BDSM Doesn’t Always Mean Safe

There are a LOT of “shoulds” in this world.

We should be able to walk unmolested.
We should be able to post pics and not get rude comments.
We should be able to go to a kink event and not have our consent violated.
We should…a million things.

People shouldn’t steal or lie either; but I busted 350 people stealing from grocery stores in three years and every fuckin’ one of ’em lied to my face. Repeatedly. I came to expect it, and learned not to believe a word out of anyone’s mouth. I have often said I’m so jaded the Chinese want to mine my soul. It comes from a tough upbringing. Not as bad as some, mind you. I’ll never say mine is worse than someone else’s. But tough enough that my opinions and attitudes are sometimes very hard-boiled.

I don’t live in the land of “should”.

I live in a world of reality and recognize that all those “should” moments depend entirely on the morals and ethics of another person. I know that if people are given the opportunity and think they’ll get away with it, they’ll do it. Whatever “it” is.

And that is a crying shame.

We know we can NOT depend on the morals and ethics of the other person in this new world of identity theft and cyberbullying. We live in a world where someone is assaulted somewhere every minute of every day and all we have to do is look at the news to see today’s version of the same story.

I lived in a town where a woman did NOT walk by herself after dark, and we drove with our doors locked long before the word car-jacking was coined. The neighborhood was irrelevant. They were all equally dangerous.

In some instances, just having your eyes down and looking afraid marked you as an easy victim and you’d get the piss pounded outta you. People make so much about subs lowering their eyes out of respect…but where I came from, that meant the opposite and could get you put in the hospital, if not killed. A kid was killed a block from my home, when a group of other kids crushed his head with a cinderblock.

I lived in a place where you had to be careful what color bandanna you had in your back pocket. Each color meant a different street gang, and having the wrong one on your head while walking on the wrong street would get you put in the hospital. Or killed.

These were very real things I lived with every day. Crips, Bloods, Ffolks, several others whose names I can’t recall now. There were so many gangs that a gang task force was created. What horrid place was this? Itty Bitty Toledo, Ohio…in the 80s and 90s.

Now I live in New York City. There are areas I’m not going to be going to alone at night, regardless whether or not I “should” be able to. Moving here didn’t suddenly make me stupid. “Should” doesn’t exist. But I do feel safe enough that I can walk home alone at 3am after the party if I need to. 

I have never lived in the land of “should” but in a world of “be smart and watch out for yourself.” I have always lived in a world in which my safety was directly put into my own hands and taking chances could easily end up badly. I learned to recognize the dangers and take the appropriate course to mitigate them. Dare I say it? I take personal responsibility for my own safety. It’s not up to anyone else to keep me safe.

I keep myself safe.

Do I live in fear? Nope. I’m not afraid of anyone. My x took care of that the night he held me prisoner with that sword. I just don’t trust them. I don’t trust them with my life, my hide, by backpack full of toys. I make the decisions appropriate to each situation, whether the decision is to take action or step back out of sight.

Being into BDSM doesn’t mean everyone suddenly got a shot of perfect morality and is absolutely trustworthy. Far from it. People will steal a toy left unattended. I couldn’t tell you how many “missing/stolen item” threads I’ve seen over the years. How many “he touched me” and “he/she didn’t stop when I said stop” threads have we seen?

Should people steal the toy? No. They “should” turn it in to the event promoter so it can find its rightful home. That’s the ethical choice. But there are those who will steal the paddle, steal the whip, steal the flogger. They’ll do it and not think twice.

Should people not touch? Of course they should not touch if they haven’t asked/don’t have permission. But they do.

I don’t live afraid. I live alert and vigilant and take into my own safety into my own hands rather than counting on the morals and ethics of strangers. I live ready to take action and assert myself if needs be.

If you’re expecting everyone to have perfect morals, because BDSM, you’re going to be extremely disappointed. 

You’re going to get yourself hurt.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.