There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”
It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.
I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:
“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.
Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.
Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.
All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.
It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.
Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”
All Hell Broke Loose
As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.
Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening.
It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.
At the Center
I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.
Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.
Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.
If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant.
Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.
So We Find a Submissive
Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?
I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.
This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary.
No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It
Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment.
There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.
They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.
Creating a Gravitational Pull
The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.
The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.
It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.
I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad.
Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first.
Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.
If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife