Bottom Does Not Equal Housemaid

Last week, I went on a date with a very nice man I met on OKC. Toward the end of our date, he brought up how he’s having difficulty finding a submissive who will clean his house. They’ll come over to play and fuck, but don’t want to clean his house. I commiserated that I couldn’t find a bottom who was willing to come to my end of the subway line and carry my rolling backpack for me. 

I have a bad back, am in constant pain when standing, so having someone pull/carry the bag for me would be a tremendous help. It’s downright exhausting to have to drag the thing up four flights of stairs and through two neighborhoods just to get to the party.

I think it was the last thing he was expecting me to say. His expression was one of astonishment. Probably that I had the audacity to say that I also find myself in the position of not being able to find someone to be of service when we were discussing a possible top/bottom relationship between ourselves.

As a sadomasochist who can be either the top or the bottom, I can easily flow from one end of the spectrum to the other during conversation as it pertains to me. (as per my piece about my Sadomasochism being fluid) 

I think it can be disconcerting for some, who don’t grasp that a person can be a dominant bottom.

The next day, I received a message from him that I’m not what he’s looking for. Okay. Fine. No hard feelings. Maybe we’ll hook up now and then at a play party.

But it got me to thinking. I went to my OKC profile and added a line that says “if you are looking for someone to clean your house, swipe on by because I am not the house maid.”

Within a couple days, nearly 20 of the men who had previously clicked “Like” had clicked UNlike. Ten percent of the men who had clicked to like me had dropped me after I’d added one line to my profile about not being their housemaid. 

I find that fascinating. It got my brain churning some more.

Why is there this automatic assumption that bottom = housemaid? Or that submissive = housemaid?

I’m a whipping post bottom and a fuck slut, not a chambermaid and waitress.

If it’s a male bottom/submissive, no such assumptions are made. They’re not nearly so often made to do the chores when it’s a now and then hookup situation. But if the bottom/sub is female, all of a sudden it’s taken for granted that she’s going to clean the bathroom when she shows up. She’ll fold the laundry, do the dishes, vacuum the living room.

You know what? Fuck that shit.

There’s an app for that. Several, in fact.

Literally, there’s an app for hiring housecleaners who will do the work exactly as you specify without all the fuss and bother of meeting people and pretending you want a relationship with them.

Make use.

Just as tops are not kink vending machines for greedy bottoms, nor are bottoms automatically your house help just because bottom.


TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Twitter — or @DameTyler
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Read her books on her Amazon page —

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife:

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.



  1. genderbender101 says:

    great article!

  2. subspaced says:

    very thorough and informative

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