Defining and Living your Personal Code of Mature, Noble, Authentic, Responsible Dominance
For me, being a Conscious Dominant means to be clear about, and aware of the values, principles and protocols I have chosen to live by. It means having my words and actions be in alignment with these values.
Am I living what I preach?
And there can be many further nuances, depths and layers to consider and incorporate into your own personal style.
Ultimately, being a Conscious Dominant should only be defined in your own personal terms. Each individual should discover, develop and follow their own path, not one anyone else tells them to.
It’s important to remember that becoming a Conscious Dominant is a journey, not a destination.
Defining, renewing, living, and deepening your practice as a Conscious Dom, and being open to looking at what stands in the way, is a continual lifetime effort.
Whatever your path, if your intention aspires to nobility, you will surely be challenged by every unconscious part of you that does not show up so nobly or consciously at times in your life. This will require deep, self-reflection- also known as a “a hard look in the mirror”.
As a Dominant, if my intention is to aspire to leadership, responsibility, integrity or accountability, I have to be aware of, own, and examine all aspects of the ways and times I may not be in integrity, accountable, responsible, and/or exhibit qualities of a leader.
I will need to learn to address the underlying reasons why I am falling short of my stated intention. What is causing me to get off-track? Is there a pattern here?
Archetypally, the noble or “good” King/Queen can be a helpful model for Conscious Dominance. This archetype generally symbolizes a leader who blesses, protects, inspires, is wise, generous, makes clear agreements, holds boundaries cleanly, is in integrity, accountable, just, responsible, and numerous other qualities.
Every archetype will have polar shadow aspects. Theses shadow aspects represents the negative archetype. They are generally the antithesis of the primary archetype. They occur as two polar opposites of the primary archetype.
The archetypal shadows of the King/Queen or Dominant archetype are the weakling on one end of the scale and tyrant on the other.
We have all heard of Dominants whose innate power and authority deflates when challenged. They become a doormat and yield ground that is theirs to hold. In the other shadow direction, when the King/Queen’s energy becomes inflated, they can become a bully and become more harsh and/or strict than the situation calls for. It’s part of a Dominant’s work to strive for balance, and be aware when they drift towards being too soft or too hard in any situation. The King/Queen’s potent energy rests ideally in the noble balance between them.
As a Dominant, are you aware of these unconscious shadows of the Kink/Queen that you may possess, and how and when they may get triggered?
How well and clearly do you set and hold the boundaries or protocols you establish?
How do you respond if your submissive or others challenge your authenticity, competence, authority, or safety as a Dominant?
How readily can you own your mistakes and sincerely apologize if you have been out of integrity, unfair, or unjust?
How well do hold your own boundaries if you are being attacked or projected unfairly?
Here’s some further considerations.
Are you mindful and present in your body? Can you be vulnerable? Do you tell the truth in all cases? Honor and keep agreements?
How deeply are you taking in the submission being offered? Do you allow yourself to really feel the power of the exchange deep in your being?
Would a submissive be proud, trust, feel safe with, cared for, listened to, and honored to serve you?
Can you listen deeply without the need to interrupt?
Have you cultivated skills regarding intimacy and non-sexual touch to connect deeply with your submissive physically and emotionally? If not, how come? If so, how? Can you embrace your submissive in such a way that their body gratefully melts into your own?
Do you practice the art of blessing your submissive?
Can you honorably dance the edge between the noble dominant and cruel sadist?
Do you understand the sharp distinction between D/s and BDSM?
Consider these questions and add others that are meaningful to you. These can be used like touchstones to keep you connected to and deepen your intention.
Being a Conscious Dominant is a personal practice one can develop and continually aspire to. It is an ideal to continually journey towards, not a destination one will ever arrive at.
About Galen Fous MTP
Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher
Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms. His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.
He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices. This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.
An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey. ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.
Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!” He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity. Learn more at http://galenfous.com
In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)
Great piece! Would love to read the same article geared towards s types. I bet there is some overlap.
I agree with the above…never stop striving, it’ll only make everything better/clearer.
I agree! People can’t be reminded enough about what it means to be a safe and healthy Dom
Very well thought out piece. Always a great reminder