Starting out in the world of kink

Ah, to discover the kink community after living a vanilla life. What an exciting and potentially nerve-wracking time in your life. When we look at kink development, many kinksters will say that there were signs of kinkhood early in adolescence, some even in childhood. While at that young age, there were not words to understand it, many folks had a preoccupation with pain or various objects more so than that of their peers. It was those early interests that flourished and eventually turned into formal and understandable kinks. While many folks have felt their kinkiness throughout most of their lives, there are plenty of individuals who discover this new version of themselves in later adulthood, whether intentionally or by accident. 

Stepping into the kink world can be scary. It is easy to feel like everyone knows what they’re doing, and you are the odd person out. The amazing thing about kink is that there is always room to grow, even for the most experienced players. So much of kink is about evolving and transforming and pushing past what we all think is even possible. Several things are essential to remember when beginning this journey, and I am hoping to give you some helpful tips to guide you on your way. 

Take Your Time

Patience may be hard to come by when you are engaging in something brand new. It can be even more challenging when this brand new thing provides pleasure in a way that has not been experienced before. While the desire to jump headfirst into the kinky pool may be overwhelming, it can be beneficial to take your time as you navigate this new way of life. Slowing down and pacing yourself can actually be quite helpful in the long run. When experiencing play for the first time, you may want to spend time processing the experience so that you can get a more firm understanding of what it is you actually want in this kinky world. The exciting thing about kink, and really sex in general, is that exploration can occur throughout our lifetime. Remember hearing about the outbreaks of STIs in retirement homes? While this may not be something to strive towards (as safety and health are essential), it shows us that sexual exploration can truly last our entire lives. So, take your time and enjoy the journey because there will always be a new destination when it comes to kink. 

Consent is everything

I cannot stress enough that consent is everything. If there is ever a time that you are approached in the community by someone who wants to play without any negotiation, I highly encourage you to decline. Consent is what allows for mitigation of risk, so while risk will not be entirely off the table with proper negotiation, unwanted harm will certainly be less likely to occur. One of the pillars of kink play is consent, so it is incredibly important that the idea of consent gets woven into your mind from the beginning. 

You are not alone

If you are new to kink, it can be very common to feel immense anxiety mixed in with your excitement. It is easy to feel like everyone else is more experienced or that you do not know what you are doing. While it may be the case that there are kinksters who are well versed in their practice, there are always newcomers who are starting from scratch. You are not alone in your kink journey. Every person who you look up to in this world started precisely where you are. Kink practice is just that, a practice. It takes time and effort to be able to perfect a technique or be able to execute a new action that has not been done before. Kink is about the ongoing journey of learning. The beauty of this community of practicing kink is that you will always have room to continue to grow and evolve. If you can put in the time to getting to know members of the community, you will quickly learn that you are not in this alone. 

Don’t be afraid to ask for guidance

Kink can be confusing, complicated, scary, and even risky. Any new experience can bring up feelings of nervousness, and one of the best ways to work through that is to ask for help. Many professionals in the field can assist you in this process. From therapists who are experts in kink (like me!) to professional Dom/subs/etc., to other members of the community, there is often room for guidance. Fortunately, technology allows us to connect with kinksters from all over the world, so even if you are not in a particularly kinky town, you may be able to establish online relationships that can assist you on your journey. 

This is an exciting time in your life. In fact, this is the beginning of a journey that can transform how you explore your identity. By taking things slow, remembering that consent is key, asking for help, and finding community, you will likely increase your chances of having a positive experience in this fun and exciting world. Dipping your toes into the kinky pool may be a little bit startling at first, but as you slowly continue to enter, you will find yourself much more comfortable and soon fully immersed in the world of kink. 

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.