So you’ve been to the munch, gotten involved with a group, and been vetted to attend your first kink party. Good job and congratulations on taking your first step into a new, fulfilling world. But just as you were nervous about attending that first munch, you’re stressing more than a bit about what to expect at your first party.
The initial thing to keep in mind is that, if you liked the group at the munch, these are likely the same people you’re going to see at the party. And those who weren’t at the munch? They know these people and like to hang out with them. So it’s not like you’re walking into a house full of creepsters.
(Speaking of creeps, most groups will weed them out pretty quickly. Indeed, it’s been my experience that the true predators operate outside and on the fringes of most groups.)
A kink party will be like any party you’ve even attended… and completely different. True, it’s just a group of like-minded people hanging out and interacting with each other. But a lot of those people will be in various states of undress, if not entirely naked. And there’ll be spaces where kinky fuckery is being engaged in. So it’s going to be both comfortable and overwhelming at the same time.
Rule #1: No touching without explicit permission. The scene has always been based on the concept of enthusiastic consent; that is, unless you’re absolutely certain that someone is down for a given activity, refrain from said activity. You may see people touching and hugging but they likely already know each other and have longstanding consent. That doesn’t mean you have it.
Of course, none of this means you can’t look, and watch. But don’t stare when it’s not appropriate, and don’t act creepy. However, if you, for example, see a lovely gal in a particularly impressive outfit that reveals more than it conceals… well, she didn’t wear that wanting to blend in and be ignored.
Rule #2: Be respectful and don’t interfere in anybody’s scene. Again, it’s entirely fine to watch (and you’re going to want to watch, because watching is how you learn) but, if someone’s throwing a flogger or swinging a long paddle, don’t get in their way. And while you may have questions, save them until it’s over, and the aftercare is completed. Most people will be more than happy to tell you all about what you’ve just watched.
Rule #3: Don’t touch anything that isn’t yours, including other people’s toys and gear. Seriously, most people are fine if you ask first, but ask. Some dungeons will have house equipment that’s free to use, while at other’s it’s only for the house. When in doubt, ask.
Rule #4: Respect the space. Remember, this is someone’s home. Pick up after yourself, tell somebody if you accidentally make a mess, and put your trash & recycling where it belongs. And if you’re going to be naked, have a barrier between yourself and the furniture.
Rule #5: Play only in designated play spaces, socialize in social areas. Most places will have the two very distinctively marked and separated. That doesn’t mean you can’t chat in the play space, but keep it down to avoid impinging on any scenes. And feel free to flirt in social spaces, but take any real activities to the play space. And of course, some households don’t have any distinctions between play and social space (except usually the kitchen).
Then there are the other rules that vary from house to house. Some have a strict “no penetration” rule, while others might have an orgy room. Some may not allow any booze, while others are fine with casual drinking (although playing while intoxicated is always verboten, and getting shitfaced will likely get you shitcanned). Most tend to ban illegal drugs, for good reason.
In the end your first party experience will likely be both terrifying and wonderful in equal measure. The only thing that’s certain is the likelihood that you’ll want to return for more!
PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.