I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!
My brain-dump of the day started with a response to a question about whether the dominant women in our group have their submissives serve “all women” with whom they come in contact; to yield to women as superiors and to enslave themselves by virtue of gender.
I had heard this concept before, and had always thought of it as a male fantasy. I had always assumed that the allure of every woman being their superior; the thought that they were “under” every woman – was an imagery men craved. It just struck me as a convenient way for men to live in a titillated state throughout the day and, frankly, to push their kink onto unsuspecting – and non-consenting women. However, I was surprised to find that some of the women in the room not only had given that very order to their submissives, but truly believed in gynosupremacy.
I questioned those that had ordered their subs to treat all women as superiors as to whether the idea was theirs or their submissive’s. Most either admitted that the guy had been first to recommend it, or that they couldn’t recall who suggested it first…that it just kind of “became a thing.” However, there were a couple of women who proudly stated that it was their original directive. I questioned their rationale. The discussion became lively.
I had addressed the concept of “supremacy” in my books before that discussion and started down the logic trail. For me, submission is a dedication to an individual and I feel that when you generalize based on a trait, you lose individuality. I related it to feeling commoditized by gender-related bias. I posited:
“Can you see how a blanket statement about women in general being superior, makes none of us special? I’m not just a woman. What is it about ME that makes someone want to submit TO ME? As opposed to any other women, for example? Am I just the most convenient woman around right now? If not me, will the next woman do? Is what makes me special that I have a vagina – and am willing to allow someone to serve me? No thank you!
The notion that someone’s gender is all that’s necessary to warrant submission dilutes the value of that submission. Submission is a dynamic between two people, not between two genders. Furthermore, if you define gender as an identity, then are we implying that, if someone identifies as a man, they are not superior – but if they decide to identify as a woman, they are? I’m sorry, but that would confuse me!”
I think it’s safe to assume that, when we look at women and men as individuals, rather than as generalized men and women, we see their strengths and weaknesses. There are individual character traits that could make someone a very good, or a very poor dominant – or a very good, or a very poor submissive, irrespective of their gender. It’s not the existence or lack of existence of a “Y” chromosome (or one’s gender identity) that makes someone dominant or submissive. All men are really NOT alike…nor are all women. I know many women who I would follow anywhere – and others who I would never follow … EVER.
I started asking about the nature of their dynamics. Surprisingly, a majority had online relationships with their submissives. Many of the relationships in the room were either completely limited to the internet, or predominantly remote with occasional real-life interaction.
That then got me going on the impact of the digital world on individuality. I started to consider that the number of relationships people establish (at all levels of seriousness and of all relationship types) with people they have never, or seldom met – and don’t really know, is growing due to the internet. It brings people with similar interests together and improves the efficiency of the compatibility filtering process. Additionally, the allure of anonymity is strong, particularly for people exploring an “edge” interest. But this remoteness is a double-edged sword. The worlds of reality and fantasy blend on the internet. You’re never really certain who you’re with – as there are few immediate repercussions to your actions.
I began to wonder if the notion that “all women are worthy of submission” stems, in part, from being able to interact with people without knowing them. Does the internet make a partner easier to sculpt in general terms – and to create an image of a person that matches your fantasy? I think it’s pretty clear that it does.
In fact, I believe this image-creation phenomenon is also largely to blame for the number of men who believe that a woman will jump at the opportunity to dominate them, just because they’re willing to be dominated. If you’re a dominant woman with an online identity, you’ve very likely been approached, multiple times, by men who have already decided to submit to you, without knowing you at all – and then, who are hurt if you don’t want them to serve you without getting to know one another!
I’m also certain that there are a number of you reading this today, who have been disappointed – or even hurt – when the imagery presented online and the reality of present-relationships don’t match. Or when you yourself don’t seem to live up to the imagery that was projected onto you.
Part of the allure – and the primary reason for the failure – of the internet for creating relationships is that partners become commodities. You live in the fantasy of your imagination for a period of time, and when that burns out, you move on to the next online partner. Imagining that every woman is a superior – or that every male is an underling – is a generalization that is highly supported by the way the online world masks our individuality.
I find generalizations, as a rule, to be troublesome (irony intended). I find the notion of supremacy (in any flavor: Female, Male, Black, White, etc.) particularly distasteful on many levels. I am an individual. I want to be treated as an individual and I want to receive my due based on the merits of who I am, how I think, and what I do. If someone wants to submit to me, they had better be prepared to explain what it is about ME that compels you to make that type of commitment. What separates me from all others like me. If they’re going to submit, they will submit to what’s between my ears, not what’s between my legs!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com