There have been huge debates within the community about whether love belongs with M/s relationships and/or whether love promotes health and happiness within the M/s dynamic.
In my opinion, no matter what kind of dynamic and/or relationship you have there should be some kind of love there. To me, love is the reason that we voluntarily do anything. With this being said, there are a lot of different kinds of love one could have within their dynamics, not just romantic/sexual love.
There are four main types of love that I have learned over the years (mostly taught to me by Robert Rubel in his Master/slave Mastery-Advanced Refining the fire-Ideas that matter book).
- Agape– known as “spiritual love.” This type of love typically refers to unconditional love. This is usually voluntary or “a choice to love.” This type of love is mostly concerned with a mental kind of love or love of one’s intelligence. Rubel describes it as “one’s love of the spirit within another person.”
- Eros– known as romantic love. This type of love can be referred to as lust. Rubel says that this type of love is “pure emotion without the balance of logic.” This type of love can be fleeting.
- Phila– known as “friendship love.” Rubel states that “this form of love includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity.”
- Storge– the kind of love experienced by parents for their offspring. A parental/familial love.
I truly feel that not only do you need some kind of love to make a healthy M/s dynamic, but all parties involved need to be able to receive the kind of love they need. For example, if a slave has Eros for their Master, and they need to receive that kind of love back, and their Master only has friendship love for them, then both parties will be expecting/wanting a certain type of behavior/relationship structure that will be hard to obtain for the long term since these two people’s needs/expectations contradict one another. One could bend to their partner’s needs and negate their own needs, but in my opinion, M/s is most successful when all parties’ needs are being met by one dynamic structure consistently.
On a further note, some kind of love is very important for a dynamic because it promotes some kind of care and devotion which is so needed for M/s to thrive. It is also possible to have multiple kinds of love in one dynamic. Again, as long as they are the combo involves all needs being met.
Love can often be determined by one’s wants/needs. Someone may want a slave that is only a friend because they feel that they as a Master cannot govern the slave appropriately if love is involved. Another Master may want to have solely Storge to create a Big/little dynamic. Another Master may only want Eros so he/she can solely have a slave that they consensually use for play or sex. Eros or agape might be off the table because of the Master’s or slave’s unwillingness to be intimate or completely vulnerable with another person (which sex and/or unconditional love often requires).
I think it’s important to talk about wants and needs before you begin a dynamic, to make sure that everyone’s needs will be met by the dynamic. Expectations and love that one feels/can offer/wants should be made clear in this conversation too. After it is made known that everyone is on the same page and everyone’s needs can be healthily met, then the dynamic can continue developing their specific structure that fits with their wants, needs, and type of love.
I also want to make it clear that one person does not have to meet all your needs in M/s. One person could, but they do not have to. All that truly matters is that you are on the same page when it comes to the kind of love you need to or want to receive from your partner, and your partner is genuinely willing to give you the kind of love you require.
For example a Master could have a slave that they have Phila for, while they have another slave that they have Eros for. Different people can satisfy different needs of the same individual simultaneously. Most people crave both friendship and passion, so there’s no harm in splitting those needs between multiple people as long as it is consensual for all involved.
On a further note, it is possible to have a slave that requires Eros, and a Master that requires Phila, but both are willing to give the kind of love that their partner needs. This is a probable scenario, but I am under the impression that it is best if all parties involved experience the same kind of love or combo of love for the other. In my opinion, this will make the dynamic more genuine and healthy long term in regards to needs being met.
By stating all of these examples, I am merely presenting all various scenarios that could happen regarding love and needs. In my opinion some are better choices than others as I have outlined above.
I truly feel that M/s without some kind of love would feel hollow and void of something. Even if you have a service slave I think the Master still needs to care for them to some degree. M/s is centered around communication, hard work, and transparency. It would be really hard to have these things if you can’t stand the person you are in an M/s dynamic with.
No matter what kind of M/s relationship you have, it’s got to excite you to some degree, there has to be some kind of glue that binds you and keeps you coming back, or why do it? And that glue, at least to me, is some kind of love.
I hope this article has helped you to further strengthen your M/s dynamic(s). Talking about wants and needs is so paramount, and I hope this article presented another facet of needs that can be talked about with your partners. As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!
About the Author:
Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.
She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.
Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.
May I ask what kind of love you have with your Master?
I think that we share all the different kinds of love for one another. I think agape is the love we experience most for one another, but again I see the four different kinds present in our dynamic.
My Master may have a different answer, but this is just how I feel.
Great question, tiemeup98, and thanks for reading!
Thank you all so much for the positive feedback! I really appreciate it!
Love this topic! Your writing is always awesome, Slave Bunny!
Absolutely! Relationships are so complex and most have many dimensions to them.
Love this piece! Do you think it’s possible to have a dynamic where you have a combination of the different kinds of love?
Slave Bunny, your work is always so on point. Thank you for further breaking down the topic of love for us and how it fits into M/s. I couldn’t agree with what you are saying more!