Now and then I’m asked what I mean when I say “my sadomasochism is fluid.” I think the duality of being both sadist and masochist is difficult for some people to understand.
Let me simplify it. Lots of people say they are genderfluid. They range from masculine traits to feminine from day to day, or hour to hour. Some people say their sexuality is fluid. They can be with someone of the opposite gender, the same gender, non-binary, etc. That aspect doesn’t matter to them.
Neither of those alters for me.
I am female and love being a woman. I’ve never had a second’s doubt regarding my gender.
I am heterosexual. I’m probably the straightest chick you’ll ever meet. I can give a woman a flogging or a caning. I can whip her tits and flog her cunt; but I will not have sex with her. My mouth will never touch her. Hers will never touch me. My fingers will never go into an orifice. Nor will hers. Because I’m not attracted to women.
Others had speculated, I think. A friend once tried to fix me up with another girl when I was about fifteen. I hadn’t even realized at the time that’s what she was doing. I wondered “why does she want the two of us to meet?” It wasn’t until I was a decade older that I realized my friend had thought I was a lesbian. I had no idea why she would think that. I’m sure the girl she introduced me to told her otherwise, as that was the one and only time we ever met.
My sadism and masochism, however, are as fluid in me as gender and/or sexuality are in others.
One moment, I can be discussing how very much I would like to be bent over something and whipped with a quirt while being forcefully taken from behind. For, like, an hour. Then the next minute I can describe some fantastically painful thing I would love to do to someone else.
By now you’ve probably read some of my erotica pieces. I often write the action within a scene from both points of view, flipping from one to the other effortlessly. Alternating from one point of view to the other, and back again is as natural for me as breathing. It is seamless, unforced. This is how I can write realistic scenes for my books from either the sadist/top or the masochist/bottom perspective. I can flip flop the point of view from one to the other endlessly from start to finish if I want because I am myself both points of view wrapped up into one brain and one body.
I think that’s the only way in which I could identify as a switch. (but that’s another article)
I can go to the kitchen section of a store, see a new implement and come up with a dozen ways to use it on someone, then see something else and think of ways it could be used on me. Same in the SM/sex store. There are implements I buy for use on others (paddles, canes, singletails) and things I buy for use on myself (dildos, vibrators, thin reed-type cane)
I can talk with someone, describing how much I adore having 50 clothespins on both tits (for a total of 100) and then in the next moment commiserate how “service submissives” don’t exist and I can’t get a sub/bottom to come meet me at my neighborhood train stop to carry my damn bag for me. “Hell, it’s full of stuff to beat them with! The least they can do is come meet me and carry the fuckin’ bag,” I have said more than once.
Being both sadist and masochist makes attending parties a little tricky. I’m attending as a dominant sadist top; but I might meet someone from whom I’d love to take a nice spanking or flogging. With few particular exceptions, when I walk into a party, I could play as the top or the bottom. I could go from one to the other and back again. When bottoming is a possibility, I take an implement or two to be used on me. (I have always advocated that a bottom should have their own kit for tops to use on them…but that, also, is another article.)
The exceptions occur when I know I will definitely be bottoming and expect to take one hell of an intense beating. When that scene has ended, it’s unlikely I’ll want to top someone. I’m going to be enjoying my high a great deal, and if it’s as deep a high as I hope, it would be unsafe for me to top someone else. I can forget what I’ve done from one minute to the next. That’s not good for me or the bottom.
This can create awkward moments. I’m known as being an impact top. So when people see my name in the RSVP list, they expect I’ll be there to top. Sometimes it becomes an assumption. They come to the party without asking first if I’ll be available. Sometimes they try to talk me into playing when I know I can’t. I’ve already had a hard beating. I’m high on endorphins. Forget the drink or two. That’s nothing. It’s the endorphin high that interferes with my ability to be a safe top.
So I guess this is turning into a piece on the top’s consent and something of a cautionary tale.
If I’ve just taken a beating, don’t be pestering me to spank you.
“You still could.” I had someone say this to me recently.
- I cannot. Being sadomasochist doesn’t mean being reckless. Being fluid in that doesn’t mean that the flow won’t ever stop on one side or the other for a day.
The notion that one person can be both sadistic and masochistic is a titillating one.
But we’re still not an on-demand fetish dispenser.
About the Author
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2. (USA site. For others, search your country’s site for B00HCPLSP2 )
You can find more of her work and follow her in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
excellent perspective and point