*Please note that this piece is not about tops and bottoms engaging in pick up play at a party. It’s about long-term, physically present relationships between life partners.
It’s no secret that I have strict definitions of things, and strict policies. There are some people who seem to think that’s a crime.
Ancients forbid a dominant have standards and expect their sub/slave to conform to them. OH NO! The submissive has to approve of those standards and if they don’t like something, then the dominant must be the one to change their expectations.
Just no. I don’t do submissive-led relationships. Not from either side of the slash. I’m from a point of view that it’s the sub who conforms to the wants of the dominant. To me, that’s the entire point of being dominant — to get what you want, how you want. And that’s the point of being the submissive — to turn one’s self over to the will and want of another person.
It’s what I lived for 30+ years, and continue to live now that I’m the dominant.
I could have 100 subs right now if I wanted.
I don’t have a single one because I’m not taking on every dude who writes me saying they want to serve me. Some of them are 2000 to 10,000 miles away and just want to be told how to play with their penis.
My standard is that I will not have a cam-relationship. I don’t skype. I don’t cam. I don’t kik. I don’t even like to text. None of that is going to be changing anytime soon, especially because it very quickly weeds out the online wankers who just want to yank their pud to free porn. I will not be free porn.
My standard is that they must be local to me and able to show up. Service must happen face to face. I’m not going to change that standard and take on someone I’m never going to meet and shake hands with.
When people say they want a punishment dynamic, they always mean spankings.
I don’t personally do punishment dynamics because I want someone who will stand there and take a beating because they LOVE IT as much as I do. Not because they were bad. Especially not because they pretended to be bad. I don’t do that funishment thing.
I want someone who intends to follow my rules and obey me.
I want someone who wants to please me.
I don’t want someone who expects they will break rules. My rules wouldn’t be that difficult. Breaking them would mean intentionally disrespecting me, more than anything else, and that I will not tolerate.
Being bad means they will NOT serve me that night. Punishment would be to be told to go home. Or outright dismissal from my service if it kept happening. One cannot safe word out of being told to go home. One cannot safe word out of being dismissed.
“You’re no longer my sub.”
It doesn’t work that way.
Bottom line is this:
I want someone who consents to being submissive.
I want someone who consents to obeying.
I want someone who knows their place.
I want someone who is as serious about the roles of dom and sub as I am.
I don’t have to alter my own strict standards in order to have someone as my sub.
It’s okay to hold a strict point of view. There’s no crime in that. Others won’t like it, but that just means you’d never have a relationship with them in the first place.
So if you’re newish and having difficulty finding a partner because they don’t like your strict rules…first examine those rules to be sure they’re not unreasonable or impractical. Be sure you’re not shooting yourself in the foot in an act of self-sabotage with rules or standards can’t be met.
If they ARE reasonable, there’s no reason to change anything if you don’t want to. It just means there’s a particular type of sub/slave needed in order to fit with you. It’s that compatibility thing people are always yammering on about. This is what that word actually means.
You have your views and standards, and your partner holds those same views and aspires to those same standards.
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.