Over the last decade or so, the concept of orgasm control has become ubiquitous in Kink. It has been a staple of the Femdom/malesub world and has become more and more prevalent in other relationship dynamics too. Maybe it is something that you have played with at some point, even only in fantasy. It is a perfect case of masochism, of blissful anguish and exquisite torment.
For the uninitiated out there, Orgasm Control or Denial is a broad term for the form of power exchange dynamic wherein a person has an aspect of their sexual pleasure and satisfaction controlled by another, usually a Dominant. It’s a beautiful blend of sadistic delight and extreme arousal that is also a very intimate and often experience altering exchange. Doing it well can be a challenge, a fact many find out the hard way, and that often leads to either frustrated expectations or discouragement from further exploration.
Never fear, though, as this is one of my most favorite forms of play since I started my kinky journey about 15 years ago. When I started, I was a virgin but I didn’t want to be THAT virgin, so I focused on the one thing I knew women were most concerned with during sex: their orgasms. I listened and learned all that I could about arousal and climax, and over the years I’ve developed a particular talent for being joyously hated for the frustration that can occur in the right circumstances, and I have a few tips that will help you be a denial deity.
Remember, this is about fun!
At the end of the day, even the most terrible denial experience should be a positive one. With so many emotions and thoughts to deal with, from frustration to desire, it can be easy for things to go negative for one or both parties, so always remember that everyone is having fun or NO ONE is having fun.
Every experience is different
The number of times I have heard someone claim “I can make anyone cum, I’ve made everyone else I’ve been with cum” makes me laugh a little bit. The same can be said about any form of the opposite. Not everyone is going to find a way to enjoy denial. Some people thrive on it. Most people are in some kind of spectrum in between. Just because what you did worked with your last partner, doesn’t mean it’s gonna be the same for this one.
Orgasm control and Denial can be disruptive
For those in control, orgasm control or denial is a fun distraction during out day and a really great thought to get off to (tell them when you do, they love/hate it). For those who experience it, though, it can be a big disruption. For many, autoerotic gratification is a healthy self-care mechanism or a coping technique. At the very least, it’s somewhere on part with a glass of wine or a nice joint for unwinding from the day. When you remove this, it can have a deep impact on coping, and there will be a need to replace that outlet with others. Be sure you are listening to that.
Know how to communicate
Communication is always key, especially in power exchange, but it’s especially key here. In some sense, sexual desire is emotional, intimate, and intense. It can be personally so, as in those times you just needed a good fucking, or it can be relational, like that one magical night with a special someone that you can always remember. Either way, lots of feelings are flying around and knowing how to handle them is important. Know when to be playful, when to be honest, when to be concerned, and when to just listen. Sometimes your partner will be frustrated and upset about the fact that they can’t get off now, but all they really want is to yell at you for making them do this thing so they can go back to enjoying it. Or maybe your partner really is struggling and needs your sympathy. You won’t know until you engage.
Preserve the magic but engage reality
The best advice I ever got is that someone who is sexually frustrated from denial will be able to make it VERY clear when they are done, you just have to listen. For many, orgasm control or denial play can be part of an ongoing little fantasy that you want preserved. You may beg and plead to be given some relief but deep down, you really want to be told no, or to be reminded of the power someone has. You may also be actually upset and, especially in this day of written communication, your partner may have a hard time knowing what you want.
Here is a little tip, something I use in my play. When we start, I make it very clear that this is something that is always optional, and that we do only as far as we mutually consent to. This is important to create a foundation to build the fantasy on. As we go along, I reinforce that this is something we both agree upon and that we are both choosing to do. I do this because it’s easy to get lost in the fantasy that you don’t control your orgasms, and being reminded that you are IN a fantasy helps. When we reach a possible breaking point, I take a small step back. I don’t totally break, just slow down, so we don’t have a shock moment. Then we talk.
One great little tip: During these conversations, assuming my partner does not seem in need of care, I employ what I call, tongue firmly in cheek, “Playful Passive Aggressive” tones. I say “Well, you can always stop this if you truly prefer it, but I’d really prefer it if we didn’t”, or something of the sort. This way I place the choice of preserving the fantasy or saying that they are done firmly in the court of my partner. I am not asking “Do you need to stop” directly, in case they want the fantasy in tact, but I also don’t push the fantasy on them if it’s not something they are enjoying.
Even in denial, a partner won’t always be horny
There is a misconception that if you fill someone up with desire, that they will just get so full they will always be turned on. That’s not really how it works, though. The human body is meant to find homeostasis, to adapt to conditions, so as hormonal levels change, your partner may actually get less horny overall, or they may be turned off entirely. Most people spend long periods not turned on at all, only to find it rushing back with a suggestive pic or a sexy text. That leads to the next point:
Keep things going
If you remove the ability of someone to find satisfaction you will likely need to find other ways to keep that sense of sexual intimacy and excitement alive. Pure, unadulterated frustration gets old after a while and it can lead to resentment or distraction. We don’t want that. We also don’t want a constant buzzing that leaves us feeling overstimulated and ready to burst. So knowing how to balance sexual engagement (believe me, no matter how much it sucks to be denied, most people still love to be touched and feel pleasure from their partner) is key to maintaining the mutual enjoyment of denial or control.
Control doesn’t mean No always.
Denial may be all about refusal, but control in and of itself is the power to choose, not just to choose no. You can say yes, and in many cases a yes is probably better than a no. Orgasm control can be a wonderful way to really enjoy the connection and shared pleasure, as well as to ease that little driving urge we all have to please our partner, especially if you say yes. So say yes, and go even further. Tell them how. Make it a reward for a task. Remind them that you are in control enough to not only say no, but to say yes. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this one.
All in all, orgasm and pleasure play can be a wonderful time for both parties. Sexual desire and gratification is far more than a polarized binary. It’s more of a landscape with many areas to go into, but first you need to know how to travel. So before you dive in with a partner, know your way around their pleasure and yours, and really make sure you understand the Yes before you dive into the No.
By: Baron Von Aaron
Aaron is a kinkster, writer, Viking, and Curling fan with over a decade worth of experience. He enjoys sharing the knowledge and insights he has gained over his own journey. Follow him on Twitter @BaronKink