I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!
This week, I thought I’d discuss a comical correlation that “dawned” on me. My husband is an avid golfer. He absolutely loves the game and I enjoy giving him the time to play it, as much as possible, but apparently, as it is for many folks, it’s kind of a love/hate relationship for him – and it makes me laugh.
Let’s face it, there are very few true “experts” when it comes to golf, and at any time, even the best fall victim to the level of their incompetence. For the average golfer, practice and preparation increase the odds of success, but they’re only odds…and failure is inevitable. My husband’s game is good, but not great. He’s scoring in the low to mid 80s and will occasionally break into the high 70s. But he will also have days in the 90s. Jimmy Demaret is credited with the quote, “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at” and it seems to be true.
When my husband comes home, he tells me about the good and the bad of the day – and I laugh inside. I laugh because he is completely unaware that the Golf Gods are clearly women…and they are executing the PERFECT T&D on his tortured soul!
On many occasions, in my books and writings, I’ve asserted that Tease and Denial is more effective than Denial alone. I’ve pointed out that HOPE is the major contributor to anticipation, which is then the major contributor to excitement. Someone who knows they will be denied, without the hope of orgasm will protect themselves and lower their libido, and the denial will not be as effective. But a person who honestly has hope / belief that THIS time is THE time, will be far more devastated (in a good way) when denial is imposed.
The Golf Goddesses have my total respect. They have their act together! No matter how bad a golfer is, no matter how bad their day is going, the Golf Goddesses have a way of throwing that miraculous shot, that one carrot – that boomer that arcs high in the air, has a slight draw, hits the green just past the hole, and BACKS UP toward it. Did you see that shot? Tiger would be proud to have had that shot! Arnie just rolled in his grave. THAT’S the shot you’ll remember every time you tee off. It’s what you’ll talk about with your buddies for the rest of the year. It’s the shot that brings you back…for more. The Golf Goddesses are brilliant practitioners of Tease and Denial, for they give you just enough to believe you have a chance. They give you the hope that Today is THE day! But as avid golfers have told me, they are selective in their gifts. One day, they’ll give you great irons, but take away your putter. Another day, you’ll putt like Jack Nicholas, if you could only “hit a green”. Brilliant…Just Brilliant! Rename it to “TEES” and Denial!
My aim, as dominant to my submissive and the “Golf-Goddess-equivalent” of his orgasm, is to provide that same anticipation and excitement. I want to introduce the element of HOPE. Today may be THE day! I want to make him want to come back for more, no matter how frustrating it is for him. The frustration makes that moment of success so much more delicious…So appreciated…So memorable.
This is why total denial doesn’t really work for me. Never getting an orgasm will cause him to dread a round. Rather, I want him to anticipate it, dream about it, desire it. From time to time, I’ll allow him that wonderful moment…and sometimes, he won’t even have to wait long for it. Sometimes he might get three great shots in a row – without any frustration. Which will help him through those droughts where he may go a very long time without.
I guess the only difference between golf and T&D for my husband, is that he might get less frustration in golf – if he continues to play and practice. The Golf Goddesses are generous that way. Not so, at my hands 🙂
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.