I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!
I was recently having a conversation with a friend on FetLife, who was lamenting that none of the women he met have been willing to control his orgasm. He referred to it as his “Chastity Fetish”.
When we first started talking, I was under the impression that it had to be chastity itself…the use of a device to make him unable to orgasm. However, in discussing what turned him on, it became clear that it wasn’t the device, but rather the control it gave his partner, that excited him. He had read my book, “The Joy of Denial” and found that the depictions of women deliberately building desire in a man, only to control him through control of that very same desire, pushed his buttons the right way. He recognized that the key he truly wanted was for control to be in his partner’s hands…and not necessarily, a physical key. He asked me if I thought there’d be more women interested in controlling a man’s orgasm without a device than with one and whether the lack of success he had found in finding a “keyholder” was due to that.
My response was that, from my experience, there are certainly more women who would enjoy deciding if/when their partner gets to come without a device than with one. I’m not knocking chastity devices, but to some people, the device is often off-putting: Requiring cleaning, privacy, baggy clothing, pomp and circumstance, maintenance, fear of disclosure, etc. Plus, it’s always there, always pulling attention to itself and to the guy’s plight. This makes the dynamic sub-centric. Having the power to have final word on a guy’s orgasm is something we can enjoy, with or without a device – so the odds of finding someone to control yours will be better if you’re not requiring a device. That’s just simple math.
Our conversation then turned to ways he can improve the success rate in general terms. I explained that every woman will be different, and that my advice would not be true for all people he met…but that most women I know (and me) would enjoy controlling their man’s orgasms – under certain conditions:
- He does not become demanding of their attention, just because it’s been a while When orgasm control becomes annoying is when the guy starts to push and hint and worse, act up, because it’s been a while since his last orgasm. The bottom line is that the longer he goes without an orgasm, the more he’s thinking about his denial. HIS awareness of his denial is escalating, but hers may not be changing at all. This widens the gap of perception and impact between them. When this gets out of balance, some guys begin to get pushy…demanding attention. This is not the right way to handle it. I would prefer the guy ask me for that attention: “Please Rika, it’s been a really long time and I’m aching. Please consider allowing me to orgasm sometime soon“. And then, that’s it. He’s put it out there and I’ve heard him…it’s under advisement…now it’s back to my time frames.
- He does not lose his aggressiveness and initiative This is probably the thing that drives most women away from orgasm denial. The fear that the man will become docile and won’t show his desire for us. There is a difference between a man showing desire for a woman and showing desire for his own orgasm. There’s a difference between him being turned on by her, and him being turned on by what she’s doing to him. If a
man wants a woman to enjoy denying him, he needs to show her that SHE is the object of his desire…not just the denial. We all want to feel special. She’s THE woman he’s with…not just “A woman who is keeping him chaste”. She likely still wants to see him initiate action, be assertive and aggressive and to show his desire of her. Of course, resolution is now at her whim, but that doesn’t mean he should become passive (unless that’s what she wants…in which case, trust me, she’ll tell him!)
- He does not become all wimpy and weak This goes with the last bullet. The guy can’t become a sniveling worm because she controls when he gets to orgasm. Chances are, she got to know him before he introduced this control concept to her. She likes him enough to consider this. That can’t change. He needs to be himself…the person she likes.
- It’s his responsibility to avoid orgasm Sometimes, women shy away from orgasm control because they are unsure of their own ability to actually anticipate and control that orgasm. There is a myth that there is this special tell-tale signal that precedes an orgasm that, if you can become in tuned to, will result in perfect timing every time. It’s simply not true and it causes a great deal of anxiety and fear of failure. A woman can get to know her partner very well…but if he’s trying to hide the signs, or has a bad day, or just is normal, it is VERY hard to achieve perfect timing, every time. There WILL be mistakes, there will be ineffective attempts at spin off (where the guy isn’t really close). If a guy wants this to work, he doesn’t want to put pressure on her to master the art of reading him. She will not enjoy his denial; it will be a chore rather than the powerful control that’s desired.
Better, as far as I’m concerned, is to put the onus on the guy to let me know when he’s close…and shift that responsibility back on him. “Tell me when you’re really close and I’ll decide if I let you orgasm” is a very effective way of doing that. Exactly how a couple implements that will depend on their tastes: Guys usually want to beg for orgasm (“Can I come…please?“). As I’ve written in my article “Please Stop”, I personally don’t want to hear that…I prefer to have them beg me to stop (“Please stop, or I will orgasm“). There’s also the “number system”, where the guy tells the woman exactly where he is on his orgasm progression by using a number between 1 and 10, where 10 is “Too late”. They need to experiment, and the guy needs to follow whatever she finds more pleasing.
Regardless of the method, I like to put a check and balance into place to avoid the guy “cheating” about how close he is to an orgasm. As I wrote in “Please Stop” and my other books, I implement the 5 second rule: If he tells me he’s close, he’d better be. If I decide to let him orgasm, he has to start to come within a 5 count, or he won’t be coming, guaranteeing that the onus of “perfect timing” falls on him. I like the irony that he has to become his own executioner and be so active in creating his own frustration.
Armed with this approach, he’s going back out to try to introduce orgasm control to his partners. I hope to hear back that he has success! I hope also, that you too get some insights that will help you.
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,
Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.