Read parts one and two here.
The Search for a S-type Life Partner
This is the last of three articles that considers what dating issues to keep in mind if you want to ease on into a power exchange partnership. This article is for those who want to find their S – type (submissive or slave).
How can I know if my dating partner is The One? Let’s think of how a person prepares to be in a power exchange relationship. Just how does a dominant dating person sharpen their focus to reach a goal of finding their S (submissive or slave)?
Things to Know from the Get-go
Think of dating as your own personal system of discovery. Your goal should always be dominance/submission partnership. Always be headed toward negotiations. Negotiations officially mark the beginning of a wonderful structured (your agreements) relationship.
How Prepared are You to Be a Partner
Dominant is not domineering. Dominance/submission calls for real leadership. You can check out your leadership muscles by reading business leadership classics like Whale Done by Kenneth Blanchard. Peter Masters’ The Control Book is excellent for understanding the power dynamic. Additionally, Raven Kaldera’s Building the Team and Dear Raven and Joshua teach a M/s model that shows D-type and the S-type responsibilities as complementary. Read a lot.
Dominants take the most responsibility for the structural elements of the relationship. Expect to have the most focus on macro items like the direction of the relationship. Find a good mentor if you are new. Cultivate healthy community for yourself now and later for you and your partner.
Be prepared to articulate an excellent description of your understanding of dominance/submission. Be ready to answer questions about how you would like to proceed. Be flexible in your thinking. Practice inclusive decision making so that you and your partner can act as an effective team.
In the Big Picture What Should a S-type Be?
Self-assurance, self-respect, and self-development equal healthy self-efficacy as opposed to dependency. Learn to recognize the difference. How well does the S-type speak up about their needs?
Think of the S-type as the implementing partner. The implementing partner takes your mutually held goals and runs with them. You want a good follow-through kind of partner. You should be experiencing their supportive energy and actions even as you date.
Your right person consistently will show you kindness, respect, and support as your dating history accumulates.
What are the Traits of Your Ideal S – type?
Know what your Dealbreakers are and be honest enough to discuss these openly and early. Your Must Have list should be short if it is to be realistic. Now, keep these in mind but hold them loosely, not with a closed-minded iron hand.
You, the dominant, must lead explicit discussions about control in the relationship. You should really like and enjoy the S-person’s reactions to what you have to say. How you handle yourself in one situation after another should be a shared pleasure.
Notice when your Big, Bad Dom(me) energy seems to rise to the surface. This is a good clue about the S-partner that you need. Can you associate this feeling with any people traits? For instance, in the movies a strong, independent hero(ine) comes on the screen and your dom(me) energy swells. Or, the hero part of the film comes and you see yourself as that hero saving the day for some curly haired, dimple-cheeked sub girl or boy. Was it the dark curly hair or the dimples that did it for you?
What Should You Avoid While Power Exchange Dating?
We, all, want to avoid dishonest, unethical people. Ask the person you are dating for references and check them. If they balk then consider their absence in your life as no loss.
You want to avoid manipulation and power grabs. Power With, not Power Over. Power With refers to sharing and true consent throughout the relationship, inclusiveness, excellent communication strategies, and empowerment for all. Power Over equals abuse. At the first signs of manipulation you have serious decisions to make about whether you are going forward. As for power grabs from the S side, watch out for struggles over control. You want to be vigilant about control that’s been ceded to you but then withdrawn later—a power grab from the S side. Such struggles can be dealt with or maybe this isn’t your person.
Some S-types will seem to run out of energy and/or lose focus as time passes. In that case, avoid a second date.
Always be Headed toward Negotiations
You, the dominant, should want to conclude dating with formal negotiations. Be gracious even if your date isn’t The One for You at This Time. But with one or more prospective S-types you’ll notice an easy partnership forming over time. Through your agreement-making you and your S-type partner are forming a vision of who you want to be. Congrats.
Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.