The Company You Keep Matters-Even In The BDSM Scene

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

“You are not responsible for what your friends do, but you will be judged by the company you  keep. The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” – Colin Powell (and several others) 

“Tell me what company you keep and I’ll tell you what you are.” – Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra 

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in  fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” – William Gibson 

Aesop is credited as the first to have said it. Others have repeated it in various flavors. “You are the  company you keep”. Now, let’s consider these other interesting quotes from actual dominants (who will  go unnamed): 

“My subs are the lowest of the low…” 

“He’s not worthy to lick the soles of my boots…” 

“He’s a pig, wallowing in my waste…” 

“She’s an idiot, a moron, an imbecile. She can’t do anything right […] Look at the way she bows before  me…” 

I get it…it’s a fantasy. It’s play. It’s a “scene”. And, it has a place there. I certainly understand why  submissives might be excited by having to accept such insults and even might want the humiliation of  being treated like the grime beneath a boot, but I find it harder to understand they, and some dominants, choose to extend that “scene” to real life. Over the years, I’ve met a number of dominants  who openly speak lowly of their submissives, not just insulting them to their faces, but complaining  about them when they’re not even around. Not just during playtime…but as part of their everyday existence.  

Last week, I had my first consultation with a new dominant; a middle-aged man, who has been in the  scene for several years. He has a small stable of three female submissives. He had read “Uniquely  Dominant” and reached out to ask me a few questions about my methodology. 

He started to describe his submissives. There was pride in his voice…but there wasn’t a single thing complimentary, or even positive, in his description. He spoke of them in terms of their faults and weaknesses. He discussed them as if they were broken, faulted, and inept.  

I could tell that, in his mind, he was trying to make himself appear “above it all” in my eyes. He was  trying to impress me; by showing me how critical he was of his “property”. I tried to look through the  façade, but it was actually very difficult.

I asked him what he does to correct them; since he was constantly disappointed with them. He detailed  the punishments he doles out. I asked him if those punishments helped, and he responded by telling me  how afraid of the punishments they were…but that they were “so stupid” it doesn’t seem to change anything. 

… And the definition of insanity is? 

I questioned if he thought his methods were effective…or if there might be a better way. That question hadn’t ever crossed his mind. After a few minutes of probing that thought, it became quite clear he had  no interest in improving his situation. He wanted to complain about them, and flat-out wasn’t looking to actually correct anything. 

In my eyes, this man lost a great deal of respect. It’s just fantasy, right? Well, this was this guy’s  life…and he was surrounding himself with people who he wanted to feel were the lowest of the low,  incompetent, and inept. Far from being impressive, the message his attitude conveyed to me was that  he was highly insecure regarding his own strengths and intelligence, and likely even doubted his own  abilities as a dominant in the first place! 

Then, he made the mistake of asking me how I “keep my submissives in line”…which opened up the  door for me to share a bit of my approach – since, I don’t keep my subs in line. I explained that my subs keep themselves in line. They are intelligent, capable, competent people – and I go out of my way to  make sure they not only know I feel that way, but that I RELY on it: I fully expect them to put those  wonderful traits into service for me. I want them to accomplish their objective: To be the very best  submissive they can be – as measured by my assessment of their efforts and how well their efforts  please me. How can they please me if they’re unable to service competently? 

What does it say about a dominant who openly denigrates their submissives in front of others? What  does it say about a person who CHOOSES to keep people who do not satisfy them around? Aren’t we  the company we keep? With whom do we choose to surround ourselves? 

I’m a lifestyle dominant. I spend an awful lot of time with my submissives. They are around me all the  time. I have an extremely high level of power and control over the select people who dedicate  themselves to me – and I have a choice as to who I allow to be in my presence: Why in the world would I  choose to have low, sub-human, stupid, or inept people serving me? 

I choose my submissives based on how well they can learn to serve me. I work with them to improve their skills, increase their understanding of my preferences and expectations, and determine how and  when to convert that into service. I ENABLE them to serve me better. We share the common objective  of them being the best submissive for me that they can be. The level of dedication that this requires  from a submissive is not something that an imbecile is going to grasp.  

In fantasy…in scene…in playtime: They can be beneath the dirt on my sole. But to be my submissive…to  serve me…to submit to me: They need to bring their “A-Game” to the table, put their abilities on display,  and serve to the best of their ability! 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.