Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master
The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.
Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:
1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.
2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of
If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.
Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.
Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.
What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?
For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?
So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.
Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)
Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”
For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.
Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.
Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.
Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.
So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?
The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?
To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.
What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.
Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.
Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.
I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”
We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.
We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.
*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.
Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.
Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…
Keith M. Anderson says
“So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.” So why not take it to the point of saying to be considered a master of kink one has to be a homosexual who still plays with and can climax while playing with the opposite gender, who also tops and bottoms. Being a top is about head games more than it has anything to do with a label or sexuality. You’re either good at it or you aren’t, or are maybe only in the learning stages.
Simon Odysseus Blaise says
A stronger, and more relevant analogy, would be something like, (and as a courtesy I will attempt to employ your construction above, and your word choice whenever possible, since this response is meant for you): “to be a man worthy of being considered a master of women, the man would need to experience being a woman who plays with, and can climax from, masculine men”. And the answer to your question that brought that analogy on, at least in my case, is yes, I did take it to the point of living as a woman and from that experience, I haven’t met a woman who has experienced me as a man who wouldn’t consider me a master of sexuality.
No one can just be “homosexual” in any event. And even so, I don’t know how living as a homosexual would help someone who isn’t turned on by feminine on feminine or masculine on masculine energies. To truly master something, one must dive in and know that thing from all sides. In this case that I am speaking of, the sides are masculine and feminine energies and how they nourish each other. So going down on a masculine man as a masculine man yourself is not going to help you understand as much as going down on a masculine man as a feminine woman. If one wants perspective and knowledge, one must earn it.
For many beginners, and even most intermediate players, those who call and think of themselves as a location (e.g. top) more than a person, do truly believe the act of topping is all about head games devoid of any real sexuality.
For the female minded person, this is a sad reality at best and a tragedy at worst. What people might think of as topping initially is much more than mere head games – topping is one of the many manifestations of masculine sexuality that is well paired with feminine sexuality (regardless of people’s sex or gender).
If one were to believe topping was mere head games and skill sets, I would suggest they suspend their belief for a while and try to discover, on their own, and on their own terms, how head games and skill set based topping can become much more – and that much more is SM Magic. If I’m not making any sense here, just watch the woman’s reactions to my energy, and note our connection, the next time I play at the Lair de Sade. I’m not special, I just did the work and practiced, practiced, practiced.
In response to your other analogy that parents and schools are like tops who forced us to bottom, and from that, tops automatically know what it’s like to bottom, all I can say is that I don’t know what kind of parents you had or what type of school you attended. If either your parents or school official/classmates were using energy and impact play to put you into altered head spaces, you need to speak with someone about that because obeying laws that protect us all and obeying a top to achieve an altered head space, deep connection, and intense orgasms are two different things in my experience. If you were not abused, I’m relieved, because all you need to do then is discover SM is much deeper and profound than being raised by parents or trained by school officials.
Keith M. Anderson says
If you were raised by parents, or any other authority figures, you’ve bottomed. If you went to school, you went, if for no other reason, because by law, you had to. Therefore, you’ve bottomed. If you’ve ever worked for a boss, you’ve bottomed. Any time any situation has left you with no choices, you’ve bottomed. You don’t have to be a full grown adult to know what its like to be totally at the mercy of someone else, since we have each and every one of us been there and done that.
kat says
love it
NotEasilyBroken says
I fully Agree with this as well, I had thought about this very same Thing Today Before I read this Article, Would be Interesting To Have that , To Let Master Know Just What I truly Go through For Him and although I truly Love It and Him, There are some Hard times as well
Russell says
Love it, gonna book mark and read all past an future articles to come. I agree you must now inside as well as outside from top to bottom, to fully understand. Can’t wait for the next post.
kinkweekly says
Thanks for reading, Russell! Glad you enjoy the content.
-anniebear
Deborah says
Absolutely agree ! A huge majority of Masters /Dom’s would never relinquish themselves to the subservient position. To fully understand ones role as a Dom (I believe) , one needs to truly know submission. I am game for either , but prefer a Domme.
Dexx says
Pretty well thought out and difficult to disagree with, at least logically. An interesting contrast to Baadmaster’s definition of a Master from last week. I wonder what he thinks about this…