There are some people out there that think that being a submissive means that we will do anything a dominant says. But that is clearly not the case.
Submission is not given lightly, and it usually is only given to those that are deserving of that submission. The key ingredient that makes a submissive willing to give himself or herself over to a Dom in any capacity is trust. Why would we hand over any aspect of ourselves if we don’t feel that person has our best interest in mind? Why would we give ourselves over to someone that we don’t know for a fact is worthy of our service?
Because trust takes time to build, as time goes on, the sub becomes more devoted, service becomes better, and the Dom feels more comfortable bestowing more responsibility to the sub.
My Master and I started dating as a vanilla couple. To be honest, even though I knew I loved my Master very early on in our relationship, I would not have agreed to be his slave right off the bat.
I feel it’s a good idea to learn everything there is about your partner-what their preferences are, what their expectations are, what their lifestyle entails, who they hang out with, their daily routine, how they are going to treat you long term, their priorities in life, what their core values are, what kind of person they are- before jumping into any kind of power exchange dynamic.
Although doing a scene with someone calls for a high level of trust, becoming involved in a power exchange relationship requires a much deeper level due to the relationship/dynamic often extending outside of the dungeon and bedroom. For this type of relationship to be successful, you must be on the same page about so many things, and you need to know your partner inside and out.
A submissive needs to know that the Dom will be consistent, healthy, and respectful. A submissive should never worry about their Dom’s decisions or ability to make decisions for them. The point of this kind of dynamic is for life to be enhanced, not more laced with worry and doubt.
Lack of trust will breed that doubt, and create many hardships within the dynamic. Truly knowing your partner is achieved by spending time together in kink and vanilla settings. It’s not a good idea to just know someone in one location or circumstance. You need to know your partner comprehensively. Ask yourself- How are they out to dinner? How are they in the dungeon? Do they ever contradict themselves? Has there been instances of dishonesty? Are they reliable, punctual, and consistent? Picking a sub or a Dom needs to be carefully thought out, and never done on a whim.
There must be trust towards the sub from the Dom as well. That’s the only way this kind of thing works.
The Dom needs to be able to trust that the sub will stick to the contracts/rules/protocols, be able to meet their needs/wants/expectations, and be able to honestly communicate.
Clearly, there are so many things one needs to know, from both the D and s side of the slash, before entering into a power exchange relationship.
Giving the relationship and trust time to develop will make the relationship that much more whole and fulfilling in the long run.
I came to my Master with a few hard and soft limits when we first got together. But over time, as trust grew and solidified, I retracted those hard and soft limits. And I knew it was only because of the time we put in to develop such a strong foundation between us. We now live by RACK rules (Risk Awareness Consensual Kink), which means that nothing is off the table. I fully trust my Master to make all decisions for me in and outside the bedroom.
I am in NO WAY saying that you shouldn’t start by playing with SSC rules (Safe, Sane, Consensual), have safewords, or have limits. I believe you SHOULD start out that way. But as time goes on, maybe you will change your original dynamic, once the submissive fully trusts their Dom and the Dom truly trusts their sub.
In short, trust is paramount for a successful power exchange relationship, which only can come about with time and learning as much as you can about your partner.
About the Author:
Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.
She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.
Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.
Slave Bunny says
Thanks for the comment, Sindy! Yes, it is essential for any healthy interaction with anyone-especially if you are into more extreme versions of play.
Sindy Monroe says
Trust is so huge for me. I won’t even play with a new partner unless I trust them 100%.