FetLife is meant to be the kink lifestyle version of Facebook. Many people assume it’s more like a dating site. However that was not the original purpose, which is why you can’t search for specific types. Just like anything online, FetLife is prone to trolling and people basically acting in a way they wouldn’t if they were standing in front of you. In this article I want to speak to four issues that I see on FetLife. I am positive that this article will not cover EVERY issue, however, I will cover the top four that stick out to me. Unfortunately the people that probably need to read this article are the ones that won’t, however, I’m hopeful that perhaps a few of them will happen upon these words.
The first issue is a pretty simple one: NOT READING PROFILES. Rather than sending someone a message based on their profile picture or just the fact that you know by looking at the top of their page they are the “role” that you’re looking for (aka sub, Dom, etc) look at those things as your first filter, but then keep reading. There’s a lot of important information you can find in somebody’s profile page – the first one being whether or not they have any protocol to follow or for you to follow in order to contact them. If they have someone that they are connected to – whether that person is someone they are in a D/s relationship with or someone that is protecting them – they may have certain rules about contacting other people. So if you don’t do that, you may not hear back from them. Whether or not you think you should have to contact somebody else first is beside the point.
You can also learn a lot from what they say in their “About Me” section. Perhaps the two of you have common interests, in or out of the kink scene that you can connect with them on, or it can give you some extra insight into the type of person they are. Their list of fetishes might tell you some things they may or may not enjoy, but don’t assume they’ll enjoy all of those things with YOU! You may find some common interest there as well but I don’t recommend starting with that. If you were trying to pick up on someone at, say, a vanilla event you wouldn’t start out by asking them their favorite sex position. Same thing here, you’re getting to know somebody – get to know them as a human being first. Look at the groups they are involved in – that may also give you some insight. Take a look if they have friends writing on their wall or how much activity they have had recently. This can tell you how active they are. Check out some of their writings if they have any. If they have many writings, maybe just check out the most recent ones. Again, this lends more insight into who they are and what they are about and may give you some additional information to reference when you start to message them.
I’m going to extend this etiquette rule to not only individuals but also events. Most event coordinators are perfectly happy to provide information about their event if you’re confused about something or not sure about something – they’re usually more than happy to help. However, please read the entire event page first and if there are links back to a group page that hosts the event, take a look there as well. If you have additional questions once you’ve done that then that’s the time to contact the host. People who create events put time and effort into managing those groups and event pages so that most of the information is there.
This moves me right into the second issue, which is the CUT AND PASTE MESSAGE. Don’t do that! While you might get away with this sometimes, you need to understand that many times (perhaps when you don’t get a reply and can’t fathom why) it’s because the person on the other end can tell that there is nothing personal about your message. This brings me back to why the first issue is so important. Also, if you’re messaging the same cut and paste message to multiple people – and especially when you have found those people through the friends list of the same people – those people do talk! I hear female s-types talking to one another all the time, comparing the messages they receive. So, once again, refer to issue number one -read the profile of the person you want to message and write the message accordingly.
Issue number three: FORCING A DYNAMIC. This applies to online and in person. Just because someone identifies as a babygirl, doesn’t mean you get to start referring to yourself as “Daddy”. Just because someone identifies as a Domme, doesn’t mean you should start calling them Mistress. Just because someone’s fetish list includes “dirty talk” or ” humiliation, doesn’t mean you start your message with, “How are you my dirty slut?” NO! Again, how they identify or what’s on their fetish list has NOTHING to do with you yet. Approach with respect and treat them like any other human being until (or if) the relationship progresses.
The final issue I am going to speak to is a bit more controversial; the issue of GENITALIA AS PROFILE PICS. I will give you my opinion here. If you have your genitalia as your profile pic I will make some initial assumptions. Keep in mind, just like meeting someone for the first time in person – your profile picture is your first impression. I will assume that you are only on Fet for sexual reasons and/or that is all you have to offer. I personally, don’t want to see it. If I look at your picture gallery and find pics of your junk (any gender) – well that’s on me. Still not my favorite, but much better than getting greeted with your erection or close up of your cervix every time you send me a message or pop up on my feed. On an even more personal level – as a female s-type if you are a male D-type that I may be interested in, I will be turned off by ANY pics of your package. To me personally it detracts from your confidence as a Dominant.
Now, having said all that, if you really are on Fet for mostly sexual adventures and want to attract others with the same goal, then let your privates march out in front for all to see! I am not going to not be your friend and I won’t think less of you. However, if that’s the first impression you choose, please understand when I don’t feel as badly when you are complaining about all the “unsolicited”, “aggressive”, or “creepy” messages you get.
I understand I may get some arguments over that last issue. Again, this is all my opinion. And it’s my article. So there. 😉
Feel free to add any additional FetLife etiquette issues that you have come across in the comments section below!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. We are delighted to have her as a columnist for Kink Weekly, offering particular insight into some of the common challenges that kinky people face in their relationships and journey in the lifestyle.
DJ_K666 says
I’m glad I don’t do these things. I do read people’s entire profiles and if it says they do not wish to be contacted by guys then I don’t contact them. Certainly not for anything sexual anyway. Respect and consent is everything and interacting with people on a human level is in my view, paramount.
I do have a picture of a rooster on Fet, it’s a jokey ‘cock’ pic that people have found funny and all my pictures of my junk are friends only.
PrimalFearAT says
This looks surprisingly similar to a writing I posted in 2017 on Fetlife titled “Fetlife Etiquette: How To Not Be A Douche
kinkweekly says
How interesting. This article was published in October 2015. Are you suggesting that you copied Jenn’s article?
Lukas says
I just want to give praise for the work you have done and time you have put in this article, and not that I have ever been accused of being inappropriate in any situation, stil after reading this there where some reminders here to consider/reconsider.
And even tho one might think that one understands serten tings well, it is good to get a reminder too refresh the behavior a bit, and once again think over what we do and say, and just as important why.
So well done, and I do hope more people get to read it and both learn something new and refresh what was there already.
Sublissimal says
Thank you for writing this. I hope it gets seen by the beestards. You hit the top peeves and your assessments are super amusing. I think the only thing missing is the droves of folk who send 1-5 word messages: “hi.” Or worst of all, “how are you?”
Jennifer Masri says
Good call! lol
biuebrowneyes says
thanks for that info ,we have a pic of us on our page with cloths on i thought that might be the reason were not getting couples to chat with us.i like to meet people first to see if we click before i start showing off our prives.just here to have safe fun with open minded couples .
SubLilith283 says
Thank you for writing this. I’m new to the site and was unsure of proper etiquette. This is helpful.
Jenn Masri says
So glad it was helpful!! 🙂
beloveddark1 says
I am brand new on this site, but have already cultivated several valuable friendships… To me it comes down to respect and decency… if you have none…… you will not hear this message… Thank you, this valuable information is exactly what I need to grow into my actual Dynamic in a healthy manner…
BlazdAnarchy says
Newer to this and I just got on this site so I appreciate this article a lot. Thanks for taking the time to write this and helping me understand a little more about the lifestyle and some things to look out for and do and not do.
Jenn says
My pleasure! I am so glad you found it helpful! 🙂
Michele says
Can we also agree that figuring out where someone works based on their hometown and their occupation and then VISITING THEM AT WORK after they say no to a meetup is not good fet-life etiquette, or acceptable life behavior in general?
Jennifer Masri says
Ummm…..YES! So not ok!!
Lili says
This was extremely helpful to me Being that I’m walking on really unfamiliar Ground and any tips are welcomed. Thank you for taking the time to Explain about it as much as possible ♥️
BuffetSlave says
I generally agree with this article and most of the feedback. Certainly etiquette is important, whether on Fetlife, at an event or scene or even in the vanilla world. At events, our profiles (fetishes and limits etc) are not advertised. I generally work on the basis of being polite when talking and always politely asking before touching anything or anyone. At a vanilla club with a play area that I occasionally attend, there are those that touch without asking. Myself, I am not offended by someone tapping on my arm or shoulder, but seriously, when they try to grab your genitals without asking. Sometimes I am pleasuring an individual and feel a hand go towards my penis. I put my hand down to block and they try to get round it. In the end, I had to grab his hands and teach him a lesson on manners. Regarding pictures. I do not use a dick pic. I do however use my bottom in lingerie. I cannot use my face because if someone ever showed it to my employer, my career would be over. Whilst government employers advertise equality and choice, they do not always grant it.
Dino. says
Very well written. I think this article addresses some issues that need being addressed.
For me atleast, I think I find a majority of kinksters having a hard time differentiating the difference between fantasy and reality.
I think there is a very fine line between the two. I see Fetlife as a fantasy site for most expressing what they dream about rather than what they would actually do in everyday life.
And for those who do, would probably freak out if they actually crossed that line.
For me ? Fetlife offers me a space I can express myself, vent and visualize. I have never actually met anyone in person from off this site.
The people I have met, I met at clubs and events, and when meeting people in real life, it has always been about courtesy and first impression.
Kenneth Meek says
Absolutely love this article. I find this very accurate. Would enjoy more from you always. Find me as a person first and enjoy the conversation more than just the fiddling with odds. I have my love at home and she learns well. I find people loose the respect factor because I have a profile here. I am the way I am and the misses knows all.
Jenn says
So happy you enjoyed it! Open and honest is best! 🙂
David kilpatrick says
Well said! Im on Fetlife to find a sex partner but i always respect others because you never know. you just may find your soulmate on the site and go undetected because you wanted to act like an ass.
Jenn says
haha – yes!
tabia_serena says
Thanks for writing the article – I hardly am on Fetlife these days due to the disrespect and nobody reading my profile, I have sort of disappeared for awhile. Glad I logged on today and read this.
Jenn says
I know it can be frustrating – glad you found this little piece!
Sassy says
We take the time to write them so people dont waste their own time as well as our own to find out you live to far away. Awesome article!!
Jenn says
Thanks Sassy!! 🙂
jamie says
Wel hik you very much for your insight.
i have started reading profiles more, seeing where they are from, if they are attached, single, and write accprdingly,
and i always comment on the photos, there are some lovely people on here
again thank you for this article
Jenn says
That’s awesome! I wish you all the best!
Jacks241 says
I admit that I am guilty of the “copy and paste message” but I did take the time to read the profiles of every member that I sent a message to, but now thanks to this brilliant article I know how to behave better on Fetlife.
Jenn says
I understand how the copy and paste simplifies things, especially when you are messaging many people. It’s good at least you were still reading the profiles. My advise is always to try and get out to events to meet people in person. There is no substitute for face to face! 🙂 This journey is all about personal growth and learning. Thanks for reading!
JERRY says
An outstanding article and good read, all those new to the lifestyle should read this.
Jenn says
Jerry – thank you so much!
bobbi says
if they aren’t going to read the profiles, they aren’t going to read this article. lol.
Jenn says
This is unfortunately true in, probably, most cases. But we can hope it will get through to a few! Also, hopefully new peeps will read it before they get started. 🙂
Conny-Lingus says
Spot on !
I am probably one of the few that replies when a stranger send a letter to my submissive despite the very first paragraph informs that any contact is initiated via me.
I give exactly the same answers and reasons posted in the article. And I inform them, that they have placed themselves on a ‘warn-about-this-profile’ list.
Though some of the culprits or spammers live in denial I have on rare occasions mindpushed the sender into some kind of understanding.
I’ll link to this article and send it the next time they force their way in to and step on my subs private peaceful ‘island’.
THANK YOU !
Jenn says
So glad you liked it!
Marcoaferro says
Yes! I agree! I usually try to don’t use any offense in my messages. I am looking for more than sexual adventures, I want to know more and more on BDSM. Unfortunatelly, Brazilian people speaks Portuguese and we have some difficulty to read in English. So, this article will be unread for so much people. Could I try to translate it?
Lauren Millar says
I am very pleased to have noticed the link to Kink Weekly and particularly this article. I do appreciate the social network aspect of FetLife and enjoy being in a few groups whose interests match mine. I enjoyed reading the article and I find I agree with Jennifer on all the topics. I find myself frequently, when confronted with a profile photo of a penis, thinking, “Oh, Just another dick.” I also tend to really restrict my asks for friendship to a very few people since I really do not feel it is my place to push myself into their lives.
Willie says
Annoyed by all the people that complain about the genital pics. Every one is there for a different reason. Everybody wants to be the expert. If you don’t like what they post or that they dont post face pics or want to meet, go somewhere else or block them. Some people are there to get off on pics ,so what. U don’t like it? Block them and carry on.
Jenn says
Hi Willie – I can’t speak for those that have commented, but if you read the article I state that it’s genitalia pics as the PROFILE pic that bothers me. I take responsibility if I see them in the person’s gallery. But when it is the profile pic and the person posts or sends a msg I have no control over seeing it. Hope that clears things up a bit. 🙂
Carol Waldenburg says
Is there some way that we can get this into required reading for Newbies? I am fairly new to Fetlife and I am already sick of getting questions from single males under 30 about how soon can we hook up and what do I think of their cocks? And most of their pictures are of their penises. It seems that the purpose of talking, exchanging, friendship, and Being here is lost a great deal of the time. I would so very much like to see this change. If I can help in any way – I would like to.
Thank you for this.
Kelley says
Thank you,
FINALLY! How refreshing this was to read. You are correct in that the people who need to read the article, well, probably won’t (heavy sigh). Nonetheless I loved it!
Respectfully as always,
Pwillow12
CarlGJung says
I am also a licensed, an LCSW. I am new to the life style. I have a million questions and you answered many for me.
Laced-Up-Sarah says
I love this article & will post a link on the United Utrecht Perverts forum 🙂
kinkweekly says
Thank you!
His_Little_Miss says
WOW!!
VERY WELL SAID.
If I could I’d give you a standing ovation for this one due to I don’t think you could have nailed it more accurately.
I only wish more would (Read This) or better yet have the same beliefs
But at the end of the day Thank You for saying your piece, many of us feel the same way
Jenn says
Thank you so much!
Aracelli says
Thank you for this article, very informative for a newbie like me.
kinkweekly says
So glad to hear you gained some benefit from it. Thank you for reading! -anniebear
TheWrathOfThor says
Can I share this??
TheWrathOfThor says
Can I share this ??
kinkweekly says
Yes of course! -anniebear
Kelly O'Reilly says
If people followed you suggestions for just the first issue … reading profiles … that alone would make things work so much better.
The flip side of that is to take the writing of your own profile seriously and as a way to communicate who you are. That allows similar people to at least have an opening or reason to contact. It also makes it easier to figure out who didn’t read the profile.attract.
EEFOX says
Spot on!
Lil-Leprechaun says
APPLAUSE!!!
Curiousone says
I can not begin to thank you for this article but like you said unfortunately the people who will read are generally not the ones who need it but I’m optimistic that it will reach some who may need it…
Paradolia says
As a new person on Fetlife, after reading this article, I’m happy that I don’t fall into any of those four categories… Thank you very much to the author for providing a wonderful article that was easy to read and understand, as well as a valuable perspective on your opinion.
Joo says
Absolutely everything you said! I get tired of guys trying to overstep my limits on my profile. Let’s me know they won’t respect my limits elsewhere