I am the type of person that some people may call a power bottom or alpha sub, or something along those lines. Call me what you will. I am a strong, independent, mother of two who runs a private practice, teaches, and hosts munches and parties. I am an s-type who doesn’t identify as a slave, yet isn’t submissive in personality at all. Oh and I also enjoy topping occasionally – let’s just throw that in for good measure. In fact, most people if they don’t know, assume I am a D-type – until or unless they see me around my Sir.
There are so many other s-types out there that I know can relate. There is something that sets me apart from many of those which contributes to the point of this article (just keep reading – I promise I will get to the point). One of the differences is that most of my time in a dungeon is spent teaching, hosting, or being a therapist. I believe (feel free to correct me) that many – not all – of the other “Dominant s-types” can use walking into a dungeon as an associative cue to shift gears. They can leave their vanilla power jobs, kids, etc. at the door and go into s-mode. For me, however, walking into a dungeon typically means I am still “in charge”. As therapist, teacher, and/or host.
Ok so why am I talking about this? This article is based on a personal observation which I’m just hoping will help others though validation or better understanding of their own process. I recently (last night) was involved in a scene with my Sir. What I noticed was that at the beginnings of all my scenes (last night was no different) I have a “fight back” attitude. Now, I’m not talking about primal play or feeling feisty. I don’t actually fight back in terms of my behavior (as I would in a primal scene or with primal energy). It was more about where I was mentally. I noticed I was almost angry like, “Who do you think you are hitting me with shit? Fuck you!” I analyze what he’s doing – similar to what I would do if I was going to give feedback to a newbie. At some point my mindset shifts, however. At some point there is either enough time that has passed or enough pain that has been delivered that I can finally let go and allow my mind to follow my body. My Sir and I have implemented a scene protocol during set up as a way to help me shift gears, yet it still takes me a bit to really “feel it”. Once I get there it’s fantastic and I can let go in a safe space – whether it’s through pain, laughter or, like last night, tears.
So that was my observation and my theory as to why – including my added hurdle of not associating a dungeon with submission. Now I want to know what you do. Tell me if you can relate and, if so, what have you done to help your transitions? I hope at least that my self-analysis will lend some insight to a few others out there!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.