I am the type of person that some people may call a power bottom or alpha sub, or something along those lines. Call me what you will. I am a strong, independent, mother of two who runs a private practice, teaches, and hosts munches and parties. I am an s-type who doesn’t identify as a slave, yet isn’t submissive in personality at all. Oh and I also enjoy topping occasionally – let’s just throw that in for good measure. In fact, most people if they don’t know, assume I am a D-type – until or unless they see me around my Sir.
There are so many other s-types out there that I know can relate. There is something that sets me apart from many of those which contributes to the point of this article (just keep reading – I promise I will get to the point). One of the differences is that most of my time in a dungeon is spent teaching, hosting, or being a therapist. I believe (feel free to correct me) that many – not all – of the other “Dominant s-types” can use walking into a dungeon as an associative cue to shift gears. They can leave their vanilla power jobs, kids, etc. at the door and go into s-mode. For me, however, walking into a dungeon typically means I am still “in charge”. As therapist, teacher, and/or host.
Ok so why am I talking about this? This article is based on a personal observation which I’m just hoping will help others though validation or better understanding of their own process. I recently (last night) was involved in a scene with my Sir. What I noticed was that at the beginnings of all my scenes (last night was no different) I have a “fight back” attitude. Now, I’m not talking about primal play or feeling feisty. I don’t actually fight back in terms of my behavior (as I would in a primal scene or with primal energy). It was more about where I was mentally. I noticed I was almost angry like, “Who do you think you are hitting me with shit? Fuck you!” I analyze what he’s doing – similar to what I would do if I was going to give feedback to a newbie. At some point my mindset shifts, however. At some point there is either enough time that has passed or enough pain that has been delivered that I can finally let go and allow my mind to follow my body. My Sir and I have implemented a scene protocol during set up as a way to help me shift gears, yet it still takes me a bit to really “feel it”. Once I get there it’s fantastic and I can let go in a safe space – whether it’s through pain, laughter or, like last night, tears.
So that was my observation and my theory as to why – including my added hurdle of not associating a dungeon with submission. Now I want to know what you do. Tell me if you can relate and, if so, what have you done to help your transitions? I hope at least that my self-analysis will lend some insight to a few others out there!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.
Owned submissive raising a child, I have a job being in charge of advocating and caring for various handicapped individuals and staffing for such. Caregiver through and through but also very outspoken and driven. Submission has not always been an easy transition to make. Lori’s comment regarding her Mistress and Her message to recieve is inspirational. And Jenn it sounds so familiar.
Sir gave me a gift in this ritual.
Prior to a scene as He showers and mentally prepares i am to unlock His wardrobe and place items of my choice out on bed, table, bench. Its random. He makes no demand. Nor does He assure to utilize what i have placed out. But as you can imagine my mind as i touch various whips. Crops. Paddles. Straight jacket? Or mitts? The very act of just unlocking the wardrobe has become a journey in itself. i know Sir has finished His cares and watched…telling me to “carry on”. The mind f***kery of this is amazing and by the time i am released from that duty to shower and ready it is almost impossible for me to complete my shower on my feet my submission is so consuming and kneeling to knock on the door awaiting Sir to open it? I cannot describe in words that all encompassing feeling.
Lori Mullen says
I am a therapist who works in addictions where people die. The responsibilities I have above ground are intense. Under the guidance of my Mistress I have the freedom to let go of the world and mind set you address. I do this by meditating on my mantra: Receive.
I say this over and over as I first enter the dungeon naked collared and cuffed in down-dog. I close my eyes to help me focus inward; on my breathing, heart rate, and consciously discarding unwanted invasive thinking.
I know my Mistress is watching, sometimes above on the stairs, perhaps next to me or across the dungeon floor. I can sense that She is watching my breathing, thus allowing me to discard the outside world by honoring Her and myself, giving both of us the freedom and safety to engage completely.
My key was given to me by Her many years ago, as I was leaving the dungeon after an long intense impact scene: “I want you to learn how to receive.” I kept hearing those words over and over on my way home, it was the most important gift that She has given to me.
Thank you for sharing your story, I learn from all so engaged in D/s & M/s.
BlondeKat1 – thank you so much for your comment. It is feedback like yours (and anniebear) that make these articles worth it! I didn’t mention in the article here – on top of all the things I do for work I am also a single mom of two kidlets! So, yes, in charge a LOT in many different ways! lol
It does take someone strong to “inspire” or “pull” our submission – our surrender of control. However, it’s not impossible to find. Keep being the best you possible and you will meet your match! Hugs….
Candidly speaking, I relate to this a great deal. Thank you for showing us that you can be both independent AND and submissive. It’s all a matter of balance and respect towards your Dom.
Thank you for writing this. I feel the same way. It’s had to go from single mom in charge 100%of the time to sub and letting go. I haven’t found a strong enough Dom to help me conquer this. All have given up after 1-2 play dates. I’m beginning to feel I may never find a good Dom. Your article makes me feel not so alone and almost made me cry in relief. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.