Being new to the Kink Community can be a pretty terrifying thing, particularly those with any timidity, uncertainty or social anxiety. It can be a scary thing to realize you have desires which defy societal norms, let alone to venture into a community full of people doing so, many of who have a great deal of experience or have been part of their local scenes for many years.
Taking those first steps require a bit of bravery, a bit of faith. When I began my journey, the resources were a little more challenging to locate than they are now. Back then, I got my hands on a book, Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns. It told me to ask around at my local adult store. Since I happened to have one with an excellent back room with a plethora of kinky goodies and leather, it seemed logical.
According to them, though, they had no knowledge of the existance of local kinksters. I was left to explore on my own. Explorations like that can be perilous. Fortunately, there are a lot more resources available to find local groups now.
When I finally began my search for community again, I made sure to prepare by reading as many books on general expectations and behaviors in the kink community as I could. There is a lot of helpful information available.
Fetlife is the first place I recommend people visit when they seek events. Most communities have munches which are open to those who are looking for information, for friends, for education, even for potential partners. Meeting people and finding mentors can make a huge difference in how positive future experiences will be.
Expectations can be difficult to overcome when attending events. I’ve joked before that I thought it would be Adam Lambert in full eyeliner carrying whips in both hands while leading an entire dog-sled team of people in harnesses at the restaurant. But it was just normal people in normal clothes having conversations about things I’d always wished I could talk openly about.
That first play party can be just as scary. I remember being completely unsure about what to wear, what to expect other people to be wearing, about where I should look while people were playing, what I should say to strangers. It’s easy to forget kinksters are normal people from all walks of life. We are medical professionals, musicians, lawyers, sales reps, college students, food service professionals and everything else around and in between.
Being a new person coming into an established scene can feel like walking into a room full of aliens. The more you have reached out and built connections, the easier it becomes to overcome those feelings.
For those who have been new and remember how it feels, perhaps consider taking some time to extend a friendly hand to those who are just joining our community. There is so much information we can share with one another.
My Reading List (which is by no means exhaustive):
Learning the Ropes
Playing Well With Others
Screw the Roses
The Ultimate Guide to Kink
Master/slave Mastery: Updated
Rope and Bondage
Essence of Shibari: Kinbaku and Japanese Rope Bondage
Restraint and the Art of Bondage
Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes
Two Knotty Boys Back on the Ropes
Extended Massive Orgasm
Submission / Bottoming
Care and Nurture for the Submissive
The New Bottoming Book
The New Topping Book
BDSM Mastery – Relationships
Getting the Love You Want
Leading and Supportive Love
Living M/s: A book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships
More Than Two – Polyamory
Partners in Power
About the Author
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
Mr. Mots says
Really good newbie guide and great reading recommendation; I’ve read and/or skimmed a good number of those titles.
may i ask how long you have been in the scene? Also how long did it take you to feel comfortable in it?
Sure. I’ve been participating in kink privately for over 20 years, but have only been active in my local community for a little over two years. It has actually only been recently that I haven’t felt pretty strong social anxiety when planning to attend events. Perhaps within the last six months or so. To be fair, my attendance was pretty sporadic prior to that and it has only been lately that my attendance has been regular enough to start meeting more people and really feeling comfortable.
love your work