A litle while back, I made some comments on a blog and, well, really made the author upset. Seems he felt that any lady could be made to learn to enjoy being tied up, provided she was introduced to it in a pleasurable fashion. And I took him to task.
Y’see, some ladies like being tied up, some are indifferent to it, and some don’t care for it at all. And if you’re one of those guys who likes to tie women up (like me, and probably most of the people reading this) then you’re going to want one of the former. And to stay away from the latter.
But this blogger seemed to feel that you can train *any* woman, like you’d train a dog, to love bondage. You just need to make certain that her experiences are always pleasurable. And, well, I think this person has maybe read too many books, had too many fantasies, and not been with enough actual woman. Because my actual, real-world experience is quite contrary to this.
You can no more “make” a woman love bondage than you can “make” a straight person gay, or a gay person straight. We’re hardwired to like the things we like, be it vanilla sex, people of the same sex, people who like to be tied up, sadists, or masochists.
The trick is to find someone who’s hardwired the same way you are. If you’re a guy who likes to tie up gals, then you need to find a gal who craves being tied up (and I read one article recently that suggested that there are more gals who want to be tied up than guys who want to tie them… go figure!). And now that I’ve actually gotten inside the BDSM community I can tell you… well, you’ll be alright. You really don’t need to recruit from the vanilla world, even if it seems that way right now.
Are you a single guy? Make some small mention on your first date that ropes and duct tape are in her future (I leave the creative part to you, but humor is a good way to go). If she balks or freaks out, prolly avoid a second date. But if she’s intrigued, she may be the gal for you.
Are you in a relationship? Tell your GF that you’re a kinky bastard who likes to tie gals up, not to force them to do things they don’t wanna, but for mutual erotic stimulation. If she gets all warm and tingly, good news! If she’s really into it, she’ll be going from zero to sixty in a few sessions. If not… well, maybe she’s not the gal for you… you need to weigh her other qualities against her lack of interest in being tied up..
But how can I tell if she’s into bondage? you ask…
Short answer? She probably is.
Every single woman I have ever been intimate with has been interested in being tied up to a greater or lesser degree. Think about when you were a kid. Were there tie-up games you played? Well, that doesn’t go away as you get older. It’s only the details that change.
Big secret time. Those romance novels that are so popular with women? A lot (not all, but a great many) serve the same purpose for ladies as your average stroke book (or website, or vid) serves for you, my friend. And many of those books are just filled with strong, dominant dudes who spend the majority of the pages breaking down the heroine’s strong will, often with some form of physical restriction or deprivation.
Polls have indicated that the majority of women harbor some form of “ravishment fantasy.” Not that they want to have actual violence perpetrated upon them, but the idea of a strong man “having their way” with them is something that is very appealing. So long as it’s within certain boundaries. Boundaries that, as a Dom, it’s your job to to discover.
Just like guys, women in their 20s are discovering who they are, sexually and in other ways. Ask and ye shall receive. Unless she says no. And if she does, she’s probably not the lady for you.
PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.