I get these messages all the time. Some random dude whose screen name I’ve never seen before sends me a pm out of the blue to say…

“I want to serve you.”

Well that’s nice. 

There are a lot of ways I can respond to this. Often I tell them that they are too far away and there is not one single way in which they can serve me, since serving me means being physically present. 

Recently, I responded with a question. “What does that mean to you?”

Twelve hours later, he replied: “I will be your slave, you can use me for your pleasure…”

Well that’s nice. 

But it doesn’t tell me anything.

I asked again “What do you think ‘service’ means?”

Twelve hours later, he responded with “Never mind, good luck…”

Gosh. The horror of being expected to use your brain and communicate to me the meaning of the  concept with which you approached me.

It doesn’t seem like that hard of a question, does it? “What does service mean to you?” We ask people this very thing in thread after thread, group after group, when they are asking questions about “is this right?” and “how do I serve?” and “how do I be submissive?”

Invariably, they mean sexyfuckytime stuff. It doesn’t occur to them the million and one other things that make up service.

If someone is going to serve me, and I allow them into my home, they must be prepared for any of the following:

  • to research something on the fly
  • to find and buy something
  • drag my suitcase
  • carry my backpack
  • carry bags when shopping
  • attend a class with me (painting classes are fun)
  • locate something for me on google maps
  • type pages of my novels
  • untangle yarn and wind into balls
  • share posts about my book sales into a list of 25 groups on FB
  • help me finish a latch-hook rug or a cross stitch table cloth
  • run to the grocery store if I forgot something for supper or we ran out of milk
  • get my prescription from the pharmacy
  • run to the store to get milk and fresh bread

To serve me means that I can and will utilize your brain, your hands, your body, in whatever occupation or activity I desire from one minute to the next (within reason, limits, and our agreement). If I don’t want sex and we sit for three hours working a cross stitch table cloth, and I say thank you and send you home…that’s service for the day.

Not everything is about playing with your penis. I know this is a difficult thing to comprehend. Apparently it comes as quite a shock, as I’ve gotten some truly frightening responses to that revelation. One man who said he’d piss in my mouth if I’d been in front of him. Yup, he’s so submissive!

In fact, playing with the penis is the LEAST of what we will do. 

I’m not a professional dominatrix you’re hiring to do what you want to do for your allotted time span. I am a lifestyle dominant. There’s a tremendous difference between the two.

A professional dominatrix will do exactly what you want, to the degree you want, when you want because that’s what she’s paid to do. She’s not actually the boss of anything. The client is, and she has to keep the client happy if she wants him to book another session. She will not, however, have sex with you if you are her client. 

A lifestyle dominant does things how she wants to do them, because this is how she’s living her entire life. She is the boss. You’re going to do the things she wants and needs done. I gave my quick list. Perhaps another dominant will expect her sub/slave to change a tire, perform an oil change, generally be her personal mechanic. Maybe that should be part of the discussion over coffee, especially if you don’t have those skills. Sex will be what she wants it to be, not what you want it to be. Don’t assume she’s going to play with your penis how you want her to. Discuss it!

Can you discuss everything? No. That’s not realistic. Hit the big stuff first, meaning the things you really enjoy doing and the things you will not do. Along with that, make a list of the following items.

  • What does “service” mean to you?
  • What special skills do you have to offer?
  • What specialized knowledge do you have?
  • What do you have to offer that no one else can provide?

These are important questions you’ll be asked frequently. It would be nice if you have an answer ready.

Are you:
a good handyman
pet sitter/walker
good with taxes
make a mean pizza
willing to be a chauffer
an IT specialist who can help hook up the printers to the wireless network because everything she’s tried has failed and it’s beyond frustrating and she’s given the fuck up…(deep breath)

We keep pounding on these notions of communication and compatibility. 

This is exactly what it looks like.


About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for 30 years in private and 10 years in public venues. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.



  1. good points, solid and concise

  2. so true

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