Personal boundaries are necessary for everyone. Period. These are the very guidelines that help us establish what behaviors we are willing to accept from others. Boundaries keep our situationships and more with people mutually beneficial, thoughtful, full of purposeful intentions, and connected.
Strong boundaries are the very foundation of healthy dynamics with others. If you’re worried about how your boundaries will affect your interactions with others, ask yourself, “Will this boundary change my relationship with ____?” The answer may surprise you.
Regardless of what you come up with, healthy boundaries mean you take responsibility for your own actions and emotions. It’s about not taking responsibility for the actions and emotions of others.
I’ve been with many people who have poor boundaries and have expected me to exhibit the same. They show a high level of neediness and codependency. It can manifest as a desperate need for love and affection from external sources. This need to receive love and affection in this way means they may be sacrificing their own identity to remove their boundaries and expect you to bend to that as well.
This doesn’t jive well with the way I operate. I am not here to fix anyone. I love the way I love and it’s up to you to tell me what you need in a respectful manner. You are not a victim and neither am I.
So let me save you the trouble, here are my personal boundaries.
I do not love you unconditionally and will not be there for you “no matter what”. You earn every day with the people who stand by you and if you abuse or disrespect me you will lose me.
I make my own decisions (concerning my own life) and do not need to explain myself. If this bothers you, angers you or gives you, your friends, or family reason to judge me, those feelings of discomfort are not mine to resolve. What other people think about me is not my business.
Refraining from a nearly unbearable urge to constantly justify myself is so, so hard. People who are important to me often want me to do what they want and not what I want. It’s painful that this has cost me relationships. But, tell me…
Why would I want someone in my life who believes they have this kind of authority over my sacred sovereignty, the right to cross a line I have so clearly drawn?
I value my privacy. I am pretty open about my computer, my phone and my things but I see no reason why anyone would go through them without my express permission. If you did I would assume you don’t trust me, and if we don’t have trust we don’t have much.
My body is mine. Sometimes I want to be touched and sometimes I don’t. As a long time sapiosexual, this heavily depends on our mental foreplay.
I need time alone and I need silence. Certain noises affect me deeply, think akin to nails on a chalkboard! I will seek both of these things every day. This will often imply me sacrificing time with people that I love.
If you deliberately hurt me, cause me pain or diminish me with your actions or with your words I will shut you out. Fighting fair is a requirement, and toxic people (“frenemies”, people who deliver backhanded compliments, those who feed into drama or dramatic situations, people who for reasons I cannot explain drain me or leave me confused and doubting myself and my sanity) have no place in my life even if they are dear to me. Even if they are family — — that doesn’t make you immune to being a bad person.
My outlines — where I end and someone else begins — are clear to me. I am not “we”. I am just “me.” I work hard to not cast blame and am not comfortable being blamed for anything that does not directly pertain to me. I can’t “make you happy”. I cannot “make you miserable”. That’s not a misguided compliment I want. I don’t have what your ego needs. I just usually have a challenging perspective that may cause you to internally ask yourself questions you’ve been ignoring within.
Saying “no” isn’t hard for me. Don’t push against it. Don’t mess with it. Leave my “no” alone or else face potential truthfulness you might not be prepared to hear. No, seriously, this is your warning.
Resentment is a symptom. It means that somewhere, somehow I have compromised myself. I realize I’m not angry at you but at myself, and I will use some of my quiet alone time to re-evaluate what happened so I can do better next time.
Especially within BDSM it is imperative to erect clear and steady boundaries so you can get the most enjoyment out of play and dynamics. People who lie, constantly test your loyalty to them (non-consensually), undermine your self confidence, or question your limits may be red flags you need to be more aggressive in establishing and carrying out your boundaries.
What are your boundaries and has someone been crossing them?
About the Author
d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.
Agreed. We need more soft skills articles and classes
Very important topic