I would like you to imagine something for me. I’d ask you to close your eyes but it defeats the purpose of reading my words. So, let’s set the scene.
I want you to feel the stirrings of arousal in your lower belly. The soft shots of electricity that run from your lower back and up your spine. I want you to imagine the sensitivity of your skin is so acute, the still air is too much to bare. I want you to imagine you’ve been teased without mercy for the last two hours and even the breath of your lover is overwhelming. I want your groin to swell and pulse as though you haven’t orgasmed in weeks.
Lastly, I want you to watch your favorite kinks and scenes play out like a movie in your head. It doesn’t matter that you are at work, or trying to sleep, or at your kid’s soccer game. It doesn’t matter because these images, these feelings and sensitivities, will never go away.
You will spend every day of your life at the height of arousal.
Sounds painful doesn’t it?
How do I know this?
Well, since you asked…I’ve spent every day of my life in this exact state since I was a teenager. It doesn’t lessen. It doesn’t stop. In fact, sometimes it gets worse.
This is called Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD).
By definition, PGAD is “a phenomenon, in which afflicted women experience spontaneous genital arousal, unresolved by orgasms and triggered by sexual or nonsexual stimuli, eliciting stress.”
My symptoms have manifested slightly different than most of the well-known cases. In a majority of the women who have PGAD, they may continually orgasm. One case had a woman who had more than forty mini orgasms a day with no relief from her arousal.
Mine developed over time. When I was a teen, I experienced arousal, as most do. Except, mine never stopped. At my worst (before I had a name to what was happening), I would masturbate more than twenty times a day. I should state that I did have self control enough to take care of myself in private.
I spent years being constantly sore, swollen (from overuse), and distracted beyond compare.
I’m wondering if any of you are scoffing at this. After all, how bad can it be to always be turned on? Is it really that bad to constantly desire to have sex?
The reality of it is that yes, it can be. After dealing with this, you start to contemplate ways to “take care of things”.
Let’s cover the basics that you consider for solutions:
Risky sexual behavior: you will start to be less concerned about who you will sleep with. You stop caring if they are clean of STDs and if you are in a safe play environment.
Consent becomes less important: I am going to underline the importance of this sentence. In no way am I saying that PGAD makes you a rapist. What I am saying is that you stop caring if you really like or want what is happening in a sexual situation. As long as you can find temporary relief, the rest is just the price you pay.
Work and life are hard to balance: It has taken me many years to be able to focus on my job or home life while ignoring the demands of my body. These desires never dim. Even when I have attended funerals, my body is still taunt and aroused like I am participating in an orgy. It fucks you up in the head when you cannot justify the grief with the arousal.
Your desires will almost never match your partner’s: If you have ever scrolled Tumblr, read a trashy novel, or watched just about any type of porn….having a partner who is always ready and willing for sex is the ultimate fantasy.
I can happily (and sarcastically) disagree.
Life doesn’t stop simply because I am horny. I don’t get to change my work hours to accommodate the desire to play. Doctor’s appointments, holidays, and so forth are still barriers to play time.
But, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, I’m not the only one in my life with these priorities. Just as all I can think about is fucking, most days my wife comes home from work and just wants to take a hot bath, eat some food, and get some sleep.
There are days my husband is out doing yard work on the weekend and he surely isn’t planning on moving straight from mowing the lawn to plowing me….though there are some good fantasies in my head for that…
My other wife is the same way. She does not spend her day doing math with the children and cleaning house to meet me at the door in heels and pearls (regardless of what tv has taught me).
So, I’ve taught myself some tricks of the trade.
The first thing I learned was to set a schedule. I trained my body that masturbation only happens at bedtime. That sounds depressing. However, playing relaxes your body and is known to help you sleep afterward. So, by setting myself up for bedtime play, it was both a reward for putting up with idiots all day as well as a sleep aid.
Second, I practiced orgasm denial. I have always struggled to orgasm. A side effect of constantly being on edge is that your body has a very hard time letting go. When I am able to orgasm, it’s a fucking Olympic sport. It takes the better part of an hour–if it happens at all. Sometimes, it doesn’t. By now, I simply accept it and move on. Over the years, play is simply about muscle relaxation over orgasm. On a side note, this also means that when I do Orgasm, it is explosive….pun abso-fuckin-lutely intended.
There are some side effects (and downsides, depending on your viewpoint) as well.
**It is important to note that I am speaking only from my own experience. I am, in no way, an end all be all representation of this disorder**
The number one side effect for me was what I have come to call “Heat”. I was very shy about this and have only recently shared this with a couple of friends. I am aware it is going to sound…ridiculous. I am ok with the knowledge that I may be scoffed at. I am also ok if anyone ever wants to ask me more than I have shared here.
Heat is a seven to twelve day, intensely painful bout of arousal. It starts with a burning sensation, almost like lightning from my lower back up my spine. My nipples and clit are swollen to the point that clothing is painful. My body pulses to a point of distraction.
As the days continue, the arousal turns to pain. Cramping in the stomach and back, mood swings, inability to cum or orgasm in any capacity, and no amount of masturbation or sex will bring any kind of relief.
There is no cure. There is no relief. Over the years, I’ve taken it as a challenge to never give in. With that being said, Master and I incorporate Orgasm denial (as well as masturbation control) in our dynamic. We have chosen to make no adjustments to these decisions during heat. I simply suffer for Him.
My body is always raw. I am constantly battling yeast infections, UTIs, and abrasions on/or near my groin.
I’m aware this is very TMI. Really, this whole article is. So I’m just gonna keep going…
Constant stimulation is bad for the health, just saying. For me, I am allergic to cum– mine and my partners’. What that means is that sexy time is always followed by a long, invasive shower to scrub down.
It’s worth it. It will always be worth it.
**** **** ****
I hope I have not left you feeling sorry for me. This is simply part of my life.
I can say, it has taught me the meaning of intimacy unlike anything else.
I know that the quite cuddles on the couch are moments of peace; even when it puts me to sleep almost instantly. Those moments let me forget the cries of my body.
Telling my spouses about the “heat” I suffer was difficult and embarrassing. However, it means that I’ve yet to find anything I cannot talk to them about.
I can laugh at the absurdity of my arousal and my body’s reactions. It has put me at ease and given me confidence. It has allowed me to feel no shame. I am who I am, PGAD and all.
Most of all, this has taught me how to communicate. Body language is the number one way people communicate. But, how can you read someone who is constantly turned on? How can you tell I’m upset, or tired, or happy, or in pain, when it simply looks like I want in your pants?
Yes, it was a trick question.
I have to tell you what I’m thinking. I have to explain my feelings. I have to remember that those “normal” cues that most people have, I don’t.
My understanding of intimacy (without sex), communication, and my self control, make me a better partner and a better sub.
I wouldn’t wish PGAD on anyone. But, at this point in my life, I’m going to chalk it up to being a blessing in disguise.
About the Author
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
Wow, that isn’t have been difficult to write but sometimes telling your own story really helps spread the word and educate people with the same or simaler problem , truly an inspiration. Congratulations on having the confidence and vulnerability to say what you have and letting people know that there not alone, I think this work will really help people from the moment of writing it on for years.
always super diverse
love your work