There has been a tremendous, and woefully misplaced, push to homogenize everything d/s and bdsm so that it mirrors how things are done in non-d/s and non-kink relationships. The “nillification” of kink and alternative relationships.
It’s quite the hypocrisy, since alternative means DIFFERENT from the norm.
Consent must always be exactly the same for everyone at all times, everywhere.
Safe words must be used by everyone, and they must be the same words, used the same why by everyone.After care must be done by everyone exactly the same way.
Rope must always be done exactly the same way by everyone.
Dominants must be a certain way and adhere to specific standards laid out by people who don’t know them. (See every list of red flags every published. Except mine.)
Submissives must – oh, never mind. There ARE NO standards for those calling themselves sub. They can do and be anything they fucking want and even their own partner has no say in the matter. The dom’s opinion is not required. Never lose sight of that.
These people are completely missing the point of a d/s or m/s relationship. They’re missing the entire point of kink and fetish. The point being that partners will conduct their relationship and their sexy fun time however they want, regardless who doesn’t like it.
I liken it to schools of martial arts.
The philosophical teachings of the Shaolin are NOT the teachings of the Ninja and never will be. Both differ from that of the Samurai. All three are entire ways of being unto themselves, with their own methods of fighting and their own way of teaching the forms and techniques of those styles.
Aikido, karate, Tai Chi, Mui Thai, Capoeira, Hop Kido, Jujitsu, Tae Kwon Do – every form of martial arts has its own way of teaching and being. Learning from one does not invalidate the teachings of the others. Each speaks of its teachings in absolutes because they only teach their own philosophy. Their way is the way for them. They do not try to change how or what the other teaches or lives. They respect each other.
The student who doesn’t like what is taught leaves that school and finds another more suited to his personality, outlook and goals. Or starts his own school to teach his own Way.
So it is with people living d/s lifestyles. Every dominant has his/her own way of being and doing. Their own requirements for their submissives. They learned from someone, be it a mentor, an uncle or a father. There were role models at various points during their life.
They take that learning and make their own way. We all do. We all learned from parents, grandparents, uncles/aunts, cousins, siblings, friends, people we admire, etc. We learn from people who write on the topic via blogs and books. We think and decide for ourselves what is useful and what is not. We decide for ourselves how we want to run our relationships. We see the mistakes made by others. We take all that forward with us into who we will be.
There are a number of behaviors I won’t tolerate from bottoms and submissives, and I’ve made no bones about that. But I’ve never told another dom that they must not tolerate it either. It’s not my job to tell another dom they have to use safe words how I use them (or don’t, as the case may be). I’ve never told another dom he has to do (or not do) anything the way I do. I teach my way and those who wish to learn from me, learn. They take what works for them and go off and learn from someone else, and another someone else. They develop their own way of being, as a result of having learned from several teachers.
During our lives, we have many teachers, whether or not we recognize them as such at the time.
WOW, are there a lot of people who want to tell me (and others who actually do this shit) how I should do everything. Anything I do my own way and not how they have decided it should be done, (as illustrated at the top of this article) becomes a war because I’m quick to say none of that crap is true.
It’s very simple: You don’t have to like how any of those things are done in any house but your own. You’re not IN that other dom’s house, following his standards and obeying his rules. If you so don’t like those rules, those standards and practices, you’d never be part of that house in the first place. Would you? You wouldn’t want to be.
There’s this notion that some stranger on the internet not liking the way things are done will automatically result in changes that suit them. Newsflash! The people running that house will not change their standards, or how things are done within their own house, to suit someone shaking their finger from the outside.
Every dom has the right to run their house how they choose.
Every partnership has a right to run their relationship however they choose.
It’s no one’s place to tell them how they have to do it. Yet we see it every single day, keyboard warriors who have zilch for experience telling others how to run their relationships, their houses, their lives.
A whole hell of a lot of people need to keep their noses OUT of other people’s relationships.
We see posts declaring that consent must be enthusiastic and ongoing, and no one can do it any other way. Everyone absolutely must have safe words. Period. Soon as those people are confronted for their “my way only!” they often backpedal to say “oh, but every relationship is different”.
The instant they say that, they have complete negated everything they’ve already said.
When I confronted someone recently, she said to me “I actually meant it like this” and give some bullshit scenario completely different from what they’d originally said. That happens quite a lot too. People type just to see their own words and don’t really have anything of importance to say. They parrot what they’ve seen others say so often, without giving it any thought.
The fact of the matter is this: If you don’t reside in the house, it’s not your business to tell people IN the house how to run their business.
You can co-exist peacefully. I promise.
It’s called minding your own fucking business.
Also known as “not my circus; not my monkeys”.
About the Author
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.