What Did You Do This Weekend?

‘What’d you do this weekend?’ ask vanilla friends

Like a great many kinky people, we have kinky friends and we have vanilla friends. Some of our vanilla friends are aware of our particular proclivities and are interested, more or less (usually less).  Of course, we have family. Inevitably, family are pretty much hopelessly vanilla. I don’t know why, but it always seems to be this way.

Sometimes I’ll run into them on a Monday or a Tuesday and they’ll ask, “So, what’d you do this weekend?” Other times it’s a Friday and, “What do you have planned for this weekend?”

It can be a tough one to answer because, honestly, I’d like to tell everyone about the kinkalicious activities we’ve enjoyed, or have planned.  Still, Americans are so incredibly uptight about sex and sexuality that it’s simply not a topic to address. The one time we seemed to be lightening up was in the ’70s, and that pretty much imploded when AIDS arrived. We’ve reverted to general prudery ever since.

Oh sure, there’s the occasional “50 Shades” type phenomenon, but even those are viewed as oddball anomalies, a societal Rumspringa where we leech all of our sexual weirdness as if lancing a boil. Then we go back to our once-a-month-missionary-position coitus with our spouse, for procreation purposes only.

“But really,” they ask, “What’d you do this weekend?”

This past weekend was actually pretty boring. On Saturday we went out for a few beers, headed to the grocery store, then came home, ate deli pizza, drank wine, and watched Amazon Prime (need to catch up on ‘Downton Abbey’ so we can go see the movie). Yup, we are officially adults. Sunday was a long bout of kinky sex, changing the sheets, starting laundry, a bit of cleaning and straightening, followed by some Netflix-and-chill.

Yeah, you read that right. Even our boring-ass weekends tend to have some period of kinky fuckery. But I can’t tell them that!

Of course, the previous weekend we were at a party with naked people getting tied up, stuck with needles, being beaten black-and-blue, set on fire, and all sorts of other kinky fuckery. The evening ending with most of us bundling in the hot tub, still naked. Seriously, swimsuits are awful. I totally get those European dudes who wear the Speedos regardless of age and body type.

Previous weekends have found us at parties where there are actually orgies, although we don’t tend to partake. Even in January, when that door opens, and the warm, humid air smelling of sweat, bodies, lube, and sex wafts out, all I can think of is, “A stranger’s bodily fluids. Ick”.

(And if that’s your thing, I will grok, Water Brother. But you’ve got no worry of competition from me.)

Sometimes I really want to tell them the truth, merely to watch their heads explode. Because they’ll take one look at us and think of how fat, old people aren’t supposed to do this sort of thing. Of course, when I was still young and thin I had no idea this world existed. Such is life.

I was recently at a vanilla wedding for some dear friends, Master and slave, who were tying the knot legally for any of a variety of reasons. I was tasked with giving the “best man” speech and I think I nailed it. It’s been a few years since I’ve been asked, but I’ve always been pretty good at them.

After, one of his old friends pressed me on how we’d met. I went to my standby of “a local book group” before realizing that, hey, he’s not much of a reader (as much as I love him). I recovered with, “But it’s as much as media group as books,” before launching into several minutes of how much we loved ‘Avengers: Endgame’ and couldn’t wait for ‘Spider-Man: Far From Home’ to come out on Blu-Ray.

I think he bought it. Before too long the talk was of firearms, hunting, and the best ways to preserve venison.

So yeah. “What’d you do this weekend?”. Damn, but that’s a loaded question.

I’ll finish by pointing out that we own a home in a boring, suburban neighborhood where I suspect we are the oddest thing. And we have some stereotypically vanilla neighbors. The same sort of place a great many of we kinksters reside. And have parties.

If only they knew.

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PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community for over 12 years, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.