I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!
A very popular fantasy among submissive men, is the desire to be “forced” to be dressed like a woman. Whenever I’ve heard this fantasy, I’ve challenged it: Why do men feel that dressing like a woman is humiliating or degrading? They say they worship women, but then feel that being more like one is an embarrassment.
I’ve heard lots of reasoning based on what it’s like to grow up being a man – and the stresses of retaining and demonstrating masculinity. That only a very powerful force would make a man go against that masculinity – and therefore, is exciting to the man if he is made to be that way.
My attitude has always been, live and let live – if someone gets turned on by it, then fine…let them. It’s just not for me – and my submissives will not be engaging in it. Your kink is not my kink…and move on. I still do feel that way, but I’ve always disliked the fantasy and found it denigrating…but I never really could put my finger on exactly why it bothered me.
Then, this morning, I was reading a post on FetLife from a friend of mine, @Miss_Malloree, who said:
Am I the only one who’s noticed that there are very few men who fantasize about being the woman who breaks through the glass ceiling at a major corporation, or who owns and successfully manages a professional sports franchise, or who is elected president? As others have commented, they all seem to envision themselves as being at the bottom of the food chain, rather than the top.
And I said, “Holy Crap!”
This is it…this is at the crux of why the fantasy is so distasteful to me. Maybe you’ve always seen this, but for me, this was a revelation.
The fantasy most submissive men have regarding cross dressing, is to become the “Sissy”, the “Slut”, the “Maid”, the “Prostitute”, the “Geisha”. They’re not just pretending to be any woman, they’re pretending to be a particular type of woman – one who is not high-achieving, or well thought of in society. They are highlighting the (as Malloree says) bottom of the food chain.
What that says to me is that, this is what these men really feel women are. Oh, I’m sure they’ll argue that they recognize that women are successful and capable, smart and intelligent – but in reality – when push comes to shove – women are maids, sluts, and sex-objects. Malloree suggested female corporate executives and business people, but the fantasy falls short of even middle tier jobs: Teachers, Scientists, Fire or Police professionals. No…they are going to be dressed up, overly made up, loose…forced to “suck cock”. That’s the imagery they have – and they want – consciously, or sub-consciously.
Worse still, the presumption is that a dominant woman, given all the power that she has, will want to convert him into that type of woman…as a means to embarrass him!
I can hear the argument: That the lower level role is part of the humiliation. Sorry – I’m not buying it. Why the focus on gender? Why not just be turned into a lower-class man? Forced to be a gigolo, or a bum? No…this is LINKED to a gender swap. This is about weakness and vulnerability as a function of being a woman. Being a man in this position is not low enough. They are implying that a lower-class woman is lower on the food chain than a lower-class man. The lowest of the low.
I have come to realize that the fantasy highlights what these men really feel about women. I’ve always known the fantasy was insulting – but never quite understood why I felt that way. Now, I have clarity. I wanted to share this with you and would love your thoughts!
Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.
With every respect, I must say I disagree.
My first Mistress feminized me – at her wish – regularly. I enjoyed it too, but she was not indulging me, she was in search of a sub she could parade around dressed as a French maid and I was a very happy and willing victim.
From time to time she would point out to me and make clear to me that she was NOT dressing me as a woman because the costumes she would put me in were typically of a variety that no woman in her right mind would ever wear. I can still hear these words in her voice when she would say: “I am not dressing you as a woman, I am dressing you as a fool.”
I can certainly understand your perspective and I’m sure for many it’s one that’s accurate. But having been a feminized sub, I would urge you to consider that some of us have acted out these scenarios absent of any thought that I was humiliated at being made to represent the look of a woman.
Miss R says
Interesting. I’d never thought of it like that!
This is exactly the problem I’ve always had with feminisation and sissy fetishes. I love to wear Women’s clothing from time to time, because I think it looks better than men’s. I also have a thing for the french maid outfit, and I can completely understand your point of view on that.
This is one of the issues that will make lots of men uncomfortable, particularly those into these kinks, because it challenges their internalized views of people. It’s not easy to face your own sexist / racist / insert-thing-here-ist views, views which you might not consciously realize you have. It is, however, important to do so. Hopefully this article will provide food for thought for a lot of people.
your work is always so on-point!