This one is going to be short, not so sweet, and directly to the point.
“I will make you use your safe word.” I saw this said in an erroneous supposition that this is how a top learns a bottom’s signals.
If a top said this to me, I would look them in the eye and say “Then you will not ever touch me”, and I would walk away. Remember a couple months back when I wrote that piece about my stoicism not being a gauntlet thrown down? This is another angle of that same thing.
Why will I not play with someone who says this to me?
Lots of reasons. I’ll start with these:
- This top does not have my best interest in mind.
- Play is not about pleasure and having fun.
- The top wants to give me the worst experience and MAKE ME make it end. I find that alarming.
- There’s this matter of consent we’re always going on about. I do NOT consent to being intentionally driven to say stop.
Any fool can swing a cane and make the bottom scream red. It takes zero skill to do that.
As a top, I do like to deliver a great deal of pain; but I don’t EVER want to hear the bottom say stop. The most I’ve heard so far is a yellow during a paddling. It was rather early into the scene. She wasn’t quite warmed up enough yet. It happens. She communicated. I adjusted. We went on to have a terrific scene and she will never forget getting a methodical paddling to “Another Brick in the Wall”. (excellent spanking/caning/paddling song, btw)
My goal as a top is to find the bottom’s pleasure zone and keep them there for as long as humanly possible. I want to take them to the limits of their physical endurance. Not their pain endurance, but that of their legs. I want to take them to the point that their legs literally will not hold them up anymore, yet they’re still pleading with me not to stop.
I want to stop while they still want more, keeping the experience positive for them from start to finish. That’s how I keep them coming back for more of what I do, sometimes within the same night. That’s why they come to me in the first place.
My dearest novice bottoms, you have the right to say “NO, I will not be intentionally, relentlessly, driven to say my safe word.” You can tell the top that. Tell them that is not a game you are willing to play.
You have the right to walk away the second they say something like that. You do not have to go through with the scene. You don’t even have to start it.
You have the right to NOT PLAY if anything the top says during discussion/negotiation makes you uncomfortable.
Better to walk away and not play that night than put yourself into the hands of someone who is intent on taking you beyond the point you want to go.
About the Author
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.
Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
This is such a beautiful and true article. Im not here for your pleasure its the connection that im longing for .i will submitt only because you understand how to make me submit. I’m gianna
great article. Learned a lot
it seems like you know your stuff.