Click here to read the sister article-Healthy Dominance
Last week, I touched on what makes for healthy dominance. This week, I’d like to flip the coin over and talked about healthy submission.
It’s so important for all individuals, no matter how they identify, to do what’s best for themselves and for all involved.
I cannot stress enough the issue of consent, abiding by hard limits/respecting boundaries, and not putting any individual in harm’s way.
With this being said, I would like to delve into what makes for healthy and safe submission.
First of all, just because you are an s type, does NOT mean you are every D type’s s type. What I mean here, is that just because you identify as a submissive, until you agree to be in service to someone, you are in NO WAY obligated to be in service to anyone. s types are still people that ALWAYS have the right to refuse anything they do not wish to consent to (unless you have a dynamic where you have consented to do whatever your D type requests even if it displeases you. But that’s an entirely different topic).
Second, I think it’s important to analyze your strengths, weaknesses, what you want to get out of your role as a submissive, and the type of relationship that you wish to be in-M/s, D/s, Big/little, Mentor/mentee, Handler/pet, etc.
Assessing and solidifying all these things will allow you to know what you can realistically offer, which will dictate what type or types of service are most suitable for you-which in turn will guide you to the type of D type and arrangement/relationship that will best suit you.
It’s also a good idea to take an internal inventory of how often and for how long you want to be a submissive, and/or how much time your schedule allows for you to take on the s type role. This information can also help guide you to the right dynamic. Some people just want to play, others want a 24/7 power exchange dynamic, others want to live the lifestyle for one weekend a month.
In short, analyze your wants and what you can realistically take on. Also, analyze your needs because sometimes needs don’t always go hand in hand with wants. Needs should always be met first, before wants. So, pick the situation that will best meet your needs, and if your wants are met as well, then that couldn’t be a more perfect fit for you. Obviously, the goal is to find an arrangement that fits both your wants and needs, but nothing in this world is perfect.
Third, think about your core values. Find a dynamic and/or D type that shares those values. It’s also important that the D type/House/Scene Partner/Relationship you choose has needs and wants that compliment yours. Basically, all parties entering into any kind of dynamic should have the same long term and short term goals for the relationship. If you would like a mentor, but the D type you are talking to wants a sex slave, then it is clear that your wants, needs, and goals are quite different, and the relationship most likely should not be pursued.
It’s also in your best interest to listen to your gut. If something does not feel right, it probably isn’t right. If you notice red flags, do not ignore them. It’s important to act in a way that will be most effective at keeping you from getting hurt physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually.
Disrespect, violating hard limits, abuse, non-consented to violence, or anything else like this should not be tolerated-unless it was otherwise consented to.
We have all met those creepy people that just send shivers up our spine and give the Kink Community a bad name. Bottom line, you have NO obligation to entertain them in conversation or do anything else with them. You have every right to leave, block them, etc.
Finally, I feel that once a relationship is consented to and has begun to be structured (but is not yet completely solidified), the s type should still be able to negotiate and have a voice all throughout the defining of the relationship. Yes, s types yield to their D types, but they should not yield until they are comfortable with, understand, and consent to what type(s)/kind(s) of power they are being asked to yield to.
I think when outlining a power exchange relationship, it should be taken from the point of view that there is an s type and D type, who are people with voices, that are going to work together to create the best situation possible for all involved.
In my opinion, power exchange dynamics should consist of some teamwork element, at least in the beginning.
Throughout the relationship, I also think it’s helpful to allow the s type time to speak authentically as a person. Meaning, setting a time where all parties are just viewed as equals talking to one another with the shared goal of building the best dynamic possible. This could occur monthly, weekly, daily, yearly-whatever is going to work best. I have known some to call this “sacred space.”
Because after all, s types are still people, and I believe, when appropriate, they have a right to be heard.
D types should never treat their s types as anything but human (unless otherwise consented to).
s types and D types all bleed red. They just have different roles, needs, wants, fetishes, hard limits, soft limits, and goals. And all of of these vary from person to person.
If you take a humanistic approach when it comes to dynamics and scenes, I feel that the overall scene and/or relationship will be that much more genuine and fulfilling, since there is an underlayer of respect and understanding guiding all parties the whole way.
As always feel free to comment and ask questions. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!
About the Author:
Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.
She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.
Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.