How To Kink Without BDSM

Hello everyone!

I was recently inspired by my own M/s dynamic to write this article. For many of us in the lifestyle, it IS standard to practice BDSM.

However, a lot of individuals think of kink as encompassing solely BDSM. When in reality, there are so many other ways “to kink.” Of course, BDSM is one way to participate in the lifestyle, but I think it’s important for readers to know about other ways to stay kinky-especially for those that know that BDSM isn’t their thing or for those that have limitations that keep them from practicing BDSM.

To me, a kink is a thing/fetish that deviates from what one would of think of when thinking of conventional sex (missionary sex, making out, fingering, blowjobs, eating out, etc.) You know, the “regular vanilla progression” of what one thinks of. With this being said, kink can also include actions that do not directly relate to sex (such as peeing on a partner), certain phrases (for example: good girl, bad boy, calling someone Mistress), an agreed upon power exchange structure (such as D/s, M/s, Big/little etc.). It doesn’t just involve impact, canes, whips, choking, and flogging-although all of these are quite prevalent in the community. To me, kink is all about an alternative way of doing things that deviates from the “vanilla norm.”

Even though my Master and I do use paddles, floggers, belts, practice breath play, wax play, and water sports, these are not the main things that drive our kinky relationship. At our relationship’s core and what makes us the most kinky (in my opinion) are the honorifics we use, the fact that we live by Rack rules (Risk Aware Consensual Kink), that I have agreed to make myself sexually available for my Master at all times, how our sex is geared towards his pleasure and the use of me to make sure he obtains climax, how we speak to each other, our use of rituals and slave positions, my Master having complete control over my schedule/time/life, the fact that my Master has complete control over my orgasms, our love of lingerie, sleekness, and how we dabble in the Daddy/little realm.

And none of these include any sort of impact, but yet to me, they are certainly kinky things that go beyond vanilla sex. The fact that my Master can point and I hop to and get on my knees to pleasure him, the fact he calls me his “good girl” and gives me specific, sexual instructions, the fact that I am his property and have given him the power to do whatever he would like with me at any moment, and the fact that I have multiple tattoos dedicated to him that all pay homage to our dynamic are all things that relate to our kink. So do my stuffies, my little persona, and our use of high protocol. The fact I have to ask permission to go anywhere, again, is part of our kinky journey.

Now, not all of these things turn us on. It’s not like he gets close to coming when I ask to see my best friend for lunch and he tells me yes or no, but I am merely suggesting that these things should be considered just as much a part of the community as flogging or caning because they are a huge part of a lot of power exchange dynamics. We live in a world where it’s common for people to want to be their “own person,” or think they should be at least. So having to ask permission definitely goes against the status quo. It’s an alternative lifestyle and should be considered as much a part of kink as any act one might see in the dungeon. Negotiation may or may not turn someone on, but it is still paramount before having a scene with someone, and should be considered just as as much a part of the kinky process as any sexual act relating to BDSM.

Just the act of yielding/giving power to someone and/or taking control consensually over someone is a form of kink, at least in my opinion-even if you aren’t into any kind of BDSM or have any obvious fetish.

My point is that there are so many ways to kink and they all should be celebrated! You are just as kinky if you are in an agreed upon power exchange that doesn’t play in a dungeon and sticks to more vanilla sexual activities as the experienced flogger that has five play partners and practices BDSM at nearly every play party.

The community has such a wide spectrum of fetishes, kinks, and lifestyles, and it’s important to include the less practiced ones into our definition of the lifestyle.

I think it’s rather easy to look around at a dungeon, see various things happening from room to room, and think to yourself, “Oh, to be kinky I have to do x,y, and z.” But that is clearly not the case.

To be in the lifestyle, you can play at a dungeon, at home, or not at all. To be a kinkster you can just like the idea of consent, communication, power exchange, and negotiation without ever taking a spanking or holding a single-tail.

Again, it’s all about an alternative lifestyle that differs from what the Vanilla World is practicing. What matters is that you hold the values of the community at large- acceptance, consent, transparency, respecting boundaries, negotiation, clear expectations, and respect.

If you’re on-board with that, then, you have found the right place to be yourself and find what you want out of life, relationships, self growth, and play.

I think all of us need to be as inclusive as possible and widen our definition even further of the Kink Community. This expansion can only happen if people are informed of other ways to be in the lifestyle.

Here is a short list of some other ways to kink not yet mentioned in the article that do not include BDSM. These can be paired with BDSM if one wishes though.

Exhibitionsim

Ball worship

Latex/Latex Outfits

Diaper Play/Baby Play

Boot Worshipping/Bootblacking

Leather/Leather Outfits

Watersports/Scat Play

Role Playing

Animal/Pet Play

Humiliation

Foot worship

Blindfolding

Sensation Play/Sensory Deprivation

Pussy Worship

Pegging/Strap ons

As always, please feel free to ask questions and comment. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author

Slave Bunny is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master/ husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

Along with being a part of the Kink Weekly team, she will be teaching kink classes all over the Los Angeles area this year and organizing events.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink Community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming events and classes.