Arcane

“Are You Monogamous or Polyamorous?”–THE WRONG QUESTION

August 22, 2016 By Arcane 1 Comment

This article originally appeared on ArcaneAdvice.com.

It’s time someone addressed a Single MASSIVE MISCONCEPTION regarding this question which gets asked in almost every Alternative Sexuality genre, including the BDSM / Fetish Scene. The answer will hopefully make you THINK, and it is interesting to note that we here in the BDSM Community have a few extra philosophical points to address on this question…. this utterly ERRONEOUS question. Far too often people make bad choices because they believe this question to be like a compass when in fact, as I will show you in a moment, it is more like a magnet attached to a bird flying in circles around the compass. The result is NOT a better idea of your partner. Instead the result of asking this question is almost always a mis-reading, misinformation (not necessarily intended), and getting only farther from a viable, useful answer.

How often does an individual in the world of dating get asked, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” I find the question pops up all the time. It is always asked as a Black & White issue, an On/Off switch, and the one making the inquiry always acts as though the answer will give them some incredible understanding, a singular “truth” about the person to whom they are speaking. Unfortunately, the question itself is founded on thinking that is so Completely Reductionistic that it is basically the equivalent of asking, “do you think Europe is Bad or Good?” Any sane person would say they like some countries, like others less, had a great time in one location, had a bad time in another location, etc etc. Agreeing to even answer a question like “do you think Europe is Bad or Good?” is agreeing to be viewed as a generalizing fool. The question itself makes zero room for the actual variety of experiences one can have in Europe, individual tastes, native languages spoken (which can affect one’s experience), preference of climate, and a hundred other factors.

Equally, the question, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” is setting up an EXTREMELY LIMITED set of options that in NO WAY reflect that Actual, WIDE Parameters that are involved in this genre of Human Sexuality. When someone inquires asking THE WRONG QUESTION, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” most of the time they have an Erroneous Definition of Polyamory in their mind to begin with. This foolhardy and uninformed definition of Polyamory tends to equate to one EXTREME end of polyamorous activity only, namely the “full-swap orgy.” So the WRONG QUESTION, “are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” is IN FACT generally asking, “Do you never, EVER have any form of sexual contact with anyone besides your chosen partner, or do you jump into full orgies where everyone has sex with everyone else?” This is an absolutely IDIOTIC QUESTION that does not in any way, shape, or form take into consideration the FULL SPECTRUM of activities and degrees of involvement that lay between these two absolute extremes. Its like walking into an ice cream parlor with DOZENS of flavors and asking the person with you to choose between vanilla or chocolate — what about all the MANY OTHER flavors?? Its like asking a new prospective BDSM play partner if their style is about canes or pony-play — what about the HUNDREDS of other ways to explore BDSM? The RIGHT QUESTIONS would be, “what are your favorite flavors?” and “what kinds of BDSM activity are you into?”

You probably are already seeing where I am going with this, but before we really tear into it, lets step back and look at the issue on a few basic levels, starting with Psychobiology. Fasten your seatbelts – this is going to be a crash course in Psychobiology (if you want an INTENSELY deeper scientific understanding of these things, read “The Evolution of Desire” by David Buss).

To begin with, think of humans as effectively Cave People who learned to drive cars. The bulk of our mating habits have not changed in a million years. All that has really changed are the conventions of “the tribe,” aka Society, that have been layered on top of these same primal instincts that still rule our DNA’s desire to make more DNA.

Consider the prehistoric basis of Mating Impulses:

1) No matter how much you may want to shake your fist at the sky and despise biology, the male mammal is designed to be able to procreate with multiple females. This is biology. The male half of most species produces enough semen to inseminate a vastly large number of females, and the actual number of partners is decided by the Mating Dance between males & females offset by Male Competition for access to fertile females. Females retain what Psychobiologists call “female choosiness,” the same process in many species wherein the female selects an inseminating male based on his genetic traits as evidenced in an overt manner through one of several means: physical prowess, leadership, health of skin / brightness of feathers, strength of presence / magnitude of song, access to and control of resources, etc. Her selection is equally offset by competition with other females for access to the best genes of the males. Human Civilization has modified these areas and what once was the highest criteria for mate selection back in cave man days is now sublimated to an entirely different set of criteria for modern society. For example, someone with almost zero physical prowess – i.e. one who would have been a lousy hunter in cave man days – might still register well for mate selection due to a secure access to resources (high income or above-average social connections, etc) in modern times.

2) The human female is designed to create one baby per gestation on a normal basis, and the human gestation period of nine months is one of the longer gestation periods of mammals in general.

3) Monogamous habits tend to be created with mammals that have longer gestation periods with fewer offspring produced. The shorter the gestation (i.e. weeks) and the larger number of offspring produced, the more likely the species will have polyamorous habits. As the gestation period of a species grows into many months and the number of typical offspring gets lower, the likelihood of Pair-Bonding increases. For example, Blue Whales who produce one calf with a gestation period of up to 12 months tend to be monogamous. This is not a hard & fast rule however. Elephants have a 22 month gestation period and are absolutely not monogamous as a rule. Wolves have a gestation period of only about 2 months, yet long-term monogamous pair-bonding amongst wolves is quite common.

4) The longer debilitated state of the pregnant female mammal with a long gestation period which produces few offspring will induce behavior in her to insure the presence of the male mammal as provider-protector during the debilitated state and early stages of growth in the offspring. The male mammal in the same scenario tends to stick around to insure the survival of his DNA / survival of the species. These behaviors of the male and female happen on a DNA level – it is a subconscious process that can be viewed all over the animal kingdom. It is a hard-wired response. In cave-man days when these behaviors became hard-wired, the survival of offspring was very dubious at best. In the modern world elements such as clean water, medicine, and social safe-guards tend to insure a much higher survival rate of offspring.

5) The average person in the modern world grows up with the perception that survival of one’s offspring will pretty much be a given (barring negative anomalies). Thus, on a purely biological level, the male has almost no actual need to worry about their offspring (aka their DNA) staying alive to make more DNA and pass along the genetic legacy. The female equally knows on a purely biological / DNA level that the male’s presence as protector is less needed due to social safe-guards. Her debilitation during the latter phases of gestation is still an issue, and the lifestyle in which the child will be raised is now more the concern of both parents rather than whether or not the infant will survive.

Thus the modern Human Condition, aka Modern Civilization, provides assurances that defy some of the hard-wired behaviors surrounding any biological basis for monogamy in the modern human mammal. To put it more simply, the realities of the modern world in many ways (but NOT ubiquitously) provide cause to over-ride the monogamous impulses from cave man days. Monogamy in the modern world is therefore more of a STYLISTIC CHOICE than a biological necessity. This stylistic choice can be the result of peer pressure, religion, social standards of a local community, or even perfectly reasonable personal desire.

Alright. That concludes your Intro To Psychobiology lesson. Now lets see how all of this dovetails into an understanding of why – and how – people seek out multiple sexual partners (or NOT), and even more importantly, the VARIETY of ways in which this happens.

Consider the word “Variety.” It denotes a multitude of choices. It denotes a stark contrast to a simple selection between merely two polarities. Variety is the opposite of Dichotomy. Variety connotes a LACK of the described subject as being a black & white choice. In the FETISH SCENE we experience a VAST Variety in the ways that we as Fetish Folk express and experience our BDSM Lives. There are literally HUNDREDS of ways to play in the BDSM Universe. Bondage, flogging, gags, fur, riding crops, role play, blindfolds, paddles, foot worship, dominance, submission, canes, protocols, fetish fashion…. the list of ways a Fetishist can Safely and Sanely express themselves is almost ENDLESS. This VARIETY we experience is like a giant smorgasbord of choices and naturally we gravitate to the “dishes” and “flavors” of Fetish Experience that most please our palate. Some flavors are more common, like Bondage, while other flavors are for people with more exotic tastes, such as High Protocol D/s.

KEY POINT:
So too is there a VARIETY of ways in which Human Mating Habits, as expressed in single or multiple partner selection, can occur. It is NOT a black & white issue. Hold This Thought In Mind.

CONCESSION FOR THE HARD-LINERS:
Ok. Yes, lets establish a monogamous baseline at ONE END OF THE SPECTRUM of this Variety Of Human Mating Habits for the purpose of comparison. We will call this “True and Total Monogamy.” The definition of this form of Human Sexuality equates to an absolute, often religiously supported, adherence to the prescript that both people in the couple will not EVER experience sex with anyone besides their partner. Not under any circumstance. Not even making out with an outsider. Not even kissing. We will also presume for the sake of discussion that in said couple’s report of their being hard-line monogamists that they are both being truthful in their reports, that neither has EVER (not once!) fooled-around nor cheated on their partner. Needless to say a menage-a-trois is out of the question. Not even once.

Now ask yourself: How many hardline monogamists – as defined above – do you personally know? Who have NEVER EVER cheated, never had an affair, never fooled around, never had a menage-a-trois with their partner (and never will), and who you will take it for granted that their report of this is absolutely honest from both people?

Don’t jump into cynicism! I am not advocating that AT ALL. I personally know couples who fit the above description. Whether or not they will adhere to this monogamy forever can only be taken on their word. I DO believe it is possible for a couple to be so infatuated and pleased with their partner that others just do not interest them at all. I also know that EVERY Long-Term Relationship takes EFFORT, DESIRE, and WORK from both people involved if they are to create a genuine and flourishing, healthy relationship. For the couples for whom I do believe they are honest in their long-term monogamy, they have the overwhelming quality of Mutual Respect for their partner, and a clear desire to Succeed together. If sex with others crosses their mind it is immediately dismissed as a lower value than the high value of the one they are with, every time, and this is a happy choice, not a brow-beaten concession. This kind of a couple often expresses themselves in a “team-of-two” manner, obviously bouncing off each other and working well together in general.

NONETHELESS, I bet a LOT of you answered the “How Many Do You Know?” question above with an answer equating to “Not Many.” THINK about why that is?
Is it that the couples who do not fit this bill had one partner cheat on the other? Is it because they had a single menage-a-trois? Is it because they are hardcore, full-swap swingers? Is it because the female half has outside girlfriends? Is it because they are in a D/s family? Is it because they play with others at the BDSM Club, doing scenes that involve kissing or fondling an outsider in public? And in all of these cases are they always couples having trouble? Or are they sometimes quite happy in their chosen expression? Do they have the situation well-negoiated? Do they play-it-by-ear with some basic rules and understandings? Are they tightly bonded and highly in-tune with the knowledge that outsiders are fun but stay outsiders? Do they have a regular third partner? Does that partner stay over and sleep in their bed or does the third person go home after play?

WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? That “well there is a VARIETY of ways that Couples Express Their Sexuality With Outsiders, that its NOT a BLACK & WHITE subject.”
Bingo, Bulls-Eye & Kudos.

Lets digress from the BDSM / Fetish community for a moment and look at the world of SWINGERS. Non-Swingers tend to apply ONE DEFINITION to people in the Swinging Community, which (Erroneously) says that, “All Swingers are Polyamorous.” But lets look at THE REALITY of the VARIETY within the SWINGING Scene.

Swingers have a wide VARIETY of ways they play. One couple in the Swinging Scene might enjoy the “orgiastic” vibe of a Swinger party yet the couple ONLY PLAYS WITH THEIR OWN PARTNER – they just enjoy the voyeuristic aspect and openly sexual vibe. Another couple in the Swinging Scene might only have the female half play with other women in a very light fashion, just kissing and fondling in a playful way. Yet another couple might have both the man and the woman kissing and fondling a third. Still a different couple might go to Swinger Events to hook up with a third woman to take her back to their room and go to town upon her (menage-a-trois). Yet a different couple might express their Swinging nature by having the man watch as his female partner goes down on a third partner. Another couple might have a mutual ok to engage in anything up to oral sex, but no penetration, with outsiders. A different couple engages in “full swap” where anything goes at the party but all outside activity stays at the party. Yet another couple enjoys having the woman hook up with another woman while the male partners on both ends simultaneously play with their own woman. And this is NOT a complete list.

THE POINT:
Even in the Swinger Scene there is a WIDE VARIETY of ways that “polyamorous” activity expresses. So for the sake of discussion lets make up a false fact that says that Swingers have specifically 15 different ways that they can express ANY form of sexuality that involves others, from mere voyeurism through to full-swap.

Now lets add the number of ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene:

— menage-a-trois on a regular basis (say monthly)
— menage-a-trois seasonally
— menage-a-trois maybe a few times a year
— menage-a-trois once with their partner just to satisfy mutual curiosity

Side Note: PLAYBOY Magazine ran a survey in the 1970’s where they interviewed 3000 men and woman across America. They asked people to report their #1 sexual fantasy. UNIVERSALLY the #1 answer of both men and women was “menage-a-trois” which is why it tops the current list I am creating here. As a fun additional note, the #4 choice of men and #5 choice of women was some kind of BDSM fantasy. 😉

Continuing with the list of ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene:
— they can have a full-time third partner, i.e. be in a Trio
— they can both have multiple partners, i.e. have several outside play partners as in an “open relationship”
— they can be in a poly family / poly D-s family
— they can be monogamous in their home city and play with outsiders only when they travel
— they might stick to only BDSM Play on an outside sub, topping the third person together but no penetration
— they might orchestrate BDSM scenes with outsiders only at clubs, never at home
— the Dom might train multiple subs yet only have sex with his “Alpha”
— the couple might live as Dom & sub at home, yet enjoy vanilla play outside
— the couple might belong to a private group who enjoys BDSM play with the other members of the group
— the Dom might allow the sub to play with an outsider while the Dom observes
— the Dom might have several full-time slaves besides their “Alpha” who are sexual partners, and these outsiders may or may not spend time at the couple’s house
— the couple might live as hardcore Dom & sub yet they only act as Dual Doms to any outsiders, whether play partner, slave or otherwise
— the couple might be monogamous in their home city but have a negotiation regarding being allowed to play with others when apart from each other for a length of time
— the couple may have unusual rules around intimacy with outsiders, such as no kissing on the lips, or a certain toy or toys that are never, ever used on outsiders
— the couple might be completely Tantric with each other, yet merely casual with all outsiders

ETC, ETC, ETC!

For the sake of discussion, lets also create a false “fact” here that says this list could at least contain 30 variations of ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene.

The point I am trying to make here is that if you take the 15 ways Swingers express any form of sexuality that involves others / outsiders, AND you add the above 30 or so ways a couple can play with an outside partner WITHOUT being members of the Swinger Scene, you have (and this is a mere, off-the-cuff ESTIMATION) at LEAST 45 different ways that a couple can express ANY form of sexuality that involves others!!!

As a philosophical side-note, a friend of mine put forth the proposition that 24/7 Lifestyle D/s is inherently Polyamorous. I do not know that I necessarily agree as I am a firm believer in the sheer magnitude of the magic a tightly bonded Master and slave can experience. However for the sake of presenting all sides, here is how his argument went:
A Master wants his cherished slave to be his “Everything Girl.” This is why he takes so much time and joy in her Training. Yet the reality of most people is that they cannot be all things to any one person. Thus the Dom inherently encounters Needs where a second or third submissive is required to fill those needs. An example of this is how a Dom/me might need a slave for cooking and domestic, another slave to tend the garden, a sexual / passion slave, a slave for hardcore BDSM play, a slave for pet play, a slave with secretarial skills, etc. If the Dom can have all these in One Person that is fantastic and a true blessing. Otherwise the 24/7 Lifestyle D/s structure would dictate (according to my associate) that additional people would need to be brought on board.
I understand where my associate is coming from but I do not necessarily agree that outside people “Must” be brought in. I think it reverts back to the discussion above that ONE VARIATION of Polyamory in 24/7 Lifestyle BDSM would be where the Dom has multiple subs to fulfill multiple needs. In some variations the Dom would have a variety of degrees of sexual connection with these additional subs, while in other variations the Dom would reserve varying degrees (or all) of their sexuality for their primary partner / slave. So even if my associate was correct in his assumption (a debatable one at that) there would still be a VARIETY of WAYS that this would be able to be expressed.

Are you getting the picture yet?
One Word: VARIETY

THUS:
There are practically as many ways for a couple to express ANY form of sexuality that involves others, as there are FETISHES THAT ALL OF US IN THE BDSM SCENE ARE ABLE TO ENJOY! This is a MASSIVE ASPECT of the BEAUTY of the GREATER GLOBAL BDSM SCENE – the VARIETY of ways that we all get to Express Ourselves!! 😀

Would you walk up to a Dom and ask, “are you Skilled or Unskilled?”
Of course you would NOT! Trying to drop a Dom into a bucket of Skilled verses Unskilled is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION. You would want to know WHERE the Dom’s skills were, what they were experts at, what they were semi-skilled at, whether or not their level of skill in certain Fetishes matched your desires of where you enjoyed playing and exploring.

Asking if you think Europe is “Good or Bad” is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.
You would want to know what parts of Europe a person loved and what parts they hated because THAT INFORMATION IS USEFUL (albeit utterly subjective and probably wise to cross-reference).

Would you ask someone, “Do you have Hard Limits?” and accept a Yes or No answer? Of course NOT! You would want DETAILS because people have a MASSIVE VARIETY of different kinds of Hard Limits. You would ask what is the Exact Nature of the person’s limits, because THAT INFORMATION IS TRULY USEFUL. Phrasing it into a Black & White dichotomy, a Yes or No question is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.

Knowing the VARIETY of ways that Polyamory can manifest in a healthy fashion (PLUS the realities of all the non-sanctioned non-monogamous activities that occur as a result of bad communication and dishonest reporting) means that asking someone the black & white question, “Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous?” is ASKING THE WRONG QUESTION.

THE RIGHT QUESTIONS and HOW YOU ASK THEM:

WHAT NEEDS TO BE ASKED are questions that, JUST LIKE NEGOTIATING with a new Dom or sub, help you discover the Exact Nature of the person’s desires, limits (both Hard and Soft), and EXACT PROCLIVITIES when it comes to the subject of expressing ANY form of sexuality that involves others.

It might be safer to say that there are TWO GOOD QUESTIONS:
1) “Are you a believer in and do you desire Hardcore, Hardline, True & Total Monogamy (at the absolute far end of the spectrum)?”
For the sake of brevity, perhaps Question #1 could be abbreviated:
“Are you a practitioner of Hardcore Monogamy?”

If the answer is NO (especially since quite often the HONEST answer would tend to be No, though again I think that if Hardcore, Hardline, True & Total Monogamy is your desire that you SHOULD stick to your beliefs and pursue finding that special someone who can truly reciprocate that back to you), then the second and MAIN QUESTION that is the RIGHT QUESTION TO ASK is:

2) “HOW do you express your polyamory?”
i.e. which of the 45 or more ways are YOUR ways?
or simply, “What is your preferred STYLE of Polyamory?”

THIS QUESTION will get you MUCH MUCH closer to seeing if the WIDE VARIETY of Styles Of Polyamorous Play line up for the two of you, where there may need to be some negotiation, where limits may be encountered, etc.

CASE IN POINT:

— THE WRONG QUESTION is about making a BLIND and IGNORANT JUDGEMENT CALL based on generally FALSE INFORMATION and REDUCTIONISTIC THINKING. The BLACK & WHITE thinking of the WRONG QUESTION only really ends up placing limitations on YOURSELF. The FUNDAMENTALISM of the WRONG QUESTION flies in the face and DENIES the basic prescript of intelligent NEGOTIATION (r.e. styles of poly play), a prescript required at the very foundation of healthy BDSM. Bottom Line – Fundamentalist Thinking and BDSM do NOT tend to make good bedfellows.

— THE RIGHT QUESTIONS, on the other hand, are an INTELLIGENT INVESTIGATION into your prospective new partner’s beliefs in an area as wide as discerning their preferred Fetishes. THE RIGHT QUESTIONS glean intelligent DETAILS of how they HONESTLY tend to proceed. THE RIGHT QUESTIONS set a person at ease, as they show that you understand that there are MANY ways to express Polyamorous activity. It shows you respect the individual take on the topic, just as you would respect someone’s individual take on BDSM, even if their preference is not your preference. LIKE BDSM, knowing someone’s Preference allows for Healthy Negotioation. When you acknowledge the SPECTRUM of possibilities by asking the RIGHT QUESTIONS, you OPEN DOORS and CREATE OPPORTUNITIES to explore and enjoy additional forms of mutually satisfying activities. You and your prospective new partner are then communicating in a way that is Honest, Forthright and, if the negotiation in this area is successful, may well contain additional ways for the two of you to have fun and explore together.

THE WRONG QUESTION or the RIGHT QUESTIONS.
Take your pick.

THE END RESULT:

Asking the RIGHT QUESTIONS will give people a SUPERIOR Understanding of the REALITIES of the vast world of GENUINE Human Sexuality (not just the parts that get a heap of dishonest lip service).

So next time someone asks you, “Are you Polyamorous or Monogamous?” tell them “That’s The Wrong Question,” and send them to read this article.

Or as I tell people jokingly nowadays who insist on asking me The Wrong Question:
“Its best if you think of me as Polyamorous although I cannot promise you that I am ever going to have sex with anyone else.”

EDIT:
Just a quick note to reiterate that the main article above, “Monogamy vs Polyamory – THE WRONG QUESTION” is not so much intended to be any kind of massive defense for the cause of Polyamory, as much as open the minds of people to re-think the concept of Monogamy in light of the REALITIES of what so-called “Monogamy” generally tends to ACTUALLY entail. Juxtaposing this with the VAST MISCONCEPTIONS about Polyamory, my goal is that people should have their eyes opened to the FULL SPECTRUM of activity and preferences that are available. I would like to see the ABSOLUTE END of the single, closed-minded, black & white question, “Are you Monogamous or Polyamorous” and have that question permanently replaced with a superior and intensely more comprehensive set of questions that truly tune-in to where an individual’s preferences lay on the SPECTRUM of possibilities. Making the Wide Parameters of that Spectrum cleanly apparent is a large part of the purpose of the article. It is NOT my intention to say that any one point on that spectrum, neither the extreme ends of the spectrum nor any of the numerous places in the middle, are better or more correct than any other point or preference.

Its all about Being Honest With Yourself.

You can contact Arcane through The Crow Academy and read more advice and writings here. Follow Arcane @CrowAcademy as well as on Facebook. His new book Igniting the Fire is available now on Amazon.

Are You Vanilla Or Genuinely Submissive?

July 26, 2016 By Arcane 6 Comments

This article originally appeared on ArcaneAdvice.com.

A bright new submissive wrote me asking how could she tell if she was really submissive? The question seemed slightly moot at first, as the reason we were speaking was because I was a Dom and she was a submissive seeking knowledge. Nonetheless the question and our ensuing discussion quickly touched on a variety of key points that seem to describe in a mutually positive way the virtues of both Vanilla as well as the virtues of being Submissive. I would not pretend that our conversation covered every element to consider when asking oneself this question, however I enjoyed the conversation very much. I felt it showed that being Vanilla is not a negative thing at all, and in fact can be quite beautiful, while at the same time it reflected how embracing Submission – if that is what your soul is calling for – can share many of the same virtues the Vanilla path holds while at the same time glistening with a whole set of separate virtues unique to the path of Submission. It struck me as quite an egalitarian assessment and so I chose to present the essential points of the discussion here.

Enjoy.

Summarizing the “essential” difference between Vanilla and Submissive, I elected to look at seven key qualities:

CONNECTION
INTENSITY
DEPTH
VULNERABILITY
OPENNESS (Honesty)
BEING EXPOSED (as in the joy of being able to be so)
TRUST

To begin to see the difference between the Vanilla Path and the Submissive Path, we will examine each of these seven qualities from both the Vanilla and the Submissive perspectives. To say the very least, this list of seven key points is NOT the sum total of all there is to the difference between Vanilla and Submissive. Nonetheless, I chose these seven key points as reasonable markers of some of the concepts one might consider and contemplate in the pursuit of helping to discern which way the compass points in one’s own nature….

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CONNECTION

Vanilla – It is certainly true that a healthy Vanilla couple will seek and share a very strong Connection. That feeling of Being Connected to someone, as opposed to just conversing or having a one-night stand, is perhaps that titillating feeling everyone gets as they become genuinely fond of the other person and sense that same fondness being returned. Perhaps it arises as mutual likes are discovered, or one feels a similarity of temperament over time with another. It is possible this even leads to the experience of Love as the Connection grows and that fondness turns to genuine affection and caring. Certainly healthy Vanilla couples the world over feel a very strong sense of Romantic and even Soul Connection, and it often becomes a quality one desires when seeking a longer-term partner.

Submissive – In the D/s World, Connection contains all the above qualities, and yet it becomes nearly tangible, like something you can taste or touch, when it begins to contain the Connection between a well-tuned Dom and sub. Within the extreme focus that comes with D/s, comes a kind of Connection that can feel literally like an electrical circuit being completed, with the power flow streaming cyclically between the two – from Dom to sub as the Dominant exerts his best efforts upon the submissive, cycling back with the submissive’s inner beauty and flowering being a force of empowerment back into the Dom’s designs and choices. It is a one-way flow of power but a cycle of empowerment. It is not a “power exchange” as the misnomer calls it, yet it is most definitely a Power Flow, and it requires both the Dom and the sub to complete the circuit and have that electrical Connection truly flow.

The Relevant Questions r.e. CONNECTION:
Is the Romantic and Soul Connection enough for you? Or in addition do you seek that further Electric, Living, Empowering Force of the D/s Connection?

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INTENSITY

Vanilla – Vanilla couples who share Intensity usually are referring to an activity they share (thinking of intensity in a positive light, as opposed to the intensity of conflicting opinion in an argument – that is not the Intensity we speak of here). They may share an adrenalin rush from skydiving together or riding the roller-coasters at a theme park. They might share the Intense Joy of taking a great, traveling adventure together. They might share the intensity of a night of mad, passionate love-making where both come alive in their most animalistic way. However, in the day-to-day life of a Vanilla Couple, Intensity is not usually a quality that is sought, but rather there is much more of a tendency to opt for Peace, Calmness, Steadiness, and Equilibrium.

Submissive – A submissive “in role” certainly knows the feeling of their breath being taken away when their Dom asks for any kind of D/s activity that gladly reminds the submissive of the fact that they share D/s. For example, that moment in the shopping mall when the Dom whispers into the ear of the submissive, “stand at attention.” The submissive intuitively knows that taking a predetermined posture is harmless and most likely unnoticed by others around them, yet at the same time she gets to enjoy the Rush, the Buzz of even the tiniest level of “naughtiness”…. of the microscopic moment of Discipline that is happening…. of the fact that in the space of merely a few second she has been transported out of the mundane and into the clear space of D/s. A moment later the posture is relaxed and the two go on about their business, but the excitement, the added Intensity of KNOWING that at any time the Power and Embrace of D/s can arise, remains alive in their minds. In a 24/7 for example, that is a background Intensity that never fades. For the Dom and sub however, this does not even remotely take into account the extremely overt Intensity of any kind of BDSM scene, which unlike their Vanilla counterparts is an activity shared by the D/s couple. Perhaps the main difference is that a D/s Couple can share that Intensity at any time night or day, with an act as simple as the Dom choosing to give his submissive a quick, sweet spanking. This is as opposed to the Vanilla couple with whom it is more a matter of leaving their home (with the exception of hot sex) to share a similar Intensity.

The Relevant Question r.e. INTENSITY:
Are you satisfied with sharing fewer moments of Intensity with your partner on special occasions and in bed, or do you want to be in a relationship where Intensity is a more pervading and continuing element that you can share with greater randomness in regards to the where and when, and particularly express in moments of BDSM activity?

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DEPTH

Vanilla – It would be absurd to suggest that Vanillas are incapable of profound levels of Depth in their relationships – of course they are! Most of Shakespeare’s love stories, the great works of inspired artists throughout time, and endless tales of Love so deep that it shakes the foundations of the gods themselves are peppered throughout human history in the tales of Vanilla Couples. Books on the Spirituality of Vanilla Couples, including the Kama Sutra itself, emphasize again and again that ANY Couple – Vanilla, D/s, or otherwise – can attain immaculate Depth in their relationship if the two are aligned to connect in such a way.

Submissive – The submissive and the D/s Couple share those same opportunities for Depth that the Vanilla Couples can attain, with the added condition that the roles of Dominant and submissive can in themselves become so Deep as to become Spiritual, like a living breathing work of Art, “Life As Art” if you will. Now that said, there is a caveat – in D/s the Dom and the sub can become too entrenched in the “roles” of “Dominant” and “submissive” such that these roles that normally can be experienced with incredible intensity, become instead a sort of misleading, 2-Dimensional “pseudo-depth” ensuing from too much adherence to the “role” while losing sight of that beautiful, all-encompassing, human Depth that is the birthright of every couple. This is one reason why I strongly emphasize that the Dom and the sub must never lose sight of the fact that they are two living, loving human beings no matter what. To have Depth between a Dom and a sub who also share a deep love of their roles yet prize their connection as two loving beings first and foremost is truly the Double Win.

The Relevant Questions r.e. DEPTH:
Do you seek a pure and poetic love which will encompass you in your calm human nature, and nothing more? Or in addition, do you also seek immersion into the expansion and flowering of your own submissive soul vis-a-vis your Dom’s devotion into expressing his Dominance alongside your submission, both at your very, very best?

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VULNERABILITY

Vanilla – In the Vanilla world, that moment when you realize you are vulnerable to your partner can be both scary and also very relieving, as you suddenly understand you have found someone with whom you can “take off your mask,” lower your guard, and perhaps even be yourself in a way that you feel you must otherwise defend or hide in your daily life. It is a sense of trust that you extend, hoping with unspecified terms that the one to whom you have made yourself Vulnerable will protect and respect whatever fragility you have let them see. If that feeling of Vulnerability makes you feel loved and respected in return, if you feel protected and safe in your Vulnerability, then that will certainly bring a Vanilla Couple closer together.

Submissive – Likewise a submissive can share that same feeling of Vanilla Vulnerability, and yet with the submissive it can and will go so much deeper. The submissive’s gesture to their Dom of giving themselves to the Dom to be nurtured, shaped, taught and trained…. to release into the realm of BDSM where the Dom will use a variety of toys upon the submissive…. to allow the Dom to bind or restrain the submissive…. all these will make the submissive feel incredibly Vulnerable. That these same activities EXCITE the submissive, that this level of Vulnerability translates into Blissful Surrender and Personal Ecstasy for the submissive, are the straight-forward distinctions that separate Vanilla Vulnerability from Submissive Vulnerability. Indeed it is a profound difference.

The Relevant Question r.e. VULNERABILITY:
Does the happy idea of allowing yourself to be Vulnerable to your partner extend only as far as that personal level of taking off your mask and being beautifully accepted for who you are as an evolving human being?
Or do you get Excited at the idea of taking your Vulnerability to a much greater magnitude that entails being Vulnerable not only emotionally as described above, but also quite literally physically and mentally as well with your beloved Dominant, a man you truly Trust?

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OPENNESS (Honesty)

Vanilla – It is always a beautiful exchange when a Vanilla Couple can be truly Open and Honest with each other. Building ANY relationship on a foundation of Openness and Honesty will always produce a quality exchange between the two. It will build Respect. It will build Trust. Most of the time this Openness will arise in the form of small moments or events from the Vanilla person’s life which they feel can be related to their partner even though there might be a quality of dubiousness about the moment or event. It is that knowledge that with your intimate partner that you can still share the information and know they will still love you and respect you that makes Openness with a Vanilla partner a joy to share.

Submissive – In the world of D/s the exposure of the Soul can go extremely deep. A Dominant might feel they need to KNOW what is going on inside their submissive, and might make inquiries aimed at revealing a perspective inside the mind and heart of their beloved submissive. Equally, the submissive might have a whole maelstrom of feelings whirling away inside herself, and depend upon the knowledge that she can come to her Dom to help her sort out these feelings. In addition to all that “being Open” means to the daily lives of a Vanilla Couple, in a D/s Couple being Open can be a road into the Deep Psychology of the submissive, given that the Dominant is peaceful enough and centered enough themselves to take on that very serious Responsibility. At the least, the submissive is someone who seeks to be able to come to one whom they trust far above anyone else, their Dom, and share not only dubious moments or events, but also the deepest inner workings of her soul. In an ideal D/s Relationship this equates to a Dom who is capable of handling such depth and clearly seeing the love in his submissive’s trust, and a Dom who can embrace the Openness of his submissive and give her back Calm and Positive Understanding to the best of his ability.
In finely-tuned D/s the Dominant in turn will also require the ability to be completely Open with his submissive so that he can express his designs and needs in a loving atmosphere of receptivity. Though the Dominant holds the power of command, for the submissive to hold powerful respect and trust for her Dom such that she can cleanly receive his input with the mechanism of positive feedback going in both directions (given adherence and appreciation of D/s Etiquette, e.g. keeping the communication High Quality), is foundational to creating the D/s Dance in its highest form.
One cannot overlook the more common quality of plain and simple COMMUNICATION SKILLS as well. In D/s, Openness also equates to being able to TALK about ANY activity that the two engage in, be it a BDSM scene, the Training of the submissive, and / or any other exploration of the D/s Lifestyle or Activities (again given the appropriate decorum of said communication at a given time). D/s Couples ABSOLUTELY WILL push the envelope father than their Vanilla counterparts, and as such Openness and Communication must be held as truly esteemed guiding principles.

The Relevant Questions r.e. OPENNESS:
Do you seek a partner with whom you can safely confide any aspect of yourself and find acceptance with them and that’s enough? Or do you furthermore seek to expose your Deepest Inner Workings to a Dom you look up to, who can accept whatever comes up and continue to guide you along in your submissive journey? Are you satisfied if your Openness leads to an appreciation of Honesty and builds Trust and stops there, or should it additionally become an Active Force of Communication that elicits Great Spoken Detail when addressing activities that will literally Push The Envelope of your very existence?

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BEING EXPOSED

Vanilla – In the world of Vanilla Couples, far too often allowing oneself to be Exposed to one’s partner is a slow-coming quality that often takes great time and familiarity to attain. People commonly have all manner of hidden aspects of themselves that they fear will shock or drive away a partner if these qualities were known. Amongst these qualities are such things as an overly sensitive nature, aggressive thoughts, or deviant sexual fantasies. Carl Jung the famous psychologist called these the Shadow Self, the parts one generally keeps hidden and / or suppressed out of fear of being judged. In Vanilla Couples the degree to which one allows oneself to be Exposed fills the entire range from “you will never see or know these parts of me” to “please accept all my oddities.” There is no common amount of Exposure that can be ascribed to a Vanilla Couple – it really comes down to what the individual feels can be safely expressed, or what they feel had best be kept hidden away for fear of being judged.

Submissive – This is one area in which a submissive can let go and release in ways Vanilla’s are not commonly capable of doing. Within a D/s Couple, the Dom has the Living Opportunity to Expose his own Shadow Self via the various scenes, toys, and mutually acceptable activities that the Dom and sub will share. Likewise, the submissive is given the clear and open opportunity to express her own Shadow Self, her submissive soul, her “darkest” fantasies, her need for surrender, her need for someone else – one man – to take control, and much more, all vis-a-vis what the Dom expresses. Suddenly the “hidden matter” of the Shadow Self becomes veritable Food For Mutual Pleasure between the flowing exchange of the Dom and sub who are well-tuned and able to appreciate the kinks and quirks of these previously hidden elements. The submissive can allow herself to be Exposed in a light of genuine acceptance because the two are relaxed and capable of feeling safe with their own Shadow Selves being in the open with each other. The very nature of the Dom’s Shadow Self – often controlling, sexually aggressive, playfully deviant, and perhaps mischievously insidious – finds Safe Harbor when juxtaposed with a submissive who’s Shadow Self is perhaps deeply desiring of sexual submission, enlightened deviance, needing to be controlled, guided, molded, and shaped, and hoping to be with one with whom she can relax in the insidious machinations of her Dom’s playful (but nonetheless loving and safe) “dark genius.”

The Relevant Questions r.e. BEING EXPOSED:
Is the exposure of your Shadow Self and your hidden thoughts really not all that important to you or only a passing thought now and then?
Or do you seek to be able to Expose your most hidden, deviant thoughts to your partner? Is part of what you desire to expose a quality within yourself that craves for another to take control and guide you? Do you deeply desire to be with one who not only accepts your Shadow Self and submissive deviance, but who in fact Revels in it?

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TRUST

Vanilla – Trust can never be underestimated. It is perhaps one of the Holy Grails of ANY healthy relationship, Vanilla, D/s, or otherwise. To the Vanilla Couple, Trust means being able to Depend on your partner, to know they are there for you when the going gets tough, to know they do not lie to you nor distort the truth, to know they “have your back.” These are all absolutely honorable qualities to desire and seek in a Vanilla partner. Trust in ANY form is a beautiful thing. A Vanilla Couple will gain Trust for each other as they get to know each other, expose parts of themselves, make themselves a bit vulnerable here and there, and build that Trust over time.

Submissive – In the world of D/s, Trust still contains all the literal needs of Vanilla Trust, but it dives below into a far deeper level where it becomes a Living Thing Manifest. It goes beyond mere concepts and knowledge, and becomes a truly Tangible Experience. When the submissive is bound she Trusts her Dom to take her on a journey of the flesh – be it with BDSM toys or merely sexual – that will land her safe and healthy back where she started, though perhaps with a little more self-knowledge and a clear smile on her face. When the submissive kneels before her Dom while he Trains her, she Trusts that whatever Pathway he holds in mind for her evolution under his hand will be honorable and have her best interests in mind long-term. Likewise, via the Fidelity of finely tuned communication between the Dom and sub, the Dom learns to Trust the responses and messages from his submissive – during a scene, during Training, and during their daily life – such that he can continue to push himself to be at his very best with his submissive while secure in his own knowledge that he is proceeding along mutually acceptable lines from a profoundly deep connection. Trust within D/s is not merely a philosophical concept nor merely a happy experience of the heart — it is a Very Literal Experience that your partner is someone with whom you can put your life in their hands. A D/s Couple will often start by extending a modicum of Trust to the other to effectively “get started,” and through a series of successful scenes, delicious activities and inspired Training, as the smiles come and both eventually find that deep satisfaction they were seeking with each other – their D/s complement – where Trust will climb up the gradient until a Deeply Profound level of Trust is mutually attained and warmly embraced by both.

The Relevant Questions r.e. TRUST:
How DEEP do you want your experience of Trust to be? Will you be satisfied having mild to medium Trust in your heart for your partner? Perhaps even a sense of deep trust in your heart? Or do you need MORE – do you need the Living Experience of those moments when Trust is so In-Your-Face that their is plainly and simply no denying it, when you can almost taste it, feel it, and hold it in your hands?

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I hope that by examining these Seven Points that you, dear reader, are able to answer the question in yourself, “is my desire for submission genuine?”

Whether you find that you are more suited to the Vanilla Path or whether you find that only the Path of Submission will satisfy your soul, I wish you the very best in your journey.

Arcane

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