Baadmaster

Outdoor Play

November 4, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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There are two major events that concern all of us: the first is the Covid situation. I pledged to stop writing about it and, to a great extent, I have kept my promise and ignored it. Which leaves the other major determinant in all our lives – the weather.

In much of the country, there are four seasons – two of which tend to keep us indoors. Add into that the “I promised not to mention” situation and we have become, for a greater part of the year, a nation of hermits. Thus, when I stumbled upon the following question, it seemed to be perfectly timed to the appearance of magnificent weather here in SoCal.

For those of you who follow my work, you will notice there is an overlap with a previous piece on abduction scenes. The dangers – and the excitement – of outdoor sex and play can be awesome. So, with that in mind, let’s go to the question!

Reader: With the weather being nice out, thoughts of outdoor play are on my mind. Can you give some advice on things to be watchful for? Of course… you can’t have only warnings/dangers, or your readership would boo and hiss. So, can you cover both aspects of outdoor play!

In our abduction article, we covered the dangers of outdoor BDSM play – and added a bunch of suggestions that should keep you safe and not wind up in jail. Since you are not talking about an abduction scene per se, I am going to suggest that you take D/s, as opposed to BDSM, outdoors. It is a lot safer than BDSM – after all you cannot get arrested for calling your Master “Master” at an amusement park.

What I propose is that you add some protocols that you can perform outdoors – protocols you would never bother with indoors during winter. If you are a medium protocol Dom like me, you can add some higher protocols that can be performed outside. Let’s say you are at the beach. A few months ago, you might have shivered in the windy sand. But, here in the warm outdoors, why not have your submissive serve you? Let him/her get all your food and beverages. He/she can even sneak in some nifty serving rituals. I guarantee you, no one will notice it. The great outdoors is also a good place to slip in some high protocol D/s like foot worship.

There are some great sex toys that work well in a D/s context. A wireless, remote controlled vibrator or butt plug might be edgy, but you only live twice, Mr. Bond. (The newest Bond is terrible, BTW). Having your female submissive hike in the woods with a vibrating toy inside her, controlled by you, gives new meaning to “exploring.” Again, short of a cavity search, this is your own private secret!

Discipline can be accomplished outdoors a lot easier than indoors. If your submissive is deserving of punishment, why not give him/her a difficult outdoor task rather than the typical indoor spanking? A one-mile run should be more than enough to discourage the miscreant from repeating his/her indiscretion. You can take it one step further with an outdoor humiliation scene. Making your sub wear a baby pacifier at the park might just be the kind of degradation that will keep your sub from misbehaving. The beauty of it is that, to the vanilla public at large, it appears to be nothing more than a bit of summer madness.

There are also great summer destinations that are, unintentionally, scene friendly. I loved to go to Las Vegas with my slave. In the words of the old ad campaign, “What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Basically anything short of public sex will go unnoticed here – not because it is a libertine city (prostitution is, amazingly, illegal in Las Vegas) – but rather a crowded one. If you insist your slave opens doors for you, go for it. No one will raise an eyebrow. (Whether the sub opens doors for the Dom/me or vice versa is open to debate; I think it is the Dom/me’s decision.) Walk two steps behind your Master, head bowed – no one will make a comment. If you want your sub or slave to always address you as “Master,” even in a restaurant, no one here will give it a second thought. Walk through the casinos with a flogger attached to your belt, dungeon style, and you probably won’t ruffle a feather. Short of crawling behind your Master or Mistress, anything D/s goes. Even collar and leash will likely go unnoticed and unchallenged.

Many other vacation destinations, by their very nature, are somewhat scene friendly. Not by design; it just works out that way. Because they attract people whose aim is to have fun, most will give you a lot of room to play. Additionally, much of our lifestyle has become mainstream. So if your intention is to shock – slut writing on your slave is one way to shock many civilians – you have some extra work to do to avoid creating an angry crowd, especially with a female slave. You might also avoid the word “slave” in conservative – and even liberal – enclaves. Social rules change quickly. Most important, be considerate. If there are kids around, be circumspect or take your play out of their range.

I remember once, on South Beach in Miami, I was lightly spanking my submissive on the beach. A couple passed by, stopped and watched. After a while, the female said, “Oooh, that looks like fun!” And it was!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Consensual Kidnapping Scenes

October 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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With the phenomenon of “cameras everywhere,” the possibility of doing anything under rhe radar – from BDSM to Bread and Breakfast – is virtually impossible. Of course, this erosion of privacy can be a topic in just about any forum, from politics to sexual expression. So, when a question that includes all aspects of intrusive technology with respect to BDSM comes across my desk (and I don’t even have a desk!), I jump at the chance to attempt a cogent answer. So, here it is!

Reader: My Mistress and i have been thinking about a play kidnap scene but are uncertain about Health and Safety precautions, and of course the law. How can we do this safely and avoid involving the Police or the public unintentionally?

As we all know, privacy is going the way of the horse and buggy. One must assume that if you want to attempt an abduction scene, you will have to keep in mind you will be observed. The question is whether this intrusion will insure a trip to the local police station. Your question acknowledges the Police could get involved.

If you imagine an abduction scene as being a “mini-movie,” you can use this to great advantage – from planning aspects to legal issues. From the planning side, making a “movie storyboard” is a great way to go. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it can take you from “point a” to “point b” to “point c” in an easy-to-picture way. By visualizing every step, it will help you identify those areas most likely to go right — or wrong. A storyboard gives you a great overview and makes controlling the whole project a lot easier.

As to the legal concerns, it is clear that the actual kidnapping is always the riskiest part. And the more true-to-life you want to make the scene, the more dangerous it is. With video cameras all over the place, prepare for the best but expect the worst. I am not giving any legal advice here (this is the “BaadMaster disclaimer”), but I have discovered one great concept that can take some of the risk out of an abduction scene. I call this the “reality TV movie” strategy. With the popularity of reality TV, this approach has a lot to recommend it. It takes a bit of extra work, but if you wish to stage a realistic abduction scene, it is well worth the effort.

First of all, write a quick abduction script. Title it something like, “The Abduction of Amber.” Then have each person involved sign an actor’s contract/release form and attach a photocopy of his/her driver’s license. Verify that everyone is of legal age. Finally, you must have a video camera with you and take some footage of the “project.” This doesn’t make you immune to Murphy’s Law, but it gives you a degree of protection should things go wrong.

And what can go wrong? Two untoward things can happen when you stage a public abduction. One, a cop actually sees the kidnapping and intervenes. The “reality movie” explanation – with all your “actors” ready to state that it is a movie project and with all the release forms in order – will, more than likely, head off any problems. Another, somewhat similar, problem can occur if someone sees the abduction and calls the police. In this case, you might wind up with cherry tops pulling you over. Again, the movie setup gives you the best chance of not having any further hassles. Be respectful, have your paperwork ready, spend the twenty bucks and register this “script” with the WGA and you will likely be fine. At the very least, if you are arrested, the charges will likely be dropped.

You might think all this preparation takes the fun and spontaneity out of the scene. This might be true to some extent; but we live in the real world. Just as safe sex is essential in the world of STD’s, so is caution indispensable in a world of aggressive law enforcement. Anything worth doing well is worth doing right. And taking a lot – if not all – of the worry out of an abduction scene more than compensates for the extra planning and paperwork this approach requires.

This “reality TV” concept does not preclude the need to follow all of the procedures that I outlined. Make sure to agree on safe words, have an outside friend available on the cellphone and pre-negotiate all hard and soft limits. You don’t want problems at the destination after the abduction goes well. The less that is left to chance, the more fun you will have. Movies and TV have filled our minds with all sorts of nifty, sometimes sexy, visions of what a kidnapping looks like. With this in mind, why not star in your own movie? That, to me, sounds like the most fun!

Is Age Merely A Number?

October 7, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Finally, a question and answer that will NOT mention the C-Word. (Covid.) Oops, I slipped. Well, just once is pretty good!So, here it is (got there pretty quick, eh?)

Reader: My new sub is quite a bit younger than I am… by 25 years, in fact. We met online and immediately hit it off, and have moved into a RL relationship with flying colors so far. But I’m concerned about how our age difference might impact our relationship, mutual friendships and our play life. Any advice?

You sure picked the right Dom to ask this question to. My last collared, live-in slave was more – believe it or not – than thirty years younger than me. (Dexx can vouch for that!) As I recently released her, after more than eleven years together, I guess that makes me an “expert” on Master/slave relationships with extreme age disparities. One thing I have learned — there are both pros and cons in this situation. So, first let’s first examine the pros!One big advantage of age is experience.

Since you are more knowledgeable, BDSM-wise, than your submissive, you have already put a positive spin on your relationship. Even with just a few years head start, you will be able to dazzle your submissive with techniques that are only mastered over time. In fact, he/she might have chosen you because of your BDSM skills. I know many D/s couples where the age difference is cast in an exclusively positive light. “He is so much more experienced than I am.” “I learn so much about BDSM from my Master.” “I would never trust a Dom without him having many more years in the lifestyle than me.” These are the types of quotes I have heard, time and time again.

Believe me, your situation might raise eyebrows in the vanilla world. (“Is she your daughter?”) Here in our community, I have seen even greater age differences than mine and hardly an eyebrow (with a piercing!) was raised!Another reason this situation can work out so well in our lifestyle is that the older Dom/me likely has a large play and toy selection to keep his submissive happy! One reason so many vanilla May/December marriages die (or where the younger wife cheats!) is that the older man just simply can’t keep up with his younger wife – or compete with a younger man to satisfy her. Sadly, this is an unavoidable circumstance in the “sex-only–based” vanilla world. But, in our BDSM world, you have all sorts of play options that can keep your submissive flying, even if you can’t keep it up like a twenty year old.

For example, a long flogging session will excite a submissive more than any vanilla foreplay can. And, you can even put the submissive into sub-space – without any sex at all. Add sex into the mix, wow! No wonder the myth of submissives having a secret “Dom/me on the side” is less myth than fact. The appeal of a skilled Dominant to a submissive can never be underestimated. Since your younger partner is your sub, I see no reason why you cannot use your expertise to keep her enthralled for years. And, if you add a little Cialis, with the four-hour erection, into a long BDSM play session, your partner won’t be wanting for anything. Better living through floggers and chemistry!

However, there is one aspect to an age difference that can make it a more serious problem than many other issues — it is, by definition, irreversible. No Master or Mistress, no matter how skilled, can change that fact. Thus, to say age is never a factor would be wrong. In my case, my slave wanted kids; I did not. The fact that she wanted to have children while still in her early/mid thirties was not something that could be changed by order of the Master.

The biological clock is the biological clock. One must respect that. Another problem is the inevitable intrusion of the vanilla world into your realm. You have to be able to ignore the slings and arrows of disapproving peers. That it is often borne of jealousy does not make this scorn any less hurtful. I would basically ignore anything negative, especially from strangers. The fact that my relationship lasted almost twelve years is proof that it can be done.

Remember, if you use the positive aspects of your age and experience to your advantage, you will be fine. Judging by the number of May/December D/s couples I see, age will be the least of your worries!

BDSM Safety Tips

September 23, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came. It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly. But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something would never have done pre-pandemic. And so, the following question.

Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)

To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.” If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately. But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space. Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire? (Are you allergic to penicillin?) But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” – might open a productive dialogue between first-time players. Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat. With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play. Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around. So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag. We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.

Now onto safe words. Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second. The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you). Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. The “New Guard” wants style. “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scenes. Forget using trendy new safe words. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression – “after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.

Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!”

Timing Within BDSM Relationships

September 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Over the years, we here at kink weekly have covered collars extensively. Our two part series, “The Collar” ( https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-one/ and https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-two/ ) examine both the history and the current state of collaring. It is safe to say that collaring has changed over the years. But the following question reflects more than just change; it asks about a whole new way of collaring. The question, please:

Reader: I know my Dom for a month and he wants to collar me. But, he wants it to be permanent and have it welded closed. Is it too soon for such a commitment? As a female, I am always wary about being rushed into things. Is this a red flag or am I just being overly cautious?

I like the idea of a collar that is welded shut. (Of course, this takes expertise and should be done by a professional skilled in the welding art. If your Dom wants to do it himself, and his hands shake, run!) My own view – and this is my personal opinion only – is that there are too many ‘Velcro’ collars given out hastily, with little regard to their meaning. This brings us to the main part of your question – the significance of the collar to both of you and the timing of giving such a collar.

Before I begin to opine on your question, let me offer a disclaimer. “In the rare case a permanent collar causes a four-hour erection, see your doctor.” Oops, wrong disclaimer! (Or, maybe not. It just might be that a welded collar gives your Dom a four-hour erection. After all, collars are hot and, in his eyes, a welded collar might be super hot!) The real disclaimer involves the inconsistency of timing and/or values between people.

One month might appear quick to one person, while to another it might look like an eternity. One person might think of the significance of a collar one way, another views it in a totally different way. With regard to timing and significance, there is both good news and bad news in the answer to your question.The good news is that both of you are on the same page with respect to the meaning of the collar. He looks at it in a “until the welder do us part” way. And, you do too. Otherwise, you would not be willing to consider such a collar.

I believe that both the “collar-er” and the “collar-ee” should have similar views on its significance to make a D/s relationship work. A Velcro Dom should collar a Velcro sub. A Dominant who looks at the collar like a marriage should collar a submissive with similar views. In your case, the collar is equally meaningful both of you. Great!

Now, the bad news — although, not so bad. It is in the timing of this collar where you have a disconnect. Your Dom thinks one month is enough time to permanently collar you; you are not as sure. If BDSM traditions and common sense can be used as guideline, I agree with you. With rare exceptions, thirty days would appear to be too fast for such an all-encompassing commitment.

M/s and D/s requires a lot from both partners. Thus, many in the lifestyle, including me, believe a “courtship” period is necessary. Vanilla, shmanilla. This has worked in every lifestyle for hundreds of years. And, we have the perfect system for doing this – the “collar of consideration.” What an engagement ring is to marriage, the “collar of consideration” is to Master/slave. And, three to six months is the perfect range for this type of collar. If it works out, bring on the welder! You should respectfully ask your Dom what he thinks of a “collar of consideration.”

Find out his views. Let him know you look forward to a welded collar, but you want to get it right. He might be more understanding than you would assume. Never assume, ask. After all, he doesn’t want this collar to come off. And, the best way to assure this result is to not only weld it shut, but to also communicate effectively. Unless there is some unexplained circumstance, I don’t see the rush to collar you. If you assume your relationship will last years – which is the kind of permanence a welded collar implies – then what is the difference in waiting a few more months? After all, you really don’t want to call the welder twice!

Nevertheless, I find the idea of the welded collar extremely hot.

Enema Play

August 5, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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It’s that time of year again. No, I don’t mean “soon it will be back to school and summer will be over” time of year. Luckily, that worry is behind me. What I am referring to is on a more positive tip: It is time for DOMCON L.A. This annual “Convention de Kink” was canceled last year due to covid 19. But this year, it is back! A multi-day celebration of our lifestyle, it will be held at the LAX Hilton from August 18^th to August 23^rd, So why the long, shameless plug you ask? Answer: I will be a presenter there — on Saturday August 21^st at 12 noon. It will be a discussion of that which I concentrated on here on kinkweekly.com – how the pandemic affected us, both positively and negatively. Please join us. Now back to our regularly scheduled program – the Ask BaadMaster feature!

I had always wanted to spotlight more adventurous forms of play; surely enema play qualifies as such. And luckily I had a question just waiting to be answered. So, without delay, here is the query:

Reader: I am really interested in enemas. So far, I’ve been making do with a homemade one. I really want to create that gushing effect, but air keeps getting into the pipes. What should I do?

I liken enemas to buying a computer. Macs have the coolest of designs. But one must know how to use a computer before considering how neat looking it is. As a beginner, you must first learn how to give an enema. (Any article that links computers and enemas is worth reading! And unlike Apple,enema technology has not advanced much for quite awhile.

Obviously, to get that “gushing effect,” you will have to use a good amount of water. But what is a “good amount?” If I tried to give you an exact amount in ounces, it might not be the correct amount for your submissive. Intake capacity varies greatly between people. Use too much fluid and it can cause excruciating pain. Theoretically, too much fluid can actually explode the large intestine. Here is my system for determining the amount of liquid that is best for your submissive.

Buy a bunch of the handy-dandy pre-packaged enemas. These are small plastic squeeze bottles with the liquid already in it — the “ready to use” kind. They cost a couple of bucks each, tops. Usually they have a lubricated tip, which makes insertion easier. Look for those with a one-way valve — this will help you eliminate pumping in air — which you already said you want to avoid.

The liquids that are included vary. They can be phosphates — which are used for the relief of constipation. I would avoid these; use the ones with saline. Of course, you can replace the included liquid. A quick list of popular enema fluids includes: milk, mild soap solution, warm distilled water, saline and even urine! And never use water that is hotter than 105 degrees as you can scald the rectum. You will find different effects with different liquids – and the “gushing” effect will vary with each. Experimentation is the word here.

Make a note of the amount of liquid that the squeeze bottle contains. Typically, they hold about four and a half ounces. Now, for your first session, use only two bottles – about eight to nine ounces. Practice doing it in such a way so as to avoid pumping air into the rectum. This skill will serve you well in creating the gushing (love that word!) effect that you so desire.

At the next session, increase the amount – use up to four bottles. If you are able to instill about a half a quart of fluid without any air getting in, you will more than likely begin to get the effect you are looking for.

If a half-quart is fine, go with it. If not, you can still increase the amount of liquid. If there is any pain, stop! By the time you get to eight bottles (about a quart) without any air, you will no doubt have reached your goal. If you have achieved it with less, note that amount – this is the correct amount for your gushing effect. Until you become skilled in the art – which includes knowledge of different fluids – don’t exceed two quarts of liquid.

If you still cannot give an enema without pumping air in, you can always massage the air out. Have the sub sit on the floor, rolling slowly onto his/her side; then massage in such a way as to push the gas out. This is a tricky maneuver; it is far easier just to learn to give an enema sans air.

Once you finally master the art of giving a good enema (an EneMaster?) — you can look into the more exotic enema equipment. And as these “enema bags” are never pre-measured affairs, you will need all your knowledge to use these devices properly.

Entering Back Into The Scene

July 8, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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As we all start returning to our usual pre-covid ways, I would guess that one of the problems specific to our lifestyle is the “If you don’t use it you lose it” principle. I know my flogging skills have deteriorated quite a bit. As an example, I was playing with a new sub last Saturday and actually missed the target get a couple of times. Fortunately, I was aware that when dealing with ropes, canes and floggers it is easy to screw up after an enforced “vacation.” The oft-quoted principle of “Dominant Infallibility”comes up very short after a layoff. This article, in place of my usual ”Ask BaadMaster”column, is a collection of tips to make your transition back into our world of dungeons and discipline a little easier. So here goes:

Go Slow. My first tip, distilled from my experiences as outlined in the introduction, is to “Go Slow.” Just as athletes take it slow when returning from an injury, we should too. This is especially true in impact play. And this +approach would apply to the bottoms/subs too. Like it or not, subs can be very demanding. So when first playing, don’t goad the Top into hitting you harder. We waited so long to get back our play spaces, one week or two won’t be that critical

Opportunity knocks.. If you are in a no-protocol or low-protocol relationship, it is easy to add a few rituals to your arsenal. For example, after your sub comes home on a Friday night and you have cleared out some play time, instruct her/him to perform a greeting ritual. Typically, the sub kneels in front of the Dominant and kisses his feet. Or, introduce some leash and collar play. Either of these not only adds a new dimension to your sub’s submission, but it also helps transition him/her from the basically vanilla world of quarantine to BDSM play. Just adding a little extra pre-D/s can work wonders when you finally get back to BDSM.

Add a new toy. I know you have lots of toys, but I doubt you own every one that is made! Search for a new toys at the local sex shop or online BDSM store. It might take a some effort, but as the martial artists (and sadists, too) say, “No pain, no gain!”
Add some discipline into your play life. This can get a bit tricky, because you cannot suddenly become a stern disciplinarian when you have not been one a year or more. I would tackle an area you have been neglecting. For example, have her wear a specific makeup that gets you hot; tell her to dress in fetish clothes or demand she do specific acts that you have discussed but have not gotten around to doing. Every couple has a few of these. If she refuses, then you can get into the punishment mode that can also be exciting. (This is from an “Ask BaadMaster” query,)
Use unique punishments. Since there is every chance your sub might not comply with your orders after a year or more away from the Dungeon,, you must devise some new and unique punishments that get you off and she has not experienced. For example, one punishment I find particularly effective is the use of a baby pacifier. Just the threat of making your partner wear one can have a profound impact. Many Dom/me’s use sexual deprivation as punishment. This is a great opportunity to expand your BDSM palette.
Don’t forget rewards. This one is easy to overlook. Piercings, tattoos and BDSM jewelry might work perfectly, depending on your relationship. And, if you expand your reward criteria to the non-BDSM world, you will have no trouble rewarding your sub for her excellent behavior.
Don’t call it a comeback! (Thanks, LL!) Don’t forget to include the most basic aspects of play when you are scening. It might seem obvious, but – even at the risk of looking foolish – go over safe words, safe signals and do not forget aftercare! Better to look foolish than be foolish.

Read our archives. There are tons of great articles archived here on Kink Weekly! Not only can you be a more effective Dom/me or sub with additional knowledge, but you can short-circuit the time needed to get back into top form.

This pandemic has had widespread affects on just about every field of endeavor – from chess to BDSM play. But think of it as an opportunity. Since one key to our lifestyle is inventiveness, use this chance to be…inventive!!!

BDSM Virgin Rapture

June 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Occasionally I get questions about the BDSM world I am not familiar with. Usually, I have at least read about the basis of the query; it is rare that I have never even heard anything about that issue. Going through my files (I am still using my stored questions until our community returns to normal – which should be soon) I came across this term – “virgin rapture” – with which I am totally unfamiliar with. So here goes:

Reader: I’d like you to address what I’ve heard referred to as “virgin rapture.” It’s defined in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns as: “A period of time wherein a newcomer is so overwhelmed by BDSM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality.” I remember having these feelings and becoming quite confused and depressed when those feelings died Is this normal?

“New!” You hear this word in just about every ad on TV. The “new and improved” Dyson vacuum cleaner is touted on every other infomercial. New and improved? It’s really just another vacuum cleaner. But occasionally something touted as “new” is really fresh and not just ad-speak. For example, the iPhone was truly innovative. HDTV was so revolutionary that I even went out and bought one! And, finally, “new” BDSM. If groundbreaking audio or video hardware can get your juices flowing, imagine the effect of a radically new “sex and play” system! I would guess that everybody who first gets into BDSM has been blown away by it. In my case, I got so excited, I even started writing about it. Talk about “virgin BDSM rapture!” So “virgin rapture” is quite real and nothing unusual.

There are two problems that you allude to in your question. The first is that you feel worried about returning to any other “non-BDSM form of sexuality,” as you put it, once the feeling dies. If this is your primary dilemma, it is no predicament at all. (Unless you have a spouse or partner who is not into joining you on your BDSM journey; but that is another topic entirely.) There is no rule around here that says, “You cannot practice any other form of sexuality.” If you have no need for any other forms of sexuality, so be it. You should not feel guilty about any play choice, so long as it is between consenting adults. If you only want BDSM, only do BDSM. If you want to add vanilla into your BDSM play to spice it up, go for it. There are no rules here other than consent and age legalities.

The second, and more common, problem of “virgin rapture” is the troubles that emerge when the newness and novelty of BDSM wear off and boredom sets in. This often happens sometime after you lose your BDSM virginity. This can occur within months, but often it takes years. That boredom can occur in our BDSM lifestyle, at first glance, would appear unlikely. After all, there are so many ways to play; it seems that you will never run out of exciting things to do. Wrong! This problem is not confined to BDSM; it is universal. The problem with anything new is that, by definition, it ultimately becomes old. Many people, when the BDSM becomes boring, blame it on BDSM. But, it is really just the fault of the new becoming, as it inevitably will, old. What to do? There are two suggestions I can offer.

I recommend going through the kink weekly archives where you will find tons of play ideas. Here you can find a list of “new” things to do. For example – https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/bdsm-ideas-nipple-play-clamps-clips-suction is but one article that will give you ideas for fresh play. You might not be able to recreate “virgin rapture,” but you can find many activities that fall into the “new and exciting” category.

Another way to go is to look over your diaries. If you keep BDSM diaries – and I always suggest that the Dom request the sub to keep diaries, even if only from time-to-time – you can see what you did, play-wise and Ds-wise, when you were in the “virgin rapture” phase. Try and duplicate the play and the mindset that you have annotated in those diaries. Even without a diary, you can try to recreate early BDSM scenes from memory.

Between new play ideas and your BDSM diaries, you will be able to evoke the “virgin rapture” period of your BDSM life. Factoring in the experience you have gained through your BDSM journey, you might even find that, even after our forced boredom of covid quarantine, “virgin rapture, part two” can even be better than “virgin rapture, part one!”

Intro To Poly Play

May 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

bdsm leather submissive collar — via stock.adobe.com

Finally, with the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel beginning to break through, I am starting to get emails that seem to be assuming the end of this “Crazy-Covid” year. As many of us were in some form of “quarantine” at home, those questions that I have gotten were, naturally, relationship-based queries. After all, play questions tend to be technical and usually revolve around “how do I prevent my BDSM skills from eroding?’ I have addressed those issues in previous articles; this week’s question is one I found rather unique in that it combined light play, switching, fantasies, age play, threesomes and a variant of the “Seven Year Itch.” You might call this the question of questions.. So here it is, in all its “kitchen sink” glory.

Reader: My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise. We’re practicing BDSMers who rarely play in public. I’m usually Dom; she usually sub. We sometimes Switch. Lately, she’s become attracted to younger women, and wishes to explore play with them as a Domme. She insists that I be present and at least observe, if not participate as the head Dom. Though this is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine. Is this getting too complicated? Are we leading ourselves into a relationship trap? Help!

The key to your relationship lies in your statement, “My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise.” And, by your question, it seems you wish to avoid situations that might jeopardize this foundation; obviously you have observed that threesomes – no matter what you call them – are really hard to maintain. And that is an understatement. It might be easier to juggle nitroglycerin that to have a solid, long term “extended family” let alone not ruin the original “smaller” family. That said, if you are going to attempt it – I have attempted it many times so I know whereof I speak – let’s see how you can expand your boundaries without putting your relationship at risk.

The “relationship trap” you refer to is, more than likely, that of a third person entering your relationship and ruining it. If I had a bitcoin for every D/s relationship that hit a snag because a third person upset the apple cart – either by opening up feelings of mistrust and jealousy, or by stealing the other person’s affections – I would be a very rich man. So, your apprehension – even in the context of a secure, trusting relationship — is not unfounded. So, how you do you protect yourself against such an outcome?

No matter what, you have to accept that inviting a third person into your relationship entails a certain amount of risk, no matter how small. Much like skydiving, some danger is clearly the price of admission for your thrills. That said, your aim should not be eliminating risk, but rather minimizing it. And, as the concerned one, it comes down to you to be the “gatekeeper” and not allow any person to jeopardize your relationship.

The first thing you must do is to carefully scrutinize any potential play partner. I always suggest an extensive vanilla meeting before you play; this will give you a sense of what the other person is all about – especially since that person appears significantly younger.. What are her aims? Is she looking for her own Domme or is she really just desirous of play? Using a vanilla term, is she a “home wrecker?” You can never absolutely know a person’s true desires (thus, there is always risk…the skydiving principle, ya know!), but you can get a good sense of her game plan with a probing interview. You must also make your rules (be the Dom!) crystal clear to any play partner you are interested in. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that any emotional incursion into your relationship will end it right then and there. You should not forget to discuss your personal limits with your partner; the most important of these being that you can call the whole thing off any time you want.

Once play begins, you must always look for signs of any bonding that goes beyond simple play. Obviously, you can never control the human heart. But if you see any danger signs, it is better to be safe than sorry and get rid of that play partner. This might seem a bit harsh, but play partners can be replaced far more easily than life partners. And as the Mafia Don in Casino counseled, “Why take a chance?”

Finally, you state, “Though this (having a second woman) is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine.” I have always said that BDSM should be fun; it should not be like cleaning the Aegean stables. If you find this aspect of your relationship hard to take (although I cannot imagine why; but I am a male and I too love the two girl fantasy!), you should talk it over with your partner. Maybe, play only occasionally. Or, limit the actual play that takes place. And sex — which tends to bring out the most emotional of feelings — does not have to be included in your scenes.

No matter how you approach it, never lose sight of the fact that your relationship always comes first. Weighing the risks against the gain is always a consideration that should not be far from your mind when trying to keep your relationship moving forward – and moving forward safely!

Piercings

May 6, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Before I get to the BDSM question, I would like to take a little time to answer the one question I have gotten ad infinitum: “How did you come up with that BaadMaster name you use?” Of times they insert a colorful descriptive into the question such as “lousy, awful, dumb, idiotic.” I have heard them all, so it is time to explain the unexplainable. Quickly stated, I moved to California at the beginning of the Internet-based BDSM world. As AOL chatrooms ruled the day (thus I still maintain, as an homage, my baadmaster@aol.com email addy), it seemed that every self described Dom’s handle was some variant of the following: GoodMaster, WiseMaster, GreatMaster, etc. I, being a lifetime member of the Contrarians (there is no such organization), I did just the opposite – I chose BaadMaster. (I should have chosen Sir Osis!) Over time the name became so integrated into the community, it was too late to change my baad name! And there you have it. Now on to the regular part of our program.

Reader: When a guy gets an Apadravya piercing, or any of the “extreme” piercings, how does it affect urination? Do these piercings have other effects to be concerned about? Are these concerns the same for female piercings?

For starters, let’s explain what an Apadravya is. It is the generic name for piercings that increase the size of penis during intercourse, primarily to satisfy the partner. This would also include the Prince Albert. Of course, when piercing the penis, there are more concerns than the run of the mill earlobe piercing.

So here is my advice: “Find a piercer whom you trust.” Although this is great advice, it is easier said than done. One of the things that concerns me about piercings is that the more popular they become, the harder it is to find a good piercer. This sounds like an oxymoron; so let me explain. A few brief years ago, before the current piercing rage, there was a network of people who could steer you to the best and — more often than not — the only good piercer in town. Now, with a piercing/tattoo parlor on just about every street corner, how can you choose? And with everybody pierced by a different piercer (the result of so many piercing venues), how can you choose a good one if you are new to this?

Unless you know of a piercer whose work you can verify by personal references, I recommend you select a member of the Association of Professional Piercers to do the piercing. They have an awesome website (http://www.safepiercing.org ) which provides information and a list of approved, member piercers. Piercing is not to be attempted by a beginner. This group not only has professional criteria for their members, but they also have set minimum jewelry standards, too. This is critical because piercings done with the wrong metals can contribute to infections or improper and/or unaesthetic healing. Keep in mind, urination will only be a problem if your piercing is done improperly.

APP Minimum Jewelry Standards
Jewelry placed in new piercings must be made of one of the following metals:

Surgical Implant Stainless Steel CrNMo 316L or 316LVM ASTM F-138
Surgical Implant Titanium Ti6A4V ELI ASTM F-136
Niobium (Nb)
14 karat or 18 karat solid white or yellow gold
Metal must be free of nicks, scratches, burrs, and polishing compounds
Must have internal tapping (no threads on posts) for 16 gauge and thicker.
Must have rounded ends on rings.
Threads 1.2 mm for 14 gauge and 12 gauge; .080 for 10 gauge.

When choosing a piercer, make sure he follows these standards with respect to the jewelry he uses for the piercings. And, at least here in California, they cannot pierce you with your own jewelry. They sterilize the jewelry they sell and shrink wrap it. After it heals, if you want, you can swap out their jewelry for yours.
Danger of infection, hepatitis, and general aesthetic screw-ups are present whenever an amateur does the piercing. I actually witnessed a nipple piercing at a garage at a play party. The garage was pretty filthy. Sure enough, the female submissive’s nipples got infected and she had to remove her piercings. In this case the she was lucky because her nipples healed up perfectly. But this is not always the case when infection occurs. Infected piercings can scar, so sterility – both at the piercer’s studio and in aftercare – is of primary importance. Insist on a general sense of professionalism and sterility in the piercer’s studio. And remember, in this covid world (I guess I had to mention it one more time!), sterility is next to Godliness. If the piercer’s shop looks like Borat and his animals slept there, leave and find another place.
One other common problem is a general sense of frustration with the time it takes for the more exotic piercings to heal. You cannot believe how many people get impatient with their piercings while they are healing. Nipples can sometimes take up to six months to heal; a Prince Albert can take even longer if you are a slow healer and play with yourself a lot!
As with so many BDSM activities, take your time and do it right.

Baadmaster

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