All of us have read, at one time or another, one of those Cosmo “Ten Ways to a Better Relationship” type article. Most times, the tips are rehashed advice you have heard ten thousand times before. But once in a while, there is a tip that gives you a technique you might never have thought of in a million years – one that really helps your relationship. (At least until the next issue of Cosmo!)
It is in this tradition of pop magazine instant-insights that I am offering my “Top Ten BDSM Tips” for those in a BDSM relationship. I am sure most of them will not apply to you – especially if your relationship is brand spanking new! But, if even one of these tips helps, this Kink Weekly exclusive was worth writing.
1. Have a BDSM tune-up every six months. If cars can have a tune-up, why not BDSM relationships? Have your submissive make a list of ten activities he/she has done in order of preference. Then he/she should write a BDSM “wish list” of ten activities he/she hasn’t done but wants to do. These two lists should give you plenty of inspiration (and a bit of a reality check, too!) for play that will turn the both of you on. At least until your next “tune-up.” Any risk of “topping from the bottom” is negated by keeping your relationship fresh and exciting.
2. Repeat your first major BDSM scene. Remember your first special BDSM scene with your partner? By re-doing your most memorable early scene, you will be able to see how far you have progressed. BDSM is one activity that can get better with age and experience. This exercise will prove it to you!
3. Learn the fine art of hinting. As a submissive, learn the subtle art of hinting. “I really liked that cock-and-ball torture demo we saw.” Remember, it’s always better to be slightly Toppy than bored!
4. Re-read your slave contract. Most lifestylers I know simply file away their slave contract in a drawer next to the Best Buy receipts. Both of you should read it regularly. You might be amazed how much you have let slide in your relationship.
5. Buy new toys regularly. Add a new toy to your play and watch your BDSM scening become much more exciting. (This tip really sounds Cosmo-ish!) And the toys needn’t only come from the Dom. Submissives, surprise your Dominant with a new toy. Any “Topping from the bottom” issues disappear when gifts are concerned!
6. Write diaries. Make sure your submissive writes a regular diary. There is no better way for a Dominant to learn about his/her submissive.
7. Read the diaries. Read your slave’s diaries from time to time. Much like the slave contract, a diary gives you insight into your slave and a sense of where your relationship was and where it is going. Relationships don’t run on auto-Dom/Domme. This is a great way to understand your relationship from the submissive’s point of view and make the necessary corrections.
8. Learn a new BDSM technique. As a Dom, learn mummification for example. A new scening skill is the best antidote for boredom!
9. Go to a play party. This tip is for those of you who have never been to a play party. Since you do not have to scene if you don’t want to (voyeurism is an accepted BDSM practice), a play party is the ideal place to get new scening ideas.
10. Make a BDSM checklist. This is for the Dom/Dommes. Make a check list of all the scenes and activities you have done with your submissive since you met. Mark them from one-to-ten. Surprise – I bet you will re-discover “nines and tens” that you forgot about. Revisit them. These are the activities that will really get your juices flowing. (Start with a Cosmo phrase, end with a Cosmo phrase!)
I think that these tips will help you get around any obstacle – be it boredom, lack of new ideas or just plain laziness – that can threaten any relationship.
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.