Baron Von Aaron

Neurodiversity In Kink

February 7, 2021 By Baron Von Aaron 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded — via stock.adobe.com

It turns out that kink isn’t just a haven for those who think differently, it’s actually a healthy outlet for those whose brains work differently.

Spend any time around a dungeon or kink event and the first thing you will notice is the hugely diverse representation in many spaces. As BDSM, and Kink as a wider subculture, grows in popularity as a place where people who might not find their identity elsewhere to create a niche for themselves, we have invariably seen a lot of neurodiversity grow within the BDSM subculture, especially as more neurodivergent people find BDSM and the social elements of their communities to be valuable networks for support.

What is Neurodiversity?

If you’re new to the Neurodiversity conversation, then perhaps some of the terms used will be a bit confusing. They sound like something from a young adult sci-fi novel, and many of them do come from that same place. To make things simple, neurodiversity is the idea that our brains all work in different ways. This doesn’t make any specific way right or wrong, nor does it place value on any specific neurological makeup. It just recognizes that what you might think of as “Normal” is only one of many ways to do things.

Within Neurodiversity, there are two categories: Neurodivergent and Neurotypical. These words describe a person’s position within neurodiversity. A neurotypical person has a brain that one might say works in the ways that society expects them to. They go about their day with no real significant challenges that one might expect to face no matter what. A neurodivergent person, however, has a brain that works differently and, as the neurotypical folks make up a majority of the world, may struggle with certain aspects of life based on their ability to adapt to expectations.

Examples of neurodivergence make up several different social, attention, and mood disorders; conditions like ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Executive Function Disorders, Autism, CPTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, etc. These conditions have been seen as lifelong illnesses, but many within the neurodiversity community use terms like neurodiversity to de-pathologize these disorders, recognizing that, while some may need higher levels of support than others, it is better to fit these disorders under a social model for disability rather than a pathological disorder intended to be treated and possibly cured.

Neurodivergence in Kink

All activism related talk aside, though, neurodiversity is at the core of the BDSM subculture, and local kink communities draw in many neurodivergent people for varying reasons. I myself am an autistic adult and I suffer from several complex trauma processes, and I find a lot of fulfillment in the community.

The reasons behind why many neurodivergent people might find their local dungeon or BDSM munch to be a welcome haven are as varied as the needs of each person are. Each one of us has our own experience which dictates how we interact with the world around us.

We ND (short for Neurodivergent) folks do often have similar shared struggles, such as:

• Difficulty with changing routines or expectations

• Trouble reading or trusting social cues and coding

• A hard time processing complex or overly simple sensory input

• Hard time responding to unclear communication or shifting focus

• Difficulty with or a deep reliance on nuance or grey areas

The level and ways each person struggles will be unique to the individual and circumstances, and many neurodivergent people do an excellent job at working with these struggles to still maintain what might be considered the label of “High functioning”, or capable of functioning in a world that relies heavily upon and often demands a certain skill set in these areas.

Because of this, the world of Kink draws in many neurodivergent people. The reasons for this stem from two distinct realities for most neurodivergent people. Firstly, many of us see the world in a way that neurotypical people might not. Both because of our differing brains and the lived experience that comes with that, we tend to see things from our own unique perspective, and the freedom in exploration that kink provides us can be a wonderful space for us to live in.

The second reason is, as we work in our daily lives to overcome some of the expectations that are placed on us, the BDSM and Kink worlds offer us an environment with certain amounts of stability in expectations, outcomes, and roles. Communication and personal expression are an important part of Kink, and because of this, it gives us a great space to thrive.

You will often see neurodivergent people actively participating in our local communities because of this, whether it’s by leading, volunteering, teaching, helping others, or building a community structure. These activities allow us not only to fit in within the cultural context, but also allow us to thrive in our roles because of our unique talents and skills. Many of us have a unique heart for bringing in others, making people feel welcome, and want to build a safe place for people like ourselves, so we tend to dive in.

It also is an easy place for us to feel part of things. Many of us struggle in one way or another with standard social expectations. Whether that is due to trouble making new connections, struggles with shifting social hierarchy struggles with forms of executive function, the desire to be social without the energy to engage socially, there are a number of ways that being part of a bigger movement can help.

Communicating with Neurodivergent People and Partners

One key area where Neurodivergent people struggle is with communication. Now many of us are amazing communicators. We teach and speak and write, and many of the most interesting voices in our subculture today are ND. We aren’t incapable of communicating by any means.

On the contrary, we are typically eager to communicate and connect. However, many people are not taught to understand the ways we communicate (a great example is the perceptions around non-speaking autistic people, many of whom are poets, writers, and filmmakers who create amazing works), which leaves many neurodivergent people at a social disadvantage from the get-go. This can be incredibly frustrating, especially in a culture where relationships and interaction are the key driving force.

Neurodiverse people tend to communicate with the idea that we are used to being misunderstood. We are often either overly focused on details, or dismiss them outright. We may interpret subtext or social cues differently or sometimes not at all. We may have expectations attached to certain words or ideas that may differ from yours. It’s important to understand that we do communicate, just in our own ways.

Within the context of kink, this is something of a benefit as we exist in a world where we are encouraged to communicate. We are given the chance to negotiate expectations, to create understandings, and to build both our own styles of communication and social interaction. Give us space to do this, and then respect it.

It is important to us that you are clear and consistent when communicating things like boundaries, expectations, and experience. Be direct and open with us, as we’ll do the same with you. Give us space to ask what you might think are obvious questions, and you do the same, especially when it comes to things like negotiating dynamics or play.

Use inclusive language. Don’t just tell us what’s not on the table (Trust us, many of us have been building “No” lists in our heads for ages). Tell us what you DO want and DO like. Give us a direction as well. Don’t just say “Stay off the grass”, but also say “Go ahead and wander the garden path!”

And know that we are often anxious about communicating expectations. We’ll probably over-state and overthink because we know that typically we are at a deficit in them. Give us the space to make mistakes and when they happen, accept them as they are. You’d be surprised how often neurodivergent people face unfair responses and arbitrary feeling consequences for simply being who we are, mistakes and all is going to help us feel more comfortable continuing with you.

Some Final Thoughts

The neurodiversity of the kink world is one of its biggest strengths, and as we grow towards a better understanding of things like neurodiversity, accessibility, and how we can create a more equitable and egalitarian world overall, we should take it as a chance to also improve our understanding of neurodiversity within our own subculture, and in our own communities. As mental health comes to a better understanding of how our minds and bodies work together, so are many members of our own community gaining more insights into themselves and their own needs and desires. We should continue to grow and understand how these things have played into our kink world, and how they can continue to play a role throughout all of our activities and goings-on.

Aaron is a kinkster, writer, Viking, and Curling fan with over a decade worth of experience. He enjoys sharing the knowledge and insights he has gained over his own journey. Follow him on Twitter @BaronKink

Making A Scene

May 14, 2018 By Baron Von Aaron 8 Comments

There are few things in the BDSM world that are better than a great scene. Whether it’s a long, winding Sadomasochism session, a freaky role play, or a good old rough romp, great scenes are one of the best parts about being kinky for many of us.

We should start by talking about what a scene is. A scene generally is a period of time which you (usually with a partner or partners) create a space dedicated to practicing the activities that make you kinky in the first place, with the desired outcome of reaching some form of climax or satisfaction. That last part is the key element in what separates it from, say, a kinky activity or a bit of light play.

It should be noted that there are a number of other names for these shared experiences, like a Session or a Playtime, and there are some great discussions about what they should be called. For the sake of this piece, though, I’m going with Scene. I like the word Scene because it gives a better idea of what the whole experience should be like. It should be like a performance, a work of art, and it should tell a story.

For the sake of clarity, I don’t mean it should start with “Once upon a time” and end “Happily ever after”. What I mean is it should flow from moment to moment, movement to movement, and take us on some kind of journey together. This is something I’ve implemented in my play, whether it’s an intimate moment between myself and my partner or a performance in front of a crowd of people on a stage.

So let’s talk about how to build and pull off a great scene.

Communicate Roles and Story Clearly

To tell a good story, you need a character, a motivation, and a journey. When we play out a scene, we need the same thing. All parties need to know what their roles are, what drives them in the scene, and where they are going. This is an essential part of a negotiation that takes it from a conversation about implements and pain tolerance and transforms it into a collaborative effort to build an experience together.

One thing I almost always ask when negotiating a scene is “What would you like to get from this scene?” As a bottom, this gives me a valuable understanding of how to best fulfill my partner’s needs. As a top, this also gives me an idea of the “Genre” of the scene. It tells me where the other person wants the scene to go, and that tells me a lot about how to get there as we craft the scene together.

Know how to begin

Any good story has a Beginning, and Middle, and an End. I think most of us know how to do the middle part of the scene pretty well, as that’s the part that people tend to focus on. The beginning is important too, though. Like a story, the beginning of a scene should focus on establishing the roles, the tone, the theme, and the direction. Once you have established with your partner(s) what your story is, work with them to get that story going in a way that lets you both (or all) really get into it.

One thing I like to do when topping with a new partner is to begin a scene with a lot of touch and quiet eye contact. I make slow and deliberate movements. I feel the parts of their body that might be involved in the scene or quietly talk about what is about to occur. What happens in this time all depends on what the coming scene will be. However, it always contains a few minutes of connection and focus to establish the rapport and what I’ll call the “Dialogue” of the scene (after all, isn’t most of what we do just a form of communication?). During this time,

I am setting the scene up, giving us both a chance to get into the right headspace to get into it.

Buy into the drama of your scene

Imagine watching a horror movie where all the actors seemed like they were too busy trying to be cool or to seem above it all to buy into the fact that some monster or alien or masked killer is coming after them. What gives us the chills and makes us scream is their ability to buy into the fear and uncertainty their character is meant to convey. You want to do the same thing when you are getting into your scene. Whatever your role is- a super strict Dominant, or a wanton masochist, or a petulant brat-let yourself get into it. Let yourself buy into your role.

This can be especially hard when you are playing in a public space. You might feel a little silly barking like a puppy in front of people, or calling someone a “Boot slut” and scowling. That’s totally normal for many people who are new. One piece of advice that I got during Drama class has stuck with me in my BDSM journey; “Play your scene TO the audience, but play it FOR your partner.” It can be fun to get on-lookers into it, but in the end remember that you are here for the other person(s), and let that drive you to really express yourself.

Don’t take yourself too seriously though

We see actors struggle with this all the time. When they can’t laugh off a flubbed line, or take a minute to be themselves, they get so far into character that they can’t seem to break it. They often become a burden to those around them, going on abusive rants like Christian Bale in Terminator, or terrorizing castmates like Jared Leto in Suicide Squad.

We should recognize this in our own scenes, too. What we do is very real, but it’s also not at the same time. In reality, I’m not really a pillaging Viking, I don’t fit the clinical definition of a “Sexual Sadist,” and just because someone calls me Daddy doesn’t mean I am their parent. In many ways, what we do subverts reality by giving us the space to express aspects of ourselves that need a place to live and breathe. Many of us take it very seriously to varying levels, of course, but allowing yourself space to not take things too seriously is important. Stay grounded. Laugh when you need to. Preserve the magic, but respect the reality.

Use foreshadowing

Few things in a story are better than payoffs, and a good payoff is built around a healthy and reasonable dose of foreshadowing. Whether it’s laying out all the toys for the scene before you even start, or it’s giving the crop a good smack against a nearby surface to send chills, or making a comment about their feet moving around too much several minutes before doing a little consensual bondage mid-scene, use foreshadowing to build the tension a little and make those payoffs even better.

For example, one thing I have enjoyed doing is teasing out a certain toy. I’ll bring it out with a partner as we negotiate and mention how much I love it (it’s a 12 inch piece of high-temp pressure hose), and tell them it’s name (“Shia LeBouf” because I feel that no one else really appreciates it like I do, but it always puts in good work). Throughout the scene, without using it, I mention how much I love Shia. Every time I go to find another toy, I will hold it up or talk about it. Or maybe I’ll smack it against my hand and talk about how it feels.It builds the tension, and makes them wonder when Shia will make an appearance. Then, when I feel like it, I’ll bring that toy in and reward their patience. This gives the scene not only a sense of tension, but also intention, which drives it towards a payoff that can really give the scene a lot of energy.

Give your scene some twists and turns

Have you ever listened to a song that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, with no buildup or hooks, nothing to keep you going, so you tune out after like 40 seconds? A scene can end up like this if you don’t know how to maintain the drama. Now, I don’t mean Drama like the social kind. I mean having tension, movement, twists, and breaks. As you negotiate and play, give your scene a rhythm. Then let that rhythm move and flow. Give it build ups and let downs. This may seem like it applies mostly to tops, but bottoms can also play a role as well.

This doesn’t have to be a complicated, Shyamalan-level twist. It can be as simple as knowing when to take it slower or when to build intensity. This is as much about playing with the mind as it is about playing with the body. One favorite of mine is when a partner and I have decided and negotiated to push the scene until they are nearing their threshold for pain. When it’s clear to both of us that we may need to stop soon, I will ask them for “Just one more strike, okay?”, giving them a chance to get up their nerve. Then I will line up my shot, making them count down from 3 to 1 so “I know when to go” (insert ironic tone for effect). When they get to the last number, instead of striking them, I’ll strike my own hand or a nearby surface causing a loud noise. This often leads to a lot of cursing and name-calling, but it can be a very effective twist on an intense moment.

Don’t be afraid to improvise

I want to be very clear with this one; I do not recommend or condone improvising in a way that violates negotiation or consent of the other party (or parties).

There are ways, though, that you can improvise while maintaining respect for the boundaries and expectations of your partner. This is a lot like stage improv. When you perform any kind of improvisation on stage, there is a concept called “Yes, and…”, meaning you support and affirm your partner, and then add something of your own to carry on the scene. You also have an established setting and “rules” you follow. You and your partner work together within those boundaries to keep a scene moving.

Kink is the same way. You can work together to improvise through a BDSM scene too. This comes up a lot in rope, actually, as many ties are difficult to execute, or hard on the bottom. If you become too committed to a specific rig or harness, it can end up making a scene much more frustrating, which makes the whole experience worse as a result..

Instead of getting stuck, or frustrated, allow yourself a break from the private commitment you’ve made to yourself in a scene and instead focus on working with your partner to improvise a way to keep the scene going. If you need to redirect or change pace within the boundaries of your negotiated scene, you should give yourself the space to do so. Again, I want to reiterate that this is not permission to change consent mid-scene, nor am I recommending violating your negotiated agreement. This is about the conversation between the Top(s) and bottom(s) taking on the cooperative “Yes, and…” nature of improvisation, trying to walk organically through a scene together.

Know how to end

Much like Beginnings, people often struggle with endings. They either treat it like a workout and just do a little cooldown, jumping right into aftercare, or perhaps just ending it outright without much notice. This can be jarring and unnerving (Imagine if Star Wars just ended with the explosion of the Death Star. Boom, explosion, and roll credits).

Plan the end of your scene before it comes. This is, again, one mostly for the tops. Know when you are hitting the Third Act, where the climax should go, and how you should wind down from that. An important part of this is to know when enough is enough.

A common problem with scene endings I come across is people who keep wanting to push for more when more is untenable. A lot of times, a scene will need to end before we are prepared for it, which can be disturbing and/or unsatisfying. With this being said, it’s important to see the end coming before it’s there, and act accordingly with the everyone’s best interest in mind. I like to include a conversation in the scene at some point where I will my partner(s) to self-assess where they are at, or give them a clear indicator that I am going to be wrapping up. This may be on the nose for some, but for me it’s a simple way to signify the shift in tone that comes with ending a scene.

For many, having great scenes won’t just happen without putting in a little bit of work. Anyone can have amazing playtimes if they are willing to put in the practice, though. Remember that, ultimately, a good scene is about everyone having a wonderful time, feeling satisfied, and wanting to do it again because it was that awesome. Pain, humiliation, service, and control are all ways of expressing ourselves and communicating with each other. Like any language, you can learn how to speak it in a way that excites people. Keep that in mind as you work on your scenes and you’ll do great.

By: Baron Von Aaron

Orgasm Control, Teasing and Denial.

March 5, 2018 By Baron Von Aaron 6 Comments

Over the last decade or so, the concept of orgasm control has become ubiquitous in Kink. It has been a staple of the Femdom/malesub world and has become more and more prevalent in other relationship dynamics too. Maybe it is something that you have played with at some point, even only in fantasy. It is a perfect case of masochism, of blissful anguish and exquisite torment.

For the uninitiated out there, Orgasm Control or Denial is a broad term for the form of power exchange dynamic wherein a person has an aspect of their sexual pleasure and satisfaction controlled by another, usually a Dominant. It’s a beautiful blend of sadistic delight and extreme arousal that is also a very intimate and often experience altering exchange. Doing it well can be a challenge, a fact many find out the hard way, and that often leads to either frustrated expectations or discouragement from further exploration.

Never fear, though, as this is one of my most favorite forms of play since I started my kinky journey about 15 years ago. When I started, I was a virgin but I didn’t want to be THAT virgin, so I focused on the one thing I knew women were most concerned with during sex: their orgasms. I listened and learned all that I could about arousal and climax, and over the years I’ve developed a particular talent for being joyously hated for the frustration that can occur in the right circumstances, and I have a few tips that will help you be a denial deity.

Remember, this is about fun!

At the end of the day, even the most terrible denial experience should be a positive one. With so many emotions and thoughts to deal with, from frustration to desire, it can be easy for things to go negative for one or both parties, so always remember that everyone is having fun or NO ONE is having fun.

Every experience is different

The number of times I have heard someone claim “I can make anyone cum, I’ve made everyone else I’ve been with cum” makes me laugh a little bit. The same can be said about any form of the opposite. Not everyone is going to find a way to enjoy denial. Some people thrive on it. Most people are in some kind of spectrum in between. Just because what you did worked with your last partner, doesn’t mean it’s gonna be the same for this one.

Orgasm control and Denial can be disruptive

For those in control, orgasm control or denial is a fun distraction during out day and a really great thought to get off to (tell them when you do, they love/hate it). For those who experience it, though, it can be a big disruption. For many, autoerotic gratification is a healthy self-care mechanism or a coping technique. At the very least, it’s somewhere on part with a glass of wine or a nice joint for unwinding from the day. When you remove this, it can have a deep impact on coping, and there will be a need to replace that outlet with others. Be sure you are listening to that.

Know how to communicate

Communication is always key, especially in power exchange, but it’s especially key here. In some sense, sexual desire is emotional, intimate, and intense. It can be personally so, as in those times you just needed a good fucking, or it can be relational, like that one magical night with a special someone that you can always remember. Either way, lots of feelings are flying around and knowing how to handle them is important. Know when to be playful, when to be honest, when to be concerned, and when to just listen. Sometimes your partner will be frustrated and upset about the fact that they can’t get off now, but all they really want is to yell at you for making them do this thing so they can go back to enjoying it. Or maybe your partner really is struggling and needs your sympathy. You won’t know until you engage.

Preserve the magic but engage reality

The best advice I ever got is that someone who is sexually frustrated from denial will be able to make it VERY clear when they are done, you just have to listen. For many, orgasm control or denial play can be part of an ongoing little fantasy that you want preserved. You may beg and plead to be given some relief but deep down, you really want to be told no, or to be reminded of the power someone has. You may also be actually upset and, especially in this day of written communication, your partner may have a hard time knowing what you want.

Here is a little tip, something I use in my play. When we start, I make it very clear that this is something that is always optional, and that we do only as far as we mutually consent to. This is important to create a foundation to build the fantasy on. As we go along, I reinforce that this is something we both agree upon and that we are both choosing to do. I do this because it’s easy to get lost in the fantasy that you don’t control your orgasms, and being reminded that you are IN a fantasy helps. When we reach a possible breaking point, I take a small step back. I don’t totally break, just slow down, so we don’t have a shock moment. Then we talk.

One great little tip: During these conversations, assuming my partner does not seem in need of care, I employ what I call, tongue firmly in cheek, “Playful Passive Aggressive” tones. I say “Well, you can always stop this if you truly prefer it, but I’d really prefer it if we didn’t”, or something of the sort. This way I place the choice of preserving the fantasy or saying that they are done firmly in the court of my partner. I am not asking “Do you need to stop” directly, in case they want the fantasy in tact, but I also don’t push the fantasy on them if it’s not something they are enjoying.

Even in denial, a partner won’t always be horny

There is a misconception that if you fill someone up with desire, that they will just get so full they will always be turned on. That’s not really how it works, though. The human body is meant to find homeostasis, to adapt to conditions, so as hormonal levels change, your partner may actually get less horny overall, or they may be turned off entirely. Most people spend long periods not turned on at all, only to find it rushing back with a suggestive pic or a sexy text. That leads to the next point:

Keep things going

If you remove the ability of someone to find satisfaction you will likely need to find other ways to keep that sense of sexual intimacy and excitement alive. Pure, unadulterated frustration gets old after a while and it can lead to resentment or distraction. We don’t want that. We also don’t want a constant buzzing that leaves us feeling overstimulated and ready to burst. So knowing how to balance sexual engagement (believe me, no matter how much it sucks to be denied, most people still love to be touched and feel pleasure from their partner) is key to maintaining the mutual enjoyment of denial or control.

Control doesn’t mean No always.

Denial may be all about refusal, but control in and of itself is the power to choose, not just to choose no. You can say yes, and in many cases a yes is probably better than a no. Orgasm control can be a wonderful way to really enjoy the connection and shared pleasure, as well as to ease that little driving urge we all have to please our partner, especially if you say yes. So say yes, and go even further. Tell them how. Make it a reward for a task. Remind them that you are in control enough to not only say no, but to say yes. Trust me, you’ll thank me for this one.

All in all, orgasm and pleasure play can be a wonderful time for both parties. Sexual desire and gratification is far more than a polarized binary. It’s more of a landscape with many areas to go into, but first you need to know how to travel. So before you dive in with a partner, know your way around their pleasure and yours, and really make sure you understand the Yes before you dive into the No.