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Taking Impact Beyond 101

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One of the photographs of the human body with colors blocked out all over it has been making the rounds among my local community again.  It suggests that it can specify safe zones for impact.

While a couple of assumptions must be made to make those charts accurate, such as assuming first a lightweight flogger is the only impact implement being used, as well as assuming every body responds the same way to that stimuli, I get that all of the people who have made them probably have the noble intentions of educating newcomers.  Unfortunately for their good intentions, I strongly disagree with the concept of a chart on principle.

For starters, let’s just talk about a body part I universally saw as “green,” or totally safe for impact, on the many charts Google fetched me:  the forearm.  Sure, it’s a “green” zone if we’re talking lightweight flogger, but what if we up the weight of that flogger to around four pounds and make it out of bullhide?  Are you still as comfortable calling that a definite “green” zone?  What if we stop assuming floggers at all and swap out for a bat?  After all, those charts just specify impact safe zones, not the tool being used.  We still good to go for an impact session with a bat on a forearm?

Immediately, we all see the weaknesses of trying to set a universal standard of what is okay for a given implement without taking the time to learn it specifically.  Instead of trying to create a chart for everything, I’d much rather see us treat impact with the seriousness it deserves, as it can absolutely be edge play.

Start with questions.

What are the characteristics of my particular tool?  Does it have heft or is it light?  Is it rigid or flexible?  A very lightweight and flexible tool, such as a small flogger, is unlikely to be problematic for use as you explore a body with it.  Moving up from the buttocks and thighs, other than kidneys and face, there aren’t many places that will be off limits, particularly when using it lightly.  In contrast, even a small rigid tool, such as a mallet-type implement, could be dangerous if used on the spinal column, over the shoulder blades, or on other areas where bones connect or are closer to the surface:  knees, elbows, shoulder blades, even hipbones.  

If it wraps a torso, leg, or other body part, will it speed up and create a secondary impact point of greater intensity? Anything with flex has the potential to create a “wrapping” effect as it turns a corner around the body.  The speed of the implement is greatly impacted by that motion.  Some people stand on a principle that one should never wrap when using such implements.  Other Sadists I know use that technique to make sure they get some chest or breast hits in even if working from behind.  It is definitely a more advanced skill, and one that should be practiced on a pillow or other target prior to attempting it on a partner.

Is my tool going to spread the impact over a larger area, or will it be concentrated on a focused point?  Concentrated impact is often going to result in stingy sensation.  Whips, canes, and dragon tails are excellent examples of those types of implements.  In contrast, a large padded bat is going to spread out that force.  The larger the area of impact is, the less precision there can truly be.  You are going to hit across a larger area simply due to the nature of the object.  If you are impacting a spot the size of a dime, you’re going to have an easier time making sure you focus on specific spots.  Make sure to evaluate each one for its potential to damage if used on the ass, the thighs, or the upper shoulders individually.  Two similar bats can be constructed differently, create different impact, and thus need different considerations during use.

There is no “one way fits all” in kink.  Impact is no different than the larger framework.  We have to find tools which work for us, and in doing so, we have to make analytical decisions about what will be safe to attempt when using those tools.  Please discuss all risks with your partners prior to beginning, and know that mistakes can happen regardless of being informed about risk.  Please communicate and be conscious of limits with each person you may try impact with. Safety is imperative.

What Is Aftercare?

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As more and more new people join the Kink Community on the edges and middle of the pandemic, the more I realize how little knowledge some are stepping into this world with.  I recently wrote about pain processing in kink.  Today, I want to briefly discuss the aftermath of a scene.

When we say the word scene, generally we are talking about an agreed-upon period of time between two or more people, wherein they perform some negotiated kink experience.  It may be impact, it may be needles, or humiliation, or any one of a number of kinks that people share.

As I discussed in my post on pain, the body of the receiver in this event is likely experiencing some chemical side effects, brought to them courtesy of their brain.  Adrenaline and endorphins are a potent cocktail.  When the activities we engage in trigger those chemical responses, it can be a heady experience.  Often, the person who has experienced them will be slightly euphoric or “spacey” afterwards.  Some people refer to “subspace,” but I prefer more scientific explanations of what is happening.

Because that can be a sensation that feels different for different people, some find it disorienting.  Others feel “loopy” or giggly.  Some will need to come out of that headspace gradually, while others prefer a more abrupt return to reality.  The period of time after the scene has ended is often called aftercare.

Aftercare looks different based on who you ask.  Some people want a blanket and cuddles, some want a stuffie and chocolate.   I want a high five and to be told I was a good girl.  Some take an hour to gradually ease out of that headspace, others want to giggle away in a group of friends.  In some cases, people may prefer that aftercare be administered by someone they didn’t scene with, such as a friend or relationship partner.  It is important to include negotiations for the kind of aftercare you need when you are discussing a scene with a potential partner.

If you don’t know what you need for aftercare because you are newer to this, it may be a part of your journey which requires experimentation.  Ask yourself following a scene what would bring you comfort.  Prepare for many scenarios, such as bringing a favorite comfortable item of clothing to change into, an emotional attachment object, a protein bar, or a sugary snack you enjoy in order to give yourself options when the time comes.

If you are a more experienced kinkster and know that you’ll be having a scene with less experienced players, perhaps consider packing an emergency aftercare bag with some basics in it, in case it is something they aren’t familiar with, or don’t know yet what they need.  It isn’t a terrible idea to have things on hand that help others.  That’s part of why I always carry a mini first aid kit with me to the dungeon, despite it having three available.  My band-aids are cuter.

Please remember, even though there are tops who will hand you off to someone else for aftercare because it isn’t their thing, the important part is finding healthy ways to transition yourself back to life as the chemicals leave the body – and keep these things in mind for the possible drop following after the chemicals break down even further.   What you need is what you need during this process.

Knowledge is power, and by understanding what we need on our kink journeys, we give ourselves an amazing gift.

Pain Processing In Kink

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As some of you who follow me on Fet may have noticed, I recently added two rib tattoos to the markings Santa has gifted me.

They really fucking hurt, by the way.

Interestingly enough, through my conversations with the tattoo artist and subsequent research on tattooing, I learned a lot about my own pain management that was new information.  While I already knew some of this, learning the rest has been a great stepping stone to help me build a more effective pain management routine for days when Santa and I have heavy impact planned.

Some know this one already because I’ve mentioned it or because they have experienced it:  pain can be more intense during certain portions of the menstrual cycle.  For many it is during the actual menstruation while for others it is during ovulation.  Those hormonal changes can make pain less easily tolerated.  For those who may be unaware of this fluxuation, it can be a surprise when they suddenly have difficulty with an experience, not realizing the hormonal factor can be a huge variance.

Sleep matters.  There are times an extended impact session (or other painful experience) can be about relaxing and focusing on an area of the body that is not experiencing pain.  Those techniques are easier to employ when well rested.  As for the focus one, the best way I know to describe it is an almost meditative focus on a comfortable body part.  I will rub my two largest toes together on the foot with the permanent toe ring.  It is a unique sensation and it can help to stop focusing on the part of my body that is hurting.

Stay hydrated.  Hydrated skin tends to be more resilient, and isn’t as easily irritated.  Things like needles or other tools can create redness and skin irritation, and hydrated skin will generally be able to tolerare those things for longer.

Eat a good meal.  I have been guilty of forgetting to eat prior to a scene, and I know some people who don’t eat anything hearty beforehand because they are concerned about appearing bloated or full.  It turns out that not eating is terrible for pain tolerance.  We get endorphin kicks and adrenaline rushes when we dance with pain. Those chemicals use sugars in the blood as fuel.  Without having a reserve, such as carbs or even eating fruit before a scene, the resulting body response can be feeling shaky or weak after handling pain, and subsequent pain will just fucking hurt, because the adrenaline has run out of food to eat.  That will definitely cut a scene short.

Avoid alcohol.  While, sure, there are impaired consent issues here, from a purely practical standpoint, alcohol can increase the body’s sensitivity to pain.  It can also dampen mental acuity and make it more difficult to process the sensations being experienced without becoming overwhelmed or upset.

Use calming breathing techniques or breathing for meditation.  Women have used breathing in childbirth to withstand pain, and similar techniques can help in kink experiences.

Relax, for goodness’ sake.   How many times have we heard that tensing a muscle makes pain more intense?  Work on isolation techniques such as the ones practiced in yoga.  These can be excellent for helping stay in tune with one’s body and remind it to relax.

My routine has changed since I’ve learned all of this.  Obviously, there are things I can’t change, such as my menstrual cycle.  What I can do is choose whether or not to do impact during that time, or choose implements I know I can handle even then.

When I get up the morning we have plans, I eat cereal.  I make sure to have a snack in the afternoon, and eat steak or other protein before we leave the house.   I also pack an apple or some fruit to eat before our scene, to give me that extra bit of sugar for my body to eat up with endorphins.  I also carry protein bars for a quick pick-me-up.  I drink water all day, once we arrive, and afterwards, as well.  I find that by using this routine, I don’t tend to crash afterwards or even really experience much in the way of drop.

Obviously, everyone is different in the way they handle pain.  The thing that doesn’t change is the chemistry behind how our bodies work.  The more we understand about ourselves, the better we can be at taking care of our bodies.  The better care we take of them, the longer we will be able to participate in the kink activities we enjoy. 

Coming Back To The Scene

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For many of us, the past year or so has been a veritable desert in our kink worlds.  Those who had children at home or who live in apartments may have attempted quiet play, if we were in the mood for it, of course, since anxiety isn’t the best aphrodisiac.  Unfortuanately, with many of our kink spaces closing down or choosing to carefuly curate guests lists, there are a lot of people who are finally starting to resume their bdsm play.  I’ve heard a common refrain among them.

Most of the stories are of scenes going poorly, both people expecting to be able to resume their journeys exactly where they left off, only to discover that the top runs low on endurance while the bottom has a much lower tolerance for pain.  Overall, those factors make for an unsatisfactory scene, along with many thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or tough enough to satisfy their partner.  This seems to mostly be the case among more experienced or frequent heavier players that I have spoken to.  Newer or more casual players seem to have had less of an issue in this area.

For those who haven’t experienced this, either count your blessings or consider this a warning in advance. 

We build up tolerance over time, or perhaps a desire to experience that endorphin rush pushes us to greater heights, since our bodies become accustomed to anything we do with any regularity, whether it be working out, getting up early, or even receiving pain.  It makes total sense that the amount of impact or other intense play that someone can take at the beginning of their journey changes over time.  That was certainly the case for me.  We had a regular schedule and were meeting it consistently. 

Of course, that all changed last March.  Without access to our regular dungeon space, we felt less comfortable pushing some of those boundaries.  Additionally, neither of us was really in the mood for BDSM.  In fact, we were rarely in the mood for sexual intimacy, let alone any sort of pain play.  We were stuck in a house with family members stacked on top of one another, with no real safe place to go, plus dealing with anxiety.  Those are hardly the stuff dreams are made of. 

My story isn’t unique.  Many of the friends I have in my local community have expressed similar sentiments.  Their kink play went into hibernation for quite a while during 2020.  Once our local dungeon started opening for private reservations we began attending again, but unless we specifically planned to go in advance and paid for the rental, we would often find reasons to delay. 

In many ways I am quite lucky.  As someone who has done impact education, my partner happens to be well versed in play with newer bottoms.  Our first session back was one without any assumptions.  It had been at least five months since we’d done any serious impact, and he didn’t rush into anything.  He tried out lots of new impact tools we’d been collecting from a Maker friend of ours, including a PuckYou (I’m not a fan, it’s super stingy) and a Jawbreaker (opposite end of the spectrum and almost painfully thuddy).  We had a positive experience, because he was testing my responses to some of the newer gear, rather than expecting me to take impact that he’d been able to give me before.  We were even finally able to really get to try the whips he’d gotten as gifts that were definitely too long for the bedroom.  Across the room, members of our germ pod made their beautiful scene sounds and for a moment, the world was a happy place again. 

Santa’s method is pretty handy.  When he is working with someone who is an unknown bottom to him, or who has not had a scene with him in quite some time, he uses a numerical scale to determine where everyone is.  For example, he will swing a flogger at the lowest speed he can swing it without the falls being out of control, and he calls that his “one.”  He will ask the bottom on a scale of one to ten, how did that impact register to them.  If they also feel it is  one, he can continue, while checking in with them as he increases his force.  If their response is “six” to his “one,” odd are good that implement needs to be set aside for the time being, as they may not have a positive response to it.  

Others I have spoken with have not been as lucky.  They jumped back into their play after an extended break, some with the brevity of mine (five months), and others who did not play for a year or more.  They expected to splash right back into the deep end of the pool, only to realize too late that someone moved the diving board while they were away.  Frustrated and feeling insecure, I heard many stories of them trying to push through only to end in rather unsatisfactory scenes for all involved.

We forget, sometimes, when those born biologically female are dealing with their cycle of hormones, those things can change how they handle different types of pain.  So  add those hormonal changes into anxiety added into an extended period of time without play, and what we get is bodies with a very different tolerance on the other side of this pandemic.

So the first thing I would say to those experiencing this:  you are not alone.  There are a lot of people out there who are readjusting to their new normal and realizing their journeys are much different than they were.  The second thing I would say is give yourselves grace.  We’ve all been going through, and are still going through, an unprescedented event which makes for a very traumatized populace.  Be kind to yourselves and realize that we all need more forgiveness for what we see as our own inadequecies. 

The final thing I would say is the same thing I have told myself when looking at others and envying their ability to take pain.  Walk your own path, and don’t look back at your old self as better or more resiliant.  Your old self hadn’t been through a year and a half of a traumatizing pandemic.  YOU are every bit as strong and tough as you need to be.  Figure out what your tolerance is now and work from there rather than trying to play like you used to.  Hell, your top may even appreciate not having to work so hard for a while.

Above all, talk to your partners.  Make sure they understand that your body has changed and how to work with you to meet you where you are.

All any of us can do is be who we are, right this minute.  I send my happiest and most positive thoughts to all of you.

BDSM And Personal Discovery

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Some of us, one could argue both the lucky and the unlucky ones, knew we wanted something other than the vanilla heteronormative relationships that society in the 80’s and 90’s tried to condition is to want. Lucky because it is easier to find something when you know you’re looking for it; unlucky because you’d be surprised how many people want nothing to do with someone questioning and experimenting with their own sexuality. Perhaps my experiences would have been different today, but I can only embrace that which is mine and move forward with that knowlege.

Had I desired that vanilla heteronormativity, I’d have had lots of opportunities to figure myself out in middle and high school. Unfortunately, instead my late middle school and high school years are a jumble of memories of cuddling with females and being too afraid to take that next step for fear of rejection, and dark porn, clearly staged, badly acted, and a foundation for some sexual imprinting. For those of use who want bondage or any kind of same sex relationships, we don’t have those same opportunities to explore. That’s why the jokes about lesbians not knowing if they are being hit on and awkward bisexuals exist. We lack that early practice and have to stumble through the finding ourselves part while trying to have adult relationships. That’s a lot of pressure all at once.

The same goes for kink. We don’t have shibari opportunities in high school to figure out what works for us. So we all just do the best that we can and figure things out along the way as we figure them out. We are all on our own timelines. Some of us don’t discover that the things we like are not “normal” until someone slaps us in the face with that information. Maybe literally, who knows?

So what does that mean for the questing adult who has tripped over kink rather than sought it out? I have wondered lately how to explain what we do to someone without the foundation I assume people have when they seek us out. I suppose I would start this way:

Kink is many things to many people. It is not up to me to decide how an individual defines that for themself. It is not for me to judge provided the desired activity is consented to by and with a human of legal age who is capable of giving consent, and does not have the purpose of doing lasting harm, rather than fleeting hurt.

I would tell them kink can absolutely be sexual, but that it doesn’t have to be. Sure, threesomes are probably classified in there somewhere as kink, but when the umbrella encompasses so much variety and many different viewpoints, often times sex can take a backseat to pain, even if that pain has sexual connotations or elements to the people engaging in its practice.

I would tell them to find something that appeals to them, and then to seek out more information. Read books, browse fet, find local people and have conversations. Though it can be difficult, try not to find us scary or intimidating. We’re just normal people who happen to have bonded over a common interest. With some it’s video games or comic books, sports, or food. With us, we bond over kink. It’s easy enough to fit right in.

Above all, I would tell them to ask questions. It’s okay not to know everything. Our honesty is our strength. Everyone won’t know everything., and it is okay not to know this.

Most of all, I would suggest finding someone trustworthy to show them the rules. We see consent very differently from the whole of mainstream society. Sadly. It shouldn’t be different, yet the kink community’s views on consent are so much more empowering than the old rules I was raised with. Even with those differences, missteps are easy. Having a guide can make a huge difference.

Be open to new experience. Every day is a gift when we accept what is coming.

Music In The Dungeon

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Music is often the unnoticed soundtrack of our lives. We shower to music, drive to music, and hear it almost constantly underscoring movies and television, giving us cues to enhance feelings. Colleges teach composers full semesters worth of information on how to best evoke certain feeling when writing music. When choosing music to accompany something, that matters, too. Imagine trying to work out aggressively to elevator music or meditate to screamo – those sounds don’t fit the mood of either of those activities. That can throw off an entire experience.

The sounds of my dungeon are pants, screams, whip cracks. I have heard these sounds echo into a silent playspace, and it always feels a little off. Music is an accepted accompaniment to these events. There were times when it was common to hear Enigma, and other when heavy metal was constant. Regardless of their content, playlists are arguably an essential part of setting the mood at any dungeon or playspace.

Having come back to our dungeon after a long absence, I see opportunity for us, and for the community as a whole. Sure, we can pull up those old playlists back in, but I think as times change, as communities change composition, we need things like our music to flow with them. Other than in some some group chats here and there, I don’t often see discussion of the importance of inclusivity when building those playlists. When planning music for a larger group of people, I have spent time doing my best to build a list that embraces our whole community.

For those who desire to do that within their own communities, I suggest beginning by reaching out to local members. Ask around – what are their favorite songs for their play-at-home or private play playlists? Are there certain groups of people who don’t attend, or are less represented? Reach out and ask for suggestions specifically from them. Yes, it’s even possible to include music for littles, if you don’t limit yourself to original versions of songs. My final playlist includes a heavy metal cover of Let it Go that thrilled every little in the room, and plenty who weren’t.

When building the list out of a variety of genres, it can be a challenge to put songs in an order that doesn’t sound odd. My approach has been to first listen to every song and get a feel for the tempo and vibe, even if I don’t listen to it in its entirety. Some get cut if they just don’t quite “feel” right with the list. Some I liked but didn’t quite like the feel. Those got searched on youtube until I found remixes or covers that worked with the overall feel we were going for in the dungeon. Others sparked ideas for additions. I put all of the titles that made the cut into an excel spreadsheet and categorized them based on how fast or slow they were and what genre, like – slow techno, fast hard rock, mid tempo r&b, etc.

At that point, I decided on how long I wanted my “flow blocks” to be. Some people want a flow of songs to be three songs, or five songs. I chose nine. I picked the slowest tempo songs from my final cut and placed them directly in the middle of each group of nine that was blocked out on my spreadsheet. I then found the fastest tempo songs and put those on the outside edges of each group. I took the remaining songs and used them as transitions between fast and slow, and chose things that moved well from one to the next. At times I cut entire chunks together and moved them to other flow blocks.

I don’t ever quite see it as finished. I suspect it will be changed and adapted many times. New suggestions will come in and either be rejected or incorporated. Older picks may prove unpopular or just get old and be moved off of the list. I think the most important thing is that my community knows our dungeon is doing its best to give everyone music that makes them feel welcome and comfortable and down for whatever their kink may be.

Holding Kink Events With Today’s Challenges

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There are some venues and groups who have begun to reopen their doors for kink events. Like many other things nowadays, requirements are varied and controversial, regardless of where they hold their bar for risk. Covid is not gone, and at this point, we are all just doing our best to find ways to interact with our kink communities to the best we are able.

There are, have been, and will continue to be venues / groups who are not requiring any safety precautions for gathering, and are not limiting attendance. It is within their rights to hold events as they choose to, just as it is within the rights of people attending to determine individually if those events fall within their risk profiles. However, I believe it is important for people who are attending events without safety precautions to inform others they may plan to interact with intimately in order to allow those individuals to make informed choices about whether or not they feel safe in those circumstances. Please remember, we can’t tell if someone is a high risk individual based on appearance or guessing. They have the right to know if they may be at risk based on someone else’s behavior. This is very much like disclosing other sexual partners. Someone cannot consent if they are not fully informed as to what they are consenting to.

Other venues and groups are / have been offering masked attendance options. As the pandemic raged and my home dungeon was seeking ways they could continue to pay the rent, one of the possible solutions was what we affectionately termed LAT parties, or limited attendance and time parties, which were not only limited to a maximum of 10 individuals, also included us shuttering some equipment to create more space between stations, required masking, and involved lots of disinfecting and sanitizing. As one of the testers for the concept, my partner and I attempted a full impact scene while wearing masks. As an informational note, our impact tends to start fairly light and wind its way towards a four pound, four foot long flogger made of water buffalo hide. It’s a fairly hefty beast which often leaves both of us panting. While it was entirely possible to be fully satisfied from the physical expression of that experience, we both felt that the masks did present something of a barrier to our usual methods of visual check ins, since it hid much of my facial movement from him. He had to rely more on head movement responses to verbal check-ins, which definitely changed the feel of things for us. It was definitely better than the alternative, however.

Again, though, these types of events will not be for everyone. Some will refuse to play masked, others will not feel safe enough. It is a difficult thing to please everyone, even in the best of times, which these certainly are not.

Most recently, we’ve seen the rise of events which cater to vaccinated individuals. These sorts of events are controversial in any environment. People feel reasonable accommodation should be made for those with allergy issues, religious issues, etc. While this would be true for employers, at least in the US, it isn’t the case for private events. An individual can set requirements for entering their club, home or place of business, or as one explanation said, private events on private property. In this case, that means venues / groups have the right to require proof of vaccination from attendees. This may mean they want a digital copy, or it could mean they want to view it upon entry. States have different guidelines. Some states or even cities are requiring that event planners keep records of vaccinated guests’ names, the date of their final dose and declaration that they are fully vaccinated, which presents some interesting potential issues for kinksters who may not want their information on record in that fashion. The solution to that is to know the laws in your city and state, and if organizers plan to keep your health information on file, so you can make an information decision about attending events.

This is an excellent time to mention that vetting is not just for individuals. It is absolutely appropriate to vet group leaders and ask about group history. If a group has been in existence ten years, likely there are a few local kink community members you can ask about whether or not they have ever released vanilla information, how knowledgeable leadership is, whether or not the group’s consent ideology and policy lines up with yours, etc. If it is a newer group, ask how long it has been around, how they handle consent violation accusations, how they handle education, what resources they share with newcomers, and how they handle personal information of members, if they collect it at all. Before you hand over your information to someone just because they “lead” a group, make sure you are comfortable with their experience level and what they may do with that private info.

If you are interested in following up, here is the latest information on hosting events from the CDC: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/community/large-events/considerations-for-events-gatherings.html

And a look at the legalities of requiring vaccinations: https://www.cbsnews.com/news/can-businesses-require-vaccination-proof-experts-say-yes/

Erotica: The Recording Session

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Jamie sighed and rested her temple against her thumbs for a moment, glad the singer’s booth didn’t have a line of sight to the booth. Fucking singers, man. They all pranced in here thinking they could knock out a vocal track in under half an hour, surprised when their time stretched out closer to five hours. This one had been particularly frustrating, though they had just hit the two hour mark. She fully expected to need to put in several more today on this project, just working with this singer. She smirked slightly as she acknowledged the time, knowing her pay for the day would be quite sufficient to soothe the headache, not to mention the extra enjoyment she got from the consensual degradation they were quite literally paying her for.

She could almost do this in her sleep. Pressing the intercom button as she cringed to hear the out-of-tune pitches coming out of that girl’s mouth, she used her driest tone of voice, “I’m going to start this section over and we’re both going to pretend you never made those sounds.” She released the button momentarily for effect, then slowly levered a fingernail down on it again, “In fact, just do it twenty more times. Maybe then I’ll get some usable material.”

She smiled, queuing up the other tracks again for a few more runs, crossing her legs to enjoy the tingle she got from getting to be totally honest for a living. She made some corrections and helpful coaching suggestions between takes, since she couldn’t just give the degradation the whole time, even though her excellent reputation might be able to take the heat that might bring. After the seventh, she engaged the intercom again. “Well, look at that, you managed it in seven. Here I thought we’d need twenty. I’ve pulled the best and inserted it into the full audio file. Come on out and have a listen.” Jamie considered tossing a “good job” but after two hours and not even being through the second verse, figured it wouldn’t come off as sincere anyhow. Fair enough. It wouldn’t have been.

Barbie emerged from the booth. The name truly fit. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a body that would definitely be marketable from a producer’s standpoint. She could have dressed casually for a studio session, jeans or yoga pants, but she wore a tiny lightweight skirt that barely flared past the crease in her assumably pert derriere paired with a shirt cut low enough to emphasize her generous breasts. She also happened to be just about the sweetest client who’d ever come in for a session, with plenty of someone’s money to spend. Maybe Daddy, who knew? She had patiently put up with all of Jamie’s brusque prodding and blunt critiques, continuing to take notes and improve. She came out and took a seat on the couch for the listen-through. The pitches were all working finally, but Jamie knew the issue was something else. The song was definitely looking to sell sex, and it was a barely covered innuendo that fit the girl’s body and outfit, but didn’t seem to match her personality.

“May I ask a personal question?” Jamie inquired. At Barbie’s bubbly nod, she continued. “How are you feeling about this? I usually recommend clients produce pieces that fit their personalities, but I get the impression this one may not quite fit you. Are you sure this is the direction you’re wanting to go?”

Barbie scootched forward on the couch, exposing more of her bare legs, cocking her head slightly. “I’m not certain I understand what you mean,” she said.

Jamie felt a little uncomfortable having to explain, but pushed ahead anyhow. She opened with her characteristic straightfowardness. “This song is very sexual,” she said slowly and carefully, almost as if speaking to a child, somehow feeling as if she were explaining sex to someone who really ought to know what it is. “The energy I feel from you,” she continued, waving her hand vaguely in the air to elaborate, “is more of a bubbly, happy energy. This song lacks a major piece it needs to give it the punch you’re looking for. You need to tap into a whole different kind of energy if this is the kind of thing you’re looking to convey. It needs to drip sex, and every sound you make should be steeped in it. Breathing should sound like moans or pants, and your voice should have moments where it’s a little breathy from sexual excitement.”

Barbie’s bubbly expression shifted a bit to something Jamie couldn’t quite get a read on. Not anger, but, “So you’re saying I should be more sexual?” Barbie’s words interrupted Jamie’s attempts at reading her expression. Somehow, she’d slowed down her arm movement, seeming a bit lazier. The voice had dropped as well, sounding a little huskier.

Jamie laughed. “Well don’t waste it on me, if you’ve got it.” It sounded slightly dismissive, intentionally. “Take it to the booth and see if you can get it there.” She turned back to the sound board, making adjustments for the next take, when she caught a glimpse of Barbie in her peripherals. She was bending over next to the couch, straight legged, unbuckling her strappy sandals. It was suddenly obvious to Jamie that Barbie wasn’t wearing any panties, so she took a moment to enjoy the view of the now confirmed as pert derriere and what appeared to be a rather pinkened and aroused bare cunt. Barbie straightened slowly after slipping off her shoes, tossing her hair back and meeting Jamie’s eyes with a hint of challenge. Jamie didn’t even try to pretend she hadn’t been watching. Dismissive and degrading were clearly working for both of them.

Barbie walked back to the vocal booth, though to Jamie’s mind, walking wasn’t an entirely sufficient word to express the way she moved. It was almost a glide, but rolling hips and dragging toes somehow made breasts and ass more prominent and noticeable. She shut the door of the booth and positioned herself in front of the mic again. Jamie queued up the musical tracks and started another take, only to stop it before the first verse was done. She gleefully poked the intercom button with her middle finger. “If you’re going to do this without the slut shoes, I’m going to have to adjust your mic to the new height, otherwise the sound quality isn’t going to match. Either that, or you’re going to need to put them back on if you don’t want to sit on the stool.”

Barbie spoke her response into the microphone, requesting the adjustment. Jamie headed back and stepped into the booth with the singer, realizing the buxom blonde was an inch shorter than her without the heels. Barbie took a linger step backwards to allow Jamie space to step in to make the adjustments, brushing what Jamie suddenly realized were erect nipples casually across her arm with the movement. Jamie smirked to herself, knowing it was likely a calculated move. This session was beginning to get a lot more interesting. She made the adjustments to the equipment and stepped backwards to allow Barbie to move in and do a height check, nipples magically brushing her again. With everything lining up, Jamie headed back to the booth, hoping to utilize some of that sexual tension Barbie had started building to lay down a track they’d both be pleased with.

They took it from the top. “Look, you’re oozing sex at me now, and that’s awesome,” Jamie said bluntly into her board mic, “but I want you to channel all of that into this song. Whatever you need in your head to get it there is up to you, I’m just here to get the best performance out of you we can possibly get.”

Jamie had already hit record when Barbie responded in a breathy voice, dripping with sexual invitation as requested, “You can’t tell me you didn’t watch every second of my bare pussy when you had the chance. You can tell all those things you’ve said have me aroused.” Perfect. She’d clip that later for the unedited outro that only appeared on the album track.

Too bad the sing through was a starting point rather than the final sex-filled sound she wanted. She sighed. Clearly this one required a little more hand-on encouragement than she usually preferred. Poking the button again, she made sure to add a smidge of disdain. “Whatever you’re thinking clearly isn’t good enough. Apparently even throwing yourself at me like a common slut isn’t good enough. Now we’re going to try it my way.” She hit record on her way past, grabbed the stool and marched it back to the booth. She gestured dismissively to indicate Barbie move and placed the stool in front of the microphone.

“Sit, slut,” she commanded. Barbie’s eyes glowed almost luminously and she obediently complied. “Nipples,” Jamie said, gesturing vaguely. Barbie slid her hands up and pinched them, hard. Interesting, Jamie mused, since she wasn’t really giving much command. They were already erect, and the pinching was likely quite enjoyable to her, given her gasps and moans. “How slutty are you, really?” Jamie asked. “Do you want to show me?” Barbie moaned with full throat and pulled her shirt off, the nipples on beautiful breasts fully erect and straining. She looked up with a coy expression, fluttering eyelashes as she slid the hem of her skirt over her thighs to expose that bare cunt. She slowly spread her legs to reveal that it was even more flushed than before, swollen and dark pink, eager little clit just as erect as the nipples. Jamie could see the wetness glistening there, and a part of her longed to slide hands over the sensitive flesh. She stood watching dispassionately, though. Clearly the game was in the disinterest, and Jamie could play that game like a champ.

“Do you want to touch yourself?” she asked, sounding almost bored by the thought. Barbie breathed a yes. “Don’t you dare,” Jame snapped. She could visibly see Barbie’s cunt swell and tremble at the words. “I don’t want your filthy cunt juice on the equipment. Now let’s try it again. I’d hate to have to open the studio door and let the other execs see what a complete whore you are. Maybe if you’re good I’ll let you come afterwards.” She stalked back to the booth, leaving the vocal door open so she could see Barbie half-naked and spread on the stool.

The take was perfect. Jamie knew it would be. She didn’t tell Barbie via intercom, though. She walked back to the booth and asked what reward she wanted for being such a good girl. Turns out she got paid to sit on Barbie’s face and finger that beautiful sopping wet cunt. Ain’t showbiz grand?

Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That’s OK

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Ask any clustered group of kinksters what their rules are and you’ll get a variety of responses. Some may talk about what they restrict or their version of dungeon etiquette. One of our biggest places of disagreement lies in those details. However, there is one thing most everyone can agree on: as long as the parties involved are able to consent, kinksters should be free to do whatever “their thing” is without judgement. By able to consent, of course, that leaves three very important groups out of our kinking: anyone under the age of consent; anyone whose ability to give consent is impaired, such as by drugs, alcohol, or a disability which would impact that function; and animals, who cannot speak to give consent. Often, those who have been around a while may assume this understanding is a natural one for anyone coming into the kink community, but it is always important to clearly state these things rather than to assume others come equipped with the knowledge.

Start talking about things like SSC and the fights break out. Sure safe, sane, and consensual is a way to handle your kink business. Others will argue that half this stuff isn’t sane, so they follow RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I personally prefer RASH, an acronym a friend shared with me, which stands for risk aware, shit happens. Because it does. We’re still all pretty much on board with that consensual word.

So now that we’ve got a clear understanding of who cannot consent to our kinky fun, and that consent is key to all this, anything else goes, right? Well, sure, except I can’t tell you how often I see judgement from people coming into kink spaces. Maybe that judgement is towards a specific kink in a negative way – I see this sometimes with people dealing with littles and those who participate in ABDL. I believe that acronym stands for adult baby diaper lover, though this is not an area I specialize in, so my apologies if I have used incorrect terminology. Y’all get the gist, though. Those groups can often feel separated from the rest of the kink community because others have a preconceived notion of what that kink entails and have decided it’s “icky.” They aren’t the only ones who corner the market on receiving judgement. For a bunch of people who say we’re open-minded and accepting, kinksters can be among the judgiest of judgy bastards. Rainbow play (vomit), scat, feet, clowns, consensual non-consent (CNC), needles, a ball gag made of teeth, whatever it is, many people have something they may privately need to get a cookie when it happens at an event AND THAT’S 100% OKAY. I want to be very clear. No one should ever feel forced to watch or participate in anything that may upset, disturb, or trigger them. Again, to be clear, I use the word triggered as in a to trigger a PTSD response, not as in taking offense, though if something may be offensive, that is another good reason to step away from a scene and visit the kitchen for a cookie. Or a snack. Or go outside for a smoke. Or whatever someone needs to do to provide self care.

What isn’t okay is to stand around saying belittling things about others’ kinks, whether that’s while watching a scene in a dungeon or talking to someone on the internet. There should only be one question: is it consensual by all participants. If the answer is yes, don’t say anything if you don’t like it, just walk away. Don’t type out how abusive someone’s partner is for whatever was done in that photo on Fet. Keep that shit to yourself. You may have some kink others feel the same way about. Do you want to come to a community where you should be safe to do all those delightfully deviant things we all say we’re here for without overhearing someone say “Ew, gross” in the midst of it? I do.  I love the feeling of safety I have to be my authentic self within the kink community.  If hearing Judgy McJudgerson yuck your kinks sounds fun to you, in that case you can get that from Vanilla World™, or negotiate for someone to do that consensually. The rest of us prefer to kink in peace without a Karen telling the manager we should be removed for being icky.

PSA: This goes for polyamory, too. Stop judging others for how they set up their relationships. The only time it is your business is when you’ve been invited to be part of it, and then you have every right to choose not to engage with someone you don’t feel practices the style of poly which works for you.

Remember, people, we’re all fellow humans trying to walk paths which aren’t always well-traversed. Show grace and acceptance to others. Or, to sum up, don’t be a dick.

Here endith the lesson.

The Challenge Of Being A Pandemic Newcomer

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I think back on occasion to the challenges I encountered when I was first seeking my local kink community.  It was a different time then, and the books I’d read suggested searching for information wherever I was purchasing my kink implements.  Spoiler alert, that was a bust.  It took someone familiar with the local community, a Fetlife account and some determination much later to find my people.

I see some similarities in some of the people who have been searching for kink over the past year.  For a moment, really take a moment to image how challenging it would be to attempt to find local kinky people without munches, without events, with many of our local groups dormant and the only options as some sparse Zoom educational events, some swink events that never seemed to take a break or enact safety measures and won’t be in many folx’s risk profiles, and with the majority of kink social media divided sharply down a political line that didn’t seem to be drawn quite so determinedly some six months prior.  Even those who had a party or two under their belts were suddenly left to flounder, with no partners, no mentors, no education, and no options.  They had a hunger for their brief tastes of kink, and no options to feed that other than to take chances on dating sites and meeting strangers from Fet.

To be quite frank, that sucks. 

The others who came searching for us along the way have had an equally difficult time, though at least they only have a vague idea of what they’re missing.

My local community slipped sideways to Telegram, creating a virtual spiderweb of chats that are all run by kinky folx for kinky folx.  Of course, newcomers and veterans alike had to find it or be told it was there to go looking.  We aren’t going to advertise, for goodness sake.

As a project to keep my spirits up, I have tried to stay active in planning educational Zooms, participating in conversations which may have educational value, and writing here.  But for these newcomers, what does their path look like?  What should they do to engage their local communities as they begin to sputter back to life?

First and foremost, we each have to look out for our own self-interest.  We cannot depend on others to value our physical or mental health, and we cannot trust that someone random we’ve met at a kink event has our educational best interests in mind either.  It is up to each of us to seek knowledge.

Read.  Find books, read fet articles, read Kink Weekly articles, do searches on topics of interest.  Don’t take my word for anything, do the research.  I don’t mean read one article that took two minutes and then make a snap decision, I mean research.  One of my graduate professors insisted that 50 sources was the absolute minimum to truly cover any subject, and while I admire his enthusiasm, many of the BDSM topics I want to read about won’t have that many research opportunities, and most will be opinion rather than data, though hopefully it will be informed opinion, which is sometimes the best we get.  I’m happy to find 10 different viewpoints on any given topic.  Regardless, make sure to inform yourself.  Read about negotiations.  Read about communication.  Do self-work you encounter.  Figure out what sparks your interest and notate it.  Figure out what scares you and notate that.  Those things will quite likely change drastically, then change again once you encounter these things in the real world, but knowing what interests you is an important way to start finding what you think you are seeking.

Vet.  Get to know people.  Ask questions.  When I say vet, figure out what that means to you.  To me, that means finding experienced community members I trust and asking questions.  It means watching and seeing what kind of person someone is.  To others, it is a more or sometimes less involved process.  Don’t take it lightly, from either the bottom or the top side.  There are people you’ll wish you’d avoided of all genders and kink identities.  If you can weed those out on the front end, it can save heartache, pain, and potentially even trauma you may wish you could have avoided.  If you’re going to meet someone in private, for goodness sake, please have safe calls lined up with a friend ready to call the police if things go sideways.  Your safety is your responsibility and it is important to not treat it lightly.  Pretend you are making arrangements for someone you love dearly to meet someone.  How can you set that up as safely as possible so they will return to you unharmed (or in your case, as unharmed as you want to be)? 

Find group leaders locally and ask them how to access educational events.  If you can’t find any locally, search Fet for digital offerings.  They are becoming more common, and range from subjects such as poly and jealousy to demonstrations of different kink skills, to social meetings with assigned topics of discussion.  Regardless of how long you’ve been in the community, these events are great opportunities to learn.

Find out if any local groups are offering safe options for meetups.  Are they offering parties for vaccinated folx?  Are they enacting safety measures you feel are within your risk profile?  If not, are there other towns or larger cities nearby who might have better options? 

Are there experienced kinksters who can offer advice or information on their specialty areas?  My partner and I have taken a newcomer under our collective wings and are training him in impact play, leatherworking, and teaching him general kink skills and communication.  He sarcastically calls himself “the most experienced newbie ever.”  To be fair, he probably is at this point.  He was writing articles on impact implements last week and laughing at all of his practical knowledge outweighing his physical experience.

Opportunities are out there.  There are chances to learn and grow for all of us right now, regardless of how active our local communities are choosing to be.  Maybe those come in the form of individual relationships, and maybe they come as digital learning, but we can find them if we seek in the right places.  The trick, as it always has been from back when I first came seeking, is in the knowing where to look.