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Christmas Bunny

The First Shaky Steps of a Newly Hatched Subsadist

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I’ve been thinking about sadism quite a bit lately.

It is conceptually fascinating.  It can live inside just about anyone and range from the smallest blossoming enjoyment of another’s pain to enoying creating pain in others as long as the recipient finds pleasure in it, all the way up to those who need to restrain themselves from causing real damage.

I’ve talked some about my journey into impact toy-making.  I suppose it goes with the name.  After all, Father Christmas’ bunny must have some role in helping build all of those toys for naughty girls and boys.  Well, something about creating these implements of ass destruction has awakened new thoughts and feelings within me.

Or perhaps they aren’t so new.  I’ve always fallen on the low end of the sadistic range, though.  Taking some mild enjoyment from watching people get spanked is a far cry from doing it myself, just as taking some small sadistic pleasure in video games such as Naughty Bear hardly translates to me ripping the innards out of my moderate-size stuffie collection.  Discovering these new desires to take that next step is surprising.

Awakening it was a process more than a realization.

It was a moment of enjoying someone’s distress within the confines of a scene I mostly spectated, and a small shot of glee when I had an indirect part in causing the next impact.  That spurt of glee left an impression.

It was discovering that my hobby of toymaking had modified into attempts at making more and more unpleasant (for me) toys for others to endure and the devilish gratification that provided.  The curious feelings within me drove me explore those thoughts, only to realize that there was a new desire to experience impact from the other end of the implement.

I’ve had people in the community tell me that developing some sadistic urges or skills in those areas is a common occurrence as masochists grow, though I don’t know how accurate that statement is.  Having tried my hand at some topping years ago and having found it quite unappetizing, that leaves the question of where does a sadistic submissive feed that part of themself?

One obvious solution is to co-top, learning the skills to perform impact and other desired sadistic play while handing the decision-making reins to the other top or actual Dominant.  This would take that uncomfortable feeling of being in charge of another human being out of my blossoming little sadist hands.

A subsadist friend without a play partner has turned to other methods for scratching that particular itch.  Some of it is filled by customer service work (and you wonder why those calls are so frustrating!), some is filled by biting sexual partners, but most of it comes from making particularly evil implememts of pain infliction.  Those toys give a sense of satisfaction unmatched by other areas of sadistic fulfilment.  Perhaps there are other subsadists feeding that part of themselves that way.  It certainly brings me some satisfaction and helped me realize new truths about myself.

As I’ve mentioned before in passing, some elements of BDSM can be incorrectly assumed.  Submissive does not equal masochist, and neither does Domimant equal Sadist.  Plenty of people who engage in D/s relationships may be neither Sadists nor masochists, we just happen to see Dominant Sadists and submissive masochists rather frequently.  Sometimes what we see as masochism is closer to submitting to pain in service rather than enjoyment of pain for its own sake.

With all that being the case, finding internet examples of submissive Sadists, or even references, is much more difficult.  One may find discussion here or there about finding others to match, but I suspect many have adapted to Switch roles, or do service topping as a way to feed those sadistic needs.

With the absence of information or discussion in this area, I find myself taking shaky steps with my Daddy and our partner, hoping to find my way slowly and safely.  In college when we asked questions without answers or found holes in research the solution was to call to the academic community to patch the hole by advancing knowledge in that area.

That’s what I would love.  Let’s see more discussion about subsadists and hear from Dominant masochists (Domichists?) to further the knowlege and understanding of our Kink Community as a whole.   These discussions and explorations could help people struggling to come to terms with these parts of themselves, and help them find the fulfillment they long for.

About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tis The Season To Journal

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Christmas is coming.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?

Unless, of course, it isn’t.  The holidays can feel very dark, even when we are in partnerships, and that’s not even taking into account that December 21st is the longest night of the year.  Something about the holidays, the hustle and bustle, can bring out the very best in us, and the very worst as well.  Sometimes the holiday season reminds us of those we have lost, or left behind.  For some, it is a season of sadness rather than the joy others experience.

I find my peace in journaling.

While those who follow my writing know that I post frequently, they may not realize how this came to pass, or what purpose it serves for me.  At the beginning of this portion of my journey, I struggled with many issues.  I fought against self-acceptance, I refused to acknowledge a fear of abandonment which I was letting control my behavior, and most of all, I didn’t know what I wanted.

I’d like to take a moment to bunny trail.  I certainly always support people treating their mental health with as much care as their physical health, and getting regular mental health check-ins.  There is no substitute for counseling from a licensed (and hopefully kink-friendly) professional.  However, we are not always at places in our journeys where counseling is easy to afford or perhaps schedule.  Sometimes we have to find healing in other ways.

Daddies are sometimes wiser than their stubborn charges.

He found a website that had journal prompts for submissives and mixed those in with things he recognized we needed to discuss or wanted more information from me on.  Thanks to his clever assignments, my journaling became a tool for growth and self-awareness.  It became the way I could admit all of the things I was thinking without committing to speaking those things aloud.  There is a strange catharsis in letting the words flow out of the hand and onto the paper, know that if those pages were ripped out or burnes, the words could disappear into smoke.

When assigning journaling to a submissive, it really can function in multiple ways.  First and foremost, it can simply be a tool of knowing.  Sharing secrets with blank pages or in the draft folder of an online blog can provide a top slash keys to their bottom slash.  If done well, it can be an insightful enough experience to apear as mind reading by the top.

It can also function as a tool for honesty.  Having a submissive journal about their fantasies, their thoughts on a scene, or even talking about what they want from a budding relationship can lay the foundation for productive conversations.

Having the bottom slash in the habit of sharing thoughts daily can keep any issues which may come up from festering.  Struggling with polyamory?  Jealousy?  Write about it, then talk about it together.  Writing can help organize the thoughts into the most important ones, and help both parties recognize unreasonable lines of thinking.  Sometimes those moments of recognition can lead to healthier responses.

Journaling about disagreements heped Daddy and I implement argument protocol.  When we want to discuss opposing viewpoints, we sit touching.  Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we snuggle.  Neither of us is permitted to deny physical affection to the other.  Either way, touching with affection tends to minimize the quarrelsome nature such conversations can have.

Sometimes regular journaling will expose deeper issues that may need some attention.  In the case of my fear of abandonment, it came across as sudden bursts of irrational behaviors and the journal helped us find the pattern.  I was able to continue my journey with several books to assist.  I found The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson and Love Me Don’t Leave Me by Michelle Skeen.  I read them as I had the emotional strength available (it being the holiday season) and journaled about my reading and subsequent thoughts extensively.

As I healed, my writing continued, but it adapted and became a tool with which I have been able to share my experiences and hopefully help others on their paths.  It is a habit of introspection that has made the relationships with both of my partners healthier, as well as with close friends.

As we travel through December, taking time to reflect on those thoughts and feelings can ease worries and promote better understanding between the members of a dynamic.  However we feel about the holidays, whether it be stressed by shopping, overbooking activities and events or work hours, or joyful and serene, or even a mixture of things, there is value to be had in being honest with ourselves, first and foremost.  That honesty with self can’t help but improve the way we interact with each other, and perhaps help us spread a little joy and light as we come upon the longest night of the year.

About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Floggers and Christmas

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Last Christmas I thought I’d be adorable and get Daddy some presents we opened in private (*wink, wink*).  These included a leather strap and, so romantically, a wooden paddle laser etched with the word MINE.

I hadn’t had any experience with paddles prior to that, but their description said “thuddy,” and since I like thuddy, I was on board!  He loved the thought I’d put into it, and the first time we used it, we were both excited.  After a nice warm-up, he gave me a good tap with it, not even using his full strength.

I was instantly in tears.

That was not quite how I envisioned that experience going.  It didn’t get any better the other times he has used it.  Pro:  he knows what I don’t like.  Cons:  my thoughtful and beautiful Christmas present became a funny what-not-to-buy story, and he holds the power to bring me to uncontrolable tears at any time.

I realized that I was either going to need to learn some things about imact implements or stop buying Daddy presents of that nature.  I chose learning.  That’s part of what led me to begin making my own toys.

I ended up in the leather section of a craft store to find a rivet to fix a purse strap the night before vacation and suddenly realized I wanted to play with leather.  I wanted the scent in my nostrils, the texture under my fingers.  I wanted to create impact implements that suited exactly what I wanted, and I needed to study a lot before I could get there.

I began experimenting in cloth.  Goodwill has an excellent selection, perfect for my purposes and much cheaper than a fabric store.  After some heavy reading and trial and error, I had a prototype.  I found scrap leather to make a second, blended with cloth.

I learned a lot with those first attempts, but the real learning began when I took my creating to leather.  There are so many ways to get what you want out of a flogger, and until I began experimenting, I had no idea.

The first time I walked into a leather wholesale store, I was hooked.  The scent of the leather surrounding me always brings me to a halt.  Inhaling deeply, I can let that scent bring a swirl of memories of motorcycles and men I’ve loved – fathers, friends, lovers.  The learning and experimenting only srves to enrich my experiences with leather.  I have had to learn how changing textures, lengths, edges and adornments can change the way each flogger impacts.

Weight of material:  rabbit fur is lighter than pigskin which is lighter than deerskin which is lighter than cow skin.  The weight of the skin is part of what determines how thuddy an implement will be.  Of course, floggers can be made of plenty of other materials besides leather, or by combining things with leather.  The weight can be negated by other elements, such as how the skin was prepared.  Suede gives more thud than veg-tanned skin, which ends up more slappy even at the same weight.

Number of falls:  a high number of falls will increase the weight that is descending, creating a heavier thud sensation.  Similarly, fewer falls will often result in more sting, though that can change based on any specialized fall treatment, or the length.

Length of falls:  this is simple physics.  Shorter falls will have less impact because their momentum is less.  Longer falls will build up more speed and thus have greater impact.  However, it is important to remember that while showy, falls that are too long for the height of the wielder (I personally don’t recommend longer than arms length) can become cumbersome during longer sessions.

Shape of fall tips:  the standard shape is a straight cut across the material.  That shape tends to thud, which can be combined with the above elements to either bring contrast to stingier features or enhance existing thud.  For a more gentle thud, you’re going to want rounded tips instead of flat ones.  To create sting at the tip ends, a diagonal slice at the end will do.  To really amp that up, double tipping the ends adds to the sting factor.

Additions and raised edges:  some floggers may come with braided or twisted falls.  By compacting the leather that way they can make a thuddy flogger land even more solidly, but the raised edges bring focus to the inertia and add sting in those sections.  The more raised sections which are created in this way, the more sting it will provide when it lands.

Some of these things can be done to a plain flogger sitting in your drawer.  If you desire to customize, adding braids or twists will change your flogger.  Of course, once you cut into it, there’s no going back, so make sure it is what you want.  You can also cut your tips at home, as flat tips are the most common ones.  While I recommend a rotary cutter or exacto knife, tip trimming can be accomplished with just a pair of scissors and a decent ruler.

If you’re picking out a flogger for your partner to use on you, oh, say for Christmas, and you hate sting, perhaps that cute flogger with very thin falls and pointed tips isn’t a smart purchase, particularly if it has enough heft to it to really bite.  If your partner is anything like mine, you’re going to have a regret story about that present, once you can laugh about it!

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

The Misunderstandings of Littles

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Pure Rebel – https://www.patreon.com/purerebel
The Dark Arts-https://darkestarts.com/

I was still finding myself when I met my Daddy.

Correction.  I hadn’t even begun trying to find the self I had lost when I met him, yet he inspired me to begin that journey.

Along the way, he pointed out to me that I had some of the tendencies of littles.  Having read very little about people who identify that way, but finding those things to be negative, I rejected that possibility for myself.  It was only after I did some more reading and spent some time being honest with myself that I was able to accept that part of me.  I have met others along the way who struggled similarly with their preconceived notions of littles and thus fought against their desires for things such as pacifiers.

I genuinely cannot count the number of times people have become friends of mine and at some point remarked casually at how they hadn’t known someone who was a little before.  They often go on to describe characteristics which are often associated with littles, such as brattiness and childishness, and express distaste with those traits, but pleasure that I am “not like that.”  The conversation usually moves on, leaving me with that hint of sadness that one of my identifiers is so widely misinterpreted.

For a portion of society who preaches about tolerance and not judging one another, I see an awful lot of misconceptions about subgroups in our community.  Perhaps the only experience some has had was with a little in a forum, or seen from across the room at a play party, all in pink stomping a foot and emphatically saying no.  This trend towards treating littles somewhat dismissively tends to hit me hardest where I live, as these things often do.  Rather than seeing those of us who identify in this category as whole, healthy individuals who have embraced their inner child, they are often seen as annoying, with much misconception. However, I see it in the case of “littles,” so let’s talk about us!

There are at least three large categories within the “little” heading.  Littles, middles, and babygirls are often grouped together.  So let’s break it down.

Littles often, but not always, identify that way because they have an age regression.  This can be a state of mind for them which is sometimes situational.  It can sometimes be referred to as little space in discussion.  This age regression is different for every person who experiences it.  Some people will identify an age they feel they regress to, others will have a range.  For the most part littles tend to identify on the lower end of the age spectrum, generally under age 10, taking on characteristics of those age groups.

This may mean your little wants to have a pacifier, or takes comfort in stuffies.  It may mean games of Candyland or coloring.  It could mean Disney movies, a system of reward and punishment, or the endearment good girl being a thrill.  It may mean they do not want sexual contact while in their age regressed state.

It does not mean that people who identify this way are incapable of taking care of themselves.  It also does not mean they act like children all of the time.  There are generally specific things which will trigger age regression for them, and may require them to feel comfortable and safe with the people around them.  That generally doesn’t occur during the work day or with just anyone.

Middles generally identify in the middle of the age spectrum, somewhere from 11 and up.  Again, some may experience age regression and some may not.  They may or may not enjoy some of the more childlike things like coloring and stuffies and may be more open to sexual contact while in this mindset.

Babygirls often do not identify with age regressive experiences, yet strongly desire to fully integrate their inner children with their adult experiences.  They may enjoy some of the same activities that littles and middles do without necessarily needing them or being restricted to one age bracket.

Confusion can come because all three subcategories can exhibit similar outward characteristics.  Individuals identifying in these manners can often project a certain level of naivety or innocence in some form, whether it exists or is simply a projection of childlike innocence.  Generally all three groupings are seeking a Daddy or Mommy relationship with an individual who is often, but not necessarily, older in chronological age and who guides the pairing.  This partnership can provide mentoring in areas which may be less developed in the submissive partner, or simply provide emotional fulfilment.

The important thing to remember when dealing with anyone who identifies in any of these ways is that they are still adults who are perfectly capable of rational and intelligent thought.  They shouldn’t have to hide their identifier out of fear of misconception or ridicule as I have seen some do.  This community should be as inclusive as it claims to be.  We should offer all those we meet an opportunity to educate us about areas of kink we were previously unfamiliar with, and perhaps learn a little about ourselves in return.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Relationship Dynamics

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Dominatrix: Mercenary Mistress
Photographer: Danny Stygion
Corset: FetCraft
MUA: Texas Dela Rosa
Shoes: Refuse To Be Usual
Location: Austin Dungeon

Relationship dynamics are so very individual.  Vanilla or kink, everyone has to develop their own working model.  The funny thing is that if you google the words “relationship dynamic definition,” you get a bunch of articles and book recommentations, but no actual definition.  I thought I’d take a stab at it.

Relationship:

noun
  1. the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
  2. The way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other.

Dynamic:

adjective
  1. (of a process or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.
noun
  1. a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.

Using the dictionary as our foundation, then, we can create a better definition than just waving our hands about to encompass BDSM and talking mystically about our dynamics, expecting others to nod along.  I argue we can define it thus:

Relationship dynamic:

  1. the way in which two or more people are connected and behave toward each other, characterized by constant change or progress.

I really like the part that implies that relationships are constantly growing and adapting, because that’s definitely how I see it.  The question then becomes how does one find the mythical “relationship dynamic” and wht kinds of dynamics can one build?

Obviously, the most common relationship structure that gets attention in Kink is that of a Dominant / submissive pairing, though polyamorous structures are possibly even more common.  I also tend to see quite a bit of literature on structuring Master / slave relationships.  Any of the relationships we build in the Kink Community can be as sexual or non-sexual as the participants desire.

The things we don’t tend to see as much of are pairings such as Handler / pet or even Daddy / little or middle or babygirl, Stag / vixen, and a host of other possible combinations.  Perhaps because I’ve been looking I have seen more informative writings about those types of relationships lately, though they have required me to search with more deliberation to find them.  It gets even more interesting when we begin to combine elements from different areas of kink into one relationship dynamic.  Perhaps an individual identifies as a submissive but also a primal prey.  It is easier to find a match in a Dominant Primal Hunter than when someone identifies in ways which seem conflicting.

Those large categories can often carry some societal assumptions, even within our more open-minded community.  Think for a moment of the word submissive.  We often make some broad generalizations about an individual who identifies that way.  We assume that person must either accept pain or be a masochist along with that submission, but those things don’t have to go together.

What happens to someone who clearly identifies as submissive bottom but who is also a sadist?  Does this person require poly structures to get what they want, since the likelihood of finding a Dominant masochist is smaller, or hold out hope of finding everything they need in one partner?  That is a decision only that person can make, but it reminds us that even broad categories can be confining.

It can become even more challenging when an individual identifies in more than two categories.  I identify as a babygirl, but also as a submissive and as a slave / property.  Finding a Daddy Domiant / Master was quite a challenge.  For me, though, the rewards of being able to develop a relationship dynamic which feeds more of what I need was well worth the effort it took to discover and develop it.

I get a lot of questions from people who are wanting to develop similar structures, or even other types of less common combinations, but are unsure how.  Prehaps they have read something I wrote and notice that I tend to swap back and forth between terms of address for my Dominant, and they are left with quesrions.  We are often faced with people who want others to be only one thing, to be more easily categorized.  That may work well for some, but there are many of us who don’t feel one category adequately describes either us or the relationships we build.  Sometimes it helps to look to others who have built similar structures and engage them in dialogue.  The one piece of advice I can offer is this.

Time.

There’s a song about time and patience.  Unfortunately, for those of us who want to build any relationship, we have to start from the ground up.  From individuals who only want a relationship which falls into one category to those who want theirs to span several, they all require participants to clearly communicate both their desires and their needs for the relationship.  Those things may be different, and deciding if something is a need vs a want can be challenging.

Once each individual has determined their needs and wants, they should communicate those to one another.  I find sitting with a written list can help ensure I’m not forgetting anything I felt was important enough to discuss.  I have a tendency to bunny trail a bit…

After having communicated, the relationship can be adjusted to accommodate those agreed-upon aspects, as well as to see what is working and what isn’t.  Perhaps it may even include adding additional elements that had been on the “want” portion of the list but which have transitioned to the “need” portion.  Those things rarely remain static in an individual, let alone a pairing or poly grouping.  This can be similar to a renegotiation, and may involve sitting down with lists again for a conversation, or can be as simple as a few words of agreement as an aspect comes up and requires attention.

I firmly believe that one of the most important characteristics of a healthy long-term relationship dynamic is fluidity.  The ability to adjust to the changes and emergencies life can often bring may make the difference in the longevity of the partnership.

Like any other structure, such as homes or boats, building a relationship dynamic requires time and effort to create something which will not crumble when stormy weather assails it.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Go Get A Cookie

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Dirk Hooper Photography

I was terrified to go to my first munch.  I’m not sure what depravity I was expecting, or maybe it was fear of being judged for the secret kinky things that I wanted and was afraid to share.  Either way, it was frightening.

Daddy and I decided to go early and eat dinner at the location, to get a feel for things.  The food was good, I think, but it might as well have been a plate of broccoli covered in pickle juice for all the interest I had in eating it.  I just kept watching people come in the restaurant and head for the meeting room on the second floor.  Daddy had to reprimand me several times to stop people-watching and eat.

Surprisingly enough, no one was wearing black latex or leather gear in public.  Go figure.  No one had a partner on a leash.  Some had come from work and were in business or business casual attire.  Others were dressed in jeans.  Everyone looked pretty normal.

We finally finished eating and joined the rest of the group.  It was a newcomer munch, and everyone else except the leaders seemed as nervous as I felt.  Most were quiet.

It was a good thing they had a pamphlet.  They had a lot of information to cover.  There was talk of negotiating scenes, etiquette for respecting dynamics at events, what to expect at parties, special interest groups, and so much more.  To be fair, I had learned some of that from my extensive reading, but I imagine it was quite helpful to those without partners or with significantly less experience than we walked into the room with.

I think my favorite concept from our local community, which I have heard in other places as well, is the “Go Get a Cookie,” way of dealing with things.

Say you are at party and there is a particularly intense scene involving needle play.  You happen to have a phobia about needles and watching that makes you feel nauseous and a little dizzy.  What are your options?

Well, you could interrupt the scene and suggest they do that sort of thing somewhere where they won’t offend or upset others.

NOPE!

You could speak with the dungeon monitor and explain that you have an issue with needles and that you’d like the DM to have that scene stopped.

Not your job!

You can go get a cookie.

That’s right.  You walk away.  If you cannot watch needle play without feeling nauseous or faint, you should walk away and not watch.  The people who negotiated that scene have every right to play there in public if they so desire, and the right to do so without your interference.

When you walk away to go get a cookie, perhaps you retreat to the refreshment area and get an actual cookie or a drink.  Maybe that means you step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Either way, it means that you walk away from something you find uncomfortable.

Hopefully, if people want to have a scene which may contain elements that can concern others, they have communicated their intent to the DM, so that if you do happen to speak with that person, he or she can explain that the scene has been negotiated and cleared, and then can suggest that you go get a cookie.

Maybe it isn’t needles that are the problem.  Perhaps it is a scene where the bottom is being kicked or punched, an emotional masochism scene, or a scene involving knives or blood or CNC that bother you.  It is important to remember that people come to events and play in public for their own reasons.  Perhaps the people involved feel safer with public play during their early scenes.  Perhaps they enjoy a little exhibitionism.  It could be more impromptu play, or they may have neighbors who might contact law enforcement about screams.  Whatever their reasons, they deserve the respect and safety of uninterrupted scenes as much as the rest of us.  If it bothers you, go and get a cookie.

There is absolutely no shame in walking away.  We all have areas of discomfort, and they will be different for everyone.  I had zero problems watching a CNC demo scene at a party, but skipped the sounding demo since the thought made me feel flinchy, and I didn’t even have the correct “equipment” to worry about.

The great part about “Go Get a Cookie” is how useful it can be in other areas.  It doesn’t have to be physical.  Don’t like a Facebook post your dad put up about politics?  Go get a cookie.  See something on Fet about someone’s consensual non-consent and you feel the need to immediately explain to them how they are doing it wrong?  Go get a cookie.  These are helpful life skills.

We may not always succeed, but hopefully, the goal of having a kink community is to find some acceptance for our personal kinks.  In order to receive that acceptance, we need to accept others for theirs.  Sometimes that may mean reading something we don’t agree with and just scrolling on past.  I think that is a skill we could all do with a little more of.  Accepting does not mean we have to agree with, watch things, or participate in things which make us uncomfortable, it just means we need to walk away and let others continue with the happiness and enjoyment they find.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

When Something is Broken, Adding More Moving Parts Isn’t Going to Fix It

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I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions in the name of relationship preservation.

A baby

A pet

A marriage

A monogamous partner agreeing to open a relationship

Those first three seem pretty logical.  A relationship with problems isn’t going to improve by adding the stressors of a new pet or an infant and sleepless nights leading to shorter tempers.  While I have never personally tried procreation as method of holding onto someone else, having children certainly hasn’t stopped anyone from having terrible relationships, they just tend to hold people in bad situations for longer than they should have.  This seems to be a general human problem, as I’ve seen its unfortunate side effects in both kinky and vanilla partnerships.

The one I really want to talk about, though, is opening up a relationship.

It seems to be a common misconception that if monogamy isn’t working, attempting an open relationship or some other form of polyamory is a potential solution.

Stop.

Seriously, stop it right there.

Have you ever seen a repairman work on a car or washing machine or a.c. unit?  

Generally, when a part breaks, they suggest replacing it or repairing it.

I have never once heard one suggest rerouting the system and adding some new pieces to get around the broken one.  Not ever.

Oddly enough, I have often heard people suggest opening a relationship to fix the problems, instead of just repairing the broken pieces.

However we each may choose to fashion our polyamory within our own groupings, there are one or two things most can agree must be part of it.  Above all, I would argue that the million dollar word is communication, followed closely by trust. Generally speaking, failing relationships often lack either one or both of those important elements.

Furthermore, if the relationship is deteriorating, what is the motivation for attempting a last ditch save?  Is it a matter of how much time has been expended in pursuit of happiness with this person already or shared possessions or finances?  Better to walk away while those conversations can happen in a more positive manner.

Now, I certainly don’t want to be judgy.  There is one situation in which the act of opening up a relationship which had been monogamous may help, but only if the issue is that one or both partners is polyamorous and monogamy has become the problem.  Even then, this is going to require a lot of communication and reassurance if you plan to move forward with a mono / poly situation. There are, however, support groups for monogamous people with polyamorous partners, both on Fetlife and Facebook, who genuinely desire to help each other find peace with what can be a challenging pairing.

Don’t forget the communication.

It’s the rest of you I’m talking to.  It’s the ones who made it until the kids left home and discovered you no longer know your partner and aren’t sure you like what you see.  It’s the ones who have a serial cheater and think an open relationship will stop the cheating. It’s for the ones who have had a steadily declining sex life who think adding other sexual partners may be the solution.

Okay, well, for that last one, it may actually be the solution- if it is solely a case of vastly different sex drives.  However, if the diminishing frequency of sex is indicative of problems other than unequal drives, the likelihood of an open relationship being the solution to the problem is low.

Where was I?  Oh, yes. Serial cheaters and general incompatibilities.

To preface this, I am not a psychologist. With that being said, my reading and personal experience has indicated that serial cheating can possibly be the manifestation of someone struggling to come to grips with being non-monogamous.  For others, it can be akin to a fetish because there is nothing quite like that thrill of sneaking around and having something forbidden.

Either way, opening a relationship with this person will lack trust.  Best case scenario, the serial cheater becomes happily polyamorous and has all of the variety and companionship their heart desires.  The partner who stayed with them, however, will still have some serious problems trusting them. Sure, now they are seeing other people openly, but what other rules might that person be breaking?  Trust, once broken, is the hardest thing to regain.

For the serial cheater who gets off on the thrill of it, well, they will just find new ways to get that thrill.  Maybe, it will be bringing a lover home to cavort in a shared bed. Maybe, it will be unprotected sex, or something that puts everyone at risk.  It could just be something minor like taking dates to the restaurant only you two go to. That person will find their thrill somehow.

I would argue that there is one more big reason serial cheaters do what they do.  I believe some people lack self-awareness. They understand they aren’t happy with a partner, but lack the capacity to express it or even understand why.  Perhaps they’ve been together a long time and it seems as if they should be happy. These cheaters aren’t going to change their ways when a relationship opens up.  They still subconsciously want out and will find a way to sabotage things the same way they’ve been trying to do all along. They only question is how they finally succeed.

When it comes to attempting to fix general dissatisfaction or incompatibility with a partner, adding more partners isn’t going to change those things.  If this is a relationship you both believe is worth saving, see a counselor or do some serious work and make it a priority. These things didn’t get that way overnight, and they aren’t going to be fixed that way, either.  

For the rest of you who want to open your relationship because you want to have new experiences, or you have so much love to give one person can’t contain it all, or for those who just cannot comprehend monogamy because you feel we are not biologically programmed for it, or because you just don’t want to settle down, I hope you find the happiness that is possible for any type of relationship you desire.

This can happen with two things, of course.

Trust.

Communication.

Because I will always advocate for prioritizing those things in any relationship.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

My Poly Looks Like A Triad

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Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

While every relationship structure I’ve had has grown organically, I can comfortably say that my poly looks like a triad.  I generally feel pretty fulfilled in the male department with one partner. I find I have difficulty splitting my focus effectively and prioritizing too many relationships, so adding another female is about my maximum in attention.

A triad structure can have many of the aspects of polyamorous relationships.  More than two people are emotionally involved. Sometimes two of the trio will be legally married, sometimes pair bonded in another way.  Depending on how individuals agree to form their unit, all parties could potentially be romantic with one another. The single partner in the relationship may want the opportunity to establish a primary partner of their own or may be content solely being an equal partner in the triad.

There will always be a variety of viewpoints on the best way to structure a polyamorous relationship.  Everyone has to find what works for them, and these views are excellent resources for ways to start identifying issues, which will need to be addressed.

The more you read and understand the relationship choices others have made, the less you have to rely on personal trial and error to address some of these issues up front, and the more you can start to identify what will work for your particular situation.

There can often be a bit of a stigma surrounding couples seeking thirds- that it is the man driving the bus with nothing but a desire for additional sexual partners.  Many assume he is keeping his cake and eating it too. I dislike having to reassure people that I am just as interested in another partner, and that we have no intention of hiding her away during holidays like a dirty secret.

I personally feel there is something special about the relationship between two women.  I love having a woman who is closer than a best friend, who I can tell all my dirty secrets to with no judgment, who will shop with me, bake cookies with me, and will generally be part of my life.

That’s how I envision my poly.  Weekly house meetings, chore assignments, holiday planning, baking for group gifts, sharing family recipes and traditions, watching Scrooged and the Grinch at Christmas. In short, just a big, loving group of people who have chosen to intertwine their lives.

Please keep in mind that hierarchical polyamory can often be hurtful to additional partners. The real question seems to be: How can we structure things to avoid some of those pitfalls?

For those who want a triad: Outside of partners needing to agree on the person they include in their relationship, I believe the individuals need to avoid segmenting pieces of their lives.  Other than simply not repeating pet names, I think it’s more beneficial to avoid limiting relationship possibilities.

Depending on the person, that arrangement might not work.  Some people want more or less space, or have specific needs which need to be filled in order to feel loved. What works for us, may not work for you. I am merely sharing my opinions and experiences.

It is important to remember that every group of individuals should negotiate their relationship structures to meet their needs.  The more people you invite to a party, the more planning you should probably do.

How will time be balanced between partners to avoid having anyone feel secondary however they may be identified by a partner?

How will you present to friends and family, and how will holidays be handled?

In my opinion, no matter how long two of the triad may have been together, it is important that the third be treated as an equal partner during the negotiation process. All parties should make expectations clear during the negotiating process and continue to communicate for the entire duration of the relationship.

As BDSM practitioners, we add additional complexities to our relationships.   A poly triad can have a one Dom(me), two submissive structure, but that isn’t a necessity.  It could just as easily contain a Dominant, a submissive, and a switch. Although I am not entirely sure how this would work, there could also be a Dominant, Co-Dominant, and submissive. The possibilities are endless as long as everything is consented to by all people involved.

I have both been the addition to an existing couple as well as the female portion of a couple adding another female.  Each have held challenges. As part of the couple, we encouraged our third to seek additional relationships as she desired, and she presented as our roommate.  It truly was a blended family, and a very happy one for many years. Still, even when you do a good job of communicating expectations up front (we didn’t), you can still have communication issues later.

It can be the things you don’t think of.  We talked about relationships, and forgot to worry about sharing chores.  Sex was discussed, but not division of bills (this topic was important since we all lived together).

There are definitely times I agree with Sheldon.  Drawing up agreements, whether you consider them to be contracts or just laying down expectations, can be the glue that binds relationships together no matter how they are structured.

I know advising communication is probably the most often repeated mantra in the Kink Community, but only because it really is essential.  You can’t trust someone who doesn’t share their feelings productively. When this occurs, eventually the relationship will fail.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.