Christmas Bunny

It doesn’t take much, just a moment really.

The wrong interaction at the wrong time can be enough.

You see, I’m a little odd.  I thought when I was younger that I was an extrovert.  I wanted to be out among people, the energy of a crowd uplifting me.

Maybe it was one of the many things to get emotionally beaten out of me during my first marriage, or maybe it’s a function of aging and just feeling like I don’t need those things anymore.  I don’t claim the title of extrovert anymore.

But am I an introvert?  Well, I don’t know.  It is certainly an easier title to claim, especially when I’m feeling like peopling is too much.

The thing is, I extrovert for a living.  I go to work and I people.  Some days I’m still good for more peopling by the end.  Others, I may have encountered a difficult situation or one which simply requires a lot of my focus and energy, and I’ll be out of peopling spoons in three hours.

For those who aren’t familiar with talk of spoons – I think of it sometimes as mana.  It is a ball of energy and every action requires a mana cast.  Some cost one point, others may cost as many as five or ten.  When my mana is drained, I can’t easily accomplish additional actions.  I need to recharge.  That may be kneeling for my Dominant, or it could require a full night’s sleep, or a hot bath or any number of things that can help me refresh and restart.

Some of the things that drain my mana, or use my spoons, I can predict, because they made appointments and I know by now how it will go.  Others are a surprise, like my car battery dying suddenly a few months back, which threw my day into chaos, ending with me crying in a Sam’s parking lot because the person who had committed to giving me a jump took so long I missed the time the automotive department closed, resulting in me being told they basically gave zero fucks that my car was stranded in their parking lot.  Turns out other people didn’t care either, and they all looked the other way as they hustled to their cars, pretending they didn’t see me.

Needless to say, I had no spoons left for a trip out to drop off new prototypes with people I’d promised them to, despite my sadistically gleeful desire to get them in the hands of my testers.

Good news is that my spoons (or mana) recharge fairly quickly.  A little down time with Daddy and some hugs and I’m usually at least able perform basic normal functions, if not be able to put on my extrovert hat and play hostess or go to a scheduled event.

But sometimes shit’ll happen that drains my spoons for their use in a specific situation or event.  I call those things spoon eaters.  It might be Daddy getting upset about the kitchen being messy, then I feel reluctantly adverse to going grocery shopping.  It might be us having a misunderstanding about a specific event or what his intentions may be for it, and then me not wanting to attend because the thought of doing so makes my stomach feel as though it has been tied in knots.  It’s like conflict completely drains any excitement and energy I had focused on that activity and I would rather do just about anything else as an alternative.

He used to mistake it for passive aggression – like I didn’t get my way, so I just didn’t want to do something.  But it isn’t that.  It is a sick feeling in my stomach over the thought of doing that thing.  I still can, sure, but the liklihood of me enjoying it or participating in anything more than a quietly timid manner is somewhere around 5%. Not good odds, is what I’m saying.  The Spoon Eater had a meal, and if I get my way, I will stay home quietly on the couch, self-soothing with leatherwork, beating myself up for any point of interaction leading to the Spoon Eater’s arrival when I felt I’d committed a misstep.

I suppose I can be grateful that at least it isn’t staying home having shower arguments.  Real life never ends up going the way those do.

I have found that the current situation we all find ourselves in has a huge effect on the way I handle conflict or stress.  I see similar struggles in the people around me.  Relationships that had some communication issues which seemed as if they could be overcome back in February suddenly became hostile, issues insurmountable.  I see people snapping at others for things they would have let pass three months ago, taking their aggressions out wherever they can.

All of these things can make motivation feel like a struggle.  It may mean I am less functional for a day and need to concentrate on self care.  I see a hundred “todays” stretching out before me, all thoughts of future events burned to the ground.  When today is too much, it may mean I need time to think of other things, read a book, or do what I can to unwind.

Anyone can feel as though they are running low on spoons or mana.  It is important that we all do our bests to treat others with compassion.  We need to learn to walk away from arguments or situations we know will drain us for the things we want to do.  And above all, we need to be kind to ourselves when we struggle, not having unreasonable expectations in a trying time.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Consent violations.

We dread hearing about the next one to happen in our community.  Those poor submissives and bottoms have really got to look out for predators in the community, stick together.

But what happens when the violator isn’t the top?

What if a bottom withholds pertinent information from a top because they want to punish or out of a selfish desire to get what they want?  We don’t even have to make the violation sexual for it to be a serious enough breech of trust to state that the submissive is unsafe.

I’d go so far as to say dangerous.

I know of one, in fact.  Honestly, it chills me hearing about the next person they are going to scene with through the grapevine, knowing what I know about how much they hurt an amazing, well-respected top.

It’s funny how often bottoms will do intensive work to vet a top for scening, yet not once have I ever been approached by a top to vet a fellow submissive or bottom, or been asked about their character or experience.  Vetting shouldn’t be a one-way street, with only the tied or impacted checking for danger.  Tops are risking things, too, though risk to a top is more often psychological.  What we do is in direct opposition to the societal standards most of us had instilled from young ages, and hiding information from a top to hurt them isn’t teaching them a “lesson,” but rather impacting them with harm more lasting than any bruise I’ve ever received from impact.

If you’re going to tie someone, suspend someone, or give them impact, don’t you want to know they haven’t lied to or violated the trust or consent of others they’ve interacted with?

That seems the very least you can do to protect yourself as a top.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

“I’m proud of you,” the voice of my soon-to-be-ex-husband praised me.

I stared at the phone dispassionately.  Was he really going to have the nerve to say those words to me right before our divorce was finalized?

I hung up the phone shortly afterwards, and I could feel fury begin to grow inside of me.  But why was I so thoroughly angry at one small sentence?

“I’m proud of you.”  It can come with a myriad of emotions.

When I hear it from someone who has known me through my journey, it is a compliment, a celebration of my growth and accomplishments.  They are telling me they know how far I’ve come from where I started, and that they know my struggles and the work I have put into something.  They have watched my failure and seen me turn that failure into new beginnings, into success at long last.  It is said with the love of someone who knows the struggles inside of me and accepts me despite my failings and the moments of ugliness instead of beauty, someone who has supported me along the way.  In truth, they helped me reach my goals by being there for me.  That someone who helped on my journey is proud of what I’ve overcome is a powerful and amazing thing to hear from someone I respect.

“I’m proud of you.”

When I hear it from someone who has known me but refused to acknowlege my growth it becomes a tragic irony.  What exactly does someone have to be proud of when they haven’t truly seen the struggle?  Can they really take pride in my accomplishments when they weren’t part of helping me get there?  I don’t think so.

My anger at my ex husband can be explained by his absence.  He wasn’t there to see me struggle.  He wasn’t there to watch me work hard and overcome difficulty.  How dare he take credit for having a presence in my life that helped me accomplish something?  If anything, he created emotions I had to struggle against and put obstacles in my path.  I succeeded despite rather than because of him.  An apology would have been more appropriate than taking credit for any imagined assistance given.

“I’m proud of you.”

It can be jarring to hear those words from a stranger.  Why would someone who hasn’t seen my journey be at all proud?  Is it because I am a female Maker in a male dominated craft?  That’s hardly something to be proud of me for.  It is more just a fact I accept.  Is it because I work hard to create quality?  That’s hardly something a stranger should take pride in.  Rather, they should appreciate it since it will mean their purchase will likely have a long life.

As a submissive female Maker, I often feel at a disadvantage when vending alone.  Most of the other kink vendors seem to be predominantly male, or at least it strongly seems that way.  When my male partner is in the booth with me, most people who don’t know us begin by assuming he is the builder, a misconception he quickly corrects.  It can be challenging enough to feel both respected and comfortable in those environments without feeling as though someone else has stolen some of the credit for my accomplishments.  Having someone claim pride in my accomplishments gives me the feeling that they are claiming some sort of credit for what I have worked for.  The only people who get credit for my work are my partner, who has supported and encouraged me on my path, even when it seemed silly for him to do so, and the man who patiently answered my questions and guided me on my journey, even going so far as to mail me tools and materials to help me learn from afar.  For either of them to say they are proud is a moment of blissful happiness, a celebration when I allow myself to reflect upon my journey.

That is neither to be taken nor given lightly.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Power exchange.  It isn’t everyone’s kink.  It’s easy to feel like that is such a common flavor, it can seem like it is mixed in with everything.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Take me, for example.  I absolutely adore smackin’ dat ass.  I will happily have an hour + long aerobic workout comprised of nothing but hitting someone with stuff.

But that’s it.

I don’t want to tell them what to do, or even tie them to something, since binding still implies power in the hands of the person doing the tying.  The minute that’s on the table I nope right out.  What I give is in service, and while my inner sadist certainly enjoys it, it is nowhere near the land of In Charge.  I certainly don’t call myself a Switch, and only rarely even mention that I have done some minimal service topping.

From the bottom, though?  From there I want no power.  That’s part of why I’m so picky about scening with people.  Giving away my power is not something I take lightly. It will only only go to someone responsible that I can put a heavy amount of trust and faith in.

To be clear, I’m not discussing educational bottoming, when we are demoing flogging or teaching someone and I give them pointers to assist with their strikes.  I don’t see that as an intimate exhange, and in those cases, generally the person doing the hitting rarely hits me more than ten times or so.  What I’m talking about is when I’m consensually engaged in some sort of bdsm activity with someone I trust.

Once upon a time I had a “dom.”  I say that in lower case and with quotations because in my opinion, he was a top who also liked to bottom.  We didn’t have a contract or an official dynamic set in place, but he considered himself dominant to me.  He wanted to play at being in charge when it came to the bedroom, but the minute I wanted him to take charge of something in our regular life, he threw it back at me.  He couldn’t control his temper or any of his other emotions, and he wouldn’t even take care of simple things like contacting the cable company or the phone company to clear up an issue.  I made the money, was expected to handle any issues which arose, take care of dinner at night, and then suddenly flip a switch and become obedient in the bedroom.

Needless to say, I lost respect for him as our relationship progressed.  I discovered that while I can physically do the things we do in the shadows with someone I neither respect nor defer to, it also means spending a great deal of time in the quiet place in my head.  I didn’t trust him to take care of life, and I sure as hell didn’t trust him with my safety or my submission.  When we split up, he still thought I was a top-leaning switch because I spent so much time efficiently handling our business.

I’d had a fantasy most of my life of having a partner who embodied the masculine traits that society deems valuable while still nurturing me.  I pretty much thought it was exactly what I called it – nothing but fantasy.  No way was I going to find someone who had the inner strength I was looking for.  I wanted someone with their shit together, who knew what they wanted and how to control their temper.  I wasn’t looking for emotional outbursts, passive aggressive behavior, or broken promises, which are really just using another word for lies.

I wanted someone who could communicate and someone who understood himself, because someone who couldn’t control himself did some serious damage to me once upon a time.  Frankly, I can easily see the connection in hindsight, and the last thing I plan to do is repeat mistakes that leave scars that big.  Pass.

Want to call yourself a capital D and not just a top or a sadist?  First, learn to control yourself.  Then maybe you can take the steps to learn how to build a healthy power exchange with a person.

Perhaps.  That level of responsibility isn’t for everyone.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.