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Christmas Bunny

I’ll Share My Daddy But I Won’t Share My Name

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DD/bg (or lg or however you label yours) can be a tricky thing to combine with poly.  It is easy to feel that the strength of the bond prohibits the inclusion of others.

Generally, it tends to be a nurturing relationship, and from what I’ve seen and experienced, can be a bit symbiotic.  Much like adding a sibling can have a period of adjustment, so, too, can adding additional partners to this style of relationship.

Imagine, if you will, that it requires a similar adaptation as going from being an only child to having to share the attention with a new baby, one requiring a lot of attention as the bonding is still in process (also constant crying and feeding and diapers, but that’s less relevant, I think).

I’ve seen people say they prefer monogamy for this style of relationship, and it is definitely true that I see more of the monogamous kink relationships fall under this heading.  That does not, however, mean polyamory is impossible.  It just means it may take a little more navigational assistance.

If nurturing is the default response of domination, the top of the slash partner may find this type of relationship becomes the most likely outcome when beginning any sort of long-term power exchange partnership.  Nurturing two is hardly a leap from nurturing one.

Problems can arise when the bottom of the slash gets scared or jealous.  Some people tend to feel less jealousy when partners seek things we have no hope of providing, such as a bisexual female seeking out a female companion.  They may feel more jealousy when it seems there is another person filling the same roles with their partner that they do.  At that point they may think, why even have two partners?  I am clearly replaceable.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve found one of the ways to separate the concept of my Daddy relationship from another small’s relationship with my Daddy is to choose different pet names.  While we both may address him as Daddy, it is critical for me that he address us differently.  For him to use my pet name, babygirl, with someone else feels bad, wrong to me.  She can have anything else she likes, such as princess or angel or anything else her heart desires.  By having separate petnames, in my mind, it establishes our dynamics as individual things.

It also helps when the DD makes a concerted effort to maintain as many of the standard routines and practices even while juggling new relationship energy.  By showing the first small she is still valued and still receives attention, it reduces the likelihood of serious sibling rivalry issues.

We forget that each relationship takes its own path.  By setting aside insecurities and giving new “siblings” a chance, sometimes we have the opportunity to form close bonds we might have missed out on otherwise.

Tops can fall into traps, too.  When a relationship has progressed from the learning stage, where we begin to learn to communicate specifically with that partner, to the comfort stage, it can be easy to skip steps with new partners, forgetting that the development of that dynamic may need to progress just as slowly as their first one did.  Communication has to be a two-way street.  If only one person is participating, often things fall apart quickly.  This is even more important when adding to a DD/bg relationship.  The smalls need to find balance and learn to communicate with each other as well, whether or not their relationship is a sexual one.  Communication now must go three ways instead of two.

One way we have addressed that in the past has been to have group chats for the three of us.  All discussions happened together, with the exception of financial conversations which involved only our household bills, since we are nesting partners.  Even when he and I were sharing simple things, such as when we left work or arrived home, it kept his other small part of things.

There are lots of different ways people have found security while sharing a power exchange partner.  The important thing is to discover what essential needs must continue to be met in order to ensure overall happiness for everyone involved.  Someone new coming in can feel like an outsider at first, and remembering to treat them with dignity and respect rather than as an interloper can go a long way towards healthier relationships for everyone involved.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication 101: Being Honest With Someone Else

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Communication can be a challenging thing.  I advocate practicing until it becomes natural.  Recently, I suggested beginning the communication process by taking some time and being honest with yourself about your feelings, since it is impossible to be honest with a partner if we don’t know what we want, or are unwilling to admit it to ourselves.

That is the first step.

Once you know what you want, the challenge becomes how best to express that to a partner.  We have strong beliefs in our society that we have to conceal our emotions, lest we be thought of as overly emotional or weak.

I like to call my variant of communication “Diplomatic Honesty.”

My first rule for myself is to never communicate important issues when I am overly emotional about them.  As tempting as it is to shove my hurt or anger at someone else and force a response, it is rarely a healthy solution, and generally does not provide positive results.  Waiting until my emotions are no longer overwhelming may mean an hour, and in some cases, it may mean I need to sleep on it.  If during this time my partner inquires as to my emotional state, rather than the stock, “I’m fine,” (which would be a lie, to be clear), I instead let him know that I’m having some feelings and I need a little time to process them.  He has learned to respect this time, and we can discuss the issue when I am ready.

Once I have finished processing and am more calm, I find quiet time when I can discuss my feelings with my partner.  Let’s say for the sake of discussion that he has informed me that he has realized he has romantic love for another partner and my initial response was a wave of jealousy.  After having been honest with myself about why I had that feeling (fear that he’ll love her more than he loves me, that she’s prettier, nicer, better in bed, or that our relationship will change), I need to be honest with him that I had it, even if I feel it has been resolved.  Honesty isn’t just about select moments or when it is convenient.  If I had an emotion which might have an effect on our relationship, he needs to know.

During that quiet time, I have to be open to the possibility that there are things I haven’t considered, and that those may be pointed out to me.  A discussion should be about learning on both sides.

Once we’ve sat down, I touch my partner in a loving way.  We maintain loving physical contact during these discussions, as we find it helps us keep perspective and avoid losing our tempers.  This is how I would handle the issue I described.

“Daddy, I want to tell you that I had some feelings.  When you told me you love [Insert Name Here], I felt a twinge of jealousy.  After doing some thinking, I realized it brought up some old insecurities.”

At that point we can discuss.  I didn’t blame him for the issue, but instead let him know what my feeling was and why I believed it was happening, so we could deal with it together.

Diplomatic.  No blaming.  This happened.  These are my feelings.  Conversations can be very productive if we have consideration for our partners.

Their job is to listen and respond with intent to solve, rather than to blame in turn.  This is a two-person (or more) job.

So for the partners, when someone you love comes to you with concerns, feelings, a conversation that needs to happen, take a breath.  We all have imperfections, so it is important to avoid feeling or responding defensively.  Denying an issue won’t solve it.  A conversation and some compromise will.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication 101: Be Honest With Yourself

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Communication is a tricky beast.  You can’t communicate your feelings with someone else if you haven’t taken the time to process them and be honest with yourself.

I say again for the people in the back:  you can’t be honest with a partner or partners if you lie to yourself.

We have strange relationships with feelings in our society.  We like to believe some feelings are bad, and that we need to stop having them.  The truth is, feelings are just that:  feelings.  They aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  By giving ourselves permission to have feelings rather than trying to stamp them down, we leave room to explore the roots of those feelings and work towards emotions we find more pleasurable.

This is where the honesty with self comes in.

Let’s take a look at jealousy.

We tend to look at jealousy as a negative emotion.  People get a little uppity when they talk about it:  well, I’m not a jealous person.  The thing we forget is that jealousy can help us.  It is much like a weather vane before a storm.  It can tell us that some need isn’t being met.  Sometimes that need is emotional security.  Sometimes it is a need unrelated to the relationship in question, such as a need for more general positive attention, perhaps at work, or a need for more balance at home if there is a great deal of unrest or turmoil.  Being able to recognize and explore the root of jealousy when it occurs can help us find better solutions to create relief.

I hate to go there, but when looking at this next negative emotion, sadness, the movie Inside Out is actually pretty great.  Sadness can help motivate us, and help bond us with our friends, partners, and chosen family.  Taking the time to explore the reasons we are sad, such as fear of loss, can help point us in other directions for healing.  Anxiety can have similar function.  I was able to explore my own anxieties to uncover fear of abandonment.  Although working through that fear has been a painful process rather than a quick, easy fix, finding and soothing some of those old wounds has ultimately improved my overall happiness and satisfaction.

The first thing we need to do when faced with a negative emotion is stop and remind ourselves it is okay to have those feelings, though we don’t want to bathe in them and exacerbate the problem.

Once we have taken a moment, a breath, we can ask ourselves why we think we are feeling those things.  While understanding the surface cause is important, since that sparked the emotion, it is also important to dig a little deeper.

Without taking the time to truly understand ourselves, there is absolutely no way to communicate what we need to a partner.

I have used the example of the Marvel movies before as one of the few rules in our relationship.  Early on, my Daddy and I couldn’t schedule time to go see Thor:  The Dark World with each other.  He made plans to go with friends opening night.  Afterwards, I realized how much it meant to me that we take that time and go see those movies together.  It wasn’t instantaneous, though.  I didn’t just realize I was experiencing jealousy the moment he arrived home.  It came in stages, as the preview came on while we were sitting together over the next couple of weeks.  Once I finally realized it was bothering me, I had to understand why.  It was something I saw as special that related back to childhood things that I needed to acknowledge as part of my foundation.  Once I understood myself, I was able to sit down with him and express those feelings in a way that made me feel heard without coming across as hurtful or blaming.

But that’s another story!

Until then, the next time you find yourself struggling with negative emotions, remember to stop, take a moment to reflect, and if necessary, let your partner or partners know that while you have some things to share, you need to spend some time processing where your emotions are coming from.

And good luck!

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

No One’s Ex Owns The Scene

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I’ve tried to write this piece before.  Unfortunately, it is hard to talk about things which upset us when we are still emotional.  So this took some time.

We all have ex-people.  Maybe it is an ex-friend, an ex-play partner, an ex-lover, spouse, whatever.  Some relationship stopped moving forward for all of us and we walked away or were left behind.  Maybe we get along fine with our exes or maybe the split was hostile enough that we avoid them.

It may compound the issue if you have some communication challenges with one another.  Perhaps you both struggle to find harmony in their feelings of being wronged, whatever the situation may have been.

We all do so enjoy being the good guy.

Childish behavior may occur.  Staring across the room, deliberate ignoring, even some grouping with friends may happen.

If the other person has been part of their local scene longer, it can feel like an uphill battle.  It might be tempting to walk away, particularly when spotting that person’s name on a Fet event that you’d like to attend.  When people have a lot of friends in their local scene can feel as if they hold the advantage in social situations.

I tend to be a little nervous around people.  As someone for whom big gatherings are a bit scary anyhow, it would be easy to give up on my local scene after having a partnership dissolve.  Whether a casual play relationship that ended in hard feelings or a romantic one that did, the temptation exists to just avoid local events.

Our city is a big place, and Daddy and I have limited time.  You won’t see us at three events every weekend.  You might see us twice a month.  Tops.

When there are groups for submissives, switches, tops, spankos, swingers, book readers, poly people, gamers, short people, littles, primals, and any number of other special interests, plus several larger groups to choose from, one would think it would be easy to safely avoid attending the same things as people we’d prefer to avoid.  We often choose to attend larger events for the classes offered or because our schedules don’t always make attendance at the special interest events possible.  Unfortunately, larger events mean a higher likelihood of having that awkward moment when I hear the person I didn’t want to see standing directly behind my back and very loudly talking but pretending to ignore my presence.

So as someone who had a hard time joining the local scene in the first place, I find moments like that hideous and hurtful.  I also find them good reasons to arrive early and leave early.  Like, thanks for the spanking, it was fun, hate to spank and run, but I have to work in the morning, or some such.

There is one group I can safely say I will never attend now, since my instinct is to avoid awkwardness rather than to court it.  Others I will have to really want to learn what they have scheduled or have plans with friends to find it worth driving across town.  Knowing the possibility exists that I will spend the whole event feeling uncomfortable, it makes me less inclined to drive 45 minutes to and from and pay a cover charge for the experience.

So all of that makes it tempting to just let them have it all.  Let the exes and broken relationships keep the parties and the people.  We already have our own group in a slightly different area, and have a lot of fun together.  We don’t need play parties to enjoy the company of other kinksters.

But we refuse to give up our community.  We may not be as well known, but we also haven’t done anything to deserve not being included.  We will persevere.  Daddy and I will continue to go to events when they have educational opportunities we desire (when we can schedule them).  We will go and say hello to friends, perhaps making some new ones.  He will hold my hand and remind me that one person doesn’t own the local scene, and we have as much right to be there as anyone else.

And when perseverance needs a break, we’ll enjoy the group we’ve built, a small family in its infancy.

Because our ex doesn’t own our local scene.

Neither does yours.

Note:  This is in reference to regular relationships dissolving rather than consent violations or predators in the scene.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Accepting the Humanity In Our Community

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We all understand that we are imperfect creatures.  Whatever this mysterious “perfection” is, it is nothing attainable by humans.  Our art will not be exactly symmetrical, our live music will be flawed in some manner, and even our bodies are not reflective from one half to the other.

Yet we find beauty in symmetry, both in nature and in each other.  We hold up examples of humans who are more symmetrical as a standard of attractiveness.  We seek their perfection.

Yet it cannot truly be found.

Just so, none of us are examples of perfection in temperament.  We will make mistakes, have lapses in judgement, and even simply have bad days.  That shows in all of our relationships.

For me in particular, I see Daddy’s imperfections handled with so much honesty and integrity that it makes me admire Him even more.

When we began our journey together, we had a serious conversation about mistakes, about accidents.  What we do has risk and holds danger, and we don’t ever treat that lightly, despite our occasional silliness or playfulness.  We understand that the longer we play together, the closer our chances get to 100% probability of an incident.

In fact, we have had issues.  There have been scenes between us when we didn’t quite find our rhythm and things felt off, often due to outside stressors or influences.  Earlier on, we tripped hidden land mines from my prior negative experiences which induced a panic attack.  We have had two of those, one not scene-related, and happily it has been over a year since the last.

He takes responsibility for His part in problems, and doesn’t believe that His role in our relationship as Leader gifts Him with magical infallibility or perfection.  When something goes wrong, whether during physical play or just in an emotional sense, He owns His part.

He has gifted me with high standards.

I see the honor with which He composes Himself, and when I interact with others who do not maintain those standards, I struggle.  I struggle with them as people and with them as community members or leaders.  My issues come with people who do not seem to hold themselves to values of right and wrong.  My issues come with people who seem to make our community into high school cliques.  My issues come with those it seems must believe in their rightness to the exclusion of all else.  My issues come with those who lie and still call themselves great communicators.  I struggle with those who do not welcome newcomers to our world, those who are the Gatekeepers of Kink, mocking instead of helping.

I see those characteristics in so many people.  To me, they seem to stand firm on the hill upon which they have chosen to make their stands and will not be moved.

Is part of the issue that those nobler behaviors exist in them and I just don’t see them?  They can be easy to overlook when they don’t conform to my personal view of honor.  When we see people online, or even in public, we only see snapshots, small moments in time.

I have a very black or white mentality in some areas.  Perhaps that leaves me as the judgmental one, the one with the glaring flaws, looking down upon perfectly good and kind folk I have judged based upon one moment of interaction I witnessed or experienced.

Me?

I just want to be a good person, to my partner and to everyone else I encounter.  Is that what I show others?  Am I living up to my own expectations?

We all want to live up to our own ideals.  Perhaps I need to accept the humanity in others rather than expecting them to live up to mine.

After all, we are one community, united in kink, whether we all like one another or not.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Lawnmower Man

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Her fingers worked against her own swollen slickness, faster then slower as she tried to reach orgasm.  Frustrated, she repositioned to her stomach, shoving her arm underneath her body to begin again.

Her clitoris was completely engorged, and she flicked desperately at it with her fingers, legs spread and ass elevated slightly as she moaned.

It was driving her crazy.  She had been at this all morning on her day off.  This single stuff was agonizing.  She longed for the penetration, the aching fullness of a cock sliding home, the discipline, the implements, the hair pulling… not just a sex partner, but a Daddy, and it was so much harder to find the right fit.

Her mind drifted.  She was having so much difficulty focusing on her own pleasure.  It was odd.  When she had had a Daddy before, he had the ability to completely center her and the other thoughts just drifted away under her attention.  Her attempts at self-pleasure in the last few months since their split had grown increasingly more and more infuriating.  This time she had been at it for an hour.

She caught a glimpse of movement from the corner of her eye and turned her head to get a better view of the muted porn playing on the screen.  Whips cracking, the man in the video forcefed his cock to a bound female with a blindfold covering her eyes.

She tried to focus on the porn, imagining it was her bound and whipped.  The fingers of one hand stroked back and forth frantically as she groped for her glass dildo with the other.  Not finding it near her hand, she attempted a few ass smacks from underneath before finally flopping to her back angrily with an exhalation of sheer annoyance.

“I could give you some assistance,” came a deep masculine voice with a hint of Southern drawl, “but from the looks of that porn, I’m going to want some enthusiastic consent first.”

She screamed loudly and yanked the covers up to her breasts, reaching for her cell phone.

The rugged specimen in her bedroom took a small step forward, hand extended.  “No need for that, ma’am.  I’m here with the lawn service.  You said to let ourselves in and get the check, but it wasn’t on the counter.  I heard sound from this room, so I knocked, but you didn’t answer.  Once I came in, I could see why.”  He paused, eyeing her on the bed where she had stopped screaming.  “You seemed a little…caught up in the moment to notice, and I didn’t want to interrupt.”

She realized with embarrassment that she had forgotten she had scheduled the service that day.  The man didn’t look familiar, but she usually wasn’t here when they worked.  He hadn’t moved any closer and she began to relax.  She glanced at the floor, unable to meet his eyes out of sheer embarrassment.

She attempted to stammer out a response, but realizing she had no idea how to handle being caught violently masturbating.  She realized the porno continued silently on the screen in view of both of them, and that the man had switched to fucking the bound girl hard and deep from behind.  She made a grab for the remote on the nightstand, turning it off as quickly as she could and avoided looking in the general area of the stranger’s crotch.

He was laughing.  Goddammit.

“What’s so funny?” she demanded angrily.

“You seem suddenly shy for someone who was so enthusiastic about sex less than five minutes ago,” he said, with laughter still in his voice.

“You’re a stranger,” she said with hostility.  “In my bedroom.  This is my private space.  I certainly wouldn’t have done any of that if I had known you were watching.  I’d like you to leave.”

“Are you sure?” he asked.  “I offered to negotiate to give you what you are clearly pretty desperate for, but if you aren’t interested, I can wait in the kitchen for you to put on clothes and write a check.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, hostility replaced by suspicion.

“I mean,” he responded, ” I can dominate you the way you are craving, and give that wet, needy little cunt the release it demands.  Or not.  Your choice.”

His face was dispassionate, as if he didn’t care about her answer one way or another.  She let her eyes drift south and saw no telltale bulge despite him recently witnessing all of her assets on display, and quite prominently at that.

Her resolve wavered.  This is a stranger, she reminded herself.  She hesitated.  It was tempting.  She was still so wet.  The embarrassment had only made her arousal more demanding.  He had stopped to negotiate rather than walking up to a stranger masturbating and sticking his cock in her.  She knew where he worked if he violated their agreement, and since she hardly ever saw the lawn service employees, if she wanted to avoid him in the future, that would be easy enough.

“Agreed,” she said breathlessly.  “Please, oh, please just make my wet little pussy cum all over your cock.”

“Where are your toys?” he asked calmly.  She responded by indicating towards the trunk at the foot of her bed.  He opened it and a look of pleasant surprise crossed his handsome face.

“On your stomach,” his first demand came, much deeper than before, and she obeyed.  “Given the… situation, I’m going to leave you unbound.”

He started towards her with a look of intense purpose in his eyes, and she obeyed quickly, sighing in satisfaction for the first time in a long time.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidentally got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Factory Fuck

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The woman leaned forward slightly over her crossed legs, interest flickering across her expression.  “So you’re saying you’d be interested in touring and possibly investing in our humble little operation, Mr…”
“Smith,”  came the response.
“Yes, of course,” she said with a professional smile.  She had learned long ago to school her expressions, and managed to keep her eyebrow from twitching in disbelief.  “You may call me Jane.”
She got to her feet and gestured for him to follow.  She led the way to a long corridor.  She spoke as they walked.
“I’m sure you understand the concept, yes?”  she queried.  Noticing his quick head shake, she continued.  “Our natural resources are finite.  We can’t make more natural minerals.  What we can make more of is people.  There are millions of people who are desperate for work, wanting to contribute to a society that is increasingly more and more automated, making their very presence obsolete.”
She paused in front of a set of double doors.
“But what if we could make the very energy they hold in their bodies the solution to the problem?  Our overpopulation becomes an asset rather than a detriment, as we harness the most natural renewable resource of all.”
She flung open the doors for effect, knowing this portion of the tour had a surprising effect on visitors.
Rows of men and women were harnessed to machines.  The harnesses appeared to be made of a soft leather and fully supported their bodies in a variety of positions.  Some women rode mechanical cocks, screaming their ecstasy, pausing for a moment, then continuing.  Others were on hands and knees as the machines thrust into them from behind, while still others lay prone, rubbing engorged clitorises and letting the machines do the work.
As one orgasmed, she pressed a button and moved the machine to an alternate configuration, taking a drink of water, and impaling herself upon the machine cock once more.
The men were both solo and paired with women or men.  The solo men slid socks into lubricated machine pussies until releasing their fluids, while the ones who had partners had to pause go release into the machines.
Mr. Smith was riveted to the sight as Jane continued her explanation.
“Our workers have to pass a series of tests for suitability, but it often surprises even the ones who take the exam.  Some people apply thinking it’s an easy, well, pardon the expression, but an easy ride.”  She smirked as she said it.  “They take four hour shifts, and the energy of their continued emissions powers all of the electricity in the neighboring town.  It is our demonstration unit.”
“We have found that while all of our women can be stimlated and release the necessary emissions without partners, some of our men need a little more assistance.”
The moaning, thrusting, sliding and spurting continued all around them.
Mr. Smith cleared his throat twice.  “What does it feel like?”
Jane laughed, a melodious sound like bells ringing.  “It feels like sex, my dear sir.”  She eyed his visible erection.  “Does the sight of all these sweating and screaming bodies make you wish you’d applied as a worker rather than offering financial backing?”
He could barely speak.  “May I…”  He cleared his throat again.
That melodious laugh came again.  “Would you like to try it?”  She kept the mocking from her tone.  These visitors were so predictable.
“Yes, please,” he stammered.
“I have the financial backing papers prepared here, along with a consent form for the machines, if you’d be so kind as to sign,” she said, handing him contracts and a pen.
He barely glanced at them, signing quickly as his eyes lingered on the cocks sliding in and out of soaked cunts, the pussies riding phallic machines and screaming their pleasure.
She reviewed them quickly and placed them in a conveyer slot to be whisked back to her office.
Leading him to a machine, she had him strip down.  “I’ll take care of your clothes myself,” she said.  He found the opening soft and wet and began thrusting his already erect cock into the hole.
She smiled as she walked back to her office.
Tapping her intercom button, she informed the boss that not only had she gotten another trust fund moron to sign over his fortune, but also his freedom, as the potency drug the machine was coated with was immediately addictive, creating a never ending supply of sex slaves to battery power first the city.
Then the world.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

What Society Tells Us

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There is a path we are conditioned to believe we have to follow.  Societal expectations tell us to follow the path of tradition.

We meet someone special.  We realize something special is happening and dating becomes exclusive.  We take it to the next stage and we move in together.  Marriage is the next step and children are the end goal.

I know some people call that the relationship escalator.  From the moment we step on board a new relationship, there is a predetermined destination.  Our feet are locked in place and short of jumping off of the escalator, we know where it leads.  Our only real choice when we succumb is how fast we ascend.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Some relationships may be limited due to distance or time, and nothing says they can’t be just as healthy or as viable just because moving in or marriage isn’t on the table.  By embracing polyamory fully, often it means accepting a relationship for whatever it is, not what society expects it to be.

The Long Distance Relationship

Perhaps two people have built a dynamic long distance.  One lives in the United States, the other in Canada.  Travel is expensive.  They see each other as often as they can afford it, sometimes meeting at events which both fulfil a need to participate in a hobby and their need to spend time together.  Neither has plans to move.

Absolutely nothing says this relationship cannot fill a need for both of them for a long period of time.  This is still a healthy and viable relationship.

The Busy Third

A woman and a man have built a connection.  After she gets to know his existing female partner, she builds a relationship with both of them.  Unfortunately, she is quite busy with regular life things, and she still has spawn to attend to.  She can’t give either of her partners as much attention as she’d like, but she does her best to balance things.  They have each other to help satisfy their needs for attention when she is busy with her family.  One or both of them are available to her whenever she needs someone, and despite having no plans to move in together, all are blissfully happy.

Absolutely nothing says this relationship cannot fill a need for all three of them for a long period of time.  This is still a healthy and viable relationship.

The Additional D/s Relationship

A happily nested male desires to give his submission to someone.  His partner is a lovely person but has no desire or skill to be dominant over him.  He seeks outside the existing relationship and finds a dominant who is willing to accept his non-sexual submission.

This new relationship is just as valid and viable, filling a need for the involved individuals despite not being a sexual one.

These examples are but droplets in the bucket.  Not only do monogamous relationships not have to have a predetermined endgame, but even moreso polyamorous ones.  Each relationship can be free to grow into exactly the place that makes everyone involved in it happy.  There is no requirement for marriage, no demand to procreate.  Someone can be fulfilled by a partner they see four times a year and love them for exactly what is offered, just as they can with a partner they see more often.  The pressure from old programming can be shed and new standards of acceptance set and maintained.

The trick is letting go of the desire to let the escalator determine destination.  It is perfectly acceptable to reach a place of stability in a relationship where no more expansion occurs.  Our impulse is to find new destinations, force it into old patterns.

Talk.

Breathe.

Be happy in the moment.

The only one really pressuring your relationship to progress to new places is you, and you have the power to fight it and find contentment with what you have.

About the Author

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Vetting

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In the Kink Community we use a lot of words that are very specifically defined.  Words like safewords, communication, vetting, and whole hosts of others prompting people to write BDSM glossaries every now and then.

But let’s take the word vetting in particular.  Walking into my introductory munch, it was one of the things they briefly went over, with a demonstration.  Perhaps because our purposes are different, the standard vanilla definition is close, but does not entirely explain:  to investigate (someone) thoroughly, especially in order to ensure that they are suitable for a job requiring secrecy, loyalty, or trustworthiness.

To be fair, the secrecy, loyalty or trustworthiness portion is absolutely accurate.  In the kink community, we want to make sure we can trust the people we play with, either casually or when considering them for a longer term power exchange or other relationship.  For the bottom, they want to know they can trust their partner with their safety, as being restrained or even taking impact can be very vulnerable.  For the top, they want to know the bottom is clearly communicating their limits and that interactions with this person won’t put them in jeopardy.  It requires trust on all sides.

How we vet can often be a very individual thing.  I have some pretty strong preferences in that area, myself.

For our group, we are welcoming every new person into our home.  I want to be sure that we can not only trust them with that information, but that we trust them to build relationships with the other members of our flock.  We see their safety as our responsibility.

For new people, that means meeting them at a small public event prior with the intention of getting to know them.  If that cannot be scheduled, will they be attending as the guest of someone we already trust?  Usually that is enough of a recommendation.

Sometimes that means reaching out to other group leaders we have met and digging around to see what past events the person has attended based on their Fet history.

We don’t reach out to people we don’t know to vet an individual.  Whatever their reputation may be, if one of the group leaders doesn’t know them personally, we cannot accurately gauge their bias.  To be fair, sometimes having met them, we still cannot accurately gauge that, but we feel it gives us better odds.

While the word-of-mouth system is not foolproof, by keeping our events small and having only three people do the vetting, we haven’t had any issues.  We are very careful to keep an eye out when we see accusatory statements of local people violating the consent of others.  If those accusations touch on one of our current or potential members, often that means a morning or two spent tracking down sources and getting as many first-hand accounts as possible, as gently and considerately as we are able.  We understand there is no way to be entirely certain of a set of past events, but we do our best to extend sympathy while trying to determine if a person is “safe” to attend our events.

We are equally thorough in vetting our group chats.  Often people feel safe sharing photos or personal anecdotes about work or their spawn, and we want to provide a safe place for that.  We have to be able to trust that members understand confidentiality.  We don’t play games of inclusion.  It isn’t about judging any particular physical characteristic, for us it is a question of integrity.  In fact, we welcome the socially awkward!  Having these connections has helped some of our more introverted members become more comfortable with the people in our group, and has even led to some atending other local community events where before that thought caused anxiety.

When it comes to vetting for personal play, I find I am even more thorough.  There are very few individuals I would personally put my stamp on.  The last thing I would want is for someone to follow a recommendation of mine and have a poor experience.  There are some tops I have seen complete scenes from negotiation down to aftercare and would highly recommend them to anyone.  Others, I might only suggest to heavier players.  Some I may not know well enough to feel comfortable forming and sharing an opinion on.

When vetting for myself, I like to reach out to mentors.  Often they have a little more insight into what may become problem areas when dealing with an individual.  Ultimately, I have to trust my own judgement.  I spend time getting to know my play partners in a casual setting, first.  Dinner, coffee, or general conversation.  I want us to both have a good notion of what normal responses look like.  I want us to solidly communicate expectations for play and have them align closely enough that we both feel comfortable.  I want to exchange lists of preferences and limits.  For me, pickup play is a safety risk I’m not comfortable taking, since as I’ve mentioned before, I can put my Master at risk if my own health is compromised.

Some people are less strict with vetting.  Others may be more strict.  I recommend informing yourself about the vetting processes of the groups you join.  In the end, we all have to make the choices which work best for us, determining our own risk appetite as appropriate.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

STI’s and Immunodeficiency

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I see educational posts about STI’s every now and again.  I think that education is excellent.  While I’m no expert, I think the current method of showing video slides of worse-case outbreaks is the kind of public information that can really hurt people.  Yes, that’s what my now-21-year-old reported as his sex-ed from high school.

So my main concern when reading such educational material is the lack of information in them (and elsewhere!) regarding the intersection of a supressed or deficient immune systems and potential increased risk for STI’s.

After asking some curious questions and finding very little information, I hit up “teh googles.”

I should probably start with some background.

My partner, my Dominant, my Master, my Daddy, my love without end which encompasses my being, is immunosuppressed from an organ transplant many years ago.  What this means for us:  when people have sniffles or sick kids, even when they may not present visible symptoms, he can end up with a worse-than-average childhood disease that he shouldn’t be able to contract past age six.

In the most recent event, that specific disease was viral, and fortunately ran its course in a normal time frame.  Unfortunately, the effects were on the severe end of the scale during its run and he still experiences the fallout even months later.

Other times it is as simple as a coworker coming in to work with a cough, and him fighting bronchitis for the next six to eight weeks, usually with multiple courses of antibiotics required.

Even dental work can require preventative antibiotics for him, and simple cuts must be watched closely to be sure they heal properly.

Why is this relevant in a Kink-related discussion?  Multiple reasons.  We interact with immunodeficient individuals more often than we realize.  Having diabetes or auto-immune diseases, being an organ transplant recipient or HIV positive are all examples of ways someone can have a compromised immune system, though some may have a more obviously extreme effect than others.

It means my partner and any other immunocompromised individual is at risk any time they attend an event if someone is attending who is carrying airborne germs.  Obviously, that likelihood increases when they directly interacts with someone who is contagious, but as long as a virus is capable of being transmitted in active form, it has the potential to infect.

If an infection is transmitted via blood, such as a nick or scratch, my partner is at a much higher risk than someone with a healthy immune system.  This makes casual play very ill-advised for him, particularly in a public venue where he is more exposed, meaning his play tends to be limited to close friends he has spent a great deal of time getting to know.

It also takes casual sex off of the table.  While there are transmissible STI’s which are curable, his immunosuppressed status makes it more likely that he would experience side effects which are more severe than the average person’s.  They also mean he would be fighting them off much longer.

STI’s which are not curable are an even bigger threat.  Transplant patients who have caught HPV have experienced such extreme constant outbreaks that one reported having to have the growths lasered off yearly.  When her medications were adjusted and she seemed to be improving, her body began to reject her transplanted organ.  Her choice is to live with a condition which limits her sexual pleasure and feelings of self worth, or risk death again in attempts to combat the infection.  According to her interview, she was contemplating complete removal of her outer labia as a possible solution.

While I was unable to find any additional accounts of individuals with other lifelong STI’s, given the potential risk to an immunodeficient individual, the kink world presents significant hazards.  This is not to say that these risks do not exist outside of kink, merely that we, as practitioners, have things which must be taken into account when dealing with others.

Individuals who are at risk need to inform partners at the outset, so that proper precautions can be taken.  While some STI’s are only transmitted via bodily fluids, HPV can be transmitted simply by contact with the genital area, and condoms will not protect from infection.  This makes it all the more important for individuals who are positive for STI’s to disclose this information and allow partners to make informed decisions.  In some cases there is much less risk when dealing with those who have healthy immune systems than with someone who immunodeficient.

Honesty.  Integrity.  Understanding.

Part of what we do in the BDSM community is risk assessment.  Understanding that some individuals have different requirments when assessing risk for interactions is just as important as being to make compassionate, understanding and informed decisions about potential partners.

Source material:

Genital Warts, HPV, and Immunosuppressive Therapy – STD Interviews

https://youngwomenshealth.org/2017/03/29/sexual-health-and-solid-organ-transplant-recipients/

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.