Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

You are here: Home / Archives for Christmas Bunny

Christmas Bunny

Polyfidelity Problems

By 2 Comments

There is a long-lasting standoff in the BDSM about monogamy versus polyamory.  Some people who prefer monogamy feel pressured into polyamorous models by their partners, and some who prefer poly structures can be pressured into monogamy.  Based on my observations, these attempts usually end badly.  When resentment is a key component in a relationship, it deteriorates.  It cannot improve without banishing that resentment, and some fundamental differences have no healthy compromise.  Fundamental differences in monogamy vs polyamory are one of those areas.

To be clear, I beleive neither the superior model.  One does not have to belittle an opposing view to accept that it may work better for some people.  For me, polyamory is a more natural fit, but that does not make it inherently better.  It does, however, still require as much, if not more work, than monogamy (which is not an excuse for monogamous folks to slack on communicating).

There are myriads of ways to structure poly relationships.  If you talk to four long-term practitioners of polyamory, you will likely hear four different relationship models.  The important part is making them work for the participating individuals.

Polyfidelity is an offshoot of polyamory.  It generally references a group of people who are only intimate with a closed group.  It could be a triad formation, or a closed quad, but the thing in common is that they are sexually fidelitous within an agreed upon and limited number of people.

Polyfidelity can have its own unique challenges.  Some practitioners of polyamory scoff at those who practice polyfidelity, seeing them merely a step above those who practice monogamy, when in truth, we can all learn from one another.  Those views can make it difficult to find as much support from the poly community as others do.

Additionally, those relationships can have their own inherent set of complications.

Imagine, if you will, a triad.  Often these are composed of a couple and a third who has become an addition.  We will also, for the sake of argument, imagine that they have overcome the hurdles of prioritizing and avoided hierarchical polyamory, making everyone feel equally valuable within their structure.

Living situations become a challenge.  As long as all three are making time for one another in various ways, such as P1 and P2 spending time separately from P1 and P3, and P2 and P3 schedule time, things can run a little more smoothly.

But what happens when P1 and P2 are nesting partners (living together) and the third doesn’t get as much time?

This can lead to that person not getting needs met in some key areas:  time; attention; physical intimacy; etc.  By setting up ground rules which will allow P3 to get those needs met in other ways, with other partners, whether it be for impact play, cuddles, or other intimacy, it can ease some of those problems.  If that partner insists upon having their needs solely met by P1 and P2 it can cause inequalities or if P1 and P2 believe it okay to demand they be the only ones to fill those needs, resentments will build.

The same can happen in polyfidelitous quads, which I have often seen occur in two compatible couples.  These couples have a partner to meet a portion of their needs from the beginning, but still want their other needs met as well, and balancing that among four can be a scheduling challenge (I recommend a calendar app).  It can also set up some guilty feelings and feelings of jealousy about the way partners are connecting with others, and those feelings need to be addressed.

M/s and D/ s relationships can often be confused for being naturally polyamorous, though this does not have to be the case.  Some people who have been part of the Kink Community for extended periods choose one partner and one alone.  Others choose to have a structure where one Master or Dominant has more than one submissive or switch, who may or may not be emotionally or sexually involved with one another.

Ultimately, while my preference is non hierarchical kitchen table polyamory, each polycule has to find its own way and create the dynamic which works best for them.  As a community, I see our role as supporters, nurturers who share experiences and learn from one another rather than telling anyone they are doing it wrong.  We always have room to grow and room to learn in every new experience and partnership.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Relationship Stats

By 2 Comments

I am often inspired by snippets of conversation or a phrase, which once uttered, drive my brain in circles until I chase the thought to its completion.  This time, Daddy and I were talking about successful relationships.

Superbowl being a thing, I laughed that if we were talking sports, my stats would be pretty terrible.  Of the more serious relationships in my lifetime of more than a few months, I’m looking at a success rate of one in eleven.

If I worked professionally, I’d have been fired for those numbers.  One sale out of eleven?  One completed pass?  Those are terrible stats.

Yet for some reason, that one successful, healthy relationship qualifies me to share my experiences.  I struggled to understand why.

Somehow failure, which is seen as a negative in so many different areas, has been a force for good when it comes to relating to others.  Our missed opportunities and relationship bloopers have become the foundation for future success.

When we, as social creatures, first begin dating, often we don’t know what we want in relationships.  They are simply motivated by mutual attraction.  It us only when something doesn’t work well that we can take that lesson forward.  A rejection.  A failed relationship.  These become our teachers.

Perhaps the failure can be attributed to jealousy.  The next time you resolve to seek a partner with the knowlege that you need someone with healthier understandings of interpersonal relationships and better self-esteem.

As we continue to fail, our relationship requirements become more finely tuned.  Perhaps broad categories are no longer specific enough.  Wanting a good communicator becomes wanting someone who can be a good communicater under pressure.  We hone the skills we desire to see in others in ourselves.

Learning more about what we want in our partners isn’t the only benefit to failed relationships.  When we fail, if we are honest, we spend some time attempting to examine our own part in that failure.  Did I prioritize this partner highly enough?  Did I schedule time with them in ways that helped them feel important or loved, or was I caught up in my life and my needs?  Was I an effective communicator, or did I hold things in I probably should have discussed with them?  Being able to honestly answer those questions helps us become better partners the next time we try.

I used to believe that a failed relationship required two (or more) people making mistakes in order to be unsuccessful.  As I have grown and progressed, I have come to understand that sometimes one partner can communicate and do the right things, and not have that reciprocated in the relationship.

It can be particularly difficult to feel as though you are communicating only to have it interpreted in ways you did not intend.  It is the classic:  no, you don’t look fat in those pants statement only to have the recipient receive that to mean they look fat in the shirt instead.  Sometimes we have to learn to speak the languages of our partners, which may mean adapting our own style.  These adaptations require being open to listening to the needs of those around us, and working towards better understanding.  Unfortunately, they can also mean that should that relationship end, we have learned a foreign language we may never use again in that dialect.  At least those lessons can remain part of how we learn to better interact with future partners.

My partner reminds me that my stats start to look more impressive when we remember that some haven’t found their success yet.  Perhaps they’ve had small successes or ones which seem successful, only to find later that those things were, in fact, more lessons to be learned along the way.  However we choose to view it, the important thing is that we continue to grow in our relationships and find opportunity to learn in all of these moments in life.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication: All The Moments

By 4 Comments

Communication, communication, communication.

We hear that word so much in the Kink Community it is a wonder we aren’t all sick to death of talking about talking.  The problem is, do we really talk about it?  Do we really teach others how to do it?  Or do we, instead, say the word and assume that is enough?  You have to communicate better.  Lesson learned.  Why didn’t I think of that?

I took piano lessons as a kid.  I studied for five years.  I would dutifully go home and practice whatever I had ploddingly banged out in my lesson, repeating songs over and over, going back to the beginning if I made a mistake.

The beginnings of my songs were always spectacular.  The ends, not so much.

In college I took piano lessons again.  After a couple of weeks my professor stopped me.

“How are you practicing?” he asked.

I looked at him in confusion.  Obviously I was playing the song.

After pulling details out of me about my practice habits, he clarified his expectations of practice.  I was to review individual sections when I had trouble, repeating them until my muscle memory engaged the corrections.  Only then would I put the completed parts together and play the piece from the beginning.  According to him, I had never practiced before, not really.  But then, no one had ever taken the time to frame their expectations of my practice time.  What I had done instead was to just play songs.  With his assistance, my playing became that much stronger.

The same lesson applies to communication.  If no one ever breaks down how we should communicate and only says that we should, we are left to puzzle out the method ourselves, and will fully believe any conversation should qualify.

It begins with honesty.  First honesty with oneself, for without that, you cannot be honest with another.  This isn’t the kind of honesty about casual details, such as where you grew up and your elementary school best friend’s name.  This isn’t even the kind of honesty that comes when we talk about past trauma, though that is extremely important.  Often, that honesty is mistaken for a much more rare kind.

The kind of honesty that it really starts with is the ability to share feelings and express them in words in a kind way.  It is one thing to be able to share feelings when they explode out, but completely different to be able to have those conversations when they can happen before resentments pop up.  This may sometimes mean talking through an issue more than once until all stress points are resolved.

Just as important as being able to communicate those feelings, is an ability to listen and process without deflecting.  We have a tendency to take things personally, and feelings are often mistaken as attacks.  For example, a situation came up with my Daddy when I was extremely jealous.  He had gone to see Thor the Dark World with some friends, and I hadn’t been able to attend due to scheduling issues.  We hadn’t realized that I found Marvel movies to be our special “us” thing, and that while I welcomed company, him seeing it without me was upseting.  I talked to him about my feelings, including the fact that I felt irrational having those feelings, which contributed to my confusion, and we were able to work out a positive compromise for future events in order to deal with what we identified as my needs.

It could very easily gone another way.  Had I become angry and attacked him for my feelings that exchange would likely have been unproductive.  Instead, I discovered a feeling, identified it as such to him, and we calmly discussed it.  Had he responded defensively, it is also unlikely that I would have wanted to continue sharing my feelings with him when future opportunities arose, since I would have learned that those conversations were unproductive.

Both partners are responsible for good communication.  Every time an opportunity arises, they both have to fully participate, once as an active communicator, the other as an active listener.

We have a saying in our house.

Feelings aren’t good or bad.  They just are.

Most of the time they happen without our permission.  Being able to discuss first that a feeling occurred which needs to be shared, and then what its possible root causes are is essential to good communication.  Just like learning a song on the piano, it isn’t just about plowing straight through without attending the problem spots along the way.  It is, instead, about discovering a rough place and taking the time to smooth it before continuing the journey, hopefully with more skill to work through future rough spots with every experience.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

NRE: Sink or Swim

By 3 Comments

Photography by Mistress Laurent

NRE.

New Relationship Energy.

Chemically, it is the potent mix of adrenaline and endorphins and and all of the other happy juice that hits first when we first develop attraction to another person, then when that attraction begins to deepen into the first stages of a relationship.  When it hits in a particularly strong iteration, it has a way of sneaking in and pushing the pace of a relationship faster than the people in it may originally intend.

You see, what it is that we do already lends itself to deeper connections than some of us are used to on a vanilla scale.  By being so open about our desires, needs, and sexuality, kink relationships have a tendency to reach a level of intimacy that I would argue is unattainable in what is seen as a societally normative relationship.  Not that there really is any one right way, but if we do this with healthy communication and truly open ourselves to the people around us, when those partner relationships come, we can traverse them with gentle honesty and complete transparency.

The way I see it, a new relationship is a lot like going inner tubing down a river.  We have three choices.  We can push ourselves faster down the river using paddles, possibly courting disaster, we can paddle against the current and get nowhere fast, or we can lie back on our tubes and let the water take us where it will.  I have obviously slanted those statements and made my particular preference clear, but the choice will ultimately be up to each person involved.

Where NRE can be trouble is that it becomes a supercharged paddle in our hand.  We think we can use it to steer, but it tends to have the effect of pushing us further along the river.  Thinking we can still stay on board our tube safely, we race down the river at breakneck speed, stopping only when our tube overturns, is punctured by the sharp rocks which often abound, or we reach calmer waters.

Sometimes the very act of trying to slow that progress can tip our tubes and sweep our cushion of air downstream, leaving us struggling against the current in water where large stones and obstacles are everywhere we turn.  Our overthinking brains get scared by the intensity of the chemical rush and the strength of connections, and the river becomes a waterfall, tipping us over the edge and pummeling the relationship into an early death or simply pushing against the current until the relationship progrssion grinds to a halt.

The trouble can come when the struggle occurs in a one-sided fashion.  When two people are enjoying the flow of NRE, letting the river take them, as they travel hand in hand, and one pulls away to struggle against the current, that is a tough thing.  Often there is little the other person can do to assist with rescue.  If they maintain their connection, they can be strong enough to fight the rapids together.  Alone, each is likely to sink, their pairing yet another that cannot withstand the test of time.

Letting things flow at their own pace is challenging, particularly when that pace is one we haven’t experienced before.  By opening ourselves to let things progress naturally and staying in constant communication about our thoughts and feelings, plus having the starting bonus of strong compatibility in most life areas, my Daddy and I experienced a dramatically accelerated courtship.  We met, formed a D/s relationship and married within the span of six months.  Friends and family outside of the community hesitated to use words like fast and rush, because his prior relationship had been longer than ten years and had not resulted in a wedding.

Our story is not unique.  Often when I see partnerships within the community form, they tend to either deteriorate or solidify quickly.  We have the benefit of knowing first ourselves well enough to be aware of our needs within a partnership, but also the knowlege of the kind of communication it takes to achieve lasting relationships.

If we aren’t sure what that looks like, fortunately, the resources are available in local communities and online.  The people who practice long-term alternative lifestyle relationships are very often willing to share the wisdom they have learned through trial and error, so the rest of us may build upon those strong foundations.

Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love By Helen Fisher, PhD; Henry Holt: February 2004; ISBN 0-8050-6913-5

About the Author
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

The Benefit of Kik

By 2 Comments

KimCums.com

As a female who identifies as a submissive and tends to be a little nervous around new people, joining our local community was a challenging experience.

The first time I went looking for it was back in early 2000.  I had a kinky partner and we were interesting in learning more, but the only advice we could scrape up at the time came in the form of “check for postings or information at your local adult store that sells BDSM gear.”  Well, our kink store had an amazing back room full of leather and cuffs, clothes, clamps, floggers, crops, rope and all sorts of high-quality delights.  You had to know it was there and a staff member had to accompany you if they didn’t know you.  It seemed obvious that they would know where we could find others like us.

Perhaps they did and chose not to share, but more likely, the others who frequented that room besides us didn’t give them that information.  We never saw anyone else back there besides us, but magical new things would appear, like sex swings and tail plugs, and others would be gone when next we’d visit.  We never did find the others.

Fast forward to 2017.  When Daddy sent me out into the great wide world of the internet searching for others, this time I was a lot more successful.  I found Fetlife, which helped me get an idea of what events were offered in our area, and was able to figure out how to meet up with that first munch and progress a little more deeply into our local community.

At first I made individual friends.  I met people at parties and munches and once I found a female (because kinky male strangers still made me very nervous) I could converse and relate with, I’d focus on that person and build the beginnings of a friendship.  I wasn’t interacting with my community yet much through my writing, and it felt very peripheral.

Once I started writing more of my journal entries online, I began engaging with the online Kink Community a little more actively, though I still held them at a distance in my life.  At some point, the exhibitionist in me blended with the helpful parts, and my writing became more personal.  I began predominantly using Fetlife as my social media of choice.  I found that the conversations I wanted to have and the interactions I desired could occur there, when places like Facebook still struck me as more disingenuous, with sugar-coated moments in time preserved for internet eternity.

But it wasn’t until I began using chat apps that I really connected with the community and made it my family.

The first instance was with three other women I admire, and while our chat had a specific purpose, we found that we often allowed personal and kink-related conversation to be an equal part in it, really helping to bond us all together.  I began learning from them, and as I shared myself with them, I believe they also learned from me.  I felt connected in a way that I hadn’t before, but since none of them were local, it still limited our interactions.

I found even more community when a nearby friend began a Kik chat with a vetted group of other local community members.  The formation of that group was such a positive experience.  Every member is personally vetted by chat leaders so that everyone can feel safe sharing as much or as little as they are comfortable with, up to and including photos.  As people began to interact with one another, small plans for play began to form.  Negotiations happened, sometimes in the group, sometimes separately.  The group policed itself and kept members safe.  People could experiment and make plans to play together at group events.  It was amazing and inspiring to watch.

I attended some community events, not just for this group, buy with other external groups, and discovered I was running into people from this chat rather frequently.  I found myself in awe of this organic creation.  Somehow this group had managed to overcome my introvert tendencies and I felt comfortable when attending events with them.  This was a completely new level of immersion in the community.  I found myself less engaged with online kink, but would not miss a day of checking in with the group.

I think for people looking for local friends, mentors and partners, these kinds of chat groups provide opportunities to learn from others.  I absorbed so many helpful things from members who had experience in things I hadn’t yet done to help me play more safely.  They helped me meet friends who have ended up at our Thanksgiving table and increased my comfort level at opening our home to small events.

I don’t know how many local community groups utilize these apps in those ways, but I can certainly say they have made a huge impact on my personal journey.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

There Are Two Kinds of People

By 4 Comments

Model: Domina Mara
Taken by: Domina Mara

Have you ever read the book before watching the movie and been disappointed because it wasn’t what you hoped?

Perhaps you saw one despite bad reviews figuring you’d try it anyhow and were pleasantly surprised by how much better it was than you heard?

Our prior expectations can truly color an experience.  By having high expecations or waiting for certain elements and not receiving them we can almost ensure disappointment.  By approaching an event with lowered expections and having it turn out positively, we have a much better opinion of the event than had we gone in with our preconceived notions dial turned the other direction.

Daddy and I met on a vanilla dating site.  I honestly had no clue what I was doing there.  I hadn’t dated in eighteen years and I had no idea what to expect.  I signed up, wrote some things about myself, posted a professional head shot, and started poking around.  I was quite innocently naive.

It turns out that having no expectations was an excellent foundation for online dating.  I did not expect preferential treatment as a single female.  I approached men whose profiles interested me, generally for what they had to say and how they said it rather than for their physical appearances, though I confess I found Daddy quite adorable in his pictures.

In discussing some of this later, I understood that while I spent two days online dating, his year of it colored his opinions a bit more.  “There are two types of people on dating sites,” he told me.

The first type is like I was.  They approach online dating with an open mind, or a positive outlook.  They write profiles talking about what they are looking for in a partner and what experience they desire to have.  These people share parts of themselves in the hope that it speaks to others who are like-minded.

The second type is the opposite.  These are people who have either had negative experiences or allow their outlook to tip into the negative.  Their profiles have lists of what they aren’t looking for and what they don’t want.  They form invisible walls of barbed wire around themselves to keep the unpleasant things out.  Sometimes these walls keep out things they might have enjoyed or people they might have wanted to meet, had they only given those things a chance.

I see the exact same thing on kinky social media.  Fetlife hosts our profiles, and what do we see?  Some of the profiles talk about the positive.  They list things they are interested in.  They discuss ways they do or desire to connect with their community. Unfortunately, many of the people writing profiles have had negative experiences or are letting fear take control.  Theirs shout out the opposite.  Don’t message me.  I won’t do this.  I won’t try that.  These are my limits.

I get it.  I was there.  My dating site profile may have been open, but my kink menu was a limited breakfast engagement.  In negotiating my first BDSM encounter with my Daddy, we spent several days going over a list of options.  My initial responses to so many of the items were negative.  I wasn’t even willing to try many of them because I had decided with either minimal or no experience that I wouldn’t like them.

Isn’t that how some of us approach many aspects of life?

It took a lot of trust for me to transition from a column of “don’ts” into a place of excitement and interest in experimentation.  I think there is a huge correlation in whether we present ourselves in a negative and closed off fashion or an open one and how welcoming and willing we are to experiencing the flavors of kink that are available to try.

A year and a half ago I could not have imagined a version of myself who would willingly disrobe in public venues to try things like mummification, a violet wand and caning.  That person did not exist within me yet.  I had preconceived notions of all of those things, and I imagined them in such a negative way, it is unlikely that my response could have been positive.

Yet recently I had an opportunity to sample a larger menu than I had previously allowed myself.  By watching and being open to experiencing a small taste, I easily discovered three new things I enjoyed immensely, all on the same night.  Had I remained fearful and closed off, those experiences could not have occurred.

By taking on the personal motto that I refuse to allow fear to keep me from having experiences, I have pushed past overwhelming terror into amazing memories.  I can now tell stories of swimming with turtles and manatees in my vanilla life and experiencing some pretty darn cool play in my kinky life.

How many of us still let fear frame our narratives?

In writing those dating website profiles, are we shutting down possibility or seeking the things we know we like, open to other new things?

On our kinky social media are we open to helping others learn and grow, to sharing our knowledge and discovering new things, or are we so busy avoiding things we thing we won’t like that we shut down possibility?

How we each approach possibility is ultimately our own choice, and we should be careful who we trust with these experiences.  In the end, however, I encourage everyone out there to consider things you didn’t before, even if all you do is watch someone else’s experience.

After all, how else do we really taste all that this world has to offer if we limit our palates to bread and water?

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

The First Shaky Steps of a Newly Hatched Subsadist

By 6 Comments

I’ve been thinking about sadism quite a bit lately.

It is conceptually fascinating.  It can live inside just about anyone and range from the smallest blossoming enjoyment of another’s pain to enoying creating pain in others as long as the recipient finds pleasure in it, all the way up to those who need to restrain themselves from causing real damage.

I’ve talked some about my journey into impact toy-making.  I suppose it goes with the name.  After all, Father Christmas’ bunny must have some role in helping build all of those toys for naughty girls and boys.  Well, something about creating these implements of ass destruction has awakened new thoughts and feelings within me.

Or perhaps they aren’t so new.  I’ve always fallen on the low end of the sadistic range, though.  Taking some mild enjoyment from watching people get spanked is a far cry from doing it myself, just as taking some small sadistic pleasure in video games such as Naughty Bear hardly translates to me ripping the innards out of my moderate-size stuffie collection.  Discovering these new desires to take that next step is surprising.

Awakening it was a process more than a realization.

It was a moment of enjoying someone’s distress within the confines of a scene I mostly spectated, and a small shot of glee when I had an indirect part in causing the next impact.  That spurt of glee left an impression.

It was discovering that my hobby of toymaking had modified into attempts at making more and more unpleasant (for me) toys for others to endure and the devilish gratification that provided.  The curious feelings within me drove me explore those thoughts, only to realize that there was a new desire to experience impact from the other end of the implement.

I’ve had people in the community tell me that developing some sadistic urges or skills in those areas is a common occurrence as masochists grow, though I don’t know how accurate that statement is.  Having tried my hand at some topping years ago and having found it quite unappetizing, that leaves the question of where does a sadistic submissive feed that part of themself?

One obvious solution is to co-top, learning the skills to perform impact and other desired sadistic play while handing the decision-making reins to the other top or actual Dominant.  This would take that uncomfortable feeling of being in charge of another human being out of my blossoming little sadist hands.

A subsadist friend without a play partner has turned to other methods for scratching that particular itch.  Some of it is filled by customer service work (and you wonder why those calls are so frustrating!), some is filled by biting sexual partners, but most of it comes from making particularly evil implememts of pain infliction.  Those toys give a sense of satisfaction unmatched by other areas of sadistic fulfilment.  Perhaps there are other subsadists feeding that part of themselves that way.  It certainly brings me some satisfaction and helped me realize new truths about myself.

As I’ve mentioned before in passing, some elements of BDSM can be incorrectly assumed.  Submissive does not equal masochist, and neither does Domimant equal Sadist.  Plenty of people who engage in D/s relationships may be neither Sadists nor masochists, we just happen to see Dominant Sadists and submissive masochists rather frequently.  Sometimes what we see as masochism is closer to submitting to pain in service rather than enjoyment of pain for its own sake.

With all that being the case, finding internet examples of submissive Sadists, or even references, is much more difficult.  One may find discussion here or there about finding others to match, but I suspect many have adapted to Switch roles, or do service topping as a way to feed those sadistic needs.

With the absence of information or discussion in this area, I find myself taking shaky steps with my Daddy and our partner, hoping to find my way slowly and safely.  In college when we asked questions without answers or found holes in research the solution was to call to the academic community to patch the hole by advancing knowledge in that area.

That’s what I would love.  Let’s see more discussion about subsadists and hear from Dominant masochists (Domichists?) to further the knowlege and understanding of our Kink Community as a whole.   These discussions and explorations could help people struggling to come to terms with these parts of themselves, and help them find the fulfillment they long for.

About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tis The Season To Journal

By 5 Comments

Christmas is coming.  It’s the most wonderful time of the year, isn’t it?

Unless, of course, it isn’t.  The holidays can feel very dark, even when we are in partnerships, and that’s not even taking into account that December 21st is the longest night of the year.  Something about the holidays, the hustle and bustle, can bring out the very best in us, and the very worst as well.  Sometimes the holiday season reminds us of those we have lost, or left behind.  For some, it is a season of sadness rather than the joy others experience.

I find my peace in journaling.

While those who follow my writing know that I post frequently, they may not realize how this came to pass, or what purpose it serves for me.  At the beginning of this portion of my journey, I struggled with many issues.  I fought against self-acceptance, I refused to acknowledge a fear of abandonment which I was letting control my behavior, and most of all, I didn’t know what I wanted.

I’d like to take a moment to bunny trail.  I certainly always support people treating their mental health with as much care as their physical health, and getting regular mental health check-ins.  There is no substitute for counseling from a licensed (and hopefully kink-friendly) professional.  However, we are not always at places in our journeys where counseling is easy to afford or perhaps schedule.  Sometimes we have to find healing in other ways.

Daddies are sometimes wiser than their stubborn charges.

He found a website that had journal prompts for submissives and mixed those in with things he recognized we needed to discuss or wanted more information from me on.  Thanks to his clever assignments, my journaling became a tool for growth and self-awareness.  It became the way I could admit all of the things I was thinking without committing to speaking those things aloud.  There is a strange catharsis in letting the words flow out of the hand and onto the paper, know that if those pages were ripped out or burnes, the words could disappear into smoke.

When assigning journaling to a submissive, it really can function in multiple ways.  First and foremost, it can simply be a tool of knowing.  Sharing secrets with blank pages or in the draft folder of an online blog can provide a top slash keys to their bottom slash.  If done well, it can be an insightful enough experience to apear as mind reading by the top.

It can also function as a tool for honesty.  Having a submissive journal about their fantasies, their thoughts on a scene, or even talking about what they want from a budding relationship can lay the foundation for productive conversations.

Having the bottom slash in the habit of sharing thoughts daily can keep any issues which may come up from festering.  Struggling with polyamory?  Jealousy?  Write about it, then talk about it together.  Writing can help organize the thoughts into the most important ones, and help both parties recognize unreasonable lines of thinking.  Sometimes those moments of recognition can lead to healthier responses.

Journaling about disagreements heped Daddy and I implement argument protocol.  When we want to discuss opposing viewpoints, we sit touching.  Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we snuggle.  Neither of us is permitted to deny physical affection to the other.  Either way, touching with affection tends to minimize the quarrelsome nature such conversations can have.

Sometimes regular journaling will expose deeper issues that may need some attention.  In the case of my fear of abandonment, it came across as sudden bursts of irrational behaviors and the journal helped us find the pattern.  I was able to continue my journey with several books to assist.  I found The Journey From Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson and Love Me Don’t Leave Me by Michelle Skeen.  I read them as I had the emotional strength available (it being the holiday season) and journaled about my reading and subsequent thoughts extensively.

As I healed, my writing continued, but it adapted and became a tool with which I have been able to share my experiences and hopefully help others on their paths.  It is a habit of introspection that has made the relationships with both of my partners healthier, as well as with close friends.

As we travel through December, taking time to reflect on those thoughts and feelings can ease worries and promote better understanding between the members of a dynamic.  However we feel about the holidays, whether it be stressed by shopping, overbooking activities and events or work hours, or joyful and serene, or even a mixture of things, there is value to be had in being honest with ourselves, first and foremost.  That honesty with self can’t help but improve the way we interact with each other, and perhaps help us spread a little joy and light as we come upon the longest night of the year.

About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Floggers and Christmas

By 2 Comments

Last Christmas I thought I’d be adorable and get Daddy some presents we opened in private (*wink, wink*).  These included a leather strap and, so romantically, a wooden paddle laser etched with the word MINE.

I hadn’t had any experience with paddles prior to that, but their description said “thuddy,” and since I like thuddy, I was on board!  He loved the thought I’d put into it, and the first time we used it, we were both excited.  After a nice warm-up, he gave me a good tap with it, not even using his full strength.

I was instantly in tears.

That was not quite how I envisioned that experience going.  It didn’t get any better the other times he has used it.  Pro:  he knows what I don’t like.  Cons:  my thoughtful and beautiful Christmas present became a funny what-not-to-buy story, and he holds the power to bring me to uncontrolable tears at any time.

I realized that I was either going to need to learn some things about imact implements or stop buying Daddy presents of that nature.  I chose learning.  That’s part of what led me to begin making my own toys.

I ended up in the leather section of a craft store to find a rivet to fix a purse strap the night before vacation and suddenly realized I wanted to play with leather.  I wanted the scent in my nostrils, the texture under my fingers.  I wanted to create impact implements that suited exactly what I wanted, and I needed to study a lot before I could get there.

I began experimenting in cloth.  Goodwill has an excellent selection, perfect for my purposes and much cheaper than a fabric store.  After some heavy reading and trial and error, I had a prototype.  I found scrap leather to make a second, blended with cloth.

I learned a lot with those first attempts, but the real learning began when I took my creating to leather.  There are so many ways to get what you want out of a flogger, and until I began experimenting, I had no idea.

The first time I walked into a leather wholesale store, I was hooked.  The scent of the leather surrounding me always brings me to a halt.  Inhaling deeply, I can let that scent bring a swirl of memories of motorcycles and men I’ve loved – fathers, friends, lovers.  The learning and experimenting only srves to enrich my experiences with leather.  I have had to learn how changing textures, lengths, edges and adornments can change the way each flogger impacts.

Weight of material:  rabbit fur is lighter than pigskin which is lighter than deerskin which is lighter than cow skin.  The weight of the skin is part of what determines how thuddy an implement will be.  Of course, floggers can be made of plenty of other materials besides leather, or by combining things with leather.  The weight can be negated by other elements, such as how the skin was prepared.  Suede gives more thud than veg-tanned skin, which ends up more slappy even at the same weight.

Number of falls:  a high number of falls will increase the weight that is descending, creating a heavier thud sensation.  Similarly, fewer falls will often result in more sting, though that can change based on any specialized fall treatment, or the length.

Length of falls:  this is simple physics.  Shorter falls will have less impact because their momentum is less.  Longer falls will build up more speed and thus have greater impact.  However, it is important to remember that while showy, falls that are too long for the height of the wielder (I personally don’t recommend longer than arms length) can become cumbersome during longer sessions.

Shape of fall tips:  the standard shape is a straight cut across the material.  That shape tends to thud, which can be combined with the above elements to either bring contrast to stingier features or enhance existing thud.  For a more gentle thud, you’re going to want rounded tips instead of flat ones.  To create sting at the tip ends, a diagonal slice at the end will do.  To really amp that up, double tipping the ends adds to the sting factor.

Additions and raised edges:  some floggers may come with braided or twisted falls.  By compacting the leather that way they can make a thuddy flogger land even more solidly, but the raised edges bring focus to the inertia and add sting in those sections.  The more raised sections which are created in this way, the more sting it will provide when it lands.

Some of these things can be done to a plain flogger sitting in your drawer.  If you desire to customize, adding braids or twists will change your flogger.  Of course, once you cut into it, there’s no going back, so make sure it is what you want.  You can also cut your tips at home, as flat tips are the most common ones.  While I recommend a rotary cutter or exacto knife, tip trimming can be accomplished with just a pair of scissors and a decent ruler.

If you’re picking out a flogger for your partner to use on you, oh, say for Christmas, and you hate sting, perhaps that cute flogger with very thin falls and pointed tips isn’t a smart purchase, particularly if it has enough heft to it to really bite.  If your partner is anything like mine, you’re going to have a regret story about that present, once you can laugh about it!

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

The Misunderstandings of Littles

By 7 Comments

Pure Rebel – https://www.patreon.com/purerebel
The Dark Arts-https://darkestarts.com/

I was still finding myself when I met my Daddy.

Correction.  I hadn’t even begun trying to find the self I had lost when I met him, yet he inspired me to begin that journey.

Along the way, he pointed out to me that I had some of the tendencies of littles.  Having read very little about people who identify that way, but finding those things to be negative, I rejected that possibility for myself.  It was only after I did some more reading and spent some time being honest with myself that I was able to accept that part of me.  I have met others along the way who struggled similarly with their preconceived notions of littles and thus fought against their desires for things such as pacifiers.

I genuinely cannot count the number of times people have become friends of mine and at some point remarked casually at how they hadn’t known someone who was a little before.  They often go on to describe characteristics which are often associated with littles, such as brattiness and childishness, and express distaste with those traits, but pleasure that I am “not like that.”  The conversation usually moves on, leaving me with that hint of sadness that one of my identifiers is so widely misinterpreted.

For a portion of society who preaches about tolerance and not judging one another, I see an awful lot of misconceptions about subgroups in our community.  Perhaps the only experience some has had was with a little in a forum, or seen from across the room at a play party, all in pink stomping a foot and emphatically saying no.  This trend towards treating littles somewhat dismissively tends to hit me hardest where I live, as these things often do.  Rather than seeing those of us who identify in this category as whole, healthy individuals who have embraced their inner child, they are often seen as annoying, with much misconception. However, I see it in the case of “littles,” so let’s talk about us!

There are at least three large categories within the “little” heading.  Littles, middles, and babygirls are often grouped together.  So let’s break it down.

Littles often, but not always, identify that way because they have an age regression.  This can be a state of mind for them which is sometimes situational.  It can sometimes be referred to as little space in discussion.  This age regression is different for every person who experiences it.  Some people will identify an age they feel they regress to, others will have a range.  For the most part littles tend to identify on the lower end of the age spectrum, generally under age 10, taking on characteristics of those age groups.

This may mean your little wants to have a pacifier, or takes comfort in stuffies.  It may mean games of Candyland or coloring.  It could mean Disney movies, a system of reward and punishment, or the endearment good girl being a thrill.  It may mean they do not want sexual contact while in their age regressed state.

It does not mean that people who identify this way are incapable of taking care of themselves.  It also does not mean they act like children all of the time.  There are generally specific things which will trigger age regression for them, and may require them to feel comfortable and safe with the people around them.  That generally doesn’t occur during the work day or with just anyone.

Middles generally identify in the middle of the age spectrum, somewhere from 11 and up.  Again, some may experience age regression and some may not.  They may or may not enjoy some of the more childlike things like coloring and stuffies and may be more open to sexual contact while in this mindset.

Babygirls often do not identify with age regressive experiences, yet strongly desire to fully integrate their inner children with their adult experiences.  They may enjoy some of the same activities that littles and middles do without necessarily needing them or being restricted to one age bracket.

Confusion can come because all three subcategories can exhibit similar outward characteristics.  Individuals identifying in these manners can often project a certain level of naivety or innocence in some form, whether it exists or is simply a projection of childlike innocence.  Generally all three groupings are seeking a Daddy or Mommy relationship with an individual who is often, but not necessarily, older in chronological age and who guides the pairing.  This partnership can provide mentoring in areas which may be less developed in the submissive partner, or simply provide emotional fulfilment.

The important thing to remember when dealing with anyone who identifies in any of these ways is that they are still adults who are perfectly capable of rational and intelligent thought.  They shouldn’t have to hide their identifier out of fear of misconception or ridicule as I have seen some do.  This community should be as inclusive as it claims to be.  We should offer all those we meet an opportunity to educate us about areas of kink we were previously unfamiliar with, and perhaps learn a little about ourselves in return.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.