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Christmas Bunny

There’s a 100% Chance Something Goes Wrong

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Going into a scene negotiation understanding not only what you risk in an activity, but actively preparing for things to go wrong is important.  Sure, we aren’t required to do that, and some things carry smaller risks, but they say preparation is next to godliness, right?  Something like that, anyhow.

The thing is, the first time you play with someone, everything may go exactly according to plan.  No ropes pinched in places they shouldn’t have, no unexpected marks or wraparound from floggers, no issues with loss of circulation from cuffs or chains on a St. Andrew’s cross, just smooth sailing and a blissfully perfect scene.

The reality, unfortunately, is that often our brains think our bodies should be capable of much more than they may be.  Particularly as we age, even things like standing chained in one place for a long time or something as simple as kneeling can lead to cramps and tingling extremities.

So, as I was saying, perhaps your pick-up play always goes smoothly.  I think it’s unlikely, but I’m willing to concede that for the sake of argument.  My more important point is the risk we accumulate with repeated play.

When you play with the same person long enough, the odds of something going wrong incrementally increase to 100%.  We have tendencies to push boundaries, stretch for new heights, vary experiences.  Not all of those experiences will be as we plan.

Now mind you, when I say something will go wrong, I want to be clear that it doesn’t have to be catastrophic to count.  Having been with my partner for over two years, we have had many scenes which I would put into that category.  The time early on when I was close to my period and we started impact at our usual level, or the time we tried to tie a harness while I was wearing crazy high heels and both ended up frustrated, or perhaps the time when I couldn’t find my headspace because it sounded like two girls were screaming a conversation next to me even though they were across the room so every impact just felt stingy and unpleasant, or even the time when we tripped a land mine and I ended up having a very unexpected panic attack.

I understood going in that things would happen.  I accept that risk.  At a recent negotiations class I attended, the presenter used an acronym I hadn’t heard, but found entirely appropriate after it was spoken.  RASH:  Risk Aware Shit Happens.  I had to laugh, but it’s true.

I don’t blame my partner when things don’t go as planned.  Unless he’s trying things which are extremely new to us, which we usually are careful to do in classes or other more controlled situation, moments of whoops aren’t about him being unskilled or careless, they are about Murphy’s Law.  Sometimes things just go wrong.  If we go into this thinking otherwise, we may place blame for unexpected incidents in unfair places, and that is one way community reputations can take some hard hits.

My partner and I do everything we can to plan for foreseeable accidents.  Rope play for us always involves safety sheets.  One of my dungeon necessities is a small first-aid kit with alcohol wipes, antibiotic ointment, cute bandaids of all sizes, and stickers for good patients.  Funny enough, I’ve used it several times on other people who picked up scrapes and bruises from various activities, but never myself.

What a person might need to feel prepared may vary for everyone.  The important part for each of us is not only accepting the risk we take, but also doing what we can to mitigate that risk.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidentally got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Total Power Exchange (TPE)

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While these relationships may look different on the surface, at the root of them, they are characterized by one individual having the final say when it comes to decision making.  That doesn’t have to mean the other party / parties have zero input.

There are books written about contracts and power exchange, so today, I’m just going to share what some of our structure looks like and how we got there.

We began power exchange as a scenes / bedroom only experience.  I had full autonomy in my own life, yet when the mood shifted, my dominant partner took the reins clearly and decisively.  As our relationship progressed, we realized we weren’t satisfied to keep our power exchange confined to that pocket of our interactions.  We began the process of expanding it to other areas with an assignment.

I was to acquire a journal and create an entry, the first of many.  My topic was to write about the areas of my life in which I was willing to relinquish control and which I was unwilling.  Following an amalgamation of advice from multiple power exchange books, I wrote about family, friends, work, finances and hobbies.  There were so many others I could have included, such as personal grooming, chores and such.  I stuck to the basics, though, tentatively giving him control in a few minor areas to start.

While I didn’t draw a line in the sand and demand he earn my trust or submission, I did hand him more and more large categories as we progressed.  It was never an all-at-once power exchange, but more gradual in nature, despite the amount of time it took from an outside viewpoint.

After sufficient time had passed for us to be more certain of one another, we had another conversation.  We had both hinted at interest in TPE and I had done reading in advance of the conversation.  I chose books on Master / slave relationships, general power exchange, and kink relationships involving Dominance and submission.  Armed with that knowledge, we were able to discuss what we both wanted our relationship to look like moving forward.  I gifted him my safe words as a show of trust, along with any remaining areas of my life he hadn’t already had the final say over.  We agreed to a brief trial period, after which we would discuss how things were working and make any necessary adjustments.

Once we reached that marker, we discussed how we felt things were going.  We are well-matched, and found that things went quite smoothly.  We were discussing my journal entries when they required conversation, and as I became more comfortable sharing my thoughts without hesitation or the buffer of writing them down first, we built that communication into our relationship model, adapting as necessary.

My biggest hurdle was fear of surrendering control so fully.  By taking small steps towards the thing which frightened me, I was able to relax and acclimate, much like wading into a pool of cold water rather than jumping in immediately.  There is no judgment from me towards those who want to make the plunge, it just isn’t my personal preference.  I attribute our success to the time we took to build our foundation, a little at a time, always checking for solidity.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Transactional Kink Relationships

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It can be so easy to fall into.  It makes sense.

We all want to fill our hearts’ desires, yes?

Perhaps it’s something simple.  It’s a frustration, and making a deal will fix it.  “I really need you to do these dishes.  I will have kinky sex with you just the way you want it.”  We both win, right?

But let’s take a step backwards and ask if that’s really what we want our relationships to look like.  Sure, there may be housework that needs to be done, but if your partner isn’t helping and a forthright conversation about how important it is to you doesn’t change things, taking a step onto this path can lead to a dark place.

Ideally, when practicing kink, or sex with our kink, as we all want different things, we employ willing participants.  We want the person or people we play with to not only consent, but be enthusiastic participants.  If sex and kink have reduced in frequency in a relationship, that sounds like something to discuss seriously.  One of the most common areas of contention in relationships is sex.

So instead of having those hard conversations, we barter.  I get what I want, sort of.  You do the dishes.  You get what you want, sort of.  We have unfulfilling kinky sex, with at least one semi-enthusiastic participant.

So the next time frustration hits, it is easy to turn to bartering.  I’ll do it again, you do it again.  How often?  Monthly perhaps.  Sex outside of these transactions becomes almost non-existent.  I have become a whore in truth, exchanging sex and kink for simple help around the house.  Perhaps it always was this way, we simply gave it honesty.

It is an awful feeling to realize we have reduced our sex life to a series of transactional exchanges.  It used to be something that brought us closer that we both enjoyed, but now it is simply another tool, another chore to make time for, and a rather messy, sticky chore at that.

So how do we avoid creating transactional relationships?

That isn’t an easy answer.  I can only offer my experience.  Having had a relationship which went that direction in the past, my instinct is to avoid any type of trade with partners.  I choose to do things for them because I want to bring them joy, such as building one a new flogger or doing the laundry and hanging his shirts the way he likes it done.

I have no expectation that my reciprocation will be anything other than a simple, “thank you,” or a hug.  By letting go of my expectation that I should be receiving some type of reward or compensation for my time and effort, it reduces the likelihood that sex becomes the coin of our relationship.  I want our intimacy and play to be out of mutual desire rather than because either (or any) of us have thoughts that it will be a trade.

My goal is for my relationships to be honest enough to withstand the temptations to become an opportunity to keep score.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidentally got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

When Communication Feels Like A One Way Street

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Communication.

We’ve done our personal introspecting.  We know what we want.  We’ve calmed down about things that we’re upset about.

What do we do when we continue to struggle with communication roadblocks either in our romantic relationships or in our friendships?  Do we get frustrated, blame ourselves, and quit trying to build these new healthy habits, or do we persevere somehow?

Well, it’s likely that you already know my vote is for continuing to work, but that isn’t always the best solution.  Despite my belief that the only way to make relationships work is to get up every morning and decide to continue working on them, there are some times that might not be the healthiest path for us.

We can do our best to be open and honest with people and still not receive those things back.  Perhaps they don’t know how to share in these ways.  This sort of communication takes trust and work.  It is rarely an overnight process.  We have to share a little, feel safe, then continue to expand our sharing as the trust grows.  Knowing it is safe to share those feelings is incredibly important.

We have some advantages.  By practicing communication skills with our kinks and in negotiations, we are laying the groundwork to translate those behaviors elsewhere.  We have to put in the effort to level up that skill set.

Not everyone can build those skills with everyone else.  Some relationships are unhealthy.  Some people are incompatible.  Rather than lifting one another to greater heights, often they bring out the darker qualities in each other.  If attempts at communication are constantly being ignored, if people are keeping score, if one always feels as though they are apologizing, sometimes it takes more than one person making a decision to communicate.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking outside help and resources.

Perhaps that help may come in the form of books written by professionals who understand how to rebuild fractured relationships.  Perhaps it may come in the form of professionals themselves.  Either way, seeking out help is never anything to be ashamed of.  Most of us weren’t raised with the skills to effectively and honestly communicate with our partners no matter how good our parents’ relationships were.  Even if those relationships are / were amazing, it is likely that the heavy lifting of their communication did not happen in such a way that it was passed on to their children naturally.

We all have to fight for it, to learn it for ourselves.  Just because we practice those skills (and I say practice rather than master, as we all have our moments when we are imperfectly human) does not mean that others are equipped to communicate with us that way in return.

Most of us are preprogrammed to be cautious about sharing our feelings.  We see that vulnerability as frightening, and something to avoid.  It often takes a lot for us to open up.  We are often wearing masks which cover our real thoughts and emotions.  When we are rejected with those masks on we think perhaps it won’t hurt as much.  The rejection was not really for us.

By taking off those masks and allowing ourselves to shine brightly for the world to see, we make it a better place.  We strip away the fear and share our stories and experiences.  Others can learn from us.  We offer our vulnerability to the people around us and are rewarded by being seen as strong.  We are lifted up for the gift of truth, as it is a rare gift, indeed.

Unfortunately, sometimes our attempts at nurturing fall on fields which lie fallow.  Barren ground has no nourishment, and a relationship which has no healthy communication brings pain.  Sometimes no other solution can be found and we have to make the difficult decisions to walk away from people who hurt us too much.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

The Evolution Of Limits

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Soft limits.  Hard limits.

No one is truly without limits, even if they say they are.  As soon as we start talking about chewing aluminium foil or chainsaw play, people suddenly realize perhaps they do have some stopping points.

For the new person, excellent starting places are some of the BDSM checklists out there.  Often they list a veritable overflowing cornucopia of activities, and an opportunity to give imput on each.  It gives the new person, in particular, a chance to look through some of the more and less common partner and group pursuits.

For example, a sample section might look like this:

IMPACT ACTIVITIES
Belts  N
Canes  2  (the thuddier the better)
Crops  2
Dragon tails  1
Flogger/cats  5  (love floggers!!)
Paddles  0  <– too stingy!
Single-tail whips  M
Straps  3

The first time I filled out one of those lists, I must have had to look up at least half of the things on it!  What I couldn’t find I asked my play partner for clarification about.  I filled this one out a little randomly to demonstrate.  I used a one to five scale for things I say I am willing to do, with zeros being soft limits and fives being things I love.  I put little M’s for haven’t tried but willing to and N’s next to things that were a solid nope.  The numbers were a scale of how much I liked the things I had previously experienced.  Additionally, I included notes if I had relevant information to share or particularly strong feelings about something.

If that sort of scale is too confusing, it is as simple as listing things with a Y and N, or adding S and H for soft and hard limits.

So my first time filling it out, there must have been N’s next to almost three-quarters of the list.  I was so unwilling to step outside of the walls I had erected for myself.

But that was okay.

My partner respected my limits and was willing to play with me at the level where I drew my lines.

Once we had spent about a month playing in the sandbox I built, I began to realize that those walls were feeling a little confining.  I revisited the list and carefully reviewed all of the items, thinking hard about how I felt when I mentally focused on each activity.

I removed some of the N’s.  I put more things on the list of stuff I was willing to try.  I opened the door to about 20 new activities.

When I presented him with the revised list, he reviewed it carefully, and even made sure to compare it to the prior version so he was very clear what was newly acceptable and what was still on the soft and hard limit list.  Three months later, I took even more N’s ofd of the list.

You see, it is easy to set limits when we haven’t experienced things.  Something sounds scary, so we dismiss it as alien, as clearly unpleasant.  Our limits reflect these fears as well as our experiences.

By allowing ourselves to trust, on both sides of the slash, but in particular on the right side, we open the door for things we might never have known we love.  Of course, the opposite can be true as well.  By experimenting, we can discover that something which sounded interesting is a physical sensation which is too unpleasant to want to repeat.  My personal horror story involves a rubber ring on my clitoris.

We don’t do that anymore.

So as we grow in our experiences, attend testing events, we gradually expand our horizons.  Our limits begin to shift naturally.  By checking in every so often and repeating the same exercise, we can see where the changes have led.  I recommend revisiting around every six months or so when in a trust-filled dynamic or play-partnership which allows for healthy experimentation.  It is possible to find that a goalpost has moved completely while we are paying attention to other things.

At some point in our journeys, we will notice that the expansion slows, or stops.  We have left ourselves open to possibility and have finally reached a place where things aren’t going to change much more, if at all.  By letting trust lead the way, we can truly find ourselves.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

I’ll Share My Daddy But I Won’t Share My Name

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DD/bg (or lg or however you label yours) can be a tricky thing to combine with poly.  It is easy to feel that the strength of the bond prohibits the inclusion of others.

Generally, it tends to be a nurturing relationship, and from what I’ve seen and experienced, can be a bit symbiotic.  Much like adding a sibling can have a period of adjustment, so, too, can adding additional partners to this style of relationship.

Imagine, if you will, that it requires a similar adaptation as going from being an only child to having to share the attention with a new baby, one requiring a lot of attention as the bonding is still in process (also constant crying and feeding and diapers, but that’s less relevant, I think).

I’ve seen people say they prefer monogamy for this style of relationship, and it is definitely true that I see more of the monogamous kink relationships fall under this heading.  That does not, however, mean polyamory is impossible.  It just means it may take a little more navigational assistance.

If nurturing is the default response of domination, the top of the slash partner may find this type of relationship becomes the most likely outcome when beginning any sort of long-term power exchange partnership.  Nurturing two is hardly a leap from nurturing one.

Problems can arise when the bottom of the slash gets scared or jealous.  Some people tend to feel less jealousy when partners seek things we have no hope of providing, such as a bisexual female seeking out a female companion.  They may feel more jealousy when it seems there is another person filling the same roles with their partner that they do.  At that point they may think, why even have two partners?  I am clearly replaceable.

When it comes to jealousy, I’ve found one of the ways to separate the concept of my Daddy relationship from another small’s relationship with my Daddy is to choose different pet names.  While we both may address him as Daddy, it is critical for me that he address us differently.  For him to use my pet name, babygirl, with someone else feels bad, wrong to me.  She can have anything else she likes, such as princess or angel or anything else her heart desires.  By having separate petnames, in my mind, it establishes our dynamics as individual things.

It also helps when the DD makes a concerted effort to maintain as many of the standard routines and practices even while juggling new relationship energy.  By showing the first small she is still valued and still receives attention, it reduces the likelihood of serious sibling rivalry issues.

We forget that each relationship takes its own path.  By setting aside insecurities and giving new “siblings” a chance, sometimes we have the opportunity to form close bonds we might have missed out on otherwise.

Tops can fall into traps, too.  When a relationship has progressed from the learning stage, where we begin to learn to communicate specifically with that partner, to the comfort stage, it can be easy to skip steps with new partners, forgetting that the development of that dynamic may need to progress just as slowly as their first one did.  Communication has to be a two-way street.  If only one person is participating, often things fall apart quickly.  This is even more important when adding to a DD/bg relationship.  The smalls need to find balance and learn to communicate with each other as well, whether or not their relationship is a sexual one.  Communication now must go three ways instead of two.

One way we have addressed that in the past has been to have group chats for the three of us.  All discussions happened together, with the exception of financial conversations which involved only our household bills, since we are nesting partners.  Even when he and I were sharing simple things, such as when we left work or arrived home, it kept his other small part of things.

There are lots of different ways people have found security while sharing a power exchange partner.  The important thing is to discover what essential needs must continue to be met in order to ensure overall happiness for everyone involved.  Someone new coming in can feel like an outsider at first, and remembering to treat them with dignity and respect rather than as an interloper can go a long way towards healthier relationships for everyone involved.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication 101: Being Honest With Someone Else

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Communication can be a challenging thing.  I advocate practicing until it becomes natural.  Recently, I suggested beginning the communication process by taking some time and being honest with yourself about your feelings, since it is impossible to be honest with a partner if we don’t know what we want, or are unwilling to admit it to ourselves.

That is the first step.

Once you know what you want, the challenge becomes how best to express that to a partner.  We have strong beliefs in our society that we have to conceal our emotions, lest we be thought of as overly emotional or weak.

I like to call my variant of communication “Diplomatic Honesty.”

My first rule for myself is to never communicate important issues when I am overly emotional about them.  As tempting as it is to shove my hurt or anger at someone else and force a response, it is rarely a healthy solution, and generally does not provide positive results.  Waiting until my emotions are no longer overwhelming may mean an hour, and in some cases, it may mean I need to sleep on it.  If during this time my partner inquires as to my emotional state, rather than the stock, “I’m fine,” (which would be a lie, to be clear), I instead let him know that I’m having some feelings and I need a little time to process them.  He has learned to respect this time, and we can discuss the issue when I am ready.

Once I have finished processing and am more calm, I find quiet time when I can discuss my feelings with my partner.  Let’s say for the sake of discussion that he has informed me that he has realized he has romantic love for another partner and my initial response was a wave of jealousy.  After having been honest with myself about why I had that feeling (fear that he’ll love her more than he loves me, that she’s prettier, nicer, better in bed, or that our relationship will change), I need to be honest with him that I had it, even if I feel it has been resolved.  Honesty isn’t just about select moments or when it is convenient.  If I had an emotion which might have an effect on our relationship, he needs to know.

During that quiet time, I have to be open to the possibility that there are things I haven’t considered, and that those may be pointed out to me.  A discussion should be about learning on both sides.

Once we’ve sat down, I touch my partner in a loving way.  We maintain loving physical contact during these discussions, as we find it helps us keep perspective and avoid losing our tempers.  This is how I would handle the issue I described.

“Daddy, I want to tell you that I had some feelings.  When you told me you love [Insert Name Here], I felt a twinge of jealousy.  After doing some thinking, I realized it brought up some old insecurities.”

At that point we can discuss.  I didn’t blame him for the issue, but instead let him know what my feeling was and why I believed it was happening, so we could deal with it together.

Diplomatic.  No blaming.  This happened.  These are my feelings.  Conversations can be very productive if we have consideration for our partners.

Their job is to listen and respond with intent to solve, rather than to blame in turn.  This is a two-person (or more) job.

So for the partners, when someone you love comes to you with concerns, feelings, a conversation that needs to happen, take a breath.  We all have imperfections, so it is important to avoid feeling or responding defensively.  Denying an issue won’t solve it.  A conversation and some compromise will.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication 101: Be Honest With Yourself

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Communication is a tricky beast.  You can’t communicate your feelings with someone else if you haven’t taken the time to process them and be honest with yourself.

I say again for the people in the back:  you can’t be honest with a partner or partners if you lie to yourself.

We have strange relationships with feelings in our society.  We like to believe some feelings are bad, and that we need to stop having them.  The truth is, feelings are just that:  feelings.  They aren’t right or wrong, they just are.  By giving ourselves permission to have feelings rather than trying to stamp them down, we leave room to explore the roots of those feelings and work towards emotions we find more pleasurable.

This is where the honesty with self comes in.

Let’s take a look at jealousy.

We tend to look at jealousy as a negative emotion.  People get a little uppity when they talk about it:  well, I’m not a jealous person.  The thing we forget is that jealousy can help us.  It is much like a weather vane before a storm.  It can tell us that some need isn’t being met.  Sometimes that need is emotional security.  Sometimes it is a need unrelated to the relationship in question, such as a need for more general positive attention, perhaps at work, or a need for more balance at home if there is a great deal of unrest or turmoil.  Being able to recognize and explore the root of jealousy when it occurs can help us find better solutions to create relief.

I hate to go there, but when looking at this next negative emotion, sadness, the movie Inside Out is actually pretty great.  Sadness can help motivate us, and help bond us with our friends, partners, and chosen family.  Taking the time to explore the reasons we are sad, such as fear of loss, can help point us in other directions for healing.  Anxiety can have similar function.  I was able to explore my own anxieties to uncover fear of abandonment.  Although working through that fear has been a painful process rather than a quick, easy fix, finding and soothing some of those old wounds has ultimately improved my overall happiness and satisfaction.

The first thing we need to do when faced with a negative emotion is stop and remind ourselves it is okay to have those feelings, though we don’t want to bathe in them and exacerbate the problem.

Once we have taken a moment, a breath, we can ask ourselves why we think we are feeling those things.  While understanding the surface cause is important, since that sparked the emotion, it is also important to dig a little deeper.

Without taking the time to truly understand ourselves, there is absolutely no way to communicate what we need to a partner.

I have used the example of the Marvel movies before as one of the few rules in our relationship.  Early on, my Daddy and I couldn’t schedule time to go see Thor:  The Dark World with each other.  He made plans to go with friends opening night.  Afterwards, I realized how much it meant to me that we take that time and go see those movies together.  It wasn’t instantaneous, though.  I didn’t just realize I was experiencing jealousy the moment he arrived home.  It came in stages, as the preview came on while we were sitting together over the next couple of weeks.  Once I finally realized it was bothering me, I had to understand why.  It was something I saw as special that related back to childhood things that I needed to acknowledge as part of my foundation.  Once I understood myself, I was able to sit down with him and express those feelings in a way that made me feel heard without coming across as hurtful or blaming.

But that’s another story!

Until then, the next time you find yourself struggling with negative emotions, remember to stop, take a moment to reflect, and if necessary, let your partner or partners know that while you have some things to share, you need to spend some time processing where your emotions are coming from.

And good luck!

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

No One’s Ex Owns The Scene

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I’ve tried to write this piece before.  Unfortunately, it is hard to talk about things which upset us when we are still emotional.  So this took some time.

We all have ex-people.  Maybe it is an ex-friend, an ex-play partner, an ex-lover, spouse, whatever.  Some relationship stopped moving forward for all of us and we walked away or were left behind.  Maybe we get along fine with our exes or maybe the split was hostile enough that we avoid them.

It may compound the issue if you have some communication challenges with one another.  Perhaps you both struggle to find harmony in their feelings of being wronged, whatever the situation may have been.

We all do so enjoy being the good guy.

Childish behavior may occur.  Staring across the room, deliberate ignoring, even some grouping with friends may happen.

If the other person has been part of their local scene longer, it can feel like an uphill battle.  It might be tempting to walk away, particularly when spotting that person’s name on a Fet event that you’d like to attend.  When people have a lot of friends in their local scene can feel as if they hold the advantage in social situations.

I tend to be a little nervous around people.  As someone for whom big gatherings are a bit scary anyhow, it would be easy to give up on my local scene after having a partnership dissolve.  Whether a casual play relationship that ended in hard feelings or a romantic one that did, the temptation exists to just avoid local events.

Our city is a big place, and Daddy and I have limited time.  You won’t see us at three events every weekend.  You might see us twice a month.  Tops.

When there are groups for submissives, switches, tops, spankos, swingers, book readers, poly people, gamers, short people, littles, primals, and any number of other special interests, plus several larger groups to choose from, one would think it would be easy to safely avoid attending the same things as people we’d prefer to avoid.  We often choose to attend larger events for the classes offered or because our schedules don’t always make attendance at the special interest events possible.  Unfortunately, larger events mean a higher likelihood of having that awkward moment when I hear the person I didn’t want to see standing directly behind my back and very loudly talking but pretending to ignore my presence.

So as someone who had a hard time joining the local scene in the first place, I find moments like that hideous and hurtful.  I also find them good reasons to arrive early and leave early.  Like, thanks for the spanking, it was fun, hate to spank and run, but I have to work in the morning, or some such.

There is one group I can safely say I will never attend now, since my instinct is to avoid awkwardness rather than to court it.  Others I will have to really want to learn what they have scheduled or have plans with friends to find it worth driving across town.  Knowing the possibility exists that I will spend the whole event feeling uncomfortable, it makes me less inclined to drive 45 minutes to and from and pay a cover charge for the experience.

So all of that makes it tempting to just let them have it all.  Let the exes and broken relationships keep the parties and the people.  We already have our own group in a slightly different area, and have a lot of fun together.  We don’t need play parties to enjoy the company of other kinksters.

But we refuse to give up our community.  We may not be as well known, but we also haven’t done anything to deserve not being included.  We will persevere.  Daddy and I will continue to go to events when they have educational opportunities we desire (when we can schedule them).  We will go and say hello to friends, perhaps making some new ones.  He will hold my hand and remind me that one person doesn’t own the local scene, and we have as much right to be there as anyone else.

And when perseverance needs a break, we’ll enjoy the group we’ve built, a small family in its infancy.

Because our ex doesn’t own our local scene.

Neither does yours.

Note:  This is in reference to regular relationships dissolving rather than consent violations or predators in the scene.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Accepting the Humanity In Our Community

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We all understand that we are imperfect creatures.  Whatever this mysterious “perfection” is, it is nothing attainable by humans.  Our art will not be exactly symmetrical, our live music will be flawed in some manner, and even our bodies are not reflective from one half to the other.

Yet we find beauty in symmetry, both in nature and in each other.  We hold up examples of humans who are more symmetrical as a standard of attractiveness.  We seek their perfection.

Yet it cannot truly be found.

Just so, none of us are examples of perfection in temperament.  We will make mistakes, have lapses in judgement, and even simply have bad days.  That shows in all of our relationships.

For me in particular, I see Daddy’s imperfections handled with so much honesty and integrity that it makes me admire Him even more.

When we began our journey together, we had a serious conversation about mistakes, about accidents.  What we do has risk and holds danger, and we don’t ever treat that lightly, despite our occasional silliness or playfulness.  We understand that the longer we play together, the closer our chances get to 100% probability of an incident.

In fact, we have had issues.  There have been scenes between us when we didn’t quite find our rhythm and things felt off, often due to outside stressors or influences.  Earlier on, we tripped hidden land mines from my prior negative experiences which induced a panic attack.  We have had two of those, one not scene-related, and happily it has been over a year since the last.

He takes responsibility for His part in problems, and doesn’t believe that His role in our relationship as Leader gifts Him with magical infallibility or perfection.  When something goes wrong, whether during physical play or just in an emotional sense, He owns His part.

He has gifted me with high standards.

I see the honor with which He composes Himself, and when I interact with others who do not maintain those standards, I struggle.  I struggle with them as people and with them as community members or leaders.  My issues come with people who do not seem to hold themselves to values of right and wrong.  My issues come with people who seem to make our community into high school cliques.  My issues come with those it seems must believe in their rightness to the exclusion of all else.  My issues come with those who lie and still call themselves great communicators.  I struggle with those who do not welcome newcomers to our world, those who are the Gatekeepers of Kink, mocking instead of helping.

I see those characteristics in so many people.  To me, they seem to stand firm on the hill upon which they have chosen to make their stands and will not be moved.

Is part of the issue that those nobler behaviors exist in them and I just don’t see them?  They can be easy to overlook when they don’t conform to my personal view of honor.  When we see people online, or even in public, we only see snapshots, small moments in time.

I have a very black or white mentality in some areas.  Perhaps that leaves me as the judgmental one, the one with the glaring flaws, looking down upon perfectly good and kind folk I have judged based upon one moment of interaction I witnessed or experienced.

Me?

I just want to be a good person, to my partner and to everyone else I encounter.  Is that what I show others?  Am I living up to my own expectations?

We all want to live up to our own ideals.  Perhaps I need to accept the humanity in others rather than expecting them to live up to mine.

After all, we are one community, united in kink, whether we all like one another or not.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.