Christmas Bunny

I see educational posts about STI’s every now and again.  I think that education is excellent.  While I’m no expert, I think the current method of showing video slides of worse-case outbreaks is the kind of public information that can really hurt people.  Yes, that’s what my now-21-year-old reported as his sex-ed from high school.

So my main concern when reading such educational material is the lack of information in them (and elsewhere!) regarding the intersection of a supressed or deficient immune systems and potential increased risk for STI’s.

After asking some curious questions and finding very little information, I hit up “teh googles.”

I should probably start with some background.

My partner, my Dominant, my Master, my Daddy, my love without end which encompasses my being, is immunosuppressed from an organ transplant many years ago.  What this means for us:  when people have sniffles or sick kids, even when they may not present visible symptoms, he can end up with a worse-than-average childhood disease that he shouldn’t be able to contract past age six.

In the most recent event, that specific disease was viral, and fortunately ran its course in a normal time frame.  Unfortunately, the effects were on the severe end of the scale during its run and he still experiences the fallout even months later.

Other times it is as simple as a coworker coming in to work with a cough, and him fighting bronchitis for the next six to eight weeks, usually with multiple courses of antibiotics required.

Even dental work can require preventative antibiotics for him, and simple cuts must be watched closely to be sure they heal properly.

Why is this relevant in a Kink-related discussion?  Multiple reasons.  We interact with immunodeficient individuals more often than we realize.  Having diabetes or auto-immune diseases, being an organ transplant recipient or HIV positive are all examples of ways someone can have a compromised immune system, though some may have a more obviously extreme effect than others.

It means my partner and any other immunocompromised individual is at risk any time they attend an event if someone is attending who is carrying airborne germs.  Obviously, that likelihood increases when they directly interacts with someone who is contagious, but as long as a virus is capable of being transmitted in active form, it has the potential to infect.

If an infection is transmitted via blood, such as a nick or scratch, my partner is at a much higher risk than someone with a healthy immune system.  This makes casual play very ill-advised for him, particularly in a public venue where he is more exposed, meaning his play tends to be limited to close friends he has spent a great deal of time getting to know.

It also takes casual sex off of the table.  While there are transmissible STI’s which are curable, his immunosuppressed status makes it more likely that he would experience side effects which are more severe than the average person’s.  They also mean he would be fighting them off much longer.

STI’s which are not curable are an even bigger threat.  Transplant patients who have caught HPV have experienced such extreme constant outbreaks that one reported having to have the growths lasered off yearly.  When her medications were adjusted and she seemed to be improving, her body began to reject her transplanted organ.  Her choice is to live with a condition which limits her sexual pleasure and feelings of self worth, or risk death again in attempts to combat the infection.  According to her interview, she was contemplating complete removal of her outer labia as a possible solution.

While I was unable to find any additional accounts of individuals with other lifelong STI’s, given the potential risk to an immunodeficient individual, the kink world presents significant hazards.  This is not to say that these risks do not exist outside of kink, merely that we, as practitioners, have things which must be taken into account when dealing with others.

Individuals who are at risk need to inform partners at the outset, so that proper precautions can be taken.  While some STI’s are only transmitted via bodily fluids, HPV can be transmitted simply by contact with the genital area, and condoms will not protect from infection.  This makes it all the more important for individuals who are positive for STI’s to disclose this information and allow partners to make informed decisions.  In some cases there is much less risk when dealing with those who have healthy immune systems than with someone who immunodeficient.

Honesty.  Integrity.  Understanding.

Part of what we do in the BDSM community is risk assessment.  Understanding that some individuals have different requirments when assessing risk for interactions is just as important as being to make compassionate, understanding and informed decisions about potential partners.

Source material:

Genital Warts, HPV, and Immunosuppressive Therapy – STD Interviews

https://youngwomenshealth.org/2017/03/29/sexual-health-and-solid-organ-transplant-recipients/

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

There is a long-lasting standoff in the BDSM about monogamy versus polyamory.  Some people who prefer monogamy feel pressured into polyamorous models by their partners, and some who prefer poly structures can be pressured into monogamy.  Based on my observations, these attempts usually end badly.  When resentment is a key component in a relationship, it deteriorates.  It cannot improve without banishing that resentment, and some fundamental differences have no healthy compromise.  Fundamental differences in monogamy vs polyamory are one of those areas.

To be clear, I beleive neither the superior model.  One does not have to belittle an opposing view to accept that it may work better for some people.  For me, polyamory is a more natural fit, but that does not make it inherently better.  It does, however, still require as much, if not more work, than monogamy (which is not an excuse for monogamous folks to slack on communicating).

There are myriads of ways to structure poly relationships.  If you talk to four long-term practitioners of polyamory, you will likely hear four different relationship models.  The important part is making them work for the participating individuals.

Polyfidelity is an offshoot of polyamory.  It generally references a group of people who are only intimate with a closed group.  It could be a triad formation, or a closed quad, but the thing in common is that they are sexually fidelitous within an agreed upon and limited number of people.

Polyfidelity can have its own unique challenges.  Some practitioners of polyamory scoff at those who practice polyfidelity, seeing them merely a step above those who practice monogamy, when in truth, we can all learn from one another.  Those views can make it difficult to find as much support from the poly community as others do.

Additionally, those relationships can have their own inherent set of complications.

Imagine, if you will, a triad.  Often these are composed of a couple and a third who has become an addition.  We will also, for the sake of argument, imagine that they have overcome the hurdles of prioritizing and avoided hierarchical polyamory, making everyone feel equally valuable within their structure.

Living situations become a challenge.  As long as all three are making time for one another in various ways, such as P1 and P2 spending time separately from P1 and P3, and P2 and P3 schedule time, things can run a little more smoothly.

But what happens when P1 and P2 are nesting partners (living together) and the third doesn’t get as much time?

This can lead to that person not getting needs met in some key areas:  time; attention; physical intimacy; etc.  By setting up ground rules which will allow P3 to get those needs met in other ways, with other partners, whether it be for impact play, cuddles, or other intimacy, it can ease some of those problems.  If that partner insists upon having their needs solely met by P1 and P2 it can cause inequalities or if P1 and P2 believe it okay to demand they be the only ones to fill those needs, resentments will build.

The same can happen in polyfidelitous quads, which I have often seen occur in two compatible couples.  These couples have a partner to meet a portion of their needs from the beginning, but still want their other needs met as well, and balancing that among four can be a scheduling challenge (I recommend a calendar app).  It can also set up some guilty feelings and feelings of jealousy about the way partners are connecting with others, and those feelings need to be addressed.

M/s and D/ s relationships can often be confused for being naturally polyamorous, though this does not have to be the case.  Some people who have been part of the Kink Community for extended periods choose one partner and one alone.  Others choose to have a structure where one Master or Dominant has more than one submissive or switch, who may or may not be emotionally or sexually involved with one another.

Ultimately, while my preference is non hierarchical kitchen table polyamory, each polycule has to find its own way and create the dynamic which works best for them.  As a community, I see our role as supporters, nurturers who share experiences and learn from one another rather than telling anyone they are doing it wrong.  We always have room to grow and room to learn in every new experience and partnership.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

I am often inspired by snippets of conversation or a phrase, which once uttered, drive my brain in circles until I chase the thought to its completion.  This time, Daddy and I were talking about successful relationships.

Superbowl being a thing, I laughed that if we were talking sports, my stats would be pretty terrible.  Of the more serious relationships in my lifetime of more than a few months, I’m looking at a success rate of one in eleven.

If I worked professionally, I’d have been fired for those numbers.  One sale out of eleven?  One completed pass?  Those are terrible stats.

Yet for some reason, that one successful, healthy relationship qualifies me to share my experiences.  I struggled to understand why.

Somehow failure, which is seen as a negative in so many different areas, has been a force for good when it comes to relating to others.  Our missed opportunities and relationship bloopers have become the foundation for future success.

When we, as social creatures, first begin dating, often we don’t know what we want in relationships.  They are simply motivated by mutual attraction.  It us only when something doesn’t work well that we can take that lesson forward.  A rejection.  A failed relationship.  These become our teachers.

Perhaps the failure can be attributed to jealousy.  The next time you resolve to seek a partner with the knowlege that you need someone with healthier understandings of interpersonal relationships and better self-esteem.

As we continue to fail, our relationship requirements become more finely tuned.  Perhaps broad categories are no longer specific enough.  Wanting a good communicator becomes wanting someone who can be a good communicater under pressure.  We hone the skills we desire to see in others in ourselves.

Learning more about what we want in our partners isn’t the only benefit to failed relationships.  When we fail, if we are honest, we spend some time attempting to examine our own part in that failure.  Did I prioritize this partner highly enough?  Did I schedule time with them in ways that helped them feel important or loved, or was I caught up in my life and my needs?  Was I an effective communicator, or did I hold things in I probably should have discussed with them?  Being able to honestly answer those questions helps us become better partners the next time we try.

I used to believe that a failed relationship required two (or more) people making mistakes in order to be unsuccessful.  As I have grown and progressed, I have come to understand that sometimes one partner can communicate and do the right things, and not have that reciprocated in the relationship.

It can be particularly difficult to feel as though you are communicating only to have it interpreted in ways you did not intend.  It is the classic:  no, you don’t look fat in those pants statement only to have the recipient receive that to mean they look fat in the shirt instead.  Sometimes we have to learn to speak the languages of our partners, which may mean adapting our own style.  These adaptations require being open to listening to the needs of those around us, and working towards better understanding.  Unfortunately, they can also mean that should that relationship end, we have learned a foreign language we may never use again in that dialect.  At least those lessons can remain part of how we learn to better interact with future partners.

My partner reminds me that my stats start to look more impressive when we remember that some haven’t found their success yet.  Perhaps they’ve had small successes or ones which seem successful, only to find later that those things were, in fact, more lessons to be learned along the way.  However we choose to view it, the important thing is that we continue to grow in our relationships and find opportunity to learn in all of these moments in life.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communication, communication, communication.

We hear that word so much in the Kink Community it is a wonder we aren’t all sick to death of talking about talking.  The problem is, do we really talk about it?  Do we really teach others how to do it?  Or do we, instead, say the word and assume that is enough?  You have to communicate better.  Lesson learned.  Why didn’t I think of that?

I took piano lessons as a kid.  I studied for five years.  I would dutifully go home and practice whatever I had ploddingly banged out in my lesson, repeating songs over and over, going back to the beginning if I made a mistake.

The beginnings of my songs were always spectacular.  The ends, not so much.

In college I took piano lessons again.  After a couple of weeks my professor stopped me.

“How are you practicing?” he asked.

I looked at him in confusion.  Obviously I was playing the song.

After pulling details out of me about my practice habits, he clarified his expectations of practice.  I was to review individual sections when I had trouble, repeating them until my muscle memory engaged the corrections.  Only then would I put the completed parts together and play the piece from the beginning.  According to him, I had never practiced before, not really.  But then, no one had ever taken the time to frame their expectations of my practice time.  What I had done instead was to just play songs.  With his assistance, my playing became that much stronger.

The same lesson applies to communication.  If no one ever breaks down how we should communicate and only says that we should, we are left to puzzle out the method ourselves, and will fully believe any conversation should qualify.

It begins with honesty.  First honesty with oneself, for without that, you cannot be honest with another.  This isn’t the kind of honesty about casual details, such as where you grew up and your elementary school best friend’s name.  This isn’t even the kind of honesty that comes when we talk about past trauma, though that is extremely important.  Often, that honesty is mistaken for a much more rare kind.

The kind of honesty that it really starts with is the ability to share feelings and express them in words in a kind way.  It is one thing to be able to share feelings when they explode out, but completely different to be able to have those conversations when they can happen before resentments pop up.  This may sometimes mean talking through an issue more than once until all stress points are resolved.

Just as important as being able to communicate those feelings, is an ability to listen and process without deflecting.  We have a tendency to take things personally, and feelings are often mistaken as attacks.  For example, a situation came up with my Daddy when I was extremely jealous.  He had gone to see Thor the Dark World with some friends, and I hadn’t been able to attend due to scheduling issues.  We hadn’t realized that I found Marvel movies to be our special “us” thing, and that while I welcomed company, him seeing it without me was upseting.  I talked to him about my feelings, including the fact that I felt irrational having those feelings, which contributed to my confusion, and we were able to work out a positive compromise for future events in order to deal with what we identified as my needs.

It could very easily gone another way.  Had I become angry and attacked him for my feelings that exchange would likely have been unproductive.  Instead, I discovered a feeling, identified it as such to him, and we calmly discussed it.  Had he responded defensively, it is also unlikely that I would have wanted to continue sharing my feelings with him when future opportunities arose, since I would have learned that those conversations were unproductive.

Both partners are responsible for good communication.  Every time an opportunity arises, they both have to fully participate, once as an active communicator, the other as an active listener.

We have a saying in our house.

Feelings aren’t good or bad.  They just are.

Most of the time they happen without our permission.  Being able to discuss first that a feeling occurred which needs to be shared, and then what its possible root causes are is essential to good communication.  Just like learning a song on the piano, it isn’t just about plowing straight through without attending the problem spots along the way.  It is, instead, about discovering a rough place and taking the time to smooth it before continuing the journey, hopefully with more skill to work through future rough spots with every experience.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Photography by Mistress Laurent

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