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Christmas Bunny

Relationship Dynamics

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Dominatrix: Mercenary Mistress
Photographer: Danny Stygion
Corset: FetCraft
MUA: Texas Dela Rosa
Shoes: Refuse To Be Usual
Location: Austin Dungeon

Relationship dynamics are so very individual.  Vanilla or kink, everyone has to develop their own working model.  The funny thing is that if you google the words “relationship dynamic definition,” you get a bunch of articles and book recommentations, but no actual definition.  I thought I’d take a stab at it.

Relationship:

noun
  1. the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.
  2. The way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other.

Dynamic:

adjective
  1. (of a process or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.
noun
  1. a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.

Using the dictionary as our foundation, then, we can create a better definition than just waving our hands about to encompass BDSM and talking mystically about our dynamics, expecting others to nod along.  I argue we can define it thus:

Relationship dynamic:

  1. the way in which two or more people are connected and behave toward each other, characterized by constant change or progress.

I really like the part that implies that relationships are constantly growing and adapting, because that’s definitely how I see it.  The question then becomes how does one find the mythical “relationship dynamic” and wht kinds of dynamics can one build?

Obviously, the most common relationship structure that gets attention in Kink is that of a Dominant / submissive pairing, though polyamorous structures are possibly even more common.  I also tend to see quite a bit of literature on structuring Master / slave relationships.  Any of the relationships we build in the Kink Community can be as sexual or non-sexual as the participants desire.

The things we don’t tend to see as much of are pairings such as Handler / pet or even Daddy / little or middle or babygirl, Stag / vixen, and a host of other possible combinations.  Perhaps because I’ve been looking I have seen more informative writings about those types of relationships lately, though they have required me to search with more deliberation to find them.  It gets even more interesting when we begin to combine elements from different areas of kink into one relationship dynamic.  Perhaps an individual identifies as a submissive but also a primal prey.  It is easier to find a match in a Dominant Primal Hunter than when someone identifies in ways which seem conflicting.

Those large categories can often carry some societal assumptions, even within our more open-minded community.  Think for a moment of the word submissive.  We often make some broad generalizations about an individual who identifies that way.  We assume that person must either accept pain or be a masochist along with that submission, but those things don’t have to go together.

What happens to someone who clearly identifies as submissive bottom but who is also a sadist?  Does this person require poly structures to get what they want, since the likelihood of finding a Dominant masochist is smaller, or hold out hope of finding everything they need in one partner?  That is a decision only that person can make, but it reminds us that even broad categories can be confining.

It can become even more challenging when an individual identifies in more than two categories.  I identify as a babygirl, but also as a submissive and as a slave / property.  Finding a Daddy Domiant / Master was quite a challenge.  For me, though, the rewards of being able to develop a relationship dynamic which feeds more of what I need was well worth the effort it took to discover and develop it.

I get a lot of questions from people who are wanting to develop similar structures, or even other types of less common combinations, but are unsure how.  Prehaps they have read something I wrote and notice that I tend to swap back and forth between terms of address for my Dominant, and they are left with quesrions.  We are often faced with people who want others to be only one thing, to be more easily categorized.  That may work well for some, but there are many of us who don’t feel one category adequately describes either us or the relationships we build.  Sometimes it helps to look to others who have built similar structures and engage them in dialogue.  The one piece of advice I can offer is this.

Time.

There’s a song about time and patience.  Unfortunately, for those of us who want to build any relationship, we have to start from the ground up.  From individuals who only want a relationship which falls into one category to those who want theirs to span several, they all require participants to clearly communicate both their desires and their needs for the relationship.  Those things may be different, and deciding if something is a need vs a want can be challenging.

Once each individual has determined their needs and wants, they should communicate those to one another.  I find sitting with a written list can help ensure I’m not forgetting anything I felt was important enough to discuss.  I have a tendency to bunny trail a bit…

After having communicated, the relationship can be adjusted to accommodate those agreed-upon aspects, as well as to see what is working and what isn’t.  Perhaps it may even include adding additional elements that had been on the “want” portion of the list but which have transitioned to the “need” portion.  Those things rarely remain static in an individual, let alone a pairing or poly grouping.  This can be similar to a renegotiation, and may involve sitting down with lists again for a conversation, or can be as simple as a few words of agreement as an aspect comes up and requires attention.

I firmly believe that one of the most important characteristics of a healthy long-term relationship dynamic is fluidity.  The ability to adjust to the changes and emergencies life can often bring may make the difference in the longevity of the partnership.

Like any other structure, such as homes or boats, building a relationship dynamic requires time and effort to create something which will not crumble when stormy weather assails it.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Go Get A Cookie

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Dirk Hooper Photography

I was terrified to go to my first munch.  I’m not sure what depravity I was expecting, or maybe it was fear of being judged for the secret kinky things that I wanted and was afraid to share.  Either way, it was frightening.

Daddy and I decided to go early and eat dinner at the location, to get a feel for things.  The food was good, I think, but it might as well have been a plate of broccoli covered in pickle juice for all the interest I had in eating it.  I just kept watching people come in the restaurant and head for the meeting room on the second floor.  Daddy had to reprimand me several times to stop people-watching and eat.

Surprisingly enough, no one was wearing black latex or leather gear in public.  Go figure.  No one had a partner on a leash.  Some had come from work and were in business or business casual attire.  Others were dressed in jeans.  Everyone looked pretty normal.

We finally finished eating and joined the rest of the group.  It was a newcomer munch, and everyone else except the leaders seemed as nervous as I felt.  Most were quiet.

It was a good thing they had a pamphlet.  They had a lot of information to cover.  There was talk of negotiating scenes, etiquette for respecting dynamics at events, what to expect at parties, special interest groups, and so much more.  To be fair, I had learned some of that from my extensive reading, but I imagine it was quite helpful to those without partners or with significantly less experience than we walked into the room with.

I think my favorite concept from our local community, which I have heard in other places as well, is the “Go Get a Cookie,” way of dealing with things.

Say you are at party and there is a particularly intense scene involving needle play.  You happen to have a phobia about needles and watching that makes you feel nauseous and a little dizzy.  What are your options?

Well, you could interrupt the scene and suggest they do that sort of thing somewhere where they won’t offend or upset others.

NOPE!

You could speak with the dungeon monitor and explain that you have an issue with needles and that you’d like the DM to have that scene stopped.

Not your job!

You can go get a cookie.

That’s right.  You walk away.  If you cannot watch needle play without feeling nauseous or faint, you should walk away and not watch.  The people who negotiated that scene have every right to play there in public if they so desire, and the right to do so without your interference.

When you walk away to go get a cookie, perhaps you retreat to the refreshment area and get an actual cookie or a drink.  Maybe that means you step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Either way, it means that you walk away from something you find uncomfortable.

Hopefully, if people want to have a scene which may contain elements that can concern others, they have communicated their intent to the DM, so that if you do happen to speak with that person, he or she can explain that the scene has been negotiated and cleared, and then can suggest that you go get a cookie.

Maybe it isn’t needles that are the problem.  Perhaps it is a scene where the bottom is being kicked or punched, an emotional masochism scene, or a scene involving knives or blood or CNC that bother you.  It is important to remember that people come to events and play in public for their own reasons.  Perhaps the people involved feel safer with public play during their early scenes.  Perhaps they enjoy a little exhibitionism.  It could be more impromptu play, or they may have neighbors who might contact law enforcement about screams.  Whatever their reasons, they deserve the respect and safety of uninterrupted scenes as much as the rest of us.  If it bothers you, go and get a cookie.

There is absolutely no shame in walking away.  We all have areas of discomfort, and they will be different for everyone.  I had zero problems watching a CNC demo scene at a party, but skipped the sounding demo since the thought made me feel flinchy, and I didn’t even have the correct “equipment” to worry about.

The great part about “Go Get a Cookie” is how useful it can be in other areas.  It doesn’t have to be physical.  Don’t like a Facebook post your dad put up about politics?  Go get a cookie.  See something on Fet about someone’s consensual non-consent and you feel the need to immediately explain to them how they are doing it wrong?  Go get a cookie.  These are helpful life skills.

We may not always succeed, but hopefully, the goal of having a kink community is to find some acceptance for our personal kinks.  In order to receive that acceptance, we need to accept others for theirs.  Sometimes that may mean reading something we don’t agree with and just scrolling on past.  I think that is a skill we could all do with a little more of.  Accepting does not mean we have to agree with, watch things, or participate in things which make us uncomfortable, it just means we need to walk away and let others continue with the happiness and enjoyment they find.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

When Something is Broken, Adding More Moving Parts Isn’t Going to Fix It

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I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions in the name of relationship preservation.

A baby

A pet

A marriage

A monogamous partner agreeing to open a relationship

Those first three seem pretty logical.  A relationship with problems isn’t going to improve by adding the stressors of a new pet or an infant and sleepless nights leading to shorter tempers.  While I have never personally tried procreation as method of holding onto someone else, having children certainly hasn’t stopped anyone from having terrible relationships, they just tend to hold people in bad situations for longer than they should have.  This seems to be a general human problem, as I’ve seen its unfortunate side effects in both kinky and vanilla partnerships.

The one I really want to talk about, though, is opening up a relationship.

It seems to be a common misconception that if monogamy isn’t working, attempting an open relationship or some other form of polyamory is a potential solution.

Stop.

Seriously, stop it right there.

Have you ever seen a repairman work on a car or washing machine or a.c. unit?  

Generally, when a part breaks, they suggest replacing it or repairing it.

I have never once heard one suggest rerouting the system and adding some new pieces to get around the broken one.  Not ever.

Oddly enough, I have often heard people suggest opening a relationship to fix the problems, instead of just repairing the broken pieces.

However we each may choose to fashion our polyamory within our own groupings, there are one or two things most can agree must be part of it.  Above all, I would argue that the million dollar word is communication, followed closely by trust. Generally speaking, failing relationships often lack either one or both of those important elements.

Furthermore, if the relationship is deteriorating, what is the motivation for attempting a last ditch save?  Is it a matter of how much time has been expended in pursuit of happiness with this person already or shared possessions or finances?  Better to walk away while those conversations can happen in a more positive manner.

Now, I certainly don’t want to be judgy.  There is one situation in which the act of opening up a relationship which had been monogamous may help, but only if the issue is that one or both partners is polyamorous and monogamy has become the problem.  Even then, this is going to require a lot of communication and reassurance if you plan to move forward with a mono / poly situation. There are, however, support groups for monogamous people with polyamorous partners, both on Fetlife and Facebook, who genuinely desire to help each other find peace with what can be a challenging pairing.

Don’t forget the communication.

It’s the rest of you I’m talking to.  It’s the ones who made it until the kids left home and discovered you no longer know your partner and aren’t sure you like what you see.  It’s the ones who have a serial cheater and think an open relationship will stop the cheating. It’s for the ones who have had a steadily declining sex life who think adding other sexual partners may be the solution.

Okay, well, for that last one, it may actually be the solution- if it is solely a case of vastly different sex drives.  However, if the diminishing frequency of sex is indicative of problems other than unequal drives, the likelihood of an open relationship being the solution to the problem is low.

Where was I?  Oh, yes. Serial cheaters and general incompatibilities.

To preface this, I am not a psychologist. With that being said, my reading and personal experience has indicated that serial cheating can possibly be the manifestation of someone struggling to come to grips with being non-monogamous.  For others, it can be akin to a fetish because there is nothing quite like that thrill of sneaking around and having something forbidden.

Either way, opening a relationship with this person will lack trust.  Best case scenario, the serial cheater becomes happily polyamorous and has all of the variety and companionship their heart desires.  The partner who stayed with them, however, will still have some serious problems trusting them. Sure, now they are seeing other people openly, but what other rules might that person be breaking?  Trust, once broken, is the hardest thing to regain.

For the serial cheater who gets off on the thrill of it, well, they will just find new ways to get that thrill.  Maybe, it will be bringing a lover home to cavort in a shared bed. Maybe, it will be unprotected sex, or something that puts everyone at risk.  It could just be something minor like taking dates to the restaurant only you two go to. That person will find their thrill somehow.

I would argue that there is one more big reason serial cheaters do what they do.  I believe some people lack self-awareness. They understand they aren’t happy with a partner, but lack the capacity to express it or even understand why.  Perhaps they’ve been together a long time and it seems as if they should be happy. These cheaters aren’t going to change their ways when a relationship opens up.  They still subconsciously want out and will find a way to sabotage things the same way they’ve been trying to do all along. They only question is how they finally succeed.

When it comes to attempting to fix general dissatisfaction or incompatibility with a partner, adding more partners isn’t going to change those things.  If this is a relationship you both believe is worth saving, see a counselor or do some serious work and make it a priority. These things didn’t get that way overnight, and they aren’t going to be fixed that way, either.  

For the rest of you who want to open your relationship because you want to have new experiences, or you have so much love to give one person can’t contain it all, or for those who just cannot comprehend monogamy because you feel we are not biologically programmed for it, or because you just don’t want to settle down, I hope you find the happiness that is possible for any type of relationship you desire.

This can happen with two things, of course.

Trust.

Communication.

Because I will always advocate for prioritizing those things in any relationship.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

My Poly Looks Like A Triad

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Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

While every relationship structure I’ve had has grown organically, I can comfortably say that my poly looks like a triad.  I generally feel pretty fulfilled in the male department with one partner. I find I have difficulty splitting my focus effectively and prioritizing too many relationships, so adding another female is about my maximum in attention.

A triad structure can have many of the aspects of polyamorous relationships.  More than two people are emotionally involved. Sometimes two of the trio will be legally married, sometimes pair bonded in another way.  Depending on how individuals agree to form their unit, all parties could potentially be romantic with one another. The single partner in the relationship may want the opportunity to establish a primary partner of their own or may be content solely being an equal partner in the triad.

There will always be a variety of viewpoints on the best way to structure a polyamorous relationship.  Everyone has to find what works for them, and these views are excellent resources for ways to start identifying issues, which will need to be addressed.

The more you read and understand the relationship choices others have made, the less you have to rely on personal trial and error to address some of these issues up front, and the more you can start to identify what will work for your particular situation.

There can often be a bit of a stigma surrounding couples seeking thirds- that it is the man driving the bus with nothing but a desire for additional sexual partners.  Many assume he is keeping his cake and eating it too. I dislike having to reassure people that I am just as interested in another partner, and that we have no intention of hiding her away during holidays like a dirty secret.

I personally feel there is something special about the relationship between two women.  I love having a woman who is closer than a best friend, who I can tell all my dirty secrets to with no judgment, who will shop with me, bake cookies with me, and will generally be part of my life.

That’s how I envision my poly.  Weekly house meetings, chore assignments, holiday planning, baking for group gifts, sharing family recipes and traditions, watching Scrooged and the Grinch at Christmas. In short, just a big, loving group of people who have chosen to intertwine their lives.

Please keep in mind that hierarchical polyamory can often be hurtful to additional partners. The real question seems to be: How can we structure things to avoid some of those pitfalls?

For those who want a triad: Outside of partners needing to agree on the person they include in their relationship, I believe the individuals need to avoid segmenting pieces of their lives.  Other than simply not repeating pet names, I think it’s more beneficial to avoid limiting relationship possibilities.

Depending on the person, that arrangement might not work.  Some people want more or less space, or have specific needs which need to be filled in order to feel loved. What works for us, may not work for you. I am merely sharing my opinions and experiences.

It is important to remember that every group of individuals should negotiate their relationship structures to meet their needs.  The more people you invite to a party, the more planning you should probably do.

How will time be balanced between partners to avoid having anyone feel secondary however they may be identified by a partner?

How will you present to friends and family, and how will holidays be handled?

In my opinion, no matter how long two of the triad may have been together, it is important that the third be treated as an equal partner during the negotiation process. All parties should make expectations clear during the negotiating process and continue to communicate for the entire duration of the relationship.

As BDSM practitioners, we add additional complexities to our relationships.   A poly triad can have a one Dom(me), two submissive structure, but that isn’t a necessity.  It could just as easily contain a Dominant, a submissive, and a switch. Although I am not entirely sure how this would work, there could also be a Dominant, Co-Dominant, and submissive. The possibilities are endless as long as everything is consented to by all people involved.

I have both been the addition to an existing couple as well as the female portion of a couple adding another female.  Each have held challenges. As part of the couple, we encouraged our third to seek additional relationships as she desired, and she presented as our roommate.  It truly was a blended family, and a very happy one for many years. Still, even when you do a good job of communicating expectations up front (we didn’t), you can still have communication issues later.

It can be the things you don’t think of.  We talked about relationships, and forgot to worry about sharing chores.  Sex was discussed, but not division of bills (this topic was important since we all lived together).

There are definitely times I agree with Sheldon.  Drawing up agreements, whether you consider them to be contracts or just laying down expectations, can be the glue that binds relationships together no matter how they are structured.

I know advising communication is probably the most often repeated mantra in the Kink Community, but only because it really is essential.  You can’t trust someone who doesn’t share their feelings productively. When this occurs, eventually the relationship will fail.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.