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Are You Suffering From “Pandem-dick”?

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As anyone knows, this current pandemic has combined some of the worst elements of humanity for us. We have fears about an invisible, hard to detect contagion on top of forced social and physical isolation by our governments. Even on the surface it’s easy to see why this is a stressful time for even the most optimistic of us.

Many of us turn to others, especially in our community, to lessen anxiety by spending time with our partner(s), visiting the clubs, attending kink events, relaxing at our favorite munches, oh and of course, lots of sexy time. That list is nearly extinct now, with the exception of sex – if you’re lucky enough to be in the same home as your sexual partner(s). For me, the pandemic has killed my libido.

Pandemic, the ‘Almighty Inducer of Stress’

When I’m stressed, I lose nearly all interest in sex and sexy time things. I’ve heard from several friends who are having varying experiences. Some of my friends are having an increase in sexual desire while some are feeling similarly to me. I can easily understand how some are feeling an increase with the new shift in their usual routines, more mental freedom without the humdrum of commuting and office work, increased restful sleep, and possibly being able to hang out at home with family has made them feel more secure than ever. Perhaps sex and orgasm are a type of physical and mental release for them that the pandemic has helped them tap into their sexual energy. I’m happy for them, I really am, but I still have my problem.

Sexual energy requires just the right amount of tension to take off properly, but not too much to dampen it. If you are like me, you may have found that you are very worried about the virus and the lasting effects it will have. Maybe being cooped up at home with your partner(s) has presented a new, unfamiliar type of stress. Or you’ve been carefully watching your finances and may be finding yourself in fight/flight/freeze more often than you’d like. Worst still it could be your own self care has been put on hold; a lot of us have had to forgo our simple pleasures to follow quarantine orders.

Haircuts, manicures, massages, new restaurants, dating, traveling, a night at the dungeon, spankings, sloshes, general relaxation…they’ve all disappeared.

Both sexual energy responses are okay. They are two sides of the same spectrum. You could find yourself bouncing between the two ends from day to day. There is no one right way to cope with what is happening. Sex can be complicated and multifaceted.

Here are some great ways to stay self aware and mindful of your waning or non-existent sexual energy:

  • Touch when possible. Touch is very powerful and can help calm our nervous system greatly. Communicate how you’d like to be touched with your partner(s) when possible and adapt as much as you can or try self soothing techniques.
  • Journal to clear your mind. If you find yourself caught in worst case scenario thought loops, or worrying more than normal, write this down. Journaling is a good way to verbalize how you’re feeling in a condensed fashion and the very act of seeing it on paper can have a positive effect. This could be the way you get these ideas out of your head and somewhere safe, where they won’t endlessly follow you.
  • No news is good news. Stop watching the news. Even if it’s only for a few hours you can see the benefits. Watching an ever updating and changing news cycle about the global state of things will not make you feel less anxious. I’ve started to make it Fridays that I don’t check the news at all and I’ve already seen improvements.
  • Self pleasure is soothing. Masturbation is a common sexual activity for us all. Depending on your level of comfort, touching yourself could help regulate your internal system. Studies have suggested that masturbation can help you relax, reduce stress, improve sleep, boost your mood and more. It could be a way to keep your sexual pleasure balanced so that when this is all over, you have an even better idea on what you’re seeking physically.
  • Use technology to your benefit. We’re being asked to stay six feet apart from all individuals we are not cohabitating with. This could mean you are either on your own alone, or only able to see one partner. If you find yourself in this situation, look to technology to create a physical connection. Send sexy pictures to build up tension, sext if you’re into that, or try phone/cam play time or check out some apps if possible. It won’t be the same as being together but it can certainly help bridge the gap.

Careful on bringing sexy back

Beyond that if you are being sexually active during this time, take extra precaution. Stock up on contraceptives and have a plan for emergency contraception if needed. Test yourself at home for STIs where possible. And no matter what happens, don’t panic. Desperate times can call for desperate measures but don’t try any at-home DIY, internet backed remedies! Contact your local clinics, hospitals, and standard healthcare services for the safest and smartest treatments.

We are in uncharted territory. Sex may be a comforting constant or completely uninteresting, but know they are both normal reactions in an otherwise abnormal time.

If you have an available sexual partner who is also feeling their sexual needs energy and open to sexual encounters during this time, I hope you are having a wonderfully hot time together. But it is also OK to tell your partner “Not tonight, dear. I’m feeling too anxious about everything.”

Just make sure you communicate to your partner that you are wanting physical touch and not an erotic/sexual encounter.

Your libido may be the first thing to go when you’re dealing with a pandemic, but it will likely also be one of the first things to return post-pandemic. Hang in there. We will get through this.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

Is This Your Community or Not?

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Long before the virus broke fully out, I had my own ideas about social gatherings, touching, close quarter playing and more. To be honest, I don’t really like being in an enclosed space with sweaty people and body fluids. Beyond my general dislike for my own sweat, let alone someone else’s, I’ve witnessed quite a lot of hot topics for me over the years:

  • Kinksters not wiping down equipment before AND after use (yes, I said before – don’t assume!)
  • Play parties with no real protection being offered whether that be condoms, chux, or even disinfecting wipes – this is a lot of house parties
  • Themed gatherings focused on kissing/fluid exchange with total strangers
  • Events that have lackluster cleaning standards and more…

You will notice, I also rarely eat at a kinky event. Hands? Balls? Sweat…Cheetos? Need I say more? Call me what you will, but I really, really hate germs. The difference before was that I felt safe having the tools I needed to make myself feel “clean” after leaving said events or germ-ridden encounters.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here: I sweat like a fat girl who has run a 5k during most of my scenes, I spit in my sub’s face, I’ve done “dirty germ-ridden” things in what I felt were a more controlled environment.

What I am saying now to the kink community is, we’ve effectively lost control.

It’s not necessarily due to anything on our part, but on a whole, globally, control of cleanliness and sanitation has been lost. Even in our little bubble of kink, we still exist on a global scale. The frantic, herd mentality, end-of-times bulk purchasing of soap, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, and paper towels is an ill-executed attempt from individuals to regain some semblance of control right now. It’s a scary time in the world of COVID-19 – the invisible, nearly undetectable, virus that is infecting, and claiming innocent lives of humans sadly, even as I type this. Everything we’re doing right now is driven by fear and fear is often faceless but breathes down our necks like a hot high-noon summer sun. It can make us delirious and irrational in our actions.

The normal distribution system we are used to is like a well-orchestrated ballet and right now we are so out of tune and out of sync.

Without being too cruel, I’d like to challenge everyone to look within their own community as it stands. Forget, the king of the hill tactics of imaginary seated “leaders”, there are no true leaders in this community. The quicker we can admit that, the better we’ll be. We have no authority to appoint such. We may follow, like, and attend classes on topics and with presenters and organizations we like but none of us are “in charge”. That’s why it’s doubly important that you, as one person, in your own community look at the actions of those around you closely.

I am in no way surprised that in the Washington, DC metro area (and across the country) there are still foolish party promoters, douchey event planners, and dumb and dumber participants still holding on to the notion that kinky parties, and physical socializing are acceptable.

Anyone who is attempting to promote, organize, or attend a kinky event as of March 15th does not care about your community. 

It’s not their community, because if it was they’d know better. It’s your community and it’s your responsibility to step up and show out where needed to boot kick these irresponsible idiots into the center of our “town square”. Not only is it predatory in nature to promise the people something you know they want but shouldn’t have, it’s immoral to continue to ignore the advice of specialists who are far more qualified to tell us that gatherings including hallmarks of kink should be halted.

I like kink. It’s a part of my everyday life, no matter how small. I know how much everyone just wants things to go back to normal, how much people just “really need” to be spanked, why some people’s carnal desires are like an itch that can’t be scratched right now. I can understand how dynamics and relationships of all sorts are being put to the absolute test by social distancing and self isolation but…

Is this your community or not?

Do you give a damn? Maybe two? Then stay the f**k inside. No matter how horny you get. Speak up about events that should NOT be happening. Ban members for the future who have shown their true colors during this time. Remove the silly notion that “leaders” within the community know what’s best and just follow common sense and the advice of the World Health Organization (WHO). The sooner we stand together and say ‘NO’ to events and “kinksters” that threaten the fabric of humanity and in turn, our subculture of BDSM, the sooner we can recover together and pick up the pieces. You can still have kinky fun without ever leaving your house such as

We are no longer (and never really were honestly) bound by our geographical location. And if there ever was a time to support your local clubs, dungeons, boards, munches, and community virtually by way of donating what you can (large or small) or offering volunteer services when (and if!) they are able to get back up and running, that time is now.

Again, the time is now. If we want a community for tomorrow, we must think about our actions today, or else the community we knew will be nothing but a distant memory.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

No, I Won’t Break You

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“Mistress, please just break me down.”

“I’ll be anything you want.”

“Remind me that I am nothing.”

These are all “sexy phrases” I’m assuming submissives have heard or seen in porn or worse? I say assume because for me, phrases like these immediately take me out of my dominant headspace and replaces it with a big “huh?!”. End scene. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Over the years, I’ve said many times to many a “willing” s-type, “No, I won’t break you.”

I pride myself on having a viper tongue and have happily brought people to tears in minutes with some of my humilatrix skills. And even I can’t get off on this fantasy filled with a high risk of lasting negative effects. Where on Earth did this idea come from this perception as the ultimate way to show/earn submission; by offering up the very special pieces of yourself for potentially permanent damage?

I have not, and will not, intentionally “break someone down”. Into what exactly?

I have no interest in taking someone who thinks they are beneath me as a person to an even lower point than where they already are mentally and emotionally. When someone offers themselves to me in this way, my human nature instinct kicks in and I want to do the opposite. 

I want to help you. I want to remind you that you don’t need to be broken down to be good at submitting or offering your service to me or anyone else. You’re better than that. You deserve more. Don’t give away your power. Yada yada. (I say this a lot but it doesn’t seem like submissives want to hear this).

Honestly, I wouldn’t know what “breaking” someone even looks like! People in BDSM have a flair for the dramatics and I chalk this phrase and idea up to just that. I also know some people like drama and feed into false realities thus getting themselves in situations they can’t get out of.

This ignorant perpetuation of metaphorically “breaking” someone needs to be stopped in its tracks. Even if one has only a desire to be “broken” during certain scenes or in specific dynamics, it’s a dangerous game to play on top of already playing the dangerous game of BDSM.

What does this look like to me? Or you? Is it simply cutting you off from everything and everyone until I have your full attention or is it deeper? Does it just mean you’re allowing me to play with you in a way you don’t prefer or detest? Is it catharsis? Will you be the same after it? Will I? As with most things, it’s up for interpretation and that’s where trouble can start. It seems that “breaking” may be a difficult concept to discuss in general because people have such varied definitions of it, and even if everyone is using the same denotation, connotation will vary based on personal experience.

You break in shoes not people. 

It’s hard a sell to be totally responsible for someone else’s emotional state to a possible point of no return. The emotional Rubicon. One where you feel you are inflicting significant and notable changes to a person’s life choices, sense of self worth, purpose, and unique personality. Breaking someone to me, always correlates to ‘trauma bonding’, unresolved emotional or self-esteem issues, or worse in my mind. 

There’s no such thing as giving away your free will. 

Throughout my experience, I’ve come to embrace the abundance of power I feel when I help someone find their power. When instead of breaking them, I build them up using opposing tactics.

Want to truly give up resistance?

My favorite is chastity. Giving someone the literal key to your sexual pleasure is a completely hot mindfuck.

Need help getting to your goals?

Let me incentivize you with a kinky reward. Elaborate scenes or kinks you’ve longed to try are a good place to start.

Have annoying habits?

Devotion by conscious submission is heavenly. My submissive had been smoking nearly a dozen cigarettes every day for the last 5 years when we met. If he wanted to prove to me he wanted to be mine, he’d have to give up that nasty habit. Which he did with help from me as his Mistress. Small victories can bring on more self control and focus.

Are you feeling low on self esteem?

Submitting as asked/commanded can be a mood booster. Not only are you helping someone, you most likely are going to receive a compliment or positive interaction from it. Keep doing right by your dominant and revel in the heady feeling of what being meant for your role feels like. Explore the feelings of prideful satisfaction.

To be honest, I don’t know anyone personally who would say they have experienced this mythical “breaking down”. If I’ve chosen you as my submissive, it’s because I like what makes you, you. I respect you. I honor your ability to consent or not at any time. As a Femdom I just want to help you lower your barriers and inner inhabitions to act like the kinky fuckslut you are. I want you to feel something that you don’t allow yourself to feel anywhere else. 

I don’t want to break you.

And if you’re asking someone this heavy question… I dare you to think about what putting yourself back together looks like because it will most likely be a solo journey.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

I Like Boys Who Like Girly Things

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It was a long way into my kinky journey before I had given the proper amount of thinking to why I have always enjoyed the sight (and very idea!) of boys who like “girly” things. I didn’t grow up in the modern times we now find ourselves in, where gender is fluid, and crosses boundaries rarely imagined before, all as a way of self expression, comfortableness, identity, and a lifestyle. Many of us remember the “boy” and “girl” toy aisles very blatantly separated, variations of 50 shades of blue and pink galore.

This, I believe, is where the substructure of my alpha female personality started to form. I didn’t intend to have a particular disdain for all things “girly”, I just did. I had waist length hair that I refused to wear down most of time, even when my parents insisted on pigtails, of all god awful hairstyles. I didn’t wear dresses, the closet full of them gathering dust and stretching on my broad little shoulders. Nail painting, makeup, heck Barbies (whose hair I would shave and dye various colors with fingernail polish) were not something I was mildly interested in. Well into my teens I still considered myself a tomboy even with my beauty pageant awards tucked away behind Nirvana posters and lava lamps. 

I wouldn’t say I hated being a girl but I certainly didn’t enjoy it the way most girls seemed to. I couldn’t get myself to get too excited, we couldn’t even pee standing up (!), a problem GoGirl finally attempted to fix. ‘What was so great about being a girl anyway’ I would ask myself constantly.

It wasn’t until I met the most girly boy I knew in college that it all started to click. His name was Evan but I called him ‘Eve’ often. He was beside himself at not being a girl.

‘You don’t know what you’re missing’ he’d sigh and say wishfully looking through my unopened high heel boxes and gifted lingerie. Finally, one day I asked him what being a girl would mean to him. 

‘So, let me make you a girl’ I offered one day. His reaction was that of someone who had just opened the door to Ed McMahon holding a fated Publishers Clearing House check. (Does anyone remember those?). He jumped up and down, speechlessly squealed and nodded until I thought his neck was going to fall off and then he started to playfully beg – the light bulb in my head didn’t just light up, it exploded.

What followed was a series of trials, errors, and lots of fun finding the feminine that was deeply hidden inside of myself through a boy. He let me have free range of his ‘Eve’ side as we called it. He didn’t say no to anything and even suggested things I hadn’t even considered.

He was my first sissy doll and I didn’t even know it!

I’ve long since gotten in touch with my feelings behind sissies, crossdressers, and just generally boys who like to (and deserve to) feel pretty and have tried to spread my view on this wherever I can. I don’t speak for all cis-females who have an affinity for a nice pair of legs in stockings belonging to a male, I am only sharing what I find draws me in this direction.

Flattery will get you everywhere (maybe even in my panties)

I know it takes a lot of “balls” for a male identified person to take the leap to dress up as the superior sex and I am flattered by that. The pains of bras, lacey panties, garter belts, stockings, heels, and not-poking-yourself-blind when applying nearly all makeup can only fully be appreciated once you’ve experienced it. Since entering the kink community, I have been able to chat, play with, and get to know some really amazing boys who like to dress up as girls. I’ve been a part of several transformation processes from beginning to end, feeling nothing but pride at the end results. For me personally, growing up it was a lot easier for me to “act like a boy” and get away with it, than the majority of men I’ve met whose femme side was stifled, shamed and even forbidden! I like to think every boy who wants to, and gets to express his girly side (big or small), is finally being given permission to find his power.

…I present to you…

Ahh the great reveal. This…this is when I get the most enjoyment out of watching boys in dresses do their thing. Try as hard as I might, I can never really imagine a man as their female self. Even when I’m the one crafting/creating the look! How they will walk, what style of clothes they choose, the hair (OMG the hair), if they will opt-out of certain feminine aspects, and even the shades of makeup applied, all speaks to my creative roleplay and costume side. There’s still a part of me that gets overjoyed at costume parties, playing dress-up, and looking at a “new person” in the mirror when it suits me. Gender bending is the beacon of that in my eyes.

Girls just wanna have fun

I can’t think of a time that I’ve witnessed a man dressing up as a female who didn’t express the rush often associated with such. Especially if they went undetected! Not every boy who dresses up wants to “pass” but for those who do or at least fly under the radar it can be a glimpse into an unfamiliar, yet very real world they currently live in. Some of the people I’ve spent time with who cross these self-imposed, societal reinforced lines for the first time ever experience something new and exciting. They can partake in activities, conversations, roles, and go places mentally and physically uncharted to them. My sissy has no interest in being treated like a lady until he’s dressed in his sissy side and then he wants all the stops haha – door holding, chair pulled out, slutty pet names, and more. It’s fun to see how “she” would like to be treated.

It’s just fucking hot

I’ve come to learn I just like boys in panties and more. I’m so used to wearing these items myself that it’s a flip of my senses to feel it on another. Have you ever watched as pantyhose stretched to contain an ever growing…er…excitement? Or how those new to lipstick still hold their lips slightly pouted out while wearing it? The tiny, purposeful steps taken when the wearer isn’t adept at heels…yep all of this tickles my lady loins. Finding out two exes of mine were secretly dressing up without me because of the response they’d gotten from previous partners was heartbreaking and also a missed opportunity for us to connect.

Without Evan, I never would have blossomed into the stiletto nailed, heel wearing, garter belt owning, makeup enthusiast I am today. It took a boy who liked girly things to teach me how awesome it was to honor my feminine power within. In a system that is slowly undoing the design to work against women, it’s always been a fresh breath of air to encounter someone who willingly shares that power with me despite everything being told to them of the contrary.

I know not all femdoms, or any one for that matter, is into the non-humiliating aspect of boys dressing up but I am. I also know for those guys who are dressing, whether undisclosed or not a big fear is being found out. I’ve seen the authentic reveal of this ruin relationships, break trust, create an unseen sense of shame through judgement, and worse – breaking up and alienating friends and family.

This post is for those people. 

You’re not alone. There are other men who like the very same and maybe more than you do. There are executives donning satin underwear in meetings, Dads who have a favorite lipstick color, boyfriends who prefer eyeshadow to mowing the lawn, and guys who get a rush when they put on a wig and see someone new in the mirror. And for each one of those, there is a female out there who will not only admire but embolden you to embrace that side of yourself. They love you for you. And if they don’t…fuck em’.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

 

The Great D/s Parent Trap

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As long as I’ve been on my kink journey, I have remained steadfast in one notion: I want to be catered to. I want to be put first and my happiness right next to it. 

I often dreamed of having an equally OCD submissive who could clean my home from top to bottom, maid’s uniform, or panties at the very least, being shown just how I like towels folded and knows the toilet paper needs to absolutely come from the top haha. I dreamed of a submissive who might be as handy as I was around the house, if not more within his own niche market. I often day-dreamed of having on demand service whenever I wanted, however I wanted. This could include a number of things from the very mundane (get my mail each day) to the very kinky (stay mummified and naked in the corner while I admire you). I can fully admit this came from years of “dreaming” of the perfect submissive for me, who would make my life easier in all ways possible. The reality is many of my partners over the years have always needed an emotional/mental/financial leg up, shoulder to lean on or extended support, provided by me. I have spent years interacting with, being courted by, and even sustaining various D/s dynamics with submissives – all of whom I felt I was quite selective about. Yet, I found myself in a position of making their lives easier and not the other way around.

As I’ve said before, I do suffer from RBF but inside I am a soft soul and still try to be thoughtful in my actions. Once you tell me your favorite meal, I will most certainly attempt to learn and perfect it. I even go steps further and will help pick out your attire, remind you to get haircuts, push extra veggies on your plate and talk with you about your hopes and fears, hoping to soothe you if I can. Looking back, I must bear some of the responsibility.

I want to be your Mistress not your Mom.

Sometimes I play the role of ‘Mommy’ a bit too well it seems. Unfortunately many people find themselves in the same situation. Many of my relationships have fallen into the unhealthy behaviors of a parent/child dynamic (not the sexy kind). Which is exactly as it sounds, one adult in the relationship assumes the parent role while the other assumes the child role. This usually is done without malicious intent or awareness from either party until it’s too late.

Many of my previous partners never got up on time, had horrible taste in clothes, forgot appointments or to take their medicine, frequently lost their car keys, or never picked up after themselves — all which annoyed the heck out of me and still do! So, naturally I wrongfully stepped into the parent role. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing him or her a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect.

The “parent” partner typically nags, prods, attempts to control, dictate, scold, and handle most of the overall decision making. Depending on the roles involved, in my experience this can make the submissive men I am with feel emasculated and in turn lead to hurt feelings. Not the effect I am going for as a “Mistress”. Putting yourself in a parental role and putting your partner in a child role is demeaning and actually counterproductive. Your partner will eventually resent you for taking on this controlling (non-BDSM) role, and it will almost certainly severely damage your relationship. Some of these behaviors are more obvious or egregious than others, but they all show a lack of respect for your partner as an adult and your equality in the relationship (even power exchange ones).

It doesn’t make any difference if your partner never gets up on time, has horrible taste in clothes, forgets appointments or to take their medicine, frequently loses the car keys, or never picks up after themselves. If you parent your partner, you are actually showing him or her a lack of acceptance and a lack of respect.

Being a Femdom can sometimes feel like “mothering” a submissive but I didn’t realize how much I was blurring lines between being caring and caring for someone by doing the following:

  • I pick out clothes for my submissives
  • I take on a authoritative tone when speaking most times to my subs 
  • I have put food on my partner’s plate, cut it up (sometimes not for embarrassment purposes) or pestered them to eat all the vegetables on their plate
  • I always pack my and my submissive’s luggage when traveling
  • I have styled my partner’s hair
  • I am always the official reminder person in for medicines, chores, and important dates/time (and often the one to make them!)
  • I am corrective and at times overprotective of my submissives
  • I am often picking up after my submissive and keep track of their belongings like eyeglasses, car keys, or wallet (as they often get lost)

Why do I do all of this? 

Because if I don’t, who will? (Sound familiar doms?)

This isn’t an excuse for a lopsided partnership it’s just how I personally feel when I stop and think about the reason for my actions. I make excuses and come up with worst-case scenarios when I don’t oversee the execution of something. It creates anxiety within me because I’m certain “it won’t be done right,” even if that isn’t the case.

What about the other half of the relationship, how do you identify those markers? Less stress can be an illusion if someone else is overburdened. Are you the child in your relationship, do you…?

  • Hide things from your partner
  • Focus more on having fun than reaching long-term goal
  • Realistically do not carry your share of the workload/responsibility around the house or in general
  • Constantly attempt to turn hobbies into careers
  • Spend money without thinking about the future
  • Think “things will get done/work out eventually”
  • Escape consequences of your sometimes detrimental actions due to your partner’s help
  • These are signs you may be entangled in a parent/child relationship dynamic and not in the sexy Mommy/Daddy-little way. 

This can turn into a battleground in your relationship, where there is no winner if you don’t seek counseling as a couple or address the issues head on. As a femdom, I didn’t realize that I was perpetuating and continuing to stay in these dynamics because it can be subconsciously appealing and seems to fit the D/s roles: the submissive-child gets to do what they want, and the dominant-parent gets to stay in control of everything. 

This scenario is often found in couples who saw a similar pattern at home, although the specific behaviors may be different. Someone escaping into hours of video games each day and avoiding responsibilities may have seen a parent retreat at home in their office to do the same.   The other might do “everything“ within the the home and in general, may have seen a parent who enabled another parent who did less than even their share.  

And it goes without saying this will snuff out any spark you may have had in the bedroom or dungeon. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be with a grown adult who can’t take care of themself. If I have to wash all the clothes, cook all the meals, and do everything for our home, I might as well take care of my own sexual needs too! The thought of living with this overarching dynamic is a huge turn-off, and I can’t imagine being attracted to someone long term if I have to act as a parent toward them. 

The way out of this predicament involves change from both parties (as I’m learning). The long standing “parent” generally has to find fulfillment in something outside of overseeing all that a submissive does, let go of perfectionism, and a need to control at all times. The ‘parent’ role can offer a sense of meaning and purpose to. Or if you’re like me, I often find myself the ‘rescuer’ or caretakers of partners. I imagine this comes from the parenting style I was raised within.

The “child” partner may suffer from emotional immaturity. Such partners tend to ignore their weaknesses and let the other rule over them. Emotional expression and sensitivity that one feels in a relationship are often left underdeveloped. To shift gears, the “child” partner must step up to the plate and do more than they believe they are capable of, pushing themselves into a new mindset of “I can, I must.” If they are submissive, this is where passive service can really help show the other partner that you are truly trying.

Homework for you both

Sit and talk together about the division of chores or responsibilities. Create a calendar and reminders. Let the child partner make mistakes and face real-life consequences of being forgetful or making a wrong decision. Unfortunately many of us learn through real life trial and error.

Outside of a scene there are few who really do enjoy being treated like a child or submissive 24/7 and in the same way, very few want to (or should) dominate 24/7.

Every dynamic is different but you should always focus on helping each other be the best versions of ourselves we can be. Give them advice from time to time, and be ready to receive it. But just because someone is the “dom” and the other is the “sub” does not mean micromanaging and “parenting” is needed. It also means it’s not all one partner’s job to handle all real life/grown up issues. Acknowledge each other’s part in this situation and consider changing your approach or reaction. Be as direct as possible and avoid passive aggressiveness. This cuts out all the BS of vagueness. Try and talk it out or even turn it into a funishment (I once replaced an submissive’s oreo cookies with toothpaste because he always left it out and in the sink), this helped curb the occurrences.

Lastly, I know it seems difficult if you are in the midst of this but you’re a team. Work together to solve this, figure out, and work toward your ideal partnership. Be respectful to each other no matter which role you have been playing. Vow to do better so that you both feel fulfilled in what you’re creating together. Personal autonomy still matters in all levels and varieties of relationships from dating to marriage to play partners or full time D/s.

Wouldn’t you agree that everyone deserves an equal partner in love?

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

My Personal Boundaries

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Personal boundaries are necessary for everyone. Period. These are the very guidelines that help us establish what behaviors we are willing to accept from others. Boundaries keep our situationships and more with people mutually beneficial, thoughtful, full of purposeful intentions, and connected.

Strong boundaries are the very foundation of healthy dynamics with others. If you’re worried about how your boundaries will affect your interactions with others, ask yourself, “Will this boundary change my relationship with ____?” The answer may surprise you.

Regardless of what you come up with, healthy boundaries mean you take responsibility for your own actions and emotions. It’s about not taking responsibility for the actions and emotions of others.

I’ve been with many people who have poor boundaries and have expected me to exhibit the same. They show a high level of neediness and codependency. It can manifest as a desperate need for love and affection from external sources. This need to receive love and affection in this way means they may be sacrificing their own identity to remove their boundaries and expect you to bend to that as well.

This doesn’t jive well with the way I operate. I am not here to fix anyone. I love the way I love and it’s up to you to tell me what you need in a respectful manner. You are not a victim and neither am I.

So let me save you the trouble, here are my personal boundaries.

I do not love you unconditionally and will not be there for you “no matter what”. You earn every day with the people who stand by you and if you abuse or disrespect me you will lose me.

 I make my own decisions (concerning my own life) and do not need to explain myself. If this bothers you, angers you or gives you, your friends, or family reason to judge me, those feelings of discomfort are not mine to resolve. What other people think about me is not my business.

Refraining from a nearly unbearable urge to constantly justify myself is so, so hard. People who are important to me often want me to do what they want and not what I want. It’s painful that this has cost me relationships. But, tell me…

Why would I want someone in my life who believes they have this kind of authority over my sacred sovereignty, the right to cross a line I have so clearly drawn?

I value my privacy. I am pretty open about my computer, my phone and my things but I see no reason why anyone would go through them without my express permission. If you did I would assume you don’t trust me, and if we don’t have trust we don’t have much.

My body is mine. Sometimes I want to be touched and sometimes I don’t. As a long time sapiosexual, this heavily depends on our mental foreplay.

I need time alone and I need silence. Certain noises affect me deeply, think akin to nails on a chalkboard! I will seek both of these things every day. This will often imply me sacrificing time with people that I love.

If you deliberately hurt me, cause me pain or diminish me with your actions or with your words I will shut you out. Fighting fair is a requirement, and toxic people (“frenemies”, people who deliver backhanded compliments, those who feed into drama or dramatic situations, people who for reasons I cannot explain drain me or leave me confused and doubting myself and my sanity) have no place in my life even if they are dear to me. Even if they are family — — that doesn’t make you immune to being a bad person.

My outlines — where I end and someone else begins — are clear to me. I am not “we”. I am just “me.” I work hard to not cast blame and am not comfortable being blamed for anything that does not directly pertain to me. I can’t “make you happy”. I cannot “make you miserable”. That’s not a misguided compliment I want. I don’t have what your ego needs. I just usually have a challenging perspective that may cause you to internally ask yourself questions you’ve been ignoring within.

Saying “no” isn’t hard for me. Don’t push against it. Don’t mess with it. Leave my “no” alone or else face potential truthfulness you might not be prepared to hear. No, seriously, this is your warning.

Resentment is a symptom. It means that somewhere, somehow I have compromised myself. I realize I’m not angry at you but at myself, and I will use some of my quiet alone time to re-evaluate what happened so I can do better next time.

Especially within BDSM it is imperative to erect clear and steady boundaries so you can get the most enjoyment out of play and dynamics. People who lie, constantly test your loyalty to them (non-consensually), undermine your self confidence, or question your limits may be red flags you need to be more aggressive in establishing and carrying out your boundaries.

What are your boundaries and has someone been crossing them?

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

Happy Polydays!

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Tis the season…For disaster? For long distance trips? Putting up with family members you only see once a year?

No, not those things (though they don’t help), I mean the very hectic and stressful Polyday Season™. The time of the year where I consider just signing out of Google Calendar and letting it all go.

But that’s not possible. Oh no, not with a polycule. We all know everyone celebrates their holidays differently. But how do you fairly (as possible) celebrate it with multiple partners?

This is my ‘cheer’ face

It’s that time of the year we all love to hate but some of us genuinely do love the holiday season. And hooray for them. You know the ones: aptly festive sweaters and accessories, overly cheerful holiday song humming, hand wrapped ribbon, color coded gift tags, early coordinated holiday photo postcards out just after turkey day? They were born ready for ‘Tis The Season’ caroling and enjoy the ‘challenge‘ of finding the perfect present for all.

I know that because I was one of these people not too many years ago. Slowly but surely I have been tugged into the tornado of what I call, the ‘Polyday Season’, it’s just like the classic holiday season but with at least 50% more chaos. Yay! Instead of worrying about who is attending your holiday party you have a whole new layer of concern.

Naughty, nice, and mindful…

  • Should all partners attend the same gathering or go individually as a vanilla/mono presenting couple to one each?
  • Presents? Is that for just your partner or their metamour as well? Have you discussed a reasonable budget?
  • Who spends the ‘eve’ versus the actual day with whom?
  • Are unsuspecting children involved? How do you sign the gifts?
  • Is there any inter-faith rituals to be observed? If so, do they conflict with anyone else’s?
  • What about traditions in general – how do you honor them respectfully?
  • Does everyone want to participate in the holiday festivities? If so, at what level?
  • Is this a rotation year and the holidays are being spent in a different place than last year? Or even with a different person? How should you explain this to family who saw _____ last year but won’t on  this one?

Welcome to my Polyday Season™

From the moment I was in more than one serious poly/monogamish relationship my entire state of awareness changes yearly from mid October to January. It isn’t something I had really given much thought beyond the first couple of years when I got into a rhythm but found even that rhythm always needs adjusting whenever new partners are included or old ones are no longer around. Sometimes it only needs adjusting because the holiday season zooms up to us and nearly passes by because the year has been such a blur.

Each new shift within polyamory presents its own perspective and nuances. Depending on what my polycule has looked like over the years I have had to be flexible in not only my expectations but also execution. We used to have a planned rotation on holidays so that each year we can have a turn at the holidays according to each partner’s unique style. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve seem to our big ones. One year we decided to draw holidays out of a hat to decide who was in charge of organizing each one. A few years we have decided to treat ourselves and just say ‘fuck it’ doing whatever felt right. Recently, we even did three Christmases, in two different houses, with different partners on the same day! Surprisingly, some years we have even managed to skip the dreaded Polyday Season all together! (These might secretly be my favorite years haha)

The ‘gifts’ of presence and absence

Personally I value time and experiences over most tangible gifts (but hey, I still fall for the sparkly stuff every now and then). However, this is the main reason I started asking past partners if they wanted to give/receive the gift of presence or absence.

What does that mean exactly? I know we all don’t have the same budgets. Sometimes it would mean more to me and/or a partner to just be present with each (in body) instead of a traditional wrapped present for the holidays. When we do this it helps us focus on what really matters to us, whether that be spending the holiday binge-watching a favorite series, turning off electronics for 24 hours or more (this one is especially hard for me!), or just testing out all the new board games one of us had been waiting to play.

In terms of absence, I view this more as a hall pass for the holidays. Sometimes despite our best efforts and intentions we just can’t be in one, let alone three, places all at once. It’s important to be understanding when you’re in a poly dynamic that there will be times when your partner(s) just simply can’t be there for the holidays. Family, previous unpreventable obligations, social constraints, anxiety levels, or more are very real factors. It may even be you who can’t be there physically. This has been me on more than one occasion.

It’s imperative that you don’t make the absent partner(s) feel guilty about their absence, I assure you, they probably feel guilty enough without your added layer. Instead practice a new level of compassion and really put yourself in their shoes. Use this as an opportunity to express your feelings and if possible, make plans for a future holiday so that it can be planned accordingly. And when all else fails, include them via phone, video, or other virtual means. It will be the thought that counts with this.

Surviving the poly pressure

All of my years of practicing some form of poly has given me a peek behind multiple curtains into what can make or break some during the Polyday Season. Here are my top three tips to ease the sometimes inevitable discomfort:

  1. Make a plan…in advance. The key words here being ‘plan’ and ‘advance’. It’s easy to assume someone is going to be somewhere with you during the holidays, why wouldn’t they it’s your [insert assumed notion]. Never assume. Discuss, divide, and conquer the season like a poly-pro. Nothing ever got accomplished successfully without a plan. What should you include in your plan? Where you will be for which holidays, which ones are important (we rank them individually), who does or doesn’t want to travel, if family and/or friends will be involved, and what expectations everyone has. This is a good first step to making sure everyone is on the same page and will cut down on potential resentment building situations.
  2. Be honest but be fair. Don’t tell your partner(s) that you “don’t care” where you/they will be when making the plan above. This laissez faire attitude has brewed a few mishaps during the holidays for me. Even if you feel unreasonable in your request to spend ________ with someone, it’s better that you put those words out in the open. When you withhold your true feelings from someone you’re in a relationship with, there’s bound to be miscommunication. And once you (or they) are honest about what they would like, the closer you come to making expectations and reality meet. You may have to compromise on the ‘eve’ of a holiday or share half a day but the important thing is everyone is doing their best and being honest with what they can and can’t do.
  3. Try new ways. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of ‘We’ve always done it this way…” even when bringing a new partner into the mix. This spells d-o-o-m. Don’t do this, no matter how tempting it is. You will want to show someone your way of doing the holidays. It’s natural. Instead, listen and really give their way, or a mash-up, of both ways a go. As I meanded before, we change up the way we do holidays often. Sometimes we find something works for 2-4 years and then a flaw is revealed with it on the 5th go round. It’s okay. Change is good and can be a fun way to create new memories, traditions, and foster closeness in your own unique poly family.

It’s better now if you surrender to the idea that the Polyday Season may not go exactly as planned or as smoothly as you envisioned. Don’t fret. It may seem like a really big deal now, but when the time has passed you’ll be able to look back and see how it was the perfect setting for inner and outer growth. 

Talk with your partner(s) about any mixed emotions so they can be a support system. They may actually feel the same but kept a brave face for you and others. Whatever does (or doesn’t) happen, know that with the likes of Flag Day, Groundhog Day, April’s Fool, and more, you’ll have more chances to practice for the bigger Polyday Seasons ahead. 

What really matters the most is that you have people to share these moments in time with.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

You suck! Energy Vampires!

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We are all a bit more like than we like to admit. We all want the adventure, excitement, and fun that accompanies the best relationships. How do you do that if your romance is draining you instead of filling you up energetically?

Have you felt overwhelmed, exhausted, and negatively impacted by thoughts of someone, in this case a partner, most of the day?

It could be possible you’ve picked an emotional vampire as a mate or friend.

For me, all BDSM play is a form of energy play. We experience a highly subjective emotional reaction or response to someone or something during scenes and within kinky dynamics often. Muscles relax (or tense), our hormones fluctuate, and our sensorys get flowed with the sounds, smells, taste, sights, and “feelings” that most kinky activities bring.

That’s why it’s important that you are aware and cautious about whom you exchange this personal power with so you don’t get misused or drained.

Some people we know such as friends, family, and colleagues who will make us feel elevated a positive whenever we’re even in their presence. But there’s others who will suck the serenity, optimism and zest right from you and you might be none the wiser.

This isn’t like Buffy

Energy vampires do more than take your physical energy. The persistent ones can make you feel unlovable, unworthy, and full of self doubt — reinforcing the false notion that you don’t deserve anything better.

If you’re not careful there are subtle slights that can be attempts at cracking your core and getting to your precious energy.

Have they mentioned your moods passively? “You’re always so sensitive!” Do they attempt to make you feel bad about yourself? “Oh I see you’re putting on a few pounds.” Are they jealous of any positive growth you exhibit? “So, you’ve got a new hobby? Wonder how long that’ll last.”

These individuals always take more from relationships than they ever give. Your time spent with them is usually focused on one of the many “crises” they regularly have going on. If you examine their lives closely, nothing makes them happy. So in turn, they want to take your happiness. Which never works, because it’s not a genuine joy produced within themselves, so it actually makes you unhappy in the process.

Subtle signs

You’ll notice most conversations revolve around themselves and their feelings. And you listen, because you know how moody they get if you say the wrong thing, or make the wrong joke. And if you try to point any of this out?

You might as well get out.

They don’t want to closely examine and acknowledge their own character flaws, they want to remind you of yours. And don’t worry, they’ll be keeping a mental list. When you do manage to step up and say something, you are somehow guilt-tripped into taking the blame for their emotional or mental state.

Do you find yourself experiencing the following:

  • Excessive sleepiness or desire to nap
  • Increased or new anxiety, depression, or negative thoughts
  • Gloomy and frequent moods, especially during or after interacting with them
  • Feelings of being put down, sniped, or slimed

All signs someone is draining your energy and stopping you from setting healthy boundaries. Energy vampires need to be invited in, and we do this often without realizing it. See if you’ve encountered any of the following energy vampires.

1. The Victim/Martyr

These energy suckers induate you with your “woe is me” vibe. When you scratch beneath the surface you’ll notice they do not actually take responsibility for their own actions. It’s them against the world and that becomes their fuel for their unhappiness. Want to offer them a solution to their problems? “Yes, but…” is a common rebuttal you will hear thrown back.

Protect yourself: Boundaries are necessary here. Take the time to listen to them and simply say, “I care about you and I want to help but I can only discuss this for more than a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions.” It isn’t harsh, it’s taking care of yourself. If you’re not good at speaking up, use your body language (breaking eye contact, crossing your arms, removing yourself if necessary, etc). This is how to set healthy limits.

2. The Controller

You know this one: the people who obsessively try to control you and tell you what you’re supposed to feel and how you’re supposed to be. They have an opinion about everything. They will attempt to take control by invalidating your emotions if they don’t like them and say things like “You know what you should do?” and promptly give you their list. You can’t help but feel dominated, degraded, and demoralized.

Protect yourself: Reaffirm your assertiveness in a healthy way and say, “I value your advice, but I think I should work on this on my own.” Stand up for yourself. Don’t play the victim and don’t sweat it if they get a little defensive. They aren’t used to having someone being as honest as you are. The more you exert your honest self, the more they will back off on their expectations to control and drain you of your power.

3. The Narcissist

Enter the person who has an over inflated ego. It’s usually coupled with a grandiose sense of entitlement and over-the-top self importance. The name of their game is “Me first.” This is the most dangerous of energy vampires because they truly can’t put themselves in yours, or anyone’s shoes. And show a true under capacity for genuine love and emotions. Don’t do things their way and they will turn on the coldness to you by withholding emotional or physical affection or even punishing you in other ways.

Protect yourself: You’re dealing with a person who is emotionally stunted. You have to be honest and adjust expectations. Don’t expect selflessness and no-strings attached love with someone like this. As always, remember your self-worth is not dependent on them, it lies within you. If you want to get through to them you must show them how something will be to their benefit. However, it’s better not to have to uphold this level of nauseating ego stroking but if this interaction is necessary to try and use the tips above.

Refill your cup

The takeaway from this should be that you can fix this by addressing it head on.

If you continue to let others cross, ignore, or even be unaware of your boundaries, you’re doing yourself a disservice. No one can protect your energy but you. If you are in a cycle of being drained, you cannot provide the best version of yourself because you lack the energy to do so. If you’re emotionally tapped out this could resurface in other detrimental ways down the line.

You always have the power to server any relationship or dynamic that is no longer serving your highest purpose. You will be helping yourself and the other person by enacting boundaries and in turn, they can learn what a healthy relationship or friendship looks like.

Start small

Take it one step at a time by setting a boundary tomorrow with someone who you know internally, drains you, and then the next day set another one, and so on. Time will show that when your clear and distinct emotional lines are drawn in the sand, you’ll be more clearly able to see whose footprints are crossing them.

Live the life you want, free from guilt and burden put on you by others. Tops, bottoms, subs, slaves, observer, or other – anyone is capable of sucking you dry.

About the Author
d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

The Caliber Of A Fem(Dom)

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I won’t bore you with the usual caution to not trust just anyone, no matter the size of their toybag. I will, however, share with you some things I’ve cultivated and strived for over the years to become what I consider, a Femdom of respectable caliber. 

It varies greatly when we get to the specific types of dominants that are desired within the community. That’s why regardless if you’re the one spanking or being spanked, you should do your utmost to create a trusted wheelhouse of inner qualities. In case no one has said it to you plainly, know this: 

Being a submissive/bottom is very dangerous. 

There’s no other way to view it. In that role, one is expected to discuss limits, agree on a safeword and, then…trust the person they are playing with to follow through. All while usually, in a fairly compromising situationship. Gagged…hogtied…restrained…restricted…it can be hard to give up control even when you want to feel so controlled. 

Submissives aren’t toys 

I’m not talking about the endearing (and incredibly sexy!) act of calling someone your ‘toy’. I’m talking more along the lines of treating a very vulnerable human, like an actual toy. 

Toys can be broken and put back together. They are designed to be “played” with. And if they’re broken beyond repair, well, then we replace them. 

An s-type is not a toy. It is your person to consensually play with in a manner in which they will not become broken, in a manner of speaking. There’s a lot of assumed responsibility as a dominant that we know what we’re doing. Sadly, not all dominants know what they’re doing. A lot of dominants are imposters (only ever having fantasized about dominating). Others are aimless dominants in training, learning through trial and error, usually error. Yet even still some equate their own narcissism with a hall pass into the kink community. 

There are no schools that I know of that teach dominants how to do things perfectly and safely. (Despite some in community having been “titled” and “trained”). Did I miss a “sign-up”for the next semester? We are all learning together and it’s best to never close yourself off to more knowledge and skill training. As a dominant, who happens to teach classes, and talk a lot about kink, the day I think I have nothing left to learn is the day I leave the scene — it’s the day I become useless and reckless. 

Peel back the layers 

With that said, it’s hard to know what should you strive for as a dominant. This list of qualities I think a safe, respectable, well-intentioned dominant could benefit from is also a list for submissives. If you don’t watch out for yourself, no one will. No matter what side of the slash. Trust yourself to know when you’re comfortable and follow your gut instinct every time, all the time. At best, you miss out on a play scene, at worst…well who could say? No one, but something deep inside does. Don’t lose your ability to ground yourself and make rational decisions, sub and Dom frenzy is a very real occurrence that even I’ve fallen prey to! Each of these traits absolutely needs to be genuinely built from within. And it couldn’t hurt to really flesh them out before bringing anyone “into” the mix that is your style of dominance. 

  1. Switch on and tune in 

This one seems easy. How can you ignore someone who has really “devoted” themselves to you? You can disrespect that devotion. When you engage in this dynamic with someone it’s so easy to take without question, without thought, and without care. But, what do they gain? You owe it to them to allow their services, whatever they may be, to flourish. It is within your power to only just pick and use the traits and skills to your advantage but to also reflect your appreciation back. If your s-type loves to make you breakfast, honor that by surprising them with their favorite morning meal once in a while (who cares if you ordered online, it’s the thought that counts!). An unappreciated submissive is the best recipe for receiving unappealing service. 

Attention to detail is important to me, and I do my best to show that in many ways. Pay attention to your bottom no matter the situation. If it’s in a vanilla setting little things can mean a lot. I know my puppy loves fun socks (hey, there’s his little side), and so occasionally I will gift him with a pair or two with playful patterns. In a scene or during play it’s even more important to pay attention to your partner. Don’t just rely on the safeword for safety. Verbally check in, watch their breathing, their body movements, and eyes when possible for signs of distress. It’s your duty as a top/dominant to be extra attentive to these details. This is the responsibility you assume in this role and they deserve your full attention. 

  1. Take control…like you really mean it 

What does control mean to you? Does it mean picking out a sub’s clothes or food? Restricting their active actions without prior authorization from you? Maybe to them it means allowing you the power to punish them when they fall behind on work or a passion project? Or maybe even identifying objectively when they are stressed and stepping in to help where needed. 

Control can mean a lot of things to a lot of people but if it’s constantly changing no one can enjoy it. That’s why it’s not only important to figure out where and how to exhibit your control over a submissive but also be consistent in your orders and process. 

Consistency is key when wanting someone to perform the same thing, words, actions, repeatedly in the same manner. When you go out to eat, you expect french fries to resemble some manner of fries. I would complain if it were a baked potato even though it’s the right vegetable, it wouldn’t be consistent with my expectations, and I wouldn’t be happy. Your submissive cannot live up to your standards if they are constantly changing. When you decide something, take control of it by explaining it thoroughly and correcting where necessary. Whatever you do, don’t be wishy-washy and still expect excellency. 

  1. Heart of gold 

Despite what BDSM porn may say (ha!), I have found a dominant who has their submissive’s best intentions at heart are the safest to interact with. This goes beyond a simple negotiation and check-in during a scene. 

Many dominants have the ability to really abuse a bottom. Whether that’s mentally, emotionally, or even physically. And it might not always be intentional but that doesn’t prevent it from happening. There is nothing that gives me a higher feeling than knowing I have someone who is sometimes, quite literally, putting their lives in my hands when playing. It’s easy to get swept up in the ideology that as a dominant you “know” best. You don’t “need” improvements. You “have” all the answers. 

The simple fact of the matter is you don’t. 

And if you do, then please, let this Femdom get on her knees for you…All Knowing Fem of Doms. 

I’ve ran into too many dominants who refuse to attend classes, even basic vanilla safety courses, find a mentor when possible, participate in skill shares and trade knowledge all because they “know” what they’re doing. They needn’t your silly advice. 

Don’t abuse your power as a top. Do all you can to keep your submissive and yourself safe, externally and internally. Don’t let a predator with no real first hand experience talk you into anything you don’t want to do if you’re an s-type. Don’t guilt bottoms into playing your way “or else”, and certainly don’t imply that if they don’t follow your lead you will abandon them. 

This is emotional and psychological abuse and no one should have to take this in any relationship or dynamic. A power hungry individual will follow a path to their own demise every time, and it’s not pretty. 

Be yourself 

Create your image, if that’s your thing. Select your title, change it up, flip stereotypes, color outside the lines. Every dominant has a unique and special quality, style, and abilities. Find yours out with practice and learn things about what you don’t enjoy first, as you might be surprised when you have your mind expanded. I was never into pegging, now I know more behind the first-hand experience of power exchange it promotes and it’s a solid kink of my playhouse now. 

When I started out I thought I needed to be a certain type of “Femdom” but I gave that idea up long ago. I only found true power in being my own type of Femdom, in my own image. BDSM has a way of highlighting all the facets of your soul that have remained in the shadows. Why hide them if you are looking for a partner who will trust you and who you want to trust? Be confident but be yourself, you’re the only one of you. 

You are who you are. Own it. 

The greatness in a community like this, is that you have 100% freedom to be who you truly are. We welcome all kinds. 

I purposefully made this list small and simple. It’s not complicated to be a good dominant partner because it requires you to be a good person first. 

  • Stay alert and knowledgeable in the areas of interests 
  • Respect and appreciate your service when received 
  • Lastly, don’t overstep your boundaries as a top 
  • Fuck the haters, be who you want to be 

Even though dominance is a role requiring strength and integrity it also includes humility, respect and an ever-curious mindset. 

Anyone can Google ‘Spanking,’ ‘Flogging’ or ‘How to Get Him To Submit’ to learn a variety of techniques for various play. But these tools are simply not enough. 

One must learn the language of dominance, and totally surrender themselves to its will and personal desire, in order to dominate like a (Fem)dom should.

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.

Less Labeling, More Talking

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As humans we have an innate obsession with placing labels on everything, including ourselves. Labels help give people a false sense of order and a way to separate things.

However, we aren’t things; we’re people first and heavily using labels to categorize people isn’t fair. It takes away the depth and complexity each of us hold within. It steers away from the notion that the uniqueness of our personhood is much more than a label.

Labels are for jars

When we rely on someone’s sexuality, race, socioeconomic status, locale, or other label, we simply see that person as less than in some way. This can be a subconscious thought thread but still a very real occurrence. Even still, we each have the right to be labeled and called whatever we want. But as a whole collective we should be cautious. Labels are a slippery slope to distorting the perception we have of someone. Again, we come back to the possible (and usual) formation of subconscious judgements.

For ions labels are what have kept people from getting closer. In some cases, labels have sparked wars between differing lands and governments, to the detriment of all involved. Labels separate us as individuals thus pushing us away from those who have an aversion, judgement, or confusion about said label. Just take a look at our extremely polarized society here in the USA when it comes to politics alone!

I want to be clear: I understand the function of labels and their necessity in our current societal structure. It makes it easier to converse at times to cut through overly complicated conversation navigation but there can also be a downside.

We can’t use labels to describe everything about our core values but that doesn’t stop people from still trying haphazardly to do so. With that said, let me share some of my most uncomfortable, self perpetuated, labels. I am hoping that by sharing the labels (and why I don’t particularly care for them) it will help better show that we should be more conscious about the things we are so quick to call others:

FEMDOM

Now I know this will sound weird. This is the main vein of this website. I am a Femdom. That’s my kinky label in the BDSM world. But that is not all I am. I often have to express in my classes ad nauseam that a “Femdom” can do whatever they want. (Within the right context and consensually of course).

As a Femdom there’s a lot of expectations that are put on me by just identifying with the label. I fell prey to trying to live up to those one-dimensional standards when I first entered the scene, as many of you may have also.

  • I can be kind or cruel or both. The choice is mine.
  • I don’t always want to make decisions. Power exchange doesn’t mean I am devoid of needing self care in the form of mental rest.
  • I crave emotional awareness and not just a mindless drone as a submissive. If you come to me saying ‘I’ll be anything you need‘ I’ll probably tell you I need you to leave my presence.
  • I enjoy closeness even if I can’t always verbalize it. It’s hard for me as the one in control to ask for something as simple as a hug or a shoulder to cry on even when it would help. (Yes…dominants cry)
  • I don’t seek out doormats, they foolishly are already on the ground for other (Femdoms) to walk on. I will take the long way around. Thanks.
  • I don’t need leather, latex, whips, or chains to be a Femdom. A prop is for those who can’t hold themselves up when needed. For me it is a state of mind and I control how intense it is, not you and your “submission”.

SLUT

By normal societal standards, I, as many other women (especially us kinksters), would be called a ‘Slut’.

I only like being called such by those I have given that permission to. And even though I call myself a slut sometimes, it doesn’t mean you can.

What irks me most? This is mostly a female identified issue. We all know the blatant double-standard where men are called ‘studs’ and are high-fived and cheered by their promiscuity. I know it’s beating a dead horse but I am happy to see us slowly, crawling away from that way of thinking.

Don’t shame anyone who wants to explore their sexuality. While I am not fussed over sex one way or another, my mere interest and participation would be enough to earn the slut-label for many vanillas. Reserve your judgements for when asked for them (they might not ever, so don’t take it personally). I embrace the fetish on Fetlife ‘Slut as a term of endearment’ because it flips this notion of shame on its head.

BBW

A long time ago, I used to only refer to myself as ‘BBW’. It was a widely understanding of what I was going for when I was still dating. It stands for ‘Big, Beautiful Woman’. I thought “How charming,” and went along with it because others had labeled me that long before I knew what it was. The truth was I didn’t always feel ‘big’ or ‘beautiful’. It made me feel like I was always expected to be happy with my body (I even had a cute little acronym to go with it!) when we all know regardless of size that’s not the case.

No one should be made to feel unaccepted due to their size. I now call myself ‘Plus Size’ and I still fancy that entirely. This implies there’s a “normal” or “less” size and that I do not fit that. Which I know I don’t but I don’t need a label to tell me that, others do.

POC

I know I am going to get a lot of push back on this but I have to be honest. I’ve adopted this label because it has been somewhat forced upon me by a variety of things. Social climate. Political animosity. Us vs. Them mentality. Ally identifier. And mostly, by other Persons of Color.

Make no mistake. I am proud of my heritage. I am proud of who I am. My reluctance with the above label has been mostly due to the subvert act it employs. It can disempower me as a POC individual. When I am not in alignment or agreement with other POC then it is assumed, I am against them. I must be. Right? Because all POC [insert poorly construed stereotype] and if they don’t then they aren’t POC enough. Yes, I’ve actually been told I am not “black enough” more times than I can count in my life. All based on my tastes in music, men, clothing, hobbies, speech patterns, friends and more. Sorry, there is no handbook titled ‘How To Be A POC’, and even if it was on Amazon Prime…just no. I just am POC because it’s who I am, but it doesn’t define my entire being. For some it does and that is their right to identify in that way.

I won’t diminish my voice that speaks to my own personal struggles by co-signing others’. Sometimes, it is perfectly okay to want to stand out, even among those who are very much like you.

POLY

I have so many unpublished pieces on my thoughts and feelings on being poly_______ (whatever). I’ve carried this label for nearly 15 years and it hasn’t gotten any easier as time goes on. If anything it’s become even more muddled! Just as ‘Femdom’ has its own preconceived notions, so does “poly”. These notions sometimes feel even more ingrained in our community.

Everyone does poly differently, that’s what makes it so hard to be poly on a whole with others who do it differently. It takes an extensive amount of communication to make sure all involved are on the same page. Even for a veteran like myself, I’ve had to remind myself that I make mistakes and it’s okay. It’s better when I try to treat each new encounter as individual as the person I am with. Having a set in stone idea of what all poly “must” be is a roadblock many of us poly folks get stuck behind.

Pull over your poly car and assess the problem.

Is it communication? Boundaries? Emotional baggage? Mental hurdles? New territory?Probably a little of all of the above. My poly lifestyle and ideas about poly have evolved just as I have over the years. As it stands today, I am still learning about what poly means to me outside of the “many loves” aspects. If only it were that simple…

WIFE

This is a recently obtained label I feel conflicted on. See the above label. Being poly to me never included me being someone’s “wife”. How can I be fair in my poly when I form a clear and distinct signal to the vanilla (outside) world that I am ‘just like them’? When I am in fact, not and probably never will be. Yet I am passing as such by entering in this legal agreement. The worst is when I don’t “act” like what a normal “wife” is supposed to act like and someone points that out to me. Thanks for that (not!).

I always say I make a terrible wife but a better Femdom Wife. The level of control I want to assume combined with my non-traditional scope of the world, put in practice in my life…well, it’s a bit confusing at times. How would I feel if my partner was married? I often stop to ask myself, ‘Am I asking this as a wife or a Femdom?‘ It’s a question that swirls in my ever-churning brain chatter that I thought I’d never have and stirs emotions I was honestly, unprepared for.

As you can see, I am but one person. Yet have shared only six of my own personal labels (there are so many more ESTJ, Aries, Geek, Love avoidant, Bitch, Weird, etc) but to what end? Do any of these labels make me any less or any more of the traits that may, but don’t always, accompany them? Nope.

And you are but one person. A very special and unique person who deserves to be explored beyond the simple nutritional value label others (or even you) have stamped yourself with. No label can replace getting to know you. What are some labels you have that you don’t always feel comfortable with? What do they mean to you or others? There’s no need to fear living an authentic life with minimized labels. It can actually lead to deeper self discovery and that’s worth a lot more than wrapping yourself up in a box of words.

What are we so afraid of revealing without the sheer concealment of labels?

About the Author

d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.