Dirk Hooper

A Deeper BDSM Experience Awaits You, Outside Your Comfort Zone

December 9, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 6 Comments

Illustration by Dirk Hooper

I hear from people with very different problems, but all share the same solution.

One guy is into FinDom, and deeply enjoys the interaction he gets online, but then feels a profound sense of loneliness afterward. He thinks he knows about BDSM, but, he’s only had a small taste of it.

A woman has practiced professional domination, enjoys it, and wants to be an amazing Domme. She’s also interested in the lifestyle component. But her research hasn’t answered any of the questions that she has, and she’s having a hard time learning the ropes, so to speak.

Another woman hangs out on Fetlife and reads a library full of books, but still can’t put it all together in her head. Plus, she’s looking for the right partner and all she’s finding is a bunch of guys who want one night stands instead of a real relationship.

So, what do all these people have in common?

They all need to get out from behind a computer screen, their cell phone, or get their nose out of a book, and find a local BDSM group.

Look, I know all the reasons why you’re not attending the local BDSM group,

Maybe you’re shy,

Maybe you’re scared, and it all looks a little weird,

Maybe you live in a small town and you must travel a little bit to find the local group,

Or maybe you’re busy.

I’ve had all those reasons and many more to not go to a local BDSM group. I get it. I really do. It’s so much easier to dig around on the Internet or lose yourself in books, but the fact is that connecting the dots, seriously putting it all together, comes from real life, hands-on, experience.

Now, before I go any further, I want to state unequivocally that you’re not required by law to attend BDSM group or a kink event. If you don’t do this, it doesn’t make you any less valid of a kinky person. Some people will meet a special person and will discover everything they need to know together, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s also possible that the fantasy of all of this or just playing in individual scenes is exactly what you’re looking for. That’s okay too.

But, if you’re the type of person who feels this deep inside and knows in their heart that there must be more out there… more knowledge, more connection, more passion, then there is an answer for you. Find a local BDSM group, or an event, and take the plunge.

There are so many things that a local group or a BDSM event are going to do for you.

Real-Life Play

One of the great things about BDSM play parties is getting the opportunity to watch couples conduct their scenes. Everyone has their own dynamic and their own style. You’re going to get a smorgasbord of unique scenes, different players, various toys, and more importantly, you’re going to see how this looks in reality.

The first time I went to play party it was at an upscale home filled with all sorts of kinky people. Even if I didn’t play that first night (I did) it opened my eyes to the vast difference between what you see in porn videos and in movies, versus what happens in a real kinky scene. Every room was like a different channel with a different show playing.

It was a crash course in kinky play. And worth far more than all the books, magazines, and videos I had consumed previously.

There’s another obvious bonus to experiencing real-life play and that’s the opportunity to participate yourself. I played on that first night and it was exhilarating. Some of the things I learned that night I still use to this day. It’s a valuable experience.

Asking Questions

At a BDSM event, you can follow up on what you’ve just seen by asking the participants questions.

Always be incredibly respectful of people in a scene or who are practicing aftercare. Don’t disturb them while they are interacting with each other.

But when things have cooled down, or maybe while they’re putting away toys, if you approach people and ask questions in a respectful manner, most people will be happy to pass on their wisdom.

Often when I’m asking questions about toys or technique or how people feel they will do much more than just tell me. People will frequently allow me to inspect a whip or toy they used. Some will go as far as teaching me how to use an item or demonstrate it on me.

Much of the deeper learning that I have is directly related to speaking to people who have just played and are doing something that interests me.

It frequently leads to friendships, connections, and sometimes mentors, which leads to my next section.

Friendships, Connections, and Mentors

Most people imagine that BDSM events are like Eyes Wide Shut. Sure, there are some events that are like that, but most are a lot more like a science fiction convention.

People go throughout their entire life with this secret interest. It’s likely they don’t share this secret with their friends, family, or coworkers. In fact, they’re probably fighting as hard as they can to keep it away from those exact people.

At a BDSM event, you’re finally surrounded by people who understand what you’re going through. They all have a similar story. And this is their chance to speak openly about what they’re into. It’s liberating. But it’s also a very powerful opportunity for you to meet like-minded people.

That’s one of the reasons why people are so willing to speak to you about their tools and methods. Submissives can be particularly forthcoming about their feelings in a scene. If you’re respectful and inquisitive you can learn so much just by asking a few questions.

Your interactions could easily lead to new friendships, important connections, and maybe even a mentor if that something that you’re interested in.

Those relationships are incredibly valuable to you because they may give you the only outlet you have to talk about this kinky stuff.

Meet A Romantic Partner

While I don’t think making a romantic connection should be your first priority at a BDSM group, there are some distinct advantages to meeting someone in this setting.

You’re going to get a chance to talk with them at length about what they’re into. You can tell if there’s real chemistry between the two of you. You might even get a chance to see them play or play with them in a safe environment.

Also, you’re surrounded by people who may know more about the person you’re interested in. You can get some firsthand knowledge about who this person is, what their history is, and whether they can be trusted or not.

In fact, you could use a BDSM group as a place to meet someone that you’ve met online. Again, you’re going to be surrounded by people who know what they’re doing and are going to be looking out for you better than if you met one-on-one in a private location.

Demonstrations

Most BDSM groups offer classes or seminars on just about every aspect of BDSM that you can imagine.

I don’t care how many YouTube videos that you watch, it’s not the same as seeing it and experiencing it in real life.

You’re going to be right there. You can ask questions, get a better view, or play along with whatever is happening.

It’s going to be better than any class you took in high school!

It’s Fun!

The best reason of all to go to a BDSM group or event is that it’s simply fun. There’s so much that goes on at these things that you can never imagine. Each group and each event is going to be totally different. Once you go, you’re going to be hooked!

It’s possible that you find a group that’s not a good fit for you. Try again with another group. They all have their unique pros and cons.

If you’re interested in a deeper knowledge or a more passionate understanding of BDSM nothing beats real-life experience.

Even if you’re antisocial, you have to travel a bit, or you’re a little nervous, I can promise you that it is worth getting outside of your comfort zone and making the extra effort to connect with the community.

About the Author

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.

Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States. His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine. His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry. Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess. He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.

Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.

Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.” He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”

Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing. Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com.

What Is Fetish Photography?

November 11, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 5 Comments

Dirk Hooper Photography-http://www.dirkhooper.com/

Fetish photography is a catch-all phrase for a number of different subjects and subject matter that is largely composed of sexual fetishes, fetish fashion, bondage, domination, submission, and the people and community that practice those activities or identify as a member.

Some of the subjects of fetish photography include, but are definitely not limited to, foot fetish, dominatrix, fetish fashion, BDSM, shibari, ass or leg fetish, gender diversity, balloons, furries, amazons, wrestling, pregnancy, giantess, sploshing, and just about anything else you can imagine. Most of these things take on a sexual element, but that’s not necessarily required.

Fetish photography differs from other types of photography because it includes those subjects and characteristics, but often the lines are blurred. Fashion photography, music videos, movies, comics, and advertising have appropriated the look and style of fetish photography to give their work an edge or make it sexier.

It’s much easier to show you what fetish photography is than to try to explain it, so if you’re easily offended or you’re at work, now is the time to tune out.

Fetish photography goes all the way back to the origins of photography itself.

Here is the work of Czech photographer Jacques Biederer from the early 1900s.[1]

So, well over 100 years ago, fetish photography was alive and well.

During the 50s, Irving Klaw produced bondage and domination photos. Among his subjects were fetish icons Bettie Page, Lili St. Cyr, and Tempest Storm.[2]

During the 70s and 80s, Robert Mapplethorpe gained fine art notoriety for his photos of the gay and BDSM communities. His deep involvement with the BDSM community opened doors for him that were not available to photographers who were not trusted (something that still occurs today).[3]

My all-time favorite fetish photographer (and someone who was deeply influential in my own work) is Hemut Newton.[4] Newton loved dominant women, and his fashion photography, initially for French Vogue, eventually found its way into luxurious books, fine-art galleries, and everywhere else you can imagine. Not only was he an amazing fetish photographer, he’s one of the best photographers who ever lived.

After publishing his book White Women in 1976, Time Magazine proclaimed Newton “The King of Kink.”[5]

Fetish photography has exploded over the past thirty years, due to the proliferation of devoted beautifully-produced glossy magazines like Skin Two, Marquis, and Von Gutenberg. Obviously the internet made this work widely available to everyone in the mid-nineties.

Another reason for the proliferation of fetish photography is the stigma surrounding the BDSM and fetish communities have relaxed considerably over time, but particularly in the last five years, largely because of psychology studies that have shown that practicing BDSM can actually be good for you[6] , and the runaway success of 50 Shades of Grey, which is universally reviled by the BDSM community, but introduced kink to moms around the world.

Modern fetish photography has some absolutely amazing photographers who are pushing the limits of the medium.

Here’s the work of Steve Diet Goedde.[7]

Here’s one from Peter W. Czernich.[8]

Japan’s best known photographer Nobuyoshi Araki has a long history of fetish photography, particularly including shibari, or rope bondage.[9]

Lady Gaga recently shot with Araki.

Speaking of bondage photography, I’m a big fan of the work of Victor Lightworship.[10]

There’s no way I could cover all the great fetish photography or all the fetish photographers who are out there right now. Many young photographers are taking the elements of fetish photography and fusing them with digital painting and backgrounds to create a whole different world. The look of fetish photography is always evolving.

What separates fetish photography from other genres can simply be the intent of the photographer.

The above photo is a collaboration between fashion designer Christian Louboutin and filmmaker David Lynch for a fetish collection.[11] While most people would look at that photo and see something mundane, or maybe even ridiculous, the intent behind the work is to provoke a response and be seen as fetish photography.

While the characteristics of most fetish photography are easy to identify, anything that is intended to be seen as fetish photography could also be included under that genre, and what is recognized as fetish photography right now will forever continue to expand, and be appropriated by photography at large.

Footnotes

[1] Vintage S&M Photography by Pornographer Jacques Biederer (NSFW)

[2] The Vintage Erotic World of Irving Klaw

[3] Robert Mapplethorpe: Meet the Famous Photographer of the ’80s

[4] Helmut Newton Foundation | helmut-newton.com

[5] Your ultimate guide to Helmut Newton

[6] 5 Reasons BDSM is Good for Your Health: Break Out the Handcuffs, Girl

[7] Steve Diet Goedde | Gallery

[8] Fetish Photography

[9] NOBUYOSHI ARAKI – Elevating the Obscene

[10] L I G H T W O R S H I P

[11] Christian Louboutin’s Fetish Ballerine

About the Author

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com.

How To Protect Your Identity In The BDSM Community

October 8, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 4 Comments

Illustration by Dirk Hooper

There’s a lot of fun and meaningful relationships that can develop from entering the BDSM community. But the fact is that being kinky comes with some risk, even today.

I personally know people who have had their kinky lifestyle brought up negatively in insurance cases, divorce proceedings, and in custody battles. There are copious news stories of people who have lost their jobs because the public discovered their secret lives.

Even if you’re not worried about court cases or job security, you probably don’t want to share your fetishes and sexual proclivities with the general public.

If you’re younger, you might not even be thinking about how important your privacy is, but being lax with your privacy could come back to haunt you later when it does matter.

There’s almost no way to be 100% secure, but there are some steps you can take that will help to keep what you do behind closed doors from being exposed to the public.

Your Name

The first best step to protecting your identity is to simply adopt a pseudonym and use it in every case where you’re talking to people in the BDSM community.

My advice is to choose something that’s reasonable and easy to remember. And take it easy on honorifics. You could be Supreme Lord Master of the Universe Bob if you want, but that’s not the sort of mouthful you should be shooting for.

Keep it simple. Why? Because if you’re using something weird, it’s going to be hard to remember, and when you go to set up accounts everywhere it’s going to get flagged quickly.

For the record, my scene name and my real name are the same. I’m about as “out” as you get. You’re welcome to do that too, but realize that I’m not married, I don’t have kids, and I work for myself.

The Internet

I hope this is not a revelation, but if it’s on the internet, then it’s already out there FOREVER. Keep that in mind when you’re posting that photo of you licking a toilet in that BDSM chat group.

All it takes is about two seconds for someone to save that image to their hard drive. Furthermore, sites that prevent saving images (or apps that only show your content for a few moments and then erase them) are not safe either. There are ways to save anything if it’s available on your screen.

So, pause for a few, brief moments before you share something online and consider the ramifications.

Social Media

I would highly advise creating separate social media profiles using your scene name. That’s to protect your real name, of course, but it’s also to keep your home, your family, your workplace, and your love of TV shows with the Kardashians away from your participation in the BDSM community.

If you’ve chosen a realistic scene name, then it should be no problem to set up new accounts to communicate with people.

I’m amazed by how some people are sharing their intimate sex life in one group and photos of their kids singing in a school play in another group. Don’t make it so easy to connect the dots.

Also, keep in mind that even if you’re not worried about your privacy, other people in BDSM groups are. Take responsibility for what information you share like locations, and who was at that location, and what they did.

Look out for others too, especially in social media. We’re all in this together.

Photos and Videos

Photos and videos get more engagement than anything else. They are wonderful and powerful. But in the wrong hands, they can compromise your privacy and be used as a weapon against you.

It goes without saying that you should be careful with who you share your photos and videos with. How many episodes of “Catfish” highlight people who share nude photos with people they have never even met? Just be careful.

One thing that might also help is to cut your head out of the naughty stuff. At least there is some plausible deniability if your mug is not in the shot. You can also use shadows to obscure your features.

Keep in mind that tattoos are just as much of an identifier as your face.

BDSM Clubs

Many BDSM clubs require you to show a photo ID or may even take down information about your real identity. That’s to cover their own ass. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you’ll have to make a value judgment about who you’re handing over your private information to. And, it’s perfectly fine to ask a lot of questions about why they are doing that and what they are doing with that information.

I know one group that retained a lawyer and had the list of names held by the lawyer so that it fell under client confidentiality. I have no idea if that helps protect that information, but it was clever.

Just realize that all it takes is for something to happen at the club, or some overzealous Barney Fife to start digging around for that secret list of real names. It’s highly unlikely, but once again be careful with who you share your information with.

One other thing to consider… just like with social media, be guarded about sharing the details of your personal life in BDSM gatherings. Where you work, how many kids you have, where you live, and more, makes for great conversation, but keeping your BDSM life and your personal life separate might be a good idea unless you’re close with who you’re talking to.

Email/Skype/Google

Have you been paying attention to Silicon Valley companies that, in the past, were highly concerned with the privacy of personal data and communication of their users (at least they pretended to be).

Now Microsoft is monitoring your conversations on Skype and ready to censor them, Google is handing over powerful search data to foreign countries, and email has never been safe.

If you want your communication to be locked-down, you should take a good look at the apps you’re using.

One alternative for email is Protonmail which is based in Switzerland and boasts that it is encrypted and subject to strict Swiss privacy laws. You can check it out at https://protonmail.com/.

So Now What?

I don’t want to say that you can’t have fun, that you can’t engage with people online, or sext with them, or whatever. Please enjoy your life as you see fit.

The most important thing is to make an informed evaluation of what you want to keep private and be aware of the risks involved.

Maybe you don’t care if naked photos of you on a Saint Andrew’s Cross were published in “The New York Times.” If not, then don’t worry about it.

But for everyone else, some simple steps can go a long way concerning keeping your private life private.

Do you have any additional ideas on how to protect your identity? Please tell us in the comments below.

About the Author

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com

Let’s Talk About Aftercare For The Dominant

September 10, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 5 Comments

Illustration by Dirk Hooper

I’ve read about a million articles (only a slight exaggeration) on aftercare for the bottom or the submissive, but I’d like to propose a little aftercare for the Dominant or the Top too.

Before I get started, this article in no way is meant to minimize the incredible importance of providing aftercare for the submissive. For a Dominant, taking care of the person you just played with is just as much a priority as negotiation, consent, and safety during a scene. Tops or Dominants must take care of the mental and physical needs of their partner first, foremost, and always.

Also, if you’re a submissive and you’re reading this, I want to stress that your Dominant is the number one source of information about how they are doing. No article should take precedent for the ongoing, open, and honest discourse you should be having with the people you play with regularly.

Let’s step back a moment. If you’re a Dominant, then you’re in charge! Doesn’t it naturally follow that all your post-session aftercare will be taken care of? Not necessarily. There are several reasons that you might not be getting the aftercare you need.

My experience as a Dom is that I am highly focused on my partner’s needs and desires. I feel strongly that’s the only way to go. That’s contrary to how many people approach this and that’s fine. However, sometimes that philosophy leads to missing some of my own needs and desires. It’s my fault, but it happens.
You may not even be aware that you need some aftercare. A lot of people are just not terribly introspective in that way. This is one area that the submissive partner could be helpful since they often know you the best.
Maybe, just maybe, you’re the type of Uber Alpha that doesn’t believe in showing weakness or needs at any time. You might believe that since you’re the King or Queen of the Universe that aftercare is for the little people. This could be a big blind spot.

Whatever the reason, here are some ideas for aftercare for the Dominant. Most of these are focused on players who are in a relationship. A single scene typically won’t require much besides a sincere thanks for a fun time and some feedback- if that’s requested (or a hug, hugs are always good). But an ongoing relationship gets more complicated.

All these suggestions are for the purpose of discussion. Each Dominant is different and knows best what they need. Take or leave these suggestions as you will.

Physical Aftercare for the Dominant

Some scenes are physically challenging in one regard or another. Throwing a heavy flogger, intricate rope-bondage, primal scenes, and other things can require strength and stamina. If you’re a weekend warrior your muscles may not be warmed up. No matter how old you are, there’s always a possibility that something zigs when it should have zagged.

These ideas for aftercare might help get the Dominant back in the game quicker.

These are mostly things for the Dominant to initiate.

Drink some water. I’m the worst about this. If you’re engaging in a big, intense scene, you can get dehydrated easily. The submissive probably needs some water too.
Get some rest. A great scene can drain your energy. If you want to be ready for the next scene, it’s vital to leave enough time to chill out or get some sleep before you have to get up the next day. Most don’t want to play with a sleepy Dom/me.
How about a massage? A massage from your submissive is pretty damn wonderful. Not only does it help with tight muscles, but it’s also a great way to bring the two of you closer.
Coffee, Tea, or…? After a scene is a good time to have your favorite beverage or treat served to you by your partner. Take a moment to enjoy it. For me, it might be cappuccino or some wine with the submissive at my feet. Your mileage may vary.
Netflix and Chill. Personally, I need to be close to my submissive after we’ve played together. At the very least, that means snuggling up for a bit. If you have more time that might mean watching a movie together or catching up on the day’s events.
Alone Time. On the other hand, some Dominants might want some time to cool down or reflect on their own.

Mental Aftercare for the Dominant

I think the mental aspect of aftercare is more significant (and more complicated) than the physical part. If your arm is sore after throwing a whip, that’s obvious. Your mind and your feelings are much more mercurial.

Being Dominant means that you’re likely doing things that run contrary to how you were taught to treat people. Causing pain, being exceptionally strict, and humiliating someone you care for works in the context of BDSM, but only if you know the submissive is on board and getting what they want and need out of the relationship. This is important. Dominants need to know you’re okay, and even better, that you’re enjoying yourself.

Here are some thoughts on how a submissive can provide aftercare for the Dominant.

Giving Thanks. Something as simple as a “thank you” can go a long way with a Dominant. There’s a lot of pressure to come up with a scene, execute the scene properly, keep the submissive safe, and to make sure that everyone is having a good time. Don’t take that for granted.
Be Forgiving. Not every scene goes as planned. Sometimes that leads to something wonderful, and sometimes the scene is a bust. If it’s a bust, then let the Dominant off the hook. I promise it will be appreciated. Dominants can be very tough on themselves. Remember, no one is perfect.
Be Open. Dominants need information from the people they scene with. They need it to gauge where the submissive is and for their own peaceful state-of-mind. Being Dominant means taking on a lot of responsibility, and only a sociopath would be unconcerned about how their submissive is reacting to what is happening.
Do Some Introspection. One of the things that has been exceptionally helpful to me is to have a training diary, where the submissive talks about scenes and where they are within the relationship. This allows another level of introspection that might not be present when you’re talking face-to-face. What this does in the realm of aftercare is to identify where the submissive is emotionally and spiritually, and gives the Dominant clear guideposts along the way. Anything you can do to make things clearer will be valued. Honest communication, good or bad, can put a Dominant’s mind at ease.
Keep an Eye on the Dominant. BDSM should be fun. Is your Dominant having fun? Are they as engaged as they were at the beginning? Are they more tired than usual? Is something weighing heavily on them? Part of aftercare for the Dominant is looking out for their mental and physical well-being. A BDSM relationship is a very powerful thing, and it’s likely that you know the Dominant better than anyone else. If it seems like there’s a problem, your respectful attention could make a big difference.
Check in with the Dominant. If you don’t live with your Dominant then simply check in with them a day or two after a scene. That’s the time after DomSpace, or whatever you want to call it, wears off. A little love and reassurance during this time will be helpful.

Aftercare for the Dominant may take many other forms and will obviously be as varied as the people who take that role. The only way to know what your Dominant needs after a scene is to talk to them. You might be surprised by what you discover when you bring up the subject.

Do you have any other ideas for aftercare for Dominants? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.

About the Author

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com

The Wonders of Flogging and How to Do It

August 13, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 8 Comments

Illustration by Dirk Hooper

My fascination with flogging happened when I attended my first play party. I met a couple at a munch and connected with them again the night of the play party. Early in the evening the Dom positioned his wife/slave over a divan in the middle of a large living room and went to work on her for well over thirty minutes.

What happened that night was quite different from what I imagined or what I had seen in erotic movies. This was real, and visceral, and hot! I saw how he used several whips on her. He varied his pace. He mixed-up how strong he threw those tails. The reaction of his wife was amazing!

I talked to them both when they were done with aftercare. She told me how wonderful it was. It shattered my expectations and thrilled me to watch.

Needless to say, I was hooked. I threw my first flogger that evening and the rest is history.

I’ve had multiple submissives tell me that they enjoyed my flogging so much that they asked for it as a reward, instead of a punishment. That’s fine with me! I love it too.

Safety First

Nothing that I say in this article is going to replace the hands-on experience that you’re going to get with a flogger, or the advice that you’ll get from someone who can show you what to do in real time. Please, before you try this with a real person make sure you do your homework, and even better, get some help from someone that has experience with flogging.

I’m going to tell you the same thing that Dom told me on that first night. Looking at your intended target from behind, draw an imaginary line down the spine and make a cross at the kidneys. Those areas are off limits. Even a light flogger can do damage if you hit the wrong place.

Focus on the meaty areas, like the ass, the shoulders, the thighs, hamstrings, and calves. Stay away from the head, and joints, and anywhere that’s bony. In short, use your common sense.

Flogging is typically a marathon, not a sprint. It’s so much more effective (and safe) to build up pain and heat slowly and softly, than to wail with your whole strength.

Also, please forget everything you’ve seen in movies or in video clips. Reality is a lot better, and it’s a lot safer.

It’s also essential to take your time.

Your Tools

Hopefully, you get a chance to throw some floggers before you buy your own. When I bought my first flogger, I had a pretty good idea what I wanted and took a chance on a custom piece that I purchased on the web. What I got was an excellent flogger that I still use today.

Floggers have many different elements to consider.

What do you want it to be made of? Some floggers are soft and fun, others can be “thuddy” or stingy. Some can be downright vicious.
How long do you want the handle to be?
How long do you want the falls to be?
How many falls do you want?
What color do you want? Hey, don’t knock this. If you choose the same colors over and over again then your toy bag will be cohesive, and it will also make finding your toys easier.

For your first flogger, my advice is to do the same thing I did and get a medium-sized suede flogger that’s custom made. What’s great about suede floggers is that they are not too heavy, so you can learn to aim, and it will help to build the flogging session for the bottom/submissive slowly.

Technique

Before you ever throw a flogger toward another person you need to get your range and touch down. Ideally, you want those falls to all come together in one spot. You also need to be able to vary your strikes between the lightest possible touch to something that’s nearly full strength while maintaining accuracy.

How do you do that without striking a person? Try with a pillow first. Just set it on your couch and hit that pillow over and over again until you feel like you’ve got real control over that flogger. Then do it some more.

You’re going to find your own style when you get some experience under your belt, but what follows is how I approach flogging.

I usually start by running the tails over the submissive’s body. If it’s a suede flogger it can be a very stimulating, and it sets up what is to come.

I step back and slowly, lightly, find the range between me and my target. Once you get your range down it’s time to go to work.

The back is a good place to begin. However, don’t just strike in one place. Focus on the ass, but move to the shoulders too, and occasionally try the back of the legs. Keep moving and keep it unpredictable.

What I’ll do is think about pressure in levels. Like, I’ll start at level one, then go to level two, then throw one blow at a three, and start over again. I like to pop a sharp blow every so often to get a reaction and see where my partner is. If you’re doing the same thing all the time it’s going to get boring for both of you.

Build up over time, and check in with your partner constantly. Some people just like to be flogged like an intense massage. Others like to be broken down or challenged.

Furthermore, even if you think you know what your partner wants, some days they will want more or less. Stay in communication with your partner throughout the flogging, every time.

Also, keep in mind that being flogged can be hard on the body. Leaning your partner against a wall will help with stability. Some people use restraints or bondage furniture to help. You can also simply place them on a couch or a bed, so they don’t have to worry about standing at all.

If your partner has become unresponsive or has developed the balance of Jell-O, then you’re done. Wrap up the session and engage in whatever aftercare that you usually do. If you’ve had a lengthy or challenging flogging session then it’s likely that your partner is experiencing subspace. Flogging has always been the easiest method for me to introduce subspace to a partner. It’s that rhythmic building of pain that is so effective in initiating subspace.

Some Additional Thoughts

There are some very fancy ways of doing flogging, like Florentine flogging, or other methods, and those are great. But unless you’re doing a stage show or trying to demonstrate a skill, the only thing that matters is creating an experience for your partner. If what you’re doing is not pretty it doesn’t matter at all. Find your own style and get comfortable with it.

With that said, you can learn fancy flogging techniques and get the chance to play with new floggers at your local BDSM group. You can ask questions to experts and have someone watch what you’re doing and give you advice. Watch other people throw a flogger and learn from them. Joining a local group is always a great idea to be better at what you do and to be safer.

There are a lot of flogging demonstrations on YouTube and elsewhere. While it’s not as good as a live demonstration, it can give you a good idea of different styles and suggest some good tips to follow.

The next thing I’m going to say is going to upset some people… mostly people who haven’t done this. It is extremely informative to let someone else flog you so that you know what it feels like. Have I been flogged? Yes, many times, and it’s unequivocally made me better when I’m throwing the whip.

Finally, let me stress that flogging is a lot of fun and can be exceptionally rewarding for everyone involved. Don’t ever forget to have fun while you’re doing this; it will make you much better. And just like every other skill, try new things and seek out other ways to do flogging.

Knowledge is power.

About the Author

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com

How to Learn New Kinky Skills

July 9, 2018 By Dirk Hooper 7 Comments

Dirk Hooper Photography-http://www.dirkhooper.com/

BDSM beginners are always excited to get started. Once you join a group or find a willing partner, excitement turns to hesitation as you realize that you need to know what you’re doing before you can play. Even experienced players are always looking for new skills to add to their toy box.

How do you learn kinky skills, or hone the abilities you already have?

Read

Decades ago we only had “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thornes,” “SM 101,” “Different Loving,” (all still fine books), and a handful of other books to initiate yourself into the world of BDSM. Times have changed.

There have never been more publications available as there are right now on every variety of the kink spectrum. I could do a whole article on this subject alone, but books like “The Ultimate Guide to Kink,” “Enough to Make You Blush,” and “Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes” are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to high-quality and highly specific looks at different elements of the BDSM experience.

The internet has radically changed the amount of information available to new kinksters. It’s also opened limitless opportunities to make connections with experienced players and get your questions answered.

While you have to be careful about getting information from the internet, or specifically from social media, it can be a good place to start.

What’s wonderful about reading is that you can go at your own pace. If you find something that fascinates you then you can spend your time learning more. Right now we’re in an amazing time where tons of information is freely available in multiple formats.

Reading is no replacement for real-world experience, but it’s a great start.

Join a Group

I’m stunned by how many people I talk to, who are interested in the kink lifestyle, that haven’t sought out a local group.

I realize not everyone lives near a major city. However, it’s worth the trip to join a local group.

The best places to find a local group are on Fetlife.com or through local boards on social media.

Your local BDSM group will help you in several ways to learn and/or hone your skills.

Local groups are where the experts are. If you want to learn Shibari, or how to throw a single-tail whip, or how to do cupping, there’s most likely someone who has experience doing that at your local group. And, in my experience, if you approach them in a respectful manner, they will gladly show you what they know.
Local groups sometimes offer classes. Every group I’ve ever joined has held classes about specific skills. Some groups even have guest speakers from out of town that show up to teach.
Local groups have play parties. Besides the fun of attending a party where all this incredible stuff is happening all around you, play parties are also a bonanza for people who want to learn. Just observing what’s going on can be informative. However, if you’re respectful most people will be glad to talk about their scene when it’s all over.
Local groups have potential play partners. Obviously, nothing will teach you more than participation, and participation usually requires a partner. A local BDSM group will have people you can play with, and will also have experts nearby to offer advice and make sure everyone is safe.

Go to a Convention

BDSM conventions offer many of the features of a local group, but have some advantages and disadvantages.

A BDSM convention is a short event, but they pack as much information as possible in that amount of time. Classes will usually run all day long. Because of this, you’ll have a chance to practice what you learn at nightly play parties.

Conventions can bring in guests from far away, and give you an opportunity to have a genuine encounter with some of the most interesting and knowledgeable people in the world.

Most conventions have a dealer’s room. Dealer’s rooms are an excellent place to get your hands on some new equipment, and talk in depth with people who know how to use that equipment competently.

Get a Mentor

The title “mentor” takes on wildly varying definitions depending on who you ask; the BDSM community has a long history of offering help to newbies and skilled players alike.

What a BDSM mentor will do is help you assess where your skill-level is currently, and what they can do to help take you to the next level. Sometimes, that means that they need to enlist the help of other experts to teach you specific skills.

In my region, there is a mentor program that gives you a new mentor every month. The program runs for a year or so,and will definitely help you expand your horizons. If there’s something like this in Texas and Oklahoma, then there’s a good chance there’s a similar mentor program near you.

Get a Partner

Nothing will help ascend your skill level faster than having a regular partner to play with. When I’ve been in long-term BDSM relationships my skills have soared.

Another benefit of having an open-minded partner is they will often be interested in things that you’ve never tried. This is a great motivator to learn and try something new.

While having a regular partner can accelerate your learning process, it’s also doubly important that you don’t do anything without educating yourself first, taking things slow, and getting feedback on what worked and what didn’t.

Being Safe Means Being Informed

Anyone can pick up a flogger and start whipping someone, but that’s a recipe for disaster. The more you read, observe, learn, and experience, the safer you’ll be.

There’s another great benefit that comes with new or advanced skill sets… you’ll be more attractive to potential partners. Because nothing is sexier than knowledge, especially when it comes to kink.

About the Author

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community. He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com

Dirk Hooper

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