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Polyfeels: Jealousy

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When you’re sitting at home with your heart in your throat and your phone in your hand, you’ve already screwed yourself over: your partner is out with somebody new, and all you’ve planned to do is compulsively check facebook while your jealousy makes you physically ill. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world, and if you’re Poly, you either are or will become intimately familiar with it. In this article, I’m going to talk specifically about jealousy as it relates to people practicing ethical nonmonogamy, otherwise known as polyamory.

Jealousy is one of those emotions that drives archetypal “villain” characters in almost every story, whether it’s the Evil Queen out to get her stepdaughter or an angry ex-lover determined to seek retribution. But in reality, jealousy isn’t exclusive to bad guys…we all feel it from time to time. Mercifully, it’s usually in bite-sized doses. But sometimes, we choke on it.

I never considered myself to be a jealous person, but the first time I saw my girlfriend kissing her other female partner, a twinge of mild annoyance hit me like an involuntary muscle twitch. I didn’t know what it was or why it was happening…I was the most recently integrated partner, after all. I knew about both of my Dominant’s other people, and over the next few months, I would come to genuinely love my metamour in a sincere, ever-evolving fashion. I thought the  jealousy I once felt was starved half-to-death, but I was shocked to discover it lurking in the darker recesses of my heart, very much alive. It came out at weird times, and so I tried to predict it, but it kept not showing up on-schedule. I realized that the jealousy was illogical. There was no external stimuli that could provoke it, although at first I thought there was. The ugly truth settled over me: I wasn’t feeling jealous because my partner/s had done something, I was feeling jealous because I was afraid.

Fear is a powerful motivator, and in my opinion, the root of all jealousy. Because fear is inherently mercurial, my jealousy also felt fickle at the best of times. Once I connected the dots, however, I started to understand how to dismantle my jealousy. Don’t get me wrong…this is still an ongoing battle for me, but it’s one worth fighting because most of the time, I win.

Here are some of the tactics I use when jealousy arises. Hopefully, you’ll find something here that works for you.

Figure out the facts: What’s actually happening right here, right now? I mean, literally make a list of things that are true, not intuited. Compile this fact list because chances are, doing that alone will banish some of your demons.

Realize you are not helpless: Sometimes we convince ourselves that we are powerless in certain situations, but that’s just not true. There is always a choice to be made, and you always have the right to make it. We can’t control every aspect of our lives, but we do have authority over how we behave. Even if it doesn’t feel like much in the moment, that’s saying something.

Admit what you’re afraid of: Oftentimes, the thing we are most terrified of is being abandoned, discarded, or replaced. Loss is attached to some pretty painful emotions, and so it makes sense that most people fear it. Another common poly heartache is managing the division of time between multiple partners, especially if you used to have unlimited access to your lover. Our fears can be based in some pretty harsh realities, but there are still healthy ways to cope with them so that they don’t run your life.

Ask for reassurance: While you should never rely on somebody else to be your all-purpose pacifier when you feel like you aren’t handling your jealousy well, it’s okay to check in with your partner to talk about your fears and what you’re feeling, no matter how irrational you believe your worries to be. Part of living poly is processing tough stuff together. If you aren’t willing to admit out loud that you’re struggling, people are going to make mistakes and feelings are going to get hurt. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not know why you’re feeling a certain way. Just be honest and gentle, not only with your partner/s, but with yourself.

Know that you are enough: You have been enough since you were born, you are enough right now, and you will always be enough for as long as you live. Nobody can give you that gift: you already have it. It’s not up to your partner to make you believe this is true, and it’s also not within their power to take this away from you. Believe that you are worth it. Know that even if the worst happens and somebody leaves you, you will still be able to lead a life filled with love and joy and great purpose. Breakups are hard, no doubt about that, but they won’t destroy you. Only you can destroy you.

Refocus your energy: Instead of overthinking and fixating on the absence of your partner, fill your life with exciting things that are just for you. Go see a movie, write until your fingers cramp, read a good book, take a long bath, watch a favorite TV show, call a friend, take up a new hobby…whatever it takes to make YOU your main focus instead of your partner and their evening plans.

It’s not about you: The reality is, even in a poly triad where everybody is dating each other, there are three separate relationships going on inside of a fourth mega-relationship. It’s not your burden or your right to monitor somebody else’s relationship. When two people are alone together, it most likely has nothing to do with you. And that’s beautiful, because it gives you the freedom to think about yourself outside of whatever it is they’re doing. Find relief in the fact that you can choose to let it go and move on with your night.

Love is more powerful than fear: I said before that fear is a powerful motivator, but compassion and love are infinitely more powerful. Polyamory by definition means “many loves,” and that’s the real reason that we can triumph in the face of jealousy. No fear will be able to withstand the strength of your love if you choose to call upon it, and through your love, you will start to experience the opposite of jealousy…compersion. You will take joy in your partner/s joy.

At the end of the day, jealousy can feel like a hydra that keeps sprouting new heads, but when you cut it down to size and dissect the fear beneath, it suddenly becomes more manageable. Remember, nobody is immune to jealousy. No matter how intelligent you are, how skilled you are at self-analysis, you will experience jealousy because you are human. Instead of evading it or beating yourself up for feeling it, take out your sword and face it with determination. This is, after all, not a battle between you and your partner/s, but a battle between you and yourself. Polyamory offers demanding challenges like this, but if you face them instead of running away, you will emerge as a stronger, more self-aware individual. The rewards of Poly-love will follow, and they are many. After all, why do you think they call it “poly”?

About the Author

Eden studied Creative Writing and Theater at one of the many Cal State Universities. She is a self-identified poly queer woman who draws on her experiences as a submissive to talk about various issues and hot-topics in the Kink Community. She hopes that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone. If you’d like to contact Eden, please feel free to look her up on Fetlife under the handle little_miss_eden.

Why It Broke

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I know now why my marriage was a short one. Time and distance have given me insight. I was naïve; I thought love was solely sacrifice. I thought love was staying even when things weren’t okay. Most of all, I thought that love, once promised, could never be revoked. I truly believed I had no right to renegotiate my relationship. How could I end something that had endured so much? Wasn’t our growing hardship proof that the relationship was strong?

I hadn’t figured out yet that we were trapped in an unnegotiated state of codependence. I hadn’t realized that not only were my needs not being met; neither were hers.

You might be asking yourself, why the hell is she giving me her life story right now? What does this have to do with me? Well…everything, actually.

In the Vanilla World, it’s commonplace to see relationships fail for the same reasons mine did. A lot of things fall to the wayside when you’re trying to live out the “forever and always” fantasy. A healthy marriage was one concept I never got to discuss until it was too late. Ironically, about 1/3 of the people I’ve met in the scene are also divorced, and it got me wondering why. Is it truly coincidence, or is there something more to this?

Three things that killed my marriage were lying by omission, codependency, and fear. I’ve noticed that in the scene, there’s a lot less of these things going on. I mean, it certainly happens, and no relationship is perfect, but being a part of the Kink Community is such a vast improvement. People express themselves without fear of judgement. Polyamory is more commonplace than monogamy, which I find leads to more openness and less jealousy overall. Relationships are directly negotiated, sometimes in contract form. In my opinion, all of these actions/attributes lead to healthier relationships and individuals. In the following paragraphs, I will explain why.

Lying by Omission

Many vanilla relationships have a “sweep it under the rug” attitude that can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. The refusal to discuss the hard stuff has a damning effect on the relationship. Things go unsaid that need to be said, and secrets start to take root. It may be easier in the short run to conceal feelings of discomfort, resentment, and fear, but the only way for a relationship to healthily work long-term is if all partners are willing to be transparent with each other. In the Kink World, how we play and the type of dynamics we form require extra trust and communication. There’s so much more at risk for us if we make a mistake or treat our partners carelessly (due to a lot of us engaging in more extreme forms of play and relationships that can have serious physical, emotional, and mental consequences if not handled properly). As a result, most BDSM/Kink relationships practice more open communication and negotiation than their vanilla counterparts.

Codependency

Poor boundaries and an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own emotional state equal one horribly codependent relationship. In my opinion, any partnership that doesn’t encourage each person to take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing is a flawed one. For example, jealousy is often dealt with by one partner placing restrictions on the other. Not only does this erode trust over time, but it also creates tension and irritation that can shatter a brittle relationship. Taking personal responsibility means addressing where those feelings of jealousy come from, and not assigning blame or micromanaging your partner because they arose. Codependency takes many forms-from overly relying on your partner like a crutch to being utterly unwilling to let them lead a life of their own. While the Kink Community is not immune to enmeshment and codependent behavior, because we spend so much time practicing our negotiation skills, there is more opportunity for us to state our needs and to reflect on what’s going on internally. Debriefing after a scene is a perfect example of this behavior. And hey, at the very least, if somebody is micromanaging their partner’s personal life, it was pre-negotiated and consented to (if one is practicing BDSM/Kink healthily and safely of course)!

Fear

True love cannot survive if you are acting out of fear and suspicion. Fear of being abandoned is a huge reason why most people stay in unhealthy situations. Even fear of what your partner might do if you leave can shape whether or not you feel safe stepping away from a harmful relationship. When leaving isn’t on the table anymore…everything else is. Who knows what you’ll have to endure if walking away isn’t an option? It’s a horrible way to lose somebody, and this slow death was what ultimately killed my relationship. It was an act of love when I finally said goodbye. I no longer had to force myself to settle for vanilla sex. I no longer had to be somebody I wasn’t just to make things “work”. That’s the real reason why so many of us in the scene ended up here after a divorce. Fear kept us in the closet. Self-love unlocked the door.

In the end, the reason there are so many people who’ve experienced divorce in the scene is because we are a culture of pioneers who value consent and transparency. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit you’re into kink to begin with, and it also takes a hell of a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working anymore. Love shouldn’t be compulsory, ever. It shouldn’t just happen without conversation, and serious commitments need to be looked at very closely before they’re entered into. We might be a group of eccentrics, but we sure know how to communicate. Maybe the Vanilla World should take a page out of our book. Who knows? Maybe then the divorce rate would go down. Until then, for all of you readers out there who’ve been through a vanilla breakup…welcome home. The Kink Community is happy to have you.

About the Author:

Eden studied Creative Writing and Theater at one of the many Cal State Universities. She is a self-identified poly queer woman who draws on her experiences as a submissive to talk about various issues and hot-topics in the Kink Community. She hopes that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone. If you’d like to contact Eden, please feel free to look her up on Fetlife under the handle little_miss_eden.

S Is For Sexy

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I’ve heard this phrase get passed around a couple of times since I entered the scene, and it started to get to me the third or fourth time it came up.

 

“I don’t have a submissive bone in my body.”

 

Spoken not by a D-type, but by female s-types who were trying their best to distance themselves from the worst thing a woman can be in today’s modern society. It makes zero sense that we should be so terrified of being associated with a word that many of us s-types find empowering. When I claimed my identity as a submissive, it made me feel ultimately in control of my life and of my body. I literally felt taller, like I was rocking invisible heels 24/7.

 

Even writing this now, I had to strangle the impulse to explain how strong-willed I am as a woman, and how not submissive my personality is. I guess I just found a way to do it. However, none of us s-types should have to feel the pressure to apologize for our orientation.

 

There’s a big difference between the definition of a “submissive,” and a person who uses the word as an identifier. In the same way that queer now serves as a broad stroke label for anybody not straight, submissive is so much more than a word. I know the modern woman is supposed to be determined, self-sufficient, and impossible to tame. And you know what? We are. As s-types, we are the definition of those things; Our submission isn’t taken, it’s given.

 

Unfortunately, the Vanilla World doesn’t see it that way. Most vanilla people condemn those in the Kink Community as extreme and/or perverted. To further align yourself as a submissive adds another level of judgment from vanilla individuals, one that’s a lot harder to come back from. Especially if you’re a female s-type, you suddenly have to deal with justifying who you are to everyone plus yourself.

 

Women are hardwired to constantly pick at our reflections, both literally and metaphorically. We evaluate ourselves, berate ourselves, and starve ourselves. We are told to be stronger, smarter, kinder, prettier…all of the things. And more. But the one thing we can’t be is submissive, because historically that was something forced on us as a gender. So there’s a world of things we’re supposed to be, and then there’s a list of things we are forbidden to be. If you cross the lines or ignore the rules, you’re weak. That’s what we’re told. That’s why we justify, justify, justify. Some women who identify as s-types are terrified, not of who they are, but by the letter s. Whether you’re a submissive, slave, pet, babygirl, or something else on the s side of the slash, you’re the boogeyman of modern feminism…at first glance. But what if we pull back the covers and look under the bed for a second?

 

Feminism is about choice, not what you choose. So, if we are self-aware enough and brave enough to choose something that goes against the status quo, we’re creating a new definition for what it means to be an empowered woman. Instead of distancing ourselves from words that the Vanilla World cringes at out of ignorance, we should actually be reclaiming them. Submission is sexy. It’s one half of a delectable D/s power dynamic that most people in the scene are in some way or another searching for. We have no reason to play offense or defense as s-types. We definitely don’t need to prove ourselves to our vanilla friends. Furthermore, instead of saying things like “I don’t have a submissive bone in my body,” we should be embracing the fact that we bring our submissive tendencies to the table. It’s unfair of us to evaluate who we are by vanilla standards.

 

My hope is that we can move towards inclusion and acceptance as a community, especially those of us on the s side of the slash. It’s all too common to find s-types who have low self-esteem, or s-types who appear superficially confident because they need to assert how dominant they are in the rest of their life. We are valuable human beings. We don’t need to tear each other down to feign strength. Being an s-type takes strength! Instead, let’s walk taller and demand more from the world around us. Let’s say who we are and cut out the explanations. They aren’t necessary, and really, if we’re being honest, who doesn’t love an enthusiastic submissive?

 

About the Author:

If you look up the definition of “green,” you will find the name Eden alongside a picture of a girl tripping over her own feet. Eden has been writing for years and is also an actor and a karaoke enthusiast. She has been active in the BDSM community for nearly three months and can often be found assisting at kink events in the LA area. She hopes her writing will reach other new people in the scene so they can know they are not alone.

Fetlife: little_miss_eden

Things My Mother Never Told Me About BDSM

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I think at some point in our lives we all find ourselves in a situation where we don’t know what the fuck is going on. For me, this “situation” started when I left my wife and just…kept…going. People say in times of hardship we find out what we’re truly made of, but I don’t think anybody would have guessed that inside of me was a masochistic submissive biding her time until relationship Armageddon. It takes a lot of courage to try new things, but if you’re curious about the kink community and you want to get started, here are a couple of things I learned in my first month that my mother definitely didn’t tell me about bdsm.

  1. Social status is not defined by how you identify in terms of dominance or submission. You can be 100% submissive and still command loads of respect. What’s most important is how you treat other people…that and following the rules of any given dungeon. Just like in the real world, you get back what you give. If you’re an asshole, you’re going to be treated like one.
  2. When somebody introduces themselves to you, use whatever name and title they tell you without questioning it. You aren’t expected to revere somebody just because their name is “Goddess Greenbean,” but it would be rude to drop their title. It might even be seen as a sign of disrespect to do so. Gender should also not be assumed. I’ve met at least three female D-types who go by “master” or “sir”.
  3. Protect the identities of people you meet in the scene. Unlike with other social groups and communities, the kink world is embedded in secrecy and coded language because the dominant culture doesn’t accept kinky people. Even though it’s technically discrimination, if somebody’s identity is revealed at their place of work, they could lose their job. This is why many people go by fake names. They’re being cautious, and you probably should be too.
  4. D/s dynamics don’t happen overnight. There are a ton of instances in pop culture where submissives are shown wearing collars and Dominants are depicted as predators who claim their property in one fell swoop, but actually, a D/s dynamic should form as gradually and organically as any vanilla relationship would. Collars aren’t given/accepted lightly, and if you’re new and somebody tries to collar you, you should be alarmed. You don’t need to be in a D/s dynamic to explore the scene, regardless of how you identify. Take your time and choose your partners wisely, not out of desperation.
  5. Always, always negotiate before you play. There’s no such thing as too much information when it comes to being safe, and you’ll find quickly that everybody has their own unique set of soft and hard no’s, D-types included. Make sure you clearly communicate what’s going to happen or at the very least what might happen before you play with someone. I’ve yet to meet the person that seriously has “no limits,” and if you’re new and you think that describes you, take some time researching kinks before you blindly agree to everything on the table. Also know that you don’t need to invent a unique safe word just for you. The commonly accepted safe words are “yellow” for slow down and “red” for stop immediately. You might confuse the person topping you if you shout out “dandelion” at the top of your lungs in the middle of a scene.

Still uneasy after reading these pointers? That’s how it was for me the night I decided to turn my kinky dreams into a reality. Some of the things I thought I’d encounter in a bdsm dungeon the first time I stepped foot in one: a dominatrix woman in leather with a Russian accent. Dimly lit wall sconces that threw more shadows than actual light. Screams of pain. Somebody stumbling out with half their clothes on. Vampires. A shit ton of rope. Medieval torture devices. Dildos.

What actually happened…

The receptionist buzzed me in. I sat down on a plushy couch and reflected on the fact that my therapist’s office looked less inviting than this room did. A working submissive emerged politely from a back room to whisper something across the desk, and then the receptionist stood up and encouraged me to walk into the back room where a support group was meeting. Everything looked and smelled clean…almost clinically so. And the collection of people I saw as I took a seat on one of the last empty red poufs looked completely, 100%, no questions asked, normal.

You read that right. Normal. I usually detest the word and everything it stands for, but in this specific case it was a relief to see real people who were smiling, murmuring to each other, and looking around with non-judgmental curiosity. This wasn’t frightening at all. Not one person stood out as threatening, predatory, or even remotely vampiric. It was somewhere around this moment that I got hit with a major reality check: everything I thought I knew about bdsm was a lie. What I’d seen on TV was a lie. What I read in books was a lie. And now as I sat here surrounded by other people who shared this big, scary secret with me, I realized in the best possible way that I was not alone. Things stopped feeling scary. Who I was stopped being secret. And I started living my truth unabashedly.

My advice for newcomers is as follows:

  • Go into the kink community with an open mind and a willingness to ask questions.
  • Your goal should not be to find a play partner off the bat; instead, search for friends and role models that have more experience than you so that you have a safe place to ask questions and to get a little extra support.
  • Especially if you’re submissive, don’t fall into the trap of believing that you don’t have a right to voice your own needs and boundaries.
  • Carry yourself with confidence and dignity. Other people will pick up on that energy and automatically treat you with respect.

My biggest fear was that somebody might take advantage of me if I wasn’t on the defense. What I found instead was a core group of kinksters who wanted nothing more than to help me grow, but I had to let my own guard down long enough to see the helping hands all around me. Remember this: no matter how insecure you might feel, at the end of the day we are all just people. Awesome people with leather floggers and spanking benches, but people nonetheless.

There are a million and one ways to explore the scene, but hopefully these pointers help you navigate the space as you start your kinky journey into the unknown. If you have any questions or you’d like to reach out, feel free to contact me on my fetlife account at little_miss_eden. Thanks for reading!

By: Eden

If you look up the definition of “green,” you will find the name Eden alongside a picture of a girl tripping over her own feet. Eden has been writing for years and is also an actor and a karaoke enthusiast. She has been active in the bdsm community for nearly three months and can often be found assisting at kink events in the LA area. She is hoping that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone.