Elyssa Rice

Avoid The Kink Holiday Push

November 1, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

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Winter time is coming. The weather is slowly beginning to change and the desire to pair up is seeping into the minds of many. As we enter Autumn, the pull towards developing new relationships continues to grow but in the time of Covid, there is a major barrier to creating those winter time pairings. Further, for those in the kink world, finding not only a partner but a kinky partner can make things even more challenging.

Navigating dating as a kinky person can be quite difficult. Between the limited resources available to find quality kinky partners to the frequent fetishizing of kinky folks, it can be hard to find serious connections that can grow into long term relationships. In fact, it can even be a struggle to find something casual. It is important when pursuing new relationships, especially those that are kinky, to take your time, pay attention to red flags, and never lower your standards.

Do not lower your standards

I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain dedicated to the standards that you have set for yourself. When we are in a clear head space, it is much easier to reflect on the type of partner that we may want but often, in times when we are eager to partner up, we may pair with someone who may not be suitable for our needs. To remain diligently committed to the standards that have been set for ourselves can be a challenge, however it will likely increase the opportunity to find a partner who is a better match.

Do not rush

It is easy to approach this season with the feeling that a relationship must begin immediately. The desire to pair up is often influenced by loneliness which in turn creates feelings of discomfort and distress. It is important not to let those feelings inform the decisions that are being made when trying to pair up. Rushing into relationships often leads folks to miss red flags that may have otherwise come up if more time was taken. While finding an excellent partner may happen early in the dating process, it can be helpful to slow down and take your time as you go forth with getting to know that person and potentially committing yourself to them.

Do not ignore red flags

One of the riskiest things folks can do when beginning a new relationship is ignore red flags. This is even more dangerous when the relationships have a kink component. Red flags are meant to warn us from potential risk and it is easy to overlook those risks when the desire to be in a relationship is overwhelming. Looking at our past experiences can allow us to recognize where there have been errors in our judgement. Perhaps we saw a trait that we convinced ourselves we could get used to when in reality, it should have been a deal breaker. As people approach this cuffing season, it will be helpful to not attach to someone who exhibits traits that we deem toxic or unhealthy for our well being.

The dating process may seem daunting but it is possible, even in these unusual times, to find a partner or partners who can make this winter even more cozy. Overall, looking at relationships with an open mind and approaching slowly and cautiously may allow for stronger and more healthy connections to be made. So this fall, as you approach the season of connection, remember that cuffing, whether emotionally or physically, requires diligence, patience and hopefully a bit of fun.

Elyssa Rice is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in the Kink and Alternative Lifestyle community. She is a writer, lecturer and advocate for sexual empowerment and sexual freedom. She has a private practice in Los Angeles, CA and is dedicated to shifting the narrative about both the mental health and Kink community.

Starting out in the world of kink

October 4, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

Molly had fun playing for the first time

Ah, to discover the kink community after living a vanilla life. What an exciting and potentially nerve-wracking time in your life. When we look at kink development, many kinksters will say that there were signs of kinkhood early in adolescence, some even in childhood. While at that young age, there were not words to understand it, many folks had a preoccupation with pain or various objects more so than that of their peers. It was those early interests that flourished and eventually turned into formal and understandable kinks. While many folks have felt their kinkiness throughout most of their lives, there are plenty of individuals who discover this new version of themselves in later adulthood, whether intentionally or by accident.

Stepping into the kink world can be scary. It is easy to feel like everyone knows what they’re doing, and you are the odd person out. The amazing thing about kink is that there is always room to grow, even for the most experienced players. So much of kink is about evolving and transforming and pushing past what we all think is even possible. Several things are essential to remember when beginning this journey, and I am hoping to give you some helpful tips to guide you on your way.

Take Your Time

Patience may be hard to come by when you are engaging in something brand new. It can be even more challenging when this brand new thing provides pleasure in a way that has not been experienced before. While the desire to jump headfirst into the kinky pool may be overwhelming, it can be beneficial to take your time as you navigate this new way of life. Slowing down and pacing yourself can actually be quite helpful in the long run. When experiencing play for the first time, you may want to spend time processing the experience so that you can get a more firm understanding of what it is you actually want in this kinky world. The exciting thing about kink, and really sex in general, is that exploration can occur throughout our lifetime. Remember hearing about the outbreaks of STIs in retirement homes? While this may not be something to strive towards (as safety and health are essential), it shows us that sexual exploration can truly last our entire lives. So, take your time and enjoy the journey because there will always be a new destination when it comes to kink.

Consent is everything

I cannot stress enough that consent is everything. If there is ever a time that you are approached in the community by someone who wants to play without any negotiation, I highly encourage you to decline. Consent is what allows for mitigation of risk, so while risk will not be entirely off the table with proper negotiation, unwanted harm will certainly be less likely to occur. One of the pillars of kink play is consent, so it is incredibly important that the idea of consent gets woven into your mind from the beginning.

You are not alone

If you are new to kink, it can be very common to feel immense anxiety mixed in with your excitement. It is easy to feel like everyone else is more experienced or that you do not know what you are doing. While it may be the case that there are kinksters who are well versed in their practice, there are always newcomers who are starting from scratch. You are not alone in your kink journey. Every person who you look up to in this world started precisely where you are. Kink practice is just that, a practice. It takes time and effort to be able to perfect a technique or be able to execute a new action that has not been done before. Kink is about the ongoing journey of learning. The beauty of this community of practicing kink is that you will always have room to continue to grow and evolve. If you can put in the time to getting to know members of the community, you will quickly learn that you are not in this alone.

Don’t be afraid to ask for guidance

Kink can be confusing, complicated, scary, and even risky. Any new experience can bring up feelings of nervousness, and one of the best ways to work through that is to ask for help. Many professionals in the field can assist you in this process. From therapists who are experts in kink (like me!) to professional Dom/subs/etc., to other members of the community, there is often room for guidance. Fortunately, technology allows us to connect with kinksters from all over the world, so even if you are not in a particularly kinky town, you may be able to establish online relationships that can assist you on your journey.

This is an exciting time in your life. In fact, this is the beginning of a journey that can transform how you explore your identity. By taking things slow, remembering that consent is key, asking for help, and finding community, you will likely increase your chances of having a positive experience in this fun and exciting world. Dipping your toes into the kinky pool may be a little bit startling at first, but as you slowly continue to enter, you will find yourself much more comfortable and soon fully immersed in the world of kink.

Changing The Language Of Kink

August 30, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

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We do not often think about the gravity of our words. As we speak, words flow freely without much thought, and many times these words have consequences that we never see. When we compliment someone who has been feeling particularly insecure, we cannot begin to understand the positive impact that those few words could have on their mood. In fact, many, if not all, are entirely unaware of the power of the words we speak. I would like to think that most of us try to use our words to heal, but I have noticed that there is so much room to improve just how we use these powerful words that come out of our mouths.

I have noticed this beautiful part of the kink community, the space where kinksters protect and defend one another. Where they make sure that they do everything in their power to minimize both physical AND emotional harm. This often comes in the form of warnings about behaviors, words, history, and rumors of others in the community. We are playing this massive game of telephone, and while it is spectacular to feel like I have the power to protect others, I have noticed that my language and the language of so many others is actually quite problematic.

So, what are the words that I am talking about that are problematic? I imagine if you have been in the scene for any amount of time, you have heard them over and over again; real/fake, good/bad. The idea that there are “real” or “fake” or “good” or “bad” kinksters is not only incredibly invalidating to those who identify as kinky, but it can be a dangerous game. What you can be is dangerous, inexperienced, or reckless. You can also be responsible, attentive, or considerate. When we are discussing others in the scene, it can be incredibly problematic when our language is not accurately portraying what we mean. To describe someone as “bad” when we really mean that they are “dangerous” is doing a disservice to our community. Word of mouth can be so incredibly influential when trying to venture into this new world. If we are not careful about the way that we use language, we can be steering newcomers (or as I like to call them, baby kinksters) in the wrong direction.

When entering into the kink scene, it can be enormously helpful to connect with those who are more experienced. If those experienced kinksters want to open their hearts and minds to newcomers, it is crucial that it is done with caution. We have the power to ultimately shape the experience of another and we should take that responsibility seriously.

When we are looking at shifting language, it is important to become mindful of not only our words but our intentions. Are we steering someone away from a new play partner because they are dangerous? Did we personally have a bad experience with them? Are there unresolved feelings, so we are not ready to see them with another person? All of these questions and so many more can allow us to gain insight into the choices that we are making and will enable us to give advice in a responsible and helpful way. When warning a friend about a person, saying they are “fake” will not be as impactful as saying that they had a scene with them in the past, and their boundaries were violated. On the flip side, saying that someone is “real” could mean just about anything. Are they real because they are experienced? Do they have formal training? Did you play with them once and enjoy it and now they are “real” to you? The next time you try to describe a fellow kinkster, think about these questions. How can you accurately describe them in a way that is helpful and perhaps a way that you wish they were described to you.

Lastly, I think it is important that we talk about the association between “fake” and inexperienced. Inexperienced does not make someone invalid as a kinkster. I am finding that using these words synonymously is causing significant emotional harm to those who are trying out this new way of life/play, particularly those who begin later in life. Not every person in this beautiful kinky world has entered it immediately into adulthood. Many find their way here at various points in their sexual development and downplaying the validity of someone’s identity by calling them “fake” is a likely way to deter them from truly reaching their potential as a kinkster.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to choose our words wisely and intentionally. Our language is powerful, and making sure that we are using our words from a place of authenticity and integrity to truly help others can allow our entire community to be a safer and more welcoming place.

Putting The Safe In Safeword

August 8, 2020 By Elyssa Rice Leave a Comment

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For as long as I exist in a space of teaching for and existing within the kink community, I will never stop promoting, encouraging and inviting any conversation or action that promotes safety and empowerment. While completely eliminating any risk is not possible and frankly, some risk is welcomed, it is still incredibly important to protect the space and hold firm the boundaries that are agreed upon within any scene.

Historically, we have been programmed to follow many rules both consciously and unconsciously. Consciously, we subscribe to the laws created for us. We know that a red light means we must stop and if we drive through that light we risk a consequence. We also follow rules unconsciously, playing into the social scripts that have been created for us, like our fixation on socially constructed beauty ideals or that relationships must exist in a certain structure to be valid. As we reflect on our lives, while we like to think that we are running the show, there are many areas where we have little to no control. The force that pulls us is often not coming from within but from the outside and let me tell you, that force is strong.

When safe words are discussed, it is typically in a conversation about safety only but safe words are so much more than that. Safe words allow for us to be empowered in our erotic lives. They allow for us to be vulnerable and to develop deep trust between anyone participating in play. In a world where so much of what we do is controlled and so many of our “nos” get ignored, safe words allow for us to feel the power of having decisions in our own hands. How incredibly freeing to know that we have a decision that we can make that is entirely our own, without influence or pressure by another? Safe words are more than just opting out, they are empowering within.

I am often asked about the do’s and don’ts of safe words. Where do we begin? When should I use them? How do I choose which one works for me? These questions are all extremely important and while many folks have differing opinions on safe words, I will provide my standard rules. Please note that these rules may not apply to everyone but have been a solid base for myself, my friends and many clients who participate in kink play.

The first and most important rule of safe words is simply to have them. I have heard the debate many times that folks do not want or need a safe word and of course, we all have the power to make those decisions for our own lives, but I do not in any way encourage that. If you are new to the kink scene, it is paramount that you have safe words integrated into play. Consent and boundary violations are far more likely to occur if safe words do not exist and negative early experiences in the kink world can be highly influential on the future of your kink exploration.

A safe world simply existing in the realm of your consciousness is not enough. It needs to be shared, discussed and agreed upon. The question often remains, how do I choose one? Well, one of the most important aspects of choosing a safe word is selecting a word that you will not only remember, but one that does not naturally come up within an erotic encounter. Words like “no”, “stop” or “don’t” are often integrated into play and can create confusion within a scene. Safe words should be obscure, but not so much so that they will pull you entirely out of the erotic space. If you pick a word that makes you laugh or uncomfortable, you may struggle to get back into the erotic space if you choose to do so.

The most common safe words that I have heard are based on the traffic light system. Green indicates complete comfort with where the scene is at and designates consent to continue. Yellow indicates that the comfort zone is being pushed but that there is still consent to continue with the awareness that any further may be too far. Of course, there is red, indicating a full stop. There is no confusion about the use of the full stop safe word. Play stops, period. You and your partner/s have the freedom to choose words that you will use in your play but keep in mind that there needs to be no doubt whatsoever regarding what the words are and what each of them means.

So, let’s be real for a moment here. There are plenty of situations that an individual can be in where their mouth is not free or their ability to verbally communicate is no longer existent. These are the moments that reinforce the importance of not only having a safe word but having a safe gesture. Whether you agree on squeezing a hand a number of times, tapping out, or creating your own gesture, these are vital for those who play with breath, gags, or any activity where your mouth is full. Erring on the side of caution can only enhance play so having both a safe word and a safe gesture can allow for a safer, more comfortable and more connected experience.

Now, if a safe word has been established, shared and agreed upon, there is one more component that is crucial to discuss. This is the actual use of safe words. I have heard far too many times stories of individuals hesitant or even against using safe words. The problem with this mindset is that it is doing a disservice to every person involved in the play. Safe words are meant to keep boundaries in place and crossing those boundaries can result in the type of physical and/.or emotional harm that deters folks from playing again in the future. As much as a submissive trusts that their Dominant will adhere to the use of safe words, a Dominant trusts that their submissive will use it if necessary as well. Trust that a safe word will be respected on ALL sides is key to play and if safe words are not used when needed, the boundaries are violated for everyone involved.

In addition, it is important to note that submissives/bottoms are not the only people that benefit from or are entitled to the use of safe words. Limits can be crossed for all folks within a scene and the idea that Doms do not or should not safe word is problematic and dangerous. All of those involved have the right to opt out of play at any given time and we must remember that boundaries are not limited to only subs and bottoms.

All in all, the use of safe words is an incredibly important component in kink play. To allow ourselves to be completely immersed in the play with the knowledge that we have the freedom to opt out at any point is what can make the play itself even more intense and powerful. Trust is built when all parties involved adhere to the boundaries created and trust is the key to unlock the endless potential of pleasure that we can all experience.

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Kink In The Time Of Covid

June 28, 2020 By Elyssa Rice 2 Comments

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I would be hard pressed to find something less sexy than a global pandemic. Between heightened emotions, tremendous fear, heartbreaking tragedy and social isolation, we have been thrown into a world that is not only unfamiliar, but unwelcoming. The very ground that we walk on has collapsed and we are experiencing a version of life that no one could have prepared for. Whether we are single or partnered, this shift has resulted in significant changes to our erotic and sexual lives. Relationships that were once solid are now rocky, sex lives that were once full and exciting are now dull and for many, expression and practice of kink is now stifled.

With dungeons closed, play parties halted and general human to human contact at a minimum, it is increasingly harder for kinky folks to feel connected in a meaningful and fulfilling way. Shifts in the hierarchical structures and foundations of many D/s relationships are leading to an increase in relationship tension and overall emotional and sexual dissatisfaction. What I have witnessed in the last few months both personally and professionally is a shift in all interpersonal relationships but none more powerful than those where kink plays a major role.

While much of what people are feeling can be traced back to the financial, physical, and emotional strain that the lock downs have had on our well being, there is a piece that remains virtually hidden from the typical discourse about life in the time of Covid. The “how are yous” and “how are you holding ups” are usually meant to gauge how an individual is coping and the typical, perhaps unconscious, intent of those questions is to open the door to complain about the stressful state of our current lives. What is missing from so many conversations are the questions about how their relationships are being impacted, particularly those that exist in a hierarchical structure.

When we sit and reflect on what makes so many D/s relationships successful, it is that they are often rooted in a firm, negotiated and agreed upon arrangement of how each individual will play, work, and exist within the structure. In times of crisis, these arrangements get shaken up, with roles sometimes needing to shift to accommodate for the change in circumstances. Typically a crisis is short lived, sometimes even anticipated. Often, when a crisis hits, there is an idea of when things will return to “normal” and most importantly, when a crisis hits, we are often surrounded by a social circle, whether that be family, friends, work colleagues or a community, where members lives are relatively unaffected by our crisis allowing for us to lean on outside support to process and move forward. Experiencing collective trauma does come with a beautiful side effect of deep understanding of others and an ability to empathize on a level far greater than what is typical for people. However, collective pain also means that we cannot receive the level of support that we may need due to the empty emotional tanks that are existing within the folks in our social circle.

During the lockdown, shifts have occurred both within D/s relationships where partners are cohabiting as well as in relationships where partners live apart. The common shifts that I have seen recently are shifts in work life, increased job stress, financial insecurity, changes in childcare roles, lack of privacy and for many, the overall inability to see partners due to the restrictions on social gatherings. With all of these changes occurring in and out of the home, it is unsurprising that relationships are beginning to suffer. For some, the impact has been minimal but for others, this has resulted in more tension and conflict in the relationship than ever before.

So, as we navigate this unknown world with these new relationship challenges for kinky folks, how can we protect and nurture the valuable D/s structures in which our relationships are held up by? I believe that it starts by really understanding what has shifted and the consequences of that shift. Formulating a plan to work on the relationship challenges can only exist if we are able to get to the root of the problem. If a couple is continuously fighting about a certain topic, is it really that topic that is the problem? We need to seek the bigger picture to understand what is happening and therefore how we can start to change it.

This is the time for high levels of curiosity. Approaching the relationship with curiosity allows for less tension and blame when the sources of the problems begin to arise. In addition, it is a time for creativity to be implemented into relationships in order to keep the flame burning but more importantly, it is a time to reflect on what has been holding the relationship up. What has kept your relationship strong? Is it the clear cut hierarchy that allows for stability? It is the amount of time spent with your partner that gives you security? When we dig deeper we can find that it is typically the loss of the foundation that is the catalyst for the problems that follow and when we find the source we can usually find our way back.

Once we begin to understand the source of the struggle, it is time to move into the repair and healing phase. Honest, raw, and vulnerable conversations are the key to relationship shifts and fortunately, kinksters are exceptionally good at expressing their needs. Negotiation is fueled by authenticity and I would venture to say that taking those negotiation skills and applying them outside of the D/s dynamic would allow for an environment to be created that could make play even more fun, exciting, and ultimately intimate. When we are so consumed by the turmoil around us, it is easy to lose space, both emotionally and physically, for the relationship.

In challenging times like these, we need to approach our relationships a bit differently. For dyads who do a bi-weekly or monthly check in, perhaps they need to do it once a week. For folks who are away from their partners, implementing new rituals can be a great way to stay connected. Let’s not forget that even in times that are tough, we can use play to minimize anxiety and cultivate closeness. The scenes may be different and they may occur in a different space but the intent remains the same. While the world may be temporarily closed, the room for exploration and growth remains open. Step into that space and reignite the flame because after this terrible time is over, the flame may be burning brighter than it ever was before.

About the Author

Elyssa Rice

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