Don’t miss Morgan Thorne going over how to keep kink alive during the pandemic!
Click below to find out more!
Keeping it Kinky in Quarantine BDSM during the Corona Virus Epidemic
Keeping it Kinky in Quarantine BDSM during the Corona Virus Epidemic
What Are “Hard” and “Soft” Limits?
If you’re new to BDSM, one of the first things you will hear about are limits. You may also see people declare themselves a “no limits slave” or demand a submissive partner without limits. What does that mean and what are limits? What is the difference between hard and soft limits? Why do we even need limits in the first place?
Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into “soft” and “hard” limits. An important point to remember is that Dominants and submissives, tops and bottoms all get to have limits. We all have things we won’t do, part of finding a compatible partner is finding a person who likes similar things and dislikes similar things. A person whose hard limit is your favourite activity probably isn’t a good match.
A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person. It could be an activity that you feel is too dangerous to participate in, except with a person who has demonstrated expertise in that area. It could be something that both intrigues you and horrifies you, that you would only consider doing with someone you trusted deeply.
When people talk about “pushing limits” in BDSM, they are often talking about playing around the edges of these soft limits. It’s something that should only be engaged in after serious talk or negotiation – it’s not up to the top/Dominant to unilaterally decide that it’s time to push limits without the input of their partner. Pushing limits can also result in some messy emotional or psychological stuff. Everyone involved should be aware of the potential consequences and be prepared to deal with the fallout, if and when it happens.
Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun. I’ve met people who have tickling as a hard limit – you or I may not think it’s a big deal, but it is for them and that needs to be respected. You can’t disregard a limit because you don’t think it is important.
Hard limits are considered pretty sacred in kink communities. People who violate hard limits (or soft limits without express permission) are correctly viewed as dangerous players. Not only have they violated consent, but they’ve done the very thing they were told not to do. In most communities, it is enough to get you ostracised.
It is important to recognize that limits aren’t carved in stone. The limits I have now are much different than the limits I had when first starting out in BDSM more than 20 years ago. A few have survived, but not many. In some cases, my understanding of the activity grew, for others, it’s just a matter of changing taste. I’ve added limits in that time too, things I didn’t know were a kink (or that didn’t apply to me then but do now), things that reflect some bad experiences I’ve had in life in general and things I’ve tried in kink that I found I don’t like.
Limits can also be different from one person to the next. You may choose to only engage in sexual play with your romantic partner, but enjoy non-sexual play with others. Sexual activity (as you define it) with people other than your romantic partner would be your hard limit.
You can choose anything at all for your limits. You can have as many limits as you need. Anyone who shames or teases you for your limits or the amount of them should be avoided as a partner – will they really respect your limits during play? As long as you inform your partners of any changes in your limits, you are free to set them wherever it is comfortable for you.
So what is with the “no limits” thing? Often the ones bragging or demanding no limits are new or uninformed about what limits are. I refuse to play with a person who has so little regard for themselves that they wouldn’t set limits on play with a new partner. Often they are fantasists with little to no actual BDSM experience. I often remind these people of my interest in flesh hooks suspension (many experienced kinksters will joke about “chainsaw play”). It usually gets the point across.
There are some people who, after developing a deep sense of trust with a partner, may choose to have “no limits”. This is often less discarding limits as it is finding someone whose limits are similar to yours. This is much different than the people who claim no limits to absolute strangers. If you choose to engage in this style of relationship, knowing your partner well is important.
Determining your limits will take some introspection and reflective thought. In the next article, we will discuss 5 methods that you can use to help sort out what your limits are.
By: Morgan Thorne
Morgan Thorne has been practising BDSM all her adult life. She got an introduction to kink through the Queer community in the early 1990’s and knew she had found ‘her people’.
Morgan has also spent nearly a decade working as a Professional Dominant, which has allowed her to expand her skills as both a Top and a Dominant. Morgan has been offering workshops, lectures and BDSM training for a number of years as well. She has a successful Youtube channel where she educates about D/s relationships, BDSM basics and various kinky skills.
In January 2017, Morgan Thorne released her debut book, “A Guide to Classic Discipline”. This will be followed up in Nov/Dec 2017 with “Medical Aseptic Technique for BDSM Play”. Expect more great books from Morgan Thorne in 2018!
Morgan identifies as both a Sadist and a Dominant. She enjoys playing with a variety of people of all orientations/genders/
Prior to her work as a Professional Dominant, Morgan worked in health care. This has allowed her to gain a more thorough understanding of health and safety concerns in kink. She retired due to an injury that lead to chronic pain and disability. It also drove her interest in medical play, as a way to continue to use the skills she learned in health care and to find comfort in the loss of a much-loved career.
Morgan has been active in various forms of activism, including LGBTQIA rights and sex worker rights. She is a strong advocate for equality and the human rights of all people.
6 Ways to Determine Your Limits in BDSM
In the last article, we spoke about hard limits vs soft limits and what limits are. Today, we will
look at 6 ways to determine your limits in BDSM. These methods can be used to determine both
your hard and soft limits (or limits in general, if you choose not to draw a line between the two).
1) The easiest and most obvious method to determine limits is to think of the things that make
you say NO!!! Things that cause that visceral reaction of revolution or horror.
For some people, that may be playing with bodily waste, clowns, spiders, blood, etc. There are
many things that make us want to hide our eyes or grab the brain bleach. Those things make
good hard limits.
You may not think it’s needed, but trust me, for everything out there that makes most of us recoil
in disgust, there is someone who loves it (speaking as one of those people who love some
pretty strange things).
2) The next most obvious thing is to think of the things that would cause you emotional or
psychological distress. If it’s going to cause you genuine harm, its probably not something you
want to be doing.
3) By the same token, if you have physical limitations, activities that will aggravate those or
cause you harm should also be considered limits. A person with bad knees may make kneeling
a hard limit, as a common example.
If you aren’t sure what qualifies as a kink (answer: pretty much anything you can think of), you
may want to take a look at a BDSM checklist. These are great for determining not only the
things you want to do but also the things you don’t want to do.
4) Think about the things that you would do with a romantic or long-term partner vs a casual
play partner. Would you choose to engage in casual play? Do you want to play with others
outside of a relationship? If so, talking to your partner about the rules regarding that play is
important and will help determine some of your limits.
No sexual play outside of a romantic relationship is a common limit. Keeping certain activities for
one partner is another common approach.
5) If you are having a hard time envisioning what some of these kinks are from just reading
about them, get out and observe some kinky play. I generally suggest people go to a play party
to do this but checking out pictures online works too. I will caution that porn is a mixed bag –
while some of the activities depicted may be regular kinks, they are often done badly or
exaggerated for effect.
I remember watching the first 50 Shades movie, at the end, when Mr. Grey hit Ana with the belt
– I literally called out “that’s not the noise that belt would make!” Hollywood (and porn producers)
will take liberties to ‘enhance’ things for a movie, so keep that in mind.
6) Finally, the only way you will know whether you like some things or not is to try them. I don’t
mean that you should try the stuff you eliminated with #1 or #2 above, but if you aren’t sure
about something, you may need to try it to know. Other things may be super hot in your head
when you fantasize about it but may not feel good at all when you try them in real life. Trying
those things with a trusted partner is often the only way you will know.
I do advise people to try things twice. The first time might be an incompatible or inexperienced
partner. You may be overwhelmed with nerves and not be able to enjoy the experience. For
some activities, like sounding, people find the first time isn’t great, but when they try again,
knowing it won’t hurt and knowing what sensations to expect (it’s a very odd sensation), they
can relax and enjoy it.
So there are six different methods to help determine your limits in BDSM. These aren’t the only
ways, and you may not want to use all of them. The great thing about kink is that you get to
make it into the experience that works for you. If you think one of these things doesn’t apply,
skip it. If you have another method to figure out limits, use it – and share it in the comments! I’m
always interested in hearing other approaches to things.
By:
Morgan Thorne has been practising BDSM all her adult life. She got an introduction to kink through the Queer community in the early 1990’s and knew she had found ‘her people’.
Morgan has also spent nearly a decade working as a Professional Dominant, which has allowed her to expand her skills as both a Top and a Dominant. Morgan has been offering workshops, lectures and BDSM training for a number of years as well. She has a successful Youtube channel where she educates about D/s relationships, BDSM basics and various kinky skills.
In January 2017, Morgan Thorne released her debut book, “A Guide to Classic Discipline”. This will be followed up in Nov/Dec 2017 with “Medical Aseptic Technique for BDSM Play”. Expect more great books from Morgan Thorne in 2018!
Morgan identifies as both a Sadist and a Dominant. She enjoys playing with a variety of people of all orientations/genders/
Prior to her work as a Professional Dominant, Morgan worked in health care. This has allowed her to gain a more thorough understanding of health and safety concerns in kink. She retired due to an injury that lead to chronic pain and disability. It also drove her interest in medical play, as a way to continue to use the skills she learned in health care and to find comfort in the loss of a much-loved career.
Morgan has been active in various forms of activism, including LGBTQIA rights and sex worker rights. She is a strong advocate for equality and the human rights of all people.
5 Typical First Time Mistakes – and How to Avoid Them!
This article is an excerpt from Morgan Thorne’s recently released book, Exploring BDSM – a Workbook for Couples (or More) Discovering Kink.
When you’re brand new to something, you’re bound to make mistakes. It’s one of those things you should be okay with before you start experimenting. You’re going to make mistakes and that’s okay! Learn from them, handle them appropriately and grow. That’s how we become well-rounded people.
That said, it seems silly for countless people to endlessly repeat the same mistakes, over and over again. One of the great things about humans is that we are capable of learning from other people’s mistakes as well as our own. Understanding why and how someone else has stumbled can help you avoid the same pitfalls.
1 – Too Many Things at Once
This is the first of a few similar mistakes that new people often make. In this case, we are talking about trying to fit too many things at once into a play scene. I know, there are all these fun sounding and interesting things that you’ve been introduced to, you want to do all of them right away!
If you try to jam too many different activities into a single play scene you’re going to end up overwhelmed. You will be fumbling, trying to remember all the things you wanted to do and waste valuable time worrying about whether you did them all. This will interrupt the flow of the scene, damage your confidence, and not be much fun for anyone involved.
Avoid this mistake by selecting between 2 and 5 activities that you want to do. 5 is probably too many for many scenes, but it really depends on the scene. If you’re doing an impact scene, selecting 5 different styles of implement seems reasonable. On the other hand, if you decide you want to do electrical play, sounding, an elaborate shibari tie, forced orgasms, and fire cupping…well, you will quickly find yourself in trouble.
The problem with the above scenario is that each of those activities takes a while. There is a lot of set up for an activity like sounding, for instance. Elaborate shibari ties can take half an hour or more to complete. The set up that you need to safely do fire cupping is different than the set up to do the bondage or sounding. You can see how you would end up with a scene that lasts hours but is mostly spent setting up for the next activity.
The other problem is that the scene can become disjointed. Ideally, you want to have activities that work together or flow from one to the next. Shibari and wax play are a traditional combination. Bondage with cuffs, rope, or leather restraints can work with just about any activity or it can be the star of the show. You will learn which activities work best together based on your own personal style (as you develop it) and what you observe others doing.
2 – Overconfidence
Many people walk into the world of BDSM thinking that it all looks easy. I mean, how hard can it be to hit people with a stick or wrap them up in ropes?
The answer is that there is a lot to learn. Yes, some activities are pretty straightforward. Spanking is pretty simple when you think about it, but even then, you would be amazed at how many people mess it up. Warm-ups are important to enjoyable impact play. Without one, enjoyable pain can turn into annoying pain very quickly.
Avoid this mistake by being humble. Many things aren’t as easy as they look. Before you engage in an activity, read up about it. Take a class if you’re able to. Kinksters love attending workshops. Even those of us who have been around a long time still attend various workshops. Even if it’s an activity that I know a lot about, I still learn new tips and tricks by seeing how others do it.
Don’t think that this advice applies just to dominants or tops! Bottoms, submissives and switches should have at least a general knowledge of activities so that they know and understand the risks involved and know how to tell a safe partner from an unsafe one.
3 – No Confidence
You’re new and nervous. It’s not unusual, we were all new once. I don’t think anyone is ever totally confident doing something for the first time, but a bit of nervousness is different than not having any confidence.
If you aren’t confident in what you’re about to do, you will make mistakes. You will be so worried about not being perfect that you will sabotage yourself. You may forget what comes next, you might totally freeze when giving or getting an order.
Avoid this mistake by doing your research. Attend some classes, munches, and play parties. Watch others and see what aspects you like. Learn everything you can about an activity before trying it on a human.
If you’re a top, practice. Pillows are fantastic for practicing your aim for impact play. Most of us learned how to use a flogger by hitting pillows. Same for canes, crops, and just about anything you can think of.
Bottoms can prepare too. If you know you’re going to be doing bondage, you can do things like yoga that will condition your muscles and keep you flexible. You need strength and flexibility to endure some of the beautiful shibari ties that are so popular today. Learn about various types of play so that you can keep yourself safe and so that you know what you need to speak up about in scene (sticking with the bondage example, weakness in a limb).
4 – Not Enough Communication
Talking about our kinks can be hard, especially when you’re new. As time goes on, it gets easier and easier, so do your best to get through those first awkward conversations. In the beginning, people will often skip over important points of pre-scene communications, either because they are nervous talking about it or they don’t realize it should be discussed.
It is bound to happen, you’re in the middle of a scene and something comes up that you haven’t talked about yet. Sometimes it’s okay to just ask mid-scene and other times it can ruin the mood or even cause the end of the scene. Lack of communication is common, so don’t feel bad if (when) it happens to you.
Avoid this mistake by having a conversation about your scene a few days ahead of time. This will give you time to think about things and ask any questions that pop into your mind at 3 am. Some people may even find it’s best to plan multiple conversations before the scene, adding a bit to the negotiation each time. Don’t forget to go over things the day of the scene – I like to have the final check in right before we start – to make sure nothing has changed and you’re still both in the mood for what you discussed.
5 – Sky High Expectations
If you’ve been fantasizing about BDSM for as long as you can remember and you finally get the chance to try it out, you may have some unrealistic expectations. If you go into your first scene expecting that everything will be perfect, you’re going to be disappointed. If you expect that your partner can read your mind, you’re going to be disappointed.
Avoid this mistake by managing your expectations and learning about the reality of BDSM. There are going to be times when things don’t go exactly as planned. Your partner will make mistakes. You will make mistakes. Learn to roll with it, have a laugh if warranted, and keep going.
For instance, I don’t think I’ve ever done a pegging scene where things weren’t totally awkward at one point or another. Getting toys and bodies aligned properly can be a challenge (especially when you’re short and your partner is more than a foot taller!), finding the right size toy for that day and moment can take some time, and having hands covered in lube will almost always end in clumsiness. You learn to laugh it off and keep going. If you take yourself too seriously, you won’t have any fun at all.
Don’t let your fantasy of BDSM cloud the reality of it. I really suggest that people get out to the community and watch others doing scenes – that way you can see first hand that even experienced people can have bloopers from time to time.
To learn more about the most common mistakes BDSM newbies make, be sure to check out my latest book, Exploring BDSM.
Buy online https://www.amazon.com/dp/
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By:
Morgan Thorne has been practising BDSM all her adult life. She got an introduction to kink through the Queer community in the early 1990’s and knew she had found ‘her people’.
Morgan has also spent nearly a decade working as a Professional Dominant, which has allowed her to expand her skills as both a Top and a Dominant. Morgan has been offering workshops, lectures and BDSM training for a number of years as well. She has a successful Youtube channel where she educates about D/s relationships, BDSM basics and various kinky skills.
In January 2017, Morgan Thorne released her debut book, “A Guide to Classic Discipline”. This will be followed up in Nov/Dec 2017 with “Medical Aseptic Technique for BDSM Play”. Expect more great books from Morgan Thorne in 2018!
Morgan identifies as both a Sadist and a Dominant. She enjoys playing with a variety of people of all orientations/genders/
Prior to her work as a Professional Dominant, Morgan worked in health care. This has allowed her to gain a more thorough understanding of health and safety concerns in kink. She retired due to an injury that lead to chronic pain and disability. It also drove her interest in medical play, as a way to continue to use the skills she learned in health care and to find comfort in the loss of a much-loved career.
Morgan has been active in various forms of activism, including LGBTQIA rights and sex worker rights. She is a strong advocate for equality and the human rights of all people.