Ms. Rika

Showing Appreciation in BDSM And Power Exchange Dynamics

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

Gratitude: We recognize and enjoy what our partners do for us. We are humble in our receipt of their efforts. We want to express our appreciation to them in a way that expresses our deepest gratitude. Dominant or submissive, when our partners are gracious with their time and focus, we are compelled to show our gratitude. I am always grateful for the dedication and commitment my subs provide. I am open and honest regarding what their submission means to me as a means of validating their efforts.

But too often, appreciation is shown in a way that is intended to modify behavior. The difference between “Appreciation” and “Reward” is blurred. Appreciation shows gratitude…Reward is manipulation.

I was having an online discussion the other day with a man whose wife had just agreed to lock him up for the month of October (Loctober). He was expressing how thrilled he was that his wife had agreed to put him in chastity and that she had also agreed to tease him throughout the month, so that the impact of his denial would be maximized. As this decision was something he had asked her for, and, though she felt she might enjoy it, did not feel it was something that “served her” directly, he recognized she was providing a gift to him; that she was voluntarily signing up for a sub-centric month that would put responsibility and obligation on her, for the expressed purpose of piquing his libido.

He wanted to show his gratitude and had come up with what he considered a good way to communicate it to her. He decided to do a huge number of tasks, chores, etc. for her during the month and to write down each and every thing he did in a journal. He felt he would then present it to her at the end of the month as a means of saying “Thank you”.

Honestly, I was a little confused. My first instinct was to change the journal from a list of things he did for her to a journal of thanks – for allowing him to do those things for her. Rather than saying, “I filled your car with gas today”, I felt it would be better to say, “Thank you for letting me fill your car with gas today. I enjoyed feeling useful and helping you avoid doing something you dislike”. I felt that this would be better than just listing things she likely already knew that he did, with no real mention of thanks.

But then, I started thinking about the whole idea of this journal – and realized that, intentionally or not, he was anticipating playing the manipulative game so many men who want to be in chastity play: He was going to try to show her the “Benefits” to her of keeping him in chastity – by being especially good while locked up, doing things with no resistance that he COULD do for her without the chastity – but won’t.

Effectively, this journal would be communicating: “Look at all the things I am willing to do for you when you keep me desperate and horny!” The message is loud and clear: “If you want me to do these things without resistance, here’s the way to do it”. It’s a form of manipulation which is, unfortunately, quite common with men who like chastity play.

I was very pleased that he was recognizing that being locked up and teased during October was a treat…something she wanted to give to him, for him. It was good that he recognized her generosity and wanted to show his gratitude. However, the means of showing that gratitude were falling directly into that stereotypical, manipulative trap.

I posed the question to him: “What are you showing your gratitude for?” My assumption was that he wanted to show his gratitude for her spending all that time teasing him and thinking about his situation…keeping his libido piqued, etc. So, I asked him, “Why not say THAT in this journal?” I told him that it would be better for him to thank her for applying so much focus and attention on him and his libido. I challenged him to show that appreciation by directly appreciating what she’s doing without using it to encourage further interaction.

October is just beginning…his “Loctober” is only a week in…there will be plenty of fun times ahead of them. If they keep up the schedule of tease that they anticipate, he will be MIGHTY desperate come Sept 1! I hope she’s aware and ready for the “obligation” of making the release – after such a long ordeal – something worth remembering. We’ll see.

We’ll also see if he rectifies the manipulation within his journal plan. He states that he didn’t intend to manipulate her, but can see how doing what he was intending would do that. But the proof is in the pudding – and if she’s not aware of the potential for manipulation – he may not be able to resist. Only time will tell.

Appreciation is best shown in a selfless manner. You need to find a way to show gratitude without self gain. Make sure you’re not “Rewarding” behavior – rather, that you’re “Appreciating” it. Then your partner will have a clear, unencumbered view of the pleasure their gift brings you – and thus, reap the true benefits – to them – of giving treats.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

What Happened Last Week

October 20, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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This week, I decided to share a true story. I often get asked what life is like for my submissive hubby. I’ve talked about his birthday celebrations in the past…days dedicated to tweaking his fantasies for him. But the following happened last week, which is kind of normal for us, and I thought I’d write it down in prose form for my readers.

NOTE: I run the risk of hokey dialog, but I don’t know any other way of depicting what happened. The exact words might not be these, but they do capture the gist – forgive me if it ends up reading like a letter to Penthouse:

I told him to kneel, and he dropped immediately.

I didn’t find his compliance surprising. It was rather expected; the result of 15 days of edging and denial. He was surely aching, although he never would complain. But when I “accidentally” allowed my hand to brush his crotch, his involuntary gasp and sigh gave him away. I could almost see his knees buckle. I figured I might as well help him out.

I knew he was almost at the point of losing reason. I was stretching his self-control – testing his will to remain obedient. Desperation is a regular state of mind for him, so I knew his resolve would win out. Still, this was the perfect time to tighten the noose, so he was going to need to experience how well I understood the condition I was cultivating in him.

To increase desperation, make the sub talk.

“Tell me what you want”, I looked down at him and he averted my gaze. I put my index finger under his chin and lifted his face so I could stare deeply into his eyes. “Tell me what you want. I want to hear it from you”.

“I’d like to please you. Make you scream.”, he said. “Make you scream” is our “lingo” for oral sex. I knew that he was being “good” and making it about me – and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it.

“Is that all?”

“No Goddess. I’d also like to come…please” he closed his eyes.

“Please? Are you begging me?

“Yes, Goddess. Please”

I laughed a bit and played it up: “Do you call that begging? I don’t think you’re serious enough. Maybe you haven’t gone long enough. Maybe a couple of more weeks?” I knew he was truly desperate and that his brain was clearly unable to fathom reason. What a perfect time to make him panic!

“No please…please. I beg of you. I beg you to please let me come. I can’t take any more of this…I mean, I will if you want me to, but please don’t want me to!”

I turned sideways in front of him and lifted the bottom of my blouse from my pants. I watched as his eyes sunk into my backside, loving the sleek look of my leathers. I swear I saw him tremble.

“Kiss my ass while you beg. Maybe I’ll do what you ask!” – I actually do sometimes give him what he wants, so it wasn’t an empty possibility.

He fell into my body immediately. I felt his hands grab my hips and pull his face close to my ass. Then I felt desperate kisses, creating tiny circles on my ass cheeks, moving around until finally his face buried itself into the crack of my ass, pressing against the material of my pants.

I pushed him back. “Where is your discipline? Slow kisses…gently…around my entire ass”. He was going to have to control himself.

He struggled to calm down. When I let him go, I felt his lips press against the cheeks of my ass, giving soft gentle kisses in concentric circles.

“Don’t get my slacks wet!” Always making sure he stayed focused. Give him something else to think about – in this case, keeping his kisses dry. Leather…focus…More desperation.

“Oh…see? You CAN do it!”. I gave him some time to continue his efforts – testing to see if he’d tire. But he continued to gently kiss. I knew he was struggling to keep his composure – binding his own hands behind his back with his will. Exhibiting the self-discipline he knows I demand in hopes of gaining my favor.

As he continued to kiss, I popped my hip out to the side, giving him a nice “S-Curve” to look at. “Tell me what you want, slave”.

Between his kisses, he sputtered, “Please, please…oh God…please, please let me please you!”. He was regaining his rational mind. Trying to position his need in terms that would be about me, rather than his selfish needs. I decided to test that a bit more.

“Rub yourself”, I softly demanded. I heard him moan and shift and play with himself, careful not to break the rhythm of his kisses. “You want to make me come? I might let you do that for me. Would that make you happy?”

“Yes…yes. Please, Goddess. Please”.

I stepped away and slowly turned to face him.

“Look at you! On your knees, playing with yourself like a schoolboy! Don’t forget to play with your balls too…pull them down. Oh, You poor desperate thing. You ARE desperate, aren’t you?”

He was going to have to admit it out loud. His own words are so much more powerful for driving him into his subspace than any others.

“God yes! Please. I beg you! I’m desperate!” His rubbing increased tempo.

“And who made you desperate?”, I prompted his demise.

“You…you made me desperate”

“Me? You allow me to control you like that? Why?”

“Because it pleases you and I’m your slave.”

I chuckled. Then came that perfect moment.

“Please Goddess, may I please stop masturbating – I will come if I continue”

Music to my ears! As instructed, as trained: The “Please Stop Me From Orgasming” rule is always in effect. Even though he so badly wants to come, he exhibited perfect self-control. Rather than begging me to come, he is instructed to beg me NOT to let him…even at his own hand. Total control because it’s all in his mind.

“Yes, slave. You may stop”, I calmly responded.

He let go of himself and slumped forward, catching himself with his hand against the ground. “Thank you, Goddess”

I walked closer to him and straddled his head, squeezing it gently between my legs. “You’re welcome, my pet!” I heard him inhale. I let him stay there for a moment, knowing that the smell of my leather slacks would further drive his journey down. I stepped back.

“Kneel up – hands behind your head”

He assumed the position immediately, breathing heavily. A strand of precome stretched between the tip of his penis and the small puddle on the floor. He was clearly ripe and ready. Poor baby.

I walked over to the couch and motioned for him to crawl to me. I had him take my pants and underwear down while I played with his hair. I let him kiss my belly and slowly work his way down to my pubic bone.

I put my hand on his forehead and pushed it backwards so he was looking up to me. Our eyes locked. “What do you want?” I asked again.

“Oh God, please let me eat you!”, he was delirious, deliciously desperate and perfectly hard.

I sat back on the couch and let him get close to me. I put my legs over his shoulders and shifted upwards towards him.

“Take your time. Serve me well” I instructed.

He was talented at oral sex when I first met him, and has been a very attentive student through the years – a great combination. His only wish is to get as close to perfect for me as he can. I’m more than willing to help him, although I openly admit, there are times when he does things I can’t explain – but want again!

He gave me two orgasms: The first a slow, long, drawn out, warm-me-all-over come; the second far sharper and more sudden. It was all I could do to let him maintain connection when the second one crested.

I looked down at him. He was so content and yet, so wanting. His erection had not faded throughout. I wanted that inside of me.

“Put it in”, I directed. He quickly slid into me. I was so open and ready. He slumped down against my chest, kissing and nuzzling my neck as he thrust against me. We were hitting a rhythm and I could feel his desire. I love that animal drive.

He was getting close, I could feel him swelling inside of me. Then, dutifully, he offered his ultimate submission, yet again: “Please let me stop”, he groaned out.

I considered the moment while he hung on the edge – awaiting permission to not come; I just LOVE that irony. I let him stew for a moment, well-aware that I was playing with fire. I could feel him slow down, just a bit, holding himself just short of going too far, but not wanting to stop without permission. So dutiful a servant, even under such desperate conditions.

“OK…you can stop”, I “relented”.

I could feel him collapse inside. I watched as he delicately and carefully stopped all motion, allowed himself a moment to recompose, and then slowly and carefully, pull himself out.

“And?” I inquired.

“Thank you, Goddess”, he mustered, trying to sound as sincere as possible. I’m sure the word “Bitch” was on his tongue tip at that moment – so I gave him some leeway despite him seeming a bit insincere.

“You’re welcome, puppy!” I rubbed his hair as he slipped down to a low kneel. “You can finish me now”, I leaned back and pulled his head once again to my pussy. He ate me deep and hard, his desperation driving him beyond. “Oh…you serve me SO well, slave”, I gave him encouragement and recognition. He just moaned and delivered. It was heaven.

The final orgasm was another long and warm, full-body toe-curler. By the time we were done, I could tell that he was getting back into full sub-mode; no longer disappointed that he didn’t orgasm, but rather loving the fact that the steady ache in his groin was making his head so much more subby.

It was time to give him a treat – something that he loves that will help him firmly establish his sub space…just for him. For my sub, the best gifts have to do with my feet. I stood up next to him, stepped into a puddle of his precome so that it squished into my toes, and lifted them to his mouth so he could clean them. I repeated the process until all the puddles were just wet-spots. He dove into this task with enthusiasm and gratitude.

When he was done, I stood him up and gave him a big kiss. Then I told him that I was going to take a shower and that he should put on some shorts, run my water, and turn the towel-heater on. Then he could go make dinner.

He thanked me (quite sincerely) and went off to the bathroom.

As I readied myself for my shower, I considered how lucky I am to have such a diligent and devoted submissive. I know he feels lucky too. For him, there’s no telling how many days of this type of close-call T&D I will put him through. Sometimes I let him come right away – other times, this type of “scene” could last weeks. He never knows. Sometimes, I don’t even know until the moment comes.

Last week, he “suffered” for three more days of edging (a total of 18 days), before I finally allowed him to orgasm onto my feet (and eat it up). Then I gave him 10 minutes to recover and then it was a night of massage and service – right back “on the horse” – no slacking off, just because the desperation is gone.

This is our life together. We both couldn’t be happier. I’m glad to share a little episode!

Why Humiliation Is Exciting To Many

September 29, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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I’ve participated in a lot of discussions regarding the use of humiliation and degradation within power dynamics. Many consider the fact that many submissives enjoy being humiliated or degraded as being a paradox. I don’t see it as a paradox, I see it as a very rational, and expected, reaction. Here’s why:

I tend to think most people who enjoy humiliation, don’t enjoy humiliation itself, but LOVE being humiliated. In other words, it’s the fact that someone else is deliberately humiliating them that gets the chemicals flowing.

I’ve talked about it before – I believe that there is a process of rationalization whenever we willingly and voluntarily accept something from a partner that isn’t what we normally would desire. We must justify, to ourselves, why would allow this to happen to us. This is true when a sub is punished, or “tortured” (non-abusive), or required to do chores, follow protocols, or any number of other things. The fact that power dynamics are consensual, leaves out abusive / truly-forced reasons – leaving only the rationale that the dominant has the authority to inflict this upon the submissive – and, upon accepting that authority, leaving the submissive feeling “helpless” to resist.

So, voluntarily accepting something from a dominant that we normally would not accept, triggers a feeling of being under the dominant’s control and authority. That’s something subs want. That’s something that makes their submission feel more real. Subs don’t have to enjoy the activity – but they absolutely enjoy feeling the dominant’s authority.

This is behind my assertion that punishments always reward submissives…even if the punishment is something that they hate…and that people who think that you need to make the punishment severe enough for the sub to change their behavior to avoid it, are fooling themselves. The more the submissive dislikes the activity they feel compelled to allow, the more “real” the authority feels and the more titillating the experience. See my previous article entitled, “Punishment Is Always a Reward” in Kinkweekly, for a more in-depth discussion regarding punishments.

Humiliation is something most of us would try to avoid. It’s not a pleasant experience. But if a sub allows a dominant to humiliate them, they stimulate the feeling of submissiveness and powerlessness under the authority of the dominant. It promotes the dominant to a more powerful position in their mind, which is arousing and enjoyable.

There is a Yin to that Yang: Dominants are afforded the opposite end of that rationalization: They know that the submissive would normally avoid humiliating situations. However, they are not only allowing themselves to be humiliated, they’re do voluntarily within the context of their power dynamic. The rationalization that the dominant must have the authority to levy the punishment, supports the dominant’s feeling of control and power. Humiliation becomes a playful experience. How much can a dominant push a submissive? How far does that rationalized-authority extend?

In this light, it’s obvious why humiliation is desirable – and what the submissive and dominant may gain from it. It’s not a paradox at all. It makes complete sense!

Punishment Is Always A Reward

September 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time play in the form of punishments).

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin and makes them feel so good about being a submissive?

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority. This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage / suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive.

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen.

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them.

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them!

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why? Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel more helpless; more “owned”.

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized.

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance.

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact, is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration!

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox, as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up, they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me.

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change.

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve.

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and discuss it openly with your dominant.

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within your D/s dynamics. Happy power!

Benefits To The Dominant

September 16, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

A man approached me, asking for help convincing his wife to take him on as her submissive. As they often do, he explained how she is very demanding naturally: Always wanting to be in control of the household, always “mothering” him and always telling him what he can and can’t do, etc. He said she’d be the “perfect dominant”.

He explained that they had discussed his interest in submitting to her a few times – and that they had even tried evenings and weekends, where he was her slave. They both enjoyed themselves during these sessions, but their dynamic reverted immediately after the session was over and she never seemed to initiate it on her own, afterwards.

He had tried to broach the subject, but she eluded (his word) his efforts. He tried “Stealth Submission” (submitting to her without her knowing, in hopes that she would like the service and start to demand it), but she never caught on that anything was happening.

To convince her to let him serve her, he had created a rationale list: 20 reasons why accepting him as her submissive would benefit her. Things on the list included: “Never having him disagree with her”, “Never pestering her for sexual activity and leaving initiation to her alone”, “Getting all the housework done to her satisfaction”, “Staying by her side at all times so that he’s always available”, “Staying in chastity to assure all attention stays on her”, “worshiping her”, “waking her up to oral sex every morning”, etc.

Reading through the list, it was obvious that he had absolutely no idea what his wife really wanted from him. I asked him if she had suggested ANY of the things on the list, to which he replied, “No…but it’s in her nature”. I reasoned with him that, given his natural submissive tendency, if his wife wanted him to be her slave in the manner he was presenting, after 10 years of marriage, didn’t he think he’d already be on his knees? I mean, if she really wanted him in chastity, giving her oral sex every morning, wouldn’t he already be doing it? He sat, a little at a loss for words.

Then, he presented the next most frequent argument: That he would be love to give her all the things she wants, if she would just take control of him. I asked, “So, what you’re saying is that the only way your wife can get what she really wants from you, is to make it fun for you? You would not be interested in actually serving her unless she first serves your fantasies?” That got a quiet stare.

I explained that “benefits” are in the eye of the beneficiary. If she doesn’t see something as a benefit, then it isn’t one. Period. I asked him if the things he was offering up as benefits were really things that he honestly felt SHE would consider a benefit. He admitted that he didn’t really know for sure.

The only way for a submissive to know what a given dominant feels are the true benefits of having them as a submissive, is for her to communicate them to him. If she offers up that definition of submission, then it behooves him to listen! If she doesn’t offer it up, then it’s up to him to ask. I tried to help him with techniques to get her to formulate a definition of submission to her (the Egyptian Pharaoh Exercise, for those of you who have read my writings).

He asked me what I felt the chances were that she would find doing things like “putting him in chastity and making him do housework naked except a collar” would be submission for her. I told him that I didn’t know her at all – and that he had a much better shot at answering that question than I did (and I assume he already knows the answer, BTW). I suspected the answer would be “very low”, but I also said that I wouldn’t rule anything out – and that it was possible. Then I pointed out that the upside of getting her to define what submission means to her, is that, if in fact she DOES enjoy those things, he’s going to end up doing them, anyway. I repointed him to the Task List Exercise, as a great way to help categorize and structure ideas for submission. He agreed to try it out.

What I find so interesting is how many people fall into the same trap of assumption and stereotype. I believe they want their partner to want what the stereotype tells them is desirable, and are afraid to explore their unique partner’s reality. They think it’s easier to get their partner to change than to change themselves, which is a fallacy, since change is a function of motivation – and who has the strongest motivation to make a D/s dynamic work?

The infamous Rolling Stones lyric, “You can’t always get what you want…but you find sometimes, you get what you need” is in full-force here. Long-lasting happiness comes from getting what you need, not from getting exactly what you want. In the case of submission, long-lasting submission comes from finding what you need through giving your dominant what they want. Find out what truly benefits your unique dominant – and deliver that to the best of your ability!

The Risk Of Violating Underlying Relationship Requirements

September 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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This week, I’d like to address a question posed to me by a submissive. He was asking if I thought that cuckoldry had to be accepted by a submissive, if his dominant desired it. Most of us reading this know the answer is “No” – but the reason behind that “no” might have a different source for me than it does for others.

Other dominants he spoke to (and some submissives) discussed “Limits” and “Negotiation” and used those terms to provide a rationale for not having to allow oneself to be cuckolded. The idea was, if he didn’t consent to cuckoldry, the dominant had no right to do so.

I’m not going to argue that point at this time…suffice it to say that, for scene-based dynamics with people who may not know each other very well, limits and negotiations are critical practices and need to be respected. For long-termed, committed relationships on which power dynamics are layered, there are more natural protections between partners, because caring for each other’s wellbeing (both physically and mentally), a desire to protect each other, and mutual respect for each other and their needs will come into play before abuse sets in. So for me, in my relationships – and for this particular sub, who was married for 25 years before establishing a power dynamic, the latter was more appropriate and limits have less practical value.

For me, the reason my answer to his question was “no”, was more about cuckolding itself. Cuckoldry is a practice that violates the basic requirements of the type of relationship that mandates fidelity. In other words, cuckolding violates a core requirement of the underlying relationship of their marriage and really has little to do with dominance / submission.

Whether or not someone can handle their partner with another will depend on their tolerance for infidelity / openness within their relationship, not their level of obedience. Some people will be able to tolerate an open relationship, others will not. Some relationship types have “fidelity” as a requirement – others do not. For example, it would be hard to cuckold a client — or even a friend with no exclusivity — but unless the agreement is an open relationship, a marriage would form the foundation for cuckolding.

What I’m saying is that, for some relationship types, fidelity falls in the same category as other underling relationship attributes, such as: Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual fulfillment of need, open communications, etc. Relationships require these attributes to be healthy, with or without a power dynamic. In some relationships, exclusivity may be considered to be a requirement.

Yes, you could deprive a submissive any of these things as part of your power dynamic. But violate these enough, and the relationship itself may fail as a result of it. It’s not a factor of “how good a submissive they are” or “how obedient they are”, it’s a factor of their NEED when in a relationship and whether they can tolerate maintaining a relationship without these things (with or without a power dynamic). That’s going to be an individual measure and a measure independent of the power dynamic.

In the case of forcing a sub to accept cuckolding, the outcome will be determined by the sub’s tolerance for cuckolding. It won’t be about whether he’s a dedicated submissive. He might try to accept it and make the dominant happy – with the intent of serving her – but ultimately, he will face his capacity for accepting this from the perspective of the underlying relationship. Not the power dynamic. Another way to view this, if a partner doesn’t have an issue with their spouse being with other people, it’s awfully hard to cuckold them! Cuckold, in many ways, implies a lack of consent / knowledge.

For dominants, you need to be aware of the potential risks of violating underlying relationship requirements. When using a power dynamic to stress these underlying requirements – you need to understand that the sub’s outward reaction isn’t always what’s really going on. Sometimes, a sub’s desire to be misused or maltreated will motivate them to accept a violation of their underlying requirements, even though it wounds them. Their desire to be “out of control” may encourage them to hide that wound – or accept it as a consequence of their submission. That can work for a while, but over time, this wound can deepen and eventually undermine the entire relationship – and by the time you see it, it may be too late to recover. There is a threshold that is created and when you cross that threshold, the titillation of playfully-abusive practice is recognized as actual abuse. At that point, the relationship is in jeopardy.

To avoid this, the dominant needs to be aware when they’re playing with relationship requirements – and that the potential for wounding their submissive is strong. We need to be extra vigilant and observant – and give the submissive repeated opportunity to “check in” and speak freely. We need to anticipate and seek out negative consequences. We must consider to choose to avoid those practices for the good of the relationship.

You don’t know your limits until you exceed them – the trick is to do so in a safe way that allows you to come back across the line intact. Having a power dynamic is no excuse to abuse underlying relationship requirements. Keep them in mind, respect them, and be open about them.

What Makes A Great Submissive?

August 26, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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A couple of days ago, I participated in a forum discussion on FetLife regarding attributes that dominants look for in their submissives. There was a lot of talk about appearance, obedience, strength, etc.

As I often do, when I structured my answer, I did so in two parts: Attributes of a partner in a relationship (any relationship) and additionally, the attributes of a submissive. After all, a D/s Relationship has both the power dynamic and underlying relationship in play, simultaneously.

In terms of relationship partners, I look for reliability, trustworthiness, good communication skills, a good sense of humor (the ability to make me laugh), intelligence, empathy, and loyalty (is that so much to ask? ). They also need to be respectful, honest, and caring. I look for these things from my spouse, my friends, my family, and even from my business associates. Even acquaintances need to have these attributes, in some level, to last.

Submissives are relationship partners, so they require all the above. In addition, there are some critical attributes that I feel will help them to be top-notch submissives: First, they must want to be the best submissive they can be. An inner need to strive to improve, and continually improve. They also must be able to divorce themselves of any preconceived notion of what submission is, and adapt to deliver it the way I define it. They must internalize feedback quickly and continue to adapt their submission accordingly.

In terms of characteristics that make a great submissive, I’d have to say CONFIDENCE, HUMILITY, and FLEXIBILITY: A great combination!

They must be confident enough to trust that they can do things without assistance and confident enough to take correction to heart and make changes. They must be confident in their desire to submit; in whatever way is required of them. Confident enough in themself to not be needy and to be able to function independently without constant assurance, attention, and monitoring.

As far as humility, they must be humble enough to realize that their submission is not all about themself and yet, to accept praise without getting cocky or know-it-all. They must be humble enough to consider themself a student, continually striving to learn and improve.

Lastly, they must remain flexible to adapt. Good submissives are good listeners and act on what they learn. They don’t get stuck in “the way they’ve always done it” and, in fact, are usually looking for better ways to achieve the tasks assigned to them. They need to seek to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations and allow themselves the freedom to adjust to fulfill them. They believe they can always do better and seek out constructive recommendations for improvement.

There’s great value in a good submissive. They make your life easier; simpler. A good submissive is easy; you just find yourself being able to use them and rely on them. Good ones are a pleasure to have around and generate positive energy.

If you find yourself having to work harder to maintain a submissive or find yourself having to play games in order to get them to do what they committed to do when they submitted to you, they are likely missing some of the characteristics I’ve listed above. Figure out what those are quickly – and inform the submissive to make the changes needed. If they don’t, or aren’t willing to – then “cut bait” as quickly as possible and get out. It will only be a matter of time before the frustration wears you down.

If, however, you find yourself a great submissive – they’re worth their weight in gold! Use them, mold them, and custom fit them to you. They will appreciate it and your life will be lifted by having them around!

Is Gender Identification Working Against Eliminating Gender Bias?

August 19, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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This week, I’m going to step outside of power dynamics, just a bit, and muse on an observation that I’ve been mulling over quite a bit. I will warn you that this is a difficult subject, it will likely be a controversial position, and it may trigger some knee-jerk reactions in folks. I ask that you read this with an understanding that I am not passing judgement on anyone who chooses to self-identify their gender. Everyone has the right to be happy in their bodies, and to feel natural in who they are. Please understand, I’m in favor of it…but I do see an issue that I’d like to discuss and would love to get your feedback on. It’s important to also state that I’m discussing gender identification, not sexual orientation.

In my perfect world, gender stereotypes would be eliminated. The notion that “this is what a female does” and “this is what a male does”, or “this is what a female is capable of” and “this is what a male is capable of” would be moot – because everyone could do anything, feel any way, and act however they do. “This is what I do and what I’m capable of, regardless of my sex” makes the most sense to me. This is, to me, the ultimate goal. Your goal may not be the same, I recognize that – but I think this would make a much better world for everyone.

The move towards self-identification makes sense: People have the right to feel comfortable being the person they perceive themselves to be. People are encouraged to step out of the “confines” of their physical self and live and be seen from their minds. I know that’s the best way to live.

However, it strikes me that the very concept of self-gender-identification brings us FURTHER from my ultimate-goal of bias elimination. My goal is to think about people as people – and to value them as people. Yes, they will be male and female (sex), but the notion that there are “feminine” and “masculine” abilities, actions, capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses creates biases and encourages presumption based on gender. I want to eliminate those stereotypes. What I find is that, in many ways, self-identifying as male or female gender – or even identifying as genderless – relies on, and supports, the very prejudices, stereotypes, and biases that would need to elimination to reach my goal!

Consider, if someone says that their biological sex is male, but they identify as a woman, they are stating that they have an image – a definition – of what “a woman” is: How the female gender acts, feels, behaves, thinks, etc. They are stating that they perceive themselves in this imagery. Rather than just saying, “I’m male (sex) and I act, feel, behave, and think like ‘X’, ‘Y’, ‘Z’”, and expect to acceptance that way, they assign ‘X’, ‘Y’, and ‘Z’ to the female gender. They LABEL and DEFINE the gender with their imagery (bias) of that gender!

To me, this is working backwards. Even stating that you have no gender, implies that you know what genders “look like” – and you don’t fit that definition. You must define something to exclude yourself from it.

Look, I recognize that the world sees gender and has biases. I’m not naïve enough to think that we’re anywhere close to eliminating the notions of gender stereotyping – and I can see the value in being able to self-identify as a gender – if for nothing less than highlighting that the traits associated with gender are not associated with sexuality. The world needs a slap in the face – I get that. However, I fear that the longer we define “female” and “male” gender traits, behavior, and capabilities – the longer we promote the imagery associated with genders – the stronger the bias becomes – and the harder it will be to eliminate.

What I’d like to see is a world where people stop making assumption about gender ability, capability, attitude, approach, behavior, dress, etc. and treat each person as an individual with equal opportunity to develop their potential in all areas. I want people to be comfortable and natural in their skin – to dress the way they feel most comfortable – to act the way that’s most natural for them – and be measured on their actions rather than their gender. I want to remove the implications of labels – and I feel the best way to do that, is to stop using the labels entirely.

I welcome your opinion.

Indicators Of Inexperience

August 1, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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In the relationships that I’ve developed over the years, either in my own dynamics or helping others with theirs, I’ve come across a lot of folks with a wide variety of backgrounds, experiences, and approaches. The only thing they all have in common, is an interest in engaging in power dynamics of various sorts.

When you’re dealing with a substantial number of people, you begin to see certain tendencies, habits, and beliefs that transcend backgrounds. These are things I identify as “trends”. One of those trends is how folks fill-in for the lack of standardization of terms and definitions surrounding power dynamics. They invent their own definitions…and it has impact on relationships.

I’ve written before on how – as a consequence of not having mutually understood standards for the practices of BDSM and D/s – terminology, identity, and even basic definitions are left up to the individual’s interpretation. Consequently, everyone has their own meaning for what a dominant is, what dominance is, what submission entails, etc. In fact, there are entire groups of people formed by a few folks, choosing a single definition and protocol to be put into play, and giving themselves a label and rules to follow to “belong”.

From the perspective of communications, particularly with new potential partners, this lack of structure and definition can wreak havoc. Assumptions as to what a partner means by a term, no matter how common, can lead to gross misunderstandings and unfulfilled expectations.

To compound this communication challenge, the lack of standards allows individuals to mask their experience and knowledge levels. People without any real-life experience serving or being served, can talk about power dynamics, based only on their exposure to videos, written porn, or virtual realities like Second Life. The number of “Cyber-Only” players, espousing their knowledge as if it’s gospel, is frightening. Even Fetlife.com, which is a terrific resource for discussion and knowledge sharing, is littered with inexperience masquerading as mentorship.

It helps to be able to quickly identify inexperience. Luckily, there are a few “tells” that immediately inform you that the person to whom you’re speaking is pretending.

The “Do Anything” Mentality

First off is perhaps the most obvious. The sub who claims they will “Do Anything” for you, Mr/Ms Dominant! Only inexperience will make this claim. People with experience will talk to you about those experiences, and will discuss what they liked / disliked about them. They will make suggestions based on what other dominants have liked in the past and inquire as to whether the suggestion has merit for you. The “Do Anything” submissive seems incapable of speaking about their own desires – until the dynamic no longer matches them – and then they are ready to complain about the quality of domination. When you ask a sub for a suggestion or an opinion and they answer with “You’re the dominant, you can do anything you want” – it’s inexperience talking.

The “All the Time” Commitment

Next up is the person – dominant or submissive – who believes that they will be able to maintain a protocol always and forever. They lay out how they will act, how they will respond, how they will live – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

It’s just not possible. Life gets in the way. Reality happens.

In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, I introduced Sean and Dave, a couple who took the time to write down every single action they could imagine happening and what would happen next. They set protocols for every conceivable situation. “The Book” served them for about half a year, then modifications started overwhelming them. After a while, “The Book” fell into disuse, as they could no longer keep it up to date with all the changes they were experiencing. Eventually, they wrote a new “book”, which was only a couple of pages long that talked about their INTENT of service rather than specifics. That became their bible. Armed with experience, they were far more practical and realistic about their expectations.

The “I am nothing but a dominant / submissive” Claim

This is the person who thinks that dominants and submissives are defined entirely by their role. They are not a partner in a relationship who is the dominant…they are not a school teacher or a bus driver or an executive – who also is the dominant in their home life. They are “A Dominant” or “A Submissive”, as if that fully defines them.

The inexperienced person idealizes the roles. They focus on the roles first and the person later. In the fantasy, they see the person as being dominant or submissive every moment of every day. They are super heroes, impervious to the mundane life the rest of us share.

Experienced people understand that their dominant or submissive is a person – who is also dominant/submissive. They look for relationships with people first, and focus on the bigger picture – assuming they want more than a session-based relationship. Their experience tells them that what lasts in a relationship, are the sum of ALL of your dynamics and connections.

The “Label-Dropper”

People will come up to you and start talking in labels, without describing what they mean. “I’m a submissive”, they’ll say. “Really? What kind of submissive? Do you mean ‘bottom’? Oh wait, ‘bottom’…does that mean you like to be whipped? Oh…tied up and tickled? Wait, master…slave? Property or servant?”

The label dropper is likely inexperienced… At a minimum, they’ve never experienced anyone outside of their definition-circle and therefore don’t realize that other folks could have a different definition for a label than they do. They blindly believe that their limited contact is all there is to know.

More likely, they are truly inexperienced, and are simply assuming that the definition for the term that they read is widely accepted and that they are safe to repeat it, without really knowing a broader meaning.

The “All Dominants/Submissives Do ‘X’” Instructor

This is the person who “educates” others on what “ALL” dominants/submissives do. They are the person who tries to pressure their partner into doing the things they enjoy, because “that’s what all dominants/submissives do!”

This is a BIG indicator of inexperience. Though experienced people might make assumption about what their partner wants – based on their experience with others – their answer, if called-out on it, is, “This is what others I’ve been with enjoyed and I assumed you might like it too”. Its not, “This is what all dominants want”! The experienced response acknowledges that their frame of reference is limited by their experience and that their new partner might not be the same as the old. They know that different people like different things and it’s best to learn about your unique partner and avoid assumption.

The “All Do ‘X’” instructors are often well-versed in videos and written porn – they’ve learned by watching media. Media has a remarkably homogenous storyline – and it truly appears as though ‘all dominants/submissives do ‘X’. The ‘instructors’ have read what others are saying about what it means to be a dominant or submissive and are regurgitating it verbatim, as their knowledge. They want the lifestyle they’ve seen, and try to find partners who feel the same way – often being disappointed when they find that all dominant/submissives DON’T like ‘X’!

Wrapping Up

There’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced. Everyone was inexperienced at some point in their lives. When I meet someone who demonstrates their inexperience, possibly in one of the means I listed above, I attempt to help to educate them. They are often trying to appear more experienced than they are – and in their attempt to appear experienced, they are revealing their inexperience. I want them to accept their inexperience and work to gain real experience – just as the rest of us did – and continue to do (because learning never stops). ‘Fake it until you make it’ can have some serious implications when the cost of the façade is someone else’s happiness, emotions, sense of self-worth, or worse, safety. It is far better to admit one’s inexperience and work with a partner to gain it mutually.

There are no experts. No one who knows everything. For certain, I don’t know everything. Experienced people know that learning continues, forever. Remain a student forever.

As always, ‘define before you opine’ – recognize that there are no standards, and if you want to have meaningful communication with someone, you’re better off sharing your definitions first and avoiding labels. Look out for inexperience masquerading as mentorship. Help those who show their inexperience by trying to appear more experienced. It’s OK to be inexperienced.

Remove the Power Dynamic and Re-Ask the Question

July 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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Earlier this week, I received a question from a woman who was wondering how to approach her dominant partner regarding the time he was spending with an ex-submissive. She was expressing anger that he was not spending that time with her, and that she was conflicted about talking to him about it, because he was her dominant.

The day before that, I read a question in a FetLife discussion group regarding how to find compatible partners for a D/s relationship.

The day before that, a woman was complaining that her dominant husband / ‘daddy’ wasn’t paying her enough attention and was triggering a ‘fear of abandonment’ issue for her. According to her, it was ‘his job’ to take care of her…and he wasn’t.

These three problems share a common thread: They all highlight power dynamics in the relationship, and yet, all have absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics!

In follow-up discussions with each of these people, I was able to ascertain the root of the real issues…and in all three cases, the core values of the relationship were in question – not the power dynamics. In the first case, the woman felt he was spending time with his ex that she felt he should prefer he spend with her. In the discussion, I asked if she would feel the same way if it was a beer-buddy that he was seeing, rather than an ex – and eventually she admitted it wasn’t the time so much as the person. She was feeling insecure and threatened by an ex-partner of her partner. Who hasn’t felt that?

The gentleman in the second problem was receiving advice from lots of folks online: Get out there, go to munches, meet the person first then find kink compatibility, etc. It read like a lot of standard, vanilla dating advice…because it was…because ultimately, he was looking for a partner…we’ve all done that.

The third woman was dealing with an abandonment issue that she had already spent a lifetime in therapy working through. She knew the tools she needed to put in place to help herself, but was avoiding the effort and placing it on her dominant. But the real problem was the same as it always was and the resolution rested with her, as it always had.

I don’t know whether it’s a need for self-importance or just a correlation vs. consequence conflation, but I often see people who are in relationships with power dynamics giving WAY too much importance to the power dynamic and denying the fact that they are in a good-old relationship. I often hear how much “stronger” a relationship is, because it has a power dynamic. Or, how much better the people are at communicating because they have a power dynamic that requires communication.

I believe this is a correlation and not a consequence and I challenge it: Power dynamics are just one of MANY mutual dynamics / passions a couple can share – any of which will strengthen a relationship and many of which will exercise communications. In fact, any activity or dynamic in which you engage, that exercises communications, will TEST those communication skills – and your relationship will hang in the balance. Having a power dynamic doesn’t improve your communication skills – good communication skills improve your power dynamic. You can observe good communications in relationships that last, and that includes power relationships that last. But it’s not the existence of the power dynamic that creates the good communications…it’s the other way around.

When folks approach me with questions / issues regarding their power relationships, most of the time the problem really has nothing to do with the power dynamic. Most of the challenges we face are plain old relationship conflicts that need plain-old relationship solutions. What I have also found is that most of the people who approach me already know the answer to the problem, but are failing to see it, believing it must be different because they have a power dynamic! In some cases, they are HOPING it will be different because they have a power dynamic!

What I mean by that last statement is that many times the resolutions to relationship issues are difficult, and it would be awesome if having a power dynamic would make them simpler to resolve. There is an aspect of ‘giving up control’ that makes one’s life easier…and it is nice to think that giving up control will make relationship issue resolution easier too. Unfortunately, the layers don’t really mix that way. Relationship issues hit at a very base-level of NEED in people…and power dynamics aren’t impacting that level in that way. You must deal with relationship issues as equal partners in a relationship. There are no shortcuts.

I have found that resolution to most of these issues comes directly from the people themselves, once I force them to restate the question removing the power dynamic. When they voice their concern without consideration for their position in the power dynamic – and just look at it objectively within their knowledge of vanilla relationships, they suddenly can see the answer.

Sometimes, this is all that’s needed. Sometimes, they don’t like the answer they see, when they are forced to realize that power dynamics can’t be used as a crutch, an excuse for lazy behavior, or a reason to pass the burden of resolution onto their partner due to their role in the power dynamic. Issues with power dynamics need to be addressed without the D/s dynamic.

Next time you’re faced with a problem, try restating the issue without consideration for your power dynamic. What would a vanilla person do? If the answer to that question is clear to you, like it or not, it is probably the appropriate answer to your problem as well!

Ms. Rika

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