Ms. Rika

Why I Find Feminization Fantasies Insulting

January 10, 2021 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

A very popular fantasy among submissive men, is the desire to be “forced” to be dressed like a woman. Whenever I’ve heard this fantasy, I’ve challenged it: Why do men feel that dressing like a woman is humiliating or degrading? They say they worship women, but then feel that being more like one is an embarrassment.

I’ve heard lots of reasoning based on what it’s like to grow up being a man – and the stresses of retaining and demonstrating masculinity. That only a very powerful force would make a man go against that masculinity – and therefore, is exciting to the man if he is made to be that way.

My attitude has always been, live and let live – if someone gets turned on by it, then fine…let them. It’s just not for me – and my submissives will not be engaging in it. Your kink is not my kink…and move on. I still do feel that way, but I’ve always disliked the fantasy and found it denigrating…but I never really could put my finger on exactly why it bothered me.

Then, this morning, I was reading a post on FetLife from a friend of mine, @Miss_Malloree, who said:

Am I the only one who’s noticed that there are very few men who fantasize about being the woman who breaks through the glass ceiling at a major corporation, or who owns and successfully manages a professional sports franchise, or who is elected president? As others have commented, they all seem to envision themselves as being at the bottom of the food chain, rather than the top.

And I said, “Holy Crap!”

This is it…this is at the crux of why the fantasy is so distasteful to me. Maybe you’ve always seen this, but for me, this was a revelation.

The fantasy most submissive men have regarding cross dressing, is to become the “Sissy”, the “Slut”, the “Maid”, the “Prostitute”, the “Geisha”. They’re not just pretending to be any woman, they’re pretending to be a particular type of woman – one who is not high-achieving, or well thought of in society. They are highlighting the (as Malloree says) bottom of the food chain.

What that says to me is that, this is what these men really feel women are. Oh, I’m sure they’ll argue that they recognize that women are successful and capable, smart and intelligent – but in reality – when push comes to shove – women are maids, sluts, and sex-objects. Malloree suggested female corporate executives and business people, but the fantasy falls short of even middle tier jobs: Teachers, Scientists, Fire or Police professionals. No…they are going to be dressed up, overly made up, loose…forced to “suck cock”. That’s the imagery they have – and they want – consciously, or sub-consciously.

Worse still, the presumption is that a dominant woman, given all the power that she has, will want to convert him into that type of woman…as a means to embarrass him!

I can hear the argument: That the lower level role is part of the humiliation. Sorry – I’m not buying it. Why the focus on gender? Why not just be turned into a lower-class man? Forced to be a gigolo, or a bum? No…this is LINKED to a gender swap. This is about weakness and vulnerability as a function of being a woman. Being a man in this position is not low enough. They are implying that a lower-class woman is lower on the food chain than a lower-class man. The lowest of the low.

I have come to realize that the fantasy highlights what these men really feel about women. I’ve always known the fantasy was insulting – but never quite understood why I felt that way. Now, I have clarity. I wanted to share this with you and would love your thoughts!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things:

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results!

The Routine Task List Exercise

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version:

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them.

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s best to establish a set time to prepare a written list.

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because the submissive is forced to think like the dominant.

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the dominant’s preferences.

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell into each category:

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub happy, are not actually submission for them

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list.

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria:

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”, “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule.

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list.

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done.

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course, is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise, the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list.

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant.

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs.

John’s Attestation

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission:

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply irresistible!

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from my first list made it to the routine list.

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER.

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did.

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain circumstances.

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant. She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission, but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it.

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind, but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself acting in accordance with them, without having to try.

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU.

Wrapping it Up

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course.

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is!

The Use Of Signals in Public

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.).

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week.

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative.

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way.

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications.

Some basic rules

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine:

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose, touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment to disassociate the actions

Ways to make it work

Here are some easy ways to make this work:

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you think I want to hear from my submissive”

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling, knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”. It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that. There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done. – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy. The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in, people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser

With my submissive, I only have four signals:

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very valuable with unknowing folks around

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?” Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend into the background

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force. Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Gynosupremacy, The Internet, and The Loss of Individuality

December 27, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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My brain-dump of the day started with a response to a question about whether the dominant women in our group have their submissives serve “all women” with whom they come in contact; to yield to women as superiors and to enslave themselves by virtue of gender.

I had heard this concept before, and had always thought of it as a male fantasy. I had always assumed that the allure of every woman being their superior; the thought that they were “under” every woman – was an imagery men craved. It just struck me as a convenient way for men to live in a titillated state throughout the day and, frankly, to push their kink onto unsuspecting – and non-consenting women. However, I was surprised to find that some of the women in the room not only had given that very order to their submissives, but truly believed in gynosupremacy.

I questioned those that had ordered their subs to treat all women as superiors as to whether the idea was theirs or their submissive’s. Most either admitted that the guy had been first to recommend it, or that they couldn’t recall who suggested it first…that it just kind of “became a thing.” However, there were a couple of women who proudly stated that it was their original directive. I questioned their rationale. The discussion became lively.

I had addressed the concept of “supremacy” in my books before that discussion and started down the logic trail. For me, submission is a dedication to an individual and I feel that when you generalize based on a trait, you lose individuality. I related it to feeling commoditized by gender-related bias. I posited:

“Can you see how a blanket statement about women in general being superior, makes none of us special? I’m not just a woman. What is it about ME that makes someone want to submit TO ME? As opposed to any other women, for example? Am I just the most convenient woman around right now? If not me, will the next woman do? Is what makes me special that I have a vagina – and am willing to allow someone to serve me? No thank you!

The notion that someone’s gender is all that’s necessary to warrant submission dilutes the value of that submission. Submission is a dynamic between two people, not between two genders. Furthermore, if you define gender as an identity, then are we implying that, if someone identifies as a man, they are not superior – but if they decide to identify as a woman, they are? I’m sorry, but that would confuse me!”

I think it’s safe to assume that, when we look at women and men as individuals, rather than as generalized men and women, we see their strengths and weaknesses. There are individual character traits that could make someone a very good, or a very poor dominant – or a very good, or a very poor submissive, irrespective of their gender. It’s not the existence or lack of existence of a “Y” chromosome (or one’s gender identity) that makes someone dominant or submissive. All men are really NOT alike…nor are all women. I know many women who I would follow anywhere – and others who I would never follow … EVER.

I started asking about the nature of their dynamics. Surprisingly, a majority had online relationships with their submissives. Many of the relationships in the room were either completely limited to the internet, or predominantly remote with occasional real-life interaction.

That then got me going on the impact of the digital world on individuality. I started to consider that the number of relationships people establish (at all levels of seriousness and of all relationship types) with people they have never, or seldom met – and don’t really know, is growing due to the internet. It brings people with similar interests together and improves the efficiency of the compatibility filtering process. Additionally, the allure of anonymity is strong, particularly for people exploring an “edge” interest. But this remoteness is a double-edged sword. The worlds of reality and fantasy blend on the internet. You’re never really certain who you’re with – as there are few immediate repercussions to your actions.

I began to wonder if the notion that “all women are worthy of submission” stems, in part, from being able to interact with people without knowing them. Does the internet make a partner easier to sculpt in general terms – and to create an image of a person that matches your fantasy? I think it’s pretty clear that it does.

In fact, I believe this image-creation phenomenon is also largely to blame for the number of men who believe that a woman will jump at the opportunity to dominate them, just because they’re willing to be dominated. If you’re a dominant woman with an online identity, you’ve very likely been approached, multiple times, by men who have already decided to submit to you, without knowing you at all – and then, who are hurt if you don’t want them to serve you without getting to know one another!

I’m also certain that there are a number of you reading this today, who have been disappointed – or even hurt – when the imagery presented online and the reality of present-relationships don’t match. Or when you yourself don’t seem to live up to the imagery that was projected onto you.

Part of the allure – and the primary reason for the failure – of the internet for creating relationships is that partners become commodities. You live in the fantasy of your imagination for a period of time, and when that burns out, you move on to the next online partner. Imagining that every woman is a superior – or that every male is an underling – is a generalization that is highly supported by the way the online world masks our individuality.

I find generalizations, as a rule, to be troublesome (irony intended). I find the notion of supremacy (in any flavor: Female, Male, Black, White, etc.) particularly distasteful on many levels. I am an individual. I want to be treated as an individual and I want to receive my due based on the merits of who I am, how I think, and what I do. If someone wants to submit to me, they had better be prepared to explain what it is about ME that compels you to make that type of commitment. What separates me from all others like me. If they’re going to submit, they will submit to what’s between my ears, not what’s between my legs!

The Pros And Cons Of Contracts

December 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

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I was recently involved in a conversation regarding the use of Slavery Contracts within a dynamic. I thought it would be an interesting discussion to start here in Rika’s Lair.

Do you need a contract to establish a meaningful power dynamic? Of course not. Will it help? That depends on the people writing the contract; how much clarity they need; how realistic they are in creating it; and what expectations they have in signing it. There are Pros and Cons.

Contracts are, by design, the formalization of an agreement. In order to come to terms in a contract, both parties need to articulate their objectives of that agreement. For a contract to be complete, there are four key elements: Mutual assent (offer, acceptance, and obligation), adequate consideration, capacity, and legality.

That last condition (Legality) creates the first conundrum: There are no LEGAL slavery contracts in most countries around the world today. No matter how much you want to, you can’t sign yourself, legally, into being someone else’s property. It’s not so much the property part, but rather, a contract cannot bind someone into doing something that’s illegal. Slavery is illegal…so, even if you are willing sign yourself away to be someone else’s possession, the paper is meaningless in a court of law. They simply will not recognize that agreement and it will be void. Period.

However, many see value in contracts. The discussion today, therefore, is how can there be value in a contract, when we all know that it’s void and unenforceable?

We’ve already pointed out that legality is not going to happen here and I am assuming people engaging in this type of activity are of legal age and mental state to make the agreement (Capacity / capability) … so what’s left is for the contract to articulate the terms of offer, acceptance, obligation, and consideration.

Power dynamics are, of course, the result of a power-transfer agreement. Power dynamics, in general will benefit from adequate, up-front, descriptions and communications of the terms of the agreement. Both parties need to understand what is being transferred; why; and what obligations the agreement brings.

The Pros

We’ve all seen that the common-known terms thrown about in BDSM and D/s literature are poorly defined and are seldom standardized. What one person means by “Dominance”, “Submission”, “Service”, “Slavery”, “Tasks”, “Reward”, “Punishment”, etc. does not necessarily mean the same thing to another. Anything we can do that aids in this communication and clarification is going to give the agreement a better chance at longevity and fulfillment. When we write, we force our brains to organize our thoughts and to clarify concepts. Using a contract to clarify terms, in detail, will help communications. The obligations and limitations under which each partner is going to operate within the power dynamic needs to be articulated clearly. Even if the contract isn’t legally worth the paper it’s written on, there might be value in helping to communicate the power agreement more clearly.

Another positive aspect of writing a contract, is that they’re really fun to sign. There’s something exciting about drafting the terms of a power dynamic, and putting one’s name on the line. We can visualize images of the scene from “Venus in Furs”, when Wanda guided the hand of Severin as he nervously watched his name appear on their contract. The notion of formalizing the commitment, even if it’s meaningless, is titillating. You can make an event out of the signing, complete with pomp and circumstance, and seal the deal with a random act of kinky fun. There’s benefit to that.

The Cons

There are some downsides to slavery contracts: The first, and most obvious, problem occurs when people try to rely on the contract to enforce their power dynamic. The paper is legally worthless, it’s the commitment that matters. So, pointing to the paper for enforcement doesn’t work. Both parties know the terms are unenforceable. Ultimately, you’re dependent on each other’s mutual commitment to the dynamic. That’s where you need to put your focus – not on some piece of paper.

Other problems occur when people pack so much detail into a contract, that they don’t leave room for any flexibility or spontaneity. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, I described Sean and Dave’s “The Book” that described, in detail, every interaction they were able to predict and how they agreed to handle it. They had a ceremony signing the contracts and lived by “The Book” for a while. The problem was, situations changed, reality struck, family issues, job issues – tastes changed. The book had to be updated to reflect the changes in their lives. It required too much energy to maintain and The Book eventually fell out of importance. It eventually became a paperweight.

The last problem I see, is that “consideration” can be abused. As those of you who’ve read my books and articles already know, I try to avoid anything that will obligate me as a dominant. My sub’s job is to serve my preferences, not the other way around. It’s not that I don’t fulfill my sub’s preferences (and respect their limits), but I do not want to OBLIGATED by anything other than my natural responsibilities as their partner in our relationship. Contracts require “Consideration” – which technically means something of adequate value given in return for the offer. Therefore, the dominant is obligated by the contract to provide something in return for accepting the sub’s offer of submission. In my opinion, this can offset the imbalance of power – particularly if the sub is requiring things that they want, that don’t serve the dominant.

Conclusion

I generally don’t use contracts in my dynamics – at least ones that are written down. However, I have used them sparingly – and will sometimes recommend them for some of the couples with whom I’ve worked, where I believe it will help. When I do, I recommend a few ground rules:

• First: Don’t take the contract seriously. It’s a great form of communication, use it that way • Don’t think this is a binding agreement. It isn’t

• The process of making the contract is more important than the contract itself. Consider creating it together, even if you don’t sign it, and then throw it away

• Don’t feel that you need to have a legitimately constructed contract. You are starting out knowing that the contract is missing “Legality”; it can miss other aspects of proper construction as well. For example, it doesn’t NEED to have a Consideration section. It does not need to stipulate obligation for the dominant. The contract can be as one-sided as the power transfer

• Lastly: Keep the details at a level that helps the communication, but is also open-ended and flexible. Don’t try to pack EVERYTHING into a contract. After working with me, Dave and Sean re-created a contract (because that worked for them) and it was less than one page long. It simply stated their intents and committed a clear power transfer. It did not require maintenance and still served its purpose. They continue to live by it, today

It’s important to communicate your vision of your dynamic and to assure your partner has a clear understanding of what it entails to you. You might find a contract helpful in communication and clarification of that vision. Also, it might be a fun, kinky, exercise to document your power dynamic and sign it in ceremony; with pomp and circumstance. If you do choose to use a contract, take the commitment to each other that it documents seriously, but the contract itself is just a communication tool – don’t make it the center of importance.

Learning to Orgasm On Command

November 28, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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Today, I’m going to go over a technique that I’ve been teaching for many years. Those who have read my books will likely recognize it. The technique is designed to help a submissive learn how to come on command. This is not some mystical, mind-washing, magic trick; it’s a methodology that helps a sub get in better touch with their body’s orgasm cycle, so that they can control it well enough to orgasm at a particular moment.

The Methodology

The methodology requires a partner, who ends up being in control of the eventual orgasm. Logically, the dominant will play this role – but I suppose it doesn’t have to be the dominant. For argument’s sake, and since most people reading this essay are in (or want to be in) power-based relationships, I’m going to assume it’s the dominant helping the sub learn to orgasm on command.

The goal is to achieve orgasm on a countdown. The dominant will count from a chosen number and the sub will reach orgasm EXACTLY as the dominant reaches zero. Over time and familiarity, the starting number is decreased, until the sub’s required preparation time is minimized. The final goal will depend on the physical capabilities of the submissive, but most everyone I’ve tried this with was able to achieve some level of countdown “perfection.”

The process starts with the submissive stimulating themselves. We do this because it gives the submissive control of the pace and pressure of stimulation. It will be easiest, in the beginning for the sub to be thoroughly excited and even teased to some degree before you start. You want the sub to be able to orgasm relatively easily. In the beginning, the dominant can even ask the sub if they’re ready to start the process.

We start with a very aroused submissive who is stimulating themselves, relatively close to orgasm:

The dominant picks a number; something like 20; and begins to steadily count down to zero. The count should be evenly paced, and reasonably slow. The goal for the submissive is to start to come when the dominant says “zero” – not before zero; not 15 seconds after zero; but starting to orgasm AT zero.

As the dominant is counting, the sub regulates themselves towards their orgasm. If the sub feels themself approaching orgasm too soon, they need to stop stimulation, so that they don’t come – while the dominant continues to count at the same, steady, pace. The sub then tries to pick up again to attempt to still come at zero.

If the sub does not begin to orgasm as the dominant reaches zero, the sub has to stop stimulation, immediately. The sub’s objective isn’t to come before zero or after zero, the orgasm has to be starting AT zero – if not, stop.

If the sub doesn’t come at zero, the dominant lets the sub calm down a little and then decides if they’re going to get another chance right away, or not. This is completely at the dominant’s discretion (another reason why this works nicely for a power dynamic). If the dominant decides not to try again right away,

the sub will get another chance at another time – but, for this technique to work best, the sub must not be allowed to orgasm in between attempts. The key here is that the sub either makes it, or waits until they eventually do.

The next time the technique is tried, the dominant can start at the same number – or, if they feel that the starting number was too low, a higher number. The goal is not to frustrate the sub (that will come later ), the objective is to help the sub make this work. We want the sub to learn their orgasm cycle.

Eventually, the sub will learn the feel of their orgasm and figure out how to get to a point and hold off going too far. They will determine how long it takes to get from that holding point to orgasm – which will become the point in the countdown where they’ll really start to approach orgasm. Every sub will be different. For my husband, that magic number is 4. He knows that he can hit a holding point and then, when I get down to 4 in my count, he switches his mindset and can achieve perfect timing.

Once, does not perfection make. Once the sub gets this right, do it again and again. They will get pretty good at it, eventually. Once they start to be consistently able to hit zero from a particular number, the dominant can start at a lower number, 15, 10, or any number down to the sub’s hold point. You may not make it a couple of times before the process works at a lower number – but the hold point will be the same and so the sub will find themselves able to achieve shorter countdowns very quickly.

Once consistently on time while the sub is stimulating themselves, switch to the dominant doing the stimulation. This opens a whole different situation for the submissive, because they have less control of the intensity of the stimulation. They also need to communicate to tell the dominant to stop stimulation in the event that they are approaching orgasm too soon – or request for more stimulation if they’re not quite in position (which opens the door for some interesting “tease and beg” scenarios).

I have found that, if the sub is well-controlled at self-stimulation, they will adapt to being stimulated very quickly; much sooner than you may think.

Once the sub has mastered control while being stimulated, you can extend the technique to all types of stimulation – including intercourse.

The Benefits

There are a number of benefits to having a submissive who can control the timing of their orgasm. First of all, having so much awareness of their orgasm cycle allows them to last longer as well as not take too long. These will make them better lovers. It will allow them to spend more focus on their dominant’s pleasure and time their release(s) (assuming they’re allowed to have them) with their dominant.

There is also the added benefit of knowing exactly where your sub is along the path to their orgasm – making Tease and Denial games even more effective. If you know your sub is going to orgasm exactly at zero, then, where will they be at 3; or 2; or 1? You can time denial for a perfect frustration – or for ruined orgasms by stopping at the right number.

The “Please Stop” game fits perfectly in on top of this. If you’ll recall (from my previous essays or from my books), the sub is required to ask to stop stimulation 5 seconds before they orgasm. If they’ve mastered this technique, they will already know EXACTLY when they’re 5 seconds away from orgasm. If you, as the dominant, decide not to stop, and you start the 5 second countdown, you know the sub will be able to regulate for orgasm at zero. It won’t matter what type of sexual position you’re in or what activity you are doing.

Wrapping Up

This technique is both doable and effective. It takes some time for the sub to master, but it is absolutely within the reach of most. It’s effective for all genders and makes for a great control game. I hope you try it and tell me how it goes!

Rewards vs. Recognition In Power Exchange

November 14, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I’ve written, at length, about my approach when it comes to rewards and punishments. I don’t do either of those. I refer you to my other books for that discussion. However, I’ve also written about how a key responsibility of the dominant is to recognize the submissive’s efforts so that the submissive does not feel alone / abandoned in the dynamic.

Some people have argued that recognition of the submissive’s role and assessment of the quality of the job, is tantamount to a reward for the submissive. They feel that a dominant saying “good job” or “thank you for continuing to serve me” is a reward for their efforts.

I disagree with this notion. It’s true that submissives get pleasure and satisfaction from a dominant’s recognition, however, there is a strong distinction between rewards and recognition.

Though I don’t do rewards, I do a lot of recognition. My subs love that I recognize them and, in fact, recognition is a basic necessity of the dynamic. However the difference that I see, stems from dictionary definitions of the two words.

In my mind, the difference is as follows:

Recognition is personal praise or gratitude for good work and can be given at any time.

Rewards are tied to goals and accomplishments and are generally given up on completion.

I don’t reward goals / accomplishments because top-notch service is expected of my submissives. There is nothing “out of the ordinary” for submissives to work hard and complete a task, assignment, or even anticipate a need extremely well. If I set a goal for a submissive, they strive to achieve it, primarily to please me.

I do however, provide personal praise for their efforts and also will show my gratitude for their continued submission. Note: As in my essay on “Saying Please and Thank You”, I choose to show my gratitude that my submissives continue to choose to serve me each day…as they show theirs to me for allowing them to do so. If a sub does a great job of anticipating something for me, and removes an obstacle before I have to face it, I’m both grateful and generous with my praise.

Just because someone enjoys recognition and gets something out of it (e.g., Pride, sense of accomplishment, and affirmation of the dynamic), doesn’t make it a reward. A reward is linked (in my vernacular), to completion of goals or milestones. Rewards are more: Do this, and get that” – “Get this because you did that”. It’s motivations and incentives.

Herein lies my issue with rewards. I question why a sub would need more motivation / incentive than serving their dominant well and receiving acknowledgment of a job well done. A pleased and satisfied dominant is the objective of their submission, so why would it take anything more or less than that to motivate the best possible service? I’m suspect when that isn’t enough.

Recognition, on the other hand, is one of the most important, and often neglected responsibilities that a dominant takes on in my methodology. Recognizing when your submissive is striving to meet your expectations and fulfill your preferences, is important in letting them know that you’re active and present in the dynamic. It doesn’t take a lot to recognize a sub: Just a “Good job serving me” or an “I see how you did that for me, and I liked it” go a long way. I like to have my sub thank me for doing things for me: A little bit of irony goes a long way. These are really simple, no effort things that just say, “I’m here, I’m present, and I see your effort”.

As far as I’m concerned, recognition is a must. I recognize my subs as often as possible. I prefer higher volume of lower effort recognition. Reward, on the other hand, is unnecessary and often counter productive; as it tends to distract submissives from their ultimate motivation – that of pleasing their dominant by fulfilling their expectations.

Obedience As A Byproduct Of Submission

October 24, 2020 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

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I wanted to expand on a thought from a prior article, wherein I stated, “I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want it to be the byproduct of their goal.” The topic relates to the use of fear as a motivator and is also applicable to the use of punishment to change behavior in a submissive. For this article, I wanted to delve into this a bit more.

Recently in a FetLife.com discussion group, someone posted the question, “What is the most powerful thing A submissive Can do to impress you?” By far, the most popular answer from the group was, “Obedience”. Some wanted “Unquestioning, immediate Obedience”, others just said, “Obey me”.
I thought about this for a while.

It is true that my life is easier when my sub obeys me. I’m less aggravated, expend less energy, and am generally happier than if they don’t obey me. I’m not a person who wants to punish my submissives, nor do I feel the need to reward them for good service (see my articles on punishment and rewards or read my books for a lot more detail on that logic), so I have less complexity when a sub does what I want them to do.

But I don’t have any rules – spoken or otherwise – that say, “Obey Me”. In fact, I don’t even want a sub to think about obedience as a form of submission. Rather, I want obedience to be a logical outcome of their submission.

Many subs believe that obedience is submission. The trope goes: “I promise to do whatever you say, immediately, without question. I will obey your every command”. But I argue that being obedient, in and of itself, is not a submissive act. I cannot consider it to be submissive unless I fully understand the INTENT of that obedience. That’s what matters
In that discussion group, I responded that, what pleases me is less about my submissive’s “obedience” and more about their striving to be the best submissive they can — and that it’s important to them to continually improve their service to me, by seeking to understand and internalize my preferences and expectations. That they measure their abilities as a submissive by my feedback (think CERAF).

It is further my contention that, if a sub is focused on striving to be the best submissive they can be, they will, by consequence, obey me – when it pleases me for them to do so.

You might ask, “when would a dominant NOT want a sub to be obedient?” The most obvious situation that comes to mind is a “Funishment” scenario – or a brat scenario – wherein, the dominant WANTS the sub to misbehave, so that they can “punish” them – or “overpower” them to force them to behave.
Another situation might be if a dominant didn’t think a request through fully before making it, and the sub, in their quest to be unquestioningly obedient, follows the request to the letter, even though they know that the dominant didn’t intend the outcome or action.

Or maybe the request is simply not in the dominant’s best interests. A sub who cares about their dominant may confirm a request, or determine if a carefully framed challenge is in order, as long as they make their motivation clear and are able to get back from such a stand without angering the dominant.

I’m sure it would be easier for a sub to “Just Obey”. They don’t have to think why they’re doing what they’re doing – they’re simply doing what they were told to, and that’s all that matters. Being blindly obedient is easier than understanding why you’re doing something, but is it as good service? Does it bring as much value to the table?

Either way, whatever is desired is going to get done by the submissive – but if the submissive is internalizing the preference of the dominant and executing with motivations intended to directly improve the happiness and satisfaction of the dominant, it has got to be more valuable to the dominant than just “following orders.”

If I ask my submissive why they obeyed me, I would expect them to say something along the lines of, “Because it was something you wanted and I knew that by doing what you wanted, I would be pleasing you and making your life easier. And to challenge you, or delay action, would cause you a distraction you don’t need and delays you don’t want. Certainly, disobeying you wouldn’t please you”. Which is such a better answer than, “Because I obey everything you say.”

Not all dominants want their subs to be thinking so much. Some want immediate obedience. For those folks, I point out that, if a dominant prefers to have blind obedience from their submissive, the submissive would still be motivated by the dominant’s preferences if they blindly obey in an attempt (motivated by the intent) to meet the preferences of the dominant. Same result, different mindset.

When the intent of a submissive is to meet the expectations and preferences of their dominant, obedience naturally occurs whenever it is desirable – and is a natural byproduct of the underlying intent to submit.

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

October 17, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience.

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience.

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me?

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that, while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well, one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me.

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not just compliance:

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to control.

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome.

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served!

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and therefore, obey) their dominant:

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the submissive.

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique dominant, the better the level of their service becomes.

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task, fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a specific, penalizable action.

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to. I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible service and to tune that service uniquely to me.

The Downside Of Demonstrating Submission

September 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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This week, I was chatting with a submissive who had been dismissed from her mistress’ poly household because she was unable to control her jealousy and need for attention. Now, almost a year later, she has returned asking for forgiveness and swearing that she’s changed.

I correspond with the mistress fairly frequently. In the past, she has shared the issues with this particular submissive, and last year, I provided a sounding board when she was torn about dismissing this submissive. I got good insight into the types of challenges that they were facing and saw how the submissive was creating an intolerable situation; being demanding and emotionally taxing. Dismissal was appropriate. Now, the submissive is begging to come back and promising great change. As is the tendency in these cases, my friend seems to have forgotten the problems of the past and wants to believe that the submissive has changed her ways. The submissive reached out to me, feeling the need to tell me how she’s changed and how “things will be different this time” and how she “will show the dominant how much she’s changed”.

I have the luxury of being emotionally detached from the situation – and so my memory serves me a bit better than that of my friend. I’m a believer in adjustment and in lessons learned – which this submissive has clearly experienced – but the way she worded her intent made me skeptical that change is possible.

At the root of my doubt is an issue that’s very common among sub-centric submissives; the notion that they can “demonstrate submission”.

Demonstrating submission is a sub-centric activity. It may not seem that way at first, because the stated objective is to show how good their submission is, but “demonstrating something” is an action that requires that the one to whom the demonstration is given, observe and acknowledge the performer. The focus of attention during a demonstration is on the demonstrator.

This feeds the sub-centric psyche. The focus of attention is on them. They are the performer. They are being watched and judged. The dominant is forced into the position of having to “write the review” of the performance – and determine if the show stays open. Even though the sub’s actions are stated to be for the dominant, their actual intent is self-serving.

Imagine what’s going to happen if the dominant is preoccupied with something (or someone) else while the submissive is trying to demonstrate their improved submission. What if the dominant is just not paying attention at that point and time? Will the sub feel that their efforts are being neglected or ignored? Should the sub wait until the dominant is paying attention to demonstrate their submission? That wouldn’t be very good submission, would it?

I’m not saying that subs shouldn’t get feedback. All subs are entitled to get feedback. They have no other way to improve their submission. For those of you who’ve read my books, you will remember CERAF, the acronym that stands for what I consider to the be the primary responsibility of a dominant: Communication, Expectation, Recognition”, “Assessment” and “Feedback”. The last three steps are all

about seeing the sub’s efforts, assessing them, and providing the feedback to help them improve. How does “RAF” differ from a sub trying to demonstrate their submission?

The difference is in “Demand”. It’s one thing to want to be the best submissive you can be – internalize your dominant’s expectations and use their assessment and feedback to make adjustments – it’s completely another to make the intent of your actions to force acknowledgement of them. The intent of a good submissive is to serve the dominant – and internalizing feedback and making adjustments are the best ways to reach that objective. But when the intent is to force acknowledgement, to PROVE something to the dominant, to get the dominant to admit that improvement – that’s when it becomes manipulation and self-centered behavior.

Submission is a commitment that you make; a dedication to a dominant. Your focus is on the dominant – their expectations, their preferences, and their desires. Submission is “good” when the dominant feels that it’s good. The dominant doesn’t need to be “Shown” how good submission is – we feel it. A good dominant will provide that feedback at appropriate times and on their own schedule, but not because it’s demanded in order to confirm the submissive’s objective.

A exaggerated example, to demonstrate the difference, can be seen in this tale of two submissives, tasked to clean a bathroom:

Submissive #1 Cleans the bathroom. Does the very best job they can and heads on to do their next chore. The dominant eventually uses the bathroom and calls the sub in an says, “Nice job, but next time be sure to wash the tops of my makeup and cold cream containers”. The sub notes that so they can do it the next time.

Submissive #2 Says, “Thank you Goddess…I’m going to clean the bathroom and I’m going to make it SPARKLE! You’ll see”. The sub cleans the bathroom and then seeks out the dominant. “Would you like to inspect my work?” If the dominant is not interested in inspecting the work, submissive #2 sulks, until, eventually the dominant relents and inspects the work. Submissive #2 is anxiously awaiting acknowledgment that the dominant sees how good a job they did. The fact that cold cream container cover is not cleaned becomes an issue that submissive #2 interprets as a failure to demonstrate their improved submission. The dominant, feeling this pressure, might even not mention the cold cream container – just to avoid the emotional tumult.

OK…that’s an exaggerated scenario – but it highlights the underlying intents…and whether they’re as blatant as this example or not, they are FELT.

Being the audience of a demonstration demands attention. Being the presenter adds pressure and makes criticism personal. Dominants need to provide feedback and submissives need to listen, internalize, and adjust – but an intent to serve must not manipulate a dominant. Don’t demonstrate your submission – just submit.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Ms. Rika

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