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What Would Happen Without Shame and Embarrassment In the BDSM/Kink Community?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today’s thoughts evolved from another article I read regarding a news broadcast on feminism, in which  a female participant “admitted” to attending “spanking camp”: A BDSM-oriented gathering that focused  on corporal punishment. The author mentioned that, while they were happy that BDSM was being  discussed in an open and positive forum, they were disappointed in the amount of shame the woman felt – and the way the interviewer continued down the shameful manner of referring to the event. The  notion that a woman could enjoy being spanked (or participating in BDSM as a bottom or submissive)  was creating guilt and shame based on how it seemed to run against feminist principles. 

Don’t worry…my column today isn’t about feminism vs. BDSM. It’s about the concepts of shame and  embarrassment – where they come from – and why they’re powerful in power dynamics. 

The statement got me thinking about the shame and embarrassment of many of the practices of power  play and, more exactly, if we were to remove the stigma behind the acts – remove the shame – would  we participate in them? 

Many of us play with “Humiliation” within our scenes. We have the stereotypes of foot worship, ass kissing, bowing, humbling, exposure (e.g., CFNM, etc.), degradation, etc. These are practices that play  with the creation of shame and embarrassment within the submissive. They are so engrained in the  social imagery of BDSM, that they are often automatically brought to mind when we think about power  dynamics. So, I began to wonder: 

If the shame were removed…if the actions were stripped to the core of simply being what they are,  without the emotional implications of what the action MEANS…would people still engage in them? 

Of course, for me, this question gets back to my favorite topic of intent (oh my, what a surprise!). I tend  to feel that the pleasure we feel is a reaction to our intent in carrying out the activity – more than the  activity itself. If the action were stripped of its implied meaning, or if our partner weren’t on the same  page as to the implied meaning, we wouldn’t partake in the activity. For example, would you really bow  before someone, if it wasn’t understood to represent subjugation and submission? Another way to look  at it: If someone bowed before you, but didn’t feel that bowing was a symbol of relative power, would it have any meaning? 

Rather than being humiliating or shameful, these acts are SYMBOLS of intent that we interpret in our  dynamics. They need to be MUTUALLY UNDERSTOOD to be effective. Both partners need to be on the  same page as to what the implied intent is, or the action will not have similar impact on the partners.  Part of our communications in our relationships would therefore need to be a definition of intent for these actions. I go back to “Define before you Opine” and the importance of understanding the “unique  definition of submission to a specific dominant”. 

Some folks believe that D/s not only involves the intent of a sub to submit to a dominant, but it involves  a wide variety of ritualized behaviors that serve to confirm this intent and enhance the sub’s sense of  submission and the dominant’s sense of Domination. Humiliation serves to enhance this sense of D/s. 

Interestingly, these acts do not equate to submission to me. I feel nothing when a guy kisses my  foot…really. I mean, if I know what it means to him, I’ll feel something – but again, it’s not the act of  kissing my foot, it’s his reaction to it that stimulates me. It’s his INTENT in doing it that gets me going. It’s  what’s going on in his mind that has meaning, as long as I’m aware of what that is. 

Take, for example, bowing: It could be argued that an observer would interpret bowing as an act of  submission or respect. I would argue that there is a MAJOR difference between submission and respect!  Which does a person who bows before me INTEND? If he’s of certain cultures, it may well be respect,  and not at all submission. Submission is not just placing someone in a position of respect…It’s about  dedication and commitment. Although a bow MIGHT accompany such a commitment, the bow itself  doesn’t equal that commitment! The bow doesn’t matter – the intent of the bow does. 

Is there a chain of thought that these acts thought of as submission, are deeply ingrained in our social  consciousness? Is it evidenced by the fact that they mimic rituals of domination and submission that  have always been part of our culture, and at least some practices, such as spanking, may have always  been part of our behavioral repertoire? 

In my opinion, this is a stereotype, used, not only in porn images of BDSM, but in more mainstream  media depictions of power dynamics, and therefore it is an accepted reality. I’m challenging the  stereotypes in MY dynamics because they don’t fulfill MY definition of submission. I have found that  they don’t fit many people’s perception. In my dealings with couples, I always advise that, before you  base your reality on a stereotype, be sure it matches the reality of your partner! It may not. 

When you engage in a power dynamic, you need to understand your partner, determine their  preferences, and learn their imagery. You need to discuss the definition of submission and get on the  same page as to what is, and what isn’t, service to that dominant. Only then can you establish a power  dynamic that has meaning your unique dynamic! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Do You Need to Earn the Right to Submit?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I got a note this morning from a dominant friend of mine, sharing the frustrations she, and many  dominant women, have when taking on new subs. Her question was whether subs should have to prove  themselves to be worthy of being allowed to submit, or be put in a position of submission and then  prove their ability within the role. 

From my days in management (outside of D/s dynamics), I can tell you that, most of the time, people  prove their ability to do a higher-level job before they’re assigned to it. It is a much less frequent  practice to give someone a “chance to succeed” at a position. It’s done…but not nearly as often. This is  usually because positions are often coveted and highly competitive and there’s no need to take the risk  associated with having the wrong person in a position of responsibility.  

If I take the analogy back to D/s dynamics, the reasons for qualifying an individual before allowing them  to submit to you, boil down to the risks associated with them not being able to perform as expected.  What are the risks associated with taking a chance on a submissive?  

The risks boil down to the amount of work that will end up on the dominant. The downside puts the  dominant to the task of identifying flaws in the sub’s efforts, determining how to communicate and  correct them, and then following up to make sure the corrections are made. Even worse, they may find  themselves needing to “motivate” the submissive…to create the energy to get them to serve. They can  easily then lose confidence that the submissive will perform other tasks to the level of performance  that’s acceptable and need to make constant judgements regarding whether to trust a submissive with a  particular task, or not. 

As those of you who have read my books and other posts and essays know, I’m a firm believer that  having a submissive makes my life EASIER. If having a submissive makes my life more complicated, gives  me less time to do what I want to do, or forces me to do things I don’t want to do, then something is very wrong. 

My friend brought up the point that often submissives want to be given the position and then be  ‘trained’. The whole “Training” thing is something I’m particularly against. I don’t train my submissives,  but I do educate them. I want them to understand my preferences and expectations and to internalize  them, so that they become their own. When they act, they act in concert with fulfilling those expectations. 

A quick web lookup on the differences between training and educating highlights this well: 

Training refers to an act of inculcating specific skills in a person. Education is all  about gaining theoretical knowledge in the classroom or any institution. Training is a way to develop specific skills, whereas education is a typical system of learning.

I am all for communicating to a submissive and teaching them general terms of how to be my  submissive, but I’m not interested training them like an animal. The skills they need to serve me, they  either come to the table with – or are able to develop based on their understanding of the objective and  their ability to learn. 

So, no…I’m not going to pick a submissive and try to train them to serve me. They’re going to have  opportunity to prove they’re a good learner and have the ability to apply general principles to develop specific skills. 

Does a prospective submissive possess the intelligence, empathy, awareness, self-awareness,  dedication, and energy needed to be good at it? That seems to me to be an awful lot to expect to just  blossom in front of you. Sure, it’s possible – but are you willing to put up with the effort required to  discover it can’t? 

For me, I would rather get to know a prospective submissive before allowing them to submit to me.  During that time, I’m assessing a lot about their personality, their real interests, their ability to be  dominant-centric, and their intelligence. I’m qualifying them to be a submissive, not based on any  particular skill, but rather based on the qualities that make learning happen. Are they going to be a good  student? Are they driven by a passion to serve? Are they going to be able to exhibit the self-control to  maintain their dedication – without burdening me with the need to force, or enforce, it? 

Therefore, from my viewpoint, you don’t get to submit and then prove you can do it. You also don’t  prove you can submit – you exhibit your natural abilities to learn and adapt and you exhibit your internal  desire to serve. You show me why, in particular, you want to serve ME – and not just any woman. Then,  I can feel comfortable with the discussion that leads to your submission. 

I would love to hear your opinions! 

Overcoming Obstacles to General Acceptance Requires Focus on the D/s in BDSM

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I am confident that there will come a time, when relationships with power dynamics will be commonly  accepted in our culture. We are already seeing signs of it in popular media: BDSM has become a bit  more “mainstream”; moving beyond its presence in fashion and showing up in more real ways. Power  dynamics are plots and sub-plots in the shows we view at home, in the movie theaters, and in books. 

BDSM is arriving, but not “all of it”. B&D and S&M are being depicted, but D/s is lagging far behind! In  many ways, it’s easier to depict BDSM without D/s. It’s relatively easy to have actors “do things to each  other” than to pull off the deeper character development needed to portray a committed D/s dynamic  convincingly and so, for impact value, ease of production, and perhaps out of lack of understanding,  media has embraced S&M and B&D and foregone the emotional commitment of D/s. 

This creates some issues, not the least of which is that the imagery of B&D and S&M, particularly as  portrayed within the media, is very closely aligned with the imagery of abuse, biker-outlaws, Nazism,  and psychotics! As someone who just wants to engage in consensual healthy power dynamics, this is quite troublesome. 

As I’ve pointed out previously, power dynamics in media, which is a critical first step in acceptance in  culture, is in its infancy. We are barely beginning to be introduced to characters of substance, who have a healthy interest in D/s; who do not have to be damaged by childhood trauma, or psychotic drive as an  excuse to enjoy open power exchange. Only barely…for most of the characters still suffer from some  aspect of that excuse, or are portrayed as comedic shills – wild, out-there characters who will push any  norm. We have not yet seen a character within a power dynamic, who does not require a “reason” for  being involved in it. It is not “normal” yet – and therefore needs an explanation to be believable. 

This is going to change. Much the way interracial relationships used to be verboten – then accepted with  excuse – and now presented everywhere, without calling any attention to itself; power dynamics will  eventually be portrayed as a matter of course – a sub-text – and nothing out of the ordinary. We will  eventually relate to the characters in such a way that they will be able to accept their interests without  need for explanation. We will get to the point where we won’t need to understand Joe and Mary’s  childhood experiences to accept that they are a happily married couple – and Mary chooses to serve Joe  as his submissive”. We’ll just accept that and be focused on the real plot of the show. 

I hope to live long enough to see the day…but I do believe it WILL happen. 

What are the obstacles standing in the way of making this happen? The first problem to overcome is to  establish that people can choose to be dominant or submissive without it reflecting a weakness or a flaw  in their character. We still seem to need an explanation – a reason why someone would want to stray from the perceived norm. The assumption is that there HAS to be something lacking or damaged in the personalities. 

There is a learned resistance to power dynamics that stems from society’s proactive attempts to  criminalize abuse. Due to the abolition of slavery, the emancipation of women, and the movement  against discrimination of all types – there is an overarching sensitivity to repression and imbalance. We  naturally want to repel any unfairness. However, conflating consensual power dynamics with these  examples of non-consensual abuse is misleading, and harmful.  

Even once we can clarify the difference between consensual power dynamics and non-consensual  abuse, there are still other obstacles to overcome. Gender bias very much sways acceptance. The  generalization is that men tend to be dominant and women tend to be submissive. Intellectually, we  know how wrong that stereotype is. It has been a high obstacle for rebellion in women’s rights activists  who have had to fight it. Even though our young generations are being raised without that assumption,  it’s still present and impacts the way media portrays the dynamics. 

If I were to present a show where Joe is Mary’s master, the audience would accept the premise. Of  course, the feminist mentality in all of us would challenge the producers with claims that the  relationship is setting back women’s independence by many years and there would be flack for allowing  the stereotype to be perpetuated, but no one would challenge the nature of the arrangement. The  audience would never challenge why Joe wants to be the dominant. They would even accept that Mary  is submissive. Dominance=masculinity…submission=femininity. 

But turn it around: Joe is Mary’s submissive. Suddenly, the audience will seek to find a rationale: WHY  does he want to be submissive? What is lacking from his masculinity? Is he “pussy-whipped”? Is he a  “mama’s boy” or Is he compensating for some childhood trauma? Is he looking for a release from the pressures of his otherwise dominant life? Furthermore, why would Mary want to be dominant? Is she a  radical feminist? Does she hate men? The audience will struggle figure out what’s driving these two to  make such a diversion. It’s viewed as “Role-Reversal” because the popular beliefs have been challenged. Gender bias is a huge obstacle. 

It’s also interesting that BDSM submission seems easier for the public to accept than dominance.  Dominance is viewed as the one “doing the doing”. This is the BDSM-mentality of doing things TO the  submissive. That’s the imagery. Under this assumption, people will “excuse” a submissive, by attributing  their acceptance as weakness in the presence of the power and persuasion of a determined dominant.  But the motivations of a dominant are immediately suspect and have no excuse. They are evil, power hungry Bond-villains, out to take over the world. They are psychotic sadists, who have to hurt to be whole. 

How does this change? How do we find BDSM relationships to be acceptable regardless of gender, and  be brought out from behind closed doors? How do we get to a point where submission and dominance are equally acceptable? 

I believe that a focus on D/s as the primary motivation for a couple, without the necessity of the imagery  of S&M and B&D, will begin to bridge acceptance. Establishing an emotional bond between two partners  in which one chooses to serve the other, will be more easily digested by the public. Most people have  felt the desire to serve another and most people will accept that allowing someone to serve you (who WANTS to serve you) can be a natural response. Most people will accept that you don’t have to be  psychotic to feel and desire consensual power dynamics. 

As we all know, B&D and S&M are OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES in a relationship with D/s power dynamics.  They are elected within the context of the power agreement. They will likely not be the only activities.  Portray this in the media, even though it’s much harder to do, and we will see a change in perception  and acceptance. Once the emotional bond is established in the minds of the viewers, they will accept it  as the motivation for any physical bondage that follows. So long as the D/s is the primary motivation,  the practices of B&D and S&M will be more readily acceptable and the public will not be dreaming up  more destructive rationale for the actions. And if they are not present at all, more people will be  exposed to, and understand, pure D/s dynamics…that can’t be a bad thing! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Hard Limits And D/s Dynamics

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

From time to time, I make a comment that stirs up a bit of controversy. This week, the heresy was that I  made the statement that I see no reasons for “Hard Limits” in established, founded, D/s relationships. I  took a bit of flack regarding safety, communications, rights, etc. 

So, before we get into my rationale, let’s quickly define a “Hard Limit”: A pre-negotiated activity,  situation, or issue that participants considered to be prohibited.  

It’s important to note, that my statement was made with respect to established and founded D/s  Relationships. That is: Those with established, healthy underlying relationships (see my other  articles regarding the “Layers” and what an “underlying relationship entails”) and relationships with  developed, understood power dynamics.  

I do see value in Hard Limits in other circumstances. For example, in a dynamic that’s built on a new  relationship – or one that’s otherwise relatively early in its BDSM development – Situations where the  dominant and submissive do not know each other well. In those cases, having the communication  required to establish a set of hard limits is extremely valuable and likely even necessary for safety. 

As my relationships are all firmly established and founded, I find the notion of limits to be restrictive  for the dominant and indicative of a problem with the intent of the submissive. This is the  fundamental assertion that raised the dander of many of the conversation’s participants. 

My argument harkens back to the discussion of “Layers”; specifically, that different relationship  attributes source their intent from the underlying relationship and others source from the power  dynamic that is layered on top of that relationship. The requirements for a successful relationship  (with or without a power dynamic) are things like: Caring, Respect, Honesty, Open Communications,  Trust, Mutual Fulfillment of Needs, Companionship, etc.  

It is my contention that, in D/s relationships that have established underlying relationships, the types  of things that are “protected” within a “Limit” are naturally handled, without the need for a formalized  structure. If you care about the physical and mental health of your partner, you’re not going to do  things that harm them. You aren’t going to violate their trust. Therefore, the establishment of a formal  “Hard Limit” is redundant. Worse than just being unnecessary, the restrictive nature of the INTENT  of establishing a formal hard limit, indicates that the submissive does not trust the dominant to care  for them – and feels that a contractual construct to explicitly prohibit them is necessary. I feel that this  dilutes the commitment that is being made to that dominant. 

The arguments that came back (and that maybe you’re thinking right now) related to the “Safety” of  the submissive: That the dominant is obligated to avoid the limited activity which protects the  submissive. They also fired off on “the rights of a submissive to control what is done to their bodies”. 

To the first concern, I pointed out that there is nothing legal about a hard limit. A hard limit is only as  valuable as the integrity of the dominant. People who don’t respect the physical and mental health of  their partners will blow through a hard limit like a yellow light at an intersection…until they get caught.  Believing that creating a hard limit “protects” you, is foolishly optimistic.

In this way, a “Hard Limit” is like a slavery contract – it’s communication for the purpose of  understanding, but it can’t actually be enforced. There is no real binding mechanism. There is only  the trust and honor of the partners. In the case of violations, where your partner isn’t honoring, or  respecting your wishes, the only recourse you have (in both cases) is to end the dynamic. So  “Safety” isn’t a real advantage. 

With regard to the rights of the submissive: When you consider the underlying relationship, I feel the  point is also moot. Certainly, you have the right to tell your partner what you like or don’t like. You  also have the right to warn your partner about things that, in your mind, will end your dynamic. That’s basic relationship 101…and it’s reality with or without a power dynamic. The lack of a specified  hard limit doesn’t change a person’s basic rights. I also warn that the existence of one doesn’t guarantee them either. 

Imagine a couple who’ve been married for 25 years, who do not have an open marriage. One  partner discovers that the other is having an affair. Do you think there’s a practical difference in  these two statements? 

“I told you that fidelity was a hard limit and so I’m leaving you” 

vs. 

“You violated my trust, I’m leaving you” 

There is no difference. These are root-level requirements of healthy established, founded  relationships. There is no need for the formality of the construct. 

I was asked if I would enter into a relationship with a sub who presented me with hard limits. For me,  it would depend on his intent when presenting that limit. If he said, “I just want you to know that I’ve  had a trigger on ‘XYZ’ my entire life and I want to make sure I never have to deal with it…please  don’t put me in that situation” – then I would not hesitate taking this man on as a submissive (and I would respect his concerns). 

But, if he said something along the lines of, “I will submit to you, but only if you don’t do “XYZ” – which is off limits to you.” – Then, my radar would go up and I would be far more cautious before  engaging with him. I would want to probe a little further to attempt to determine his true attitude. Is  his intent to limit me as a dominant, or does he just not know a better way of communicating this? 

Lastly, if he said, “You can do ABC, DEF, GHI, but not XYZ – or I will be gone”, then I would likely not  engage at all. It’s all about intent – and a submissive who thinks it’s his role to limit me as a  dominant, isn’t a submissive for me. 

When someone enters a power dynamic as a submissive, purporting to dedicate themselves to the  preferences and pleasure of their partner and to serve them as their submissive, and then spells out  the ways in which THEY are going to RESTRICT their partner – it dilutes the meaning of the power  agreement (to me). That doesn’t mean the submissive partner can’t communicate their preferences  and even specify their hot-stops – in fact, I want to know that and I seek that out…but the attitude of  RESTRICTION changes the intent of the agreement – to me – and I would not accept that Hard Limit. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

How Do Submissives “Enjoy” Physical and/or Emotional Discomfort?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This entry, I’d like to share some thoughts from a FetLife conversation that revolved around the notion  that submissives “Enjoy” punishment, pain, and denial…and the question of how they deal with doing  something they don’t really enjoy. 

I brought up the point that I’ve shared here in previous columns in Kinkweekly: That feeling compelled  to do (or endure) something you normally wouldn’t, forces the submissive to rationalize why they are  allowing it (or going along with it) …and that the popular rationalization is that they are out of control  and under the command of their partner – that they are “Forced” to accept the discomfort. This serves to build the façade of power that allows both partners to obfuscate the reality of consent and enjoy  their dynamic despite the continued existence of free-will. 

I’ve used this point to argue why punishment isn’t actually the most effective tool in changing behavior  in submissives, since, although the submissive might dislike the punishment itself, they crave the  concept that their partner has the authority to punish them. The more distasteful the punishment, the  greater the perceived authority of the dominant, the more ‘enjoyment’ for the submissive. Obviously  counter-productive to actual behavior modification. 

During the conversation, one friend, who goes by the auspicious username of 000-298-237 (his friends  call him ‘7’…jk ) posted an interesting point of view regarding the use of the word ‘enjoyment’. With  his permission, I’m quoting him here: 

“Enjoy” has become a difficult word over the years. There is a great deal that goes  on, no matter the relationship or the context, that isn’t “enjoyable”. I still do things. 

I have pursued the craft of blacksmithing for more than two decades now. There is a  saying “Blacksmithing without burns is like expecting to swim without getting wet.”  I’ve had my share of burns, thankfully, through care and luck I’ve not had any that  required serious medical attention. I did reach the place where I let the burn sizzle so  as to not spoil the weld. (It’s not masochism in such circumstances, trust me.) I  haven’t stopped my smithing due to burns. I do not enjoy burns. Particularly the ones  on the inside of the hand where there is no nursing them if the work needs to continue. I still don’t stop smithing. 

About the same time, I came to hear “swimming without getting wet” I was in about  my third year of chastity with a full belt. (A Goenthals for the curious.) That’s when  “enjoy” started becoming an awkward word. “You must really enjoy chastity to be in  that belt so much.” Most were surprised to hear me say “no”. And later, “‘Enjoy’ has  nothing to do with it, but it’s not a hair shirt, either.” The side that gets little press  about such things is the work of it. It wasn’t discomfort or denial. Even if it had become easy routine, the level of maintenance of belt and body requires dedication  and effort. I’d explain this. 

“But if you don’t enjoy it, why do you do it?” My reasons were several, and several  were my own. It was not completely the whim and insistence of a Superior, and even  when it was it wasn’t about what either of us “enjoyed”. Most of my specific reasons  I don’t care to share here. Really, the specific reasons aren’t germaine. 

“I appreciate it.” 

Changing one word makes a world of difference, at least for me. My world has a lot  of joy in it. My relationships have had a great deal of joy too. Sometimes the greatest joy has come when there was the least to be enjoyed. Maybe it’s age, but even younger I was little moved to do something simply because I might enjoy it.  That’s for decisions like “I think I’ll pick up a candy bar when I stop for gas and milk.  I’ll enjoy the ride home a little more with a candy bar to munch on.” 

There’s much I don’t enjoy in service or submission. There’s much I don’t enjoy about  being a father, or when I was a husband, or sub, or slave, or employee, or employer.  I’ve appreciated and more than appreciated all of that. My love and appreciation has  not diminished when dealing with dirty diapers or the considerably greater quantities of manure a horse can produce. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed the blood or vomitus or any of the several other less than pleasant substances and experiences of  tending to people who are ill. I still do it. And I appreciate them, and the relationship,  and the circumstances and environment and more. I’m profoundly grateful for them. 

Joy does not mean enjoy. 

I love this last phrase, “Joy does not mean enjoy”. In a nutshell, this is it. We can like the fact that we  do things, even though we don’t like the things we’re doing. The price we pay for joy often comes at the  cost of ‘enjoy’. Submissives derive pleasure from unpleasurable things…it’s not a paradox…it’s a fact of  natural human life. We all have experienced this. 

At the end of the day, power dynamics are just extensions of our other natural desires. There isn’t  anything unique or puzzling about sacrifice for devotion and caring. We can find pleasure in enduring  the unpleasurable. “Love hurts”.  

I found this an interesting perspective and wanted to share it with you. I Hope you find it thought-provoking as well! 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Power Exchange And Longevity

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Over the past 15 years, I’ve worked with a number of couples establishing power dynamics within their  relationships. I’ve seen a lot of challenges and hurdles overcome: Preconceptions, fears, assumptions,  and wayward imagery. I’m happy to say that, most of the time, we have been successful at creating  meaningful and long-lasting dynamics. Of course, not all the time. 

The relationships that I have seen have varied in intensity; everything from spouses, partners, lovers,  friends, to even professional/client relationships. I’ve seen all sorts of power dynamics layered onto  those relationships; from highly intense TPE (Total Power Exchange) to playtime-only topping and bottoming.  

When you start to see a cross-section of relationships, you start to notice trends. Particularly, trends in  why people enter relationships, characteristics that result in good dynamics, and common reasons why  people have difficulty getting a dynamic to last. People enter into power dynamics with some fairly lofty  expectations. They can easily become disillusioned and disenfranchised, if those expectations are not tempered. 

One of the popular beliefs among those who are into power dynamics, is that power dynamics make a  relationship “stronger”. In particular, that people with power dynamics will have better communication,  be closer, and have increased trust.  

It’s a natural tendency to give the things that you do, particularly those that that are out of the norm,  more importance than they deserve – and I’m afraid, this is one of those situations. Power dynamics do  require communication, trust, and closeness – true – but they don’t, in and of themselves, create them.  

Relationships have base needs. In past articles, I’ve listed a bunch of those, including: Trust, Honesty,  Caring, Mutual Fulfillment of Need, Openness, Communications, Respect, etc. None of these are  uniquely tied to power dynamics: Plenty of folks enjoy high levels of all of these without power  dynamics — and many people who have strong power dynamics do not have high levels of these characteristics.  

It’s safe to say that ANYTHING a couple can do, that relies on these base characteristics, will exercise  them for the relationship. These are opportunities to prove that the characteristics are strong. However,  they are also opportunities that highlight weaknesses. Relying on the relationship-level characteristics  tests their voracity. 

I can think of a few things that tests trust, honesty, caring, openness, communications, etc.: Rock  Climbing, Scuba Diving, and Martial Arts comes immediately to mind when I think of sports; Swinging,  Polyamory, Sex in open places, and power dynamics comes to mind, if I think about sex. 

In my first book, way back in 2008 (omg!), one of the chapters was called, “We are no different”. In it, I  made the argument that being in a power dynamic does NOT make your relationship any stronger, more vital, or more important than any other activities that promote common interests, common goals, and a  strong sex life. Power dynamics are but just one of many things a couple can engage in together, which  will have the same effect. 

When I was growing up, I believed that a strong sex life is vital to longevity of a relationship. I still feel  this is generally true. However, I also saw relationships that failed because the sex life was the primary  draw that brought people together – which worked well in the beginning. However, as both parties  matured at different rates, and the sex life became less “new”, if they hadn’t developed the basic  requirements of relationships, they had nothing left to hold them together and the relationship disintegrated. 

What I’ve come to recognize is that, unlike popular opinion, having a power dynamic does not (in and of  itself) strengthen a relationship, but it CAN help to grow the characteristics that do. It’s the aspects of  the underlying relationship that get exercised because of a power dynamic that really hold the  relationship together. It’s the fact that power dynamics give you the opportunity to explore trust and  communication, respect and consent, caring, openness, and mutual fulfillment. 

I’ve also realized the corollary: That relationships don’t dissolve because of failure in the power dynamic.  People don’t separate because the sex life goes bad -they may use that as a reason (not being physically fulfilled) – but it’s really just an indicator of other, deeper needs that are not being met within the  relationship. A failure in the power dynamic could LEAD TO the feeling that other, relationship-level  requirements, are not being met. If the communication in a relationship is good, then a void in physical  desire will be discussed, mutually understood, and disposed (through agreement, resignation, or compromise).  

Where relationships fail is when failures in the physical are indicators that the partner doesn’t care, isn’t  interested in mutual fulfillment, and isn’t showing respect. THOSE violations impact the base of the  relationship, and will put the relationship at risk. The prime example of this is when one partner sneaks  off and goes outside of the relationship to get physical fulfillment behind the other’s back. They put the  relationship at risk by violating the basic requirements of Trust and Respect. You’ve heard the excuse, “It  was just sex, it meant nothing” … which may well be true – but it’s not the sex that does the damage, it’s  the violation of the fundamental requirements of relationships: trust, caring, respect, etc. that do the  harm. Someone who sneaks off to a professional dominatrix, or who creates a relationship online with a  dominant, without their partner’s awareness and consent, is putting their relationship at risk – not  because of a physical deficiency, but because of the relationship-impacting choices they make in dealing  with the physical deficiency. 

Power dynamics are not the answer, they’re the test. Longevity in a relationship relies on relationship level characteristics. Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual satisfaction of need, open communications,  etc. – these are the things that provide longevity. Power dynamics, as well as many other activities and  dynamics in which couples may engage, put those characteristics into use. When a part of your  relationship is exercised, it either demonstrates its strength or exposes its weaknesses. You can’t build a  meaningful relationship on a weak foundation. Adding a power dynamic to a relationship that has weak  base in trust, communication, and caring isn’t going to fix the relationship – it’s going to highlight the  deficiencies. Bad power dynamics aren’t going to destroy a relationship, either – unless the cause of the issues originates due to failure in the underlying relationship requirements, or are interpreted as such.

Keep the layers in mind. I know most people live relationships as a consolidated whole…they have a  single “Power Relationship”, but it’s often helpful to view it as a “Relationship” that has a “Power  dynamic” layered on. Then you can put you focus on the right spot – and not conflate the characteristics of power dynamics with those of relationships. Then you have focus to strengthen those characteristics  that will give the overall relationship longer life. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

The Barbie Analogy From Submissives

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This morning, I was participating in a discussion regarding the observations by some dominant women  that submissives do not show attraction well. The reasons for why this was the case isn’t as important as that the dominants in the discussion were lamenting about how they enjoy being the target of attraction  and how they feel limited to the submissive’s submissive acts as the means for recognizing that  attraction. They felt pressure to accept acts of submission as the only indicator of desire. There were  many comments that started with, “I’m not insecure, but…”. In general, when you start a sentence with  “I’m not xxxx, but…” – it means you know you ARE xxxx, and you don’t want to be. I know some of these  people well …These really aren’t insecure people, but they are PEOPLE – and people have insecurities. 

One dominant said, “This is a real struggle for me. I understand that I am the Dom and it is down to me  to make all the moves and be the lead. Which is obviously something I enjoy. But then the human in me  wants to feel wanted. Needed. I need to feel attractive for some reason other than my whip.” 

There’s a poison at work here; a recurring theme that drags us down. There is an insidious belief that  dominance can only be defined by a consistent standard to which we all aspire: Dominants are “All  powerful” … “Impenetrable” … “Demanding” … “Untouchable”. 

I began to think of my Barbie doll.  

We are fed this imagery of dominance from the very beginning. It is either something that we read, or  something that our partners told us: “Dominants are like Gods”. They are “Worthy of worship”. “They  have an impenetrable shield of confidence”. Bullshit. Newsflash: We’re not Gods; we’re mere mortals. 

This imagery is designed by submissives to serve the submissive mind. They want to feel subjugated to a  more powerful authority. They want to feel irresistibly compelled to submit. They want to be helpless – and to have that helplessness leveraged by an uncaring, unyielding, task master. The imagery is very  clear – and it spells out a standard you must support to be “A Dominant”. 

I repeat, it’s poison. The analogy to Barbie is strong: Barbie represents an image of female perfection  that can never be achieved – and yet, was held as a standard to which all women should strive. The  pressure to achieve the unachievable is established in the very core of the image. Worse, it’s an image  that mothers passed to their daughters. It’s a destructive process. 

For dominants, we’re facing a similar dilemma; male and female dominants alike; to appear and act like an archetype…to present the complement personality to what the submissive wants to see themselves  as. The submissive is defining what dominance looks like – in order to provide a framework that supports the imagery of themselves that they prefer. The result is a lot of pressure on the dominant – the one  supposedly being served. Worse, like mothers passing Barbie to their daughters, dominants often pass  that requirement to new dominants just entering dynamics. They transmit that which they themselves  were unable to attain; perhaps in an effort to avoid admitting their own inability to do so.

I won’t buy in to that imagery. I choose to define dominance by my own terms. I’m a dominant…which  means, I’m a person who has allowed people who want to serve me, to serve me. I didn’t force them to  serve me, I don’t expect them to fall to their knees because I’m some irresistible deity…I’m just a  person; with needs, desires, and yes, insecurities. 

This notion that a dominant must lead and make all the decisions: I don’t agree. Rather, the dominant is  the partner whose preferences set the direction of a power dynamic – whatever those preferences are.  We don’t have to make all the decisions – UNLESS it serves us to do so. We don’t have to lead, unless we want to. Our sub’s job is to serve us in whatever way we want to be served. Believing that it all falls on you is a tremendous amount of pressure to put on yourself – unless you enjoy being in that situation all  the time. Most of us enjoy leading most of the time – but there are times when we just want to follow,  or be held, or be vulnerable…and that doesn’t make us any less dominant.

What makes us dominant is that, when we feel like following – and having someone else “make the moves”, or be hugged, or  understood…they do it dutifully, with our best interests in their minds, motivated by their desire to do things FOR us, as our submissives. 

My advice: Don’t get hung up with that “dominant=perfection” stigma…it’s analogous to the pressure of  the perfect figure, the perfect skin, the perfect hair…Remember: Barbie is a killer. Don’t let those  pressures force you to be someone you’re not. Be yourself, teach your submissive who you are and what  you prefer, and let your submissive serve the unique YOU that you are. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

The Company You Keep Matters-Even In The BDSM Scene

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

“You are not responsible for what your friends do, but you will be judged by the company you  keep. The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” – Colin Powell (and several others) 

“Tell me what company you keep and I’ll tell you what you are.” – Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra 

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in  fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” – William Gibson 

Aesop is credited as the first to have said it. Others have repeated it in various flavors. “You are the  company you keep”. Now, let’s consider these other interesting quotes from actual dominants (who will  go unnamed): 

“My subs are the lowest of the low…” 

“He’s not worthy to lick the soles of my boots…” 

“He’s a pig, wallowing in my waste…” 

“She’s an idiot, a moron, an imbecile. She can’t do anything right […] Look at the way she bows before  me…” 

I get it…it’s a fantasy. It’s play. It’s a “scene”. And, it has a place there. I certainly understand why  submissives might be excited by having to accept such insults and even might want the humiliation of  being treated like the grime beneath a boot, but I find it harder to understand they, and some dominants, choose to extend that “scene” to real life. Over the years, I’ve met a number of dominants  who openly speak lowly of their submissives, not just insulting them to their faces, but complaining  about them when they’re not even around. Not just during playtime…but as part of their everyday existence.  

Last week, I had my first consultation with a new dominant; a middle-aged man, who has been in the  scene for several years. He has a small stable of three female submissives. He had read “Uniquely  Dominant” and reached out to ask me a few questions about my methodology. 

He started to describe his submissives. There was pride in his voice…but there wasn’t a single thing complimentary, or even positive, in his description. He spoke of them in terms of their faults and weaknesses. He discussed them as if they were broken, faulted, and inept.  

I could tell that, in his mind, he was trying to make himself appear “above it all” in my eyes. He was  trying to impress me; by showing me how critical he was of his “property”. I tried to look through the  façade, but it was actually very difficult.

I asked him what he does to correct them; since he was constantly disappointed with them. He detailed  the punishments he doles out. I asked him if those punishments helped, and he responded by telling me  how afraid of the punishments they were…but that they were “so stupid” it doesn’t seem to change anything. 

… And the definition of insanity is? 

I questioned if he thought his methods were effective…or if there might be a better way. That question hadn’t ever crossed his mind. After a few minutes of probing that thought, it became quite clear he had  no interest in improving his situation. He wanted to complain about them, and flat-out wasn’t looking to actually correct anything. 

In my eyes, this man lost a great deal of respect. It’s just fantasy, right? Well, this was this guy’s  life…and he was surrounding himself with people who he wanted to feel were the lowest of the low,  incompetent, and inept. Far from being impressive, the message his attitude conveyed to me was that  he was highly insecure regarding his own strengths and intelligence, and likely even doubted his own  abilities as a dominant in the first place! 

Then, he made the mistake of asking me how I “keep my submissives in line”…which opened up the  door for me to share a bit of my approach – since, I don’t keep my subs in line. I explained that my subs keep themselves in line. They are intelligent, capable, competent people – and I go out of my way to  make sure they not only know I feel that way, but that I RELY on it: I fully expect them to put those  wonderful traits into service for me. I want them to accomplish their objective: To be the very best  submissive they can be – as measured by my assessment of their efforts and how well their efforts  please me. How can they please me if they’re unable to service competently? 

What does it say about a dominant who openly denigrates their submissives in front of others? What  does it say about a person who CHOOSES to keep people who do not satisfy them around? Aren’t we  the company we keep? With whom do we choose to surround ourselves? 

I’m a lifestyle dominant. I spend an awful lot of time with my submissives. They are around me all the  time. I have an extremely high level of power and control over the select people who dedicate  themselves to me – and I have a choice as to who I allow to be in my presence: Why in the world would I  choose to have low, sub-human, stupid, or inept people serving me? 

I choose my submissives based on how well they can learn to serve me. I work with them to improve their skills, increase their understanding of my preferences and expectations, and determine how and  when to convert that into service. I ENABLE them to serve me better. We share the common objective  of them being the best submissive for me that they can be. The level of dedication that this requires  from a submissive is not something that an imbecile is going to grasp.  

In fantasy…in scene…in playtime: They can be beneath the dirt on my sole. But to be my submissive…to  serve me…to submit to me: They need to bring their “A-Game” to the table, put their abilities on display,  and serve to the best of their ability! 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Why I Find Feminization Fantasies Insulting

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A very popular fantasy among submissive men, is the desire to be “forced” to be dressed like a woman.  Whenever I’ve heard this fantasy, I’ve challenged it: Why do men feel that dressing like a woman is  humiliating or degrading? They say they worship women, but then feel that being more like one is an  embarrassment. 

I’ve heard lots of reasoning based on what it’s like to grow up being a man – and the stresses of retaining  and demonstrating masculinity. That only a very powerful force would make a man go against that  masculinity – and therefore, is exciting to the man if he is made to be that way. 

My attitude has always been, live and let live – if someone gets turned on by it, then fine…let them. It’s  just not for me – and my submissives will not be engaging in it. Your kink is not my kink…and move on. I  still do feel that way, but I’ve always disliked the fantasy and found it denigrating…but I never really  could put my finger on exactly why it bothered me.  

Then, this morning, I was reading a post on FetLife from a friend of mine, @Miss_Malloree, who said: 

Am I the only one who’s noticed that there are very few men who fantasize about  being the woman who breaks through the glass ceiling at a major corporation, or  who owns and successfully manages a professional sports franchise, or who is elected president? As others have commented, they all seem to envision themselves  as being at the bottom of the food chain, rather than the top. 

And I said, “Holy Crap!” 

This is it…this is at the crux of why the fantasy is so distasteful to me. Maybe you’ve always seen this,  but for me, this was a revelation. 

The fantasy most submissive men have regarding cross dressing, is to become the “Sissy”, the “Slut”, the  “Maid”, the “Prostitute”, the “Geisha”. They’re not just pretending to be any woman, they’re pretending  to be a particular type of woman – one who is not high-achieving, or well thought of in society. They are  highlighting the (as Malloree says) bottom of the food chain. 

What that says to me is that, this is what these men really feel women are. Oh, I’m sure they’ll argue  that they recognize that women are successful and capable, smart and intelligent – but in reality – when  push comes to shove – women are maids, sluts, and sex-objects. Malloree suggested female corporate  executives and business people, but the fantasy falls short of even middle tier jobs: Teachers, Scientists,  Fire or Police professionals. No…they are going to be dressed up, overly made up, loose…forced to  “suck cock”. That’s the imagery they have – and they want – consciously, or sub-consciously.

Worse still, the presumption is that a dominant woman, given all the power that she has, will want to  convert him into that type of woman…as a means to embarrass him! 

I can hear the argument: That the lower level role is part of the humiliation. Sorry – I’m not buying it.  Why the focus on gender? Why not just be turned into a lower-class man? Forced to be a gigolo, or a  bum? No…this is LINKED to a gender swap. This is about weakness and vulnerability as a function of  being a woman. Being a man in this position is not low enough. They are implying that a lower-class  woman is lower on the food chain than a lower-class man. The lowest of the low. 

I have come to realize that the fantasy highlights what these men really feel about women. I’ve always  known the fantasy was insulting – but never quite understood why I felt that way. Now, I have clarity. I  wanted to share this with you and would love your thoughts! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The  Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a  Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things: 

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the  need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments 

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant 

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely  burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do 

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches  the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why  something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive  think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured  communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book,  “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results! 

The Routine Task List Exercise 

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version: 

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them. 

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s  best to establish a set time to prepare a written list. 

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the  dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list  of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the  exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because  the submissive is forced to think like the dominant. 

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the  dominant’s preferences. 

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell  into each category: 

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to  have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the  dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub  happy, are not actually submission for them 

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do 

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain  WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to  explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant  and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list. 

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria: 

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the  submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”,  “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the  submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without  the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule. 

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that  can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant  should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the  dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list. 

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done. 

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course,  is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try  again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise,  the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list. 

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered  to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and  more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is  performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant. 

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the  submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the  dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs. 

John’s Attestation 

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of  success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s  Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission: 

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you  who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task  List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first  (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply  irresistible! 

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In  it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz  and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction  to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It  was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from  my first list made it to the routine list. 

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to  be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because  they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER. 

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every  chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not  moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that  wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing  anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she  was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my  core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did. 

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had  a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It  was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching  my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She  also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to  [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain  circumstances. 

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than  I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant.  She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed  – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission,  but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it. 

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis  anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her  servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have  changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind,  but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself  acting in accordance with them, without having to try. 

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first  component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The  other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU. 

Wrapping it Up 

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing  their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater  communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the  submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has  truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course. 

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic  regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com