Ms. Rika

Rika’s Lair – Finding the Potential Dominant in Any Partner

March 29, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’m going to discuss a topic that, I recognize, has been done to the hilt. I’m talking about finding a dominant when you’re a submissive. There are dozens of articles and even books on the subject. I run the risk of saying the same old tired things about “getting out there”, “being yourself”, or “go to munches; get involved” – all of which are obviously good things to do and I recommend you do them. But for this week’s conversation, I want to share some ideas that you might want to consider once you’ve done all of that, and are now face-to-face with a prospective partner. What are you looking for? How do you determine if this is a long-term partner to whom you can submit?

Since we’re talking about long-term relationships, my first piece of advice, is that you don’t look at this person as a dominant, and look carefully at them as a relationship partner who also enjoys dominance.

The façade of “Compatibility” The problem many submissives face is that they approach a partner with a preconceived notion of what submission means. They’ve already determined what kinks they want to pursue and they believe that the “right” partner is the one who wants what they want and defines submission the way they do. They think that this is “compatibility” and they search for it. Sadly, they don’t find it very often, mostly because they have narrowed their search criteria to such a tiny target.

When these submissives meet and discuss the possibility of establishing a power dynamic with an actual partner, they probe to find that specific definition of compatibility, and when it isn’t there, they assume the partner isn’t “into it”, “doesn’t know how to dominate”, or “just isn’t dominant”.

Sometimes, they’ll find a partner who is willing to play the role of “dominant” for them, but that fades over time for a variety of reasons, usually because that role is not their natural personality. The professional domination business is founded on this…giving clients exactly what they believe dominance is and creating the illusion that their fantasy exists naturally (as long as they pay for it).

To make it worse, most dominants have imagery of what D/s and BDSM is. This imagery is formed by the media’s sensationalized portrayal of sick and damaged people who live to hurt others. When they approach a prospective partner and start a discussion about dominance and submission, that imagery kicks in – and the prospect is repelled by it. You tell a prospective partner that you have a “deep bondage fetish”, and they don’t imagine the fun of patiently exploring someone’s body when they helplessly can’t influence the direction you take, they imagine torture and evil…they imagine that they must be bitchy and screaming and out of control bull whipping until they are drawing blood. I’m not saying there aren’t dominants out there who would enjoy that…but there are far fewer than those who would really get off on a partner who wants to fulfill their natural preferences and who would really enjoy tying you up and overstimulating you with sensations.

If you’ve been reading my column or have read my books, by now you know about my “Dominant- Centric” methodology for establishing D/s dynamics in relationships, in which submission is defined by the preferences of the dominant and the submissive’s goal is to provide for what the dominant truly

feels is FOR the dominant. This may, or may not entail things that are done TO the submissive. The approach is driven by INTENT: Why the sub does something is far more important than what is done. Submission is found when your intent is to serve a dominant as their submissive. Submission becomes the active role. Rather than laying back and being “done while helpless to resist”, the submissive is actively PROVIDING the things that the dominant feels serves them. These may or may not be “kinky”…but when your INTENT is to serve and your partner acknowledges that intent and receives it from a position of dominance, it’s kinky no matter how mundane.

So…as a submissive looking for a dominant, your challenge is to determine if you could be happy serving a dominant the way they want to be served, even if it isn’t what your current imagery thinks it “should” be. If you would be up for that, then your next challenge is to approach a potential partner in a way that helps them introspect and determine what truly serves them – putting away the imagery that they invariably has already formed regarding this type of activity. You want to help them define what your submission to them looks like. What will they truly find makes them feel naturally served? What does submission to this unique person look like, if they’re NOT playing the “ROLE” of dominant, rather, how does one submit to the person they are, not the image of a role they’re playing?

What this mindset does, is it opens the doors of possibility to ANY partner…not just those who have identified as “a dominant”, or worse, a dominant who enjoys ‘x’. It implies that you should find a partner with whom you connect first, and THEN determine how the D/s will work for you two. Together, you define the UNIQUE service that you will provide, customized to the dominant’s preferences and in total lock step with who they are as a person naturally. No games…just a lifetime of power dynamics.

Rika.

Ms. Rika (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com) is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A-Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair – A Question of Correlation: Female Empowerment and Female Dominance

March 15, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

A short time ago, I received the following question regarding the possible correlation between increased female empowerment and equality in society and an increase in Female Dominance in relationships.

In these days of increased female empowerment, sexual equality and opportunity for women, is there a correlation in terms of increased female domination and ladies that become dommes as a matter of progression? I was wondering, as ladies gain more control in everyday life, and most walks of life have an increasingly level playing field, if the mindset has changed?

I wanted to share my thoughts on this with you this week, because I assert that the OPPOSITE correlation will occur; that as a result of increased equality and opportunity, there will be a DECREASE in adoption of Femdom as a kink in relationships and a reduction in the demand for professional female domination.

Now this is a tricky assertion to prove or disprove at this point in time, because we happen to be in a period of growth in the acceptance of power dynamics (and kink that may accompany that) in our society. This growth seems to be driven by the media reflecting a trend towards the acceptance of dominance in our culture. I want to be careful to credit the liberal acceptance of diversity and individualism for this groundswell, rather than assume it is based solely on sexual equality. Media is beginning to include BDSM and, in particular Femdom, as a matter of accepted practice, rather than as a weird anomaly. We have Billions, Elementary, Bonding, and most recently Zelda Williams’ Shrimp breaking mainstream prime-time boundaries with threads of normalcy and acceptance of power dynamics. Then there’s the impact of 50 shades, which, although just an awful depiction, speaks volumes to the increasing acceptance within our culture (all of this coverage is still camp and riddled with stereotypes and old tropes, but it’s changing. In many ways, coverage of Femdom is analogous to the way LGBT movements were depicted 10-15 years ago. That gives me some hope).

Therefore, I see a rise in the acceptance of BDSM and Femdom in our culture, due to a drive towards diversity and acceptance and less about sexual equality. BDSM of all forms is becoming more accepted and being treated more than a “Gay Paradigm”.

Specifically, with regard to the correlation of female empowerment to female dominance, I start by pointing out the obvious: There is sexuality assumed in the notions of Femdom. The “Fem” portion of Femdom implies female sexuality and separates it from other forms of dominance. Any doubt that there is sexuality in Femdom, ask a man who submits to women if he’d like to submit to a man – and see how many say yes. There will be a number who will, but watch how fast the numbers dwindle. IT therefore follows that Femdom is a form of sexual manipulation. It’s not a bad thing…but it’s a fact to face: As a dominant, you are allowing service that is motivated, at least in part by your gender. Your power comes from leveraging a man’s commitment to serve a woman.

Before the 1970’s, the major sphere of influence women had was their sexuality. Until relatively recently, we have not been allowed to vote, to represent constituents in politics, to influence business, or

to express our opinions – in any place other than our homes and with our families – in our role as matriarch. The only “power” we had was that men desired us and needed us, and we could leverage that to our advantage to influence the men in our life to impact change. This is not a statement of desire, it’s a reflection of the avenues available to us to demonstrate our strength and to represent our point of view. Men became the proxies for the power we could have – in an unspoken and unacknowledged manner.

Given that definition of Femdom and the reality of women’s source of power in the past, I then look at this as a factor of opportunity. It’s my assertion that the more we (women) are able to achieve positions of power and control in society and business outside of our sexuality, the less we will CHOOSE to use sexuality as a lever of dominance. Not that we won’t continue to do so, but it will be just one of MANY options; and having options will dilute the number of women who opt for any single one. In extension, I therefore see true empowerment as having a potentially negative correlation on Femdom adoption.

The last point regards assumed gender roles. In pre-1970’s households, the woman’s role was assumed to be submissive and subservient. In the bedroom, it was assumed that women were pleasers and that the notion of pleasing women was reserved for special instances. When a man and a woman closed their doors, there was an assumed set of roles to be played. There was an assumed power dynamic in play. Anything contrary to that male-dominant dynamic was “Kinky”. Now, there are fewer and fewer assumed roles. Couples may or may not take on a power dynamic. Either may choose to be the pleaser or the pleased. Both have expectations of being pleased. and they may forgo the power element entirely.

So my conclusion is pretty straight forward: As women, times have changed and continue to change for us. There are new areas of communication for our thoughts and ideas. We have new rights and new channels and more are opening up all the time. We have OPTIONS that we have never had in the past. We are looked at for our brains and not our bodies – for the first time outside of our personal relationships. It’s natural that we will opt for those new avenues to exert our influence – and not be limited to sexuality as that means. We didn’t get stronger; we just have more ways to exert our strength! My point is just that, having more options dilutes the demand for any single one. So, I assert that empowerment in multiple venues will have a detrimental impact on the use of sexuality as a tool for influence.

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rika’s Lair-Marrying Your Power Partner

March 8, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

The question of marriage, as it relates to power dynamics, seems to baffle people. I often get asked, “Should a dominant marry their submissive?” or, “Is marriage the ultimate statement of submission?”. There are discussion groups in sites like FetLife.com, devoted to marriage and D/s. People continually conflate the notions of power dynamics and relationship dynamics – and that leads them to confusion regarding the notions of depth and commitment related to each.

I’ve participated in a substantial number of discussions with people who believe that getting married to their D/s partner is a symbol of the level of their commitment to their power dynamic. I’ve also seen the opposite, where dominants feel that marrying their submissives would elevate their partner’s power and make them less submissive.

I am of the belief that D/s and marriage are completely independent notions and that, while marriage might be considered to be the pinnacle of a romantic relationship, it provides absolutely no indication of the degree of seriousness of a power dynamic. Furthermore, power dynamics can be layered onto any type of relationship – not necessarily romantic ones – and therefore, marriage might not even be appropriate for the underlying relationship type, no matter how strong the power dynamic.

I actually take these conversations to the next level. Consider, “Why get married?”

Let’s say you have a loving, committed submissive…completely dedicated to you. He has promised to serve your needs, whatever those entail, for the rest of his life. He worships you and the ground you walk on. You have everything you want from him. Why marry him?

The point of this is not to question the value of marriage…it’s to bring focus to what it is about MARRIAGE that changes a relationship. Marriage is a mutual commitment of fidelity religiously, and a merger of assets legally. Socially, it’s a statement of togetherness and family. What does any of that have to do with power dynamics?

Whether marriage is appropriate for your relationship is a question for the relationship itself, not for the power dynamic. It doesn’t make the power dynamic any stronger or weaker. It brings the relationship to another level…but as I pointed out before, a deeper relationship does not necessitate a deeper power dynamic.

So the reason you get married is not about power dynamics…it’s about relationship dynamics. The reasoning is not different for those with power dynamics than those without them.

A non-married couple can have the same level of commitment, intimacy, the “seriousness” in their D/s dynamic as a married one. They can even have a “commitment” ceremony in front of friends and family members, without the paperwork and legality of marriage … So, why choose marriage? What is it about marriage that would deepen your D/s dynamic?

Some argue that marriage is a statement of “forever” and adds a finality to a commitment to serve. Others argue that it’s a commitment of fidelity. I argue that such commitments can be made without the act of marriage (and you don’t have to look very far to determine the voracity of the binding nature of the fidelity clause of marriage!) The only thing marriage adds is a legal blending of assets – something that is, in and of itself, questionable – if viewed from an “imbalance of power”-perspective.

Do not get me wrong…I’m entirely pro-marriage. I’ve been married for more than 30 years. I’m a firm believer in its sanctity and of the seriousness of commitment in relationship that it entails. But I’m married because of the depth of my romantic relationship. Yes, it so happens that my husband is also my primary submissive – but he’s not my primary submissive because he’s my husband – and he’s not my husband because he’s my primary submissive…These are distinctly different parts of our overall relationship, blended into one. Like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, they’re two great things, rolled into one delicious package. It’s my layer cake analogy.

The decision to marry is simply NOT a D/s decision. You can have a deeply committed, intense, D/s power dynamic built on a platonic friendship, and equally, you can have a casual, occasional, playtime power dynamic on a healthy 50-year marriage…and all variations in between. Being married doesn’t make your power dynamic any stronger (or weaker), or more committed than a couple who doesn’t choose to be married.

I will also point out that power dynamics, by themselves, do not strengthen a marriage…not more than any other common interest, shared passion, or other aspects of compatibility. Good sex lives certainly help relationships, but they’re not the basis for those relationships. Most relationships based primarily on sex don’t last. People who try to use power dynamics as a means to sure up a failing marriage, usually do not find a lasting solution. The layers don’t influence each other that way. Relationships survive on trust, communication, respect, honesty, openness, and mutual caring. Power dynamics are delicious icing on the cake!

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Please and Thank you

February 16, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

This morning, I received a PM on Fetlife from a woman who is new to dominance. She was a switch in past relationships, but found that she would like to take on the dominant role with her current boyfriend. She started reading through “Uniquely Rika” and, as I often do, we started chatting as she read chapter by chapter.

Today, she asked me whether it was “OK” for a dominant to say “Please” and “Thank You”, when dealing with her submissive. She indicated that she feels compelled by her upbringing to be polite and show gratitude to people, but she was finding that her submissive was reacting negatively to her doing so. She was trying to suppress being polite, which was unsettling and unnatural for her. Uniquely Rika was telling her the importance of remaining herself as a dominant, and she was conflicted over what would amount to be a major change in her personality.

To attack this situation, you first need to understand why there’s a problem. What’s wrong with being polite to a submissive? In reality, it’s actually not that you can’t be polite – but that politeness can be misinterpreted by a submissive as a lack of your awareness of their commitment to serve. A sub who feels that their dominant is “pleading” for them to do something (which is, technically, what saying ‘Please’ is), or one who is led to feel that the dominant doesn’t recognize their intent because they are being thanked for doing something that the power dynamic compels them to do, may feel alone in their dynamic. In previous articles, we’ve identified this feeling and addressed how it destroys dynamics and causes submissives to behave less submissively.

Dominants like myself, who are polite, are now likely thinking, “So wait a minute, I can’t do what I want and what makes me comfortable, because the sub might not like it? I’m the dominant and need to remain who I am!”. You are correct…but there IS a problem that needs to be addressed. Well, don’t fret, there’s a very reasonable solution. We absolutely can be polite, but we need to be aware of how it might be interpreted, and therefore, be clear as to our INTENT when we are.

Subs are compelled by their commitment., but the one thing that a submissive actually DECIDES to do, is to remain your submissive. “Free will” implies that, at any time, a submissive has the right to walk away from the dynamic. They’re living up to their commitment when they serve you, however, they are CHOOSING to remain your submissive by doing so…and that’s something you can definitely thank them for.

Therefore, thank the sub for their submission, not their actions. Rather than saying, “Thank you for rubbing my back”, you might say, “Thank you for serving me so well by rubbing my back”. A sub is going to dread the former, and will LOVE the latter. The message in the latter is an affirmation of your power dynamic and has no chance of being misinterpreted. In this way, “Thank You” is intended and interpreted as “I appreciate you and your commitment to serve me“.

“I appreciate you as my submissive” is a great message…”Thanks for being my sub”, “I love having you as my sub” – are all terrific words of praise. Whereas, “Thanks for doing things I tell you to do“, has a good chance of undermining the premise of your power dynamic.

Still, some will feel it unnatural and unnecessary to have to think about this and remember to phrase their thanks in a specific way. The good news is, it doesn’t have to last long. Once you establish your intent with a partner, you won’t need that formality. When you’re first starting a dynamic, being more explicit is going to help you. Make sure to specify “For your service”. Go out of your way to be crystal clear as to the intent of your thanks. This helps them know that you are active and involved in your dynamics. Once your intent is established, and there is less likelihood that your statements will be misinterpreted, you can shorten your delivery if you feel more comfortable doing so.

Just make sure you are clear in your intent and remain aware of how misunderstood politeness can be.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Re-Declaring Affirmation

January 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

Each week, I get a number of emails from couples who are struggling with issues regarding their power dynamics. I’ve noticed that often, they are looking for insights or tips to manage conflicts stemming from communication gaps and differences in intent between partners.

One of the commonly raised issues is a feeling that one partner is not as actively involved in the power dynamic as the other – leaving one feeling alone in their commitment. The suspicion that the dynamic only exists their mind is a lonely and unsettling feeling.

By far, the major causes of this feeling are the realities of daily life. Pressures of family, jobs, time, etc. weigh on our minds and we can easily get distracted from the interaction with our partners. This is not a D/s phenomenon; it exists in many aspects of relationships – but when it seems that one partner has forgotten the dynamic in times of stress or high-activity, it leaves the impression that they don’t value the dynamic. This is usually not true, but the feeling is very real, nevertheless. When faced with this situation, many subs withdraw, become sullen, or act up in rather non-submissive ways in an attempt to gain the dominant’s involvement.

To overcome this fear, it’s important to periodically redeclare our involvement in the power dynamic – To touch base with each other, communicating that we’re still active and involved – even when other pressures are distracting us.

For submissives, the act of declaration is a bit easier. Subs reaffirm their commitment with their every dominant-centric action. The dedication they show in foregoing sub-centric focus for the fulfillment of the dominant, communicates their involvement. For the dominant, particularly in a dominant-centric dynamic, redeclaration can be a bit trickier, because you have to be careful to avoid the possibility that your affirmation will be interpreted in a sub-centric context or force them to act against their natural flow.

There are varied ways for the dominant to safely redeclare their involvement. I’ve covered many of these in my previous articles here in Kink Weekly, and also in my books: The use of CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback) sends a clear message of active participation. “Simple Gifts” – small, gestures that highlight the imbalance of the power dynamic are a great affirmation tool in the dominant’s arsenal. Capricious denial demonstrates recognized control and power imbalance. Using tools like these, the dominant can communicate their connection to the dynamic in a way that’s unmistakable, while avoiding any undue demands on themselves.

Redeclaration can be formalized. Sean and Dave, a couple featured in my second book, “Uniquely Us”, took an idea that I had used with my husband, many years ago, and added an interesting technique for redeclaring their dynamic. As I did, Sean gave Dave a two-stranded braided leather band to wear on his right wrist. It became his “clandestine collar”. To the outsider looking in, it’s just a bracelet, but to Sean and Dave (and my husband and I), it represents the two of them, intertwined in their dynamic. The twist that Sean and Dave added, was a standing rule that, whenever they would come together after being

apart for more than an hour, Dave would kiss the bracelet and say the words, “Thank you”. It’s a very doable routine. The bracelet is on his own wrist. It can be done in public or private, and it’s up to Dave (the sub) to make sure the routine is carried out. In doing so, it redeclares his love and commitment to their dynamic. In watching and acknowledging, Sean reaffirms and allows Dave to feel his presence. Simple. Effective.

Whether or not you choose a formal manifestation of your affirmation, the advice here is to remain aware of how often you redeclare your commitment to your power dynamic. Never let you partner feel alone. It’s a bit like a kiss before bedtime, every night.

Redeclaring your connection and letting your partner know that you’re active and involved in the commitment you share, contributes tremendously to the long-termed success of your dynamic. Do it!

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Contact her at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rika’s Lair-Autonomous Submissives

January 12, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

This week, I was looking through articles on autonomous vehicles and started to think about my submissives. Strange correlation, you say? Well, maybe not as strange as it seems!

We have cars because it’s really difficult to walk long distances and it’s quicker and more convenient than riding horses or bicycles. Our goal is to make our lives easier and to get where we’re going in as efficient and effective a manner possible. We COULD choose not to use a car, but using one is much easier on us physically – gives us more free time – and is generally more comfortable.

When we drive a car, we have some decisions to make: Where do we want to go?…What time do we want to arrive?…Which route should we take? Then, as we’re driving, we steer our cars, redirecting the energy and power of the vehicle to get us where we want to go. Steering a car does not require a lot of physical work, certainly not when compared to the energy levels necessary to transport us there, but there is some work and planning required.

Emotional connection to my submissives aside, I find the utilitarian nature of having a submissive to be particularly analogous to that of my automobiles. Like planning a trip, there is work for me to do: I know what I want, I spend time (energy) introspecting and determining direction, I communicate that to my submissive – and EXPECT my submissive to work to get us there. I adjust the sub’s energy, not much differently than how I make micro-adjustments when I drive my car and the car starts to drift out of lane. I’m “working” by direction setting, planning, and adjusting, but just as the car is doing the physical labor of moving us, I look to the submissive to generate the labor energy to get the tasks complete.

Reading about autonomous cars brought this analogy to the next level. In the near future, we are going to tell our car where we want to go – and our car is going to figure out the most efficient and most effective route, suggest the best time to leave, and then make it happen, keeping itself in lane automatially. Could we override and adjust those decisions? Sure. But, as any of us who’ve “disobeyed” Waze has likely already concluded, most of the time, it will be easier and better, to let the car do what it needs to do to avoid traffic and get us there safely.

I have always viewed my subs in a similar way. I believe that two minds are better than one, when it comes to problem solving and execution. My sub has a brain, I choose to use it. As my sub gets to know me – my tastes, and my preferences – he becomes more and more like an autonomous vehicle. I communicate my preferences, and then he does the work to figure out what will be the most effective and efficient means to get that done. Sure, I can override his decisions and am free to make adjustments along the way (I may feel like taking a specific route), but most of the time, it is far more practical (and far less stressful) to allow him to do the work to get me where I want to go.

Having a sub, like having a car, makes accomplishing a task easier. I still need to decide where I want to go – and I still need to monitor and adjust – but the better my sub understands and internalizes my preferences and expectations, the more autonomous he becomes, the more valuable he becomes, and the easier life becomes for me.

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair- Advice for Online Introductions

January 5, 2020 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

Being a dominant with a real life as well as online presence, I’m often approached by submissives looking for relationships. Some of those folks are looking for online interaction, but others are hoping for real life, face-to-face, dynamics. Finding a good relationship can be a hard road…Finding one online can be even harder.

The other day, I received a particularly detailed cold call via FetLife PM, entitled, “A shot in the dark – An Excerpt from what I am looking for”. Grammatical incorrectness aside, in it, the sender detailed exactly what he wants to find in a woman, what he’s like, and what he will do for me (more precisely, what I will be able to do to him after we’re together). It was quite thorough and showed that he put a great deal of thought into it. However, it was entirely one-sided and read like the typical calling card of someone who hasn’t taken the time to know anything about me.

I was in a helpful mood (which happens sometimes ), so I replied with a bit of advice:

The trouble with shooting in the dark is that you rarely hit what you’re aiming for. Reading a long essay on a cold-call is not how you get to know someone. It makes a woman feel like ‘any’ woman…and no one wants to be a faceless object, right?

If you want to get to know me, make an effort to know ME. I’m a unique person. Read about me. Read about what I want, what I like, what I’m looking for. Learn who my friends are. If you can’t find something to read, ask me…rather than giving me a reading assignment that describes what YOU want – and offering to submit to me without any consideration of who I am and what I want.

I am left to believe you fired this note off to just about every dominant woman you could find…hoping that your odds of finding someone will increase…but for me, it’s a put-off…and I’m going to pass on this offer for those reasons.

His answer surprised me a bit. Here are snippets from his response:

thanks for the advice….I have tried that approach of personal letters to ladies and have had no better response….after several years of fetlife, I am beginning to think it is a waste of time. […] I think I am just going to quit and leave a profile out there and maybe just maybe someone will see it and initiate conversation because they are interested.

It must really be hard for guys who are honestly looking to find a match in the dominant space. I felt badly for him. I wrote him back the following response – which I think is good advice for all people looking to approach someone, particularly if you’re going to do so online:

To successfully meet someone online, you need to invest some time before reaching out to them. Find something, just a little something – from a profile or from a post they made – that piqued

your interest and made you want to contact them. Perhaps it’s a belief that she voiced, or a position on a subject with which you connect. THEN it makes sense to approach her, to find out more about her and also to share stuff about yourself.

Your introduction was not aimed at finding out about her, it was aimed at finding someone who might be interested in you. Realize it or not, that’s a protection mechanism that is designed to protect you from rejection: By depersonalizing them, you minimize the importance of their opinion. When you paint your own picture of yourself to the level of detail that you did, and ‘buckshot’ it to multiple people you don’t know and ask them to show their interest, you’re waiting to see if the image you’re painting of yourself is attractive to them, before determining if they will be attractive to you – which puts them in a rather vulnerable position. It’s the lazy man’s way of switching the tables and becoming the one making decisions. You’re at minimal risk, if one of the women rejects you, someone who really doesn’t know you isn’t interested – so what, you’re not actually invested in her, and the invitation is out to several others – Maybe you’ll even have several candidates from which to choose! However, once this complete stranger bites and leans in, you get to start to learn more about her, and you are the one deciding if she’s going to be compatible for you. No risk for you, all risk for her. Don’t think she won’t feel this and move to avoid it.

So, what’s the better approach?

View your introduction like you’re doing some research, exploring a person who piqued your interest for some real reason, and made you want to know more. Let her know you’d like to start a dialog with someone with whom you can explore compatibility, together; on equal footing, and with equal risk. You can’t logically expect to start a relationship based on a single note of introduction – so your objective needs to be to start a CORRESPONDENCE.

How do you get someone talking? You ask questions that get them to share about themselves. This lets them know that you care about who they are…and gives them the feeling that relationships are important to you…not frivolous…and that not just ANYONE will do…that THEY interest you and you want to be careful to feel out compatibility – so that you can tell if a relationship is something that might be a possibility – and that you don’t want to waste either of your time. Ask questions that demonstrate your interest and prompt response…response is your goal.

Make sure you hold back some details about yourself, so she can ask questions in return.

THEN you’ve started a conversation…and conversations can lead to wonderful things.

Rika.

Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Rika’s Lair- At The Tip Of My Finger…Literally

December 29, 2019 By Ms. Rika 7 Comments

I’m usually focused on the intent of activity rather than the activity itself. However, today I feel like sharing a little technique that I use from time to time with my submissive. It’s nothing particularly innovative, but he finds it kind of mind-blowing, and I enjoy it from a pure control perspective. If you haven’t tried it, you might like it too.

In my KinkWeekly article “Please Stop” (https://www.kinkweekly.com/special/rikas-lair-please-stop/), I explained how I insist that my sub beg to stop his orgasm, rather than begging to have one. Read the article for more info, if you haven’t read it already.

Although “Please Stop” is a ‘given’ in my sex play, from time to time, just for fun, I feel like hearing some heartfelt, honest begging. It’s a kinky little game for me – a challenge to see how far I can push my sub to desperation.

I’ve played with a number of techniques and have arrived at one that really works well – it’s a one-touch, single-finger tease. As it turns out, using “Please Stop” first, sets this technique up nicely, since I know for certain, that he’s less than 5 seconds from his point of no return when he begs me to stop. This makes the perfect time to “attack the edge” with this technique.

So, I’ll bring him to the point of begging me to stop (usually stopping several times and potentially over several days), then, rather than continuing and bringing him off immediately (within the 5 seconds) when I decide to let him come, I instead switch to a “Feather touch” with just a single finger, barely touching that sweet spot under the head of his penis. The soft touch is a temporary interruption to his progression. It startles him for a second, but then starts to build up to a very intense orgasm – IF I keep my finger on that spot! He’s not usually THAT lucky, however.

The beauty of the one finger technique, is that it slows him down just before he reaches the point of no return, which makes it easy to keep him right on the edge without allowing him to get off. The slightest departure from the sweet spot and his quest for orgasm will drift aimlessly. Lift the finger and everything stops and waits. Put it back and move it lightly, and it starts to build again immediately- almost exactly where you left off. He’s already teased and primed to come…so it’s really playing with a hair trigger…but because it takes extra time for him to trigger, you have so much control. My goal is to keep him hanging, right on the edge of his orgasm, and completely dependent on me to push him over (tie him up first, if you really want complete physical control). Your sub may vary, but mine trembles and glistens and his penis strains for contact. He gets dumb-mouthed. He can’t think straight. It’s the perfect time to prompt him to debase himself, groveling for orgasm while he’s hanging on a thread – literally at my fingertip!

When I decide to go this route, I’m throwing away the 5 second rule and starting the process of teetering him on the edge. I can keep him there for as long as I want. Minutes will feel like hours for him. That’s the time to have him BEG…kiss things…lick things…promise things. It’s pure fun. Plus, it still doesn’t mean he gets to come: If I choose to stop at that point, it’s totally devastating for him…which is

fun too…but when I have him like this, I usually eventually allow his orgasm – it’s just too delicious a build-up to let pass, particularly since my sub is very good at groveling 🙂

And that orgasm, with one finger and a light touch, while he’s shamelessly begging without pride, is quite a show. I don’t do anything but keep the finger engaged. No further contact. Maybe I’ll pull his balls a little, just to give me balance. I don’t speed up the stimulation…I just keep a steady gentle glide over the skin on that 3/4 of an inch of sweet spot, and it happens. It’s not a ruined orgasm, but is an intense and somewhat frustrating orgasm. His body shakes and arches and his heart pounds. It seems to go on for a long time. When he’s done, he’s totally winded…spent, yet wanting more. It usually takes him a few moments to talk straight!

I hope you’ll try this technique with your partner and let me know how it goes for you! Post a comment to this note or write me at, Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Enjoy!

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair-Keeping Your Dynamic Under Wraps

December 22, 2019 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

I often get asked if there are techniques that can be used to keep an active dynamic hidden from prying eyes: Kids, families, friends, etc. The secret (and it’s really no secret) is to recognize that D/s dynamics are between the ears of those involved…and for those not in the know, they can easily be left without any indication of what’s really going on. What you say and how you act are subject to interpretation on the part of the recipient – and therefore have different meanings for your knowing partner than for an unknowing “outsider”.

In our 33 years together, my husband and I have had plenty of experience with this. Our two children – who both left the house when they were close to 24 years old – to this day have no idea the extent of our dynamic. We’ve had our share of live-in guests (for months at a time) as well as neighbors who’ve dropped by unexpectedly, family get togethers, parties, holidays, etc. The dynamic does not need to take a hiatus, or even a back seat, during these times. It just takes a little planning and up-front communications.

Here are some ideas I recommend:

The basics: The submissive commits to being a doting, dedicated, responsive partner – without the dominant needing to manipulate them. The sub pays attention to the dominant and disciplines them self to remain focused on the dominant’s needs, without being all outwardly slavish. This is good practice, even without the need to keep things under wraps – and it’s what I’ve been conveying in this column for months! 2. If the dominant asks for something to be done, the sub does it as if it’s an order. The sub maintains focus on the dominant, which gives the opportunity for the sub to proactively recommend things that they can do for the dominant – who then only needs to politely accept or decline them. The sub can offer a massage rather than being told to do one. Offer to cook dinner – and then just clean up after, without any words. Keep the house clean as if they actually want to see it clean! If the sub sees the dominant dealing with something, they offer to help. Proactive suggestions make it easy for the dominant to simply ALLOW service to happen without raising suspicion around them. The sub simply appears to be a caring, selfless partner – the envy of those around them! 3. Establish an inconspicuous hand signal, gesture, or phrase for the dominant that says, “This is not an order…I really want your input” – This will make doing suggestion #2 (interpreting every request as an order) more realistic. Using this signal, if the dominant asks, “Do you want to go to the movies?”, the sub knows that the real question is “what do you really want?” and would answer truthfully. Whereas, if no signal is given, the question, “Do you want to go to the movies” means “We’re going to the movies”- and a more correct answer might be, “Yes! Do you have a film you want to see, or do you want me to pick one that we might like?” (which, of course, really means, “YOU would like”). 4. Establish another pair of hand signals, gestures, or phrases that say either, “Good sub… You’re doing a great job of serving me!” – AND – “Hey…you aren’t living up to your end of this agreement…snap to it!” This gives the dominant a way of providing feedback on how the arrangement is going at the time, letting the sub know that the dominant is active and involved with the dynamic, and also giving the dominant a way of letting the sub know that they recognize their efforts and also inform them if they’re missing something that they could be doing. 5. If BDSM activities are part of the dynamic, some activities will have to be curtailed. You’ll need to forego impact play and anything that generates loud sounds, moans or screams. However, you can certainly use bondage, clamps, clothespins, icy hot, anal toys, T&D, chastity, gags, etc. There are PLENTY of things that can be done that don’t generate anything but hard breathing or a low moan! Orgasm control is always a good quiet, private practice…If the dominant chooses to, the sub might go as long as the two months that the sub’s brother is living in the house, without ever getting more than REALLY CLOSE to an orgasm! Of course, the sub would have to keep the begging under control…no matter how desperate they become (poor baby!)!

These are all things that don’t “show” to the outside world. The dynamic is between the two partners and does not need to extend outside of their mutual understanding. There is a bit of maturity and self- discipline required to make it work – but that’s actually really good practice for when guests aren’t around and you just want your dynamic to extend into your lifestyle.

Hope these ideas help. Have fun!

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

The Gift Of Kneel

December 15, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly (and sometimes, more frequent) column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

Last week, I got a note from a man who, with his wife, had read my first book, “Uniquely Rika” as well as my latest, “Uniquely Dominant”. He highlighted the chapter from “Uniquely Rika” called, “Simple Gifts”. Simple gifts are little things a dominant can do that give their subs a quick moment of pleasure, by playing to their personal desires – particularly ones that don’t fall into the dominant’s definition of submission. They are given without provocation or cause and are not considered submission to the dominant. These are easy things done by the dominant, for the submissive.

From “Uniquely Rika”:

[Sometimes, the things subs ask for do not match your definition of what serves you…] The good news is that, once you know what they are, you can choose to give them to him, or not. The intent of a gift is found in the context of the Underlying Relationship. You could give them to him even if you weren’t in a D/s-oriented relationship! This is no different from catering to a partner’s fantasies. So, feel free if you like.

Sometimes a gift can entail a prolonged scene with complex predicaments, however, gifts can also be quick, simple, and easy to give, yet still leave a lasting impression.

Remember, these are not acts of dominance, these are sub-centric activities. They are ‘Simple Gifts’.

Simple gifts, by definition, are not elaborate. They can be as quick as making a sub thank you for doing something for you…or can be as seemingly random as making them hold their breath and stand on one leg for as long as you wish…just because you said so. It could be having them do something that you know they enjoy, but you don’t particularly feel serves you. The idea of a simple gift is to let your submissive know that you care about their desires, even if you don’t define those as submission to you. They give the sub a little jolt of excitement, without having to do a whole bunch of stuff yourself. Simple for you, but very effective for them.

In his note, he told me how his wife had been experimenting with my methodology and had arrived at a definition of submission that served her. They had been practicing the “Routine Task List Exercise” from “Uniquely Rika”, as well as the “Egyptian Pharaoh” exercise from “Uniquely Dominant”. He is spending every moment of the day focused on her and what he can do for her, and loving it.

What prompted him to write had happened that morning. His wife was putting on her makeup in the bathroom and he was just outside the door folding laundry. Without warning, she turned to him, snapped her fingers, pointed to the ground behind her and said, “Kneel”. He immediately stopped his chores and did as he was instructed, quickly finding himself staring at her behind as she leaned over the sink to get close to the mirror. He loved her backside, particularly kneeling in front of it…and she knew it. She didn’t do anything more to acknowledge him. She just left him there as she continued to work over her makeup. Every once in a while, she’d look over her shoulder at him and softly chuckle before returning to the mirror.

When she was done, she pushed her butt back a bit until it touched his face. She waited there for a moment. He wrote that he wanted to kiss her ass more than anything in the world at the moment, but she never told him to. She just held it there, in contact for a few seconds, testing his self-discipline. Then she turned to face him and squatted down to run her hand across his crotch. Satisfied that he was sufficiently turned on, she lifted his chin until their eyes met and smiled gently at him before giving him a kiss on the lips. Then she stood up and left the room. He knelt there in the bathroom alone, until she called out to him to rise. Then he went back to finish folding the laundry.

The rest of his day was a normal day of service. He wrote how invigorated the morning’s events had left him and how much he loved her for showing how much she cares about him. He knew this was a treat designed for him. This wasn’t an act of submission. It was just something she chose to do for him – that she knew he’d enjoy. It took no effort on her part. It wasn’t designed to make him feel more submissive or to serve her better, because he already served her to the best of his ability – it was just a gift from her to him. A single word, “Kneel”, created a complete story of mutual fulfillment, caring, and acknowledgement. He wrote of his gratitude, both to his wife for the treats which she chooses to bestow upon him, and to me, for introducing her to “Simple Gifts”!

I thought I’d share it this week with you!

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Ms. Rika

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