Ms. Rika

Rika’s Lair-Keeping Your Dynamic Under Wraps

December 22, 2019 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

I often get asked if there are techniques that can be used to keep an active dynamic hidden from prying eyes: Kids, families, friends, etc. The secret (and it’s really no secret) is to recognize that D/s dynamics are between the ears of those involved…and for those not in the know, they can easily be left without any indication of what’s really going on. What you say and how you act are subject to interpretation on the part of the recipient – and therefore have different meanings for your knowing partner than for an unknowing “outsider”.

In our 33 years together, my husband and I have had plenty of experience with this. Our two children – who both left the house when they were close to 24 years old – to this day have no idea the extent of our dynamic. We’ve had our share of live-in guests (for months at a time) as well as neighbors who’ve dropped by unexpectedly, family get togethers, parties, holidays, etc. The dynamic does not need to take a hiatus, or even a back seat, during these times. It just takes a little planning and up-front communications.

Here are some ideas I recommend:

The basics: The submissive commits to being a doting, dedicated, responsive partner – without the dominant needing to manipulate them. The sub pays attention to the dominant and disciplines them self to remain focused on the dominant’s needs, without being all outwardly slavish. This is good practice, even without the need to keep things under wraps – and it’s what I’ve been conveying in this column for months! 2. If the dominant asks for something to be done, the sub does it as if it’s an order. The sub maintains focus on the dominant, which gives the opportunity for the sub to proactively recommend things that they can do for the dominant – who then only needs to politely accept or decline them. The sub can offer a massage rather than being told to do one. Offer to cook dinner – and then just clean up after, without any words. Keep the house clean as if they actually want to see it clean! If the sub sees the dominant dealing with something, they offer to help. Proactive suggestions make it easy for the dominant to simply ALLOW service to happen without raising suspicion around them. The sub simply appears to be a caring, selfless partner – the envy of those around them! 3. Establish an inconspicuous hand signal, gesture, or phrase for the dominant that says, “This is not an order…I really want your input” – This will make doing suggestion #2 (interpreting every request as an order) more realistic. Using this signal, if the dominant asks, “Do you want to go to the movies?”, the sub knows that the real question is “what do you really want?” and would answer truthfully. Whereas, if no signal is given, the question, “Do you want to go to the movies” means “We’re going to the movies”- and a more correct answer might be, “Yes! Do you have a film you want to see, or do you want me to pick one that we might like?” (which, of course, really means, “YOU would like”). 4. Establish another pair of hand signals, gestures, or phrases that say either, “Good sub… You’re doing a great job of serving me!” – AND – “Hey…you aren’t living up to your end of this agreement…snap to it!” This gives the dominant a way of providing feedback on how the arrangement is going at the time, letting the sub know that the dominant is active and involved with the dynamic, and also giving the dominant a way of letting the sub know that they recognize their efforts and also inform them if they’re missing something that they could be doing. 5. If BDSM activities are part of the dynamic, some activities will have to be curtailed. You’ll need to forego impact play and anything that generates loud sounds, moans or screams. However, you can certainly use bondage, clamps, clothespins, icy hot, anal toys, T&D, chastity, gags, etc. There are PLENTY of things that can be done that don’t generate anything but hard breathing or a low moan! Orgasm control is always a good quiet, private practice…If the dominant chooses to, the sub might go as long as the two months that the sub’s brother is living in the house, without ever getting more than REALLY CLOSE to an orgasm! Of course, the sub would have to keep the begging under control…no matter how desperate they become (poor baby!)!

These are all things that don’t “show” to the outside world. The dynamic is between the two partners and does not need to extend outside of their mutual understanding. There is a bit of maturity and self- discipline required to make it work – but that’s actually really good practice for when guests aren’t around and you just want your dynamic to extend into your lifestyle.

Hope these ideas help. Have fun!

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

The Gift Of Kneel

December 15, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly (and sometimes, more frequent) column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

Last week, I got a note from a man who, with his wife, had read my first book, “Uniquely Rika” as well as my latest, “Uniquely Dominant”. He highlighted the chapter from “Uniquely Rika” called, “Simple Gifts”. Simple gifts are little things a dominant can do that give their subs a quick moment of pleasure, by playing to their personal desires – particularly ones that don’t fall into the dominant’s definition of submission. They are given without provocation or cause and are not considered submission to the dominant. These are easy things done by the dominant, for the submissive.

From “Uniquely Rika”:

[Sometimes, the things subs ask for do not match your definition of what serves you…] The good news is that, once you know what they are, you can choose to give them to him, or not. The intent of a gift is found in the context of the Underlying Relationship. You could give them to him even if you weren’t in a D/s-oriented relationship! This is no different from catering to a partner’s fantasies. So, feel free if you like.

Sometimes a gift can entail a prolonged scene with complex predicaments, however, gifts can also be quick, simple, and easy to give, yet still leave a lasting impression.

Remember, these are not acts of dominance, these are sub-centric activities. They are ‘Simple Gifts’.

Simple gifts, by definition, are not elaborate. They can be as quick as making a sub thank you for doing something for you…or can be as seemingly random as making them hold their breath and stand on one leg for as long as you wish…just because you said so. It could be having them do something that you know they enjoy, but you don’t particularly feel serves you. The idea of a simple gift is to let your submissive know that you care about their desires, even if you don’t define those as submission to you. They give the sub a little jolt of excitement, without having to do a whole bunch of stuff yourself. Simple for you, but very effective for them.

In his note, he told me how his wife had been experimenting with my methodology and had arrived at a definition of submission that served her. They had been practicing the “Routine Task List Exercise” from “Uniquely Rika”, as well as the “Egyptian Pharaoh” exercise from “Uniquely Dominant”. He is spending every moment of the day focused on her and what he can do for her, and loving it.

What prompted him to write had happened that morning. His wife was putting on her makeup in the bathroom and he was just outside the door folding laundry. Without warning, she turned to him, snapped her fingers, pointed to the ground behind her and said, “Kneel”. He immediately stopped his chores and did as he was instructed, quickly finding himself staring at her behind as she leaned over the sink to get close to the mirror. He loved her backside, particularly kneeling in front of it…and she knew it. She didn’t do anything more to acknowledge him. She just left him there as she continued to work over her makeup. Every once in a while, she’d look over her shoulder at him and softly chuckle before returning to the mirror.

When she was done, she pushed her butt back a bit until it touched his face. She waited there for a moment. He wrote that he wanted to kiss her ass more than anything in the world at the moment, but she never told him to. She just held it there, in contact for a few seconds, testing his self-discipline. Then she turned to face him and squatted down to run her hand across his crotch. Satisfied that he was sufficiently turned on, she lifted his chin until their eyes met and smiled gently at him before giving him a kiss on the lips. Then she stood up and left the room. He knelt there in the bathroom alone, until she called out to him to rise. Then he went back to finish folding the laundry.

The rest of his day was a normal day of service. He wrote how invigorated the morning’s events had left him and how much he loved her for showing how much she cares about him. He knew this was a treat designed for him. This wasn’t an act of submission. It was just something she chose to do for him – that she knew he’d enjoy. It took no effort on her part. It wasn’t designed to make him feel more submissive or to serve her better, because he already served her to the best of his ability – it was just a gift from her to him. A single word, “Kneel”, created a complete story of mutual fulfillment, caring, and acknowledgement. He wrote of his gratitude, both to his wife for the treats which she chooses to bestow upon him, and to me, for introducing her to “Simple Gifts”!

I thought I’d share it this week with you!

Rika.

Rika’s Lair

November 23, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

I was recently having a conversation with a friend on FetLife, who was lamenting that none of the women he met have been willing to control his orgasm. He referred to it as his “Chastity Fetish”.

When we first started talking, I was under the impression that it had to be chastity itself…the use of a device to make him unable to orgasm. However, in discussing what turned him on, it became clear that it wasn’t the device, but rather the control it gave his partner, that excited him. He had read my book, “The Joy of Denial” and found that the depictions of women deliberately building desire in a man, only to control him through control of that very same desire, pushed his buttons the right way. He recognized that the key he truly wanted was for control to be in his partner’s hands…and not necessarily, a physical key. He asked me if I thought there’d be more women interested in controlling a man’s orgasm without a device than with one and whether the lack of success he had found in finding a “keyholder” was due to that.

My response was that, from my experience, there are certainly more women who would enjoy deciding if/when their partner gets to come without a device than with one. I’m not knocking chastity devices, but to some people, the device is often off-putting: Requiring cleaning, privacy, baggy clothing, pomp and circumstance, maintenance, fear of disclosure, etc. Plus, it’s always there, always pulling attention to itself and to the guy’s plight. This makes the dynamic sub-centric. Having the power to have final word on a guy’s orgasm is something we can enjoy, with or without a device – so the odds of finding someone to control yours will be better if you’re not requiring a device. That’s just simple math.

Our conversation then turned to ways he can improve the success rate in general terms. I explained that every woman will be different, and that my advice would not be true for all people he met…but that most women I know (and me) would enjoy controlling their man’s orgasms – under certain conditions:

He does not become demanding of their attention, just because it’s been a while When orgasm control becomes annoying is when the guy starts to push and hint and worse, act up, because it’s been a while since his last orgasm. The bottom line is that the longer he goes without an orgasm, the more he’s thinking about his denial. HIS awareness of his denial is escalating, but hers may not be changing at all. This widens the gap of perception and impact between them. When this gets out of balance, some guys begin to get pushy…demanding attention. This is not the right way to handle it. I would prefer the guy ask me for that attention: “Please Rika, it’s been a really long time and I’m aching. Please consider allowing me to orgasm sometime soon“. And then, that’s it. He’s put it out there and I’ve heard him…it’s under advisement…now it’s back to my time frames.
He does not lose his aggressiveness and initiative This is probably the thing that drives most women away from orgasm denial. The fear that the man will become docile and won’t show his desire for us. There is a difference between a man showing desire for a woman and showing desire for his own orgasm. There’s a difference between him being turned on by her, and him being turned on by what she’s doing to him. If a

man wants a woman to enjoy denying him, he needs to show her that SHE is the object of his desire…not just the denial. We all want to feel special. She’s THE woman he’s with…not just “A woman who is keeping him chaste”. She likely still wants to see him initiate action, be assertive and aggressive and to show his desire of her. Of course, resolution is now at her whim, but that doesn’t mean he should become passive (unless that’s what she wants…in which case, trust me, she’ll tell him!)

He does not become all wimpy and weak This goes with the last bullet. The guy can’t become a sniveling worm because she controls when he gets to orgasm. Chances are, she got to know him before he introduced this control concept to her. She likes him enough to consider this. That can’t change. He needs to be himself…the person she likes.
It’s his responsibility to avoid orgasm Sometimes, women shy away from orgasm control because they are unsure of their own ability to actually anticipate and control that orgasm. There is a myth that there is this special tell-tale signal that precedes an orgasm that, if you can become in tuned to, will result in perfect timing every time. It’s simply not true and it causes a great deal of anxiety and fear of failure. A woman can get to know her partner very well…but if he’s trying to hide the signs, or has a bad day, or just is normal, it is VERY hard to achieve perfect timing, every time. There WILL be mistakes, there will be ineffective attempts at spin off (where the guy isn’t really close). If a guy wants this to work, he doesn’t want to put pressure on her to master the art of reading him. She will not enjoy his denial; it will be a chore rather than the powerful control that’s desired.

Better, as far as I’m concerned, is to put the onus on the guy to let me know when he’s close…and shift that responsibility back on him. “Tell me when you’re really close and I’ll decide if I let you orgasm” is a very effective way of doing that. Exactly how a couple implements that will depend on their tastes: Guys usually want to beg for orgasm (“Can I come…please?“). As I’ve written in my article “Please Stop”, I personally don’t want to hear that…I prefer to have them beg me to stop (“Please stop, or I will orgasm“). There’s also the “number system”, where the guy tells the woman exactly where he is on his orgasm progression by using a number between 1 and 10, where 10 is “Too late”. They need to experiment, and the guy needs to follow whatever she finds more pleasing.

Regardless of the method, I like to put a check and balance into place to avoid the guy “cheating” about how close he is to an orgasm. As I wrote in “Please Stop” and my other books, I implement the 5 second rule: If he tells me he’s close, he’d better be. If I decide to let him orgasm, he has to start to come within a 5 count, or he won’t be coming, guaranteeing that the onus of “perfect timing” falls on him. I like the irony that he has to become his own executioner and be so active in creating his own frustration.

Armed with this approach, he’s going back out to try to introduce orgasm control to his partners. I hope to hear back that he has success! I hope also, that you too get some insights that will help you.

Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,

Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair- Identity and Role

November 17, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

I hope you’ve been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I was working with a couple dealing with conflicts of identity and role. Several months ago, the woman reached out to me on Fetlife, asking for help convincing her husband/master to extend their bedroom dynamic into a lifestyle. After building an e-friendship, the three of us got together to see if I could help them.

They had been married for 15 years and had incorporated BDSM-like activities in the bedroom. As we chatted, I learned their story: They were high school sweethearts, remained friends through college, and found each other again once both had hit the workforce. They had a short romance and married. About eight years into the marriage, and a few unsuccessful attempts at starting a family, they were dealing with stress in the bedroom. They had played with power dynamics in their early years and decided to use that to rekindle the flame in the bedroom. She took on the submissive role and he became her “Master”.

Over the next five years, their playtime increased. She was, by far, the instigator. She was active on Fetlife and spent a lot of her time reading up on BDSM toys and techniques. She introduced new ideas to try. He learned as much as he could, took a seminar on rope work in San Francisco, and a class on flogging at a local bookstore. A year before she reached out to me, she had suggested bringing another man into the equation as her husband’s second sub. It was not received well. They fought about it and it put a crimp in their dynamic’s progress. They had been searching for solutions, since.

As I often do, I had separate conversations with each of them, trying to understand the way they viewed their dynamic and looking for differences to discuss. They had some, but interestingly, the most telling outcome wasn’t in their differences, rather, in one particular similarity they shared: The intent with which they BOTH approached their dynamic was the same: To please HER!

If you’ve been reading my articles, and if you’ve read any of my books on D/s dynamics, you know I’m a strong proponent of dominant-centric submission: I ask the dominant to introspect and answer the question, “What do YOU really want?” as a means of assuring that the definition of submission is based on the preferences of the dominant.

In this situation, everything about their power dynamic revolved around her preferences. He was the dominant, but he was entirely focused on perfecting his behavior to maximize her reaction to it. His pleasure in their dynamic was, “The joy of knowing I can please her”. He showed me a few books and articles she had given him, in which she had highlighted the scenes she enjoyed and wanted to try. He shared that when they complete a scene, she tells him what worked and what didn’t, and what he should do more or less of. When I asked him how he measures his ability as a dominant, he laughed and answered, “I ask her!” And most telling, when I asked him what she does for him – that truly serves HIM, he couldn’t grasp that it was NOT a redundant question, and that he had not already answered it!

Most people won’t enjoy dominating if their submissive isn’t enjoying submitting. However, this level of direction from her struck me as an issue. It was clear that no matter how many honorifics you put before

his name, he was NOT the dominant in their relationship! This wasn’t a case of “topping from below” – because he didn’t appear to be all that interested in being “above”. Also, she wasn’t complaining about his style of dominance or lack of creativity. She was scripting it.

This led to a pointed discussion with her. Our previous conversations focused on her stated desire to extend their dynamic into a full-time lifestyle, but now I was questioning her motivation. Was she really ready to let him change his style of dominance to a lifestyle, where his preferences were primary? Did she just want more “topping” or did she really want her husband to demand more for himself? Would she even be able to stand that?

I probed in these areas. At the end of the conversation, she admitted to being the natural dominant in their relationship and, more importantly, that she really had no interest in actually serving anyone. She enjoyed having him focused on serving her preferences and liked the fact that he was fulfilled by her pleasure. Still, she enjoyed being the slave. He had become adept at the techniques she taught him. He was a good student (as are most good submissives).

She was having a bit of an identity crisis; not being able to rationalize her desire to enjoy the endorphin rush, moments of helplessness, and release that BDSM provided, against her natural dominance. She was conflicted…and searching for a change.

Things became clarified. Since we now agreed that she was the real dominant in the relationship, I asked HER: “What do you REALLY want?”

Ultimately, she wanted a “Service Top”. She didn’t realize such a thing existed: A submissive who, as part of their service to their dominant, acts as the top in BDSM scenarios. In all other ways, she enjoyed her husband’s submissive nature. In fact, she intimated that she might like to extend his role as her submissive – provided she could still “Demand” a master in the bedroom. He seemed quite agreeable to that notion.

As I said in my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant”, you never know what a situation really entails when you’re on the outside of the window looking in. You need to individualize your dynamics and flow where preferences take you. It’s not WHAT you do, it’s WHY you do what you do.

As for these two, only time will tell where this will go. I will keep track of their progress and try to help out with any other complications that arise. By the time this article reaches publication, it’s likely that a couple of more months will have gone by. If you’re interested in their progress, contact me here or on Fetlife…or via email (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com).

Rika.

I’ve Got To Be Me

November 2, 2019 By Ms. Rika 7 Comments

I often get emails from couples asking for the secret to creating realistic, lifestyle power dynamics within their relationships. They want to know how I grew into the dynamics I have with my submissives. They want to know if there are ways to approach a 24/7 D/s lifestyle that are more successful than others.

Of course, there is no secret – however, there are some considerations that are very straight forward, and contain very basic, common sense.

The important point in 24/7 lifestyle dynamics is that you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not, when conducting a lifestyle arrangement. Playing a role or assuming a persona will work for scene-based, time-bounded sessions, where you can pretend to be a particular person for an hour, a day, a weekend, maybe even a week – but ultimately, you need to return to who you really are. No one can pretend to be someone they’re not, every minute of every day, with no end in sight; not without it taking some serious tolls on your psyche and sense of happiness.

I, and almost everyone I’ve met, started their D/s experiences doing scenes of some kind. For me, I had a boyfriend who used to make bets that he knew he would lose, but pretended he thought he could win, making the stakes that the loser would be the slave of the winner for the weekend. In those days, “being the slave” meant getting tied up, being spanked, being put in mildly degrading positions (like kissing feet or ass, not speaking unless given permission, never allowing his head to be above mine, etc.) and being sexually out of control. Being the dominant (which always was me) entailed dressing in leather and boots and being wickedly evil and demanding. It was good kinky fun.

But after the weekends, we would go through a period of disconnect: I was ready to go back to our regular relationship – and he was ready to make this lifestyle a full-time gig. I always enjoyed playing the games, but when I thought about making it my life, it couldn’t stick with me. The persona I assumed during those games wasn’t me. Even though it was me having fun playing a game…it wasn’t something I would want to live – the persona was not someone I identified as “me”.

The “progression point” was realizing that being the dominant in a lifestyle power dynamic is about being who you are naturally, and having a partner who submits to THAT person. In other words, I am me…and my partner agrees to submit to me. In order to do that, I need to define what submission to me means: What I like, what I feel serves me, what pleases me – and communicate that to my partner. He then has to adapt his submission to deliver that. I don’t change who I am.

This was not always natural for my partners, who often grew up on porn imagery. I had to insist on dynamics the way I wanted them. I was unwilling to base a 24/7 lifestyle on sessions. The logic was, I would never be happy unless I am who I am. And my submissive could never be happy unless his submission was viewed as actual service – by me. This logic is irrefutable. The fact that I was more than willing to dominate my men, quite strictly, as long as they submitted the way I wanted, was an irresistible draw. They went along with the deal and quickly grew to understand how much more fulfilling submitting to a dominant who is not acting could be.

Today, rather than defining dominance as a role that I play, my dominance can be defined as accepting my sub’s efforts to fulfill my definition of submission. Some of those BDSM kinks still are in play – the ones that really serve me. Other kinks still come out during playtime – but are viewed by both of us as more topping than dominance. His submission is based on my preferences, my imagery, my wishes.

I’m not fitting imagery to play the role of dominant…I AM the imagery of a dominant – for my unique dynamic, with my unique partner. Being dominant is being me. I am my own definition of dominance. You can be yours.

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-One Sided Negotiations

October 20, 2019 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

This week, I’d like to share a little fun I have on those occasions when I feel like playing with power dynamics in scenes. These are not my definition of submission for my sub, they’re situations where I just feel like putting my power out there on display and playfully enjoy rubbing my sub’s nose in it, a bit.

Being the dominant affords me the right to flaunt my authority from time to time. Being the sub means that sometimes, my partner is going to have to deal with inequities…and, if I choose to leverage that my whim is his gospel, he’s just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!

There are innumerous ways to demonstrate capricious control. Here are two that I particularly enjoy. Both relate to the façade of “negotiation”, where I’m willing negotiate with my partner – Only, since I’m holding all of the cards – the “negotiation” is completely one-sided.

1) The Lesser of Two Evils The first “technique” is when I open a negotiation by allowing him to argue for what he interprets as the lesser of two evils. He doesn’t get to choose one, he gets to try to convince me to choose the one he would rather have. He’s not going to avoid having to endure something he doesn’t like, he’s going to be allowed to negotiate to get the one he dislikes less.

I know the things he really doesn’t enjoy…so, I choose two, set them against each other in a “This-or- That”, and let him negotiate to receive one. To motivate the most from the bargaining, you have to make one at least a little less distasteful than the other: “Today you’re going to be caned on the bottoms of your feet (something he doesn’t like), or you’re going to eat dogfood from the soles of my boots (something he REALLY doesn’t like)…convince me to choose one”.

This leads to a very interesting negotiation. First, the irony of having to negotiate for something you don’t like is difficult enough…and I’m going to insist that his negotiations are heart-felt or he won’t be able to convince me. Secondly, there isn’t much he can offer that I can’t have anyway…since he’s my sub and already has committed to do whatever I want him to. Not only could I get anything he can offer without making concessions, but if I wanted him to, he’d be enduring both things anyway. He has to work pretty hard.

This is a really powerful and fun technique. As those who have read my first book, “Uniquely Rika” know, irony can be used to demonstrate power. This is certainly one of those situations! He has to face his helplessness in this context, and has to face that something unpleasant is going to happen, simply because I deem it so.

2) Just Before the Point of No Return Those who have read my books or even my previous articles, know that I enjoy Tease & Denial games (See my “Please Stop… article in KinkWeekly”). One of the best times to establish a one-sided negotiation is when a sub has been teased and denied to the point that he’s ready to offer just about anything for release. Again, as his dominant, I can have anything I want, anytime I want…this is just a fun

game that enhances his feeling of desperation and builds to a more enjoyable scene (T&D does not create submission…it creates desire that I control – and hence creates dependence on my whim for his pleasure. Fun for both of us )

The technique is to get him very close to orgasm and then hold him at the edge without going over. The longer you can hold him on the edge, the more powerful this negotiation becomes. I’ve found this to be easier if you get him to the edge using a feather touch…just a single finger, strategically placed on the most sensitive spots. I will use full hand motions and stroking until he gets to the “Please Stop” point, then shift to a single finger under the frenum and continue building him like that until he’s a second away…and then just stop contact. I have found that guys will float right at the edge of orgasm for many seconds until they start to calm down a bit, and then, another feather touch will quickly bring them back to that point – over and over again. If you know your sub’s body, you can keep him there as long as you please. The light touch slows his progress down enough to allow you to get the timing just right.

This is when I start the “negotiation”. It can start with simple things and grow as you wish: ”Kiss my ass if you want a chance to orgasm”…”If I let you orgasm, do you agree to eat it all up?” (They love that one)…”Make up a poem for me…right now!”…”I want a new car!” You can be as random as you like and demand as many things as you want…make the tasks as difficult as you wish. Let him convince you to let him orgasm. He’ll fall all over himself trying to fulfill his end of the negotiation.

Or, you can introduce a predicament. I was shown a video where a dominant had her sub at this point, and offered him the option of having intercourse without an orgasm, or getting an orgasm without intercourse. It was sweet to watch him try to process that choice (after a great deal of deliberation during which she continued his brutal tease, he opt’d for the orgasm, which she promptly ruined).

If you want to have some fun…try these techniques with your submissive. Let your imagination run free! Reach out to me and tell me how you like them!

Rika.

Ms. Rika (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com) is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A-Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair – Female Dominance and Role Reversal

September 22, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

I’ve recently heard the term “Role Reversal” used in the context of female-led power dynamics and it struck me that this is likely a source of confusion for many couples. I thought I would explore that here today. NOTE: For this discussion, I’m deliberately ignoring the misogynistic implication of the presumption that males are naturally the dominant partner, and allowing that stereotype to influence my response. I’ll leave that battle to another discussion!

The common notion is that when a woman is the dominant in a relationship, she is taking on the stereotypical male role. For example: FLR (Female Led Relationship) is often described as the “1950’s man of the house” role now being assumed by the woman. Or when a woman wants to be the aggressor in the bedroom, the stereotypical imagery of the dominant male in leather and chains, must be transitioned for her to be believable. The porn-industry takes this to the extreme: It’s almost mandatory that videos with female dominants have at least one scene where the women are “pegging” guys with strap-ons…or the men are sucking their heels “like it’s a cock”. Basically, the message is that role reversal means “a woman acting like a man”; penetrating their submissives and getting their “cocks” sucked.

Unfortunately, many people – both men and women – believe this to be true. Many submissive men only will seek women who follow that trope and even try to insist on it, in order to consider her to be dominant. I speak to many women (in and out the D/s realm) who fall into the trap of assuming that “being like a man” equates to freedom and independence – that equality is achieved through mimicry. Maybe that IS what they want to do, but the presumption of “male behavior equaling dominant behavior” overrides the process of individual discovery.

Many women want to break away from the docile role and seek freedom and independence: Fact. However, many men and women struggle with the notion that a woman who wants independence and freedom may want something different than what a man wants. I have met way too many women who won’t consider being the dominant in a relationship, because they don’t want that stereotype. They end up missing out on something that could be very fulfilling for them.

So, when we think about changing our roles and define role reversal in this way, we end up limiting ourselves by restricting our own expectations. We basically allow our standards to be set based on a stereotypical scale, rather than determining what being a dominant really means to us – defining what “submission to us” entails – and then setting out to create that in our relationships. If you’re going to be a dominant (male or female), step one is to introspect and determine what you want, regardless of the stereotypes.

I know this from experience. When I was younger and found myself in relationships where I was in control, I found a thrill in “acting like a guy”. I found myself being rough and demanding, dressing strong, yelling, striking. It was a strange feeling, because although I was enjoying the power, I wasn’t being myself. These scenarios would last for relatively short periods of time – usually a couple of hours, or

occasionally a day or a weekend at most. It worked for scene-based relationships. But as my relationships matured, the prospect of transitioning that to a full-time, lifestyle D/s dynamic was downright terrifying to me. I could never pretend to be someone that I’m not…not for the rest of my life! I almost missed out on what was my second most fulfilling dynamic (the first being motherhood). Life for me changed when I realized that being a dominant in a D/s relationship in which the submissive is focused on MY definition of submission, is not only more fulfilling, but is doable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year – because I remain who I am and am not trying to play a role.

So, my recommendation for all of you budding dominants…and even those who are deep into the scene and looking to extend it to a lifestyle dynamic: This is not “Role Reversal”, because no one is already in YOUR role. The definition of YOUR role is unique. Throw away your preconceived notions of “what dominants do” – and introspect on what makes you happy…whatever that is. Identify what you want, then define submission to be all that enables whatever that is. Communicate that to your submissive. Then enjoy!

– Rika

Rika’s Lair-A Lesson in T&D From The Golf Goddesses

September 15, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

This week, I thought I’d discuss a comical correlation that “dawned” on me. My husband is an avid golfer. He absolutely loves the game and I enjoy giving him the time to play it, as much as possible, but apparently, as it is for many folks, it’s kind of a love/hate relationship for him – and it makes me laugh.

Let’s face it, there are very few true “experts” when it comes to golf, and at any time, even the best fall victim to the level of their incompetence. For the average golfer, practice and preparation increase the odds of success, but they’re only odds…and failure is inevitable. My husband’s game is good, but not great. He’s scoring in the low to mid 80s and will occasionally break into the high 70s. But he will also have days in the 90s. Jimmy Demaret is credited with the quote, “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at” and it seems to be true.

When my husband comes home, he tells me about the good and the bad of the day – and I laugh inside. I laugh because he is completely unaware that the Golf Gods are clearly women…and they are executing the PERFECT T&D on his tortured soul!

On many occasions, in my books and writings, I’ve asserted that Tease and Denial is more effective than Denial alone. I’ve pointed out that HOPE is the major contributor to anticipation, which is then the major contributor to excitement. Someone who knows they will be denied, without the hope of orgasm will protect themselves and lower their libido, and the denial will not be as effective. But a person who honestly has hope / belief that THIS time is THE time, will be far more devastated (in a good way) when denial is imposed.

The Golf Goddesses have my total respect. They have their act together! No matter how bad a golfer is, no matter how bad their day is going, the Golf Goddesses have a way of throwing that miraculous shot, that one carrot – that boomer that arcs high in the air, has a slight draw, hits the green just past the hole, and BACKS UP toward it. Did you see that shot? Tiger would be proud to have had that shot! Arnie just rolled in his grave. THAT’S the shot you’ll remember every time you tee off. It’s what you’ll talk about with your buddies for the rest of the year. It’s the shot that brings you back…for more. The Golf Goddesses are brilliant practitioners of Tease and Denial, for they give you just enough to believe you have a chance. They give you the hope that Today is THE day! But as avid golfers have told me, they are selective in their gifts. One day, they’ll give you great irons, but take away your putter. Another day, you’ll putt like Jack Nicholas, if you could only “hit a green”. Brilliant…Just Brilliant! Rename it to “TEES” and Denial!

My aim, as dominant to my submissive and the “Golf-Goddess-equivalent” of his orgasm, is to provide that same anticipation and excitement. I want to introduce the element of HOPE. Today may be THE day! I want to make him want to come back for more, no matter how frustrating it is for him. The frustration makes that moment of success so much more delicious…So appreciated…So memorable.

This is why total denial doesn’t really work for me. Never getting an orgasm will cause him to dread a round. Rather, I want him to anticipate it, dream about it, desire it. From time to time, I’ll allow him that wonderful moment…and sometimes, he won’t even have to wait long for it. Sometimes he might get three great shots in a row – without any frustration. Which will help him through those droughts where he may go a very long time without.

I guess the only difference between golf and T&D for my husband, is that he might get less frustration in golf – if he continues to play and practice. The Golf Goddesses are generous that way. Not so, at my hands 🙂

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Avoiding Ineffective Motivation

August 18, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

The catalyst for this article is a discussion I had with a man who was looking for advice on creating a contract with his wife that would deepen his dependence on her, as a means to deepen his enslavement to her. His goal was to make himself entirely financially dependent on her by shifting all of their assets into her name, signing a nuptial agreement to provide him no rights in the event of a separation, arranging for direct deposit of his income into accounts in her name, and establishing a single account to which he would have access, into which she could deposit his allowance. He also sought out means to make her his health proxy as well as giving her general power of attorney over him. Effectively making him as indentured as he could be, legally. He’s located in a Scandinavian country and had to deal with the laws there, and was looking for ways to transfer the assets without tax implication for her…and seemed to find a way to do it (through a fairly convoluted sequence of divorce proceedings, prenups, and machinations that I don’t pretend to fully understand).

My point in this article is not the legality, or even the feasibility, of such agreements – whether in Scandinavia, the US, or in any country. Rather, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I had as we discussed his intentions. I was wondering if he was going through this manipulation of justice for any real impact. I wondered if things will actually change between them, despite the fact that his wife was in favor of the arrangement and even felt empowered by it. I doubted that this would be an effective change…here’s my rationale:

Police will tell you that owning a gun will not provide you any self-defense if you’re not willing to potentially kill someone. For the average caring person, the consequences of pulling the trigger while pointing the gun at another human will cause you to hesitate, which could contribute to your own death – as the bad guys won’t hesitate. For a consequence to be a motivator, you have to be willing to carry out the threat.

My concern, in the case of this gentleman and his wife, is that they have two kids together and are very much in love. He runs his own businesses, and has access to funding sources and banking institutions without her; sources of loopholes for him, should he ever need them. What are her true recourses via this agreement that will motivate his submission? Is she really going to kick the father of her two children to the street without a penny? Is she really going to declare him insane and put him away in a hospital? Is she going to destroy her family because he won’t submit?

I’ve seen couples create contracts that stipulate ownership as property (not legally enforceable) with all-sorts of unrealistic consequences – and even one that included the language from the contract in “Venus in Furs” that provided recourse to the dominant providing the right to end the life of the submissive. I’m sure they enjoyed the thrill of putting their names to the contract (and it has value for that), but even if we pretend it were legal, would this actually be an effective motivation? This is the kink-porn version of “Stop that or I’m turning this car around right now!”

Effective motivation comes via actionable consequences.

For many people, the question of actionable consequences results in implementation of “Punishments”. I have many concerns regarding the use of punishments (see my article, “Why I don’t Punish” at https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-kink-weekly/rikas-lair-dont-punish/ ).

As stated in that article, I prefer to take a no-nonsense, highly practical approach to the issue of motivating submission: “If you want to submit, submit…if you don’t, don’t.” I’d rather not have any power dynamic, than have one with someone who isn’t willing to put the effort into wanting it to improve. I don’t want to have to manipulate submissives, I want them to want to submit to the best of their ability. I’m not going to force anyone into submission. They commit willingly and fully. Then it’s their responsibility to live up to that commitment. Subs may not like my position at first, but after they’ve lived with it for a while, it becomes the only way they want to have a D/s relationship. I feel it’s because my desire for their submission is real – and not full of artificial consequences.

I’m not suggesting that every mistake a submissive makes is punishable by dissolution of the power dynamic…far from it. However, I choose to avoid the ineffective motivations of artificial consequences. The actions of remediation are real and effective: If a sub fails to deliver high-quality submission, we’re going to talk about it and together, we’re going to figure out how he can adapt his execution to improve. The onus of his improvement remains with him. The motivation for these improvements is our shared desire to make our dynamic as fulfilling as possible for both of us. As a result, the final actionable consequence of repeated inability to adapt and improve will be the unfortunate termination of the power dynamic. That’s a real consequence that’s an effective motivation. It’s one I work hard to avoid.

The outcome of the agreement the couple above have chosen remains in question. They signed their papers yesterday and, as soon as their divorce is initiated, she will own everything, outright. Will that change their dynamic? My guess is, in the short term, absolutely. But in the long term, once the thrill wears off and the reality of ineffective motivation kicks in? Time will tell, but I suspect I know the end of that story.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair- Giving Directions vs. Setting Direction

July 21, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

In my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant: Being the Dominant in a D/s Relationship”, I have a section on determining the style of domination that you prefer. Do you prefer anticipatory service, or reactive? Do you want to be a task master, or calm but firm? Do you want a punishment dynamic, or one that’s based on a submissive’s self-control and the use of CERAF (see my article on “Why I don’t Punish” (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-kink-weekly/rikas-lair-dont-punish/ here in KinkWeekly), etc. There are many such factors to consider. It’s important to understanding the style of domination that you prefer, in order to communicate it to your submissive, and give them the information they need to serve you to the best of their ability.

I recently had a discussion on tasking submissives, with a couple of other dominants. We arrived at the differentiation between “Giving Directions” and “Setting Direction”. In essence, this is at the root of one of the key decision points when articulating your style of dominance and I thought it would be interesting to discuss here in KinkWeekly.

Some dominants want to “Give Directions”: “Go to the store in town, purchase everything on the list that I have provided. Be sure to pack the groceries in paper-in-plastic. Don’t mix the frozen with the fresh. On your way home, pick up the dry cleaning, but don’t dally, as the perishables in the car need to get home to the refrigerator quickly. Load the refrigerator in size order, so it’s easier to find things inside.”

Other dominants prefer to “Set Direction”: “You are to keep the house stocked with groceries for the week’s menu. You are to make sure my clothes are dry cleaned and available when I need them. Make sure the house runs as efficiently as possible”

The obvious difference in these styles relate to how much autonomy you give your submissive. Do you give the submissive specific tasks to execute, or do you tell them what needs to get done in general terms and allow them to determine how best to meet the requirement?

My friends who prefer to give direction enjoy the control and predictability that comes from this approach. For the most part, and within reason, they do not allow the sub to make decisions on their own. Their subs are to follow the steps provided, with no question but for clarification, and execute without embellishment. My friends say this level of control is necessary for the subs to demonstrate their submission. I have found that many subs also enjoy this style of domination, as it leaves no room for misinterpretation and does not require any decisions which might incur risk.

Other dominants prefer to set direction than to give directions. In their opinion, having a sub ought to make your life easier and less complicated. It is certainly far easier for a dominant to establish a desired outcome and leave the work of figuring out how to achieve that outcome to the submissive. They consider subs who prefer to be told what to do to be lazy, shifting the responsibility of thinking to the dominant. They feel that setting direction brings the sub’s mind into play, leveraging the theory that two minds are better than one. These dominants feel they have intelligent, enterprising, imaginative subs, so why not take advantage of the power of their minds – as long as that energy is focused on the dominant’s objective and the dominant’s preferences?

There are up-sides and down-sides to both approaches. If you give directions, perfection will be easier, and likely faster, to achieve…for that specific task. If the sub follows the directions, they succeed in the task…Simple. There is also comfort in knowing that a job is going to be done in the way that you prescribe. Giving direction also plays to the “slave-imagery”, which is desirable for some. The downside varies: It is far more difficult to think through everything that a sub needs to do. Plus, there may be surprisingly better ways to get a job done than the way one might imagine. If you give directions, the responsibility for the accuracy of those directions fall on you. A failure in direction is yours to bear.

If you set direction, you communicate it once and then monitor. Monitoring is easier than directing, requires less time, and frees the dominant more. It opens the door to the possibility of a solution that the dominant didn’t think of themselves; one which might be more efficient or effective. The direction is more generic, and hence is applicable to more tasks than just the one in play at the time. Over time, the sub gets better at determining how best to meet the dominant’s expectations. The lessons learned carry through to all future tasks, further freeing the dominant from the burden and responsibility of solution design. Lastly, the onus of success, and hence accountability for it as well, falls on the submissive. The downside is that setting direction requires assessment of the sub’s effort (and decisions), followed by feedback and adjustment. Plus, the sub may fail a few times before getting it exactly the way the dominant wants it.

Personally, I like to set direction. I believe in the value of a sub’s mind. I want to take all of the assets my submissives bring to the table and put them to use for me. As long as my sub’s INTENT is to serve my preferences and expectations, and are striving to do the best possible job, they are free to do what needs to be done. I’ll adjust them if they’re off base and provide positive feedback when they’re on target. I’m willing to spend the up-front time to adjust their actions and to increase their knowledge of my preferences, with the prospect that, over time, they will become perfect submissives, and perform beautifully without my needing to think for them. In the long-run (which is what I’m interested in), this method is far easier for me and, in my opinion, more effective.

Ultimately, we blend multiple factors to create our own unique styles of dominance. Giving directions vs. setting direction is just one of many such factors. The key is to think it through and communicate it to your submissives, so that they can adjust their submission to match your preferences. I’d love to hear what types of things you consider. Write in comments below, or email me at: Ms_Rika@hotmail.com.

Ms. Rika

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