Ms. Rika

Rika’s Lair – Female Dominance and Role Reversal

September 22, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

I’ve recently heard the term “Role Reversal” used in the context of female-led power dynamics and it struck me that this is likely a source of confusion for many couples. I thought I would explore that here today. NOTE: For this discussion, I’m deliberately ignoring the misogynistic implication of the presumption that males are naturally the dominant partner, and allowing that stereotype to influence my response. I’ll leave that battle to another discussion!

The common notion is that when a woman is the dominant in a relationship, she is taking on the stereotypical male role. For example: FLR (Female Led Relationship) is often described as the “1950’s man of the house” role now being assumed by the woman. Or when a woman wants to be the aggressor in the bedroom, the stereotypical imagery of the dominant male in leather and chains, must be transitioned for her to be believable. The porn-industry takes this to the extreme: It’s almost mandatory that videos with female dominants have at least one scene where the women are “pegging” guys with strap-ons…or the men are sucking their heels “like it’s a cock”. Basically, the message is that role reversal means “a woman acting like a man”; penetrating their submissives and getting their “cocks” sucked.

Unfortunately, many people – both men and women – believe this to be true. Many submissive men only will seek women who follow that trope and even try to insist on it, in order to consider her to be dominant. I speak to many women (in and out the D/s realm) who fall into the trap of assuming that “being like a man” equates to freedom and independence – that equality is achieved through mimicry. Maybe that IS what they want to do, but the presumption of “male behavior equaling dominant behavior” overrides the process of individual discovery.

Many women want to break away from the docile role and seek freedom and independence: Fact. However, many men and women struggle with the notion that a woman who wants independence and freedom may want something different than what a man wants. I have met way too many women who won’t consider being the dominant in a relationship, because they don’t want that stereotype. They end up missing out on something that could be very fulfilling for them.

So, when we think about changing our roles and define role reversal in this way, we end up limiting ourselves by restricting our own expectations. We basically allow our standards to be set based on a stereotypical scale, rather than determining what being a dominant really means to us – defining what “submission to us” entails – and then setting out to create that in our relationships. If you’re going to be a dominant (male or female), step one is to introspect and determine what you want, regardless of the stereotypes.

I know this from experience. When I was younger and found myself in relationships where I was in control, I found a thrill in “acting like a guy”. I found myself being rough and demanding, dressing strong, yelling, striking. It was a strange feeling, because although I was enjoying the power, I wasn’t being myself. These scenarios would last for relatively short periods of time – usually a couple of hours, or

occasionally a day or a weekend at most. It worked for scene-based relationships. But as my relationships matured, the prospect of transitioning that to a full-time, lifestyle D/s dynamic was downright terrifying to me. I could never pretend to be someone that I’m not…not for the rest of my life! I almost missed out on what was my second most fulfilling dynamic (the first being motherhood). Life for me changed when I realized that being a dominant in a D/s relationship in which the submissive is focused on MY definition of submission, is not only more fulfilling, but is doable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year – because I remain who I am and am not trying to play a role.

So, my recommendation for all of you budding dominants…and even those who are deep into the scene and looking to extend it to a lifestyle dynamic: This is not “Role Reversal”, because no one is already in YOUR role. The definition of YOUR role is unique. Throw away your preconceived notions of “what dominants do” – and introspect on what makes you happy…whatever that is. Identify what you want, then define submission to be all that enables whatever that is. Communicate that to your submissive. Then enjoy!

– Rika

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair-A Lesson in T&D From The Golf Goddesses

September 15, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

This week, I thought I’d discuss a comical correlation that “dawned” on me. My husband is an avid golfer. He absolutely loves the game and I enjoy giving him the time to play it, as much as possible, but apparently, as it is for many folks, it’s kind of a love/hate relationship for him – and it makes me laugh.

Let’s face it, there are very few true “experts” when it comes to golf, and at any time, even the best fall victim to the level of their incompetence. For the average golfer, practice and preparation increase the odds of success, but they’re only odds…and failure is inevitable. My husband’s game is good, but not great. He’s scoring in the low to mid 80s and will occasionally break into the high 70s. But he will also have days in the 90s. Jimmy Demaret is credited with the quote, “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at” and it seems to be true.

When my husband comes home, he tells me about the good and the bad of the day – and I laugh inside. I laugh because he is completely unaware that the Golf Gods are clearly women…and they are executing the PERFECT T&D on his tortured soul!

On many occasions, in my books and writings, I’ve asserted that Tease and Denial is more effective than Denial alone. I’ve pointed out that HOPE is the major contributor to anticipation, which is then the major contributor to excitement. Someone who knows they will be denied, without the hope of orgasm will protect themselves and lower their libido, and the denial will not be as effective. But a person who honestly has hope / belief that THIS time is THE time, will be far more devastated (in a good way) when denial is imposed.

The Golf Goddesses have my total respect. They have their act together! No matter how bad a golfer is, no matter how bad their day is going, the Golf Goddesses have a way of throwing that miraculous shot, that one carrot – that boomer that arcs high in the air, has a slight draw, hits the green just past the hole, and BACKS UP toward it. Did you see that shot? Tiger would be proud to have had that shot! Arnie just rolled in his grave. THAT’S the shot you’ll remember every time you tee off. It’s what you’ll talk about with your buddies for the rest of the year. It’s the shot that brings you back…for more. The Golf Goddesses are brilliant practitioners of Tease and Denial, for they give you just enough to believe you have a chance. They give you the hope that Today is THE day! But as avid golfers have told me, they are selective in their gifts. One day, they’ll give you great irons, but take away your putter. Another day, you’ll putt like Jack Nicholas, if you could only “hit a green”. Brilliant…Just Brilliant! Rename it to “TEES” and Denial!

My aim, as dominant to my submissive and the “Golf-Goddess-equivalent” of his orgasm, is to provide that same anticipation and excitement. I want to introduce the element of HOPE. Today may be THE day! I want to make him want to come back for more, no matter how frustrating it is for him. The frustration makes that moment of success so much more delicious…So appreciated…So memorable.

This is why total denial doesn’t really work for me. Never getting an orgasm will cause him to dread a round. Rather, I want him to anticipate it, dream about it, desire it. From time to time, I’ll allow him that wonderful moment…and sometimes, he won’t even have to wait long for it. Sometimes he might get three great shots in a row – without any frustration. Which will help him through those droughts where he may go a very long time without.

I guess the only difference between golf and T&D for my husband, is that he might get less frustration in golf – if he continues to play and practice. The Golf Goddesses are generous that way. Not so, at my hands 🙂

Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Avoiding Ineffective Motivation

August 18, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

The catalyst for this article is a discussion I had with a man who was looking for advice on creating a contract with his wife that would deepen his dependence on her, as a means to deepen his enslavement to her. His goal was to make himself entirely financially dependent on her by shifting all of their assets into her name, signing a nuptial agreement to provide him no rights in the event of a separation, arranging for direct deposit of his income into accounts in her name, and establishing a single account to which he would have access, into which she could deposit his allowance. He also sought out means to make her his health proxy as well as giving her general power of attorney over him. Effectively making him as indentured as he could be, legally. He’s located in a Scandinavian country and had to deal with the laws there, and was looking for ways to transfer the assets without tax implication for her…and seemed to find a way to do it (through a fairly convoluted sequence of divorce proceedings, prenups, and machinations that I don’t pretend to fully understand).

My point in this article is not the legality, or even the feasibility, of such agreements – whether in Scandinavia, the US, or in any country. Rather, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I had as we discussed his intentions. I was wondering if he was going through this manipulation of justice for any real impact. I wondered if things will actually change between them, despite the fact that his wife was in favor of the arrangement and even felt empowered by it. I doubted that this would be an effective change…here’s my rationale:

Police will tell you that owning a gun will not provide you any self-defense if you’re not willing to potentially kill someone. For the average caring person, the consequences of pulling the trigger while pointing the gun at another human will cause you to hesitate, which could contribute to your own death – as the bad guys won’t hesitate. For a consequence to be a motivator, you have to be willing to carry out the threat.

My concern, in the case of this gentleman and his wife, is that they have two kids together and are very much in love. He runs his own businesses, and has access to funding sources and banking institutions without her; sources of loopholes for him, should he ever need them. What are her true recourses via this agreement that will motivate his submission? Is she really going to kick the father of her two children to the street without a penny? Is she really going to declare him insane and put him away in a hospital? Is she going to destroy her family because he won’t submit?

I’ve seen couples create contracts that stipulate ownership as property (not legally enforceable) with all-sorts of unrealistic consequences – and even one that included the language from the contract in “Venus in Furs” that provided recourse to the dominant providing the right to end the life of the submissive. I’m sure they enjoyed the thrill of putting their names to the contract (and it has value for that), but even if we pretend it were legal, would this actually be an effective motivation? This is the kink-porn version of “Stop that or I’m turning this car around right now!”

Effective motivation comes via actionable consequences.

For many people, the question of actionable consequences results in implementation of “Punishments”. I have many concerns regarding the use of punishments (see my article, “Why I don’t Punish” at https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-kink-weekly/rikas-lair-dont-punish/ ).

As stated in that article, I prefer to take a no-nonsense, highly practical approach to the issue of motivating submission: “If you want to submit, submit…if you don’t, don’t.” I’d rather not have any power dynamic, than have one with someone who isn’t willing to put the effort into wanting it to improve. I don’t want to have to manipulate submissives, I want them to want to submit to the best of their ability. I’m not going to force anyone into submission. They commit willingly and fully. Then it’s their responsibility to live up to that commitment. Subs may not like my position at first, but after they’ve lived with it for a while, it becomes the only way they want to have a D/s relationship. I feel it’s because my desire for their submission is real – and not full of artificial consequences.

I’m not suggesting that every mistake a submissive makes is punishable by dissolution of the power dynamic…far from it. However, I choose to avoid the ineffective motivations of artificial consequences. The actions of remediation are real and effective: If a sub fails to deliver high-quality submission, we’re going to talk about it and together, we’re going to figure out how he can adapt his execution to improve. The onus of his improvement remains with him. The motivation for these improvements is our shared desire to make our dynamic as fulfilling as possible for both of us. As a result, the final actionable consequence of repeated inability to adapt and improve will be the unfortunate termination of the power dynamic. That’s a real consequence that’s an effective motivation. It’s one I work hard to avoid.

The outcome of the agreement the couple above have chosen remains in question. They signed their papers yesterday and, as soon as their divorce is initiated, she will own everything, outright. Will that change their dynamic? My guess is, in the short term, absolutely. But in the long term, once the thrill wears off and the reality of ineffective motivation kicks in? Time will tell, but I suspect I know the end of that story.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair- Giving Directions vs. Setting Direction

July 21, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

In my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant: Being the Dominant in a D/s Relationship”, I have a section on determining the style of domination that you prefer. Do you prefer anticipatory service, or reactive? Do you want to be a task master, or calm but firm? Do you want a punishment dynamic, or one that’s based on a submissive’s self-control and the use of CERAF (see my article on “Why I don’t Punish” (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-kink-weekly/rikas-lair-dont-punish/ here in KinkWeekly), etc. There are many such factors to consider. It’s important to understanding the style of domination that you prefer, in order to communicate it to your submissive, and give them the information they need to serve you to the best of their ability.

I recently had a discussion on tasking submissives, with a couple of other dominants. We arrived at the differentiation between “Giving Directions” and “Setting Direction”. In essence, this is at the root of one of the key decision points when articulating your style of dominance and I thought it would be interesting to discuss here in KinkWeekly.

Some dominants want to “Give Directions”: “Go to the store in town, purchase everything on the list that I have provided. Be sure to pack the groceries in paper-in-plastic. Don’t mix the frozen with the fresh. On your way home, pick up the dry cleaning, but don’t dally, as the perishables in the car need to get home to the refrigerator quickly. Load the refrigerator in size order, so it’s easier to find things inside.”

Other dominants prefer to “Set Direction”: “You are to keep the house stocked with groceries for the week’s menu. You are to make sure my clothes are dry cleaned and available when I need them. Make sure the house runs as efficiently as possible”

The obvious difference in these styles relate to how much autonomy you give your submissive. Do you give the submissive specific tasks to execute, or do you tell them what needs to get done in general terms and allow them to determine how best to meet the requirement?

My friends who prefer to give direction enjoy the control and predictability that comes from this approach. For the most part, and within reason, they do not allow the sub to make decisions on their own. Their subs are to follow the steps provided, with no question but for clarification, and execute without embellishment. My friends say this level of control is necessary for the subs to demonstrate their submission. I have found that many subs also enjoy this style of domination, as it leaves no room for misinterpretation and does not require any decisions which might incur risk.

Other dominants prefer to set direction than to give directions. In their opinion, having a sub ought to make your life easier and less complicated. It is certainly far easier for a dominant to establish a desired outcome and leave the work of figuring out how to achieve that outcome to the submissive. They consider subs who prefer to be told what to do to be lazy, shifting the responsibility of thinking to the dominant. They feel that setting direction brings the sub’s mind into play, leveraging the theory that two minds are better than one. These dominants feel they have intelligent, enterprising, imaginative subs, so why not take advantage of the power of their minds – as long as that energy is focused on the dominant’s objective and the dominant’s preferences?

There are up-sides and down-sides to both approaches. If you give directions, perfection will be easier, and likely faster, to achieve…for that specific task. If the sub follows the directions, they succeed in the task…Simple. There is also comfort in knowing that a job is going to be done in the way that you prescribe. Giving direction also plays to the “slave-imagery”, which is desirable for some. The downside varies: It is far more difficult to think through everything that a sub needs to do. Plus, there may be surprisingly better ways to get a job done than the way one might imagine. If you give directions, the responsibility for the accuracy of those directions fall on you. A failure in direction is yours to bear.

If you set direction, you communicate it once and then monitor. Monitoring is easier than directing, requires less time, and frees the dominant more. It opens the door to the possibility of a solution that the dominant didn’t think of themselves; one which might be more efficient or effective. The direction is more generic, and hence is applicable to more tasks than just the one in play at the time. Over time, the sub gets better at determining how best to meet the dominant’s expectations. The lessons learned carry through to all future tasks, further freeing the dominant from the burden and responsibility of solution design. Lastly, the onus of success, and hence accountability for it as well, falls on the submissive. The downside is that setting direction requires assessment of the sub’s effort (and decisions), followed by feedback and adjustment. Plus, the sub may fail a few times before getting it exactly the way the dominant wants it.

Personally, I like to set direction. I believe in the value of a sub’s mind. I want to take all of the assets my submissives bring to the table and put them to use for me. As long as my sub’s INTENT is to serve my preferences and expectations, and are striving to do the best possible job, they are free to do what needs to be done. I’ll adjust them if they’re off base and provide positive feedback when they’re on target. I’m willing to spend the up-front time to adjust their actions and to increase their knowledge of my preferences, with the prospect that, over time, they will become perfect submissives, and perform beautifully without my needing to think for them. In the long-run (which is what I’m interested in), this method is far easier for me and, in my opinion, more effective.

Ultimately, we blend multiple factors to create our own unique styles of dominance. Giving directions vs. setting direction is just one of many such factors. The key is to think it through and communicate it to your submissives, so that they can adjust their submission to match your preferences. I’d love to hear what types of things you consider. Write in comments below, or email me at: Ms_Rika@hotmail.com.

Rika’s Lair- Financial Dominance

July 13, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

I recently came across an online documentary regarding the topic of Financial Dominance (known as “Findom”). Most people, by now, have heard of this genre, but fundamentally, it’s the use of financial transactions as a tool of dominance. Rather than the physical control of bondage, or the demonstration of power imbalance through whipping or worship, having one’s finances controlled is the manifestation of choice. Unlike traditional professional dominance, where money is provided in exchange for forms of dominance, in Findom, the money itself is the currency of dominance. No other form of control or power is necessarily exchanged. Financial Dominance didn’t start with the internet, but it has matured with it, broadening its exposure accessibility. Stereotypically, financial dominants tend to be women, and their submissives tend to be men.

Findom receives a great deal of bad press. It’s cited in many cases of extreme abuse: Submissives emptying their bank accounts, destroying their families and lives at the demand of a dominant they might never have met in person. Of people becoming addicted to a dominant, who has no concern for their well-being, and losing site of rational self-preservation – only to be ignored and forgotten when their fiscal means runs out. The dominants who engage in Findom are often accused of “taking the road to easy money” by not providing any real service, not having any specialized skills, training, or equipment, and just viewing this as an ‘easy’ means to get rich. Purists of BDSM see Findom as the commercialization of their craft and the commoditization of an art. There is a lot of angst and anger in the voices of the critics, and a lot of disbelief among those who view the participants.

Before stating my opinion, let me be clear that I am not a Findom, and have never even been a professional dominant. Outside of the sales of my books, I have never made a dime through my power dynamics. I have the utmost respect for professional dominants and a natural respect for anyone who understands a system well enough to make it lucrative, within the law.

To start, let’s do away with all the surprise and angst as to why Financial Dominance is attractive to many men. Just look at the professional porn industry and consider how it depicts female dominance in general. What is the imagery you see when you think of “Femdom Porn”? I envision one or more beautiful women using a man for their pleasure. Their focus is entirely on the man and they’re studying him as he attempts to tolerate whatever they choose do to him. They seem to find great pleasure in torturing him. They are focused on him, examining him, and monitoring his reactions.

This image sells. Men like this imagery for a reason: They see a man as the center of the action, surrounded by beautiful women, who are giving him attention and who are deriving pleasure from him…The man is the “real star”, and the viewer can project themselves into his place. In fact, the sub is often covered in a hood, making it even easier to place themselves behind his mask! They want women to want them enough to want to torture them. To SELECT HIM to torture. They feel special…selected…and deserving of her time.

And why use money as a currency of dominance? Well, that’s easy: Throughout civilizations, the stereotypical man has sought to differentiate himself from other men through his wallet. His sense of worth is his ability to earn. His wallet is a symbol of his accomplishment. Many men view this as their most valuable asset. Why is it confusing that a woman targeting a man’s wallet would be a turn on for

that man? If his mind values money over all else anyway, why wouldn’t giving that to a woman who also values it, reflect as submission to him? These men view their wallets as their tickets to the show! Women seeing them as having value (value they share), wanting them, and SELECTING them to dominate, just makes sense to them.

Here’s a consideration I’d bet you hadn’t thought of before:

I can even see how some submissives might consider Financial Dominance MORE REALISTIC than professional dominance! Consider that, in professional dominance dynamics, submissives want to believe that they are unique to the dominant…that somehow, the dominant is SELECTING them to dominate…even when it’s obvious they’re just a customer. Whether real or not, the successful professional dominant makes the submissive feel that they are special; that there is a connection beyond the money. There is an unspoken façade that, although money is necessarily being exchanged, it’s secondary to the desire to dominate and submit…and, in particular, that desire is enhanced with HIM.

Financial dominance discards that façade. The thought that the Findom dominant finds them attractive is real and believable to the Findom submissive, because HE truly believes that his wallet is his main source of worth and accomplishment. It is fed by his own belief that his value is his money. They feel genuine attraction. The concept that this woman is attracted to him makes sense, because she’s not attracted to him, she’s attracted to his ability to provide. It’s real on a pure level…perhaps the purest and most openly honest level of all professional dominance?

Perhaps the hatred of Findom is actually resistance to the change that comes around when people admit that the Emperor really IS naked. Money puts the “Pro” in Pro Dominance. Findom puts that right out there for all to see. That can easily offend some and disillusion others.

I won’t be jumping on the Findom bandwagon. For me, power dynamics are about service and commitment and relationships. I have a dominant-centric view of submission…by now, you all know that about me. But I understand the attraction of Financial Dominance, for BOTH the submissive and dominant. I don’t feel angry or confused by the existence of the Findom world. It’s not a mystery and it’s not evil. It is what it is.

I’d love to hear your opinion. Write in comments below, or email me at: Ms_Rika@hotmail.com.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – The “Type-O” Submissive

June 16, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

The term “compatibility” pops up a lot in discussions about dominance and submission. “Difficulty finding a compatible partner with whom to establish a power dynamic” is the focus of many of the questions and letters I receive. It’s natural to highlight common tastes as requirements for your relationship search.

Finding a partner for a lasting relationship (assuming it doesn’t happen to fall into your lap) is hard. For those who are actively “looking” for a relationship, it may seem that there are no “compatible” partners out there: Someone who matches your needs and who also finds you equally compatible, is available, and not otherwise burdened with any of those lovely quirks that destroy relationships. For those in the kink world, adding your preferences in power dynamics to your criteria, creates a daunting gauntlet that will challenge any potential partner!

I see an analogy between the task of finding a suitable, compatible partner for power dynamics and the task faced by someone who needs blood. Compatibility, in the latter, is a matter of life and death. Still, in both situations, it feels there is a time constraint as well as a constraint on availability in your location.

Following the analogy, I have begun to compare what people want from their relationships to the “A”s, “B”s, and “O”s of blood-typing. Since the intent of submission, to me, is about acting FOR the dominant – the “dominant-centric” view equates the “donor” to the submissive role.

There are submissives who only want one style of dominance. They have a predefined definition of submission and are only fulfilled when that definition is fulfilled. To find compatibility, they seek dominants who follow a particular style of dominance. These are the “Typed” submissives: They provide “A” or “B” antigens. They are only compatible with dominants of the same “Type”. They are best matched with dominants who share the same kinks, interests, approaches, and practices.

Some dominants are happy playing with subs of any type. They don’t have any particular needs for specific forms of dominance – and can be served by playing to the specific likes of the submissive. The pleasure of the submissive gets them off. These are the “Type AB” dominants – the “Universal Recipients”. They can be served by any type. Often these are people who never considered themselves dominant, but have taken it up with a specific partner and enjoy being able to provide the style of dominance that their partner enjoys.

The unicorn in the room, is the “Type O” submissive. This is the submissive who enjoys the act of focusing on, and serving, the needs and preferences of the dominant before them. They are flexible and adaptable. They don’t carry any particular “Type”. They are not set on any specific style of dominance, no specific form of play. They can serve any dominant, because they are fulfilled by the act of submission itself. They are “Universal Donors”, and while they may have preferences, they are overwhelmed by the need to serve in a way from which the recipient benefits. They measure their effectiveness as a submissive by how well they can serve the needs of their dominant.

As with Blood donors, the “Type O” submissive is a bit harder to find, but is extremely valuable.

There are those who believe that we’re born with our power dynamic preferences preset, but this is where I believe the analogy fails. I’ve found that, unlike blood types, the style of dominance / submission we find fulfilling, is most strongly influenced by our exposure to the topic. People who have

only seen the porn stereotypes of BDSM, or who have only been with one style of partner, tend to be “Typed”. The imagery of what they believe to be possible is limited by that exposure. They adapt it as their preference, because it’s the only imagery they know, and can’t imagine that any other version exists. In fact, I’ve had “Typed” submissives (and dominants) tell me that “Type O” submissives don’t exist….CAN’T exist! I have to introduce them to my husband – and about 50 other submissives with whom I’ve had the pleasure of working, to prove them wrong.

When asked, my advice to submissives, searching for a meaningful dynamic, is to look at the “numbers game” of finding a dominant partner. They’re looking for a dominant, but the odds are against them. Those odds get even worse if they’re already “Typed” and have limited the recipient pool based on “compatibility”.

The good news is, unlike their blood type, they can CHOOSE to become a “Type O” submissive and increase the odds of finding fulfillment, serving a wider variety of potential dominants – increasing their odds of finding the right partner. They can reset their imagery and seek the pleasure of other Types. They are freer to find a partner with whom they are emotionally compatible and work together to adapt a mutually fulfilling power dynamic. Even if, after introspection, they choose to be with a “Type A” recipient, it’s a choice, not an innate property of their personality.

For those who’d like to try, you do this by opening your eyes to the preferences of your potential partner. You divorce yourself of your definition of what submission “has” to be, and replace it by what you learn of THEIR definition. They may be the recipient of your submission, so it needs to serve them in a way they wish to be served. Seek out what submission means to them. Learn that there are other ways to be a submissive than what your experience and exposure has taught you in the past. When you can learn and adapt, you be free to serve the unique dominant before you…and you’ll realize the joy of serving someone for whom your submission fits like a glove. Then the odds of finding the perfect partner will greatly improve, as you become that exceptionally desirable beast…the “Type O” submissive!

I look forward to hearing your feedback. Post a comment below, or email me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com … or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair- Please Stop

June 9, 2019 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly (and sometimes sooner than monthly!) column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

For this article, I’d like to deviate from the discussion of theory, and have a little fun with one of my favorite games: Tease and Denial. I’m a big fan of T&D. So much so that I wrote “The Joy of Denial”, with five short stories dedicated to deliberately building up a partner’s desire as a means to control them through the manipulation of resolution of that desire.

The title of this article is a double entendre. On the one hand, it contains the key words to a very powerful technique that you can use with any partner when engaging in sexual Tease and Denial. On the other hand, they also are the words that I feel represent the ultimate T&D result! This article will explore both meanings!

“Please Stop (I don’t really mean that)”:

Manipulation of “encouraged” desire is at the root of Tease & Denial. The objective is to stimulate desire, to build it up so that achieving (whatever it is that they want) is all the person can think about – and then demonstrating your control of that desire, so that the “victim” recognizes that only you can satisfy that need…that they are completely at your mercy and whim.

Desires come in many flavors, and T&D is not always about sex. However, when it comes to sexual T&D, the desire to orgasm is “the carrot”. The objective is to get the person so turned on, so needy for release, that they will do almost anything (“the stick”) to achieve it. You establish the situation in such a way that they are completely dependent on you (bondage, agreement, manipulation of fetish, physical device, orders, etc.) to provide that release, allowing you to leverage that power. It can be a fun game or a mild form of torture…or both 🙂

When I engage in sexual T&D, I’m aiming for two things: First, I want my partner to get as close to orgasm as possible, as many times as possible, and for as long as possible – without actually being able to orgasm. Secondly, I never want them to be sure if they’re going to get to orgasm, or not. I want them hoping, each and every time they get close, that I’m going to allow them to finish, but wondering if THIS time will be THE time. If I can get them to honestly believe that I am going to allow them to orgasm (without lying about it), and then NOT actually allow it, I’ve done my job. So, the trick is to get your partner right to the brink of orgasm, believing entirely that they are going to come, only to have the pleasure snatched from them at the last possible moment.

In a perfect world, you’d be able to “just know” when your partner is about to have an orgasm, and have enough forewarning to stop it before it starts. To do that without verbal communication requires a lot of familiarity with your partner’s body. If you’ve got that knowledge, fantastic! Go to town. However, I have found that such familiarity is hard to develop and, even if you get there, is not always reliable or truly at the most optimal moment. When you’re dealing with a person who is becoming more and more desperate, their bodies become more and more deceptive.

Most people can’t master their partner’s non-verbal signals consistently and reliably enough to depend on them. Consequently, they agree on verbal communication, whereby the “victim” advises when

they’re getting close. Some folks require the victim to beg for permission to orgasm. Others use a number scheme (1 is not close, 10 is too late). Others use a Red, Yellow, Green code to communicate.

I have my own method of communication – the words, “Please Stop”!

I find the whole “Please let me come”-thing to be whiny and needy. I like more articulate communication when a sub is begging for something. Unfortunately, a “proper begging” doesn’t lend itself to the immediate needs of the situation when a sub is close enough to come in a moment’s notice. So, rather than having them beg me to let them orgasm, I find it more fun to have the sub ask me to stop.

My T&D partners are under strict orders to ask me to stop them from orgasming when they are just about to reach the point of no-return and begin to orgasm. “Please Stop” is so much more appealing to me than “Please let me come”. It’s demonstrates their desire to continue their tease…and I know it’s KILLING THEM to have to say it…because every ounce of their body wants the orgasm. I find it a delicious and playful mind-f*&#!, and I love the irony of saying, “OK, you can have your way…you can stop short of orgasm!”

Human nature; people protect themselves. If you rely on your partner to tell you when they’re ready to come, they’re going to lie. If they think you’re going to stop them from coming, they’re going to tell you earlier than truly necessary. They’ll make all the right sounds, tense up, or maybe even ask you to stop, earlier than that last second before it’s too late. They do this to avoid the impact of perfect timing – because perfect timing is pretty tough to deal with – particularly the tenth time in a row! Therefore, to make certain they are as close to orgasm as possible, my “victims” are also required to orgasm within 5 seconds, should I choose to let them orgasm! So, if they ask me to stop, I might say, “No…come now: 5, 4, 3…”. And if they don’t reach orgasm before I say “0”, they know they will likely go a LONG time before they are allowed to orgasm. Therefore, they have to wait until they know they’re going to orgasm REALLY soon, and so, become active participants in their own perfect frustration!

I can use this technique whether I’m stimulating them, they’re stimulating themselves, or even if we’re having intercourse! When they get close, they have to ask me to stop or allow them to stop. It’s then my decision…come in 5 seconds, or allow them to stop.

Try it with your partner…and let me know how it goes!

“Please, Stop (I REALLY mean that)!”:

The other use of the phrase “Please Stop” is, in my opinion, the ultimate T&D compliment; when my “victim” reaches the point where they would rather stop everything and not orgasm, than to have to face the frustration of another denial. I am 100% certain that they are “cooked”, when they’re begging me to not let them orgasm AT ALL rather than get teased again. I don’t always drive them to this level of frustration, but it’s a fantastically fun place to take them once in a while!

And, OH! the things they’ll do for an orgasm, then!

Three additional thoughts on T&D:

First, T&D “sessions” don’t have to end in a single day. They can go on for weeks, if you want them to. The physical and mental impacts of repeated build up and denial transcends days. The added

frustration of having to go to sleep after just getting close to orgasm (potentially several times) is brutally effective, particularly if they’re giving you orgasms as often as you want them.

Second, in order to keep your partner honest and unsure if they’re going to get to orgasm, you have to let them orgasm relatively quickly once in a while. Don’t make every session a long ordeal. Keep them honest by allowing them to orgasm early in the process…so that they can’t determine a pattern. You might let them orgasm on the first session, or maybe the 50th. Keep them guessing, wondering, and off-balance so that they never know which time is THE time.

Lastly, when you eventually decide to allow their orgasm, recognize that it’s going to be a mind- blowing experience for them. They will feel genuine gratitude. If they are submissive, part of their joy is in knowing the level of control you have built up throughout the denial process. They will really like it (and you might too) if you “leverage” their desperation before allowing them to come. Make them promise things, or do things, in exchange for the CHANCE that this time they MAY get to come…and then hold them to those promises afterwards. That will make the experience all the more enjoyable for them. This is a great time for treats (read my article on gifts and treats).

I look forward to hearing your feedback. Tell me how it works for you! Post a comment below, or email me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com…or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – The “Gamification” of Submission

May 19, 2019 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box above for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! This month, I wanted to share some ideas I originally introduced in my second book, “Uniquely Us” regarding a trend that I’ve seen in our culture. It’s a phenomenon that plays in our everyday life, and it’s having an impact in the way people are viewing their D/s dynamics…perhaps in a way that undermines the long-term success of our relationships.

In our online experiences, we live in a world of advertising-based compensation, where the experience is free for the visitor and advertisers pay the way, in exchange for being able to post their marketing information where you’ll see it. This is the old TV methodology, which has been reborn (after a temporary death due to cable TV) in the digital world and is prevalent in online gaming, intranet-based businesses, and online sites, like KinkWeekly and FetLife. This has created the need for new techniques, designed to assure visitors continue to return to the site, where they can be repeatedly exposed to the advertisements. The industry term is “Attract and Retain“.

One of the trending techniques, is called “Gamification“. It’s the introduction of game-related artifacts (e.g., badges, rewards, goals, “likes”, etc.) into a situation that isn’t really a game. The goal of gamification is to make a “challenge” out of an experience; with small, achievable, usually free, measurements and rewards, designed to provide the feeling of success that encourages people to stay with the program. The advertisers recognize that people tend to have short little spans of attention that require short-termed successes in order make them desire to return. Games fit the bill.

It started to dawn on me that there are a lot of folks seeking to “Gamify” power dynamics. As an observation and not a generality, I’ve noticed that this tendency seems to be more prevalent in the men I meet. I’ve seen a lot of discussion of “Point systems”, “Goals”, “Rewards”, “Consequences”, etc. – The belief is that you will obtain better submission by offering artificial, obtainable, objectives into play, to encourage a submissive to raise their level (or “Level-Up”). They can amass “points” and eventually exchange them for something desirable.

Here’s the issue: Gamification plays to the sub-centric mind and encourages sub-centricity – since obtaining objectives and short-termed wins is all about the player. These objectives shift the sub’s focus from the long-term, practical objective of serving one’s partner, onto the immediate, tangible, short-termed measurements of the game. In short, the objective becomes about “achieving” rather than “providing”. It is very easy for a sub to lose sight of the ultimate objective of their submission – the pleasure obtained by providing the best possible service they can to their chosen dominant – as they turn their attention to “beating the game” and earning rewards for themselves.

I’ve started to realize that the major objective of my approach to D/s; that of dominant-centric submission; deliberately avoids the gamification of power dynamics. The focus of my methodology is on providing for the dominant. As you already know if you’ve read my previous articles or my books, I don’t use rewards or punishments, but rather put the emphasis on communication and expectation. I push away the notion of empirical measurement and encourage the practices of dominant-centered assessment and feedback, where the measurement of success for the submissive is purely the subjective opinion of the dominant. The dominant’s generosity drives reward (gifts/treats), as subs cannot “earn” them by achieving specific goals. My approach is about improvement of service over the long-haul, not short-term gain. It’s about evolving into the best submissive for a unique

dominant, rather than achieving a set of goals / thresholds. Gamification works against those dominant-centric tenets. It distracts a submissive in a way that is decidedly sub-centric. I advise against it.

I’ve had to consider this position carefully…because gamification is a highly successful, proven technique. There is no denying the effectiveness of stimulating dopamine, the body’s neurotransmitter most commonly associated with the brain’s pleasure and reward system (in some games, you earn points that are actually called, ‘Dopamine Packs’). We feel good when we achieve. Whether we are products of our environment, or simply vulnerable to the “immediate gratification mentality”, people respond very well to games (and again, as an observation, more men than women). However, the downside is that playing games makes the benefit to the dominant a secondary consideration, and dilutes the imbalance of power within the dynamic.

Some people feel that, “If it works, do it” …and that’s fine, but I fear there is a cost. Is a person who plays the game and achieves within the reward system, REALLY engaged? Is their submission based in reality or just artificially, within the scope of the game? Will they eventually bore of the game or move on to another one? As a dominant, do you have to keep raising the stakes to maintain the submissive’s interest? What about the quality of their submission; is the highest quality of service obtained when it is intended to serve the preferences of the dominant, or when it is self-serving?

From my perspective the answer to these questions are straight forward. I don’t want to be served as part of a game, I want to be served as part of our reality. Being a game-keeper is more work for me, which is certainly not desirable. Plus, I refuse to have to play within the rules of a game to be a dominant.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this. Respond in the comments below, or write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com…or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Making Requests of Your Dominant, Without Topping from the Bottom

April 14, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

In last month’s column, we were discussing some basics regarding a mindset that cultivates the best possible submission for your relationship. We talked about a sequence that starts with the dominant’s introspection as to what truly serves them, the communication of that expectation, and the submissive’s responsibility to understand and adapt to that expectation in order to fulfill it without attempting to manipulate the dominant. We also discussed two very subtle variations of “Topping from the Bottom” that plague many couples and discussed avoiding them. To read that article, or any of my other articles in Kink Weekly, click on my name in the by-line, or type “Rika” in the search box on this site!

This month, I want to share related advice that I gave a man who is living in a D/s dynamic with his dominant wife. I’ve corresponded with this couple many times since they first read my books and reached out to me for advice and clarification. When they started, she was relatively new to D/s, had tried being a dominatrix in rather stereotypical ways without feeling a connection, then found that the dominant centric methodology rang true for her. She has since been developing her definition of submission for her husband and is truly beginning to feel her dominant identity. He reports he is beside himself with happiness and is becoming more and more “enslaved” in ways he never imagined he would be.

When he reached out to me last month, he mentioned that his wife was facing a great deal of pressure with her job and life was getting in the way of their dynamic. It seemed to him that she could use him to relive her of some of that pressure, but she wasn’t enlisting his service. He felt she was passing by opportunities where having a sub would relieve her burden. She was inundated with work, which, in his mind, was the perfect opportunity for her to use her slave (him) to lessen her load and to let her stay focused on whatever she deemed to be important. But she wasn’t engaging in that way, and when he approached her about it, she rebuffed him in a gentle, but clearly disinterested manner. It seemed to him, that she had forgotten that he was there to serve. He wanted to continue to suggest ways in which he could be used, but feared he would be seen as topping from the bottom – something he was afraid to do (as I mentioned in last month’s article). Instead, he remained quiet; feeling quite alone in their dynamic and becoming resentful and disappointed. He asked me if he should talk to her about his feelings.

I’d seen this before: The submissive sees real life stress as an opportunity to promote the dynamic, but the dominant is not on the same page. There are many reasons why this might be the case. While it is possible that the dominant may not view the power dynamic to be as “Real Life” as the sub does and the daily pressures of real life are “REAL” and the dynamic is “that game that we play”, it is also possible that the dominant may just prefer to deal with their stress themselves, may not feel that the sub should be burdened by their issues, or may be overwhelmed and feel the dynamic distracts them from focusing where they need to. Subs know there are alternatives, but tend to fixate on the thought that the dominant is not present in the dynamic. The fear of abandonment is so strong, it causes them to doubt if the dynamic is real or only exists in their head.

My recommendation, to this sub and to others, is to go ahead and discuss your feelings with your dominant, HOWEVER, that it is critical to pick a time to have the conversation when your dominant is not as stressed. Then, you must communicate in a way that avoids the appearance of instructing or cajoling your dominant. Rather, you can suggest that, in times of stress, you could be useful. I advise to ask your dominant to think about the last time they were really busy and to consider if there was something that you could have taken on or done that would have made their life easier. You might have prepared some suggestions. Without immediate pressures, and thinking back on times of stress, dominants are more likely to be able to consider how having a submissive could have helped them. Your dominant is far more likely to be able to think up things you could have done and more receptive to your ideas.

Then the challenge is back on you. The next time your dominant is stressed out, offer to do the type of task that your dominant had discussed. Hopefully, this rings a bell for your dominant as they will remember how they had thought it might help, and then allow you to help.

There is a word of caution here: Perform the tasks with all your effort and really focus on relieving your dominant’s stress, but do it without requiring a lot of their attention. Too often, when finally allowed to help, subs jump in with a great deal of enthusiasm, but repeatedly call attention to themselves – wanting the dominant to acknowledge how much they are helping. It’s natural to want that feedback, particularly if you are doubting your dominant’s commitment to the dynamic, but this defeats the purpose of doing the tasks in the first place, by distracting the dominant from the real task at hand. This is sure to leave a bad taste in your dominant’s mouth. The key is to help without fanfare, and trust that the positive impact of your efforts will be recognized in due time. Your dominant will not only get relief from their stress, but will likely remember it as a positive experience – and hopefully expect it in the future. They might also begin to recognize that there are other uses for someone who wants to focus on them in other situations. Success without topping from the bottom!

The same strategy holds true for making ANY request of a dominant. Subs need to communicate their thoughts, but to do so at a convenient time for the dominant – not in the heat of the moment. Preparation for the future is far more effective for making requests. Giving the dominant time to digest the ideas without pressure, allows them to be more giving and lessens the chance of generating resentment. Thinking back on similar situations and discussing the possibilities sets the stage for when those circumstances present themselves again in the future. Try it! Then tell me how it works out!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Cultivating The Best Submission Possible For Your Relationship

March 17, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been introducing you to my approach to Service-Oriented D/s dynamics. We’ve discussed the intent of submission as well as the roles of both the dominant and the submissive. We’ve looked at obligations and responsibilities within the context of power dynamics and discussed submission as a form of commitment and dedication. If you haven’t read the previous Kink Weekly articles, click on my name in the byline above to get links to each of the previous articles!

Let’s dive right in!

Good Submission: If you’ve read my prior articles (or my books), you’ll know that I don’t believe in any single definition of “Good” when it comes to submission. There are no general activities, attitudes, or actions that define good submission – because each dominant defines submission based on their own unique preferences. Therefore, the quality of submission can only be measured by the dominant being served. Being a “good submissive” doesn’t have meaning unless it’s relative to a specific dominant, where submission is aimed at fulling their set of communicated expectations.

Therefore, to arrive at “The Best Submission Possible” for your relationship, the dominant will need to communicate, and the sub will need to learn and adapt. In this month’s article, I’d like to briefly review a couple of key points that will help you cultivate the dynamic you’re looking for.

Dominants – Communicate Your Expectations: This may sound like an obvious recommendation, but you’d be surprised how may dominants either don’t communicate what they really want, or haven’t even decided what really serves them. Very often, they assume that the stereotype of “The BDSM Dominant” has to be what they’re signing up for, and just follow a prescribed pattern. Others will find out what their partner likes, and then try to deliver that. My recommendation for developing a successful dynamic, is to take time to introspect and fully understand your true preferences. Focus on what fulfills you and consider what your submissive can do to provide that fulfillment. Clarify your style of dominance: Do you prefer subs who strive to anticipate your needs, or subs who await direction? Do you want a sub who grovels, or one who stands on equal, but subordinate ground? Does pomp and circumstance, high protocol, and formality serve you, or do you prefer less roleplay and formality? I recommend writing these definitions down. No one need see them, you can even throw them away immediately – but writing them down will help you articulate the concepts and structure the message.

Whether they fit a “dominant-mold” or not, communicate your preferences to your submissive. Don’t worry if they don’t seem “dominant enough”. Your expectations will become their definition of submission. Subs make horrible mind-readers – be sure to communicate clearly and take the time to get feedback, so you know your submissive “gets it”.

A key piece of advice: When determining what submission means to you, put aside what your sub prefers. That may sound harsh and one-sided, but this exercise is about determining what submission to you entails. It’s not going to be the end-all of your dynamic, but for you to effectively communicate expectations that will serve you, they need to be about YOUR preferences. There is ample opportunity to give your sub things they enjoy…but when it comes to defining what submission to you is, the message has to be about things that are FOR YOU! For instance: Don’t tell a sub they have to bow when they enter your presence unless having them do so actually serves YOU in some way. Don’t feel

like you have to establish a dress code or an honorific system, unless you feel empowered by it. If pleasing you means that a sub needs to offer themselves as a canvas for your sadistic desires, then state that expectation, but don’t feel you have to be sadistic in order to be a dominant. Don’t think about the imagery of dominance, think about what pleases you. Create your own definition of dominance and communicate that. INSIST on it. Create a set of expectations that serve you, communicate those, then openly EXPECT your sub to fulfill them!

Submissives: The thing that trips up most submissives is the “topping from the bottom” mentality. It’s an overplayed topic and I promise I’m not going to preach its evils here. However, there are two extremely common, very subtle, forms of manipulation that generally are not discussed, but which may well be undermining your efforts to be the best submissive you can be…And you may not even be aware you’re doing them!

The first manipulation to be avoided, is a technique I call, Passive Rewards and Punishment. Yes … submissives rewarding and punishing the dominant! Here’s how it works: When the dominant does something that the submissive enjoys and would like to have in their dynamic, the submissive reacts in an overly positive way: Their energy goes up, they improve the level of their attention and show how excited the activity makes them. Conversely, when the dominant does something that that submissive does not enjoy so much, they become sullen, sluggish, non-enthusiastic, resistant, and sometimes even ornery! The result is an unspoken manipulation, in which the dominant is rewarded for behavior that is in line with the submissive’s desires, and punished for those activities in which the submissive would rather not engage. Rather than focusing on the happiness of the dominant (the commitment the submissive makes when they submit), the submissive passively creates a dynamic in which the dominant is forced to focus on the preferences of the submissive in order to avoid resistance. I’ve seen submissives guilty of this without having the slightest idea that they were doing it…in fact, some of them believed they were HELPING their partner by showing them “how much better life can be” when certain things were in the dynamic. One classic example of this, is when subs insist that they be put in chastity in order to elicit top-level performance – insisting on being forced (what they want) in order to serve well (what the dominant wants).

Of course, consciously or subconsciously, dominants feel this manipulation and react to it. They may lose interest in the dynamic and pull away from it, feeling that the dynamic is no longer serving them. The spiral often continues when the sub senses the dominant’s resentment or lack of interest and then blames them for not being “dominant enough” … which is certainly more punishment and downhill we go…

The second subtle technique of topping from the bottom is “Falling short of expectation to test a dominant’s resolve”. The extreme form of this is “Bratting”, but I’m talking about a much subtler manipulation. I’ve watched as subs “test the waters”: The dominant says they want something, or something done a certain way, and the submissive deliberately falls short of that expectation, to see if the dominant will insist on the quality. They want the dominant to actively correct them; to demonstrate that they are active and involved in the dynamic. They want to test a limit and feel a boundary. Once again, the focus is sub-centric; failing to concentrate on how the behavior effects the dominant…failing to put priority on how well the submission fits the dominant’s expectations.

A word of warning: Subs have had “Topping from the bottom is bad” drilled into their heads in every piece of literature, every blog, etc. While it’s good for a sub to be aware of avoiding such manipulations, there is a risk that the fear of topping from the bottom could cause communication to break down. I’ve had many subs ask how they can request things of their dominant partners, without

topping from the bottom. I always answer, “Talk to them!” Subs are so afraid to manipulate, they lose the ability to communicate. So dominants, be aware that your sub might be holding back valuable feedback and make sure you make it comfortable to share.

That’s a starter for this month! Next month, I’ll share some guidance I gave a sub who was facing exactly that challenge: How to approach his dominant with suggestions of how to serve her better, without topping from the bottom. Until then, focus on communicating and listening – and avoid the subtle manipulations that often plague our dynamics and have some fun!

– Rika.

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Ms. Rika

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