Ms. Rika

I hope you’ve been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I was working with a couple dealing with conflicts of identity and role. Several months ago, the woman reached out to me on Fetlife, asking for help convincing her husband/master to extend their bedroom dynamic into a lifestyle. After building an e-friendship, the three of us got together to see if I could help them. 

They had been married for 15 years and had incorporated BDSM-like activities in the bedroom. As we chatted, I learned their story: They were high school sweethearts, remained friends through college, and found each other again once both had hit the workforce. They had a short romance and married. About eight years into the marriage, and a few unsuccessful attempts at starting a family, they were dealing with stress in the bedroom. They had played with power dynamics in their early years and decided to use that to rekindle the flame in the bedroom. She took on the submissive role and he became her “Master”. 

Over the next five years, their playtime increased. She was, by far, the instigator. She was active on Fetlife and spent a lot of her time reading up on BDSM toys and techniques. She introduced new ideas to try. He learned as much as he could, took a seminar on rope work in San Francisco, and a class on flogging at a local bookstore. A year before she reached out to me, she had suggested bringing another man into the equation as her husband’s second sub. It was not received well. They fought about it and it put a crimp in their dynamic’s progress. They had been searching for solutions, since. 

As I often do, I had separate conversations with each of them, trying to understand the way they viewed their dynamic and looking for differences to discuss. They had some, but interestingly, the most telling outcome wasn’t in their differences, rather, in one particular similarity they shared: The intent with which they BOTH approached their dynamic was the same: To please HER! 

If you’ve been reading my articles, and if you’ve read any of my books on D/s dynamics, you know I’m a strong proponent of dominant-centric submission: I ask the dominant to introspect and answer the question, “What do YOU really want?” as a means of assuring that the definition of submission is based on the preferences of the dominant. 

In this situation, everything about their power dynamic revolved around her preferences. He was the dominant, but he was entirely focused on perfecting his behavior to maximize her reaction to it. His pleasure in their dynamic was, “The joy of knowing I can please her”. He showed me a few books and articles she had given him, in which she had highlighted the scenes she enjoyed and wanted to try. He shared that when they complete a scene, she tells him what worked and what didn’t, and what he should do more or less of. When I asked him how he measures his ability as a dominant, he laughed and answered, “I ask her!” And most telling, when I asked him what she does for him – that truly serves HIM, he couldn’t grasp that it was NOT a redundant question, and that he had not already answered it! 

Most people won’t enjoy dominating if their submissive isn’t enjoying submitting. However, this level of direction from her struck me as an issue. It was clear that no matter how many honorifics you put before 

his name, he was NOT the dominant in their relationship! This wasn’t a case of “topping from below” – because he didn’t appear to be all that interested in being “above”. Also, she wasn’t complaining about his style of dominance or lack of creativity. She was scripting it. 

This led to a pointed discussion with her. Our previous conversations focused on her stated desire to extend their dynamic into a full-time lifestyle, but now I was questioning her motivation. Was she really ready to let him change his style of dominance to a lifestyle, where his preferences were primary? Did she just want more “topping” or did she really want her husband to demand more for himself? Would she even be able to stand that? 

I probed in these areas. At the end of the conversation, she admitted to being the natural dominant in their relationship and, more importantly, that she really had no interest in actually serving anyone. She enjoyed having him focused on serving her preferences and liked the fact that he was fulfilled by her pleasure. Still, she enjoyed being the slave. He had become adept at the techniques she taught him. He was a good student (as are most good submissives). 

She was having a bit of an identity crisis; not being able to rationalize her desire to enjoy the endorphin rush, moments of helplessness, and release that BDSM provided, against her natural dominance. She was conflicted…and searching for a change. 

Things became clarified. Since we now agreed that she was the real dominant in the relationship, I asked HER: “What do you REALLY want?” 

Ultimately, she wanted a “Service Top”. She didn’t realize such a thing existed: A submissive who, as part of their service to their dominant, acts as the top in BDSM scenarios. In all other ways, she enjoyed her husband’s submissive nature. In fact, she intimated that she might like to extend his role as her submissive – provided she could still “Demand” a master in the bedroom. He seemed quite agreeable to that notion. 

As I said in my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant”, you never know what a situation really entails when you’re on the outside of the window looking in. You need to individualize your dynamics and flow where preferences take you. It’s not WHAT you do, it’s WHY you do what you do. 

As for these two, only time will tell where this will go. I will keep track of their progress and try to help out with any other complications that arise. By the time this article reaches publication, it’s likely that a couple of more months will have gone by. If you’re interested in their progress, contact me here or on Fetlife…or via email (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com). 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to share a little fun I have on those occasions when I feel like playing with power dynamics in scenes. These are not my definition of submission for my sub, they’re situations where I just feel like putting my power out there on display and playfully enjoy rubbing my sub’s nose in it, a bit. 

Being the dominant affords me the right to flaunt my authority from time to time. Being the sub means that sometimes, my partner is going to have to deal with inequities…and, if I choose to leverage that my whim is his gospel, he’s just going to have to suck it up and deal with it! 

There are innumerous ways to demonstrate capricious control. Here are two that I particularly enjoy. Both relate to the façade of “negotiation”, where I’m willing negotiate with my partner – Only, since I’m holding all of the cards – the “negotiation” is completely one-sided. 

1) The Lesser of Two Evils The first “technique” is when I open a negotiation by allowing him to argue for what he interprets as the lesser of two evils. He doesn’t get to choose one, he gets to try to convince me to choose the one he would rather have. He’s not going to avoid having to endure something he doesn’t like, he’s going to be allowed to negotiate to get the one he dislikes less. 

I know the things he really doesn’t enjoy…so, I choose two, set them against each other in a “This-or- That”, and let him negotiate to receive one. To motivate the most from the bargaining, you have to make one at least a little less distasteful than the other: “Today you’re going to be caned on the bottoms of your feet (something he doesn’t like), or you’re going to eat dogfood from the soles of my boots (something he REALLY doesn’t like)…convince me to choose one”. 

This leads to a very interesting negotiation. First, the irony of having to negotiate for something you don’t like is difficult enough…and I’m going to insist that his negotiations are heart-felt or he won’t be able to convince me. Secondly, there isn’t much he can offer that I can’t have anyway…since he’s my sub and already has committed to do whatever I want him to. Not only could I get anything he can offer without making concessions, but if I wanted him to, he’d be enduring both things anyway. He has to work pretty hard. 

This is a really powerful and fun technique. As those who have read my first book, “Uniquely Rika” know, irony can be used to demonstrate power. This is certainly one of those situations! He has to face his helplessness in this context, and has to face that something unpleasant is going to happen, simply because I deem it so. 

2) Just Before the Point of No Return Those who have read my books or even my previous articles, know that I enjoy Tease & Denial games (See my “Please Stop… article in KinkWeekly”). One of the best times to establish a one-sided negotiation is when a sub has been teased and denied to the point that he’s ready to offer just about anything for release. Again, as his dominant, I can have anything I want, anytime I want…this is just a fun 

game that enhances his feeling of desperation and builds to a more enjoyable scene (T&D does not create submission…it creates desire that I control – and hence creates dependence on my whim for his pleasure. Fun for both of us ) 

The technique is to get him very close to orgasm and then hold him at the edge without going over. The longer you can hold him on the edge, the more powerful this negotiation becomes. I’ve found this to be easier if you get him to the edge using a feather touch…just a single finger, strategically placed on the most sensitive spots. I will use full hand motions and stroking until he gets to the “Please Stop” point, then shift to a single finger under the frenum and continue building him like that until he’s a second away…and then just stop contact. I have found that guys will float right at the edge of orgasm for many seconds until they start to calm down a bit, and then, another feather touch will quickly bring them back to that point – over and over again. If you know your sub’s body, you can keep him there as long as you please. The light touch slows his progress down enough to allow you to get the timing just right. 

This is when I start the “negotiation”. It can start with simple things and grow as you wish: ”Kiss my ass if you want a chance to orgasm”…”If I let you orgasm, do you agree to eat it all up?” (They love that one)…”Make up a poem for me…right now!”…”I want a new car!” You can be as random as you like and demand as many things as you want…make the tasks as difficult as you wish. Let him convince you to let him orgasm. He’ll fall all over himself trying to fulfill his end of the negotiation. 

Or, you can introduce a predicament. I was shown a video where a dominant had her sub at this point, and offered him the option of having intercourse without an orgasm, or getting an orgasm without intercourse. It was sweet to watch him try to process that choice (after a great deal of deliberation during which she continued his brutal tease, he opt’d for the orgasm, which she promptly ruined). 

If you want to have some fun…try these techniques with your submissive. Let your imagination run free! Reach out to me and tell me how you like them! 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com) is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A-Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I’ve recently heard the term “Role Reversal” used in the context of female-led power dynamics and it struck me that this is likely a source of confusion for many couples. I thought I would explore that here today. NOTE: For this discussion, I’m deliberately ignoring the misogynistic implication of the presumption that males are naturally the dominant partner, and allowing that stereotype to influence my response. I’ll leave that battle to another discussion! 

The common notion is that when a woman is the dominant in a relationship, she is taking on the stereotypical male role. For example: FLR (Female Led Relationship) is often described as the “1950’s man of the house” role now being assumed by the woman. Or when a woman wants to be the aggressor in the bedroom, the stereotypical imagery of the dominant male in leather and chains, must be transitioned for her to be believable. The porn-industry takes this to the extreme: It’s almost mandatory that videos with female dominants have at least one scene where the women are “pegging” guys with strap-ons…or the men are sucking their heels “like it’s a cock”. Basically, the message is that role reversal means “a woman acting like a man”; penetrating their submissives and getting their “cocks” sucked. 

Unfortunately, many people – both men and women – believe this to be true. Many submissive men only will seek women who follow that trope and even try to insist on it, in order to consider her to be dominant. I speak to many women (in and out the D/s realm) who fall into the trap of assuming that “being like a man” equates to freedom and independence – that equality is achieved through mimicry. Maybe that IS what they want to do, but the presumption of “male behavior equaling dominant behavior” overrides the process of individual discovery. 

Many women want to break away from the docile role and seek freedom and independence: Fact. However, many men and women struggle with the notion that a woman who wants independence and freedom may want something different than what a man wants. I have met way too many women who won’t consider being the dominant in a relationship, because they don’t want that stereotype. They end up missing out on something that could be very fulfilling for them. 

So, when we think about changing our roles and define role reversal in this way, we end up limiting ourselves by restricting our own expectations. We basically allow our standards to be set based on a stereotypical scale, rather than determining what being a dominant really means to us – defining what “submission to us” entails – and then setting out to create that in our relationships. If you’re going to be a dominant (male or female), step one is to introspect and determine what you want, regardless of the stereotypes. 

I know this from experience. When I was younger and found myself in relationships where I was in control, I found a thrill in “acting like a guy”. I found myself being rough and demanding, dressing strong, yelling, striking. It was a strange feeling, because although I was enjoying the power, I wasn’t being myself. These scenarios would last for relatively short periods of time – usually a couple of hours, or 

occasionally a day or a weekend at most. It worked for scene-based relationships. But as my relationships matured, the prospect of transitioning that to a full-time, lifestyle D/s dynamic was downright terrifying to me. I could never pretend to be someone that I’m not…not for the rest of my life! I almost missed out on what was my second most fulfilling dynamic (the first being motherhood). Life for me changed when I realized that being a dominant in a D/s relationship in which the submissive is focused on MY definition of submission, is not only more fulfilling, but is doable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year – because I remain who I am and am not trying to play a role. 

So, my recommendation for all of you budding dominants…and even those who are deep into the scene and looking to extend it to a lifestyle dynamic: This is not “Role Reversal”, because no one is already in YOUR role. The definition of YOUR role is unique. Throw away your preconceived notions of “what dominants do” – and introspect on what makes you happy…whatever that is. Identify what you want, then define submission to be all that enables whatever that is. Communicate that to your submissive. Then enjoy! 

– Rika 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I thought I’d discuss a comical correlation that “dawned” on me. My husband is an avid golfer. He absolutely loves the game and I enjoy giving him the time to play it, as much as possible, but apparently, as it is for many folks, it’s kind of a love/hate relationship for him – and it makes me laugh. 

Let’s face it, there are very few true “experts” when it comes to golf, and at any time, even the best fall victim to the level of their incompetence. For the average golfer, practice and preparation increase the odds of success, but they’re only odds…and failure is inevitable. My husband’s game is good, but not great. He’s scoring in the low to mid 80s and will occasionally break into the high 70s. But he will also have days in the 90s. Jimmy Demaret is credited with the quote, “Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at” and it seems to be true. 

When my husband comes home, he tells me about the good and the bad of the day – and I laugh inside. I laugh because he is completely unaware that the Golf Gods are clearly women…and they are executing the PERFECT T&D on his tortured soul! 

On many occasions, in my books and writings, I’ve asserted that Tease and Denial is more effective than Denial alone. I’ve pointed out that HOPE is the major contributor to anticipation, which is then the major contributor to excitement. Someone who knows they will be denied, without the hope of orgasm will protect themselves and lower their libido, and the denial will not be as effective. But a person who honestly has hope / belief that THIS time is THE time, will be far more devastated (in a good way) when denial is imposed. 

The Golf Goddesses have my total respect. They have their act together! No matter how bad a golfer is, no matter how bad their day is going, the Golf Goddesses have a way of throwing that miraculous shot, that one carrot – that boomer that arcs high in the air, has a slight draw, hits the green just past the hole, and BACKS UP toward it. Did you see that shot? Tiger would be proud to have had that shot! Arnie just rolled in his grave. THAT’S the shot you’ll remember every time you tee off. It’s what you’ll talk about with your buddies for the rest of the year. It’s the shot that brings you back…for more. The Golf Goddesses are brilliant practitioners of Tease and Denial, for they give you just enough to believe you have a chance. They give you the hope that Today is THE day! But as avid golfers have told me, they are selective in their gifts. One day, they’ll give you great irons, but take away your putter. Another day, you’ll putt like Jack Nicholas, if you could only “hit a green”. Brilliant…Just Brilliant! Rename it to “TEES” and Denial! 

My aim, as dominant to my submissive and the “Golf-Goddess-equivalent” of his orgasm, is to provide that same anticipation and excitement. I want to introduce the element of HOPE. Today may be THE day! I want to make him want to come back for more, no matter how frustrating it is for him. The frustration makes that moment of success so much more delicious…So appreciated…So memorable. 

This is why total denial doesn’t really work for me. Never getting an orgasm will cause him to dread a round. Rather, I want him to anticipate it, dream about it, desire it. From time to time, I’ll allow him that wonderful moment…and sometimes, he won’t even have to wait long for it. Sometimes he might get three great shots in a row – without any frustration. Which will help him through those droughts where he may go a very long time without. 

I guess the only difference between golf and T&D for my husband, is that he might get less frustration in golf – if he continues to play and practice. The Golf Goddesses are generous that way. Not so, at my hands 🙂 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

The catalyst for this article is a discussion I had with a man who was looking for advice on creating a contract with his wife that would deepen his dependence on her, as a means to deepen his enslavement to her. His goal was to make himself entirely financially dependent on her by shifting all of their assets into her name, signing a nuptial agreement to provide him no rights in the event of a separation, arranging for direct deposit of his income into accounts in her name, and establishing a single account to which he would have access, into which she could deposit his allowance. He also sought out means to make her his health proxy as well as giving her general power of attorney over him. Effectively making him as indentured as he could be, legally. He’s located in a Scandinavian country and had to deal with the laws there, and was looking for ways to transfer the assets without tax implication for her…and seemed to find a way to do it (through a fairly convoluted sequence of divorce proceedings, prenups, and machinations that I don’t pretend to fully understand). 

My point in this article is not the legality, or even the feasibility, of such agreements – whether in Scandinavia, the US, or in any country. Rather, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I had as we discussed his intentions. I was wondering if he was going through this manipulation of justice for any real impact. I wondered if things will actually change between them, despite the fact that his wife was in favor of the arrangement and even felt empowered by it. I doubted that this would be an effective change…here’s my rationale: 

Police will tell you that owning a gun will not provide you any self-defense if you’re not willing to potentially kill someone. For the average caring person, the consequences of pulling the trigger while pointing the gun at another human will cause you to hesitate, which could contribute to your own death – as the bad guys won’t hesitate. For a consequence to be a motivator, you have to be willing to carry out the threat. 

My concern, in the case of this gentleman and his wife, is that they have two kids together and are very much in love. He runs his own businesses, and has access to funding sources and banking institutions without her; sources of loopholes for him, should he ever need them. What are her true recourses via this agreement that will motivate his submission? Is she really going to kick the father of her two children to the street without a penny? Is she really going to declare him insane and put him away in a hospital? Is she going to destroy her family because he won’t submit? 

I’ve seen couples create contracts that stipulate ownership as property (not legally enforceable) with all-sorts of unrealistic consequences – and even one that included the language from the contract in “Venus in Furs” that provided recourse to the dominant providing the right to end the life of the submissive. I’m sure they enjoyed the thrill of putting their names to the contract (and it has value for that), but even if we pretend it were legal, would this actually be an effective motivation? This is the kink-porn version of “Stop that or I’m turning this car around right now!” 

Effective motivation comes via actionable consequences. 

For many people, the question of actionable consequences results in implementation of “Punishments”. I have many concerns regarding the use of punishments (see my article, “Why I don’t Punish” at https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-kink-weekly/rikas-lair-dont-punish/ ). 

As stated in that article, I prefer to take a no-nonsense, highly practical approach to the issue of motivating submission: “If you want to submit, submit…if you don’t, don’t.” I’d rather not have any power dynamic, than have one with someone who isn’t willing to put the effort into wanting it to improve. I don’t want to have to manipulate submissives, I want them to want to submit to the best of their ability. I’m not going to force anyone into submission. They commit willingly and fully. Then it’s their responsibility to live up to that commitment. Subs may not like my position at first, but after they’ve lived with it for a while, it becomes the only way they want to have a D/s relationship. I feel it’s because my desire for their submission is real – and not full of artificial consequences. 

I’m not suggesting that every mistake a submissive makes is punishable by dissolution of the power dynamic…far from it. However, I choose to avoid the ineffective motivations of artificial consequences. The actions of remediation are real and effective: If a sub fails to deliver high-quality submission, we’re going to talk about it and together, we’re going to figure out how he can adapt his execution to improve. The onus of his improvement remains with him. The motivation for these improvements is our shared desire to make our dynamic as fulfilling as possible for both of us. As a result, the final actionable consequence of repeated inability to adapt and improve will be the unfortunate termination of the power dynamic. That’s a real consequence that’s an effective motivation. It’s one I work hard to avoid. 

The outcome of the agreement the couple above have chosen remains in question. They signed their papers yesterday and, as soon as their divorce is initiated, she will own everything, outright. Will that change their dynamic? My guess is, in the short term, absolutely. But in the long term, once the thrill wears off and the reality of ineffective motivation kicks in? Time will tell, but I suspect I know the end of that story. 

– Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I recently came across an online documentary regarding the topic of Financial Dominance (known as “Findom”). Most people, by now, have heard of this genre, but fundamentally, it’s the use of financial transactions as a tool of dominance. Rather than the physical control of bondage, or the demonstration of power imbalance through whipping or worship, having one’s finances controlled is the manifestation of choice. Unlike traditional professional dominance, where money is provided in exchange for forms of dominance, in Findom, the money itself is the currency of dominance. No other form of control or power is necessarily exchanged. Financial Dominance didn’t start with the internet, but it has matured with it, broadening its exposure accessibility. Stereotypically, financial dominants tend to be women, and their submissives tend to be men. 

Findom receives a great deal of bad press. It’s cited in many cases of extreme abuse: Submissives emptying their bank accounts, destroying their families and lives at the demand of a dominant they might never have met in person. Of people becoming addicted to a dominant, who has no concern for their well-being, and losing site of rational self-preservation – only to be ignored and forgotten when their fiscal means runs out. The dominants who engage in Findom are often accused of “taking the road to easy money” by not providing any real service, not having any specialized skills, training, or equipment, and just viewing this as an ‘easy’ means to get rich. Purists of BDSM see Findom as the commercialization of their craft and the commoditization of an art. There is a lot of angst and anger in the voices of the critics, and a lot of disbelief among those who view the participants. 

Before stating my opinion, let me be clear that I am not a Findom, and have never even been a professional dominant. Outside of the sales of my books, I have never made a dime through my power dynamics. I have the utmost respect for professional dominants and a natural respect for anyone who understands a system well enough to make it lucrative, within the law. 

To start, let’s do away with all the surprise and angst as to why Financial Dominance is attractive to many men. Just look at the professional porn industry and consider how it depicts female dominance in general. What is the imagery you see when you think of “Femdom Porn”? I envision one or more beautiful women using a man for their pleasure. Their focus is entirely on the man and they’re studying him as he attempts to tolerate whatever they choose do to him. They seem to find great pleasure in torturing him. They are focused on him, examining him, and monitoring his reactions. 

This image sells. Men like this imagery for a reason: They see a man as the center of the action, surrounded by beautiful women, who are giving him attention and who are deriving pleasure from him…The man is the “real star”, and the viewer can project themselves into his place. In fact, the sub is often covered in a hood, making it even easier to place themselves behind his mask! They want women to want them enough to want to torture them. To SELECT HIM to torture. They feel special…selected…and deserving of her time. 

And why use money as a currency of dominance? Well, that’s easy: Throughout civilizations, the stereotypical man has sought to differentiate himself from other men through his wallet. His sense of worth is his ability to earn. His wallet is a symbol of his accomplishment. Many men view this as their most valuable asset. Why is it confusing that a woman targeting a man’s wallet would be a turn on for 

that man? If his mind values money over all else anyway, why wouldn’t giving that to a woman who also values it, reflect as submission to him? These men view their wallets as their tickets to the show! Women seeing them as having value (value they share), wanting them, and SELECTING them to dominate, just makes sense to them. 

Here’s a consideration I’d bet you hadn’t thought of before: 

I can even see how some submissives might consider Financial Dominance MORE REALISTIC than professional dominance! Consider that, in professional dominance dynamics, submissives want to believe that they are unique to the dominant…that somehow, the dominant is SELECTING them to dominate…even when it’s obvious they’re just a customer. Whether real or not, the successful professional dominant makes the submissive feel that they are special; that there is a connection beyond the money. There is an unspoken façade that, although money is necessarily being exchanged, it’s secondary to the desire to dominate and submit…and, in particular, that desire is enhanced with HIM. 

Financial dominance discards that façade. The thought that the Findom dominant finds them attractive is real and believable to the Findom submissive, because HE truly believes that his wallet is his main source of worth and accomplishment. It is fed by his own belief that his value is his money. They feel genuine attraction. The concept that this woman is attracted to him makes sense, because she’s not attracted to him, she’s attracted to his ability to provide. It’s real on a pure level…perhaps the purest and most openly honest level of all professional dominance? 

Perhaps the hatred of Findom is actually resistance to the change that comes around when people admit that the Emperor really IS naked. Money puts the “Pro” in Pro Dominance. Findom puts that right out there for all to see. That can easily offend some and disillusion others. 

I won’t be jumping on the Findom bandwagon. For me, power dynamics are about service and commitment and relationships. I have a dominant-centric view of submission…by now, you all know that about me. But I understand the attraction of Financial Dominance, for BOTH the submissive and dominant. I don’t feel angry or confused by the existence of the Findom world. It’s not a mystery and it’s not evil. It is what it is. 

I’d love to hear your opinion. Write in comments below, or email me at: Ms_Rika@hotmail.com. 

– Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.