Ms. Rika

Rika’s Lair – The “Gamification” of Submission

May 19, 2019 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box above for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! This month, I wanted to share some ideas I originally introduced in my second book, “Uniquely Us” regarding a trend that I’ve seen in our culture. It’s a phenomenon that plays in our everyday life, and it’s having an impact in the way people are viewing their D/s dynamics…perhaps in a way that undermines the long-term success of our relationships.

In our online experiences, we live in a world of advertising-based compensation, where the experience is free for the visitor and advertisers pay the way, in exchange for being able to post their marketing information where you’ll see it. This is the old TV methodology, which has been reborn (after a temporary death due to cable TV) in the digital world and is prevalent in online gaming, intranet-based businesses, and online sites, like KinkWeekly and FetLife. This has created the need for new techniques, designed to assure visitors continue to return to the site, where they can be repeatedly exposed to the advertisements. The industry term is “Attract and Retain“.

One of the trending techniques, is called “Gamification“. It’s the introduction of game-related artifacts (e.g., badges, rewards, goals, “likes”, etc.) into a situation that isn’t really a game. The goal of gamification is to make a “challenge” out of an experience; with small, achievable, usually free, measurements and rewards, designed to provide the feeling of success that encourages people to stay with the program. The advertisers recognize that people tend to have short little spans of attention that require short-termed successes in order make them desire to return. Games fit the bill.

It started to dawn on me that there are a lot of folks seeking to “Gamify” power dynamics. As an observation and not a generality, I’ve noticed that this tendency seems to be more prevalent in the men I meet. I’ve seen a lot of discussion of “Point systems”, “Goals”, “Rewards”, “Consequences”, etc. – The belief is that you will obtain better submission by offering artificial, obtainable, objectives into play, to encourage a submissive to raise their level (or “Level-Up”). They can amass “points” and eventually exchange them for something desirable.

Here’s the issue: Gamification plays to the sub-centric mind and encourages sub-centricity – since obtaining objectives and short-termed wins is all about the player. These objectives shift the sub’s focus from the long-term, practical objective of serving one’s partner, onto the immediate, tangible, short-termed measurements of the game. In short, the objective becomes about “achieving” rather than “providing”. It is very easy for a sub to lose sight of the ultimate objective of their submission – the pleasure obtained by providing the best possible service they can to their chosen dominant – as they turn their attention to “beating the game” and earning rewards for themselves.

I’ve started to realize that the major objective of my approach to D/s; that of dominant-centric submission; deliberately avoids the gamification of power dynamics. The focus of my methodology is on providing for the dominant. As you already know if you’ve read my previous articles or my books, I don’t use rewards or punishments, but rather put the emphasis on communication and expectation. I push away the notion of empirical measurement and encourage the practices of dominant-centered assessment and feedback, where the measurement of success for the submissive is purely the subjective opinion of the dominant. The dominant’s generosity drives reward (gifts/treats), as subs cannot “earn” them by achieving specific goals. My approach is about improvement of service over the long-haul, not short-term gain. It’s about evolving into the best submissive for a unique

dominant, rather than achieving a set of goals / thresholds. Gamification works against those dominant-centric tenets. It distracts a submissive in a way that is decidedly sub-centric. I advise against it.

I’ve had to consider this position carefully…because gamification is a highly successful, proven technique. There is no denying the effectiveness of stimulating dopamine, the body’s neurotransmitter most commonly associated with the brain’s pleasure and reward system (in some games, you earn points that are actually called, ‘Dopamine Packs’). We feel good when we achieve. Whether we are products of our environment, or simply vulnerable to the “immediate gratification mentality”, people respond very well to games (and again, as an observation, more men than women). However, the downside is that playing games makes the benefit to the dominant a secondary consideration, and dilutes the imbalance of power within the dynamic.

Some people feel that, “If it works, do it” …and that’s fine, but I fear there is a cost. Is a person who plays the game and achieves within the reward system, REALLY engaged? Is their submission based in reality or just artificially, within the scope of the game? Will they eventually bore of the game or move on to another one? As a dominant, do you have to keep raising the stakes to maintain the submissive’s interest? What about the quality of their submission; is the highest quality of service obtained when it is intended to serve the preferences of the dominant, or when it is self-serving?

From my perspective the answer to these questions are straight forward. I don’t want to be served as part of a game, I want to be served as part of our reality. Being a game-keeper is more work for me, which is certainly not desirable. Plus, I refuse to have to play within the rules of a game to be a dominant.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this. Respond in the comments below, or write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com…or do both! I look forward to hearing from you.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair – Making Requests of Your Dominant, Without Topping from the Bottom

April 14, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

In last month’s column, we were discussing some basics regarding a mindset that cultivates the best possible submission for your relationship. We talked about a sequence that starts with the dominant’s introspection as to what truly serves them, the communication of that expectation, and the submissive’s responsibility to understand and adapt to that expectation in order to fulfill it without attempting to manipulate the dominant. We also discussed two very subtle variations of “Topping from the Bottom” that plague many couples and discussed avoiding them. To read that article, or any of my other articles in Kink Weekly, click on my name in the by-line, or type “Rika” in the search box on this site!

This month, I want to share related advice that I gave a man who is living in a D/s dynamic with his dominant wife. I’ve corresponded with this couple many times since they first read my books and reached out to me for advice and clarification. When they started, she was relatively new to D/s, had tried being a dominatrix in rather stereotypical ways without feeling a connection, then found that the dominant centric methodology rang true for her. She has since been developing her definition of submission for her husband and is truly beginning to feel her dominant identity. He reports he is beside himself with happiness and is becoming more and more “enslaved” in ways he never imagined he would be.

When he reached out to me last month, he mentioned that his wife was facing a great deal of pressure with her job and life was getting in the way of their dynamic. It seemed to him that she could use him to relive her of some of that pressure, but she wasn’t enlisting his service. He felt she was passing by opportunities where having a sub would relieve her burden. She was inundated with work, which, in his mind, was the perfect opportunity for her to use her slave (him) to lessen her load and to let her stay focused on whatever she deemed to be important. But she wasn’t engaging in that way, and when he approached her about it, she rebuffed him in a gentle, but clearly disinterested manner. It seemed to him, that she had forgotten that he was there to serve. He wanted to continue to suggest ways in which he could be used, but feared he would be seen as topping from the bottom – something he was afraid to do (as I mentioned in last month’s article). Instead, he remained quiet; feeling quite alone in their dynamic and becoming resentful and disappointed. He asked me if he should talk to her about his feelings.

I’d seen this before: The submissive sees real life stress as an opportunity to promote the dynamic, but the dominant is not on the same page. There are many reasons why this might be the case. While it is possible that the dominant may not view the power dynamic to be as “Real Life” as the sub does and the daily pressures of real life are “REAL” and the dynamic is “that game that we play”, it is also possible that the dominant may just prefer to deal with their stress themselves, may not feel that the sub should be burdened by their issues, or may be overwhelmed and feel the dynamic distracts them from focusing where they need to. Subs know there are alternatives, but tend to fixate on the thought that the dominant is not present in the dynamic. The fear of abandonment is so strong, it causes them to doubt if the dynamic is real or only exists in their head.

My recommendation, to this sub and to others, is to go ahead and discuss your feelings with your dominant, HOWEVER, that it is critical to pick a time to have the conversation when your dominant is not as stressed. Then, you must communicate in a way that avoids the appearance of instructing or cajoling your dominant. Rather, you can suggest that, in times of stress, you could be useful. I advise to ask your dominant to think about the last time they were really busy and to consider if there was something that you could have taken on or done that would have made their life easier. You might have prepared some suggestions. Without immediate pressures, and thinking back on times of stress, dominants are more likely to be able to consider how having a submissive could have helped them. Your dominant is far more likely to be able to think up things you could have done and more receptive to your ideas.

Then the challenge is back on you. The next time your dominant is stressed out, offer to do the type of task that your dominant had discussed. Hopefully, this rings a bell for your dominant as they will remember how they had thought it might help, and then allow you to help.

There is a word of caution here: Perform the tasks with all your effort and really focus on relieving your dominant’s stress, but do it without requiring a lot of their attention. Too often, when finally allowed to help, subs jump in with a great deal of enthusiasm, but repeatedly call attention to themselves – wanting the dominant to acknowledge how much they are helping. It’s natural to want that feedback, particularly if you are doubting your dominant’s commitment to the dynamic, but this defeats the purpose of doing the tasks in the first place, by distracting the dominant from the real task at hand. This is sure to leave a bad taste in your dominant’s mouth. The key is to help without fanfare, and trust that the positive impact of your efforts will be recognized in due time. Your dominant will not only get relief from their stress, but will likely remember it as a positive experience – and hopefully expect it in the future. They might also begin to recognize that there are other uses for someone who wants to focus on them in other situations. Success without topping from the bottom!

The same strategy holds true for making ANY request of a dominant. Subs need to communicate their thoughts, but to do so at a convenient time for the dominant – not in the heat of the moment. Preparation for the future is far more effective for making requests. Giving the dominant time to digest the ideas without pressure, allows them to be more giving and lessens the chance of generating resentment. Thinking back on similar situations and discussing the possibilities sets the stage for when those circumstances present themselves again in the future. Try it! Then tell me how it works out!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Cultivating The Best Submission Possible For Your Relationship

March 17, 2019 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been introducing you to my approach to Service-Oriented D/s dynamics. We’ve discussed the intent of submission as well as the roles of both the dominant and the submissive. We’ve looked at obligations and responsibilities within the context of power dynamics and discussed submission as a form of commitment and dedication. If you haven’t read the previous Kink Weekly articles, click on my name in the byline above to get links to each of the previous articles!

Let’s dive right in!

Good Submission: If you’ve read my prior articles (or my books), you’ll know that I don’t believe in any single definition of “Good” when it comes to submission. There are no general activities, attitudes, or actions that define good submission – because each dominant defines submission based on their own unique preferences. Therefore, the quality of submission can only be measured by the dominant being served. Being a “good submissive” doesn’t have meaning unless it’s relative to a specific dominant, where submission is aimed at fulling their set of communicated expectations.

Therefore, to arrive at “The Best Submission Possible” for your relationship, the dominant will need to communicate, and the sub will need to learn and adapt. In this month’s article, I’d like to briefly review a couple of key points that will help you cultivate the dynamic you’re looking for.

Dominants – Communicate Your Expectations: This may sound like an obvious recommendation, but you’d be surprised how may dominants either don’t communicate what they really want, or haven’t even decided what really serves them. Very often, they assume that the stereotype of “The BDSM Dominant” has to be what they’re signing up for, and just follow a prescribed pattern. Others will find out what their partner likes, and then try to deliver that. My recommendation for developing a successful dynamic, is to take time to introspect and fully understand your true preferences. Focus on what fulfills you and consider what your submissive can do to provide that fulfillment. Clarify your style of dominance: Do you prefer subs who strive to anticipate your needs, or subs who await direction? Do you want a sub who grovels, or one who stands on equal, but subordinate ground? Does pomp and circumstance, high protocol, and formality serve you, or do you prefer less roleplay and formality? I recommend writing these definitions down. No one need see them, you can even throw them away immediately – but writing them down will help you articulate the concepts and structure the message.

Whether they fit a “dominant-mold” or not, communicate your preferences to your submissive. Don’t worry if they don’t seem “dominant enough”. Your expectations will become their definition of submission. Subs make horrible mind-readers – be sure to communicate clearly and take the time to get feedback, so you know your submissive “gets it”.

A key piece of advice: When determining what submission means to you, put aside what your sub prefers. That may sound harsh and one-sided, but this exercise is about determining what submission to you entails. It’s not going to be the end-all of your dynamic, but for you to effectively communicate expectations that will serve you, they need to be about YOUR preferences. There is ample opportunity to give your sub things they enjoy…but when it comes to defining what submission to you is, the message has to be about things that are FOR YOU! For instance: Don’t tell a sub they have to bow when they enter your presence unless having them do so actually serves YOU in some way. Don’t feel

like you have to establish a dress code or an honorific system, unless you feel empowered by it. If pleasing you means that a sub needs to offer themselves as a canvas for your sadistic desires, then state that expectation, but don’t feel you have to be sadistic in order to be a dominant. Don’t think about the imagery of dominance, think about what pleases you. Create your own definition of dominance and communicate that. INSIST on it. Create a set of expectations that serve you, communicate those, then openly EXPECT your sub to fulfill them!

Submissives: The thing that trips up most submissives is the “topping from the bottom” mentality. It’s an overplayed topic and I promise I’m not going to preach its evils here. However, there are two extremely common, very subtle, forms of manipulation that generally are not discussed, but which may well be undermining your efforts to be the best submissive you can be…And you may not even be aware you’re doing them!

The first manipulation to be avoided, is a technique I call, Passive Rewards and Punishment. Yes … submissives rewarding and punishing the dominant! Here’s how it works: When the dominant does something that the submissive enjoys and would like to have in their dynamic, the submissive reacts in an overly positive way: Their energy goes up, they improve the level of their attention and show how excited the activity makes them. Conversely, when the dominant does something that that submissive does not enjoy so much, they become sullen, sluggish, non-enthusiastic, resistant, and sometimes even ornery! The result is an unspoken manipulation, in which the dominant is rewarded for behavior that is in line with the submissive’s desires, and punished for those activities in which the submissive would rather not engage. Rather than focusing on the happiness of the dominant (the commitment the submissive makes when they submit), the submissive passively creates a dynamic in which the dominant is forced to focus on the preferences of the submissive in order to avoid resistance. I’ve seen submissives guilty of this without having the slightest idea that they were doing it…in fact, some of them believed they were HELPING their partner by showing them “how much better life can be” when certain things were in the dynamic. One classic example of this, is when subs insist that they be put in chastity in order to elicit top-level performance – insisting on being forced (what they want) in order to serve well (what the dominant wants).

Of course, consciously or subconsciously, dominants feel this manipulation and react to it. They may lose interest in the dynamic and pull away from it, feeling that the dynamic is no longer serving them. The spiral often continues when the sub senses the dominant’s resentment or lack of interest and then blames them for not being “dominant enough” … which is certainly more punishment and downhill we go…

The second subtle technique of topping from the bottom is “Falling short of expectation to test a dominant’s resolve”. The extreme form of this is “Bratting”, but I’m talking about a much subtler manipulation. I’ve watched as subs “test the waters”: The dominant says they want something, or something done a certain way, and the submissive deliberately falls short of that expectation, to see if the dominant will insist on the quality. They want the dominant to actively correct them; to demonstrate that they are active and involved in the dynamic. They want to test a limit and feel a boundary. Once again, the focus is sub-centric; failing to concentrate on how the behavior effects the dominant…failing to put priority on how well the submission fits the dominant’s expectations.

A word of warning: Subs have had “Topping from the bottom is bad” drilled into their heads in every piece of literature, every blog, etc. While it’s good for a sub to be aware of avoiding such manipulations, there is a risk that the fear of topping from the bottom could cause communication to break down. I’ve had many subs ask how they can request things of their dominant partners, without

topping from the bottom. I always answer, “Talk to them!” Subs are so afraid to manipulate, they lose the ability to communicate. So dominants, be aware that your sub might be holding back valuable feedback and make sure you make it comfortable to share.

That’s a starter for this month! Next month, I’ll share some guidance I gave a sub who was facing exactly that challenge: How to approach his dominant with suggestions of how to serve her better, without topping from the bottom. Until then, focus on communicating and listening – and avoid the subtle manipulations that often plague our dynamics and have some fun!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair-Why I Don’t Punish

February 17, 2019 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

Welcome back to Rika’s Lair – a monthly column discussing a practical, no-nonsense approach to adding D/s dynamics to your relationships! I hope you’ve been enjoying “The Lair” as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. It’s my opportunity to share some thoughts and hopefully stimulate some new ideas! For my first-time readers, I hope you take some time to go back and read my earlier entries, accessible from the links that follow or by clicking on my name in the by-line above.

Just a note, I read, and often respond to, the comments below, so please feel free to ask questions, share your thoughts (even if they’re disagreements), or just say hello!

This month, I was originally going to cover “Being the best submissive you can be”, but over the holidays, I had several conversations regarding the use of punishment in power dynamics and I decided to use this month’s article to share some of those views and get your take on the topic. We’ll come back to being the best submissive you can be in the future, but for now, let’s talk about the use of punishment in D/s dynamics – and in particular, why I choose to avoid it.

I want to start by differentiating Punishment from “Funishment”. Whereas punishment is the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution, rehabilitation, and/or future deterrence for an offense, “Funishment” is a colloquial term describing the act of punishment as a “kinky fun” activity. In funishment, the act of punishment is regarded as a form of play, and even though the punishments can be quite harsh and painful, they are done as part of a power-based scene, and may not be related to an actual “offense”. In fact, often times in funishment dynamics, submissives are expected to act up to be punished, or are put in “no-win” situations, where punishment is an inevitable outcome.

To be clear, this article is about Punishment, NOT Funishment. Specifically, the use of punishment by a dominant as a means to effect change in the sub’s behavior.

For some folks, punishment is a mandatory aspect of power dynamics. For others, it’s a necessary evil. For others still, it’s not a requirement at all. I fall in the last camp: I do not believe that punishment (or rewards, for that matter) are necessary to maintain healthy, vibrant D/s dynamics. I have found other ways to effect change and to assure that my dynamics align with my preferences as a dominant. I’m not passing judgement on those that choose to punish. I personally don’t punish because I don’t like to, and would rather not, do so. I’m not implying that punishment is wrong or a less-developed form of adjustment, I’m stating that it is not my preference, and therefore, since I’m the dominant, cannot be part of my power dynamics.

There is no question that punishment is an effective, quick, method of motivating behavior change. Link a non-desirable consequence to the offense and the subject will avoid recurrence out of fear of the consequence. It works. It works on all forms of life. We train animals using it. We train our children using it as well.

I see a couple of problems with punishment in a D/s context, however. Most obviously, if the dominant doesn’t enjoy punishing their sub, then having to do so forces them into actions that they don’t feel serve them. It obligates them, which, as we discussed last month, undermines the dominant’s authority. Secondly, it makes the dominant’s life more complicated by having to choose a punishment that fits the crime, will be understood to correct the behavior, is enacted in a timely manner, and will be undesirable enough that the submissive won’t actually WANT the punishment as a means to bolster their feeling of submission.

This last point is far more complicated than you may think. There are people who say that you need to pick a punishment that the sub hates, so that they are not tempted to misbehave in order to get it. This is true in most normal situations; however, it’s very different in consensual power dynamics. I have found that anything that the sub accepts – that in normal life they would not accept – because they are the submissive in a dynamic, is going to appeal to the submissive and fortify the fantasy. It’s going to make the dominant appear more powerful in the sub’s eyes and play to the “do me when I’m helpless” mindset. Even if the sub hates the activity of the punishment, they will love the fact that they are obligated by the power dynamic to accept it. Remember, these are consensual roles; subs have free will to leave the dynamic at any time. By choosing to stay in it, even while being punished in a way they hate, they are acknowledging and reinforcing their lack of power and position. Consequently, the more difficult the punishment they are “forced” to endure and the less they enjoy the punishment, the more realistic the power feels and the more submissive the sub feels. The result is, punishment, in D/s dynamics, rewards disobedience! This is why “Funishment” is enjoyable: It builds the feeling of submission and dominance by re-affirming consensual submission. As a means of effecting actual behavioral change, however, rewarding disobedience is a risky approach.

It’s interesting to note why punishment (and reward) does work for animals and children. Animals innately learn from experience. They understand “cause and effect”, but are incapable of understanding the nuances of commitment, integrity, dedication, and submission. Children have not yet developed the maturity to handle these cerebral concepts and therefore, cannot be reasoned with in this way. For animals and children, you have little alternative to cause and effect when encouraging behavioral adjustments. With adult submissives, however, you do have alternatives. Adult submissives can provide SELF discipline and introspection. They can reason and adjust without the “game” of cause and effect.

Submissives aren’t perfect. They make mistakes, they get things wrong. They need adjustment. In my previous article, we talked about CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback). Those last two steps (Assessment and Feedback) are all about giving the submissive enough information to enable them to make the adjustments necessary to up their game and deliver better service.

Punishment can enable adjustment quickly, but I find it not to be as effective as assessment and feedback in the long run. For long-termed dynamics, I find punishment inefficient and sub-optimal.

Here’s what I do instead: When one of my subs does something that isn’t serving me to my liking, I set out to determine his intent. If his intent was to disobey my directives and ignore my authority, then we have to talk – and talk fast. I’m going to spend the time to dive in. I want to understand the reason for him failing to live up to his commitment. I won’t allow him to continue to submit to me if he’s going to act this way – so for both of our sake, I want to understand the root cause and squash it before it gets to the level where I have to take action. Punishment might work, but addressing the root cause is more permanent, less “artificial”, and broader in scope than the one particular infraction. Addressing the root cause not only corrects the infraction, but it will correct any future infractions that are related.

If the root cause is that he just wants punishment, wants to control the dynamic, or wants a sub- centered focus, we have to consider whether we want the dynamic to continue or not. I won’t waste my time with a sub who won’t submit. However, it’s also possible that he might be feeling neglected, or not be getting feedback that I’m involved and active in our dynamic. He might be acting up unintentionally, because he’s feeling alone. If I know what he’s feeling I may be able to adjust my

communications to assure him that I am involved and active – and that he’s not alone in his head with the D/s dynamic.

I also consider that, if his intent was to serve, but he just failed to deliver (forgot, got sloppy, was human OMG), then what good is punishment, anyway? It will only stress him to have to worry that if he is human again, he’s going to punished. I would rather try to help him avoid the problem in the future. If he’s forgetful, I will help him to work on ways to improve his memory – mnemonics, routines, practice. If he’s failing at something that requires skills he doesn’t possess, then I’ll help him get training, make room for practice time, and provide opportunities for repetition. I prefer a positive approach aimed at helping him to help himself deliver the best level of service of which he is capable – by improving his ability to deliver, rather than playing on his fears and avoidance of punishment.

Lastly, I’ve found that people tend to do the minimum required to avoid punishment. Avoiding punishment becomes the measure of “good enough” – Good enough is not what I’m looking for from my submissives. Contrast this with pride in good service, which tends to make people go beyond ‘good enough’ and impact far more than is being asked. Personally, I want to actively help my sub to take pride in his abilities as a submissive. I want submission to be an enjoyable activity that he strives to be great at – rather than something he stresses over because he fears the consequences of not performing adequately.

THEN I can beat his ass…just for fun 😊

Would love to hear your opinion!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Fulfilling the Needs of the Submissive: Without Obligating the Dominant

January 20, 2019 By Ms. Rika 9 Comments

Since it’s the first I’m writing to you this year, Happy New Year! I hope you had a festive turn of the year. Here’s to a happy, healthy and prosperous 2019!

I hope you’ve had the opportunity to read my previous three installments in Kink Weekly and are anxious to move forward with your journey into dominant-centered, service-oriented power dynamics! If you haven’t read them yet, you can click on my name in the by-line above to get links to all of the articles. Read from the beginning!

In November, we saw how each relationship carries attributes that are shared between the partners and that continue within a relationship, regardless of the existence of a power dynamic, or not. In December (in two parts), we discussed how the dominant is given a new right, by virtue of the power transfer; the “Right of Expectation”. We then talked about obligations of both the submissive and dominant, and how different they are. Lastly, we discussed CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback); a simple series of steps dominants can use to remain an active and involved participant in the dynamic.We also addressed that, while relationships are two-way streets, submission is a one-way transfer of power. We acknowledge that his makes some worry that the sub’s desires will not be fulfilled and the power dynamic will not be healthy.

So, this month, we take the next step, discussing ways by which dominants can consider the needs of their submissives, while remaining the center of their submission. We will avoid obligating the dominant with anything more than was discussed in the previous articles, while making sure both partner’s needs are being fulfilled.

Before tackling this challenge, we need to take a hard look at the difference between “Needs” and “Wants”. Let’s face it, there are things we want and then there are things we need. We’re humans, and like to be pleased, so often, we call things that we “want a lot”, needs…but they’re not really needs…they’re just things we like a lot, want a lot, and desire a lot. A need is something you really can’t continue (whatever it is), without.

We know we can’t live without food, water, and shelter. While there are many more things we want to live, and there are philosophies built around a hierarchy of human desire, these three are simplistically accepted to be the mandatory needs to live. Relationship needs are a bit more complicated and personal. My friend Jen extended it best, “Needs in relationships are things the relationship cannot survive without. Wants are things that make the relationship more enjoyable.” I find this definition to be perfect for this discussion.

In November’s discussion, we discussed the notion of “Mutual Fulfillment of Needs” as being a fundamental requirement of the underlying relationship layer. If you’re going to have longevity in a relationship, any type of relationship, you’ll likely require that your needs are being met by it. If not, you’ll likely stray from the relationship, or end it altogether. Lack of companionship, lack of caring, lack of love…all may be failures in need that lead to the dilution of relationships.

As I mentioned last month, in a non-power relationship, our “wants” are filled when we communicate them and hope that our partner chooses to fulfill them. We then talked about the imbalance of equity and obligation within a power dynamic, where the Right of Expectation, created by the power transfer,

provides “want-fulfillment” for the dominant. The dominant is given the right to expect and even demand to have their wants fulfilled. The submissive isn’t given the same right. While they don’t lose their right – as a partner in a relationship – to ask for their wants fulfilled – and to seek compromise (just like those without a power dynamic), the power dynamic itself does not provide expectation of “want- fulfillment” for the submissive, as it does for the dominant.

So, what does a sub really “need”? It’s an individual thing, of course, but most subs I’ve met feel a real need to dedicate themselves in service, and / or to yield authority, to their dominant partner. This is usually the core need of what they say they want, although the descriptions of their desires are usually crowded with very specific activities – things they like and want. As dominants, we want to address our partner’s needs, but not feel obligated to do so exactly as specified by the submissive, particularly if were not comfortable with the activities requested. Too often, submissives will lobby to get their descriptive wants in the name of “Mutual Fulfillment”. This often materializes as pressure from the sub against the dominant in the form of a demand or ransom (“I will not serve properly unless I get my wants fulfilled too”), or as a complaint (“You’re not dominating me the ‘right’ way”). This is manipulation based on a false premise. Mutual fulfillment is a requirement of relationships, true…but it’s mutual fulfillment of NEED not WANT!

This is not to say that a submissive has to resign themselves to go without what they want. I’d go so far as to say that subs need to know their dominant partner cares enough about them to consider their wants. If we don’t consider a sub’s wants, it can be interpreted as a lack of caring or a lack of interest; both of which can violate their basic needs and threaten the relationship. As dominants, although our wants become our expectations for our subs, their wants are ours to take under advisement. We must avoid being obligated, as a condition of their submission, to fulfilling their wants, but we need to make sure their needs are addressed through honest and open consideration of them.

OK, so how do we demonstrate consideration for a sub’s wants while retaining the purity and “one- directional” nature of their submission? In my first book, “Uniquely Rika”, I introduced the use of “Treats / Gifts” to address this need, and I’ve seen it connect with hundreds of couples since.

A treat / gift is something given randomly; for no particular reason. It is usually unexpected and never demanded. They are given out of the goodness of the dominant’s heart. There are no quid-pro-quos (a ‘this for that’) with a gift. Gifts / treats are not earned as rewards would be. They’re not due the submissive, there are no obligations to give it. There are no promises, no commitments on the dominant’s part. There is no implied contract. They are given, “just because” – and they send VERY clear messages:

I’m going to give you something I know you like, but are not demanding or expecting
This is not owed to you. Your actions cannot obtain a gift, it’s given to you because I just feel like giving it to you. I’m never obligated to do so
I’m in total control and can give, or take away things you enjoy
Even though I’m giving this to you, I’m still thinking about our roles and I’m still within the power transfer we have established By using treats / gifts, dominants can freely give their subs what the sub likes and wants. They can fulfill a sub’s wants without worrying about compromising their position of authority, nor of being obligated to serve the sub. As we discussed above, by considering and fulfilling the sub’s wants, the dominant demonstrates that they care about the sub’s happiness – which fulfills a core need. By avoiding obligation (gifts/treats are NEVER owed, promised, earned, or exchanged) the dominant remains in control of the dynamic and eliminates any possible misinterpretation as to who has the right of expectation.

Consider the submissive’s position: When you receive a gift, you feel genuine gratitude. This is how we want the submissive to feel. They didn’t earn it, they didn’t control it, yet they received it. They’re thankful to the only person in control of giving it to them.

It’s worth restating: A critical success factor is that gifts / treats must never become the motivation for submission. If you believe that your sub feels that submission is a means to getting a gift, remove the gift! They must understand that the quality of their submission is always expected to be at the top of their ability, whether they receive gifts or not. The gifts / treats are not compensation, achievements, or rewards. We want our submissives to be motivated by our happiness with their efforts; the dominant- centric focus. If they are motivated by “what’s in it for them”, their submission will never reach a truly useful level.

Wrapping up this month: We’ve identified the dominant’s preferences as the source of the definition of submission to them and discussed the underlying relationship, contrasting it with the additional attributes associated the power dynamic’s layer. We’ve established the roles, responsibilities and obligations of the submissive and how they differ from those of the dominant. We’ve acknowledged that the obligations and responsibilities of all relationships continue, even after the formation of a power dynamic. Additionally, we introduced the sequence of CERAF, and how it demonstrates our active involvement in developing the quality of the submissive’s submission. Lastly, we’ve demonstrated the difference between needs and wants, and discussed how gifts / treats can be used to provide for a sub’s wants without sacrificing the purity and direction of the of the power transfer upon which our dynamic is built. Whew! That’s a lot!

In February’s column, we’ll start to put it all together with a discussion on becoming a better submissive: Something for submissives to strive for and dominants to insist upon. I think you’ll find plenty of New Year’s resolutions to apply!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Expectations, Rights, and Obligations – Part 2

December 23, 2018 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

For Part 1 Click Here

As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. Many of us will be considering our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to continue the discussion we started in the December 17th edition of “Kink Weekly”. If you haven’t read that article, I would recommend going back to the archive and reviewing it!

On the 17th, we discussed how each “relationship” we enter carries attributes that are mutual in nature: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes continue within a relationship, regardless of the existence of a power dynamic, or not. As partners in relationships, we are given certain rights of expectation – the right to expect to have each of these mutual attributes from our partner (in varying degrees, depending on the type of relationship). We also discussed how a power dynamic – created by the commitment of one partner to serve the preferences of the other as their submissive – creates a power imbalance that, in turn, provides the dominant a new “right of expectation”; a right that the submissive is not given. We then started to talk about how our roles obligate us to each other. We talked a little bit about the submissive’s obligations and that they are different to those of the dominant. I mentioned that D/s is imbalanced, but not one- sided. Now, let’s get into the dominant’s obligation a bit.

The Dominant’s Obligation

The dominant does take on new responsibilities, however. In exchange for the sub’s submission, the dominant promises to receive submission as an active and involved participant in the dynamic. In my first book, “Uniquely Rika”, I called this involvement, “Receiving submission from a position of dominance”. I further qualified it when I wrote my second book, “Uniquely Us”, introducing the concept of CERAF, using examples of couples with whom I had worked in a variety of relationship contexts.

CERAF is a mnemonic that stand for: “Communication“, “Expectation“, “Recognition“, “Assessment“, and, “Feedback“. It’s a sequence that demonstrates to a submissive that we, as dominants, are actively involved in the dynamic, require that the sub’s efforts are targeted towards us, notice and appreciate their efforts, and consider the sub’s submission to be important to us. If you want more information on CERAF, or to see examples of it in action, I recommend you read “Uniquely Us”.

The following is an excerpt from my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant: Being the Dominant in a D/s Relationship”, in which I covered the basics of CERAF:

Communication of the dominant’s preferences starts off the process. As dominants, we need to be clear in communicating our expectations to our submissives. We need to give them every opportunity to succeed in serving us the way we want to be served. They are not mind readers (and are often awful mind readers when they try!), so it is our responsibility to make clear what we expect them to do for us. There are thousands of ways to communicate our preferences. The use of the Routine Task List Exercise that I covered in “Uniquely Rika” is one very effective way. Just make sure your communication is clear and understood.

Expectation that they will try to fulfill those preferences is the next step. Once you’ve communicated what you expect, expect that the sub will try, to the best of their ability, to fulfill your wishes. Make that expectation clear and concise (write it down!).

It’s surprising how often dominants fail to actually expect that their partners will meet the communicated requirements. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted with reasons (reasonable or otherwise) why a sub might not fulfill them. Avoid gender biases (e.g., “men can’t control their urges“, “women will react emotionally“, etc.) and maintain a strong demand for fulfillment. All of your expectations will not be met 100% of the time – that would be an unreasonable expectation – but, you can expect a submissive to strive for perfection every time.

Recognition of the sub’s attempts to fulfill your expectations is next. It seems that this one might be simple, but it’s actually the thing that trips most dominants up. The biggest fear most submissives have communicated to me throughout the years, is that they may one day find themselves alone in their dynamic; that their partner won’t (or already doesn’t) recognize the intent with which they go about their actions, and that the dynamic exists only in the submissive’s head. That’s a very lonely place. In “Uniquely Us“, I showed a number of examples of how this “simple” responsibility is often missed – and the trouble it causes. Recognition doesn’t require a lot of boisterous feedback, it just requires that you demonstrate that you understand your sub’s intent.

There are very simple ways to demonstrate recognition – from a knowing look to a blatant phrase. One of the easiest ways is use of the final two phases of CERAF: Assessment and Feedback!

Assessment. You’ve communicated your expectations, expected them, and you’ve recognized that your sub is striving to fulfill those expectations. Now it’s time to determine how good a job your sub did at meeting those expectations. Assessment is the phase where you take a little time to introspect and understand the impact your sub’s effort has had on you. Are you happy with the result? Are you happy with their effort? Did you get what you expected? If not, why not? – did you communicate your preference accurately? Did the sub understand what you asked for? Was the sub able to achieve or did circumstances get in the way? Were the circumstances avoidable? What could have been done better? Etc.

It is our responsibility as dominants to determine the quality of the submission as it relates to our preferences. Our dominant-centric subs are measuring their ability to submit based on this assessment. The only way they can improve and become better submissives for us, is for us to assess their efforts and provide that information to them. Hence the last step of CERAF…

Feedback your assessment to your sub. The only way a good sub can improve to be an even better sub is if they understand how their actions were received and understand if there are things they could have done better. The focus of this feedback is improvement, so think of this as constructive adjustment aimed at improving the long-termed dynamic.

How you go about executing that adjustment will depend on your style of dominance and your preferences. This might manifest itself in punishment – if that’s what you do. I prefer to simply discuss my assessment, in depth, with my submissive, with the expectation that we have the mutual goal of improving their service.

The combination of Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment and Feedback provides a framework that allows a sub to know what to do, how they did, and what to do better in the future. When the dominant takes the time to go through these steps, there can be no doubt they are active and involved in the dynamic. CERAF clearly sends the message that the sub’s submission is important to the dominant; important enough to spend time and effort to

improve it. It emphasizes that both dominant and submissive share the common goal of making the submissive’s submission the best it can possibly be. Further, it sends the message that only the dominant can assess the quality of a sub’s effort and results. This shares the responsibility of defining improvement, while keeping the onus of execution of that improvement on the submissive and the right of assessment to the dominant. It assures that the submissive will never feel alone in their dynamic (where both belong). The dominant will feel they are the focus of submission and that their assessment of the quality of that submission matters.

One last thing to point out: Nothing about CERAF discusses the content of submission. Whether submission is foot worship, house cleaning, receiving whippings, or just being a doting partner, CERAF is designed to communicate the dominant’s definition of what serves them and to provide a framework for improving the quality of submission; whatever that entails for the unique dominant, over time.

Using CERAF, a dominant fulfills their obligation to a submissive. It’s a much different type of commitment than obligates the submissive.

If this all seem one-sided, to an extent, it is. However, dominants are still partners in their relationships. They are still obligated by the rights of every partner in every relationship: to care for their partner and to work for mutual fulfillment. This doesn’t mean they are obligated to give their sub what the sub wants, when the sub wants it – that right of expectation belongs solely to the dominant. It means they are obligated to consider the needs of their partners and to assure their partner remains fulfilled within the relationship.

In the January installment of “Rika’s Lair”, we’ll talk about ways dominants can fulfill the needs of the submissive, without being obligated to serve them. We’ll introduce some concepts you can put into use in the coming year!

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season and a Happy New Year!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Expectations, Rights, and Obligations – Part 1

December 16, 2018 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. It’s the perfect time to consider our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to consider what this D/s dynamic really means to us.

Last month, we started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. We noted how dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the reason behind the things that you do. We viewed submission as an action, not a reaction. We further defined submission as actions intended to serve the dominant’s preferences. Lastly, we briefly touched on communication as enabler for dominant-centric submission. If you missed last month’s article, you can check the November 19th archive!

This month, I’d like to spend a little time discussing the roles involved in a D/s dynamic and, in particular, the rights, responsibilities, expectations, and obligations that those roles entail. We’re going to shake a few trees with this discussion and we’re going to cover a concept that I introduced in my second book that sits at the cornerstone of my methodology for adding D/s dynamics to your relationships.

We’re going to cover this topic over two weeks. This week, we’ll establish the basis for the discussion: The layers within our D/s relationship and the rights of expectation involved in a power transfer. Then, in the December 24th edition, we’ll get into a deeper discussion of obligations. Let’s get started!

The Underlying Relationship A power dynamic is built upon a relationship of one type or another. There are many forms of relationships, ranging from casual acquaintances to life partners and spouses. Some are contractually binding (think marriage contract), others are based in quid-pro-quo (think client/professional – pay for play), and others are purely emotional (think friends and partners). They can exist anywhere in the emotional spectrum between professional, nearly clinical relationships to deeply committed ones. Regardless of the type of relationship, any can support a power dynamic.

It’s interesting to note that the type of power dynamic is independent from the type of relationship upon which it lies. You can have intense, deeply committed power dynamics riding on a base of friendship (friends with kinky benefits) as easily as you can have casual scene-based, bedroom-only dynamics in a marriage…and vice versa.

There are a few attributes that are common across relationships, and while the intensity and criticality of these vary based on the type of relationship, they exist in some form or another in each of them. Among these you will find things like: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes occur in some form or another in all relationships, with and without power dynamics, and are not functions of a power dynamic, but of the relationship itself.

The power dynamic is going to contribute other attributes to the relationship, such as: The intent of service, commitment to roles, pleasure, catharsis, and a voluntary imbalance of power that results in new rights of expectation.

The Right of Expectation

When you think about the characteristics of the underlying relationship, you see they are balanced and mutual. They give both partners equal rights to expect certain behavior of each other: The expectation to be treated with care and concern for one’s health, to be treated with respect, communicated with, to be spoken to honestly and openly, etc. In all relationships, both partners are granted these rights. Again, the degree to which these apply depend on the relationship type, but regardless, these rights are equal and mutual. Since the underlying relationship, along with all of its characteristics, continue even after a power dynamic is added to the mix, the mutual rights and expectations of both partners continue throughout. This is important to recognize: The attributes and responsibilities of the underlying relationship remain in play, even after a power dynamic is added.

The moment submissives commit themselves in service to a dominant – with the intent to serve as the dominant’s submissive – and a D/s dynamic is created, the dominant is given a new, additional, right. The submissive has promised to strive to fulfill the preferences of the dominant. This means that the dominant is given the right to expect and even demand that the submissive live up to that commitment. Suddenly, anything the dominant wants, needs, or desires becomes something that the submissive has committed to deliver. I call this new privilege the “Right of Expectation”.

The dominant is not committing the same thing; the submissive is not granted the same new privilege. The submissive retains the same rights they had before the power transfer, because the underlying relationship continues to be in force, but they do not gain any new rights because of it. Only the dominant gets the new rights. This creates an imbalance of power that sways heavily to the dominant. It goes above and beyond the natural mutual expectations of being in a relationship and gives the dominant additional privileges.

Most submissives recognize the imbalance, the “unfairness” of the dynamic, which is exactly what gives them that feeling of submission; of being out of control. Without that imbalance, the dynamic reportedly lacks a realness.

As a dominant, I recognize that my sub has a choice, each and every moment he is my sub; he chooses to remain my sub. He chooses to focus on fulfilling my expectations – expectations he gave me the right to have when he committed to becoming my submissive. It is that commitment that shifts the power to me…not because I’m “all-powerful”, but because he is focused and dedicated to doing whatever I prefer for him to do. As a consequence, my preferences are prioritized above his. He chooses his actions and attitudes based on his understanding of my preferences, priorities, and needs. He “obeys” me, not because he “has to obey”, but because he knows that if he does not obey me, goes against my desires, then that would not further his objective to please me. It would violate his commitment to my preferences. My “Power” comes from our mutual understanding of his commitment, not out of physical strength and control. It’s a very real power – a power he chooses to continue to give me every day. A power that stems directly from my right of expectation.

Obligations The obligations of a submissive are pretty clear: Dedicate themselves 100% to fulfilling the communicated expectations of their dominant. They commit themselves to that promise when they offer their submission. This is what provides the right of expectation. There is little argument when it comes to the obligations of the submissive.

The discussion is not so clear, however, when it comes to the obligations of the dominant. Because we’re in a relationship, there is still obligation and responsibility as a partner. However, it is a very different type of obligation and isn’t anywhere nearly as taxing on the dominant as it is on the

submissive.

Over the years, I’ve heard some very strong opinions on how “new-found power” obligates dominants. These statements came mostly from submissives, however, there are also quite a few dominants who readily volunteer to be strongly obligated by the fact that they have accepted a submissive’s commitment to serve. They quote Voltaire in the line made more recently famous by “Spiderman”, “With great power comes great responsibility”.

The main factor supporting these opinions is the viewpoint that the power transfer has somehow rendered the submissive helpless to take care of themselves, or to think on their own, and it therefore becomes the obligation of dominant to care for, protect, and take accountability for, the submissive. However, not all power transfers result in a helpless submissive and I strongly advise against allowing that notion to take hold your dynamics, unless it applies.

I see validity in this notion of additional responsibility if you’re engaging in BDSM-like activities (as many readers of “Kink Weekly” do!), but not because of the power dynamic itself. Rather, because BDSM is a practice in which the submissive is often rendered incapable of stopping themselves from being put in harm’s way, or from engaging in potentially dangerous activities. The Top is obligated, because protecting someone who is dependent on you is a natural extension of the underlying relationship attributes. As a general rule of society, even without power dynamics, if you engage in activities in which you are potentially endangering another individual’s wellbeing, or are in a position to harm them physically or emotionally, you are obliged to act with care and concern. If you shoot weapons, practice martial arts, race motorcycles, perform surgery, look after children, provide psychiatric advice, etc., you have an obligation to look after your fellow man. That’s a relationship requirement. In BDSM-scene dynamics, if you’re going to render your partner helpless, flog them, hurt them, attack their psyches, or otherwise play in the realm of BDSM, you are obligated to do so with care and concern. Not because it’s a power dynamic, but because of the nature of the specific activities in which you are engaging.

There is also the notion that submission is regression: That by submitting to a dominant, the submissive releases themselves from all responsibility and control, and can therefore regress into a state of absolution; a return to childhood, where accountability and responsibility all laid in the hands of the parent – now dominant.

These notions do not always hold true. Submission and the power transfer are the result of a very unique and personal commitment. They do not always result in BDSM play or Regression. Whether submission will result in these types of dynamics depends on the definition of submission; which is determined by the preferences of the dominant. Therefore, it’s not the act of submission that creates these additional responsibilities for the dominant, it’s the dominant’s choice of the individual activities. For example, my dynamics with my submissives are not based in BDSM or regression. I personally will not agree to take on those types of obligations. My subs remain responsible and accountable for their submission and for their actions within that submission.

Furthermore, adults who make commitments are responsible for keeping them. I’ve been shocked to hear submissives say, “since they are giving themselves to a dominant, the dominant becomes responsible for driving them, keeping them honest, assuring that they carry out their tasks, punishing them when they misbehave, controlling their orgasms, rewarding them, protecting them, and taking ultimate accountability for their actions”. Wow! The way they transfer the responsibility of living up to their commitment onto the dominant, you’d think you were listening to a child make promises to take

care of the dog they want their parents to buy. No thank you! I expect my submissives to take the responsibility to own and be accountable for their commitments.

You do take on more responsibility should you choose to engage in potentially dangerous activities. But you do not take on these additional obligations because you’re the dominant, only because you’re in control of a situation that is potentially harmful to your partner.

The dominant does, however, take on new responsibilities. The dynamic is not one-sided. However, the dominant’s obligations are very different from those of the submissive. The dominant is not promising to serve, even if some of the things that they do provide a service to the submissive. As dominants, our INTENT is to be served in the best possible way – and therefore our obligations center more around helping our submissives to understand what they are expected to do, and to know how they’re doing against those expectations, and what they can do to improve.

Hopefully, this week’s entry gives you some food for thought. In the December 24th edition of “Kink Weekly”, Part 2 of this article will dive into the obligations of the dominant in quite some depth.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair-Intent

November 18, 2018 By Ms. Rika 6 Comments

Welcome to the Lair! I’m very excited to contribute a monthly column for Kink Weekly! I’ve written a lot on the subject of Dominance and Submission through the years, so there’s a good chance you’ve read my writing before. I welcome back my loyal readers and also embrace this opportunity to reach out to new minds, introducing them to viewpoints that hopefully will both resonate with, and challenge their perceptions on power dynamics. Through the years, “Rika’s Lair” has taken on several forms: First on CompuServe Channel 12, then in an IRC group, a Google Group, a FetLife group, or now this column. The mission of my writing has always been to challenge perceptions, create awareness, and provide insight and guidance for people developing, exploring and refining power-based Relationships. I hope this column adds a unique perspective for you in your relationships.

In the coming months we’ll cover many topics: Some will be familiar, others familiar to those who have read my books, and many that will be completely new. There will times when you will nod your head in complete agreement and others when you find yourself desperate to challenge my views. That’s OK! My objective is to share a perspective which may not be apparent at first, but which will cause you to stop and think – and maybe to incorporate those ideas into your lifestyle.

I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to work with over a hundred couples who had added, or were adding, power dynamics to their relationships. I’ve been able to help many (most!) of them overcome challenges and find greater fulfillment. This work has given me a unique perspective from which I’ve been able to identify commonalities, trends, and patterns – common stumbling blocks, and popular misconceptions. What’s most interesting, the majority of the “obstacles” we all face, can be eliminated simply with common sense, logic, and a whole lot of communication!

There is nothing more fulfilling for me than watching the smile come across dominants faces as they become comfortable with the personal entitlement dominance brings, or the happiness that submissives exude when they begin to submit in a way that finally serves their partner’s needs.

So, let’s get started!

It Starts With Intent After a great deal of consideration, I arrived at a discussion of “Intent” as being the first subject for this inaugural article. It’s not so much intent itself, but developing the ability to step back and identify our root intent, as well as the source of that intent. A critical tenet of my approach to submission is that: Dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the REASON BEHIND the things that you do. It’s never the action you take, it’s the INTENT behind that action that makes it “Submission” or “Dominance”. Dominance and Submission are states of mind not activities or practices. Focusing on intent as a critical aspect of D/s clears away many of the seemingly paradoxical situations surrounding power dynamics and frees us (as dominants) to move our dynamics to where we want them, without having to consider how “domly” we’re being.

Let’s use a very common “act of submission” as a demonstration of the complexity of all of this – Foot Worship:

A woman orders a man to his knees and demands that he kiss her feet. She watches him

intently, making sure that he does exactly what he’s told to do. She instructs him to lick between her toes and to suck on her big toe “like it’s a penis”.

Is it Dominance?

Some would say, “Of course it’s dominance, he is debasing himself and demonstrating that she is a superior”. But I say, it depends on INTENT. Why is he worshiping her feet? Why is she having her feet worshiped?

Maybe she loves the visual of having him beneath her, lowering himself, and debasing himself. Maybe she gets a thrill from the feeling of it. Maybe it turns her on and drugs her with power. That would certainly support the idea that this is an act of dominance.

Now consider this possibility: Suppose she gets absolutely no satisfaction from having her feet worshiped? Suppose, to her, there is nothing symbolic or “submissive” about kissing and licking feet. Some people feel that way (I’m one of them). It does nothing for her, and in fact, might even be a little repulsive. Yet, she’s doing it because he’s confessed a deep desire to worship her feet. She knows it turns him on to do so. She knows that by “demanding” that he does this, it triggers emotions in him that she knows he really enjoys. She enjoys his reaction – she likes to see him happy. It’s her intent to turn him on.

Is it still Dominance? Guess what…it depends on intent again!

You might not think this is dominance, you might think that it’s just kinky fun and she is just making him happy. In fact, let me take that idea to the extreme: Suppose I told you that HE was the dominant, but he loved feet – maybe its even a clinical fetish for him … and she was having him worship her feet as service to him! Perhaps he, as her dominant, told her that he wanted her to have him suck her toes! Doing so wouldn’t change her position as submissive – because, regardless of how “dominant” her actions were, her INTENT was to serve him.

Or…let me introduce the possibility that she’s eliciting that reaction from him because she is also restricting his orgasms and hasn’t allowed him release for the past 3 weeks – and by stimulating him without release, her intent is to multiply the impact of his denial. Suppose she’s leveraging the fact that, by having him do things that turn him on, the chemistry in his body is going to deepen the impact of her tease and drive him even more insane with desire? So, she is having him worship her feet, even though she doesn’t really care about that, with the INTENT of stimulating him at a time when he has no means of releasing that tension! Now she sounds like the dominant again.

To the outside observer, this man – lapping the bottoms of her soles like a lost puppy – appears to be the submissive, but the reality of the situation lies between the ears of both of them – the only place where it really counts. The interpretation of the dominance or submissiveness of their activities is driven by their mutual understanding of each other’s intent.

So, I claim that there is no such thing as a dominant or submissive act. There is only dominant and submissive intent. With that understanding, consider these commonly seen “paradoxes” (and see if you agree that they’re not paradoxes at all, when you consider intent):

A man lays back on the bed as his wife goes down on him. She takes him lovingly in her mouth, cradling his balls in her hand and brings him to orgasm.

A woman lies back and allows a man to aggressively penetrate her and passionately “take her”

Submissive acts? Could they be dominant acts? At this point, we all should agree, it depends on…INTENT.

The stereotypical dominant/submissive image of a whip-wielding, leather-clad, manipulatrix, humiliatrix, dominatrix trussing up a man like a turkey and forcing him to endure all sorts of inhumanities, or the image of the leather vested, jack-booted “daddy” with his “little girl” sitting by his feet, represents D/s dynamics to many people.

It doesn’t to me. Not automatically.

However, a man who agrees to allow himself to be trussed and forced, etc. because he knows that the dominant likes him to be that way and does it FOR their dominant (whether he enjoys it or not) is very much my image of D/s. Submissives who voluntarily get up every morning an hour earlier than they have to, so that they can prepare for the day and complete some of the tasks that need to be done – so that when their dominant partner gets up, life is easier and obstacle free for them – and does so because this is what the dominant wants, is every bit as much of a submissive – maybe more so – as the guy who is groveling at a woman’s feet. And so is the submissive who does nothing more than follow the lead of his partner…yielding to them as the decision maker for the household…because that’s what the dominant partner wants.

Submission is Intent to Serve the Dominant’s Preferences You’ll notice that in all of these examples, the definition of submission is intent to serve the preferences of the dominant. You’ll notice that, in defining submission, I’m not considering the preferences of the submissive. If intent defines submission, self-serving intent cannot be considered part of that submission – unless it first serves the dominant the way the dominant prefers.

Certainly, doing something that a dominant does not prefer and insisting that it’s somehow submission is folly. Subs who think that, because the activity is considered submissive (eg., foot worship), they’re being submissive by doing it, are fooling themselves. Unless doing so fulfills the preferences or desires of their unique dominant, the activity is worthless as part of their submission.

Equally misinformed is the submissive who insists that the only way their partner can be dominant is if they demand “dominant activities”. Or who insist that a dominant must “control” or “force” a submissive to be submissive, when their partner does not prefer to do so.

Now let’s be careful here. I’m NOT suggesting that the submissive partner never gets what they want – or that a submissive’s desires are not important. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that SUBMISSION cannot be defined by actions and attitudes that don’t fill the dominant’s preferences – because that’s the basis of submissive intent. There are plenty of other opportunities for dominants to give their partners things that they like – without it being part of their definition of submission. I will talk more about “Treats” and “Gifts” in a future article.

Dominants: Communication Enables Submissive Intent We’re going to discuss the roles and responsibilities of both the dominant and the submissive in depth in future months, but here is a bit of advice to dominants regarding intent:

To enable your partner to define their submission with submissive intent, communicate (and insist on) YOUR preferences. They can’t read your mind and their minds are likely filled with porn-laden stereotypical imagery, which may not match your preferences. Tell them what you prefer to give them a target to strive to fulfill. Help them to achieve it by clearly defining what YOU consider to be submission TO YOU – your unique preferences.

If you want to give them things that make them happy too, do it! You’re in a relationship – you can feel free to do things that make them happy too! Just make sure they understand YOUR intent in giving them those things. So, if you (like me) have a foot fetishist as a submissive, but foot worship simply isn’t your thing – feel free to have him worship your feet – just don’t let him confuse your consideration for his needs as his submission to you.

Wrapping Up for This Month We started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. Even if you don’t agree with everything here, I hope you found it interesting and perhaps a little thought provoking. As we continue our explorations here in Rika’s Lair, we will be discussing the notion that everything that’s done for a dominant with submissive intent and received as submission, is service. We will also cover how submission that’s focused on the needs, wants, and desires of the dominant (what I call dominant- centric submission) creates a more natural, and therefore, more resilient, dynamic, than submission that’s defined by how it impacts the submissive. We’re going to cover the roles of dominant and the submissive and cover their responsibilities and obligations. I’m going to lead you through a logical methodology that you can use with your partner to help establish meaningful, workable power dynamics within your relationships. We’ll debunk a lot of myths and express a lot of opinions. We’ll tackle some tough questions and hopefully look at answers a whole new way!

Welcome to the Lair! – Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Ms. Rika

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